Happiness Made Simple: 5 Elders on Savoring the Small Things in Life

As part of the Legacy Project, we conducted a national survey of older people. I recently was looking through the hundreds of lessons these elders provide, and I was struck by one particular point. When it comes to happiness, many of the elders urge us to “think small.” They are thankful for what they have, right now, rather than pinning their happiness on future achievements or possessions. I’m thinking that many younger people could benefit from this perspective.

Here are five simple pieces of advice for happier living:

Everybody says that you should make a goal in your life, but I don’t think that’s always necessary because you make a goal and the first thing you know, you switched over to something else. All I wanted to do was be a mother, and I did. I had three boys and three girls and my husband made a living for us, we did fairly well, all of our children are still living and they’re happy, so I’m happy. (Roseann, 79)

Every morning when I wake up, I thank God that at 75 years old I’m able to get up, take my shower, go about my business, by my groceries or go to work or whatever I do, I’m very thankful for that. (Lavonne, 75)

Just take life in stride, I guess, do the best you can. Enjoy, if you can afford it, living; going out and treating yourself to a few luxuries, like maybe going out to dinner, going for a ride, or something like that. (Abel, 77)

Be grateful for each day that you wake up. (Roman, 84)

To live a decent life, a comfortable life, and that basically makes me happy. (Luann, 81)

Before You Commit, Take a Look at Your Future In-Laws

Sometimes the elders had a lesson really surprised me.  When I asked them about their advice for selecting a future spouse, I didn’t expect to hear this one: Take your partner’s family into consideration!

They point out that looking at potential future in-laws carefully can be an important safeguard against making the wrong choice. And the time to ponder this issue  is before the wedding.

For Bonnie, 73, incompatibility with her husband’s family was a serious source of unhappiness.

I married someone whose family just never accepted me, and this also applied to some of the other relatives that came into the family as in-laws.  I was interested in meeting all kinds of people growing up and I didn’t grow up in a big household, so I thought this relationship with his extended family was eventually going to be very workable.  But it really wasn’t.  Once I was in the marriage, that didn’t really work out that well, and there was no way I could leave.  I think I would have been consumed by guilt at the time.  So I stayed in the marriage.

For Gloria, 77, her future husband’s family was a plus.

I liked my in laws. And I think it’s a very simple thing but I would say to somebody contemplating marriage, if there are any frictions between you and the others in the family, look at it really hard because you’re going to be together for a long time. Your children are going to intermingle and when there’s cross words, it breaks the family apart. And I learned this from him and his family. He was very considerate of them, he went to see them every Sunday afternoon for a couple of hours. And then on Wednesday night we would all meet and we would have dinner together, and I think having meals not only with your spouse when you get married is important, you need to go back and have it with other members of your family.

Phyllis, 84, supported the view that observing a future partner’s family is diagnostic of their own behavior:

I think don’t make fast decisions.  Make sure that you get to know the other person’s family because there may be some values there that you don’t realize when you’re just meeting the person.  But when you meet the family, you think oh, now is that going to be an issue?  Also, you get to observe that person with their family and how they get along with their family.  If they don’t get along with their family and they’re miserable to their family, how will they be to you?  Make sure that you get to know the person in a variety of situations.  Perhaps some of my perspective is based on of my kids, who I don’t think is married particularly well, but that was her choice. And the family, there, is part of the problem.

Want to Avoid Regret? Stay Out of Debt!

The news tells us that Americans are finallly getting more cautious about getting into debt. Our elders, many of whom lived through the Great Depression, think it’s about time! One of their strongest lessons is to save up the money before you buy something – or your may regret it.

Here’s what some of the elders interviewed for 30 Lessons for Living told me:

What should young people avoid? Credit card debt. They’ve got to have the instant gratification thing. I struggle with my granddaughter about it all the time because she doesn’t have the patience. She’ll get way in debt for something she’s gotta have and I keep saying: “You’re not ready for this, you don’t have a good down payment.” And also, I want her to have a cushion because sometimes it takes a while in between jobs, and she’s just not prepared to do that. She’s just like; “Well I know I’m going to have this job always.” Well, my first husband; in ten years of marriage, he had thirteen different jobs. And we had three small children and it was very nerve-wracking. (Evette, 83)

One of the things that I would tell any young person was save a little money every week for yourself. Make sure those few dollars a week are put away because that compounds and at the end of fifty years you’re going to have a nice nest egg if you pay yourself first. We have granddaughters that are paying off student loans that are just out of sight. They both worked as waitresses and if they had put aside a few dollars a week for themselves, they might not be struggling so much. (Pru, 75)

Unfortunately, I never had the money to save when I was in my twenties. That’s what I say to my kids now. I say that I wish I could have started saving when I was their age, when they’re in their twenties and like that. If you’ve saved money, like I stress that younger people should do, and then you can really relax when you get older and retire and enjoy life and like that. And think about having your house all paid for, and sit back and enjoy your hobbies and do volunteer work when you get older, and enjoy your grandchildren and travel. But if you’ve saved money and like that, you can do that and not have to keep working. (Flora, 71).

Worth taking a look at before you pull out those credit cards!

Pop’s Life Lessons – His Children Remember

Our readers have been sending in great lists of lessons learned from elders in their lives. We loved this list created by Sarah Templeton Powel and her siblings. It sounds like their father was a fountain of life lessons!

Pop’s List

My father died  at age 92. He was truly a member of “The Greatest Generation”. At his service , I read the following list of life lessons my brother, sister and I learned from Pop:

+EXERCISE EVERY DAY
+DON’T WASTE MONEY, OR ANYTHING ELSE
+BE KIND TO CHILDREN AND ANIMALS
+KEEP YOUR SHOES SHINED
+WHEN SOMETHING GOES WRONG, FIX IT, LEARN FROM IT AND MOVE ON
+FEED THE TROOPS FIRST
+ALWAYS ORDER THE NEXT TO CHEAPEST THING ON THE MENU
+KNOW HOW TO DRIVE A STICK SHIFT
+RESPECT YOUR MOTHER
+GENTLEMEN DON’T SWEAR IN FRONT OF LADIES
+LEAD BY EXAMPLE
+WORK HARD – AND OFTEN
+TAKE VACATIONS, BUT DON’T TRAVEL FIRST CLASS
+ALWAYS HAVE MORE THAN ONE IRON IN THE FIRE
+ONLY BUY WHAT YOU CAN PAY FOR
+DON’T PROCRASTINATE
+USE PRONOUNS CORRECTLY
+TAKE THE HIGH ROAD
+NEVER ARGUE WITH YOUR NEIGHBORS
+IF YOU SAY IT, DO IT
+DISCIPLINE IS A POSITIVE ACTION, NOT A NEGATIVE REACTION
+IF HE SAID SOMETHING WAS WRONG WITH HIM, IT WAS
+NEVER THROW AWAY A PAINT CAN IF THERE IS AT LEAST AN INCH OF PAINT LEFT
+ONLY BIG DOGS COUNT – IRISH WOFLHOUNDS ARE THE BEST
+HONESTY IS NOT THE BEST POLICY – IT IS THE ONLY POLICY
+SAY “THANK YOU” FOR ALL THINGS, GREAT AND SMALL
+ALWAYS LABEL YOUR PHOTOS
+NO ONE HATES WAR MORE THAN THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN IN ONE
+STAND UP STRAIGHT
+LIVE WITH DIGNITY AND HONOR
+VOLUNTEER
+ GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY

“It’s Not Dying You Should Worry About” – Elder Advice on Staying Healthy

Research shows that certain simple behaviors lead to much better heatlh. We don’t need fancy diets or regimens; what we need is to do is: maintain normal weight, exercise at least a few times a week, stop smoking, have breakfast, sleep 7-8 hours, and drink in moderation.

Okay, I said “simple.” But many of us struggle to do even a few of these healthful practices. I wondered if people who have lived most of their lives would have any special advice to help motivate the rest of us. So in our surveys of over 1,200 older Americans, we were interested in what people in their 70s, 80s and beyond would propose the young do about their health.

It turns out that the elders indeed have a profound insight that can transform how younger people look at their health behaviors — before it’s too late. In a nutshell, here’s what they told us:

It’s not dying you should worry about — it’s chronic disease.

This insight — that we should motivate ourselves to healthy behavior based on the threat of chronic illness, and not of dying — can be a powerful motivator for behavior change. Here’s why.

Over the years, I’ve noticed that when people engage in a bad health habit, they try to justify it by talking about dying. Acquaintances who are obese, or smokers, or non-exercisers frequently say that “No one lives forever,” and “Well, if it just cuts a few years of my life, it’s worth it to me.” In fact, I’ve had a couple of beloved family members who said things like: “I love to smoke, so who cares if I drop dead a year or two earlier than I might have?”

According to the oldest Americans, this perspective is all wrong. Because older people know first-hand that the likely penalty for bad health habits isn’t an early death. Instead, dying young is the least of your worries — what you are likely to be in for is years of chronic disease.

Their view is crystal clear: Forget the comforting notion that smoking, over-eating, and other lifestyle choices mean dropping dead one day, a little earlier than other people, perhaps, but so what? In fact, this kind of easy way out almost never occurs. Instead, people sentence themselves to an enormous burden of heart problems, lung disease, and chronic pain, sometimes lasting decades.

So the elders’ lesson is that what you do now for your health is critically important for your future. But, they say, what should really motivate you (I’d even say scare you) is not how long you live, but how well you are going to live. Remember: Your body may need to last you a hundred years — so live that way.

Charlotte, age 84, summed it up nicely:

What you do when you’re young, it will hunt you up when you get old. If you’re young, take care of your body and live right and go to the doctor and keep yourself in good shape. Don’t abuse your body in any way, shape, or form. Now if you don’t do that, a lot of things come out later on in life.

And our interviews show that some of the most regretful elders are those who made bad choices and wound up with debilitating chronic disease. Tina, 80, sadly reported about her beloved husband:

We were married 47 years. He promised me we’d have a 50th anniversary, and he lied to me. He left me at 47 and a half. He was sick for quite a while. He had a heart attack and prior to that he had carotid surgery, first one side then the other. He was a smoker. The kids saw how he had to suffer. And when you told him something about it, ‘Don’t smoke like that’ or his drinking, he’d say ‘So what? You’ve got to die sometime.’ But who suffers? The family.

Examples like this aren’t meant to depress you, but to get you to take action. Stop justifying bad habits by saying “Who cares? We all have to die of something.” Because believe me, there’s no certainty that anyone will just “drop dead” from smoking or obesity — there’s no guarantee of an easy way out after a life of poor health choices. This life lesson from America’s elders is backed up by research — ignore it and you may be looking forward to a long and difficult old age.

The Guilt is Gone

Paul, 71, believes we’re too hard on ourselves when it comes to regrets:

What I know now is I made some mistakes in life, I have some regrets.  I think we all do.  But I’ve learned as I get older. I’ve identified things that I feel as though I did wrong.  I feel bad  aboutthem, but I don’t hold myself responsible at this point in time.  I’m a different person now.  And to know that I erred in certain ways and I feel sad about it is enough for  me.  The guilt is gone.

Learn to Create Your Own Happiness

The consensus of the elders is that we can’t wait for external events to bring about happiness. They suggest we can make a choice not to brood negatively. If you’re struggling and need a lift, consider these statements from our elders

I have learned the importance of getting out and doing things and making friends wherever you are, and not feeling sorry for yourself. (Juan, 71)

I had a very rough life, it would take me hours just to tell you what has gone on in my life. You just have to pull up your boot straps and keep on going. You have to make up your mind, you’ve either got to live one way or the other, it’s your choice. (Laverne, 82)

Here is what I have learned: I came into this world with nothing, my experiences are only mine and I will leave this world with nothing. The only one I can change is myself. You must learn to create your own happiness; you cannot depend on others to do this for you. (Cheryl, 86)

Don’t brood on any past shortcomings or failures. Learn what you can from them, resolve to do better, and live on. (Jerome, 69)

Do the right thing, and things open up for you

Some of the elders in the Legacy Project gave a thoughtful, reflective review of their long lives, weaving their life lessons into that narrative. In many cases, their lessons came from encountering and overcoming adversity.  Mamie, an 82-year old who lived through racial discrimination and hardship, but looks back on a very rich life.

My most important life lessons? Well, my marriage life, I was married about thirty years, it was a good marriage. And I was a schoolteacher; I enjoyed that for thirty years. And my parents were good, we weren’t rich, but I had good parents and that’s more important than having a lot of money. We would sit down to the table and eat. And church has become important to me in my older years; I was glad that I was in church.

I was born in the South and I had to sit in the back of the bus, but over the years I’ve become proud of my heritage. I think we’re special.

When I lost my husband, my children became the most important thing in my life. My kids were important, two went to college. One’s a teacher and one’s a chemist.

I’m not rich or anything, I’ve got a fair income, but the main thing is I thank God that I am living, and I do have aches and pains but they come with growing old.

A big choice for me was becoming a schoolteacher instead of a lawyer or something. I found that it’s not making as much money, but it’s been more enjoyable. Sometimes in teaching you not only teach, but you’re a friend to those kids. It’s not just teaching, it’s listening to the kids. And most of my time, being a Black teacher, I spent quite a bit of time with the white students and I found out they didn’t care about color. If you were their teacher and on their side, that’s all that matters. And my decision to go to church rather than going to nightclubs was good. I never got into drugs; I found that was a good way of doing it. I’d rather be in church than going to the bar every week and doing this and that.

Being honest is the main thing. When it’s all said and done, you have to do things the right way. There’s no outdoors or backdoors to lying. Somewhere along the line, you have to be honest with yourself. And by being honest with yourself, doors are open. I’m not “religious-religious,” but I do believe that if I do the right thing and so forth, things will open up for me.

About advice for young people: I found out two things by being a teacher: one problem is drugs, and the second problem is they are having babies. They’re out there, they never go to school, they start out on the corner selling drugs, and they don’t know anything about education and so forth. And we’re paying more money to house them in prison than we are if we could get them in and teach them the right and wrong. I cry about it sometimes to see our young people out selling drugs and they think that’s important. But their parents never taught them the right way of doing things.

Now, about getting old. As you grow older, take it day by day. I know we cry about this and that but we know we’ve got to grow old, so we should try and do the best we can. I retired about five or six years earlier than I should of, but I couldn’t help it because health problems set in and I had to. But I would say if you can, try to prepare for retirement. But take a day at a time and things will work out.

Wisdom from the past – for the youngest generation

Verna, 91, wrote this “list for living” to her great-grandchildren. It’s a good one to pass on to the next generation in your family (be it children, grandchildren, or further down the line!

TO MY WONDERFUL GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN – ALL OF THEM:

1. So many things in the world have changed since the time of my grandparents and parents and the earlier times of my own life, and I know that there will be lots of changes in your lifetime too.

2. I hope you will always take school seriously (I was a teacher) and become well-educated to be ready for whatever kind of work or service you will be doing; that you will respect your body- take good care of it and try to have good health.

3. I hope that the governments of the world will do a better job of getting along with each other so that you can experience peace among nations.

4. I hope you will be a positive thinker, not negative or cynical; look for the good in people and things, and fill your life with love, kindness, and thoughtfulness for others.

5. Most important is to know God as you go into the future. I would hope that you will know the peace and joy and courage that come from following a life of love and service- the peace that passes all understanding.

5. Your real success in life lies is the kind of person you become, not with how famous or wealthy you are, so my most sincere wish is for you to live the wholesome life that will lead you to make good choices along the way, to Reach That Star that you are striving to reach.

YOU CAN DO IT!

The Emphasis Should Be on Life!

Among the Legacy Project elders, I found the advice from people in their 90s and beyond to be particularly stirring. The sheer quantity of historical and personal events they have been through makes their comments particularly meaningful. Wilfred, 93, reflected on his long life experience and offers these lessons for living.

Be true to yourself! Times have changed, academic degrees are necessary today in business and even in the armed services; they are the markers used to score you. Nevertheless continue to pursue interests that appeal to you, because that is where the joy fights the pain. If you like what you are doing, happiness and success should come in time.

As I grew up, I abided by a code of ethics that came from my inner self. I always attempted to do the right thing both for my customers in business and with my friends as I went through life. This may sound corny and preachy but it worked for me. I rarely regretted an action and maintained peace of mind.

The most important thing is to keep busy, whether it is business for profit or volunteering services to help others. May I point out that I never thought I was doing a “Good Deed” or a favor, since they were also providing me with companionship and an opportunity to use my alleged mind.

There is a line in “Zorba the Greek” that says, “Life is what you do while you are waiting to die.” The emphasis should be on Life!