We are gathering advice from elders who lived through the Great Depression and World War II on how to cope with our current crisis. The Legacy Project is devoted to collecting and sharing elder wisdom, and we’d love to hear from you about how younger people can stay well and hopeful. Please share your lesson in the comment box below. Feel free to share your own wisdom, or advice that an elder shared with you.
(We have shared some lessons for living through a crisis after the comments box.)
First, appreciate that which you have. Take advantage of opportunities to laugh and sing. Stay active socially and physically. Decide to be happy. Finally, as stated in the 1947 song “Nature Boy”, Remember, “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.”
My father died a couple of years ago at age 92. He was truly a member of “The Greatest Generation”. At his service , I read the following list of life lessons my brother, sister and I learned from Pop:
+EXERCISE EVERY DAY
+DON’T WASTE MONEY, OR ANYTHING ELSE
+BE KIND TO CHILDREN AND ANIMALS
+KEEP YOUR SHOES SHINED
+WHEN SOMETHING GOES WRONG, FIX IT, LEARN FROM IT AND MOVE ON
+FEED THE TROOPS FIRST
+ALWAYS ORDER THE NEXT TO CHEAPEST THING ON THE MENU
+KNOW HOW TO DRIVE A STICK SHIFT
+RESPECT YOUR MOTHER
+GENTLEMEN DON’T SWEAR IN FRONT OF LADIES
+LEAD BY EXAMPLE
+WORK HARD – AND OFTEN
+TAKE VACATIONS, BUT DON’T TRAVEL FIRST CLASS
+ALWAYS HAVE MORE THAN ONE IRON IN THE FIRE
+ONLY BUY WHAT YOU CAN PAY FOR
+DON’T PROCRASTINATE
+USE PRONOUNS CORRECTLY
+TAKE THE HIGH ROAD
+NEVER ARGUE WITH YOUR NEIGHBORS
+IF YOU SAY IT, DO IT
+DISCIPLINE IS A POSITIVE ACTION, NOT A NEGATIVE REACTION
+IF HE SAID SOMETHING WAS WRONG WITH HIM, IT WAS
+NEVER THROW AWAY A PAINT CAN IF THERE IS AT LEAST AN INCH OF PAINT LEFT
+ONLY BIG DOGS COUNT – IRISH WOFLHOUNDS ARE THE BEST
+HONESTY IS NOT THE BEST POLICY – IT IS THE ONLY POLICY
+SAY “THANK YOU” FOR ALL THINGS, GREAT AND SMALL
+ALWAYS LABEL YOUR PHOTOS
+NO ONE HATES WAR MORE THAN THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN IN ONE
+STAND UP STRAIGHT
+LIVE WITH DIGNITY AND HONOR
+VOLUNTEER
+ GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY
SARA TEMPLETON POWELL 11-6-2010
Be good. Do good. Have fun. That order.
my cousin had 5 E’s on his 10th grade report card . his mom asked me to help. but I was in maryland and he was in michigan. We set up yahoo messenger account.We could see and hear each other .three times a week we spent 1-2 hours on lessons. there was a board we both could write on, helpful with math problems, and the cam could focus on pages of the homework. we continued thru 10th and 11th grades. the 12 th grade he was on his own and graduated.
same program could be use by retired and schoolchildren.
BENEFITS : the senior can spent one hour with students without having to dressup ,drive to a location, use gas, and without consdering the weather. all the time senior could give, would be instructing the students. There would be no unacceptable physical contact between grownups and children.
I dislike the word “retirement” — as used in our society it means to be non-productive, to be on the fringe. I have moved through several “careers” in my life and am now in
the phase of sharing some of my passions. I teach Tai Chi at a yoga studio, film appreciation in the continuing ed program at William and Mary, and am chair of the Program Committee at our synagogue. Last summer I spent 3 weeks touring parts of Italy (for the first time), 2 weeks on my own and the last week with my 19-year-old granddaughter. Oh, I celebrated my 81st birthday last December.
Got to run — I have a lunch date with a friend.
As a young man I was a rebel without a pause, in constant motion in search of Nirvana, namely eternal bliss and happiness.
My youthful quest took me around the world—twice! I sailed across stormy, windswept oceans, climbed mountains, dove under the sea, crossed deserts, rafted rivers, jumped out of airplanes (with a parachute, of course). And after all was said and done I always ended up with that same old hollow feeling of disappointment and self-reproach at not discovering eternal bliss.
One day, as a more mature adult, I awoke to a startling revelation. Nirvana doesn’t exist. Instead my life, if I so choose to believe, is a rich tapestry made up of spontaneous moments of joy, or what I’ve come to call SMOJs, pronounced smah-gez. And they exist all around me.
A SMOJ for me is as simple as fetching my newspaper from the bottom of the driveway every morning while taking in my first deep breaths of fresh air. Or wrapping my fingers around that first cup of hot coffee while reading the news. Or kissing my wife good-bye when she leaves for work.
And so it goes throughout the course of my day. The trick is that it’s my responsibility to identify and appreciate these disparate and isolated moments for the true joy they bring.
Of course there are times when I lose my focus, and unwittingly allow the blues or anger or frustration to get the best of me. But the beauty of this homespun SMOJ philosophy is that it more often that not allows me to focus on the positive rather than the negative things that are going on in my life. It helps center me.
I believe as a result of my focus on SMOJ’s I’ve become a better, more tolerant and appreciative person.
I am 27 years old this year, a Ph.D student. There are many task to do every day. I woul like to say something regarding life. Life is short. We cannot change its length but we can increase its width. We are supposed to do more things for society and family in our finite life.
Find the poetry in life. Acknowledge the gift of the five senses and focus on what you see, what you hear, what you smell, what you touch, what you taste.
This morning I looked past the yellow, white and orange spring pansies on the deck to the fox hole dug into the hillside. The four kits poked their heads out daringly as the mother fox stood guard.
I filtered the world’s news to hear of the children romping at the White House scooping their colored hard-boiled eggs down the South Lawn. I listened for the resurgence of a dream as at 46 someone competes in the U.S. Figure Skating Championships.
I smelled the rich Irish cream coffee brewing in the kitchen as my feet touched the chilled wood floor. I wrapped myself in my comfortable fleece bathrobe and bit into the warm, buttered wheat toast.
To see, to hear, to smell, to touch, to taste with clarity and discernment—that is the poetry at each turn.
Age 63
Too many people today are looking for someone to love them. Stop expecting others to do for you what you can’t do for yourself. Learn to love yourself.
I forgot how old I was and I fell in love.My life is fuller now then ever before.I am truly blessed with the love of a man who is 86, I am 76.We are true soul mates in sharring our love as well as our days together.Every day is special and we take it and use it.I would not trade this time in my life for anyother time, past or present.
Love the day,
Margo
Per article by Maggie Faeli Fard Buffalo News dated 4-17-2012
RE: Karl Pillager’S research
I found your article very interesting. At times I had unnecessary anxiety about the aging factor. Being that I am 76 I always said, “Gee, in four years I will be 80!”
A lot of my friends I worked with have passed away.
. My Mother died at age 48 and my father died at age 58, and one of my sisters died from Alzheimer’S. I have had a lot of setbacks in my life thus far. I had a heart attack at age 58, (the same age my father had one and passed away,) followed by heart surgery, and then a stroke a month later.
I put in 34 years on a major police department and have survived quite a few serious events while working in that capacity. I went back to school at a late age while I was working tor the police department and managed to obtain a degree in Philosophy. I retired from the department in 1995 after my heart surgery. I even wrote a book about my experiences.
Just last year I found out that I had cancer and wrote a poem about my feelings at that time.
I have taken the liberty to enclose it.
The Beast Within
I know that you are in there
But I feel you not
I just now feel the scare
Of you all curled up in your dark spot
You have taken the young and the old
As you eat away inside
As you keep your hold
To take a life you will decide
There is no known cure at this time!
I was lucky you were found in time!
Now you will await the surgeon’s knife
As this is the only answer
To cut away your life
We know the beast name Cancer.
During this time period I went through months of anxiety. I met with a surgeon who was to cut away the cancer on my colon. He performed more tests before the surgery. And then…The remarkable news that my Cancer was now gone.
But listen to me, I find that I am still enjoying life to the fullest.
I joined a gym and work out three times a week. Of course the odd thing was that younger persons held the door for me when I entered or left the gym, leaving me feeling my age…
I took up lessons in bowling and golf by professionals.
I have been to Hawaii, Vegas, New York, and several trips to Disney in Orlando, thereby watching the children enjoy themselves, while on these trips.
In closing, I wish to say that I have a wonderful wife, seven great children, twelve grandchildren and one great grandchild.
So, life goes on and everyone walks to the beat of a different drummer. My walk on this journey is fine, thank you very much!
Sincerely,
Michael Chernetsky
350 E. Hazeltine Ave.
Kenmore, New York 14217
Phone 716-874-0781
E-Mail balihaivil @ aol.com
Getting “old” is just a word. From 60 to 75 my mantra was “if you can’t fix it … don’t worry about it”. Now at 77 and aging rapidly my mantra is “not my problem” …. and being able to walk away without any regrets. Family has always been the spark of my life … my children and especially my grandchildren. They are all the JOY of my living. Most importantly … I thank the Universe everyday for all the blessings in my life.
Thank you Michael! What would life be if we didn’t cause problems to solve? Nothing, I think. Esctacy, bliss, emptiness. My life too has been anything but empty. Full, full, full. It’s such an adventure. For me, I was raised in the ’50’s, I married young, had two children before I was 24, divorced at 30, remarried at 35, helped to raise some more kids, divorced at 47, when I began a long awaited career in the arts, which was stalled by throat cancer, the loss of my voice and then 7 years later lung cancer, which I’m 8 years in remission from. But I found the way to turn a tragedy into a triumph, and use my art and writing to share my life’s lessons. Especially for my 7 year old grandson, who yet has a clue about what he’s in for….and it’s a good thing! Best to you in your journey to eternal bliss….
Wow, what a piece of hope! I’m 68 and have been single since I divorced at 47 from my second husband. Love is everywhere I’ve found, and even if I don’t end up sharing it again, my life is rich with creativity and family. Much happiness to you and your new love….
Conscious awareness of the small but significant part I play in the experience called Life grows continuously and profoundly when I am attentive, present, and open. Youth defies this byproduct of aging – as it should. It’s function is to create the problems only we can solve, to discover they’re all common problems – to be loved, to be safe, to be authentically ourselves.
I offered to clean out my cousin’s box of old photos and letters. I discovered one letter from her father, my uncle, written to her at age 20, shortly before he suffered from a massive stroke in his early fifties. In the letter he advised her “to seek and value the advice of older and more experienced people of her own choosing.” She struggled with decisions on transferring colleges, following a boyfriend and participating in 1971 counterculture activities. He continued, “You will be happy when you have accomplished your goals and are successful in what you will be doing. We know you for a long time and nobody changes her basic character after age six, as you well know.” My cousin had lots of spunk as a little girl and now is a very successful business woman, wife and mother. I’m glad she saved this letter and her father who died in 1983 would be very proud of her.
It is sad and regrettable that my marriage did not last after raising three great children. But instead of boring friends and hoping for sympathy, find interests you have longed to pursue which are open for you, now that the adult children are on their way.
At age 51, I moved to San Diego, took sailing lessons, tennis, and art lessons, putting them all to use. I got a job for a great company, but when the company closed, I had to change careers at age 63. After classes in Travel, I worked as a Travel Agent and had the opportunity to travel the world for the next 17 years.
Now, at age 88 and living in a retirement community, I am enjoying watercolor painting.
Life has much to offer if you do not let disappointments get you down and feel sorry for yourself. Get out and explore the many opportunities there are for you.
All relationship problems arise from a breakdown in the loving connection between two people. There will always be some negative emotions that have not been expressed in the relationship – it is the fear associated with these, usually unconscious, feelings that destroys the relationship. The unexpressed feelings cause us to separate from our partner because we do not want them to see our negative side in case they reject us. Ironically, this is exactly what our protective strategy brings about!
Life and everything in it,
is a gift from the infinite mind;
and the only way life could go wrong,
is through the limited finite mind!
Stop PROCRASTINATING, boy, I wish I had known how important it was to just ‘do it now’ and nowthat I’m an elder (only 66) I know I wasted DO much time putting things off.
I am just turning 71 years old and have acquired much wisdom over time. There are two very important lessions that I I would like to share.
First, Stand back and discover the wonder of your child. Each soul is a distinct entity; it can be old or young and has come with God-given gifts and a mission to grow in their spirit while here. In small native cultures, each child was observed and their natural abilities discovered and encouraged. All of these natural gifts were invauable to the community in some way.
Second, teach your child to question everything. The hand that rocks the cradle can rule the world, the old saying goes. Our world and the way we live is broken in many ways and the children should be encouraged to find new pathways to healthier lifestyles. Lifestyles that will cherish diversity, honor our Earth Mother, the world, and allow for peaceful coexistance of all cultures and lifeforms.
Whatever it is you want to do, go ahead and do it. Whether it’s learning a new skill, taking a new class, going on an adventure, finding a new love, do it now. There’s no time to waste, and after all, whether you do it or not, you’ll still be just that little bit older tomorrow, next month, next year. Why not be older with verve?
Be certain of this: happiness is not the result of smiling, or being positive, or winning or having. Happiness comes from embracing life. “YESSSS!!” is the throaty hiss of rapture. Turn towards it like a compass and “no” will always be behind you. Embrace the depth of your sorrow, the challenge of your loss, the strength of your will as it crosses the bridging fear. Embrace the wonder of creative impulses to catch and transform what is discarded. Embrace the power of salvation in walking toward paths and people and places that do not harm, but embrace. Embrace the wonder that is yourself, your history, your eyes and heart as they take in every moment of now.
hello — my father was very inspired about this project and even had his own small article published: http://blog.syracuse.com/opinion/2012/02/believe_in_yourself_set_goals.html.
In Robert Frost’s poem “Out, Out,” a young man dies tragically, and for a moment all those around him are affected by the tragedy of his loss. Yet soon, “…they, since they were not the one dead, turned to their affairs.”
I recently lost my brother, and in the gathering at his funeral the members of our family were, for a time, more closely united with one another and with the deeper wisdoms of life than we had been for quite some time. We felt our kinship, and the transitory nature of life. We considered the legacy of the one lost, and wondered what essence of worth and goodness we ourselves would leave behind. We searched for that worth in a history too often filled with days of mundane business and busyness. And for a brief time we connected with each other, and deeper truths about love, and service to others, and humility, and faith.
But soon we returned to our mundane affairs, our busyness, our separations, our self-absorbed pursuits. My wisdom is this: live a good life today; give and receive selfless love; serve others – so that when you come to a time of reflection you can say: “I have made good choices. I have lived, and loved, and been loved, and served others well.” It will make all the difference.
Treat others with dignity and respect even when it is most difficult. Honor their wishes. Your heart will then be at peace no matter the outcome.
10 Tips for a Happy Life:
1) Always be honest; you then won’t need to remember what you said.
2) Pay attention to the task at hand, no matter what is said, you know you’ve done/given due to the work .
3) Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
4) Plan ahead. Cook in quantity so there’s always dinner. Start planning early for the holidays.
5) In the course of completing a task, a better/alternate way is sometimes discovered.
6) Make do with what you have or if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
7) Learn the simple way of doing things that way you’re not left in the lurch.
8) Look around you and see the magic/beauty in nature. Enjoy.
9) Read, read, read. Never stop learning.
10) Be honest and respectful in all things.
Life and everything in it is a gift from the infinite mind;
and the only way that life can go wrong is by the limited finite mind.
I was lucky enough to have met the most wonderful human being during my last year of college (back in 2009, I am now 25). This person was my 78 year old scuba diving instructor (who has completed all 10 dives with us that summer and ranks nationally in rowing competitions.)
Over the years, he has been a friend, a mentor and a role model. We would meet once a week just to catch up, share funny stories, have life talks, have dinner, and sometimes go to Home Goods and walk out with a ridiculous amount of knick knacks for the house just because. It’s my version of Tuesdays with Morrie, if you can picture Morrie to be a 6’2, scruffy, strong but sensitive type. As someone who is at least five decades my senior, it is amazing to see his positivity and naivete to life despite all of what he has endured, including: the loss of his wife and two grown sons, his house having burned down, and having been held at gunpoint in his own home.
What I find remarkable about Doc (the name he goes by) is his ability to wake up in the morning and treat it like it’s a whole new day. To find happiness and joy in the little things like which flavor of ice cream goes best on a waffle cone, buying a life size teddy bear to put on his front porch (everyone who drives by probably thinks he’s completely lost it), and having all sesaons of Two and Half Men on dvd. At 25 years of age, I learn more, from him, on a single day than the following experiences COMBINED: my failed two and a half year relationship with a man whom I almost married, all my four years of college and my first two shitty jobs post college.
Happiness is a choice. It’s a conscious choice you make, daily. It’s hard. It requires some effort but like anything else, you train your mind to look at what’s working and not on what’s not. And I think that’s pretty wise.
I was not yet ten years old when Supermarkets began to take hold in my Brooklyn neighborhood. My mother was a long-term customer of the corner grocery store.I remember asking her why she did not shop at the new A&P? She responded ,Joe( the owner) was very good to me during the Depression. He carried me on credit many times.I cannot abandon him in his time of need.She remained with Joe until he closed the business.My mother taught me a very valuable lesson. Allegiance!
1. Be honest, responsible, and respectful in all things
2. Treat others as you would have them treat you.
3. Treat others with dignity and respect even when it is most difficult.
4. Don’t blame others.
5. Don’t complain.
6. Don’t yeld.
7. Look at the positive things others do. Not the negative ones.
Perhaps, more of a question than a learned lesson:
I’m 55, grew up in the years of transition to improved women’s rights. Very little my Dad or Mom taught me as a child what it meant to be a man, husband or father seems relevant. The school yard talk as a kid was very representative of the confusion with the boys commonly saying “No wife of my will ever work” and the girls saying anything a boy can do a girl can do. Seems neither was exactly true. As a Dad that worked from home and took care of the kids, my perspective is that it in only sort of true. My wife did not find fulfillment in the workplace and I was not completely qualified to take care of our 3 kids, all born withing 3 1/2 years.
I think we all lost something in the transition to equality. Perhaps kids most of all. Most of us sat in the middle of the bid debates as the fringe from either side set the course. We didn’t talk about how to make thing work, what the contribution of unpaid work was, the value of community. family, or even considered reducing the workweek to fewer hours. We started having kids later in life. Of all the things my kids know more than my grandparents, very little is of much importance.
This is a tremendous project, but at times I feel like with the passing of my grandparents and parents we have lost something very valuable and important and we don’t even have the knowledge that is was ever there. It’s not that we don’t miss it, we worship consumption, efficiency, business and profit. Shopping won’t fill the void.
I can make my bit work for my kids, but little in life happens within these four walls.
So what did we, as families and a culture lose? What changes can we make to improve?
Ideas?
When I was 50 my husband died. of cancer. 10 years later my youngest son of 32 died,. A few yrs after that, my oldest son 41 died. However,my youngest left me a most precious gift – a granddaughter who soon will be 21. After he died I contacted a wonderful woman who gave me the tools to see the positive things in life. I used to see life through the glass half empty, now it is full! I am grateful for my wonderful granddaughter. I am grateful for having a roof over my head, food on the table and wonderful friends. I am grateful for being in good health and having the means with which to travel. No matter what life throws you, there is always something for which to give thanks and a lesson to be learned from the difficult times in our lives. Live in the moment with no regrets about the past. We all did the best we could with the tools and knowledge we had at the time. Stay connected with community and friends. Because I know what it is like to lose a loved one, I now volunteer in a palliative care residence. It is such an honor to be by the side of a person whose body is leaving this earth. As we get older, perhaps we are not able to do things like we used to but doing whatever we can to the best of our ability and truly LIVING before we die is what counts. (I will be 69 in June – still young!)
Dear Folks
I have a question not a lesson. I think I am in the middle of learning a lesson and wonder if any of you have wisdom to share.
I am 71, a widower for 12 years, the father of four sons and fond of women. Just before Christmas I received a phone call from my first love with whom I had not been in contact in over 40 years. The ensuing two conversations knocked our socks off, metaphorically speaking. I want us to meet and see what we shall see face to face but there is a catch: she is married and has been for a long time. She describes the marriage as never happy but says she has no intention of leaving. The conventional wisdom found on the internet is for me to high tail it out of there and, when I was younger, I probably would have. But now that I have less time left, I have more patience to wait and see what life or god is trying to tell me. Any thoughts offered kindly would be appreciated.
Peter
I share your sense of loss at valuable heritage that is vanishing but it is possible to bring these things back to life. For example, religion and spirituality which were were fundamental to our ancestors. Like many of my generation (early 70s)I turned my back on all that because I found it hollow and empty. For most of my life, I remained closed to the possibility there was anything there for me but in the past few years I have begun to change and now entertain the thought that god and I might develop a relationship. I think this has happened because I have thrown overboard much of what I was taught about god as a child and simply opened my heart to a loving presence in the universe. As the great American writerpsychologist Robert Coles wrote, “I have no fewer doubts than when I was young but they matter less.” Just one small example that our heritage does not have to disappear. Best wishes. Bob Miller
Always be yourself. Those who do not accept you, are not meant to walk with you through the journey of life.
Look I am not religious in any way however then ten commandments that the main religions should follow are I think an ideal way to which we should all aim to live our lives. If we all followed these principals what a peaceful world and inner beauty and happiness we would all have.
I need to share my marriage strategy that has worked very well for me. I hope it can benefit others.
Like all of our spouses mine is imperfect. We have 2 now adult sons. Early on my wife made it clear that I was only here for heavy lifting and a pay check. I struggled against that at first. But twice she took me to our clergy and I was informed I was to love her as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her. I took that to heart and worked hard at always being a submissive, cheerful servant.
As our sons passed into their teenage years they came to despise me as the “home idiot” though I am the only source of income. I’m very competent and well thought of at work and my income is three times the average in our location. We live in an upper middle class neighborhood. So based on our cultural metrics I’m “successful”. I bring this up to point out that I am not the “village idiot”. My now adult sons are still frustrated with me because I’m always a happy, submissive person, and clearly not the model of macho man they see in our culture.
With all that in mind the way I stay happy is by containing each area of my life. I will call this a box. When I am home I have out my cheerful, helpful, subservient box. When I go out with by best buddy I get to close that box and open the “this is really me” box. We laugh, make fun of each other, solve world problems, visit with friends we meet, and have a great time. I also get out this box when I travel by myself or do my hobbies. At work I have my serious, no nonsense, competent, but affable box open.
Most of my male friends tell me that they would divorce or did divorce a wife who treated them the way mine treats me. But, I didn’t want to end my marriage over something I found I could manage.
The net effect is that I’m a really happy almost 60 year old. My wife is happy and healthy. My sons are as happy as 20 somethings can be. I would encourage anyone who is “blocked” by an important relationship to use the box method.
My box method pretty much springs from the profound Serenity prayer that AA uses.
I want them to know my feeling but I don’t want them to do anything about it … sound impossible
As a child I spent a great deal of time with my grandparents. Of the many things they shared with me was a sense of family history. I treasured their stories in my mind and heart. I am now in my 70s and have been videotpaing life stories for over 35 years. You can only imagine the experiences people have shared with me, and their famlies. I turned a hobby into an international business selling a cd download helping people to videotape their own family story forever. The cd is found on the web google: video life history, my living legacy. I owe so much to my grandparents. They showed me how to care and share.
You only have one life. So choose the path wisely, but dont let the path choose you. You know where you want to be, and how you want to live your life. No one else can take that away from you.
You know, I’ve often wondered, as many of you have, why?
We chose to adopt our one and only son. From birthing to adulthood, we had him. We his parents, have been married 28+ years, normal home, normal problems, normal money issues, Church, picket fence, little dog, vacations, and on and on. Normal, right? Until 16, he is now 24 and seems to be in self destruction mode. Along with destrying us too. We love him beyond definition, but beer, drugs, money, girl friends, and laziness just showed up, and changed him forever, at least thats what we think. Our hearts are broken to say the least. I know there are no clear answers, but we have beaten ourselves up a million times in the last 8 years. We finally ordered him to get out, we assured him we love him no matter what, and we will be here short of death when he realizes that he is the one with the problem, and wants to have a relationship with us. Hurt? You bet, but we have to move on, and hope he comes back to us. This is written easily, but years of pain to get to this point needed to be done to save our lives. If this can in any way help somebody else, then the post is worth it.
There are many important things that we all learn during life, and in our digital worlds it’s easy to lose these lessons.
Take the time to teach your children what you’ve learned, and find ways to record and share your life lessons.
Perhaps someone can benefit from them some day.
OUR SPOT IN THE WORLD
The Problem with “ACCEPTING” our SPOT in the world in pecking or whichever order the world proclaims, prefers, agrees on, preaches or promotes is the following:
1.Because WE have accepted our SPOT based on all the external proof that we are now exhibiting or have exhibited in the past..we expect EVERYONE ELSE to adhere to the “ORDER GUIDELINES” too. In fact we can have quite militant expectations of adherence . let’s kid ourselves not dahlings!!!!!
2. God forbid if we are unhappy with our spot and too chicken to accept it…or have stifled ambitions….or heck are just our plain egotistical selves..we would hate the guts of everyone who is in or is trying to be in a better spot than where the “generally agreed to guidelines would have them be”. We could be aggressive or genteel about it.
Perhaps the only way out is to NOT RESERVE A SPOT FOR OURSELVES to start with.
This is a meta-lesson that subsumes, or resolves the apparent contradictions between, many others:
Love truth = get real.
a. “Be honest” also with/about yourself. Many of us believe what we LIKE, whether it’s true or not; we all need to believe what’s true, whether we like it or not! Admit/embrace your idiosyncrasies/individuality, face your fears. If you don’t, you’ll rather hang on to self-serving delusions (ego) than learn something important, and your closest family will suffer the most. No denial, no blaming other people solely for having a problem with you. What you don’t know & your always-good intentions don’t make them wrong. Get real.
b. Mind over matter. (Large statement:) The human brain exists to understand/predict indirect consequences, make unpleasant decisions, and act AGAINST simplistic instincts. (If instincts were sufficient, thinking would be no use.) So mind over matter – as long as you’ve properly assessed the (probabilities of) costs & benefits first. Be realistic, neither fearful nor pure-hopeful. The back-stop “expert lesson” is that there’s a limit to mind-over-matter: you can’t endure some things/people/behaviors forever no matter how hard you try, so in such cases, demand change and/or give up sooner than later. The hard part is, knowing what you’re willing/able to endure = more reality.
c. Special case of “mind over matter”: Never shoot yourself in the foot (even if someone else wants you to). (Not saying you should be selfish.)
d. Nobody’s perfect, understood as a fact, not as an excuse. Everyone has fears, blind spots, idiosyncrasies, a “stubbed toe” from their childhood, desire to humiliate others to prop themselves up…
i. Be humble. You don’t know what-all you don’t / can’t know about yourself. Like my brother’s in-laws said to me once, “Yes, you 50-year-old whipper-snappers think you know a thing or two…”
ii. Forgive your parents, for they too had imperfect parents.
iii. Love your neighbor as yourself / be compassionate / the Golden Rule.
e. (Fear of) embarrassment is not something to be avoided at all costs-to-yourself. Nobody else is so perfect that they deserve that much power over you.
Relationship priorities nearest-first, a.k.a. “circles of concern”: spouse/partner, before children, before extended family and friends, before “what will people think”, before business/local/state/national/international politics. Especially the “spouse/partner before children” part, because
(a) if you’re not hoping you’ll still have your spouse/partner long after the children have left, you’re exploiting him/her, and
(b) whichever spouse gets this wrong will destroy the partner-relationship.
Children specialize in figuring-out and exploiting whichever parent will best butter the children’s bread, while the children neither know nor care that they’re driving wedges between their parents. If (more-indulgent) parent A puts the children’s wants/wishes before parent B’s, parent A will relentlessly undermine parent B, and parent B will be ignored, side-stepped, disliked, and finally despised and ostracized. The whole dynamic is inevitable, spouse A is entirely responsible for it while spouse B cops all the damage, but don’t bother trying to explain that to spouse A, because s/he’s “by far the better parent” (seeing it from the child’s perspective, which is exactly the problem).
It is natural for families and friends to grow apart with time. The answer to suffering caused by that is to focus more on one’s own needs and getting one’s life more in order. Sincerely focus on that and you will be surprised at the happiness you find. Always be open with love to anyone who reaches out to you. A friend in need is a friend indeed! But DO NOT depend on others for support of any kind. You came into this world alone you will leave it alone. There is no other way to think if you want find real fulfillment and happiness. That is the way of life. Acept it.
If you cut corners doing anything in life, be prepared you’ll have to deal with it, most likely in a magnified form, later. Sometimes a lot later.
Don’t take the easy route when the right thing to do is to go the long & thorny one. You’ll be sorry, if you do.
I am also a heartbroken mother. I have no words to explain the pain a mother goes through when an adult child get stranged. I have 2 adult children and both are difficult with me; the girl has been a trouble and hates me. I know I wasn’t the best mother in thee world but I m sure I did the best that I had at hand. My daughter doesn’t allow I see my grandson who was born in my home and I helped as mich as I could her with the child. He’s 6 yrs old and since she moved out I cannot see both of them. I only rely in god to change this picture. I have even so depressed because of this situation. I cannot see light at the end of the tunnel. I fell I lost everything. My pain in unbearable.
Advice: When retired, move to the same city as your child.
My Mom is 92 and my Dad is 94. They moved to live in the same city as me after Dad retired at age 66. Looking back, they say it was the best decision of their lives to move to the same city as their only child. When they moved, they were still young enough to re-establish themselves in a new neighborhood and church. They also made many wonderful new friends. Importantly, their move allowed them to enjoy interacting with two grandsons as they were growing up. Two years ago, they needed to move into long-term care (within one month of each other) and, fortunately, share a semi-private room. Although I still work full-time, I’m able to tend to their needs and visit them often because we live in the same city. In an emergency, I could be with them in 20 minutes. However, my other observation is, do not rely on grandkids to be there for you in your old age. My sons think the world of their grandparents but the demands of their own careers and families make it so they only visit their grandparents sporadically. Both grandsons have careers in another city and it would be impossible for them to care for their grandparents the same way I can. So, for people who mourn not being involved in their grandkids lives when they are young, recognize that in the long term even devoted grandkids may be absent. So, love your grandkids but accept that grandkids are not your defense against loneliness in old age.