Author Archives: Admin

Frederick’s List for Living

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We love our Legacy Project elders’ “Lists for Living!” Here’s a great list of life lessons from Frederick, 68.

1. Try as much as possible to avoid thinking about yourself. It’s not easy to express, except that you should put yourself out of the picture as much as possible in any situation and try to think objectively, almost as if you are a camera (with emotions and feelings) recording what goes on around you and responding to it. I think one will enjoy life to a much greater extent than if thoughts about yourself govern how you react to a problem or situation. This is not an easy task but I think will lead to more happiness.

2. Hard work and perseverance pay off. Don’t give up. If you can’t be convinced reasonably that you are wrong, stick to your beliefs. Also, in school and in your vocation and your family, patience and perseverance are critical. I found at a relatively early age that if you take your time and spend time, lots of it, you will have a much better chance of success. Where someone might think that 5 hours of work is enough for an endeavor, double or even triple that and you will do better.

3. Think carefully and be meticulous. Don’t trust others in business matters, and get as much good advice before you proceed in business.

4. Enjoy and love people, whatever their background, politics, nationality, race, religion, etc. People are wonderful and are to be enjoyed.

5. Enjoy animals – cats, dogs, birds, etc. I live in an area with a lot of wildlife and love to be with them. I have 5 cats, and they are fantastic companions. Animals are like children and are to be protected, enjoyed and loved.

6. Take care of yourself physically. Exercise throughout your life. I am partial to aerobic exercise, especially running. It’s hard work, but pays enormously in the way of making you more mellow and lowers your blood pressure. Eat lots of fruits and vegetables, but don’t necessarily try to avoid foods, even if fatty or rich. Just don’t overeat. Avoid alcohol. I abstain totally and find I have no need for it. Avoid tobacco. When I was 6 years old, my older brothers thrust a cigarette in my mouth. I never smoked a cigarette again.

7. Be open-minded as much as you can. Everyone has some point of view which you may initially reject, but always give it consideration. If you’re a “conservative”, always listen to the other viewpoint, and vice versa. You should always try to obtain the truth. Even with those who do what others consider outrageous acts, listen to them, in order to pursue the truth.

8. In personal matters, i.e. your spouse or children, where there are disagreements, I have found that it is good to give way to the point of view of the person who most strongly holds a belief. There are many disagreements which cannot be resolved objectively, so listening to the person who most strongly holds a belief has made my relationships very durable.

9. Act quickly if you think you have come into a good situation. If you are looking for a home and you find a good one and a great price, snap it up. These clear-cut situations do not come too often, but when they do, recognize it and act.

Listen to Your Children

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Despite her cheeful good humor, Ida’s memories of her early family life are painful, and for good reason. Her father died  when she was a toddler. Her mother remarried, but then died when Ida was four years old. Her stepfather then remarried, leaving Ida to be raised by him and a new stepmother. She told me: “I didn’t care for my childhood life, so I just don’t talk about it. And I try to teach my children lessons that I have learned.”

Ida, 81, emphasizes spending time with children, because it allows for communication to take place. Most important, she urges parents to listen to their children. Bringing back family dinners is one way to make this happen.

When we had our three children, we got involved with them. You’ve got to do things together, and in this day and age, people aren’t doing things together. I feel that children bring their parents together, except for the ones who haven’t got time. You’ve got to give up some of your pleasures, sometimes, in order to spend time with your kids. When the kids are gone from home, then you can do things on your own.

Yeah, what I feel, I have seen it right around here in my neighborhood. Parents aren’t taking time to listen to that child. You have to listen to them. What are their needs? What would they want? What would they like to do?  Some parents are always so quick to discipline, give them a time out.  No. What you have to do, I feel – is you have to have time for the child. Mom and Dad should sit down and say, “Okay, how did your day go?”

In fact, our dinner table was always that way.  “Well, how did your day go?” we’d ask each one separately. Then we would find out exactly how they went through the day, if they were having problems. We had three children and we were living on $30 a week. The kids ate good and we would have cereal for supper at night after they went to bed. But those were the days; Frank and I used to laugh about them. I try to tell my kids:  “That was hard times, but we made sure you kids always had a good meal in your tummy before you went to bed.”

We used to have dinner as a family, almost every night. I think it’s very important. You should have it now. Yes, I know people are busy now, so you go to McDonalds, Burger King. All those fast food. All right. But you know something? If that’s what you choose for your dinner, okay, but you sit down, you talk to the child.  Did you have anything interesting happen today? What were your stressing points today?” Get feedback from the kids.

A “Magic Bullet” for Fathering? Here’s a Tip from the Elders

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Amid the gifts and Father’s Day festivities, an undercurrent of confusion can be detected. As a dad for over 30 years, I know that figuring out what constitutes “good fathering” can be something of a challenge. We live in a society of rapidly shifting roles and responsibilities, and many fathers (and mothers, of course) are looking for what makes parenting really “work.”

So what if, out of the enormous muddle of child-rearing advice, there was something close to a “magic bullet?” What if there was one course of action you could take to create life-long, loving relationships with your children, serve as an “early warning system” for problems your kids are having, and lead to positive relationships throughout life?

In our interviews with over 1,200 of the oldest Americans for the book on the Legacy Project, we asked them in detail for their advice about parenting. I think they qualify as experts, given that they have raised a total of nearly 4,000 children. In our hectic and driven society, parents look endlessly for programs, gimmicks and therapies to improve their relationships with children. But what do the elders say?

According to them, there is one key to successful parenting: Spend more time with your children. And if necessary, sacrifice to do it. The elders tell us that there is one great contribution to lifelong closeness for which there is no substitute: Your time.

In their opinion, your kids don’t want your money (or what your money buys) anywhere near as much as they want you. Specifically, they want you, with them. Parents who work double-shifts to keep the family afloat may have no choice. But if you and your spouse work 70-hour weeks to buy consumer goods and take lavish vacations, they say you are misusing your time. Even if it means doing with less, America’s elders tell you that what you will regret at their age is not spending time with your children. And it’s what your children will regret, too.

They also told me that the activity you and your kid engage in is not particularly important: It’s the shared time. In off moments during whatever the activity may be, there’s time to talk, to share confidences, to connect. And in those activities, the miracle of real communication sometimes occurs.

I remember an essay by former treasury secretary Robert Reich about his sons. He used the analogy of a clam to emphasize that to really know our children we need to be there at exactly the right moment. Our kids are often closed up tightly like clamshells, hard on the outside but with a soft and vulnerable interior. Suddenly and unexpectedly, however, they will decide to open up, and if you’re not there, Reich says, “you might as well be on the moon.”

This is why time spent together is so critically important. No scheduling of “quality time” (whatever that is) has you there at the precise moment when Matthew decides to tell you that what is really putting him in such a bad mood is the English teacher who just hates him, or when Allison will reveal that yes, there is this one boy in her Spanish class…

Clayton Greenough, 79, has very close relationships with his son and daughter, both of whom settled nearby as adults. When asked for his lessons for child-rearing, he reflected on the importance of going along with children’s interests, making them shared activities.

Maybe it’s maybe an old fashioned way of speaking, but I feel that it’s pretty important to stick with them. I know when my son was about 12 or so, he was fascinated by anything with an engine on it, even with lawn mowing. Generally I tried to go along with him. With lawn mowing, for instance, I finally said “okay, you can push it” but I stayed with him and worked with him for a while.When he was a sophomore in high school, I started putting up a shed in our back yard. And he had just gotten into a carpenter shop at high school at the time. I had him help me there, and before I knew it, I’d come home from work and he was sitting out there with a tool box waiting to go ahead with some work. And ultimately this led him down a road where he actually saw the need for measuring and things like that, and started to recognize that there is some value to arithmetic and mathematics.

And he eventually wound up being a mechanical designer. Now if I hadn’t been available to him at that time, I’m not sure what course he might have taken. So many of things that he’s doing now were initiated because we spent time together. I think the fact that there was somebody who was there and interested in what he was interested in.

Interestingly, the elders often highlighted time shared in mundane daily activities and interactions, rather than memorable “special occasions.” Their message is to involve your children routinely in your activities, and this requires your physical presence for large blocks of time.

Larry Handley, 84, described how important such experiences were for his children:

When they get old enough to kind of help you around, you know, let them help doing things or cleaning. Maybe you’re out digging in the garden or something, or whatever, to share in the chores around the house or the yard. Helping either the mother or the father, doing things that are not always that easy or pleasant, but you know, to get it done. So, these are things that you don’t realize but they do come along for their whole life, they can enjoy those things and you can too.

Time spent with children is critical for another reason: It serves as a key “early warning” system for emerging problems. Betsey Glynn, 78, has two children, a son and a daughter. She was able to head off problems in their lives because she was right there with them:

It’s so important, while your kids are growing up, to be with them and support them. Because otherwise you don’t really have a clue what their direction is, what they like and don’t like and what they want to give their time to and what they’re doing with it. This way we not only went to their games or concerts, but we met the other kids on the team or in the band or whatever it was. Otherwise they would have gone off and who knows who they would have associated with?Let me tell you, if your kids have a concert or a game, you should put aside whatever it is — if the house needs fixing up or the laundry needs doing, it’ll wait. It’s more important to devote your time to whatever they’re interested in. Otherwise you’re going to lose them. They’ll become strangers.

So to those of us getting ready to be acknowledged on Father’s Day, America’s elders bring home three key points. First, it’s your time that kids want and they will look back on the hours together with fondness and nostalgia. The elders remember this from their own families — indeed, it is the source of most of their pleasant memories about childhood. Second, what counts the most are shared activities — time spent in hobbies, sports, camping, hunting, and fishing (it’s extraordinary how many older men cherish hunting or fishing trips with their fathers), and in seeking out a new interest together. Third, the elders agree that we should be willing to sacrifice to have that kind of time. If you are going to have kids, they say, it’s worth it to live on less to be able to be with them.

Worry Wastes Your Life

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The elders had a strong opinion about worrying. Keep in mind that – unlike many younger people – many of them have gone through the kinds bad experiences everyone worries about. And what they tell you is this: Yes, bad things may happen, but you will find the resources in yourself to handle them. Why poison the present moment with continual, pointless worry?

When you find yourself worrying too much, take a look at these lessons from the elders:

Manuel, 72: You have to be flexible; don’t get locked into one frame of mind over anything. And probably the most important thing is, ninety-five percent of all the things I worried about never happened.

Frank, 88: Don’t give into every ache and pain and be thankful for every day that you have on this earth, and enjoy your family. You can’t change anything by thinking about it. Whatever is going to be is going to be, and your worrying and concerning yourself is not going to change it one little bit.

Florence, 76: One thing I think is that sometimes you’re disappointed when something doesn’t work out, but I’ve always believed that everything happens for the best. You’re disappointed over something and then a few months may pass and you say: Gee, I’m glad this other thing didn’t happen because this is better.

Olivia, 95: We generally worry about the wrong things.  The calamities we lose sleep about usually don’t materialize.

Finding God and Serving the Common Good

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Candles spiritualityI’ve talked in previous posts about the fact that some kind of spiritual belief was important to most (but by no means all) of the Legacy Project elders. For many people age 70 and over, faith has shaped their core principles for living. In some cases, their spiritual beliefs led them to compassionate living – a desire to move beyond themselves and serve others. I’d like to share with you one spiritual elder’s thinking on this topic.

I sat in the cool, quiet Motherhouse of an order of Catholic nuns, talking to Sister Monica. Despite recent health problems, Sister Monica is a slender, vigorous, highly focused 80-year old, who speaks with the thoughtfulness and precision of a former language teacher. In her order, sisters commit their lives both to God and to serving the sick, the poor, and the disenfranchised. These nuns take the Gospel message seriously, working to help people overcome obstacles that keep them from living full and dignified lives.

Sister Monica shares a house with two other nuns in an impoverished inner-city neighborhood, allowing them better to identify with and share the lives of the poor. Her decades as a nun have seen seismic changes in the Catholic church (including dropping the nun’s formal habit for street clothes). But in my interview with her in the peaceful atmosphere of the Motherhouse, the core of her faith has clearly not changed:

I have just celebrated my 60th year as a sister. And I really feel very blessed and I’ve had a wonderful life and many wonderful opportunities. I have always felt very close to God. And my Catholic education just reinforced that with the example of the other sisters in my order.

I have a sense of God as a loving presence that walks with us. Not just me as an individual, it’s God hearing the cries of oppressed people, as the Exodus story says. God is there. And so paying attention to that and how do you find God in the beauty of creation, and in the beauty of the people around you, is very important.

The religious life that I’ve chosen is a mutual struggle to discern where God is calling us. You know, it’s hard enough to see what God is asking us to do right now, but especially where he wants us to go in the future. But it’s a very powerful kind of thing to come together as a group and make decisions that are mutually beneficial for the common good.

That’s a big thing for me, the common good. And we can live out a search for the common good in our life as Catholic nuns. Our vow of chastity is again a statement that stands in the face of using sex to sell everything, you know. Our life is a seeking of God, true love of a neighbor, and the commitment to dedicate one’s self to service, service to those affected by poverty, sickness, or death. I have no regrets that I have chosen this life.

Child-Rearing: More than Just Making Them Happy

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We make child-rearing unbelievably complex. We read books, attend classes, go to counselors, make ourselves sick with worry. The elders I interviewed in the Legacy Project raised about 3,000 children, have watched their own offspring rear grandchildren, and were themselves raised by parents — and have had a good, long time to think about their own upbringing.

One thing they believe is that child-rearing is more than just making children happy. That’s important, but they also want children to be strong, purposeful, and moral.

Shirley, 90, is an award-winning teacher and mother of two. She told me:

We need to help the child to prepare for living. We need to show the child how to become a good citizen. To be honest, to be loyal, to stand up for what is right, and never to give in with social trends. Because each person is different but we all are together and we’re all a part of one another. A poet said, ‘No man is an island by themselves, everyone is a part of the whole.’ So in keeping with that situation, it’s necessary that every child learn to get along with others. To learn that they have a responsibility to use their God-given potential to the best of their ability. And we should guide them and direct them and really make them the kind of Americans that we need. And that’s just about it really.

Act Now to Stay Healthy

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It’s that time when we all begin to slack off on our New Year’s resolutions. The elders urge you to stick to one of them: looking after your health when you are younger. What you do in middle age really pays off in your later years! Here’s a clear statement from one of our Legacy Project elders.

Terry Chang, 77, made looking out for your health when you’re young his top lesson for living:

Well I know this: age is okay. But you need to have your health.  If you have to be pushed around in a wheelchair with an oxygen tank, if there’s anything in life that you know right now that can prevent that, do it.

Because as you get older, that’s when you really have an opportunity to sit back and enjoy life a lot more if you’re not in terrible health because you’re obese or something you can’t help or something like that. Whatever you can do to maintain your health, and like I say stay away from cigarettes or whatever, because it will definitely make a difference later on in life. Put enough money away every year to go have an annual physical.

With Children, It’s All About Time

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Many of the elders believe that when it comes to child-rearing, there’s one thing your kids want more than anything else: your time. Paul, 80, when asked about the key to successful child-rearing fully endorsed the idea that time spent together is the most important thing. Ultimately, the lesson came from his daughter:

Pay attention to your kids and read to them and be with them and help them grow up and I don’t think you do that from afar. I always read to my daughter when she was growing up and my parents always read to me. It’s a marvelous way to interact with them because they really appreciate it and they’ll tell you years later. That’s one of the things you do.

 Tragically, Paul’s daughter became ill with cancer in her fifties, and after a long battle, died. She let him know how important the time spent together was:

 The other thing I remember, when my daughter was so ill, she said, “You know, the one thing I always appreciated from you and mom was that you attended my events, my high school games, my band performances, all those kinds of things.” You don’t get that when they’re in their teens. When they get to be about 30, they say that was good, that was good for me to have you there. She was in the marching band and we always went to those things. Well I’ll say this, following a marching band and a football team around – I think that’s what you do with your kids, you have to be with them. They’re a project you have to do. Hopefully you teach them some of the principles you believe in.

Lesson for Parenting Adult Children: Be Careful about Giving Advice

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One thing we often forget is that parents and children spend the majority of their livesadult children together after the kids become adults! The elders in the Legacy Project had very useful advice for negotiating relationships between parents and their adult children. Two elders share their lessons for negotiating this very important, but sometimes touchy, relationship.

Marv, 83, successfully raised two children. He points out that all the stress of child-rearing doesn’t end when they become adults:

I think to a certain extent your offspring are always children. One always wants one’s children to be happy, and I suppose it’s the most disturbing thing for parents is when they can’t see happiness in their adult children’s lives or their children’s relationships or  in their marriages.You worry about aspects of their interactions with their partners and when you can see that the way they’re interacting is not productive. You worry about your children. When they’re adults, you worry about as much when they’re adults as when they were not adults.

Of course, one outgrowth of this worry is the desire to give advice. Charles recommends that it it possible to advise children, but that the approach must be subtle.

I think giving advice requires great subtlety. Well, your adult children sometimes ask you for advice, and sometimes it becomes clear that they are not looking for advice, they’re simply looking for understanding of their points of view. So I think it’s easy for children to misinterpret your real feelings about them, and feel more pressure than one thinks they should be feeling. It’s up to the parent to be subtle enough that you are able to refrain from expressing your attitudes, so that the child feels intruded upon, or that you are judging.

Renata, 79, focused on accepting adult children as they are:

With our kids now, there’s good feeling, good relationship. You keep your mouth shut. We made out mistakes, we let them make their mistakes. But I don’t give advice unless they really ask for it. . I feel I can say most anything I want, except I would not interfere with them, even though I see something that I think should be done differently, I wouldn’t express it.

I think some parents expect too much of their kids. I think you have to accept what your kids are willing to do for you and not complain because they don’t do more for you. I think you just have to sort of give them freedom to live their lives knowing that they’re there if you need them and they know you’re there if they need you. So I think you have to stand back.

Any advice for getting along with your adult children? What’s worked for you?

The Secrets of Communicating with Adult Children

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communicating with adult childrenMany of the elders in the Legacy Project had one piece of advice about getting along with one’s adult children: Don’t interfere in their lives, and wait for them to come to you for advice. But what when they do ask your opinion, what are some good ways to communicate?

I have been conducting research on this issue, as part of a project to understand family estrangement and reconciliation. My new book, Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them provides additional guidance for overcoming problems with adult children.

Tom, 82, has warm and supportive relationships with his three middle-aged sons. He recognizes that sometimes one is called upon to give advice to adult children; indeed, they ask for it. A problem, of course, is that parents are naturally invested in their children, and it is difficult for them to step outside of their own needs to objectively evaluate the choices their child must make.

Tom’s advice: Take the “I” out of the conversation:

Yeah, the big advice is always be open minded. Forget the business of ‘I’ centered and put the focus on ‘you’ centered. The son that you’re talking to and who has issues that he wants to discuss and forget the ‘I’, or at least put the I in the background so that at least he understands that he’s getting the benefit of your wisdom. You, who can govern how much ‘I’ to project, can inject information or guidance when it’s appropriate, not to dominate the conversation but to augment what the son wants to say. I think it’s a delicate balance of diplomacy among family members. I’ve not always done well.

Grace, 75, found that her enjoyment of her children increased as they grew older and became adults; it was the “pay-off” for more difficult earlier years.

I think by the time my kids were a little bit older and they were able to accept their parents for who they were, as I was with my mother, then it was great. I have enjoyed my children as adults so much, so, so much, and it’s something no one ever said to me. They always would say when the kids were young, “Oh, these are the wonderful years, these are the best years.” They were lovely years, but there is something just as lovely or more lovely when they are adults and you could talk to them as another human being. To know your children as adults is great.

She shares her thoughts with her kids, but accepts that her advice may be turned aside.

Well, there again, I think – don’t be too critical. In fact, don’t be critical at all. Accept them, accept what they’re doing. But I for example just wrote my daughter giving her some financial advice, and said, “I’m giving this to you with love not with criticism,” because she just does such stupid things financially. So – and she will read it, and maybe she’ll do it and maybe she won’t, but I’m perfectly willing to accept it that way.