I had a great time talking with Terry Jaymes yesterday on his show “Terry Jaymes Alive.” Terry has been a great supporter of the Legacy Project and has helped spread the work on the importance of elder wisdom. In the interview, we talk about key lessons learned from older people (including how they learn to “kick out the jerks” from their social lives as they age). Take a listen here – and we look forward to your comments!

As readers of this blog know, much of what we do in the Legacy Project focuses on the positive aspects of aging and the potential for growth and development in later life.

It’s also true, however, that there can be a more negative side to aging, and one of the more serious problems an older person can experience is elder abuse and neglect. Over the past two years, the Legacy Project has partnered with the New York City Elder Abuse Center on a project that trains interns in both the topics of elder abuse and in elder wisdom (you can check out past posts from the interns elsewhere on this blog).

So I was thrilled when the Elder Abuse Center invited me to do a podcast, based on my years of work in both the fields of positive aging and of elder abuse. The podcast looks at the problem of ageism in our society, and how ageism holds back attempts to create elder justice. I also got the chance to speculate about how the Legacy Project might be used in preventing ageism.

Click here to visit iTunes & download the Ageism & Elder Justice Podcast.

I’ve spent a lot of time over the past six years interviewing the oldest Americans about their lessons for living — advice they would like to pass on to future generations. As described in the book 30 Lessons for Living, the elders have outstanding advice on the “big picture” issues: love and marriage, child-rearing, choosing a career, health and of course, aging well.

Sometimes, however, I have had an epiphany from hearing a brief thought or phrase from the elders. When confronted with a work problem, a stressful event, or just the usual tension that can build up during the day, I find that the voice of one or another of the elders will come to me and help me re-think the situation. I’ve come to call these my “elder mantras.”

Here are a few of these “mantras” that I find particularly helpful, all from wise people in their 80s and beyond. They reflect some of the core elements of elder wisdom.

Swimming in the sea of life

Paul, 85, had a successful and high-powered career as an architect. After both a hectic career and personal life, he has found old age to be a time of both clarity and serenity. When asked: “What have you learned during your life that you would like to pass on to a younger person,” he said:

“I’ve learned how to swim. ”

That was a surprise, and when questioned, Paul went on:

I’ve learned how to swim. In life. I’m not a particularly good swimmer in water, but I’m a reasonable swimmer in the flow of living.

This image of learning to swim in the river of life, of going with the flow of living, is a powerful and serene image when called up during a busy day.

Let it be

This mantra comes from Sister Clare Moran, whom I interviewed shortly before her 100th birthday. (I can’t give all the details here, but believe me when I say: If you want to hear about an interesting life, sit down for a while with a 100-year old nun!)

Reflecting on her nearly 80 years in the religious life, Sister Clare pointed to doing away with worry as her lesson for younger people. Early in her career as a nun, she learned a technique for reducing worry through pursuing acceptance:

There was a priest that said mass for us, a youngish priest, very fragile and frail. Beautiful, beautiful man. He said that at a certain time of his life, something happened; he didn’t tell us what it was. I heard that he had been working on a mission and they asked him to come back to the States and it broke his heart. It must have been a very hard thing to do. And he was very angry, he just couldn’t be resigned, just couldn’t. He got back into work here, but he couldn’t get his mind off it. Just couldn’t see why it had happened.So he went to an elderly priest and he talked to him about it. He said, “What shall I do? I can’t get rid of it.” And the priest said, “Every time it comes to your mind, say this.” And the priest said very slowly, “Just let it be, let it be.” And this young man was saying it just the way the priest said it and he said, “I tried that and at first it didn’t make any difference, but I kept on. After a while, when I pushed it aside, let it be, it went away. Maybe not entirely, but it was the answer.”

Sr. Clare, one of the most serene people I have ever met, has used this technique for well over three-quarters of a century.

So many things come to your mind, now for instance somebody might hurt your feelings, you’re going to get back at him or her, well — just let it be. Push it away. So I started doing that, I found it the most wonderful thing because everybody has uncharitable thoughts, you can’t help it. Some people get on your nerves and that will be there until you die. But when they start and I find myself thinking, “Well now she shouldn’t do that, I should tell her that…” Let it be. Often, before I say anything, I think, “If I did that, then what?” And let it be. Oh, so many times I felt grateful that I did nothing. That lesson has helped me an awful lot.

A feather from an angel’s wing

Flora, 80, is a poet who writes about her love of the landscapes of the Southwest. Her approach to living is to embrace the pleasures each day can hold, and she reinforces that attitude with a daily habit. One phrase stands out as a mantra.

If I were to give any particular word of advice I would say: Go about the business of the day, hum-drum as it might be, but walk on your tip-toes waiting for the “ah-ha!” experiences. That happens when you’re going around the corner doing the normal everyday things. So be prepared for those ah-ha experiences that may happen any time. That way, you’re always open to and watching for something different — watching for a feather from an angel wing.

It’s sorry you didn’t do…

One last mantra I carry with me is from Eleanor, who says about regrets: “Mostly it’s sorry you didn’t do than sorry you did!”

You can meet her (on video) as well as other elders sharing their wisdom.

Corrine, age 72, has been married for 46 years. Marriage has not always been easy for her, and in one difficult period she even considered leaving her husband. But her marriage was saved by one revelation: that no one else can make you happy. She went on a quest to become a happier person and that transformed her relationship. I found her advice to be beautiful and inspiring:

I think it’s a mistake to think that a person that you marry is going to make you happy.

When you’re thinking of marrying somebody, they’re going to be very exciting, very interesting, very engaging. But another person can’t make you happy. You’re either happy within yourself or you’re not. So often people have real serious marital issues because they’re unhappy and so they blame – you always blame the one you love. You think that somehow your unhappiness is caused by your spouse when you’re really not happy.

It’s that you have a discontentment with life for any number of reasons at the time. So I think  you should not look or think, “Oh, I’ll be SO happy.” Like with the Cinderella story—happily ever after. I think that’s too romantic an idea.

The thing that made a real change in my life and consequently made my marriage happier was when I had a huge midlife crisis and was actually very depressed for a period of time. I went into therapy for it. That was caused by my childhood catching up to me. You know, this is what happens to you when you get into middle age. Everything that you’ve suppressed for a long time, you think is not a bother for you. “Oh, I’m beyond that!” The chickens all come home to roost at some point. And I changed my life and my husband came along—he stuck by me. We’re much happier now because I’m a happier person and I’m so grateful to him because he didn’t give up on me.

So  you would be better off wondering: Is this the guy who I want to go through my life with? My companion in life? Rather than the guy who’s going to answer my dreams and make me happy.

If you’re considering marrying a person, you should ask: Does he bring out the best in you or the worst in you? Does he somehow inspire you to be a better person?

You know, it took me ten years before I was sure that I had married the right person. I wasn’t sure that I would be happy with him because I wasn’t sure I could be happy. But I thought he would always be interesting and he certainly brought out the best in me.

My new article on the Huffington Post just came out. In it, I discuss the surprising lack of anxiety the oldest Americans reported about death and dying. I found this very reassuring! Please let me know your feedback.