I visited Agnes, 87, in the bright sunroom of her assisted living facility. She sat upright at the table, immaculately dressed, and warmly welcomed me. I learned not to be fooled by the prim exterior. Agnes is a risk-taker and believes in living life to the fullest. Her family did not have enough money to send her to college, so she went to work as a telphone operator.

Then, on an impulse, she decided to become an airplane pilot, so that she could serve in the Women’s Airforce Service. The WAS was just being organized at that time to allow women to fly non-combat missions (and thus free up men to fly in combat). She received her license and underwent extensive training, but, the war ended before she was called up (“I cried!,” she told me).

Around this time, however, John came into the picture. Here’s Agnes’s story:

John lived around the corner from me, him and his family did, and there was one sister that I associated with, like that. And I used to go up to the house and I’d tease him even though he was six years older than we were. So we sort of grew up together.

Well, I used to go with a fellow right after  high school, name of Bob. And Bob calls me one night, and says “I can’t go to the dance tonight with you. I’ve got the measles.”  Well, I really wanted to go, and I didn’t want to go alone because it was formal and I thought, “What on earth am I going to do?” And then I said to myself:  “I’m going to ask John.” I don’t know why, but I did.  And I went up and said, “Bob’s got the measles and he can’t go to the dance, will you go with me?”  And John says, “Sure.”  We went out, had a wonderful time, and that was the start of it.

Then one day John shows up at the air field and I said, “What are you doing down here? You know you’re not supposed to come here.”  And he said, “I’m just making sure you’re enjoying yourself.”  So one of the flying instructors was there and he said to me, “Take him up.” So we went up, and then John helped me clean up the plane. Then John heads down to the instructor and right in front of me he says, “When do I start taking lessons?” Right then and there! His mother was his first passenger. That day pretty much sealed it for us.

He was an honest man, and humble. He had an injured right hand because he was burned as a baby. He could not go into WW II because of his hand. And some of the girls would say to me, “How could you go out with him with a hand like that?”  I said, “I don’t look at the hand. I look at him and he’s a good man.”  John was very calm, I’m the hyper type, and he was soothing. I’d get mad – one time I threw a dish because I was so mad at him so he picked another dish out of the cupboard and handed it to me and said, “Here, do you want another one?”

Oh, he was a good man!

According to the poet Tennyson, “in the spring a young man’s (and woman’s)  fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love.”  So  here’s another post on our elders’ asvice on marriage.

When it comes to selecting a life partner, the elders we interviewed had one very strong suggestion: Marry someone a lot like you. Opposites may attract, they told us, but they don’t necessarily make for lasting relationshps. And most important is shared values.

April Stern,71, and her husband, Steve, were married for 47 years, until Steve’s death. April is a highly respected community leader who directed several local organizations, and Steve was a well-known local psychotherapist. They were deeply in love throughout their long relationship. “I think we modeled a good marriage, our children even talked about that as being important to them,” says April.

It sounds simple, but you have to like each other. Be friends, try to get past the initial heaving and panting, and make sure there’s a real friendship underneath that. I don’t think you have to have identical interests, but you’ve got to have shared values. That is quite important. That was critical. Yeah, I think values are probably the most important thing.

And we both loved certain kinds of things. We both loved movies, good movies, and part of our courtship involved staying up all night and figuring out what an Ingmar Bergman film really meant. We both loved to read, and we loved to talk about what we’d read.

A similar sense of humor — that was a very important part of our life together. In fact, just two weeks before he died, we were talking one night, and he said something and I just dissolved in laughter, and he looked at me so self-satisfied and said, ‘I can still make you laugh after all these years!’ And he could.

Sometimes the elders had a lesson really surprised me.  When I asked them about their advice for selecting a future spouse, I didn’t expect to hear this one: Take your partner’s family into consideration!

They point out that looking at potential future in-laws carefully can be an important safeguard against making the wrong choice. And the time to ponder this issue  is before the wedding.

For Bonnie, 73, incompatibility with her husband’s family was a serious source of unhappiness.

I married someone whose family just never accepted me, and this also applied to some of the other relatives that came into the family as in-laws.  I was interested in meeting all kinds of people growing up and I didn’t grow up in a big household, so I thought this relationship with his extended family was eventually going to be very workable.  But it really wasn’t.  Once I was in the marriage, that didn’t really work out that well, and there was no way I could leave.  I think I would have been consumed by guilt at the time.  So I stayed in the marriage.

For Gloria, 77, her future husband’s family was a plus.

I liked my in laws. And I think it’s a very simple thing but I would say to somebody contemplating marriage, if there are any frictions between you and the others in the family, look at it really hard because you’re going to be together for a long time. Your children are going to intermingle and when there’s cross words, it breaks the family apart. And I learned this from him and his family. He was very considerate of them, he went to see them every Sunday afternoon for a couple of hours. And then on Wednesday night we would all meet and we would have dinner together, and I think having meals not only with your spouse when you get married is important, you need to go back and have it with other members of your family.

Phyllis, 84, supported the view that observing a future partner’s family is diagnostic of their own behavior:

I think don’t make fast decisions.  Make sure that you get to know the other person’s family because there may be some values there that you don’t realize when you’re just meeting the person.  But when you meet the family, you think oh, now is that going to be an issue?  Also, you get to observe that person with their family and how they get along with their family.  If they don’t get along with their family and they’re miserable to their family, how will they be to you?  Make sure that you get to know the person in a variety of situations.  Perhaps some of my perspective is based on of my kids, who I don’t think is married particularly well, but that was her choice. And the family, there, is part of the problem.

What are the best kinds of Christmas gifts we can give our partners? From my interviews with hundreds of long-married elders  (some happily married for a half century or more), I learned something new and different about the idea of a gift.

Think about it: Christmas comes, and if you have a reasonably sensitive partner, you wind up with a gift of some kind. But did that experience really enhance your relationship? My guess is that, overall, the effect was neutral, because we expect this kind of treatment. (It would have a very negative effect if we did not receive a holiday’s gift, but getting one simply fulfills our expectations.)

But what about these scenarios?

• You walk downstairs one morning and on the table are freshly baked blueberry muffins and a vase of daffodils from the garden.
• You’re supposed to pick up the kids after work, but your husband emails you saying he knows you’ve got a busy day so he’ll get them instead.
• You mention your interest in going to a concert you have read about—and your wife surprises you that weekend with a pair of tickets.

According to the elders, gifts are expected on official occasions—and, yes, probably necessary. But what keeps the spark alive is the unexpected—and kind—gesture. In fact, they believe there is nothing more effective in keeping a relationship warm, supportive, and fun than making a habit of doing small, positive things.

This lesson first hit me a number of years ago when I began my search for the life wisdom the oldest Americans. Antoinette, 81, told me about her marriage, which had been troubled in its early years. But through hard work, talking, and counseling, she and her husband of 55 years have attained a warm and loving relationship. When I asked her what she believed was the most important change she made, she thought for a few moments and said:

There is one practical piece of advice I have given to my children. This is just one little jewel that I passed along to them. And that’s when you wake up in the morning, think, “What can I do to make his or her day just a little happier?” The idea is you need to turn toward each other and focus on the other person, even just for that five minutes when you first wake up. It’s going to make a big difference in your relationship.

The elders strongly endorse the power of small and frequent positive actions in keeping the spark alive. They suggest we focus less on “big-ticket” items when we think of giving our mate something—often spending more than we can afford for items that may be quickly forgotten—and concentrate instead on giving small “gifts” throughout the week or the day. The build-up of these positive gestures can have a transformative impact on a marriage.

Darren Freeman, 73, discovered that the key to happiness in his marriage is “being loving and caring and doing things for the other person.” But he immediately added:

In my case it is being spontaneous. Going on trips by saying, “We are going to go out on a certain night.” Not tell them where you are going, and then you take them out to a certain place for dinner. Not necessarily overloading them with gifts during the Christmas time and so forth, but just throughout the years giving them little things, like if I notice that she has shown interest in something while we were shopping. Then going and buying that and bringing it home and saying, “Here, I got you a surprise today!”

How can you make the strategy of doing small, positive actions work for you? The elders suggest three types of gestures that, when done frequently, have a major impact on the relationship—surprises, chores, and compliments.

Surprise your partner. The power of small positive gestures is enhanced when they are unexpected. Jeanne Beauchamp, 72, and Rachel Strauss, 74, talked about the element of surprise in their long relationship. Jeanne told me:

Well, I think it’s really important to do little things that are a surprise. Whether it’s giving your partner a card or going out to celebrate a special event like a promotion or a special anniversary. Just little surprises. Like buying flowers. Doing things spontaneously, like you know you’re planning to have dinner at home, and it’s almost 4:00 and instead you say, “Let’s go out for dinner. Let’s go somewhere special.”

Do his or her chore. In many relationships, partners have firmly established responsibilities. It might be the separation of the inside/outside of the house domains, a schedule of who prepares dinner, who cares for a pet, or who picks up the kids. The elders say that one of the most effective small, positive actions is spontaneously taking over for your mate (especially if it’s an odious chore).

Tracey James, 68, contrasted this approach to giving big gifts—and told me that freely-offered chore assistance wins hands down:

Frequent smaller acts of kindness greatly trump large rare acts of kindness. Taking out the dog when it’s raining, going to the dry cleaner because I didn’t get there and not being angry about it—that really trumps a dozen roses. If you give me a dozen roses on Valentine’s Day, that’s one day out of the whole year. What am I supposed to think about in August when I’m not thinking about that? But if you have carried up the laundry or made the beds or emptied the dishwasher and I go to the dishwasher and you’ve done that, I can see that right away and I’m grateful and that’s part of my grateful day. That makes a big difference to me.

Give compliments. Showing admiration and appreciation is another small positive action you should take. This point was brought home to me by some very regretful older people—the failure to give and receive positive feedback and compliments was one of the most common regrets they expressed about marriage. For those elders who made a habit of complimenting their spouses, though, the payoff was a warm atmosphere of mutual appreciation.

In offering the advice to give small “gifts” as often as possible, the elders are right in line with the research. Studies of positive psychology underscore the importance of unexpected pleasant events as contributors to daily happiness.

So try upping the number of small, positive things you do for your partner. According to the elders, it can create a cascade of positive interactions that will improve and enliven your marriage. And you don’t need to wait for Christmas.

Need a wedding gift? Why not elder wisdom?

I’ve heard about many creative uses of my book 30 Lessons for Living. But this has to be the best one so far!

I received the following message from Shannon, of Washington State:

I loved the concept for The Legacy Project! I wish someone had gathered advice in such a meaningful way when I was younger.

When I first heard of the project, I thought: How could I introduce it to my step-son? A short time later he announced his engagement and a great idea came to me.

I purchased the book and will present it to him and his finance tomorrow night at their rehearsal dinner. During the dinner I am inviting people to add their own words of wisdom by sharing those on the blank pages of your book! Not only will the bride and groom have very personal wisdom but also that collected during your research! My hope is that they refer to it often.

I was thrilled (okay, maybe even a little choked up). So I asked Shannon if Adam and Lisa – the happy couple – would be willing to let me blog about it. They did me one better, and sent me some of the wisdom that the guests contributed!

Here’s what some of Adam and Lisa’s well-wishers – grandmas and grandpas, uncles and aunts, friends – advised them about marriage:

“Commitment, compromise, and communication will get you through the hurdles every couple will face throughout their lives together”

“Adam, buy Lisa flowers every now and then for no reason!”

“Look forward to a lifetime of happiness… Some times will be tougher than others, but the love that you share will overcome it all. Adam: listen to Lisa and love her. Lisa: love Adam with all your heart.”

“One very important advice: communication is key.” “Always take a deep breath and remember the first time you kissed!”

“Sense of humor!”

“In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths! Live a little, give a little, forgive a lot and laugh a lot”

“You can just tell by the way you two look at each other that this is meant to be! Your marriage will be full of happiness and you guys won’t ever lose that special connection.”

“Pick your battles! Always remember that a good relationship takes work, including lots of love, compromise, giving, trust and more love.”

“When naming children, make sure it’s one you can yell clearly out the back door!”

“Know that you can’t always be right and know that being wrong happens more often than you realize; know forgiveness truly and deeply and you will be able to overcome anything.”

So here’s to Adam and Lisa, and to the day when you may pass along your own wisdom about marriage to your next generation!

For Valentine’s day, I have been thinking of a question that comes up when I talk about my book 30 Lessons for Living: Was romance and marriage different for the elders I interviewed, or was it the same? And to that I answer: “It was the same – except where it was different.” The elders experienced the same anxiety – “Will I ever find someone to love?” – young people today go through. The were nervous before first dates, and they wondered if their relationships would last.

But they also remember a time of old-fashioned romance, where there was an element of surprise, mystery, and sometimes sacrifice involved in finding a mate. This week, I’d like to share a few stories about how the Legacy Project elders met their life partners. I hope you enjoy them as much as I have!

Jane Scripps has lived what she sums up as “a good life.” Raised in the south, as a young woman she got a job in the PX on a local army base, where she met Will in 1943.

We were in our twenties. He was a first lieutenant. Well, he was terrific.  I fell in love really quick.

It happened like this. I had to go to the warehouse to check on some things.  And he and the troops he was in charge of were just passing by when I was walking on the platform of the warehouse.  They were on the base for two weeks for training because they were going to go overseas really soon.  And I heard him say to his men, “Eyes right!”  Of course I did not respond.  I knew there were a group of soldiers looking at me and I was way up on the platform with high heels on.  And I was a little shy about that!  But then he took his men off to where he was supposed to.  I found out that he spent his afternoons looking for me.  And finally we met at the PX which was on that same building.  And we talked for a while.  He asked me for a date.

I didn’t give him a date, not right away, but I said I would give him my phone number.  “And if you call me Tuesday between six and six thirty, I will consider it.”  He did, and I gave him a date and we had a great time.  We double-dated.  We had a wonderful time and from there on we were together.  I don’t mean we were together, like they mean today – No!  But we had dates for four weeks, then he was going to go to another base.  We still corresponded and in four weeks he asked me to marry him, and two weeks later we were married.

I had only known him for eight weeks when we married.  And then we were married for six weeks, then he went overseas. He was over there during the war for fifteen months, and when he could he wrote to me every night. We’ve been married for fifty-eight years, and so it did work.  It wasn’t always perfect, of course.  I don’t think it ever is, but we’ve always loved each other, and did the best we can, and were faithful,  and we worked through whatever we had to work through.

When asked for her thoughts on what makes a successful long-term marriage, Jane pointed to commitment, and to a belief that the institution of marriage is important in and of itself. As she put it:

Be committed to it.  Because there are lots of people in my age group that were committed.  And marriage was marriage and family.  And they stayed together.  We never ever talked about divorce or separation or anything in my marriage.  It wasn’t perfect, of course.  I don’t think it ever is, but we loved each other and we worked through whatever we had to work through. I guess I didn’t have a big problem that we couldn’t discuss and get over in a day. So be committed to it.

We are so lucky at the Legacy Project to have wonderful student interns who join us to learn about aging issues, and elder wisdom in particular. We ask them to profile lessons from an elder they interview. Emily Hoyt is a junior at Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University, majoring in Human Development. Here’s what she learned from Jeanie.

Jeanie, age 90, has lived and continues to live an incredible life. Born in 1927, Jeanie overcame adversity to become a successful career woman. According to Jeanie, “you could be a secretary, a nurse, or a teacher; that was about it.” Jeanie broke out of these traditional roles by going back to school in her thirties to complete her undergraduate degree and receive a graduate degree in Art History. She noted:

If I hadn’t made that decision, I wouldn’t be where I am now.. One of the reasons I made it was because I had a group of friends, our husbands were successful, and we weren’t quite sure what we were doing. One of them said ‘You know when you get between 35 and 45 you either just gel and become frozen into what you are, or you really develop,’ and I thought, “Oh my God!”

Inspired to go back to school, Jeanie pursued her dream of completing an arts education. Because careers in art are hard to come by, Jeanie found the collegiate atmosphere “backbiting and competitive.” This pressure, however, taught Jeanie “how to handle [her]self and handle other people.” A great life skill for anyone in any field of study.

Jeanie told me that going back to school “absolutely was a life changer.” Her advice to girls today? Take advantage of every opportunity you are given. According to Jeanie, “the horizon [for girls] is so much greater now.” She advises girls to capitalize on the groundwork laid by previous generations of women.

After a successful 25-year career as a museum curator, Jeanie has learned a thing or two about working life. The saying “if you love what you do, you never work a day in your life” rings true for Jeanie. In fact, Jeanie felt “guilty about being paid for her job.” The intrinsic benefits she received from her job were payment enough.

Jeanie serves as an example for girls everywhere of breaking barriers and further progress for women. As women, it is our job to continue down the path that Jeanie has paved for us. We must jump at opportunities and continue to chip away at the glass ceiling until it shatters.