Category Archives: How To Be Happy

A Heart, a Message, and the Magic of Growing Old

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I once had the incredible privilege of keynoting an annual event hosted by a hospice federatrion. It’s an amazing group of devoted staff and volunteers who make sure that people’s last days on Earth are as pain-free and fulfilling as possible.

At the end of the luncheon, hospice volunteers brought out cloth bags filled with small ceramic hearts. Each heart had an inspirational word engraved on it, and we were asked to choose one without looking.

The word engraved on my heart was “MAGIC.” I had just been talking about my book, 30 Lessons for Living, and suddenly an image flooded my mind. One of the hundreds of elders we surveyed about their life wisdom had impressed me especially deeply. And that was because she used the word “magic” in a very surprising way.

Edwina, 94, had a fascinating life. Her father homesteaded in northeastern Montana, and she grew up on a small farm near the North Dakota border (she chuckled: “You probably don’t know anything about Montana since you’re a New Yorker!”).

She reflected on her experiences:

“We were never hungry.  And it was a wonderful place to grow up.  I had a good childhood.  And I had four brothers and a sister.  It was a wonderful place to live.  We learned so many things that you don’t have to teach your children.

For one thing, I had a horse all my own.  I learned that you took care of your horse.  You treated it like you should and you learned to take care of things.  And we had good neighbors and we were good neighbors.  We either had to walk to school or ride to school for two and a half miles.  While I was a child, we had to get up early because we had cows to milk, cows to go get, chickens to feed and things, before we went to school.  We learned how to work.  We learned the joy of getting up in the morning and seeing the sun come up.  And to this day I get up early.

One of the most important things that I have learned is be yourself.  My mother had an old saying, “Straighten up your back Edwina, and be somebody. Be proud of yourself and be proud of your name.  Be careful.  When you have a name, it’s precious.  You want to protect it.” And I guess that’s about all I have to say about that.  I could probably talk forever.

Edwina had two wonderful marriages. Her first husband died after 32 years of marriage, and Bertha waited a long time to get married again: “I was eighty-five!” He had died shortly before our interview after nearly a decade of happiness together.

But what rushed into my mind when I was handed the heart that said “MAGIC” was what Edwina had to say about aging. She was asked: “What advice would you give to younger people about growing older?  What do you think you would tell them?” There was a pause, almost as if she was casting a glance back over such a long and full life. Then she replied:

I’d tell them to find the magic!

 The world is a magical place in lots of ways.  To enjoy getting up in the morning and watching the sun come up.  And that’s something that you can do when you are growing older.  You can be grateful, happy for the things that have happened.  You should enjoy your life.  Do something for people.  Grow a little.  Just because you’re getting older doesn’t mean that you need to sit back in a rocking chair and let the world go by.  Well, that’s not for me and that’s not for a lot of people.  I can’t dance anymore, but if I could I would.

There’s no reason for anybody in this world to ever be bored.  That’s one thing I’ve always said.  Well, if I died and went to heaven, I’d be bored to death with how they say heaven is.  There’s no need for you to be bored in this world.  There’s so much out there.  And your attitude, be optimistic.  I’ve been optimistic all my life.  Even as a little girl I can remember that no matter what happened it would turn out all right.  And that’s great if you can do it.

Even the Depression, which was a bad thing.  The Great Depression.  But actually, we came out of it and I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.  We had the best friends, I never was hungry a day in my life.  I had a happy family, and they worked hard.  They didn’t have much, but we helped each other.  I think that’s one of the biggest things.  What in the world, if you make a million dollars, why do you need another million?

I will say that everybody, if they want to grow older they must take care of their health.  They’ve got to learn to look after themselves.  And almost always, whether you’re a man or a woman, at the end of your life there’s a rule.  One of the other is left alone.  So you have to prepare for that.  That it’s possible and it happens.  Of course it happened with me.  But when the tears stopped flowing I got better.  I guess that’s what you can expect when you grow old.

Beware of Multi-Tasking

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Oliver’s (age 81)  lesson: Do one thing at a time, or you get “stress and chaos.”

It’s a scientific fact that you can only think of one thing at a time. Accept that  fact and work accordingly. Make a list of your projects and follow each one as far as convenient, then tackle the next. Many people take pride in handling several things at once without a plan. Their attention is constantly redirected, allowing stress and chaos to build, with nothing completed.

April’s Lessons: Savoring the Present Moment

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Appropriately for the month we’re in, April, 63, sent us a list of lessons that reflect an imortant idea: Savoring the small things each day that make life pleasant. (In fact, research shows that practicing an attitude of savoring in daily life leads to greater happiness.) April suggests we selectively look for positive experiences each day.

Find the poetry in life. Acknowledge the gift of the five senses and focus on what you see, what you hear, what you smell, what you touch, what you taste.

This morning I looked past the yellow, white and orange spring pansies on the deck to the fox hole dug into the hillside. The four kits poked their heads out daringly as the mother fox stood guard.

I filtered the world’s news to hear of the children romping at the White House scooping their colored hard-boiled eggs down the South Lawn. I listened for the resurgence of a dream as at 46 someone competes in the U.S. Figure Skating Championships.

I smelled the rich Irish cream coffee brewing in the kitchen as my feet touched the chilled wood floor. I wrapped myself in my comfortable fleece bathrobe and bit into the warm, buttered wheat toast.

To see, to hear, to smell, to touch, to taste with clarity and discernment—that is the poetry at each turn.

Happiness Made Simple: 5 Elders on Savoring the Small Things in Life

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As part of the Legacy Project, we conducted a national survey of older people. I recently was looking through the hundreds of lessons these elders provide, and I was struck by one particular point. When it comes to happiness, many of the elders urge us to “think small.” They are thankful for what they have, right now, rather than pinning their happiness on future achievements or possessions. I’m thinking that many younger people could benefit from this perspective.

Here are five simple pieces of advice for happier living:

Everybody says that you should make a goal in your life, but I don’t think that’s always necessary because you make a goal and the first thing you know, you switched over to something else. All I wanted to do was be a mother, and I did. I had three boys and three girls and my husband made a living for us, we did fairly well, all of our children are still living and they’re happy, so I’m happy. (Roseann, 79)

Every morning when I wake up, I thank God that at 75 years old I’m able to get up, take my shower, go about my business, by my groceries or go to work or whatever I do, I’m very thankful for that. (Lavonne, 75)

Just take life in stride, I guess, do the best you can. Enjoy, if you can afford it, living; going out and treating yourself to a few luxuries, like maybe going out to dinner, going for a ride, or something like that. (Abel, 77)

Be grateful for each day that you wake up. (Roman, 84)

To live a decent life, a comfortable life, and that basically makes me happy. (Luann, 81)

Learn to Create Your Own Happiness

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The consensus of the elders is that we can’t wait for external events to bring about happiness. They suggest we can make a choice not to brood negatively. If you’re struggling and need a lift, consider these statements from our elders

I have learned the importance of getting out and doing things and making friends wherever you are, and not feeling sorry for yourself. (Juan, 71)

I had a very rough life, it would take me hours just to tell you what has gone on in my life. You just have to pull up your boot straps and keep on going. You have to make up your mind, you’ve either got to live one way or the other, it’s your choice. (Laverne, 82)

Here is what I have learned: I came into this world with nothing, my experiences are only mine and I will leave this world with nothing. The only one I can change is myself. You must learn to create your own happiness; you cannot depend on others to do this for you. (Cheryl, 86)

Don’t brood on any past shortcomings or failures. Learn what you can from them, resolve to do better, and live on. (Jerome, 69)

Do the right thing, and things open up for you

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Some of the elders in the Legacy Project gave a thoughtful, reflective review of their long lives, weaving their life lessons into that narrative. In many cases, their lessons came from encountering and overcoming adversity.  Mamie, an 82-year old who lived through racial discrimination and hardship, but looks back on a very rich life.

My most important life lessons? Well, my marriage life, I was married about thirty years, it was a good marriage. And I was a schoolteacher; I enjoyed that for thirty years. And my parents were good, we weren’t rich, but I had good parents and that’s more important than having a lot of money. We would sit down to the table and eat. And church has become important to me in my older years; I was glad that I was in church.

I was born in the South and I had to sit in the back of the bus, but over the years I’ve become proud of my heritage. I think we’re special.

When I lost my husband, my children became the most important thing in my life. My kids were important, two went to college. One’s a teacher and one’s a chemist.

I’m not rich or anything, I’ve got a fair income, but the main thing is I thank God that I am living, and I do have aches and pains but they come with growing old.

A big choice for me was becoming a schoolteacher instead of a lawyer or something. I found that it’s not making as much money, but it’s been more enjoyable. Sometimes in teaching you not only teach, but you’re a friend to those kids. It’s not just teaching, it’s listening to the kids. And most of my time, being a Black teacher, I spent quite a bit of time with the white students and I found out they didn’t care about color. If you were their teacher and on their side, that’s all that matters. And my decision to go to church rather than going to nightclubs was good. I never got into drugs; I found that was a good way of doing it. I’d rather be in church than going to the bar every week and doing this and that.

Being honest is the main thing. When it’s all said and done, you have to do things the right way. There’s no outdoors or backdoors to lying. Somewhere along the line, you have to be honest with yourself. And by being honest with yourself, doors are open. I’m not “religious-religious,” but I do believe that if I do the right thing and so forth, things will open up for me.

About advice for young people: I found out two things by being a teacher: one problem is drugs, and the second problem is they are having babies. They’re out there, they never go to school, they start out on the corner selling drugs, and they don’t know anything about education and so forth. And we’re paying more money to house them in prison than we are if we could get them in and teach them the right and wrong. I cry about it sometimes to see our young people out selling drugs and they think that’s important. But their parents never taught them the right way of doing things.

Now, about getting old. As you grow older, take it day by day. I know we cry about this and that but we know we’ve got to grow old, so we should try and do the best we can. I retired about five or six years earlier than I should of, but I couldn’t help it because health problems set in and I had to. But I would say if you can, try to prepare for retirement. But take a day at a time and things will work out.

The Emphasis Should Be on Life!

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Among the Legacy Project elders, I found the advice from people in their 90s and beyond to be particularly stirring. The sheer quantity of historical and personal events they have been through makes their comments particularly meaningful. Wilfred, 93, reflected on his long life experience and offers these lessons for living.

Be true to yourself! Times have changed, academic degrees are necessary today in business and even in the armed services; they are the markers used to score you. Nevertheless continue to pursue interests that appeal to you, because that is where the joy fights the pain. If you like what you are doing, happiness and success should come in time.

As I grew up, I abided by a code of ethics that came from my inner self. I always attempted to do the right thing both for my customers in business and with my friends as I went through life. This may sound corny and preachy but it worked for me. I rarely regretted an action and maintained peace of mind.

The most important thing is to keep busy, whether it is business for profit or volunteering services to help others. May I point out that I never thought I was doing a “Good Deed” or a favor, since they were also providing me with companionship and an opportunity to use my alleged mind.

There is a line in “Zorba the Greek” that says, “Life is what you do while you are waiting to die.” The emphasis should be on Life!

Lighten Up! A Good Lesson for the New Year

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Isn’t it ironic to see all the media stories at this time of year about “holiday stress?” How did what should be a relaxing and restorative time become yet another stressful event? As I think about the life lessons of the Legacy Project elders, one message seems to me helpful in staying relaxed over the holidays: Lighten up.

The elders often pointed out that a key to savoring each of life’s wonderful moments is developing and maintaining a sense of humor. Here are two takes on that theme from Alison and Margaret.

Alison, 79, has traveled the world after her retirement for a career as a teacher. She gave this advice:

You should see the fun in the world instead of dwelling on the unhappy things. Take each day and live it, love it, it might be your very last day here. Don’t be aggravated, don’t aggravate anybody else, and just keep a smile on your face. You’ll be happier and everyone around you will be, too. Try to remain upbeat, no matter what, and never lose your sense of humor, even if your jokes are awful. Keep cracking your jokes to whoever you see. Find something fun and pleasant and happy to say to them. You’ll lead a much better life that way. Look at the glass as half full – be positive – look at a problem as to how it can be made to work out, not that it cannot.

Margaret, 71, whose responses sparkled with good humor, wrote:

It’s like I’ve taken the attitude of what difference does it make? So I eat my chocolate, I have my martini at night, I don’t take as good care of myself since I’ve gotten older. But I feel pretty darn good to be as old as I am!

Many elders have learned to take a lighter attitude toward life – perhaps this is a good New Year’s resolution for all of us!

Sometimes a Few Words Can Change You: “Elder Mantras”

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I’ve spent a lot of time over the past six years interviewing the oldest Americans about their lessons for living — advice they would like to pass on to future generations. As described in the book 30 Lessons for Living” the elders have outstanding advice on the “big picture” issues: love and marriage, child-rearing, choosing a career, health and of course, aging well.

One of the biggest surprises for me, however, has been the influence that a few profound thoughts or phrases have had on me. When confronted with a work problem, a stressful event, or just the usual tension that can build up during the day, I find that the voice of one or another of the elders will come to me and help me re-think the situation. I’ve come to call these my “elder mantras.”

Here are a few of these “mantras” that I find particularly helpful, all from wise people in their 80s and beyond. They reflect some of the core elements of elder wisdom.

Swimming in the sea of life

Paul, 85, had a successful and high-powered career as an architect. After both a hectic career and personal life, he has found old age to be a time of both clarity and serenity. When asked: “What have you learned during your life that you would like to pass on to a younger person,” he said: “I’ve learned how to swim. ”

That was a surprise, and when questioned, Paul went on:

I’ve learned how to swim. In life. I’m not a particularly good swimmer in water, but I’m a reasonable swimmer in the flow of living.

This image of learning to swim in the river of life, of going with the flow of living, is a powerful and serene image when called up during a busy day.

Let it be

This mantra comes from Sister Clare Moran, whom I interviewed shortly before her 100th birthday. (I can’t give all the details here, but believe me when I say: If you want to hear about an interesting life, sit down for a while with a 100-year old nun!)

Reflecting on her nearly 80 years in the religious life, Sister Clare pointed to doing away with worry as her lesson for younger people. Early in her career as a nun, she learned a technique for reducing worry through pursuing acceptance:

There was a priest that said mass for us, a youngish priest, very fragile and frail. Beautiful, beautiful man. He said that at a certain time of his life, something happened; he didn’t tell us what it was. I heard that he had been working on a mission and they asked him to come back to the States and it broke his heart. It must have been a very hard thing to do. And he was very angry, he just couldn’t be resigned, just couldn’t. He got back into work here, but he couldn’t get his mind off it. Just couldn’t see why it had happened.

So he went to an elderly priest and he talked to him about it. He said, “What shall I do? I can’t get rid of it.” And the priest said, “Every time it comes to your mind, say this.” And the priest said very slowly, “Just let it be, let it be.” And this young man was saying it just the way the priest said it and he said, “I tried that and at first it didn’t make any difference, but I kept on. After a while, when I pushed it aside, let it be, it went away. Maybe not entirely, but it was the answer.”

Sr. Clare, one of the most serene people I have ever met, has used this technique for well over three-quarters of a century.

So many things come to your mind, now for instance somebody might hurt your feelings, you’re going to get back at him or her, well — just let it be. Push it away. So I started doing that, I found it the most wonderful thing because everybody has uncharitable thoughts, you can’t help it. Some people get on your nerves and that will be there until you die. But when they start and I find myself thinking, “Well now she shouldn’t do that, I should tell her that…” Let it be. Often, before I say anything, I think, “If I did that, then what?” And let it be. Oh, so many times I felt grateful that I did nothing. That lesson has helped me an awful lot.

A feather from an angel’s wing

Flora, 80, is a poet who writes about her love of the landscapes of the Southwest. Her approach to living is to embrace the pleasures each day can hold, and she reinforces that attitude with a daily habit. One phrase stands out as a mantra.

If I were to give any particular word of advice I would say: Go about the business of the day, hum-drum as it might be, but walk on your tip-toes waiting for the “ah-ha!” experiences. That happens when you’re going around the corner doing the normal everyday things. So be prepared for those ah-ha experiences that may happen any time. That way, you’re always open to and watching for something different — watching for a feather from an angel’s wing.

It’s sorry you didn’t do…

One last mantra I carry with me is from Eleanor, who says about regrets: “Mostly it’s sorry you didn’t do than sorry you did!”

You can meet her (on video) as well as other elders sharing their wisdom.

Roberta’s List for Living

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I am always impressed when I receive lessons for living from people in their nineties and beyond. There’s so much lifetime there, and so much time to reflect on it. And I also rejoice in the gift these very old people give us, by taking the time to share their advice.

I loved this list of lessons from Roberta, age 95. Each one of these pieces of advice is worth pondering as you go through your day.

A happy marriage can be enjoyed when each considers what is best for both, and each thinks of what’s best for the other.

Have an income from agreeable work allowing saving for the future, for the children’s college education, and the possibility of catastrophic illness, yet allowing for a pleasant home life.

Have children whose futures will blossom as yours becomes less exciting.  Enjoy teaching them and watching them develop.  Enjoy their successes as well as your own.

Appreciate nature.  Love birds, animals, travel, even all kinds of weather.

Develop a kind nature.  Do whatever you can for others, even outside the family.

Take an interest in your town, state and nation politically, how it affects you and others.

Be careful of your health.  Consider the value of your diet, fruit, veggies, vitamins. To the extent that your income allows take part in excercise, sports such as sailing, skiing, tennis, and other sports, gardening, (enjoy what nature does as a result of your efforts)

If possible let art and music be part of your life.