Paul, 71, believes we’re too hard on ourselves when it comes to regrets:
What I know now is I made some mistakes in life, I have some regrets. I think we all do. But I’ve learned as I get older. I’ve identified things that I feel as though I did wrong. I feel bad aboutthem, but I don’t hold myself responsible at this point in time. I’m a different person now. And to know that I erred in certain ways and I feel sad about it is enough for me. The guilt is gone.
Some of the elders in the Legacy Project gave a thoughtful, reflective review of their long lives, weaving their life lessons into that narrative. In many cases, their lessons came from encountering and overcoming adversity. Mamie, an 82-year old who lived through racial discrimination and hardship, but looks back on a very rich life.
My most important life lessons? Well, my marriage life, I was married about thirty years, it was a good marriage. And I was a schoolteacher; I enjoyed that for thirty years. And my parents were good, we weren’t rich, but I had good parents and that’s more important than having a lot of money. We would sit down to the table and eat. And church has become important to me in my older years; I was glad that I was in church.
I was born in the South and I had to sit in the back of the bus, but over the years I’ve become proud of my heritage. I think we’re special.
When I lost my husband, my children became the most important thing in my life. My kids were important, two went to college. One’s a teacher and one’s a chemist.
I’m not rich or anything, I’ve got a fair income, but the main thing is I thank God that I am living, and I do have aches and pains but they come with growing old.
A big choice for me was becoming a schoolteacher instead of a lawyer or something. I found that it’s not making as much money, but it’s been more enjoyable. Sometimes in teaching you not only teach, but you’re a friend to those kids. It’s not just teaching, it’s listening to the kids. And most of my time, being a Black teacher, I spent quite a bit of time with the white students and I found out they didn’t care about color. If you were their teacher and on their side, that’s all that matters. And my decision to go to church rather than going to nightclubs was good. I never got into drugs; I found that was a good way of doing it. I’d rather be in church than going to the bar every week and doing this and that.
Being honest is the main thing. When it’s all said and done, you have to do things the right way. There’s no outdoors or backdoors to lying. Somewhere along the line, you have to be honest with yourself. And by being honest with yourself, doors are open. I’m not “religious-religious,” but I do believe that if I do the right thing and so forth, things will open up for me.
About advice for young people: I found out two things by being a teacher: one problem is drugs, and the second problem is they are having babies. They’re out there, they never go to school, they start out on the corner selling drugs, and they don’t know anything about education and so forth. And we’re paying more money to house them in prison than we are if we could get them in and teach them the right and wrong. I cry about it sometimes to see our young people out selling drugs and they think that’s important. But their parents never taught them the right way of doing things.
Now, about getting old. As you grow older, take it day by day. I know we cry about this and that but we know we’ve got to grow old, so we should try and do the best we can. I retired about five or six years earlier than I should of, but I couldn’t help it because health problems set in and I had to. But I would say if you can, try to prepare for retirement. But take a day at a time and things will work out.
Isn’t it ironic to see all the media stories at this time of year about “holiday stress?” How did what should be a relaxing and
restorative time become yet another stressful event? As I think about the life lessons of the Legacy Project elders, one message seems to me helpful in staying relaxed over the holidays: Lighten up.
The elders often pointed out that a key to savoring each of life’s wonderful moments is developing and maintaining a sense of humor. Here are two takes on that theme from Alison and Margaret.
Alison, 79, has traveled the world after her retirement for a career as a teacher. She gave this advice:
You should see the fun in the world instead of dwelling on the unhappy things. Take each day and live it, love it, it might be your very last day here. Don’t be aggravated, don’t aggravate anybody else, and just keep a smile on your face. You’ll be happier and everyone around you will be, too. Try to remain upbeat, no matter what, and never lose your sense of humor, even if your jokes are awful. Keep cracking your jokes to whoever you see. Find something fun and pleasant and happy to say to them. You’ll lead a much better life that way. Look at the glass as half full – be positive – look at a problem as to how it can be made to work out, not that it cannot.
Margaret, 71, whose responses sparkled with good humor, wrote:
It’s like I’ve taken the attitude of what difference does it make? So I eat my chocolate, I have my martini at night, I don’t take as good care of myself since I’ve gotten older. But I feel pretty darn good to be as old as I am!
Many elders have learned to take a lighter attitude toward life – perhaps this is a good New Year’s resolution for all of us!
Arlene, 83, was raised in the segrated South, became a teacher, and helped many children throughout her life. Life wasn’t always easy for her, but she feels fulfilled and satisfied by what she accomplished. She worries, however, about young people today and shares her advice for them.
My most important life lessons? Well, my marriage life, I was married about thirty years, it was a good marriage. And I was a schoolteacher; I enjoyed that for thirty years. And my parents were good, we weren’t rich, but I had good parents and that’s more important than having a lot of money. We would sit down to the table and eat. And we went to church; church has become important to me in my older years.
I was born in the South, and I had to sit in the back of the bus, but over the years I’ve become proud of my heritage. I think we’re special.
When I lost my husband, my children became the most important thing in my life. My kids were important, two went to college. One’s a teacher and one’s a chemist.
I’m not rich or anything, I’ve got a fair income, but the main thing is I thank God that I am living, and I do have aches and pains, but they come with growing old.
A big choice for me was becoming a schoolteacher instead of a lawyer or something. I found that it’s not making as much money, but it’s been more enjoyable. Sometimes in teaching you not only teach, but you’re a friend to those kids. It’s not just teaching, it’s listening to the kids. And most of my time, being a Black teacher, I spent quite a bit of time with the white students and I found out they didn’t care about color. If you were their teacher and on their side, that’s all that matters. And my decision to go to church rather than going to nightclubs was good. I never got into drugs; I found that was a good way of doing it. I’d rather be in church than going to the bar every week and doing this and that.
Being honest is the main thing. When it’s all said and done, you have to do things the right way. There’s no outdoors or backdoors to lying. Somewhere along the line, you have to be honest with yourself. And by being honest with yourself, doors are open. I’m not “religious-religious,” but I do believe that if I do the right thing and so forth, things will open up for me.
About advice for young people: I found out two things by being a teacher: one problem is drugs, and the second problem is they are having babies. They’re out there, they never go to school, they start out on the corner selling drugs, and they don’t know anything about education and so forth. And we’re paying more money to house them in prison than we are if we could get them in and teach them the right and wrong. I cry about it sometimes to see our young people out selling drugs and they think that’s important. But their parents never taught them the right way of doing things.
Now, about getting old. As you grow older, take it day by day. I know we cry about this and that but we know we’ve got to grow old, so we should try and do the best we can. I retired about five or six years earlier than I should of, but I couldn’t help it because health problems set in and I had to. I would say if you can, try to prepare for retirement. But take a day at a time and things will work out.
Sharon, 79, shared her lessons for living in a letter with advice for every stage of life.
The topic you asked us to write about intrigued me. Thinking about it, it almost seems appropriate to have life lessons related to life stages:
Childhood
- Believe in yourself and try to be around people who believe in you.
- It is in fact hard for children to actually do this as they are limited in terms of the power and control they have over their environment. This is one of the major advantages of growing up.
- Express yourself and explore.
- Find a friend or soul mate to do it with you.
Young Adulthood
- Work at finding something you are passionate about and pursue it.
- Always aim to do more than is asked of you.
- If you feel isolated and lacking in support, do something about it and don’t believe others if they say that they never feel that way too.
- Find a life partner based on intimacy. A good test is: “Is that someone you would want to play with in the playground if you both were 6 years old?”
- Chose someone for the joy or their voice or how they move; not to look after you financially or for status. Be prepared to find those things for yourself if you need them.
Adulthood
- Never take your partner for granted. Treat them as you would your best friend. Good manners towards each other are an important part of home life. (I wish I knew this from my family of origin. It is one I am still struggling with.)
- Hopefully you will have found your life partner first time around, but if not recognize the mistake and leave the relationship. It serves no purpose to ruin two people’s lives and it is important to model a positive relationship for your children
- Children feel safest when they are with adults they can trust.
- Be a trustworthy adult by being authentic and recognizing your own needs, and seeing that these needs are met. Modeling being a martyr does no favors to your children. Give them permission to do the same.
- Enjoy your parents while they are still around both mentally and physically.
Now – Whenever That is
- Balance your life so that you have time to enjoy the roses.
- Do not take your health and well being for granted. Keep up the exercise and you can no longer indulge in some of the excesses that you could get away with when you were younger.
- If your parents have become dependent on you, you have children again but this time you have to respect them as adults.
- If you have not yet had a serious illness, be grateful.
- Live each day as if you have had a serious look at your own mortality – so that there will be no regrets.
- Enjoy the comfort and intimacy of old and newfound friends.
- Give something back to the community.
- Be a tribal elder.
- Enjoy a good bottle of red.
Lenore, 89, sent her lessons learned in a remarkable letter. She reflects on what makes for a good life, as well as a good old age. Some
secrets: Keep learning, keep active, keep laughing.
I am 89 years young at heart. I am living in assisted living. I have six children, four are mine and two are my husband’s children. My two husbands are deceased. I have 11 grandchildren and 23 great-grandchildren, so far. Your letter reached me recently and I would like to participate in your project.
The following are some of the most important lessons I have learned over my long life.
Keep learning every day that passes. Education is important and you are never too old to learn something new- i.e. computers and the latest technology or a new way to cook something or how to make a quilt. Take classes that are offered by your local library.
Satisfy your curiosity. Read the newspaper each day as well as listen to the television. Make up your own mind on current events. Keep a dictionary by your side to look up new words.
Keep active both mentally and physically every day. Life has so much to offer. Take a walk if you can. Even if you are wheelchair bound do some movement of your arms and legs. Read magazines or books and share your thoughts with others.
Keep your sense of humor. Life is so much fun and a laugh lightens whatever is wrong.
Be responsible for your acts. Don’t lie. It is easier to tell the truth and the truth always comes out the same without thinking about it. Finally, have a strong faith in God no matter what life deals you.
Sincerely yours,
Lenore
P.S. Someone typed this for me because I type only with my left hand index finger.
We love our Legacy Project elders’ “Lists for Living!” Here’s a great list of life lessons from Frederick, 68.
1. Try as much as possible to avoid thinking about yourself. It’s not easy to express, except that you should put yourself out of the picture as much as possible in any situation and try to think objectively, almost as if you are a camera (with emotions and feelings) recording what goes on around you and responding to it. I think one will enjoy life to a much greater extent than if thoughts about yourself govern how you react to a problem or situation. This is not an easy task but I think will lead to more happiness.
2. Hard work and perseverance pay off. Don’t give up. If you can’t be convinced reasonably that you are wrong, stick to your beliefs. Also, in school and in your vocation and your family, patience and perseverance are critical. I found at a relatively early age that if you take your time and spend time, lots of it, you will have a much better chance of success. Where someone might think that 5 hours of work is enough for an endeavor, double or even triple that and you will do better.
3. Think carefully and be meticulous. Don’t trust others in business matters, and get as much good advice before you proceed in business.
4. Enjoy and love people, whatever their background, politics, nationality, race, religion, etc. People are wonderful and are to be enjoyed.
5. Enjoy animals – cats, dogs, birds, etc. I live in an area with a lot of wildlife and love to be with them. I have 5 cats, and they are fantastic companions. Animals are like children and are to be protected, enjoyed and loved.
6. Take care of yourself physically. Exercise throughout your life. I am partial to aerobic exercise, especially running. It’s hard work, but pays enormously in the way of making you more mellow and lowers your blood pressure. Eat lots of fruits and vegetables, but don’t necessarily try to avoid foods, even if fatty or rich. Just don’t overeat. Avoid alcohol. I abstain totally and find I have no need for it. Avoid tobacco. When I was 6 years old, my older brothers thrust a cigarette in my mouth. I never smoked a cigarette again.
7. Be open-minded as much as you can. Everyone has some point of view which you may initially reject, but always give it consideration. If you’re a “conservative”, always listen to the other viewpoint, and vice versa. You should always try to obtain the truth. Even with those who do what others consider outrageous acts, listen to them, in order to pursue the truth.
8. In personal matters, i.e. your spouse or children, where there are disagreements, I have found that it is good to give way to the point of view of the person who most strongly holds a belief. There are many disagreements which cannot be resolved objectively, so listening to the person who most strongly holds a belief has made my relationships very durable.
9. Act quickly if you think you have come into a good situation. If you are looking for a home and you find a good one and a great price, snap it up. These clear-cut situations do not come too often, but when they do, recognize it and act.
The elders had a strong opinion about worrying. Keep in mind that – unlike many younger people – many of them have 
gone through the kinds bad experiences everyone worries about. And what they tell you is this: Yes, bad things may happen, but you will find the resources in yourself to handle them. Why poison the present moment with continual, pointless worry?
When you find yourself worrying too much, take a look at these lessons from the elders:
Manuel, 72: You have to be flexible; don’t get locked into one frame of mind over anything. And probably the most important thing is, ninety-five percent of all the things I worried about never happened.
Frank, 88: Don’t give into every ache and pain and be thankful for every day that you have on this earth, and enjoy your family. You can’t change anything by thinking about it. Whatever is going to be is going to be, and your worrying and concerning yourself is not going to change it one little bit.
Florence, 76: One thing I think is that sometimes you’re disappointed when something doesn’t work out, but I’ve always believed that everything happens for the best. You’re disappointed over something and then a few months may pass and you say: Gee, I’m glad this other thing didn’t happen because this is better.
Olivia, 95: We generally worry about the wrong things. The calamities we lose sleep about usually don’t materialize.
Many of the elders in the Legacy Project had one piece of advice about getting along with one’s adult children: Don’t interfere in their lives, and wait for them to come to you for advice. But what when they do ask your opinion, what are some good ways to communicate?
I have been conducting research on this issue, as part of a project to understand family estrangement and reconciliation. My new book, Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them provides additional guidance for overcoming problems with adult children.
Tom, 82, has warm and supportive relationships with his three middle-aged sons. He recognizes that sometimes one is called upon to give advice to adult children; indeed, they ask for it. A problem, of course, is that parents are naturally invested in their children, and it is difficult for them to step outside of their own needs to objectively evaluate the choices their child must make.
Tom’s advice: Take the “I” out of the conversation:
Yeah, the big advice is always be open minded. Forget the business of ‘I’ centered and put the focus on ‘you’ centered. The son that you’re talking to and who has issues that he wants to discuss and forget the ‘I’, or at least put the I in the background so that at least he understands that he’s getting the benefit of your wisdom. You, who can govern how much ‘I’ to project, can inject information or guidance when it’s appropriate, not to dominate the conversation but to augment what the son wants to say. I think it’s a delicate balance of diplomacy among family members. I’ve not always done well.
Grace, 75, found that her enjoyment of her children increased as they grew older and became adults; it was the “pay-off” for more difficult earlier years.
I think by the time my kids were a little bit older and they were able to accept their parents for who they were, as I was with my mother, then it was great. I have enjoyed my children as adults so much, so, so much, and it’s something no one ever said to me. They always would say when the kids were young, “Oh, these are the wonderful years, these are the best years.” They were lovely years, but there is something just as lovely or more lovely when they are adults and you could talk to them as another human being. To know your children as adults is great.
She shares her thoughts with her kids, but accepts that her advice may be turned aside.
Well, there again, I think – don’t be too critical. In fact, don’t be critical at all. Accept them, accept what they’re doing. But I for example just wrote my daughter giving her some financial advice, and said, “I’m giving this to you with love not with criticism,” because she just does such stupid things financially. So – and she will read it, and maybe she’ll do it and maybe she won’t, but I’m perfectly willing to accept it that way.
Although we don’t own a dog ourselves, we are very excited to have a new granddog, Otto (pictured below). This new arrival in the family reminded me of a number of elders who had learned very important lessons for living from the experience of owning a pet. Francine’s interview especially came to mind.
Francine, 74, lives in a small, tidy home in an urban neighborhood. She was married for many years, but lost her husband to Alzheimer’s disease after years of caregiving.
One of her dreams was to have a dog, but circumstances never permitted it. Recently, she fulfilled that dream, and it changed her life. I met the dog in question, whom she refers to as her “little buddy.” A bit of a misnomer, as her “little buddy” was a large and very energetic fellow. She told me that loving a pet is a a special enhancement to living (and a motivation for staying healthy):
I got my dog when he was about four months old, so we’ve been together now two years. People asked whether at this stage of my life, I really wanted a dog, and I said, “Oh yes, I’ve been waiting all my life.”
He loves me so much, I have to put him out every day for a certain time, just to have time for myself. If he’s here he’s right next to me like Velcro.
I couldn’t have a dog before because of my husband and work, and I did wait a year after Marty died before I got one. So now we live together, just the two of us.
I’ve learned that everything in life is on loan. And all these years I’ve been waiting to have my buddy, my dog. But I have seen people would lose their pets and be so upset. And I would say to them, “I know, it would be awful. But you see, the day you take that pet into your care and you’re responsible for it, you have to start letting go.”
When I asked her later in the interview about her attitude toward the end of life, she said:
I would say that I’m not worried about it, I’m peaceful about it. But now, I have wanted my little buddy who’s waiting out there so long, and I’ve accepted that we will have ten, possibly longer years in his life and he’s my big joy. So now I want to stay fit so that I live as long as he does!