How to Be a Happy Couple: Advice from Elizabeth, 89

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All couples want to be happy, but not all succeed. I received this wonderful piece of advice from Elizabeth,  89, who is a 1944 graduate of Cornell University (where I am a professor).

Elizabeth was, as she put it, “in love with my husband for 70 years.” She went on:

We had 9 children,  traveled to over 70 countries, started a few businesses and especially a foundation.   Early in our life, a priest asked us if we would set up a teaching mechanism to advise engaged couples.  What we came up with was the importance of matched values. 

 We made 2 sets of cards for each couple  – each card had one value on it, such as:

EDUCATION

FAMILY

MONEY

CAREER

RELIGION

HEALTH

SEX

We sent the men into one room and the women into another.  Each was to arrange the values in the order of their importance.  Then they got back together and everyone discussed their preferences.  Some immediately realized that they would not get along and broke up!

Regarding her own marriage, she told me:

As for John and me,  God was the most important feature of our life.  When we had differences, we went to God in prayer to help resolve the issue.  Also,  both of us put the other first.  I felt that I devoted my life to him and he believed he devoted his life to me.  We were both correct.

 I helped him in all his businesses.  We always made time for fun in our lives.  We belonged to formal dance groups – and attended a formal dance at least once a month.  We had a real struggle as far as money andactually went into bankruptcy when we had three children in college.  Some of our children also had difficulties. We weathered all these storms and grew closer together.  John died three years ago and I am now living in a retirement home.  I feel his presence daily and constantly ask him   to help me make decisions. 

Why not try the exercise Elizabeth and John created? See how your values match those of your partner (or prospective partner). And let us know in a comment how it worked for you!

The Marriage Advice is Coming In!

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We asked America’s elders to tell us their advice for love and marriage, and the lessons are pouring in! In this new project, we’re taking all we’ve learned from the Legacy Project, and applying it to the specific topic of love and marriage (and long-term committed relationships).

If you’re 60 or over, come to the site for the Marriage Advice Project and tell us your lessons for how to have a good marriage (or how to avoid a bad one!). And if you are not over 60, please pass this information on to friends and relatives who are!

Here’s inspiring advice we just received from an 82-year old – she and her husband were married 62 years ago!

What is the most important advice to give someone when at 82, you still hold hands with your 85 year old husband? How quickly the 62 years have gone by. We have five children and we always told them the reason for our long and happy marriage – whoever left first had to take all five children with them!!! They toasted us with this saying at our 60th anniversary celebration!

Humor can be the best resource in marriage – next to belief in God. In our family, God automatically came first and belief in His way has led us.

To have a sense of humor really takes the edges off of a tense situation – this is a nice way of saying “fight.” Do not tell my husband and me that you do not fuss or disagree – we will not believe you. For you are human and have differences of opinion and isn’t it wonderful – that way you have a choice!!!

From the start, we recognized that we were definitely individuals who had definite “likes” and we appreciated and respected that in each other. We led separate lives – together. I traveled, he hunted and fished – I did handwork and sewed – he played music. I loved romping with the children – he liked silence! We both love football. Together we made it by respecting each other.

Never lose touch – we call each other several times a day just to say hi. I am still working at 82 – he is home in a wheelchair, having lost his ability to walk – both cell phones have one special # we punch to reach the other to just say hi. It is still a thrill to answer the cell and hear him say “hi.”

Share Your Advice on Love and Marriage: A New Project!

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We are thrilled to announce the next stage in the Legacy Project!

We have received so much interest in the advice America’s elders have for marriage and committed relationships, that we are embarking on a new “legacy project” specifically on that topic. We’ve heard from any younger people that they deeply want more advice on issues like choosing a partner, overcoming conflict, dealing with the stress work and child-rearing can have on a marriage, and having a happy marriage for decades. The overwhelming response to my blog posts on the Huffington Post (here and here) also shows how much interest there is in this topic.

We have created a page on which we invite people 60 and over to share their lessons for having a happy and successful marriage. We are not restricting answers to marriage, however – anyone who wants to share advice about long-term committed relationships is more than welcome! (If you aren’t over 60, you can of course  join in too, but the project is based on advice from individuals 60 and over).

Here’s the link for the Cornell Marriage Advice Project. Please spread the word! We hope to get advice from a wide and diverse audience of older Americans!

Older Americans, Debt, and the Election

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In this election season, political commentators are busily debating why different American subgroups vote the way they do. This year, they’re paying increasing attention to older Americans, largely because the elderly are more likely to vote than young people.

I’d like to shed light on what concerns older Americans in this election cycle, but I solemnly swear that I will not mention polling numbers. Instead, my analysis is based on surveys we have conducted with over 1,200 older people on their core beliefs and values, and the kinds of advice they have for future generations (described in my book on the topic). I make the following disclaimer: My comments are not partisan — any party that finds them useful is welcome to them!

In hundreds of interviews with America’s elders, I learned that there is one thing about which they have strong – sometimes visceral – feelings. It makes them deeply uneasy, even afraid. And contemporary attitudes about it are staggering to many of them.

For the oldest Americans, the real four-letter word is debt.

Where does this fear come from? It stems in part from the Great Depression. They saw people lose their livelihoods and their homes, making them aware of how tenuous financial security is. They saw what happened to people who couldn’t pay their bills, and it instilled in them a frugal mentality. Even 70-year-olds, born after the Depression officially ended, were affected by the experiences of their often traumatized parents.

For this reason, we heard one clear message from the elders: Live within your means. What separates seniors from the baby boomers and later generations is a debt-avoiding mentality: If you can’t pay for it now, don’t buy it. Older people are natural recyclers, repairers, and re-users. For example, for many “recycling” gift wrap means opening it carefully and saving it for a future present (and the same holds true for tin foil and plastic wrap).

How deeply ingrained is this mentality? Here are a few examples from the elders we talked to.

Evette, 83:

What should young people avoid? Debt! They’ve got to have the instant gratification thing. I struggle with my granddaughter about it all the time because she doesn’t have the patience. She’ll get way in debt for something she’s gotta have and I keep saying: “You’re not ready for this; you don’t have a good down payment.” And also, I want her to have a cushion because sometimes it takes a while in between jobs, and she’s just not prepared to do that. She’s just like; “Well I know I’m going to have this job always.” Well, my first husband; in ten years of marriage, he had thirteen different jobs. And we had three small children and it was very nerve-wracking.

Pru, 75:

One of the things that I would tell any young person was save a little money every week for yourself. Make sure those few dollars a week are put away because that compounds and at the end of fifty years you’re going to have a nice nest egg if you pay yourself first. We have granddaughters that are paying off student loans that are just out of sight. They both worked as waitresses and if they had put aside a few dollars a week for themselves, they might not be struggling so much.

Florence, 91

For major purchases, save first and pay cash. This goes for cars and it can be done. As soon as I’ve bought a car, I start saving (in the savings account) for the next. Making payments adds much more to the cost. That money can be yours to use.

We learned that older Americans are baffled by America’s debt culture, and when the housing bubble burst, they could easily have said to us: “I told you so.” On the issue of the federal deficit, the personal and political are mixed: the abhorrence of being deeply in debt extends from their own financial lives to anxiety about our national debt. And we heard this response from most of the elders we interviewed, whether their party affiliation was Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, or Green.

Therefore, the advice to any politician or party that wants to appeal to the 70-and-over set is this: Convince them that you really care about the debt we’re in, and give them reasonable and detailed plans for dealing with it.

Older Americans are sometimes accused of hoarding societal resources (like Social Security). But remember, these are people who know how to sacrifice – just ask someone who held her family together during World War II, or was a child during the Depression. Our interviews suggest that they would be willing to sacrifice again, if they truly believe it will reduce the national debt.

Someone should offer them a deficit-reduction plan they understand and can support. I predict they would cross party lines to do so.

Mike’s List for Living: 10 Tips for a Happy Life

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We love the elders’ lists of their advice for living – and readers tell us they wind up on refrigerators across the country!

Mike, 72, summed up his principles for a happy and healthy life in 10 succinct points.

1. My father told me always to be honest. If you are honest you never have to remember what you said.

2. Another aphorism is to reach for the stars. You may not get there, but you might reach the moon.

3. You only have one chance to make a first impression. In the first conference meeting with my colleagues I made an astute observation which impressed everyone. After that, no matter how stupid my comments were, I was still viewed as knowledgeable. If it had been the other way, my opinions would be somewhat suspect for a long time.

4. Don’t let little things bother you. Most everything is a little thing.

5. Be cheerful. Nobody likes a sourpuss.  (Nor do they like saccharine sweetness.)

6. Remember Aristotle and search for the golden mean between extremes.

7. Vote. You are partially to blame if the wrong candidate gets elected.

8. Organize your life. It’s much easier to remember where you put things.

9.  Be spiritual. But don’t force your spirituality on others. There are many pathways to truth.

10. Re-evaluate your life periodically. But don’t obsess if it doesn’t turn out the way you expected. Surprises occur all too often.

A Reader Writes: Bob’s Lesson on the Transitory Nature of Life

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One of the joys of hosting this blog is the elder wisdom we receive from our readers. I would like to share this reflection from Bob about the need to acknowledge our limited time horizon, and to life fully in the face of loss.

Bob wrote:

In Robert Frost’s poem “Out, Out,” a young man dies tragically, and for a moment all those around him are affected by the tragedy of his loss. Yet soon, “…they, since they were not the one dead, turned to their affairs.”

I recently lost my brother, and in the gathering at his funeral the members of our family were, for a time, more closely united with one another and with the deeper wisdoms of life than we had been for quite some time. We felt our kinship, and the transitory nature of life. We considered the legacy of the one lost, and wondered what essence of worth and goodness we ourselves would leave behind. We searched for that worth in a history too often filled with days of mundane business and busyness. And for a brief time we connected with each other, and deeper truths about love, and service to others, and humility, and faith.

But soon we returned to our mundane affairs, our busyness, our separations, our self-absorbed pursuits. My wisdom is this: live a good life today; give and receive selfless love; serve others – so that when you come to a time of reflection you can say: “I have made good choices. I have lived, and loved, and been loved, and served others well.” It will make all the difference.

From Friends to Finances: Florence’s Lessons for Living

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Florence provided this truly useful list of lessons for living – from the perspective of the tenth decade of life!

I am a 91-year-old single woman but my life experience has been a little different. My second job after college was as a worker in a children’s home. Among my children was a little girl who came to me at 21 months. After taking care of her for several years she needed a permanent home. I adopted and raised her. Later four teenagers of her large family came to to live with me and finish school. All are married but we are still very close. So, with grandchildren, great grands, and a couple of grea- greats I have a big family.

Here’s a summary of the lessons I have learned:

Get control of your finances. This will require careful planning and willpower. Accept that you can’t have everything- at least right away. Decide on the essentials, a place to live, utilities, food, etc.

You need a checking account and a savings account. Take each paycheck to the bank and deposit, don’t cash it. Hold out enough for cash purchases, groceries, etc. Leave enough in the checking account to pay current bills. Whenever possible, put a little in the savings account. This is your emergency fund for unexpected expenses and a start toward your savings.

Be wary of credit cards. Never use one unless you can pay the bill in full at the end of the month. The interest can be devastating to your finances.

Aim toward home ownership. Rent is a constant drain with nothing to show for it.

For major purchases, save first and pay cash. This goes for cars and it can be done. As soon as I’ve bought a car, I start saving (in the savings account) for the next. Making payments adds much more to the cost. That money can be yours to use.

When you have your finances organized and are keeping out of debt you are ready for the next step. Start your life savings. It is all right to start small but you can’t start too soon. Locate a full service brokerage firm that is a member of the New York Stock Exchange. Request an appointment with a financial adviser, who will

listen to your needs and advise accordingly. Medium risk stock will likely serve you best. Later you can use the dividends for extra income. If you keep increasing your stock portfolio, it will provide financial security for retirement. Never buy stock from a small outfit that only deals with a limited type of stock or on advice of an individual.

Friends are your support group. They are the people with similar interests with whom you share your joys and sorrows. They may be near or far. Maintaining the ties may mean letters, phone calls, or an occasional visit. Be willing to do your part. The friendship will deepen over the years.

Also be open to making new friends. I treasured my lifelong friendships but I have outlived al of them. Because I made new, and much younger, friends when I moved to a new area I still have good friends.

Develop hobbies. Friends are great but it is important to develop interests and hobbies you can pursue alone. I garden, sew, walk, read, do genealogy, care for my pet cats, feed the birds and squirrels, take part in church activities, camp, and travel. The days are never long enough. I still have and drive my small motor home but I’ve run out of traveling companions so I take it to a nearby campground and travel more by air. I take trips with a purpose. I’ve been on mission trips to Mexico three times, to the Oberammergau Passion Play, to Africa with a small local group and last fall a wonderful trip to Peru with Heifer International.

Find a church. If you are not already connected with a church, look for one where you are comfortable with the beliefs and find people with whom you are congenial. Regular church attendance provides stability and deepens your spiritual resources. It is also a good place to find friends.

Accepting Our Mixed Feelings about Children – Loraine’s Lesson

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Loraine Bauer, 89, was married at age 15 and had three children before she was twenty.

I was much too young because it meant that I was not a very good mother.  You know you love them and you do the best you can, but I didn’t know about being a mother.  I never even held a baby until I held my first baby.  And contrary to what most people would think, I was not pregnant when I was married.  She wasn’t born until fourteen months after we had this marriage.  But that was much too young, even though I married a good person.  He was to the best of his ability a kind and loving husband and father but we wound up divorced when the kids were still little.

You know they’re beautiful children, beautiful physically.  They have also grown into beautiful people.  And I guess hell, they must have gotten that from somewhere, wouldn’t you think?  I must have done something right.  One thing is that I would design and make beautiful clothes.  And even for my little son. 

And I remember one day – you probably have events that for no particular reason memories that staywith you. Well, maybe you don’t.  Maybe you’re not old enough, I don’t know, to have all that many memories.  But I remember one Saturday afternoon. 

We lived way away from any grocery stores or anything like that.  My husband would hitch up the mule and buggy and drive two miles to pick up the week’s supply of groceries.  And I remember one day he was taking our little son with him who must have been about two years old.  And I had made him this lovely little white shirt and a little pair of short brown pants with suspenders that buttoned over him.  And he was sitting there on the wagon seat beside his father. 

 If you don’t have children, when you have them you will have these moments.  When you look at them and your heart – it’s like your heart takes all the pain and all the love for them that you have because he looked so beautiful sitting there beside Daddy.

If Not Now, When? Anita’s Lessons for Living

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Here’s a post for our summer intern, Jackie Santo. Thanks to Jackie for sharing what she learned from Anita, age 67.

 I recently had the pleasure of speaking with Anita about what she believes are the most important obligations that we, as people, owe ourselves and that we owe others throughout the course of our lives.

Anita maintains that we have an obligation to enjoy life, to make the most out of it, and to savor it. Below, Anita mentions the some of the most important pieces of insight that she wished she knew at age 20:

To be true to oneself. To try and know who you are. To appreciate who you are. And to try and live with integrity in all that you do and how you live

It’s important to know how to savor what you have, to not take things for granted and to help inculcate in yourself a sense of gratitude for what you have and not focus on the things that are absent from your life.

Live life to its fullest, you know? “If not now, when?” has become very much my motto. My companion and I have done a lot of travel, and every time I suggest a new place to visit he’s sort of like “are you kidding?”, and I always say “If not now, When?” so I am very fortunate to be in a position where at this point in my life I can do, sort of, whatever I want to do, and I’m doing it.

Aging is coupled with certain risks and resiliencies. Although many people encounter illness and mental deterioration as they get older, they also gather wisdom and life lessons. Anita asserts the familial, societal, and generational obligations that we owe each other to aid the ill and pass wisdom on to the young:

My father used to say that if you can do a good turn for someone else, why wouldn’t you do it? And I think that that’s been a perspective that I have had, as well about caring about other people. My work certainly has been infused with the notion that we have a social contract, that we have obligations not only to those who are closest to us but to the society to which we live.

I have, as someone once described, a heightened sense of justice and I feel very much that we have an obligation to speak out and to stand up and to struggle to make change. I think we have a generational obligation. I certainly recognize it in terms of being a parent to my child, but I certainly also felt it very much in terms of being a child to my parent, and I guess a lot of my work in the aging field has come from that perspective – that we have an obligation to those who came before us.

Excellent life wisdom we all can use!

Overcoming Obstacles for Success – Advice from Grace

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Here’s our first guest blog from summer intern Ariana Wolk, who interviewed Grace, age 79, about her lessons for living. Grace learned to never give up on a dream while creating a pre-school for young children. Thanks, Ariana!       

Grace raised her children in Brooklyn, where she still resides with her husband. Throughout childrearing, Grace embedded the importance of education in her children’s minds, and encouraged them to use family trips as inspiration for school reports and assignments. Grace’s strong belief in education led her to found a school in her neighborhood.

To this day, Grace is the principal of the school and actively works with the children to ensure they receive the highest education possible. Grace’s early struggle – but ultimate success – in getting the school up and running is a testament to the willpower she exemplifies.

 Grace ran into a few obstacles along the way. Despite the setbacks, her desire to provide a place of enrichment for children helped her overcome the struggles. Grace told me:

Do not let anybody tell you you can’t do it. If you feel you can do something and you’re positive about it, whatever the business is, if you believe in yourself and you think you can do it, you will do it. 

And Grace didn’t let anyone tell her she “couldn’t do it!” When the building she wanted for her school was too expensive, she figured out a long-term payment plan with the landlord. When the city objected to the use of the building, Grace went to directly to the mayor and got his permission. When Grace found out she needed more education to run the school, she went back for her masters degree. Her belief in herself and desire to start this school led her to take action and build the establishment that still exists today.

 Grace’s determination deemed benefits for the entire city of Brooklyn. Grace explained:

 It took me five years to get out of debt. But I didn’t care. I got my school. It was licensed and it was the best thing I ever did…If you were going to buy a house today and you wanted to make a school out of it, you would call downtown and use the precedence of my school! I set a precedent in the whole city. Now anyone who wants to turn a house into a nursery school just needs to follow what I did and the city can’t deny them.

 Grace also emphasized the need to choose a career for its intrinsic rewards: “You have to love what you do. You cannot be in any business if you don’t have a feeling of fulfillment and it’s only for money.” She told me that the feeling she receives when her three-year old students begin to read is defined as fulfillment. She does not work for the money—instead, she does it because she loves it. And Grace  truly practices what she preaches. Just as much as she loves instilling information in young children, she also enjoys enriching herself, and learning new things. After her first initial bachelor’s degree, grace went on to receive a Ph.D.

 If that is not genuine love for education and her profession, then I don’t know what is!