Putting Money in Perspective

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Many of the elders grew up in the Great Depression, and they knew what it was like to live on almost nothing. But there was something else they learned: you could be very happy with almost nothing if you had a loving family, a supportive neighborhood, and you weren’t competing with a lot of other people who had more than you did.

Maybe this is why so many of the life lessons of the elders had to do with not over-valuing material things. They don’t want us all to be starving artists, but they want you not to be ruled by possessions or an overwhelming urge to make money.

Ed, 76, a retired engineer, told me:

You don’t want your things to own you. The best example that I can give you is my mother and father. Their house was their idol. All the stuff in it was pristine and laid out and my mother saved every book she ever read, every lesson plan, everything she’d ever done, and the house was chock full of all kinds of stuff. Some really good stuff, but, after my father died we took a few things and all the rest went into the dumpster. All that worry, all that thought. And it’s hard to shake. You look at all the stuff and think ‘all this crap owns me, I’m a prisoner of it.’ There’s a lesson in this that I hoped I’ve learned while I’m still alive. I’m not owned by expensive things because they’re expensive.

Micah, 77, stressed not choosing work just for the paycheck:

That was always the way people that measured a success when we were young. Some people went to college but most people went to work. They got a job and went to work, and everything revolved around ‘what are you earning? what are you making?’ and stuff like that. So  the more money you made the more successful you were. And that became of more importance than ‘what should I do with my life? what do you want to develop? what do you want to learn?’ But by learning and experiencing that part of your life, you’re going to be doing something you like doing, you want to do, and money follows. Money follows.

That’s the way it works. And if money doesn’t follow, you’re doing something you like anyway. When I was a kid, down the street we had a shoemaker. He was a father with his kids and they all did the shoes, leather soles and stuff, and they were a pretty cool family. They loved working there. They were making shoes and fixing shoes. So there’s ways to be happy without having to be this big shot corporate guy.

Growing Up Is the Work of a Lifetime

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Maurice, 77, has a different take on the expression “live life to the fullest.”

The advice I would give to my grandchildren is to treasure every day of  their existence and to do their best at every task they face. 

I do not believe in “living life to the fullest” in the sense in which that expression is often used.  Most important when you look back on your life are the unselfish things you have done, the love and support you have  given to others, and the sense that you have made the most of your talents and  opportunities.

I have learned that growing up is the work of a lifetime and that  we should strive to continue growing until the end of our days.

Be Curious about Spirituality

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A common theme among the elders was to be open to spirituality. Few were interested in telling younger people what to believe. But their long life experience often has directed them toward a spiritual life, and it’s one of their lessons for living. Here’s Juliet, 88, who suggests that at a miminum we should be curious about religion:

I grew up in a religious family and I think and I am still a very spiritual human being. I’ve had a lot of interest in it because of my curiosity. I don’t understand people who are not curious about religion. I don’t understand people who just completely reject it, most of our wonderful poetry, our wonderful literature, our wonderful music have some background in some religion. So, out of curiosity I think that people should pursue at it at least a little. They don’t have to involve themselves completely, but they should find out before they reject things like that.

I think its because I believe in a spiritual being that I never would have survived unless somebody had been there for me when I needed the support of another person, and I mean a whole lot of somebodies all down through my life. There have been people, most of them I’ve had some contact with at some point when I needed them. Either a working relationship or a social relationship, but they just sort of pop up and they have no idea what they have done for me.

Best Books of 2012 – 30 Lessons for Living Is on the Lists!

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The excitement about 30 Lessons for Living: Tried and True Advice from the Wisest Americans keeps spreading. At the Legacy Project, we hope this means people are waking up to the value of elder wisdom and how it can change our lives for the better.

One great sign: It’s an honor to report that 30 Lessons has been receiving “best book” recognition over the past few weeks:

Bloomberg News, Best Books of 2012: In the words of the reviewer:  “30 Lessons for Living: Tried and True Advice From the Wisest Americans by Karl Pillemer reminds us of what’s important in life. Superbly written.”

Rhode Island Bookstores, Best Gift Books of 2012.

Next Avenue’s Best Books to Boost Your Career. As the reviewer puts it: ” After reading [the book], I bet you’ll rethink your career and how you’ll want to work in the future.”

Connecting to the Universe: The Power Within Us

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It’s probably no surprise that most of the elders endorsed the idea that faith and spirituality are important to a happy life. But there was a very wide diversity of beliefs. Some people were involved in mainstream religions, whereas others had developed their own spiritual perspectives.

Marie, 92, was married for nearly 70 years. Over the years, they provided a home to many foster children, and her work as a teacher allowed her to help many students over the years. Raised a Methodist, she has moved away formal religious participation. But she also recommended spiritual beliefs that help make sense of the universe:

It’s very important. There’s a vast difference between spirituality and religion. I feel that I have a very close relationship with the total power of the universe, that we give the name God, because we don’t know what else to call it. And I feel that it’s very important to maintain that connection to the universe, to the total power. And that little flake, the little tiny bit of the power that is within each of us, that is light, is a real connection.

It’s a bit strange, I had never heard anybody else explain the feeling of the total universe as I see it. The stream of eternity, no beginning, no end, flows on. And that is the sum total of all power. And every now and then a little flake of that power breaks off and goes into a vehicle like us. And as it travels along this highway, this detour, there are potholes, hills to climb, decisions to make, go this way or that way, and eventually the vehicle wears out and the little spark returns to the highway. So I’m continually seeking to be in harmony with that power. You know that when you feel good inside yourself about what’s happening. And when things are falling in place for you.

Good Thought for the Season: Being Happy In Spite of Hard Times

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As we prepare for the holidays, many families are worried about their financial situations. Perhaps we can take some reassurance from the elders in the Legacy Project who experienced real hardship in the Great Depression.

Among adults, the Great Depression caused the disruption of professional and personal life and led to immense stress and uncertainty. For the Legacy Project elders – who were children or teenagers at the time – a somewhat different picture emerges. With few better off to whom they could compare themselves, and without high expectations of material excess, they simply learned to have a good time with what they had. This can be a powerful first lesson for how to be happy in spite of difficult financial times.

For example, two elders told us:

I grew up during the Depression, but I didn’t know I was poor because we had our own garden, our own car, our own chickens- everything that we had, we produced. I learned also to try to be happy – you went dancing, you went to baseball games, and most of it didn’t cost much. (Evelyn, 91)

I would say that our generation came from a more impoverished society, so our expectations weren’t that great like you guys are. You people grew up with computers and everything else, but we didn’t. So we didn’t expect it. We have it now, but if I lost it tomorrow morning it wouldn’t bother me, I’ve lived most of my life without it. (Phillip, 87)

I also think of Jennifer, 85 years old, with such good health that she traveled last year to Germany, Canada, and Alaska. She is an active volunteer and participates in continuing education programs. When approached by us, she quipped: “’Advice about life’ for younger generations in your letter surely opens the gates for us oldies!”

Her life’s lessons clearly represent the “happy in spite of” mentality:

In spite of growing up and attending college in the Depression years, the “good life” for me began in earliest childhood when I was raised in a loving and encouraging family and enriched by many inspiring role models. Then, fortunately, our marriage was a happy and rewarding one that enabled us to meet ups and downs together. For both of us, gratitude and giving thanks to our parents and others along the way was simply a way of life. I am not sure the importance of a simple “Thank you” or caring gesture is stressed enough today. We likely became more conscious of this as our family grew, and greatly appreciate seeing this attribute in our grandchildren and their young children.

It may sound like old-fashioned advice, but a focus on “gratitude and giving thanks” may help all of us this holiday! And if you have wisdom to share about the holidays, please post it here!

30 Lessons for Living: Readers React

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It’s a great pleasure to hear readers’ reactions to 30 Lessons for Living: Tried and True Advice from the Wisest Americans. Our goal in the Legacy Project and the book was to encourage people to take elder wisdom seriously, and to return to the time-honored tradition of asking older people for their advice for living. It’s great that so many people have found this perspective to be useful.

We’ve been hearing a lot from book clubs who are reading 30 Lessons for Living. Just in from a New York book club member: “Last night we discussed your book at our book club — it generated one of our best discussions ever.  It was a great read for us!” The book seems to act as a springboard for profound book club discussions of how to make the most of your life.

We keep hearing from readers from around the country, like these:

From a reader in California:

For a number of years it has been on my back burner to travel the country with the intention to interview the elderly, believing that there is so much soulful information that exists with this cohort and how sad it is that we let it just slip away without notice or interest (or having it inform the actions and beliefs of the younger crowd). I was both delighted and a bit bummed out to discover your book (mostly delighted). It’s a wonderful book! Thank you for writing it with such integrity and genuine intent.

A fan from Taiwan (!):

 Thanks for your excellent book “30 Lessons for Living” which would help people around the world to rethink happiness and success and to find their own happy and successful life. I hope your efforts for the world will continue and bear fruit.

 And from a father-to-be in Memphis:

A work colleague and friend recently handed me a copy of your book “30 lessons for living” – a wonderful and easy read that reinforces many of the lessons my parents and elders have taught me (or tried to teach me!) over the years! As a soon-to-be first-time dad, I hope to pass on these lessons to our child. Thank you for all your hard work and research in putting the book together!  For some national reactions to the book, here is  a selection of media coverage:

The media also continue to spread the word about the elder wisdom that we have captured in the Legacy Project and the book.

The Washington Post just created a wonderful slideshow illustrating the lessons, called Twelve Ways to Live a Better Life.

I had a great interview this month with Dr. Michael Roizen (of the “You: The Owner’s Manual” books with Dr. Oz). You can listen here.

This article came out this week in the Wall Street Journal, urging people to follow the book’s lead and ask elders in their lives for lessons.

And many people are still enjoying these two reports from some months ago:

The PBS Newshour devoted a segment to the book, with interviews with two wonderfully wise elders.

Jane Brody published a terrific column on the book in the New York Times.

But the best  recognition that elder wisdom is critically important is this: Your support for this blog! Around 10,00 readers visit every month, and lots of you are viewing many lessons while you are here. Thanks to all of you for your interest, and for spreading the word about the Legacy Project!

Four Tips from the Elders for “Fighting Fair” in Marriage

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What makes or breaks a marriage? To uncover the answer to that question, I have been interviewing the individuals I believe are the true experts: older people who have been married for decades. In hundreds of discussions with America’s elders (described in my recent book), one answer is surprisingly clear.

In looking at your marriage, they suggest you ask one key question: Can you talk with your spouse? And further: Can you talk with him or her about anything or are there “hot-spots” that are off-limits for conversation as a couple? It may work out if one partner declares a minor topic as off-limits (new phone apps, shoe sales or any interactive video game, for example). But as a rule, the elders in long marriages believe your partner simply must be someone you can talk to. Indeed, the most frequent source of “buyer’s remorse” in our respondents’ marriages was finding that a spouse just couldn’t or wouldn’t communicate.

Where is communication most important? These “experts” on marriage agreed that one thing all couples need to do — if you want to remain married as long as they have — is to learn to communicate about conflicts. More specifically, we all need to learn how to fight. I learned from the elders that fights are inevitable; it’s how we handle them that matters.

Dora is 86 years old and has been married for 67 years. When asked about the kind of advice she has for younger people about marriage, Dora’s lesson was about fighting:

Well, the only thing I can really think of is this: Just because you have a fight, it’s not the end of things. After all, there are two people living together, coming from different families, different upbringings. And if you fight, you have to recognize: “Oh, well, so what? We had a fight.” Ten minutes later you forget about it. As you get older, it becomes five minutes. Today people are, “Oh I had a fight,” and they act like it was the end of the world. You just have to move on. There’s at least two a week in this house!

So we have to get used to fights. Maybe that word is too strong for some couples, but even those who don’t “fight” have disagreements. And it is in communication around differences of opinion that the secret to a long marriage lies. You’ve just heard someone in a great marriage that has lasted 67 years tell you cheerfully that she and her husband fight twice a week. It’s not the fighting — it’s how you deal with it.

The elders proposed some creative ways of talking through disagreements before they get to the knock-down, drag-out level. Here are four suggestions for how to communicate when things get tense in your relationship.

Tip 1: If you are having trouble discussing something, get out of the house.

Gary, 75, suggests that a change of scene can help you communicate about a disagreement.

When you’re in your own home, you’re in the same atmosphere where the problems are going on. So you should go somewhere where you can talk — maybe it would be in the park, a restaurant or somewhere else. We’ve done that when we needed to. I’m not sure why that works better, but it does.

Tip 2: Find a way to blow off steam, and then engage with your partner.

Antoinette, 81, found that writing helped defuse conflicts and increased her ability to discuss them.

When I became terribly upset, I would sit down and write long letters to my husband, put them aside, read them the next day — and then throw them away. I think the big thing is to vent these things out of yourself, and you can do that in many ways. I found that writing helped.

Tip 3: Watch out for teasing.

Benjamin, 72, and his wife eliminated one way of relating that they found dangerous — it’s a strategy that could be used by many couples:

After we got married, we went through sort of a teasing phase, and it was getting out of hand. So we made a pact that we wouldn’t tease the other person at all, and it really helped. It can degenerate into something nasty, teasing. So we just stopped it. I may have been the worst one, the bigger tease. I’m kind of a jokester, and maybe I thought it was funny. But it digs a little too deep. And then she would probably retaliate. It certainly changes the other person’s attitude after they get teased. Looking back, that was an important moment, a turning moment point for us — to stop teasing. And it really cleared the air. It was wonderful.

Tip 4: Let your partner have his or her say.

The elders found making an effort to listen, and to clearly show your partner that you are listening, to be a major way to defuse conflict. They say it’s one of the major challenges in marriage — shutting up long enough to hear your partner’s perspective.

Here’s 82-year-old Natalie’s tip:

Before getting married, I had been single for quite a while — 27 years. I was used to running my own life. I thought I knew all the answers. When my husband would talk, instead of listening to him I would be thinking what to say… to contradict or to reinforce what I was trying to say. That is not the best thing when you communicate. You’ve really got to listen and let them have their say. When they’re done, ask, “What would you want?” or “What do you think would be the right thing we should do?” When I was in my twenties, I had all the answers. Now that I’m in my eighties, I’m not so sure my answers are always right.

April, 72, suggests “letting go.” She offers a very useful tip for deciding who should let what go:

It’s important to let some things go. You need to figure out what matters and what really doesn’t matter. There was one thing that we came to early on that really stayed with us: If we were in some sort of struggle over something, we would stop and say, “Which one of us is this more important to?” And when we could figure that out, the other one found it so much easier to let go. But we needed to consciously stop and figure it out.

So whether you call it a spat, a tiff or a disagreement, our elders say we must learn to fight fair — and it’s never too late to do so.

(Do you have marriage advice of your own? Please tell us your marriage lessons at our new site!)

A Key Piece of Elder’s Marriage Advice: Choose Carefully

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I’m fascinated by the issue of regret. On the one hand, it’s challenging to deal with regret, and for some people regrets can drag them down in later life. But regret also serves a highly useful function: It helps us avoid mistakes in the future. One very common strategy for “regret prevention” among the elders had to do with finding a life partner. Over and over, elders told me that the most important thing about this critical life decision is: choose carefully, or you will regret it.

Virginia, 73, wanted to make sure her message about not rushing into marriage was strongly conveyed to younger people. Born into rural poverty, she lost her father at age 6. Her mother remarried, had two more children, and Virginia became a caretaker.

I had big responsibilities for a child my age. I took care of the kids, and I can remember when, I think I was in sixth grade, and my mother was not completely well. I mean, she had dizzy spells, and she would keep me home from school a day or two a week to take care of the little ones. I’d get up in the morning and she’d ask me to stay home from school that day. In some ways, I have been a caretaker all my life. It seems like I’m always taking care of someone.

Virginia describes rushing into marriage as one of the biggest mistakes anyone can make, and we should take her words seriously. She’s done it twice.

The first time, I got married to get away from home. I married young, I was only eighteen. I had started college in the mid-1950s, but lack of money and circumstances just didn’t allow me to continue, and I didn’t know what to do or where to go. I wanted to join the service. And my stepfather said no, and this was in the fifties, you understand, so I listened and I didn’t, but I knew I could no longer live at home. So there was this fellow I’d been going with, and we up and got married the week I turned eighteen. I’d had enough, and my stepfather was difficult to get along with. And they wanted my bed actually, and I didn’t know where to go, what to do, so I got married.

Well, two children and eleven years later, we divorced. It wasn’t a wise decision to marry him but it was an out for me at that time. So please, tell younger people: Don’t marry so young, get an education any way you possibly can. It’s easier in today’s world then it was back then. But when it comes to marriage, don’t rush into things. Give it time before you jump in.

After the divorce, Virginia remarried. Unfortunately, she admitted: “And that was a mistake too. I haven’t had the best luck.” Again, the problem was making the decision too quickly.

I rushed into something I later regretted, it was in the middle 1960s, and my first husband was an alcoholic and he had become very abusive. I decided to return to school, and I was taking courses. I wanted to go to school, get my teaching degree, and then I could leave my first husband and support my children and myself. But it just got so bad I had to leave, and I met this fellow, and there again I rushed into things. It was a way out and my kids liked him.

Well, at first it was good, but after that it was pretty bad. He had girlfriends, he ran around on me, he, oh, he didn’t work, he didn’t provide. So I knew that I had made the same mistake again. By marrying too soon, not knowing the person, he wasn’t what I thought he was. I was really taken in.

I haven’t had an easy time of it, frankly. But maybe I can help others understand. Here’s my advice to the people looking to get married. When you get to be like me in your seventies you realize that life is too short. One of my biggest regrets is wasted opportunities and the need to see that if you’re not happy in a situation you need to change it. I could have made a major difference in my life if I had chosen my husbands carefully, really gotten to know them before committing to the relationships. Know the person in and out before you get married. You think nowadays that you can get out of it easily, but that’s not always the case.

(Do you have marriage advice? Please share it on our new site!