We Welcome Our Summer Interns – and Guest Bloggers!

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This summer, the Legacy Project has been thrilled to partner with the Division of Geriatrics and Gerontology at Weill Cornell Medical College in New York City on a college internship project.

Jackie Santo is majoring in Marketing at Tulane University, Class of 2015. Ariana Wolk is currently planning to major in Communication at Cornell University, Class of 2015. This well-qualified pair of young people were the first participants in The Risk and Resiliency Project. 

This fascinating new internship program focuses both on the problems and the positive side of aging. The interns looked at the issue of  elder abuse and neglect, but balanced this topic with a focus on the strengths of elder adults. The program is directed by Risa Breckman, who also directs the NYC Elder Abuse Center.

Ariana and Jackie contributed to The Legacy Project by interviewing older adults (using The Legacy Project’s interview protocol) about the lessons they want to pass on to younger generations. The internship also provides them each with a small grant to bring some aspect of what they have learned this summer about both elder wisdom and elder abuse to their college communities. 

Our next two posts will come from Ariana and Jackie, based on their interviews with wise elders. Stay tuned!

Some Wise Advice – From Some Wise Elders!

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At the Legacy Project, we always welcome you to share your lessons for living (or lessons learned from an elder) on our “Share Your Lessons” page. You can also find lots more practical advice from America’s elders in our book 30 Lessons for Living: Tried and True Advice from the Wisest Americans.

Some wonderful elders from the Watermark Retirement Communities took us up on our offer, and provided some terrific lessons for living that all of us can use. Enjoy!

Edith:

“Throughout my life I have stayed active in sports and other physical activities. Now that I’m 96 years old, I make sure to walk as much as I can. It keeps the body moving, the blood flowing and I always feel better after a walk.”

Virgil:

“I keep my mind and body active by helping others in doing crafts such as bead stringing and jewelry making. I have always believed that when I die it won’t matter how much money I have or how large of a home. What will matter is how many people I have helped as I’ve traveled that road of life.”

Gilbert:

“The first election I voted in was the third re-election of Franklin D. Roosevelt vs. Wendell Wilke in 1940 and I’ve voted in every election since then. That makes 18 elections and 12 presidents. Voting is our right and our obligation according to the Consitution of the United States of America. We should avail ourselves of this right each voting period.”

Ed:

“A father is one who loves his children and their mother in all circumstances. He disciplines with love and not anger. He spends time with his children and shows them by example how to make good choices. He is always there to open his heart to their concerns and he is present in their lives until the end, when it can be put on his headstone with pride ‘He Was My Father.’”

Aaron and Muriel (married 70 years):

“Two words of advice for lasting love: ‘Yes, dear.’

 

Know and Share Your Values – Jeanne’s Lesson

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In our interviews with the Legacy Project elders, we received lots of very useful advice about raising children. One of the most frequently endorsed suggestions they have for young parents is this: Be sure to communicate your values to your children. And your example is often what counts most.

 I was deeply moved by this letter we received from Jeanne, age 86. Jeanne responded on behalf of her husband, and her response illustrates the elders’ emphasis on living by core values.

 Your request for life lessons was received yesterday by my husband, who at 86 years of age suffers from dreaded Alzheimer’s disease. I, his wife, decided to answer for him. I will tell you what I would tell my grandchildren.

Upon graduation from university, he immediately joined the Navy. As a lover of the sea and a sailor he wanted to fly – fly he did as a carrier based bomber pilot hunting German subs in the Atlantic – thus keeping the shipping lanes to Europe open for much needed equipment.

One untold story follows: a blip on sub was received in the North Atlantic. As the seas were calculated to be too high for a safe bomber launch – no order was given, but a request for volunteers. One volunteered – my husband. He said as the only non-married bomber pilot he’d try to find it. His crew also volunteered, which was not necessary – “if he’s going – so are we.”

This thoughtfulness of others was always a character trait which others admired and even is exhibited through this period of Alzheimer’s. His love for me and his children is still there, at times, observed through his smiles, and “Can I help you with anything.” He has forgotten how to open a new toothbrush package, but still wants to help me with any project I’m involved with daily.

“Without honesty there cannot be a relationship”; this phrase he repeated to our three children, and they comment on how this has governed their lives.

After over 61 years of marriage, many trips, many meals, many memories, he still tries to say a blessing at supper – it’s sometimes short but he tries.

As a salesman career, after U.S. service, he was admired by all his customers and many became close friends – this due to his honest method of sales; as I was told many times by his customers.

His commitment to his country and his patriotism is with us every day – he’s living on a ship, and thinks that on Sundays he should wear his blues. One recent day he dressed in his best and after a pleasant country ride, we arrived back home all happy.

 So I tell my grandchildren: Try to imitate grpa’s way of life; by being loyal to your country, serve in need, love and be faithful to family and God, give a helping hand where needed, and be honest at all times to everyone – including yourself.

 

“If We Don’t Forgive…” Sr. Clare’s Advice

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Sr. Clare, 83, has been a nun for over six decades. She has devoted her life to helping the poor and to the spiritual life. When asked what older people are likely to regret, she told me:

I think generally speaking; unfinished business with others or with what they wanted to do or be. For example, not asking about family history, or failing to pay attention to family stories. Failing to have important talks with people, especially around forgiveness or assurance of one’s regard for them, and failing to forgive or reconcile.

There’s a wonderful saying – I  can’t remember the person who wrote this but something about: “If we do not forgive, we keep the person imprisoned in our heart and our heart becomes a hardened prison.”  

The Most Important Lesson? Pearls of Wisdom to Ponder

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In the Legacy Project, we asked over 1200 Americans the question: “As you look back over your life, what are the most important lessons you have learned that you would like to pass on to younger people?”

Sometimes the respondents went on at great length about a lesson. But other times they came out with a straightforward principle for living. Some of these “pearls of elder wisdom” took my breath away and stayed with me. Here are a few of the “short but sweet” lessons we heard from the elders.

Remember that life is short.   When you’re tired sleep.  When you’re hungry eat.  Better yet — eat, drink and be merry.  And do good things for others along the way.  It makes everybody feel better.

Believe passionately in something. And I’m not sure that it matters too much what it is. But I think it’s very important to feel commitment, and to get energy and sustenance from that commitment. It could be religious, it might be environmental. It really could be anything. I think having passion and being willing to express it is important.

Learn to live in the moment. I certainly feel that in my own life I have been too future oriented, and it’s a natural inclination, of course you think about the future, and I’m not suggesting that that’s bad. But boy, is there a lot to be gained from just being able to be in the moment and be able to appreciate what’s going on around you right now this very second. And I’ve more recently gotten better at that and appreciate it. It brings peace. It helps you find a place. It’s calming in a world that is not very peaceful.

I think not putting off too long to do something, there certainly are things to do at certain times in your life that you can’t do at others.  There are no wheelchair ramps to the bottom of the Grand Canyon, so, if you want to get down there, you still have to go when you’ve got two little feet.

 The biggest lesson I have learned is that when I was younger I paid much too much attention to what everybody else thought.  That I didn’t always do what I thought was best.  I often did what everybody else thought I should be doing.  And every time I stood my ground and did what I thought I ought to be doing, I did better

 When there’s a ‘problem,’ it’s more helpful to assume it’s yours than someone else’s. Yours you can fix. Someone else’s you can’t.

What about your lessons? If you’re an elder and want to share your wisdom, or a young person who has learned something from an elder, please post it on our “Share Your Lessons” page!

“Suck it up and get on with life!” Marty’s Lessons

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One key component of elder wisdom has come up often on this blog:  That happiness is a choice, and not a condition. Over and over, respondents in the Legacy Project told us that life invariably involves loss and difficulties. However, individuals can make a conscious choice to make the best of their circumstances – even when the circumstances aren’t ideal.

Marty, 82, is a retired college professor. He’s gone through the loss of his first wife in his mid-60s and is now in a very happy second marriage. Marty emphasizes the importance of choosing to be optimistic and as cheerful as possible:

I think you have to be enthusiastic about things and not be grumbly about everything. I always follow the idea that, well, today’s today, and if today doesn’t go well I’ll try it again tomorrow. I think that’s very, very important.

My first wife died and I was really down, I would have to say. And then I woke up one morning and I said to myself, “You know George, what you always used to say to your students when something happened was “Suck it up and get on with life!” And, to me it was amazing that I didn’t tell myself the same thing. But I did it that morning. That was in 1995, and on that day I decided I still was young enough to do things – and I did! I think we all doubt when we get to certain ages that we can do it anymore. But you can still make a difference to people.

I believe that lots of people are not very flexible. And I think sometimes you have to be flexible in order to continue to have a good life and continue to do the things where you can help people.

So I decided that although I was older when my wife died, I wasn’t going to give up. I hadn’t dated anybody in forty years, so it was going to be hard.. But, I think you have to say to yourself, “Look, life goes on.” There are lots of things that’ll happen to you that you’ll have to overcome whether you’re twenty or thirty or forty; it doesn’t matter. You have to move on.

So tell people to remember that it’s never too late, it’s never too late to change and it’s okay to change.

New Life Direction After 80? A Reader Seeks Your Advice!

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I recently received an inquiry from Donald, who had heard about my book 30 Lessons for Living. It inspired him to write about the juncture he feels his life has reached. Do you readers have any suggestions for him?

Donald wrote:

 In three weeks I will be 88 — however I don’t feel a day over 44.

I am aware that for some time now, I have been repeating yesterday, day after day — so what can I do about the next ten years,- to reverse my attitude — to radically change my direction? I believe I want greater changes in my life.

Many people in their 80s and beyond see it as a time of new beginnings – but how should Donald make this a reality? Advice is welcome from your own experience (if you are in the older years) or from the experience of older people you know who struck out in new directions in later life.

Look forward to hearing from you!

Back from Italy! Which Reminds Me of Maria

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I’ve just come back from two weeks in Italy (yes, it’s a hard job, but someone has to do it). While there, I noticed something that one doesn’t often see in the United States.

 In all the little villages, there is the custom of the passeggiata. In the early evening, after the heat of the day, whole families take a gentle stroll, usually winding up in the central piazza of the town. What you see are entire families: small children on bicycles or kicking soccer balls, parents, and grandparents. As you watch the nonni (most often the nonna, or grandmother) keeping a watchful eye on the grandchildren, there’s a feeling of real integration into family life.

Spending time in Italy made me think of one of our Legacy Project elders, Maria. Like many Italians of her generation, Maria immigrated to this country, experiencing a mix of opportunity, hardship, and resilience. Maria has been married for 57 years. It would be hard to find a happier 83-year old, despite what many would consider a hard life.

Maria shared her lessons for living:

I didn’t have opportunity to go to college but we did have a school, and we had to go miles away from home even for that. And sure, it’s very important to get a good education. But now young people expect too much and too soon. We didn’t have what we have today; we didn’t have computers, we didn’t have TV. So today they’re lucky, they can learn a lot. But I feel that they don’t enjoy life, they look for something they cannot find. So they go with the bottle, they go with drugs and all that.

My life has been hard at times. I went through so much that I can’t even explain. The decision to come to this country was the best one at that time, because we had to go someplace, but we lost everything, it was very hard to leave your own country. I left my hometown at sixteen with my father and my brother. What I learned there was how to grow up fast and take care of my brother who was little, be a mother for him. I worked hard, I will suggest to everybody that if they want something, work hard and they’re going to get it.

I wasn’t spoiled, I was happy with nothing, and that made me work hard to get a little bit more. Take life the way it comes, easy. Try not to think about tomorrow too much, you know? Enjoy today because you don’t know when it’s tomorrow, if you’re going to be here tomorrow.

I enjoy every minute! I love my husband; every time he goes out, I never let him go without a kiss because you always wonder if something can happen. Never fall asleep without saying goodnight to the husband, never. And don’t be mad, that’s what I learned in my life, don’t be mad at other people. Enjoy things now, and stop worrying.

“Laugh at Yourself” – Our Grand Prize Winning Lesson from Young Person

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Rachel Dawson won our grand prize in the Legacy Project contest for younger people, who offered a lesson they’ve learned from an elder in our lives. She tells about grandparents with a great sense of humor!

Immediately after graduate school, I had the opportunity to live with my grandparents for a year while I completed an exciting but low-paying internship. Although they lived very simply, they were incredibly happy people — both were in their mid-80s and had been married for 61 years at the time.

 In late 2006 and early 2007, one of the biggest cable news network headlines was the paternity of Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter. One morning, I overheard my grandfather shouting to my grandmother “Grandma! GRANDMA! I have something to tell you!” She asked, “What is it, Bob?” He replied, “I’m really sorry…I’m the father of Anna Nicole’s baby!”

At that moment, it was apparent to me that their individual and shared sense of humor had played a significant role in the longevity of their marriage and their six decades of happiness. Rarely had they taken themselves or life too seriously.

I learned a lot that year during my internship, but the most valuable lesson came from them: cultivating the ability to laugh at ourselves and poke good-natured fun at each other is key to weathering the rough times and building a strong, happy life and relationship.

“You Can Do Anything for an Hour” – Contest Winner

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We asked young people to submit lessons they have learned from an elder in their lives, and we picked three winners. Here’s the first – a great example of what we can learn from elders if we pay attention. Danny Ellison penned this winning entry.

I learned from an older gentleman once that you can do ANYTHING for an hour.

I (a 30 year old man) was casually playing fiddle with a group of older folks at a bluegrass festival when the director of the festival came to our group and told us that there had been a health issue with one of the professional bands due to perform later that afternoon. He asked us if we would like to play in their place.

We excitedly accepted. We practiced as long as we could, and although we played well together, we were no match for the other professional groups playing that weekend. As we approached the stage for our part of the show (following one of the best bluegrass bands I have ever heard, I might add), I told my older friend that I felt like I was too nervous to play. That’s when he said, “Son, you can do ANYTHING for an hour.”

 I have since applied this wisdom to ANYTHING I dread doing and it has gone a long way in helping me put things into perspective.