We are thrilled to announce the next stage in the Legacy Project!
We have received so much interest in the advice America’s elders have for marriage and committed relationships, that we are
embarking on a new “legacy project” specifically on that topic. We’ve heard from any younger people that they deeply want more advice on issues like choosing a partner, overcoming conflict, dealing with the stress work and child-rearing can have on a marriage, and having a happy marriage for decades. The overwhelming response to my blog posts on the Huffington Post (here and here) also shows how much interest there is in this topic.
We have created a page on which we invite people 60 and over to share their lessons for having a happy and successful marriage. We are not restricting answers to marriage, however – anyone who wants to share advice about long-term committed relationships is more than welcome! (If you aren’t over 60, you can of course join in too, but the project is based on advice from individuals 60 and over).
Here’s the link for the Cornell Marriage Advice Project. Please spread the word! We hope to get advice from a wide and diverse audience of older Americans!
The best advice I can give any married couple is learn how to communicate with each other. In our world of modern technology, this can become a major problem. If you cannot face (literally) your partner with any problem you may have in the marriage or with him/her, try to communicate in the dark, at least enough to open the door of honesty; sometimes it’s easier to talk when you can’t see your spouse’s face. Also, for you women out there, learn how to cook like your mate’s mother, then become better at it. Of course, the toilet seat cover can also be a big issue, so it is best to “train him” early. You have to like someone enough to love him/her, and that is where you begin. My marriage has lasted 55 years, not always easy, in fact when we passed the 10 year mark, I commented to my mother-in-law that I had always thought the first 10 years were the hardest and wondered about the next 10, and her advice to me was “don’t let anyone fool you, it’s the first hundred!” Marriage does not mean just enjoying the freedom to have sex; it is respect, companionship, and equality of each partner in a marriage, and of course love. Years pass quickly and so does the sex, but respect and companionship in the later years are what keeps the marriage together and ultimately gives you the true meaning of love. If you and your partner allow each other to be who you are, you’ve got it made. After all, that is the person you married.
As a veteran of almost 40 years of wedded bliss, the best advice I can give young couples is that they need to stay real. The adage “you’re only human” applies to both of you. From the first you have to realize that if you build impossibly high dreams and expectations of what you will find in marriage, they’re going to come crashing down in flames before long. Although the courtship period can be euphoric and lead you to believe that your life will always be this same way if you marry the object of your affections, keep in mind that these highs can’t possibly last. Right now you’re seeing each other as an oasis in your otherwise chaotic lives, but after you’re married, your perspective will change to where you’re seeing each other as part of the chaos. Like Deanna mentioned above, keep your lines of communication open.