We All Want to Stay Positive: But How Should We Do It?

What makes us happy? There’s so much interest in this topic that a veritable mountain of positive-attidtuebooks has been published over the past few years on the “how to be happy” theme. Despite all the advice, people often struggle to maintain a positive attitude in the face of the challenges, losses, and stress life throws at us.

In our surveys of older people (mostly age 70 and beyond), we asked them to share their thoughts on the question: “As you look back over your life, what are the most important lessons you have learned that you would like to pass on to younger people?” And as described in my recent book, many of the elders offered this piece of advice: Strive intentionally to maintain a positive attitude every day.

Sifting through hundreds of pages of responses, one quote leaped out that summed up the view of the elders:

“In my 89 years, I’ve learned that happiness is a choice, not a condition.”

Most of our respondents reported the same lesson. But is this just an empty cliche? Given these source of this advice, it’s much more than that.

Keep in mind that everyone who reaches old age has lived through loss, illness, and disappointment. Nevertheless, the overwhelming opinion of America’s elders is that people need to make a daily, conscious decision to maintain a positive attitude. Based on their life experience, they exhort us to take charge and to assume control – not over what happens to us, which is often impossible – but over our own attitude toward happiness.

So they don’t just offer this as a general platitude. The elders had some specific tips they wanted to share. Here are some of them.

Eliminate unnecessary worrying. Over and over as they reflected on their lives, I heard versions of “I wish I’d spent less time worrying” and “I regret that I worried so much about everything.” Indeed, from the vantage point of late life, many people felt that if given a “do-over” in life, they would like to have all the time back they spent poisoning the present moment with fruitless rumination about the future. As John, 83, put it: “Don’t believe that worrying will solve or help anything. It won’t. So stop it.” Doesn’t get much clearer than that.

Focus on the short term rather than the long term. To stay positive, the elders suggest you focus on the short term; many endorsed the idea of dealing with immediate problems rather than spinning endless “what-ifs” in your head. When a centenarian gives advice, I tend to listen, and here’s what Eleanor, 102, told me: “Well I think that if you worry, and you worry a lot, you have to stop and think to yourself, “This too will pass.” So the most important thing is one day at a time. You can plan ahead but it doesn’t always work out.”

Acceptance. The elders told me that acceptance isn’t purely passive; rather, it’s something we can actively foster. They recommend actively working toward acceptance of problems and limitations as a key to a positive attitude. Sister Clare, 98, is a very wise nun. She shared a technique for reducing worry through pursuing acceptance – saying to herself “let it be.” She told me: “So many things come to your mind, for instance somebody might hurt your feelings, you’re going to get back at him or her, well – just let it be. Push it away. Some people get on your nerves and they will be there until you die. Let it be. Often, before I say anything, I think ‘If I did that, then what?’ And let it be.”

Savoring. When people seek happiness, they often think about “big-ticket” items: buying a house, finding a partner, having a child, getting a new job, making more money. The elders tell us that a positive attitude depends on thinking small: the morning cup of coffee, a warm bed on a winter night, a brightly colored bird feeding on the lawn, an unexpected letter from a friend, even a favorite song on the radio (all pleasures mentioned in my interviews). Ursula suffered immense hardship as a child in Hitler’s Germany. Her advice: “I think the most important thing I learned was not to take things for granted. You cannot be entirely prepared for what will happen to you in life, but I learned that despite everything that happened, life is worth living and you can enjoy every day especially because of the little things in life. You can have joy, even if the big things go wrong.”

Finally, many of the elders believe that young people can benefit from this advice. Some respondents told me that they wish they had learned to make a positive attitude a conscious choice, to practice acceptance, and to savor the small stuff earlier in life. As Malcolm, 70, told me: “It seems to take a lifetime to learn how to live in the moment, but it shouldn’t. I wish I could have learned this in my 30s rather than in my sixties. It would have given me decades more to enjoy life in this world.”

18 thoughts on “We All Want to Stay Positive: But How Should We Do It?

  1. Thank you many times over for your Cornell Legacy Project
    which I learned of in NYTIMES Jane E Brody article
    10 Jan 2012 page D7.

    I will discuss the article today 11 Jan 2012 with members of our
    CURRENT EVENTS group at the MESA SENIOR CENTER
    aka MESA ACTIVE ADULT CENTER

    I plan to purchase several copies of ” 30 Lessons for Living ”

    Thank you for gathering & sharing wisdom of the ages.

  2. Harold,
    Thanks you so much for your positive words. It means a lot to me to hear that seniors are enjoying this. Please give my regards to the members of your group. Many interviewees for my project came from senior centers – in fact, you will see that in the acknowledgements I actually write: “Support your local senior center!”
    Best,
    Karl

  3. Many thanks, Tom. I loved doing the project and it is so gratifying to hear the people find the information useful
    Karl

  4. This gave me a wake up call and I can’t wait to purchase the book. Despite the regrets I have; single, no children, no money for the Phd, and on and on; I believe this book will be just the motivation I need.

    Thanks alot!

  5. I’d add this to the “parenting” section. Take your children out one at a time, and not always in groups. They’re not part of a herd (I had seven) and can be starving for
    personal time with parents.

  6. CAN’T WAIT TO SEE THE BOOK

    LEARN FROM THE MISTAKES OF OTHERS. WE DO NOT LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO MAKE ALL THE MISTAKES OURSELVES.. (paraphrasing an MD)

    CHAT RREGULARLY WITH YOU PARENTS AND YOUR GRANDPARENTS, AND APPRECIATE YOUR TIME TOGETHER. GET TO KNOW THEM… REALLY

    AND HAVE CONVERSATIONS WITH YOUR SIBLINGS BEFORE THEY GO AWAY TO SCHOOL OR GET MARRIED.

    EVERY DAY ENJOY THOSE WHOM YOU INTERACT WITH.

    AND BE KIND, KIND, KIND… HELP OTHERS WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT REMUNERATON WHATSOEVER.

    THESE ARE THE THOUGHTS I AM SHARING WITH YOU TODAY..
    THANK YOU FOR READING MY THOUGHTS. LOVE TO SHARE INSIGHTS!

    I AM A TEACHER. .LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY.. LOOKED FORWARD TO GREEET MY TEENAGE STUDENTS MONday MORNING!!!

  7. WOW! I also read about this website in Sunday’s Times. I teach psychiatric nursing, and my students are going to use this website, and the book, to design a group for our patients on an inpatient psychiatric unit –and include any of our our older patients’ advice as well. I think I’ll also have them interview their older friends and relatives for the project. WOW!!!! Thank you!!

  8. I would like to second the idea that it can take a lifetime to live in the moment and truly savor its pleasure. For years I focused on the idea that all moments pass and therefore none is worth holding on to. Now in my advanced years I am able to take deep joy in certain moments of my life, to feel the strength of the present.

  9. Fantastic, Kathy! Where do you teach? I am very eager for the book and the website to be used in this way. At the other end of the life course, some youth groups are using the book as a springboard for interviewing elders.

  10. All great advice, Judith! One of the lessons in the book is to ask yourself “Are you glad to get up in the morning?” when we think about work. I love to hear someone say they love to go to work on Mondays – that’s what the elders are hoping for.

  11. Emily, I agree entirely. In the book, I talk about my own experience doing just that with my kids. They are now 25 and 30, and they look back on trips I took with just one of them as highlights of their childhoods. In the chapter on child-rearing, I report on the elders’ lesson that when it comes to kids, “Time is of the essence.” They argue that the best thing we can do is spend more time with them. And the idea of “divide and conquer” with kids, giving them one-on-one time with parents, is perfect.

  12. I teach at Madonna University, in Livonia, MI. Yesterday I oriented my new group of students and told them about their wisdom group. What a response! They were excited that their semester project is not just more busy work. They are doing something that will benefit not only their patients, but also themselves, all their future patients, and the older people they interview. I’ve ordered books to keep on the psych unit. My students and I are designing a curriculum for our acute inpatient psych unit. It’s my belief that when a person comes to a psychiatric unit, they are not just coming to the hospital; they are also coming to a school, and they should leave with a body of knowledge that they did not have when they arrived. That is not happening in our current health care system. So we’re doing it for the St. John system in which we practice. We’re designing a curriculum,, beginning with ten topics. When I found this website and your book, we bumped another topic and put this in there. There are so many possibilities here! We can interview older patients, and use their contributions! What a self-esteem booster! THEY themselves will contribute to the curriculum for future patients! We can involve staff! I told a librarian friend about your website, and she ordered the book for her library. Another friend with a rich history plans to contribute to the website. This is amazing, and the ripple effect will be even more amazing! Thank you so much for doing this!!

  13. I am 74 years of age and up until recently I regretted somewhat that I had not been more successful in my life; I mean, had more financial security and prestige; However, I now realize that in spite of my fears and qualms, my intuition has dragged me screaming and crying into the eternal present. I have enjoyed millions of delightful moments in my past life and in spite of my inhibitions have affected other people favorably and possibly, given them more incentive to live more fully. I pursued the dream of being an artist after studying portrait painting with a great artist named Richard Goetz; also with a little inheritance, I bought rental houses doing quite a bit of the work myself and found it enjoyable.

  14. I feel like such a sap weeping while reading this post but this couldn’t have come at a better time. I’m at a crossroads in my life and I need to decide whether to continue working at a job that used to be fun and fulfilling but has since lost its luster or to just take a leap of faith.
    In any case, I intend to see more of the world this year. Life IS too short.

  15. Hi Raoul,
    I’m glad that these life lessons spoke to you and your situation. It’s true that looking back over their lives, the elders do support taking calculated risks to find a more fulfilling job (taking into consideration practical things like the job market). If you click on the “Meet the Elders” button on our home page, there are videos that I find motivating on this topic. Also, take a look at the post “Your turn: Can you advise one of our readers?” A reader had an issue very much like yours, and a number of people offered advice.
    Let us know how things turn out for you!

  16. In reading of the book and on happiness, I get the feeling that most of your responders imply that happiness results most from what influence we have had on others. Teachers, counselors, etc. I at 83 have always felt the most happy satisfaction when I have done something(anything) to help another. I often wonder whether most depression cases could not be solved with the advice to help others or a cause in some way.

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