We are gathering advice from elders who lived through the Great Depression and World War II on how to cope with our current crisis. The Legacy Project is devoted to collecting and sharing elder wisdom, and we’d love to hear from you about how younger people can stay well and hopeful. Please share your lesson in the comment box below. Feel free to share your own wisdom, or advice that an elder shared with you.
(We have shared some lessons for living through a crisis after the comments box.)
Push the envelope. Challenge yourself. Never accept “good enough.” Always strive to exceed expectation. Failure is nothing more than a result that can always be improved upon. We are what we believe ourselves to be. “Roosevelt was the greatest president this country every had, and I’m talking about Teddy!” These are the thoughts and words of the great Earnest Poletti, my high school speech and debate teacher, who helped a young, awkward, shy freshman set on a path that has led to a great career and a great life. Mr. Poletti passed away in 2007 in Ripon, California at the age of 92. Mr. Poletti was my mentor well beyond high school, helping me with sage advice through my undergraduate and graduate years and well beyond. Coaching multiple championship teams at Ripon High School from 1937 through 1960 and at Tracy High School from 1961-1978, Mr. Poletti imparted his incredible wisdom and sage advice to scores of us eager to learn. The two most valuable skills I have as a professional manager, writer and professor are the ability to quickly organize my thoughts (extemporaneous and impromptu speech) and the ability to speak in public (debate and Lincoln-Douglass debate). Mr. Poletti coached me to a state title, a forensics scholarship and a life full of passion for learning and the desire to pass that desire on to the next generation. Of all the lessons I learned from this great man, the greatest life lesson to pass on to the next generation is that you must strive to learn as much as possible and then freely share that knowledge with everyone you share this journey through life with. I am 51 years of age this week.
From the first time you have a job and retirement account take the following action for EVERY raise you get. Immediately arrange direct deposit for 20% of the upcoming raise amount into your retirement account. Do this before you get the additional money in your hand to spend. Then NEVER touch your retirement account prior to retirement. Thanks to that advice from my Dad I am comfortably retired and survived the recession.
1. Never take NO for an answer.
2. Live by the rule: It’s better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission.
3. Always say PLEASE and THANK YOU.
4. Laughter and a positive, upbeat attitude will get you through anything. Anything.
5. Do what you love doing and share it with others.
6. Everything’s great ’til something goes wrong, so enjoy it all while you can, then sort out the crap later on.
My grandma always tells me that, ” If you have money problems, then you don’t have problems.”
Going on to explain that to fix my money problems, I will in time have the money I need.
Then points out that I should be thankful that I have a healthy, loving family who loves Jesus Christ.
Meaning, to be ill (by disease, hunger etc…), surrounded by unhealthy relationships or to be an unsaved person are true problems.
My dad gave me the best advice I have ever received. He said you may go through decades of your life where you think you are not going to make it. These will be times you are suffering, in pain, health problems and maybe bad relationships. You may be convinced your life won’t improve, but it can and it will. My dad’s statement was prophetic. There was a period of fifteen years I didn’t think I would survive. Nearly every problem you can imagine was dumped on me, and I had no one to help me survive them. However, inexplicably things got better. Some of the improvement involved my making some changes and others just happened naturally. Don’t ever give up on life. Life is a beautiful journey. Who are you to say that the most painful thing in your life might not be the most poignant thing at your death. It very well might be! Life is for living and every tree, leaf, person, object is filled with wonder if we would just open our eyes and see. Try to live in the present moment. Focusing on the past or the future is to distort the present moment. So try to just experience every moment in its simplicity and beauty and just wait and see what life has to give you. You will be surprised!
A great deal of unhappiness comes from people walking around with the idea that they are infallible and unaccountable. Humor, especially self-deprecating humor is the greatest grace.
Really folks. Pay attention to Grammy. All this resentment ‘stuff’, is like a big boat anchor that nobody bothers to pull up when they want to set sail. It just slows you down. Stay positive and focus on making yourself the best person you can be.
I asked my 91-year-old father if he had any regrets about his life. His answer: it wasn’t anything that he did that he has regrets about, it’s the things he didn’t do that he regrets. The things he wanted to do, the things he wanted to try, but didn’t. His message to me was that it was OK to take risks and try something new. The only failure is in not trying.
A few years I realized that as a forty-year old I would love to give my twenty-year old self some advice. I then recognized that I should ask some elders their advice so that I don’t have the same desire to give myself advice at forty when I am an elder. I questioned about ten elders. Every single one said “save your money.”
I have learned that one should listen to and read the books of people who have accomplished much in their lives. This I think is the most important lesson of life I have learned. I am 31.
When I got my first real job, I had more money and less responsibility. That is the time when $200 to $400 a month is the easiest to put away. I have a friend who’s father insisted that he buy property when he got his first job. And, it was paid off by the he was in his thirties.
I learned the most valuable lesson from my mother. She’s in her early fifties. She was diagnosed of cancer(last phase) and has been fighting with her cancer for a couple of years. From her, I learned that life is short that we need to live everyday to the best and make sure that we do the important things that are meaning to us. Also, I learn to express my love to her more verbally as I want to make sure that she knows that I care about her and I’m always here to support her.
Part of living is learning to accept and understand that things change. As children we learn to play without realizing that there may be difficulties that need to faced in times that lay ahead and it is going to be alright. Someone once said that “If you do what you always did, then you will get what you always got.” So, if you want things to happen differently then it may take changing conceptions and life styles. However, there are certain human needs that are constant. One of them is the concept of “play.” As children we can easily write down about 10 activities that we love to do and can often remember the last time that we participated. We enjoyed being with friends, roller skating, sledding, playing games with family, jumping rope, etc. It is interesting that when adults are asked, they tend to have difficulty in listing 10 things that they love to do, much less when they last did the fun activity. Play is an essential. Many times marriages end because couple tend to stop playing. Friendships end because folks get sidetracked with responsibilities and lose touch. Family life becomes mundane when the parents and children omit family chat around the dinner table that leads to listening and laughing. Their time to play as a family can define their love for one another and add to positive memories. Having fun through plan remains with us from birth to death.
I am a Cornellian, class of 1950. There is a video series called “The Wisdom of Elders Across America” started by a filmmaker named Jamie Spooner. I am included in it. Some of the many videos in this series may be found at icarevillage.com. I was a founder of the second wave of the women’s movement and talk about that on one of the videos; in another, I talk about my experiences in being a breast cancer survivor since 1990.
my other great-grandmothers’ advice was along the lines of “don’t eat junk food” and “don’t get involved in anybody else’s business.” both valid points.
The lesson I have learned was from my last sister’s life. She was born with Down Syndrome and died at the age of 63. She wasn’t suppose to “make it” past the age of 18 but her strength and the love of her family helped her live a longer life. I grew up believing God must be cruel giving us a sister that had the mind of a small child, never able to achieve more in life but after reading how author Sylvia Browne claimed in one of her books that all people born with Down Syndrome was the closest thing we have on earth as angels. As she said, they are so pure, unlike majority of people in this world, so called “normal” people, these angels have no ego, they don’t lie, cheat or steal, they don’t abuse others including animals, they don’t hate anyone for their race or beliefs, they live every day in “the moment” as we all should. All they want is to give and to receive LOVE. That’s it. LOVE. They are our teachers and I wish more people would look at anyone with a disability as a angel sent from God.
I’ve been very interested in these questions as I’ve interviewed my 95-year-old mother about her life, hoping to articulate the lessons she’s learned for her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren (and more, I hope!)
One lesson she’s repeated that wasn’t in your list (of 10, anyway) is to do all we can to keep our family relationships together and strong. she’s seen too many families split over some small quibble or greviance that it pains her; she’s gratified that we siblings are still friends, still enjoy doing things together even without her, and hopes that our children’s families can do the same. Invest in relationships, especially the important family ones: they’re far more valuable than ‘things’.
Hello Brent,
That’s a terrific insight. And although I didn’t include it in the list of 10, it is one of the five major lessons in the child-rearing chapter in my book (30 Lessons for Living). I termed this lesson “Avoid the Rift” – some of the unhappiest elders I interviewed had experienced exactly what you describe with a child. That is, a small quibble or fight turns into a life-long split. The elders also give tips for avoiding these kinds of rifts.
So your mother is definitely on the right track with this lesson!
A valuable lesson learned from close elders is: “Mind your own business”.
You will be happier, less worried and less disappointed if you focus on how you can be a better person rather than telling someone else how to do things or behave. A person may not find their way if someone is always getting in it!!
(My personal quote).
Growing up in India, and now living in the US has given me various perspectives to life. Something that I have learnt from my elders back in India by just reflecting on how they led their lives through tough times is by “making things work”. I always heard my father say ” Hope is not a strategy” and “walking out of marriage/relationship is the easy way out”. I can see this applying to all walks of life and this is something we all know but do we follow it?Do we take the easy way out? My take away from our elders is: Make things work with what you have, as minimal as possible, be it life, money (have you heard about jugaad?), relationships. Life is not as complicated as we make it to be.
Eat the food your parents ate, and fed you when you were young.
Remember how fit you were as a child? The whole grains, fresh vegetables, pulses and herbs, including spices, are geared towards good health. Example: Turmeric is a natural antibiotic. A pinch of turmeric in hot water with sea salt makes for a great gargle. In the whole business of calorie counting and processed rush hour caffeine laden drinks, alcohol and junk, we’ve forgotten to “go green and go whole”.
Something Important I Learn From My Elders
Something important and useful I learn from my elders is to be independent and to let things fly by. So as I was growing up my mom would tell me to treat people how you will want to be treated and don’t depend on no boy , and work for what you want and need. My aunt and other family members always tell me to be myself don’t change for nobody and be a leader not a follower, so my older friends be telling me how life going to be when I get up there, and when I get older enough to pay my bills and get kids.
SOMETHING IMPORTANT I LEARNED FROM MY ELDRS/PARENTS ?
Something I learned from my elders is to always be my self and to never follow others and to always go for what you wanna do in life for example I wanna be a hair stylist and a actress, and my mom always told me if I wanted to do that I would have to go for not sit around and wait for it to happen because it wont, I took that to the heart and now im going for what I need to be going for, the reason my elders teach me these things is because they don’t want their kids or who ever has a dream to waist it if you got talent go for it. Another thing my mom said is to always be you self to never care what anybody say and to never be a follower, being your self will get you any where you want to go.
My elders I have in my life are good to me and every one they teach me how to be a very confident and smart and neat person, to love those who love me and always to be there for your family and friends give them a shoulder to lean on when they need and to always remember family comes first no mater what
I think elder person always be wise, because they was face many trouble in their life, and they was solve that problem many thing as possible, so they often know how to react the problem in the life, so when I in the trouble, I always like to ask my grandfather for help.
My grandfather was a fisherman, when he is young. He was told me a story about his life, I think his purpose is to teach how important to study and learn in the school.
The story is about his young life, he said: once upon time he was in the elementary school (at my grandfather’s period only few people
Was go to school, because the school is expensive to the most family in china), he wasn’t how lucky he was and how nice is his parent, he just waste his time in playing, few years later he is out the school, since he not go to pay attention, another few years pass he was became a fisherman, cause he knows nothing, also beside him most his classmate was take the nice and easy job, he think he is sinful, cause he not understand his parent. This story was deep mean to me, and I never going to forget it.
1) don’t sweat the small stuff
2) it’s all small stuff
To live a full life it is important to get your priorities right. Most important is your relationship with God. If you do not have God’s peace in your life, you are not living fully. Next in importance, is your relationship with your family. If you are not placing your family’s well being before your own selfish interests, you will be missing out on a wonderful family life. Last on the list, is the relationship you have with yourself. You need to be honest and as objective as possible with yourself. Listen to other people’s comments and complaints about you. Don’t just brush them off. These comments are like mirrors reflecting back on you. Think about these reflections and always strive to improve yourself. Keep love in your heart and always carry the willingness to forgive with you no matter what the circumstances are in your life.
I had the epiphany at ten years old that I was going to die some day. That singular thought has motivated all but two decisions I have made throughout my lifetime. I didn’t go to Japan as a foreign exchange student when I was in college because I was afraid to be away from home for one whole year, and I never went to New Zealand during the filming of “The Lord of the Rings” despite an open invitation from the executive producer, because I didn’t think I could afford it. I deeply regret BOTH of those decisions, so if an opportunity drops in my lap, I’m going take it, because you never know if you will ever have the chance to do it again. I’ve also learned that there are worse things than failing, that each day is a gift, and that you don’t get the chance to do any of it again, so why NOT take chance
Start each day with a thank you, be it through prayer, meditation or simple message to the universe. Smile! it’s hard to be upset when you’re smiling…even if it’s a fake smile, the brain cannot decern between real or fake smiles or laughter…so smile and laugh often. Love…love your family, your pets, your friends and life!
Don’t fixate on past mistakes or happenings. They are past and can’t be changed. Figure out the lesson learned and move on. Always face forward not backwards.
Act through your fears as a matter of practice or your life will be circumscribed by them: introduce yourself, apply for jobs, approach the unapproachable, act independently, be silly, attempt everything, start a movement, make incremental progress through the most odious tasks, tell the truth, say ‘no’, say ‘yes’, say ‘I don’t know”, walk the untrodden path, but if it makes sense walk the trench. Look at your choices and say, “what would I do if I was unafraid?” Take steps to minimize certain risk, and then ACT. This is just as important to do when it comes to saying no to sitting on the couch, as it is when it comes to a matter of life or death.
a major influence in my love “of life is my love of learning…..I have always felt “high’ when I add to my knowledge in whatever category it may be and for most of my 84 years I have never been without participating in a class or group learning, as in a pc club. Or a writer’s group.
I also love my solitude. A very necessary need for my own space.
Educating ones self when catastrophic events happen as they will in most lives and seeking others that have experienced that specific trauma. Not that misery loves company but that there is instant bonding if the experience is an uncommon one.
And the serenity prayer is one of my favorite mantras, I also am naturally a very physical as well as spiritual creature. Life is about more than just survival — it is about finding your bliss, a la Joseph Campbell.
m l cadrecha
To develop and nurture your intimate relationships to me is the core of life’s joys, loving and being loved, and sharing in the smallest delights: the night sky lit by a full moon, a cardinal flying near your bird feeder, a fascinating news story, a beautiful painting,, a delicate movement of a Schubert string quartet.
And then having the opportunity to share this with our children and grandchildren and seeing the river of life continue. Nurturing our family members to strive to work in an area that makes each of them happy is also important to me.
These are the elements that I cherish . And as I age, I try to cherish each day and celebrate each joy, recognizing what is important and ignoring/ minimizing what is not. I am 70 year old and have been in a wonderful, intimate, dedicated marriage for 51 years.
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My dear grandmother, who lived to the age of 93 was a major influence in my life.
She was incredibly giving and loving and had the unique capacity to love with her whole heart each and every family member, equally and unconditionally. She made each member of the family feel so very special, admiring and praising our strengths and accomplishments, rather than focusing on our weaknesses. She taught us by example, about being thoughtful, accepting, and giving. She was loved and cherished by every grandchild, their spouses and all of her great grandchildren. She taught me by the importance of embracing, accepting and loving each new member of the family ( in-laws included). So often family unhappiness and rifts are created by parents and in-laws not loving and respecting their children’s choices of life partners. I am grateful for her wisdom.
Approach to life’s moments of great tragedy:
My sister lost her son in a tragic accident. Those who loose children or suffer some similar tragedy, speak a ‘language’ that is unique to them. After years on the road after her son’s death she said: “For years I have searched for happiness, now i search for peace”.
Happiness, she would explain, was for her a fleeting guest, whereas ‘peace’ was more stable and more helpful companion.
Beneath the surface of so many lives their is a restlessness that is too often ignored. Daily live, throws very frequently, in our face the ‘unpleasantries’ of life. Peace, indeed is a great gift but has to be fought for!
My mother is 88 years young. She has the best attitude and is constantly happy. I don’t know how she does it! I think she should be interviewed for your project. I just heard about it on WGN radio driving home from work. I think that this is a wonderful idea. Despite the fact that she took care of my ailing father for several years, has lost a relationship with a son, she never ceases to seek out others and seems to love all people. I wish I could be more like her.
As Abraham Lincoln said, “I think most people are about as happy as they decide to be”, and I decided a long time ago that being happy and content beat the hell out of the alternative. ACCEPTANCE is the name of the game. The Buddhists (I am one) preach “being here, now” and it is the best advice. GRATEFUL is the other feeling that is crucial to well being. I have been through the ups and downs of life and remain glad to be alive.
At some point in Life, we all realize that we have more living behind us than in front of us, but so what? We still have today and tomorrow. Let’s not waste them. There’s still time to fulfill some of the “could’ve, would’ve, should’ve” dreams and goals of our lives. We should not let them just hang around our necks like albatrosses. Let’s take another gander at them and work on some of them a little, remembering that whatever we do doesn’t have to be perfect…it just has to be. I bet you can think of something right now you could put the finishing touches on. Mine is a story. What’s yours?
As a mother my advice for my children and the younger generation is simple. Never leave for tomorrow what you can do today. Never hesitate to tell the people you love that you love them and why they are important to you. Remember this quote (sent to me by younger son and posted on my refrigerator door) and from the movie “Strictly Ballroom”: “A life lived in fear is a life half-lived.”
My most cherished memory is the train ride from South Dakota to Wisconsin when I was 4.
My most important value from my parents was honesty.
My greatest achievement is taking is taking care of foster children-32 in 10 years
My best lesson is to trust people and forgive.
A tradition was to get together with family.
I want to be rembered as a good caring person, a loving wife, and mother.
I am 61 years old. I have seven brothers and we all had a sister, of course we all had the same sister. I am a middle child so some of my brothers are in their late 70’s. Of all of us my sister is the only one to to have passed away. She died of leukemia when she was 50 yrs old. My parents were still alive but it was then that I saw what true courage was.
Recently I read that people who lose their spouses are called widow or widowers. People who lose their parents are called orphans. But their is no word for parents who lose a child because there is no way to express it.
My Dad lived to be 82 and my Mom passed away a few years ago at 95 yrs old. My lesson is a quote from her that I dearly love, “You can complain or you can have friends but you can’t do both”. She was a great example of that in the face of lots of heartache and trial.
Thank you! These are wonderful. I’m at #32. Too much to take in all at once!
I heard Dr. Karl Pillemer on Coast to Coast am and I have to say that i’ve learnt a lot from some elders. I’m a young lady at 18 years of age and i’m one that doesn’t get along with people my age but on a regular basis I go out to different places like pubs and so on with the same older men all the time, and whom are around the age of 58. I think they are facinating to hear talk and i’ve noticed that they seem to be a lot more negative. The older men that i’ve talked to, all seem to be more close minded but they know how to have a fun time as well with their peers and so on. But I find it strange that the only people I can get along with are men in their 50’s plus and i’ve learnt a great amount from being around them and that when your young you have an unlimited amount of opportunity as long as you work hard at something.
Regarding your Ask Amy letter on the five tips for a long and happy marriage, the one on “forget about changing someone after marriage” suggests one that is as important as the others: “Know how to change yourself.” In my own case, I undertook a long slow process of introspection in order to get a handle on my faults, of which I had many; and then to modify my personality so as to eliminate these faults. With the help of my wife, who, at my request, pointed out examples of my negative behavior, I have been successful at accomplishing significant improvements; although I am still a work in progress. My wife, on the other hand, had her own faults, that, unfortunately, she brought into our marriage. My pleadings notwithstanding, she stubbornly refuses to do anything; I have given up trying. The result has been a corrosive effect on our marriage, so that it is all but destroyed. What is required for a marriage to thrive is for each partner to be not only committed, as you point out, but to be dedicated and to do the necessary hard work that it sometimes takes.
“How to Realize Your Dreams with the One You Love.” That was the short essay I wrote after my husband, Jack, and I took off on an adventure in 1988 to buy a barge in France and convert it to a charter barge for 4 passengers. It was stressful, to say the least, with renovating the barge, learning to maneuver a 90 foot vessel, adapting to a foreign culture and language and being cheerful and capable for our guests. It was also a blissful time of learning to work together in a practical yet loving way. We learned lessons that serve us to this day. 1. Be respectful of the other even if we don’t agree. 2. Don’t take emotional outbursts personally. 3. Always listen to the other’s point of view. 3. Have fun and enjoy the journey. 4. Stay focused on the goal. 5. Celebrate the highs and share the lows. I could go on and on. Thanks for the opportunity to remember this after all these years.
I read a news article about 10[?] suggestions gleaned from your project and found myself in complete agreement. Elaine [BSN, Cornell Nursing, ’53; BA, Biol. and English ’70 and MA, English ’73, Bemidji State Univ.] and I met at Cornell when she was a freshman coed [two non-pc terms now] in Fall ’48, and had celebrated 58 years when she died during Christmas break, 2010.
Is there a way I can send two articles about us that I published in my monthly column in our daily, The Bemidji Pioneer?
I have been a widow for almost 10 years now and it was hard to go own after the death of your soul mate. Very hard to talk to your friends and they always say I’m sorry about your husband why don’t everyone try to cheer them up and do thing together that don’t remind her of her husband and maybe she can go on with her life. It is so hard to change your life not to include your loved one. You know laughter is good for you. a smile from a friend a funny joke any thing that you think will cheer them up. I have tried this on a friend who recently lost his wife and my good friend and it works. seriously yall
I will be 84 years this month, and am proud of it. I have 8 daughters and one son, 17 grandchildren. I lived in Asia for 10 years altogether when my husband worked for the CIA. However since he spent years in Vietnam, I was raising the children alone.
He died of cancer in 1980, and I moved from Annapolis to Sullivan Co., NY, a total leap into the blue, with two youngest. Five daughters were living in Manhattan then. I basically live alone, but am active in community. For 26 years secretary to our Civic Assn., which has accomplished an amazing amount, all volunteer. For 22 years I have been facilitating 3-day workshops for Alternative to Violence Project in 3 NY State prisons, a real blessing in my old age, also volunteer. I cross country ski, canoe on Delaware River, have vegetable garden, plus more. Was a trail maintainer for 20 years. I am a practicing , but critical, Catholic, feel life is to enjoy, but have a great responsibility to care for others. I could go at great length about my experience going into prison, and AVP needs volunteers! At this point in my life, I am slowing down and plan to move back to Md., where 4 of my children are, none are up here. I would welcome response.
I read the “Honor your vows” lesson of “Eugene Earnhart” as abstracted in The Week and disagree strongly with his conclusion that “Faithfulness is one of the most improtent things that people should cling to.”
Pity poor Eugene. He lives to regret what were probably some of the most exciting moments of his life. He denies his own humanity [sexuality] and espouses a standard thrust upon him by others [parents, church?].
Eugene misses the point: it is not faithfulness that matters, it is honesty. If Eugene had had the courage to be honest to his wife about his infidelities, he might have discovered that she shared the same trait [if only she too were honest enough to tell him]. And if they had done that, they may have discovered a new excitement in their own mutual sex life. He may have come to understand that his wife, like himself, enjoyed sex and was more than just a dutiful, faithful, stay-at-home.
When a Philadelphia sports team wins a championship, be sure to cherish the moment. This truly can be a once in a lifetime event!
Believe me: I feel the same way about a Buffalo team!
My mom once told me to be sure to do whatever you think you want to do NOW because when you get old you may not be able. It’s advice that I live by. If I want to do it, I do it now. I don’t wait. As a result, I have lived a very full and joyous life! If I die tomorrow, I can say, I had a blast! For example, I’ve lived in international markets – Holland & Bermuda, visited multiple countries including London, France, Belgium, and Canada, traveled across the U.S. from California to New York to Florida and Seattle; eaten foods from around the world; met people from all nationalities and walks of life; and have seen the glory of God on this earth. It really has been special, in spite of life’s most difficult moments, I have such fond memories of all those experiences. Wouldn’t change it for the world. In fact, if I’d have to really sit tight long enough to create a bucket list. Maybe I will, when I’m done living life.