A Teacher’s Advice to Young People

Posted on by

Arlene, 83, was raised in the segrated South, became a teacher, and helped many children throughout her life. Life wasn’t always easy for her, but she feels fulfilled and satisfied by what she accomplished. She worries, however, about young people today and shares her advice for them.

My most important life lessons? Well, my marriage life, I was married about thirty years, it was a good marriage. And I was a schoolteacher; I enjoyed that for thirty years. And my parents were good, we weren’t rich, but I had good parents and that’s more important than having a lot of money. We would sit down to the table and eat. And  we went to church; church has become important to me in my older years.

I was born in the South, and I had to sit in the back of the bus, but over the years I’ve become proud of my heritage. I think we’re special.

When I lost my husband, my children became the most important thing in my life. My kids were important, two went to college. One’s a teacher and one’s a chemist.

I’m not rich or anything, I’ve got a fair income, but the main thing is I thank God that I am living, and I do have aches and pains, but they come with growing old.

A big choice for me was becoming a schoolteacher instead of a lawyer or something. I found that it’s not making as much money, but it’s been more enjoyable. Sometimes in teaching you not only teach, but you’re a friend to those kids. It’s not just teaching, it’s listening to the kids. And most of my time, being a Black teacher, I spent quite a bit of time with the white students and I found out they didn’t care about color. If you were their teacher and on their side, that’s all that matters. And my decision to go to church rather than going to nightclubs was good. I never got into drugs; I found that was a good way of doing it. I’d rather be in church than going to the bar every week and doing this and that.

Being honest is the main thing. When it’s all said and done, you have to do things the right way. There’s no outdoors or backdoors to lying. Somewhere along the line, you have to be honest with yourself. And by being honest with yourself, doors are open. I’m not “religious-religious,” but I do believe that if I do the right thing and so forth, things will open up for me.

About advice for young people: I found out two things by being a teacher: one problem is drugs, and the second problem is they are having babies. They’re out there, they never go to school, they start out on the corner selling drugs, and they don’t know anything about education and so forth. And we’re paying more money to house them in prison than we are if we could get them in and teach them the right and wrong. I cry about it sometimes to see our young people out selling drugs and they think that’s important. But their parents never taught them the right way of doing things.

Now, about getting old. As you grow older, take it day by day. I know we cry about this and that but we know we’ve got to grow old, so we should try and do the best we can. I retired about five or six years earlier than I should of, but I couldn’t help it because health problems set in and I had to. I would say if you can, try to prepare for retirement. But take a day at a time and things will work out.

Sometimes a Few Words Can Change You: “Elder Mantras”

Posted on by

I’ve spent a lot of time over the past six years interviewing the oldest Americans about their lessons for living — advice they would like to pass on to future generations. As described in the book 30 Lessons for Living” the elders have outstanding advice on the “big picture” issues: love and marriage, child-rearing, choosing a career, health and of course, aging well.

One of the biggest surprises for me, however, has been the influence that a few profound thoughts or phrases have had on me. When confronted with a work problem, a stressful event, or just the usual tension that can build up during the day, I find that the voice of one or another of the elders will come to me and help me re-think the situation. I’ve come to call these my “elder mantras.”

Here are a few of these “mantras” that I find particularly helpful, all from wise people in their 80s and beyond. They reflect some of the core elements of elder wisdom.

Swimming in the sea of life

Paul, 85, had a successful and high-powered career as an architect. After both a hectic career and personal life, he has found old age to be a time of both clarity and serenity. When asked: “What have you learned during your life that you would like to pass on to a younger person,” he said: “I’ve learned how to swim. ”

That was a surprise, and when questioned, Paul went on:

I’ve learned how to swim. In life. I’m not a particularly good swimmer in water, but I’m a reasonable swimmer in the flow of living.

This image of learning to swim in the river of life, of going with the flow of living, is a powerful and serene image when called up during a busy day.

Let it be

This mantra comes from Sister Clare Moran, whom I interviewed shortly before her 100th birthday. (I can’t give all the details here, but believe me when I say: If you want to hear about an interesting life, sit down for a while with a 100-year old nun!)

Reflecting on her nearly 80 years in the religious life, Sister Clare pointed to doing away with worry as her lesson for younger people. Early in her career as a nun, she learned a technique for reducing worry through pursuing acceptance:

There was a priest that said mass for us, a youngish priest, very fragile and frail. Beautiful, beautiful man. He said that at a certain time of his life, something happened; he didn’t tell us what it was. I heard that he had been working on a mission and they asked him to come back to the States and it broke his heart. It must have been a very hard thing to do. And he was very angry, he just couldn’t be resigned, just couldn’t. He got back into work here, but he couldn’t get his mind off it. Just couldn’t see why it had happened.

So he went to an elderly priest and he talked to him about it. He said, “What shall I do? I can’t get rid of it.” And the priest said, “Every time it comes to your mind, say this.” And the priest said very slowly, “Just let it be, let it be.” And this young man was saying it just the way the priest said it and he said, “I tried that and at first it didn’t make any difference, but I kept on. After a while, when I pushed it aside, let it be, it went away. Maybe not entirely, but it was the answer.”

Sr. Clare, one of the most serene people I have ever met, has used this technique for well over three-quarters of a century.

So many things come to your mind, now for instance somebody might hurt your feelings, you’re going to get back at him or her, well — just let it be. Push it away. So I started doing that, I found it the most wonderful thing because everybody has uncharitable thoughts, you can’t help it. Some people get on your nerves and that will be there until you die. But when they start and I find myself thinking, “Well now she shouldn’t do that, I should tell her that…” Let it be. Often, before I say anything, I think, “If I did that, then what?” And let it be. Oh, so many times I felt grateful that I did nothing. That lesson has helped me an awful lot.

A feather from an angel’s wing

Flora, 80, is a poet who writes about her love of the landscapes of the Southwest. Her approach to living is to embrace the pleasures each day can hold, and she reinforces that attitude with a daily habit. One phrase stands out as a mantra.

If I were to give any particular word of advice I would say: Go about the business of the day, hum-drum as it might be, but walk on your tip-toes waiting for the “ah-ha!” experiences. That happens when you’re going around the corner doing the normal everyday things. So be prepared for those ah-ha experiences that may happen any time. That way, you’re always open to and watching for something different — watching for a feather from an angel’s wing.

It’s sorry you didn’t do…

One last mantra I carry with me is from Eleanor, who says about regrets: “Mostly it’s sorry you didn’t do than sorry you did!”

You can meet her (on video) as well as other elders sharing their wisdom.

Roberta’s List for Living

Posted on by

I am always impressed when I receive lessons for living from people in their nineties and beyond. There’s so much lifetime there, and so much time to reflect on it. And I also rejoice in the gift these very old people give us, by taking the time to share their advice.

I loved this list of lessons from Roberta, age 95. Each one of these pieces of advice is worth pondering as you go through your day.

A happy marriage can be enjoyed when each considers what is best for both, and each thinks of what’s best for the other.

Have an income from agreeable work allowing saving for the future, for the children’s college education, and the possibility of catastrophic illness, yet allowing for a pleasant home life.

Have children whose futures will blossom as yours becomes less exciting.  Enjoy teaching them and watching them develop.  Enjoy their successes as well as your own.

Appreciate nature.  Love birds, animals, travel, even all kinds of weather.

Develop a kind nature.  Do whatever you can for others, even outside the family.

Take an interest in your town, state and nation politically, how it affects you and others.

Be careful of your health.  Consider the value of your diet, fruit, veggies, vitamins. To the extent that your income allows take part in excercise, sports such as sailing, skiing, tennis, and other sports, gardening, (enjoy what nature does as a result of your efforts)

If possible let art and music be part of your life.

The Best Advice for Parents of Adult Children? Don’t interfere.

Posted on by

I’ve gotten to the stage where I now have my own adult children (24 and 29, to be exact). I listened with rapt attention as the elders told me their advice for getting along well with children – after they are grown .

And just about everyone had one piece of advice: When in doubt, don’t interfere with your adult children. When their gone, the elders say, let them go.

Grace, 74, told me:

How do have good relationships with adult children? Oh, I think give them their own life.  Don’t make demands on them. I think any adult, particularly adults with children right now, they have enough on their plate. Don’t make demands. Don’t ask much of them. Just be there for them when they need you.  Try to laugh with them.  And certainly don’t tell them what to do.  Because I think your guess is as good as theirs.

Charmayne, 80, also believes in the “non-interference” principle: ”Well it’s their life.  It’s not my life.  I lived my life the way I wanted to.  I don’t have a right unless they ask me for advice.  As I say, they all have their own way to do things and if they get in trouble and they want some help, they’ll come to me.  That’s all.” She acknowledges, however, that “holding your tongue” can be very difficult:

So one of my daughters, she’s not going to get married.  She said she’s too set in her ways, she likes her life the way it is.  She likes to have a nice clean house and apartment.  She just doesn’t want to have to think about cow-towing to a man or anything.  She likes her life the way it is. And all right, for a while I kept saying “You’ll meet somebody.  Honey, you’ll meet somebody and then you’ll change your mind.”  But then I thought: I know she’s fifty-something now and I don’t think she’s going to get anyone.  So I guess I better let her live her own life and realize that she knows herself then.  She’s thought about it enough, so that’s fine.  That’s her life.  It’s not my life.  I just happen to think the Lord put us on this earth and He said “Be fruitful and multiply.”  But if she doesn’t believe that and she doesn’t want to live by that, that’s up to her.

Conrad, 88, asserts that the time to have your influence is before they move out:

Don’t tell them how to live their lives.  Tell them when they’re home, before they leave.  I’m satisfied that that’s what works out, because the rest of it they’re gonna figure out anyways, you know.

I have taken this advice to heart. It’s hard for me not to give advice, but I’ve learned to wait until my kids ask!

Seeking happiness? Think small

Posted on by

When people seek happiness, they often think about “big-ticket” items: I’d be happy if only I could find a better job, make more money, find a mate, have a child – the list goes on and on. In the Cornell University Legacy project, we spent the years asking over 2000 of the oldest Americans for their advice to younger people on living a happier and more fulfilling life. And they see this prevalent approach to happiness as a mistake.

When it comes to happiness, America’s elders urge us to “think small.” They believe that we must be aware and attentive to small pleasures in daily life, even as we may be waiting for something in our lives to change. They are consciously grateful for what they have, right now, rather than pinning their happiness on future achievements or possessions

On that note, here are five simple pieces of advice for happier living, from the oldest (and wisest) Americans:

Every morning when I wake up, I thank God that at 75 years old I’m able to get up, take my shower, go about my business, by my groceries or go to work or whatever I do, I’m very thankful for that. (Lavonne, 75)

Just take life in stride, I guess, do the best you can. Enjoy, if you can afford it, living; going out and treating yourself to a few luxuries, like maybe going out to dinner, going for a ride or something like that. (Abel, 77)

Be grateful for each day that you wake up. (Roman, 84)

Everybody says that you should make a goal in your life, but I don’t think that’s always necessary because you make a goal and the first thing you know, you switched over to something else. All I wanted to do was be a mother, and I did. I had three boys and three girls and my husband made a living for us, we did fairly well, all of our children are still living and they’re happy, so I’m happy. (Roseanne, 79)

To live a decent life, a comfortable life, and that basically makes me happy. (Luann, 81)

We don’t have to wait until we are old to use this knowledge. In our studies, the elders say that younger people can take this “savoring” approach to daily life now, and reap the benefits of it over the entire course of their lives.

For more information on the The Legacy Project, see the book 30 Lessons for Living: Tried and True Advice from the Wisest Americans, and meet the elders sharing lessons for happiness on our YouTube channel.

Sharon’s List for Living

Posted on by

Sharon, 79, shared her lessons for living in a letter with advice for every stage of life.

The topic you asked us to write about intrigued me. Thinking about it, it almost seems appropriate to have life lessons related to life stages:

Childhood

  • Believe in yourself and try to be around people who believe in you.
  • It is in fact hard for children to actually do this as they are limited in terms of the power and control they have over their environment. This is one of the major advantages of growing up.
  • Express yourself and explore.
  • Find a friend or soul mate to do it with you.

Young Adulthood

  • Work at finding something you are passionate about and pursue it.
  • Always aim to do more than is asked of you.
  • If you feel isolated and lacking in support, do something about it and don’t believe others if they say that they never feel that way too.
  • Find a life partner based on intimacy. A good test is: “Is that someone you would want to play with in the playground if you both were 6 years old?”
  • Chose someone for the joy or their voice or how they move; not to look after you financially or for status. Be prepared to find those things for yourself if you need them.

Adulthood

  • Never take your partner for granted. Treat them as you would your best friend. Good manners towards each other are an important part of home life. (I wish I knew this from my family of origin. It is one I am still struggling with.)
  • Hopefully you will have found your life partner first time around, but if not recognize the mistake and leave the relationship. It serves no purpose to ruin two people’s lives and it is important to model a positive relationship for your children
  • Children feel safest when they are with adults they can trust.
  • Be a trustworthy adult by being authentic and recognizing your own needs, and seeing that these needs are met. Modeling being a martyr does no favors to your children. Give them permission to do the same.
  • Enjoy your parents while they are still around both mentally and physically.

Now – Whenever That is

  • Balance your life so that you have time to enjoy the roses.
  • Do not take your health and well being for granted. Keep up the exercise and you can no longer indulge in some of the excesses that you could get away with when you were younger.
  • If your parents have become dependent on you, you have children again but this time you have to respect them as adults.
  • If you have not yet had a serious illness, be grateful.
  • Live each day as if you have had a serious look at your own mortality – so that there will be no regrets.
  • Enjoy the comfort and intimacy of old and newfound friends.
  • Give something back to the community.
  • Be a tribal elder.
  • Enjoy a good bottle of red.

Matilda’s lessons for living, peaceful and poetic

Posted on by

Matilda, 78, sent us a set of lessons that read like poetry; calm, reflective thoughts good for a Sunday morning (and a snowy one here).

Over my life, I have learned:

to see the fun in the world instead of dwelling on the unhappy things

to be involved is to feel useful and fulfilled

to have love for others is to receive love

to give to others but also to accept help gracefully

to make changes for the better when possible, knowing that those changes can become ever widening circles – but if they don’t, that’s okay too

that depression is lightened by doing something nice for someone else

that our minds and bodies are intertwined and that positive thoughts influence our bodies in beneficial ways

that life isn’t always smooth but the rough spots bring greater appreciation for the good times

to not live in the past, but to profit from the past while living in the present and the future

How to be 89: Lenore’s Advice for Aging Well

Posted on by

Lenore, 89, sent her lessons learned in a remarkable letter. She reflects on what makes for a good life, as well as a good old age. Some secrets: Keep learning, keep active, keep laughing.

I am 89 years young at heart. I am living in assisted living. I have six children, four are mine and two are my husband’s children. My two husbands are deceased. I have 11 grandchildren and 23 great-grandchildren, so far. Your letter reached me recently and I would like to participate in your project.

The following are some of the most important lessons I have learned over my long life.

Keep learning every day that passes. Education is important and you are never too old to learn something new- i.e. computers and the latest technology or a new way to cook something or how to make a quilt. Take classes that are offered by your local library.

Satisfy your curiosity. Read the newspaper each day as well as listen to the television. Make up your own mind on current events. Keep a dictionary by your side to look up new words.

Keep active both mentally and physically every day. Life has so much to offer. Take a walk if you can. Even if you are wheelchair bound do some movement of your arms and legs. Read magazines or books and share your thoughts with others.

Keep your sense of humor. Life is so much fun and a laugh lightens whatever is wrong.

Be responsible for your acts. Don’t lie. It is easier to tell the truth and the truth always comes out the same without thinking about it. Finally, have a strong faith in God no matter what life deals you.

Sincerely yours,

Lenore

P.S. Someone typed this for me because I type only with my left hand index finger.

The Best Christmas Gifts for Your Partner? You May Be Surprised at the Elders’ Advice

Posted on by

What are the best kinds of Christmas gifts we can give our partners? From my interviews with hundreds of long-married elders  (some happily married for a half century orsmall gifts more), I learned something new and different about the idea of a gift.

Think about it: Christmas comes, and if you have a reasonably sensitive partner, you wind up with a gift of some kind. But did that experience really enhance your relationship? My guess is that, overall, the effect was neutral, because we expect this kind of treatment. (It would have a very negative effect if we did not receive a holiday’s gift, but getting one simply fulfills our expectations.)

But what about these scenarios?

  • You walk downstairs one morning and on the table are freshly baked blueberry muffins and a vase of daffodils from the garden.
  • You’re supposed to pick up the kids after work, but your husband emails you saying he knows you’ve got a busy day so he’ll get them instead.
  • You mention your interest in going to a concert you have read about—and your wife surprises you that weekend with a pair of tickets.

According to the elders, gifts are expected on official occasions—and, yes, probably necessary. But what keeps the spark alive is the unexpected—and kind—gesture. In fact, they believe there is nothing more effective in keeping a relationship warm, supportive, and fun than making a habit of doing small, positive things.

This lesson first hit me a number of years ago when I began my search for the life wisdom the oldest Americans. Antoinette, 81, told me about her marriage, which had been troubled in its early years. But through hard work, talking, and counseling, she and her husband of 55 years have attained a warm and loving relationship. When I asked her what she believed was the most important change she made, she thought for a few moments and said:

There is one practical piece of advice I have given to my children. This is just one little jewel that I passed along to them. And that’s when you wake up in the morning, think, “What can I do to make his or her day just a little happier?” The idea is you need to turn toward each other and focus on the other person, even just for that five minutes when you first wake up. It’s going to make a big difference in your relationship.

The elders strongly endorse the power of small and frequent positive actions in keeping the spark alive. They suggest we focus less on “big-ticket” items when we think of giving our mate something—often spending more than we can afford for items that may be quickly forgotten—and concentrate instead on giving small “gifts” throughout the week or the day. The build-up of these positive gestures can have a transformative impact on a marriage.

Darren Freeman, 73, discovered that the key to happiness in his marriage is “being loving and caring and doing things for the other person.” But he immediately added:

In my case it is being spontaneous. Going on trips by saying, “We are going to go out on a certain night.” Not tell them where you are going, and then you take them out to a certain place for dinner. Not necessarily overloading them with gifts during the Christmas time and so forth, but just throughout the years giving them little things, like if I notice that she has shown interest in something while we were shopping. Then going and buying that and bringing it home and saying, “Here, I got you a surprise today!”

How can you make the strategy of doing small, positive actions work for you? The elders suggest three types of gestures that, when done frequently, have a major impact on the relationship—surprises, chores, and compliments.

Surprise your partner. The power of small positive gestures is enhanced when they are unexpected. Jeanne Beauchamp, 72, and Rachel Strauss, 74, talked about the element of surprise in their long relationship. Jeanne told me:

Well, I think it’s really important to do little things that are a surprise. Whether it’s giving your partner a card or going out to celebrate a special event like a promotion or a special anniversary. Just little surprises. Like buying flowers. Doing things spontaneously, like you know you’re planning to have dinner at home, and it’s almost 4:00 and instead you say, “Let’s go out for dinner. Let’s go somewhere special.”

Do his or her chore. In many relationships, partners have firmly established responsibilities. It might be the separation of the inside/outside of the house domains, a schedule of who prepares dinner, who cares for a pet, or who picks up the kids. The elders say that one of the most effective small, positive actions is spontaneously taking over for your mate (especially if it’s an odious chore).

Tracey James, 68, contrasted this approach to giving big gifts—and told me that freely-offered chore assistance wins hands down:

Frequent smaller acts of kindness greatly trump large rare acts of kindness. Taking out the dog when it’s raining, going to the dry cleaner because I didn’t get there and not being angry about it—that really trumps a dozen roses. If you give me a dozen roses on Valentine’s Day, that’s one day out of the whole year. What am I supposed to think about in August when I’m not thinking about that? But if you have carried up the laundry or made the beds or emptied the dishwasher and I go to the dishwasher and you’ve done that, I can see that right away and I’m grateful and that’s part of my grateful day. That makes a big difference to me.

Give compliments. Showing admiration and appreciation is another small positive action you should take. This point was brought home to me by some very regretful older people—the failure to give and receive positive feedback and compliments was one of the most common regrets they expressed about marriage. For those elders who made a habit of complimenting their spouses, though, the payoff was a warm atmosphere of mutual appreciation.

In offering the advice to give small “gifts” as often as possible, the elders are right in line with the research. Studies of positive psychology underscore the importance of unexpected pleasant events as contributors to daily happiness.

So try upping the number of small, positive things you do for your partner. According to the elders, it can create a cascade of positive interactions that will improve and enliven your marriage. And you don’t need to wait for Christmas.

Top 10 List from the Wisest Americans: How to Be Happier

Posted on by

In contemporary society, we don’t often ask our elders for advice. We’re much more likely to talk to professionals, read books by pop psychologists or motivational speakers, or surf the internet for solutions to our problems. In general (and for the first time in human history), we no longer look to our society’s oldest members as a key source of wisdom for how to live happier, healthier, and more fulfilling lives.

For a number of years, I’ve conducted a research project designed to tap the practical wisdom of older Americans. Using several different social science methods, I’ve collected responses from over 1200 elders to the question: “Over the course of your life, what are the most important lessons you would like to pass on to younger people?” I then combed through the responses, and the result was a book on lessons for living from the people I have called “the wisest Americans.”

As I look back over years of talking with America’s elders, 10 lessons stand out as those they would like to convey to young people. Read these “Top 10 Lessons for Living” and see how they apply to your own life.

1. Choose a career for the intrinsic rewards, not the financial ones.  Although many grew up in poverty, the elders believe that the biggest career mistake people make is selecting a profession based only on potential earnings. A sense of purpose and passion for one’s work beats a bigger paycheck any day.

2. Act now like you will need your body for a hundred years: Stop using “I don’t care how long I live” as an excuse for bad health habits. Behaviors like smoking, poor eating habits and inactivity are less likely to kill you than to sentence you to years or decades of chronic disease. The elders have seen the devastation that a bad lifestyle causes in the last decades of life – act now to prevent it.

3.  Say “Yes” to Opportunities: When offered a new opportunity or challenge, you are much less likely to regret saying yes and more likely to regret turning it down. They suggest you take a risk and a leap of faith when opportunity knocks.

4. Choose a mate with extreme care: The key is not to rush the decision, taking all the time needed to get to know the prospective partner and to determine your compatibility with them. Said one respondent: “Don’t rush in without knowing each other deeply. That’s very dangerous, but people do it all the time.”

5. Travel More: Travel while you can, sacrificing other things if necessary to do so. Most people look back on their travel adventures (big and small) as highlights of their lives and regret not having traveled more. As one elder told me, “If you have to make a decision whether you want to remodel your kitchen or take a trip—well, I say, choose the trip!”

6. Say it now: People wind up saying the sad words “it might have been” by failing to express themselves before it’s too late. The only time you can share your deepest feelings is while people are still alive. According to an elder we spoke with: “If you have a grudge against someone, why not make it right, now? Make it right because there may not be another opportunity, who knows? So do what you can do now.

7. Time is of the essence: Live as though life is short—because it is. The point is not to be depressed by this knowledge but to act on it, making sure to do important things now. The older the respondent, the more likely they were to say that life goes by astonishingly quickly. Said one elder: “I wish I’d learned that in my thirties instead of in my sixties!”

8. Happiness is a choice, not a condition: Happiness isn’t a condition that occurs when circumstances are perfect or nearly so. Sooner or later you need to make a deliberate choice to be happy in spite of challenges and difficulties. One elder echoed almost all the others when she said: ““My single best piece of advice is to take responsibility for your own happiness throughout your life.”

9. Time spent worrying is time wasted: Stop worrying. Or at least cut down. It’s a colossal waste of your precious lifetime. Indeed, one of the major regrets expressed by the elders was time wasted worrying abou things that never happen

10. Think small: When it comes to making the most of your life, think small. Attune yourself to simple daily pleasures and learn to savor them now.

For me, that last lesson is a great one to think about. Because of their awareness that life is short, the elders have become attuned to the minute pleasures that younger people often are only aware of if they have been deprived of them: a morning cup of coffee, a warm bed on a winter night, a brightly colored bird feeding on the lawn, an unexpected letter from a friend, even a favorite song on the radio (all pleasures mentioned in my interviews). Paying special attention to these “microlevel” events forms a fabric of happiness that lifts them up on a daily basis. They believe the same can be true for younger people as well – and it’s well worth a try at any age!