We are so proud of the interns who worked with us over the past summer! This post comes from Madeline Weinfeld, a junior at Cornell University majoring in Human Development and minoring in Business. She reports that she truly enjoyed every interview she conducted during the internship and applies the lessons she learned to her life today. The exoerience helped Madeline realize how important and valuable elders are, and also how important it is that people work in this field. Madeline is excited to be back at school where she can help educate her peers and make Cornell’s campus more aware of both the risk and resiliency within the aging population.

 Madeline shares a lesson she learned from on wise elder: Friendship is critically important in marriage:

Beverly, age 87 is an incredibly upbeat and optimistic lady. She was a pleasure to talk to and was really excited to be able to share some of her life experiences and expertise. Of all of the stories she shared and the memories she recalled, Beverly was most confident and enthusiastic about the importance of family in her life. In particular, she was especially passionate about her remarkable relationship with her late husband.

Right now, I’m widowed. I’ve been widowed for over 20 years. My husband was only 66. He was my childhood boyfriend, lover, friend, everything. And we had a wonderful, wonderful marriage.

Beverly never re-married, and even though she had lost her husband so long ago, you could still sense the love she had for him. I was intrigued by her seemingly unconditional love for a man she had known since childhood. When I asked her what advice she had for having a long and happy marriage, Beverly shared original advice that made perfect sense. She said:

Always find someone who can be your best friend. It is always better to be in like than in love. Love does change. Yes, it stays with you, but it does change. Like never changes. And that is what helps marriages last, to be in like.

This idea of being “in like” is so simple, yet I think it is often neglected in forming relationships because it is so easy to get caught up in the exciting thrill of infatuation. Beverly was confident that being “in like” was the most necessary component when finding a partner with whom you will one day create a family of your own.

In our society, we have a paradox. Most people want to get married and there is considerable research evidence that marriage has a wide range of benefits. But too often, the joy that accompanies the wedding celebration turns sour, and nearly half of couples who stand at the altar in hopeful excitement find themselves starting over after the trauma of divorce.

I was particularly interested in long-married elders’ advice about finding a life partner and staying married. In my new book, 30 Lessons for Loving (coming out this January), I surveyed 700 older Americans for their advice.

Here are three major (and somewhat surprising) lessons from the elders for finding a life partner and staying together “as long as you both shall live.”

Marry Someone a Lot Like You

I asked hundreds of elders what is most important for a long and happy marriage and their advice was just about unanimous: Opposites may attract, but they don’t make for great and lasting marriages. Based on their long experiences both in and out of love relationships, their first lesson is this: You are much more likely to have a satisfying marriage for a lifetime when you and your mate are fundamentally similar. And the most important thing to look for is similarity in your core values.

Take Emma Sylvester, who at 87 has been married for 58 years. As she put it with a smile, “It’s quite an achievement.”

I didn’t know it when I got married, but in retrospect I know it’s important to have the same basic values. In other words, if you’re a free spender, marry somebody who understands that. If you’re frugal, you need to marry somebody who understands that, because money is one of the stumbling blocks in marriages. And fortunately we had the same values on most things. Because of this, we really didn’t argue. And we really didn’t agonize over things. We came to our decisions by just realizing that we had usually the same goals. We both believed in education. We wanted to be moral according to society’s standards, to raise our children to be good citizens, and to be responsible in terms of finances.

Arguments emerge over apparently trivial issues, the elders told us, because they really reflect underlying values. Whether the wife purchases an expensive golf club or the husband a new electronic toy is not the core issue in what can become a monumental fight, but rather the deeper attitude toward what money means and whether the financial interests of the couple are more important than indulging an individual whim.

The elders urge people committing to a relationship to ask the question: Do we believe the same things in life are important? If problems develop in the relationship, these experts on long marriages say that value differences are likely to be at the heart of the problem.

Never Expect Your Partner to Change after Marriage

What about taking a leap of faith on the marriage under the assumption that you can change your partner after you’re married? The elders were as clear about this possibility as can be: Forget about it. According to them, entering into a marriage with the goal of changing one’s partner is a fool’s errand.

Rosie Eberle, 80 and happily married for 56 years, had a blunt comment to make about the entering into a marriage expecting to change one’s partner: “It’s just plain stupid.” She went on:

For heaven’s sake, don’t say “Oh, he’s this way now but he won’t always be like that.” Because they usually are, and you have to be careful, that’s all. So don’t marry someone and then think, “Oh, well he’ll change.” Or “I’m going to change him.” Believe me, it doesn’t happen. But people get real stubborn, and believe that can change a person later on, which never works.

Friendship Is as Important as Love

When asked the question: “What’s the secret to a long, happy marriage such as yours?” a common answer from people in long marriages was: “I married my best friend.” Similarly, from those whose marriages did not succeed, I often heard: “Well, we were good at love, but we never learned how to be friends.”

This response sounds peculiar, given that we are schooled in our culture to differentiate between friendship and romantic love. Indeed, television shows like “Will and Grace” and “Sex and the City” popularize the view that cross-sex friendship works best (or only) when one of the friends is gay. We see friends and spouse as two separate social categories that have different functions.

In contrast, the elders say that the special qualities of friendship are exactly what you want in your marriage. We typically look forward to being with friends, we relish their company, we relax with them, we share common interests and we talk openly. In contrast, we all encounter people who do not feel they can talk easily to their spouse (next time you are out for a fancy dinner, observe the couples who manage only a few uncomfortable words over two hours). What the elders suggest is that you look for the qualities of a friend — the capacity to comfortably “hang out” — in the person you choose to marry. As one 87-year old told me: “Think back to the playground when you were a child. Your spouse should be that other kid you would most like to play with!”

According to the elders, all marriages have to undergo a transition from the initial thrill of romantic attraction and — many were honest about it — overwhelming sexual desire to the stages when other things must become as or more significant. After being swept off one’s feet by true love, the elders caution you to ask “What’s next?” Will you wake up next to the same person for five or six decades and still find a person you like as well as love?

Patty Banas, 80, made a go of a first marriage when young, divorced, and then “got it right” in her very happy second marriage. She had one recommendation:

Be sure that you’re really good friends. That is the most important thing. All this — all the romance and the bells and the whistles and stuff is all very nice but it doesn’t last. Be sure that you’re really, very good friends.

As a relationship is moving into a serious phase, a question couples can and should discuss is: If we weren’t in love, would be friends? And when we move to something other than heart-thumping passion, what is there that will keep us together? (Hint: The answer should not be kids.) The answer is friendship, and if you don’t have it, don’t get married — it’s that simple.

Marriage will probably never go out of style in our culture. Why? There’s no more evocative summation than that from Ellie Banks, the mother of the most famous June bride of all in the 1950s film classic Father of the Bride:

“Oh, Stanley. I don’t know how to explain. A wedding. A church wedding. Well it’s, it’s what every girl dreams of. A bridal dress, the orange blossoms, the music. It’s something lovely to remember all the rest of her life.”

But after the bouquet is thrown and the last grain of rice is swept up, the realistic approach of those who have experienced decades of marriage can help us make our unions last.

I have to admit – I wasn’t sure that anything could be as much fun as writing the first book based on the Legacy Project – 30 Lessons for Living: Tried and True Advice from the Wisest Americans. There’s something special about “firsts” – and seeing my first book on our elders’ advice for living touch the lives of so many people has been incredibly rewarding.

But I learned that writing my second book was every bit as much fun as the first! I had heard from many readers that they loved the whole book, but there was one chapter that really grabbed them – the one on love and marriage. Some folks were buying the book just for that one chapter. Couples used it at rehearsal dinners and receptions, asking their guests to offer their lessons for the newlyweds.

I am glad I listened to them, because it led me on another journey – this time to find out what the oldest and wisest Americans advise the rest of us on how to have fulfilling and lifelong committed relationships. They  told me the good and the bad, offering 30 lessons for loving – and that became the title of the book.

30 Lessons for Loving: Advice from the Wisest Americans on Love, Relationships, and Marriage is almost here! It will be published and available in bookstores nationwide on January 8, 2015, and can be pre-ordered now. In the book, over 700 elders (some married for 60 years and more) talk honestly about the joys and difficulties of getting and staying married. They provide detailed advice that you  can use right away on questions like:

• How do I know someone is right for me?
• How can I improve communication with my partner?
• How can we avoid and resolve conflicts?
• How can we deal with stress – from jobs, kids, in-laws, chores, money?
• How can we keep the spark alive – for a lifetime?

Please stay tuned, as over the next few months we”ll be highlighting findings and surprises from the marriage advice of the elders. We’ll be posting new videos – and as ever looking for your comments and feedback!