Category Archives: Aging Well

Learning to Live in the Moment: Why Not Do It Now?

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John, 70, lived much of his life looking toward the future, striving in his distinguished career. His lesson is to learn to live more in the moment. He learned this in his sixties, but suggests younger people learn it sooner.

I don’t say people shouldn’t think about the future. But when you really give yourself up to the present, when you’re in the room and you look around you, and there are other people in the room and you’re able to really zero in on those other people, and being able to really sense what they’re feeling and tap in to their own presence, then it’s not aimless at all. You feel very connected, very grounded, and it’s energizing. So you receive energy by making those connections in the present moment.

And it’s not just with people. The same thing is true with a walk in the woods. If you can really open yourself up to hearing the sounds and smelling the smells, and feeling the touches, the wind, and all those things, then you increasingly feel like an integral part of that system, so that you too have feelings, and they begin to connect with what’s going on around you. You may feel small, but it’s not a very frightening smallness. Instead it’s a feeling of being a part of a larger something. There’s a connectedness that is very, very reassuring. So that’s what I mean by being present and being connected to now.

I think you inevitably look at the future, but to the extent that you can still appreciate what is going on today and at the moment, then exactly what that future is going to be continues to be an open question, and that openness I think has great value. You’re allowing in some sense your intuition to play a role, and not being afraid that somehow that intuition is going to compete with and overwhelm your reason. That the two can work together, and support one another, influence one another.

It’s not easy, particularly for those of us who spend a lot of time in academic institutions or other jobs where the rational part of you is applauded. Living in the present and enjoying life isn’t something that you complete, or accomplish; it’s something that you strive toward, something that you work on, something that you engage with. It’s a process, at least in my experience.

The Old Cliches about Living the Good Life Apply: Miguel's List

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Miguel, 76, tells us that tried and true wisdom pretty much gets it right.

Past generations had it about right.  Most of the old cliches about living the good life apply. 

One should eat healthfully, get a full night’s sleep, exercise regularly, set priorities, not sweat the small stuff, spend a lot of time with family.

Follow your heart, plan ahead, never look back with regret, give it your all, not take life too seriously, try everything — you only go around once.

Live beneath your means, make new friends, but cherish the old ones.

Admit mistakes, learn to listen, keep secrets, don’t gossip, never take action when you’re angry

Don’t expect life to be fair, never procrastinate, call your mother. 

Most important: (1) choose your parents with care – they will provide the good genes and set you on the right path; (2) pick the right spouse — everything else pales by comparison.  

 

Okay, I Admit It: I Like the Taco Bell Elders Ad – What Do You Think?

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I anticipated the now viral “Viva Young” Taco Bell ad with dread. As someone who studies and promotes elder wisdom, I have hated just about every ad I’ve seen that tries to portray “with-it oldsters” engaging in hijinks. But Taco Bell’s Super Bowl ad was a genuine – and pleasant – surprise. I’ve watched it many times now, and I like it. In fact, I like it a lot.

It somehow manages to convey freedom and an openness to experience, while using older actors who look, well, the way a lot of older people look. It didn’t make them, or their situations on their wild night out, cute sterotypes. As the director of the ad, Tom Kuatz, put it: “I didn’t treat them differently than I would 20-year-olds. That’s part of the concept. Kissing was kissing on the mouth, dancing was dancing, doing the robot was doing the robot like a 20-year-old would do.”

I’ve spent the last five years talking to the oldest Americans about, among other things, how to make the most of the later years of life. And what they told me is a lot like what this commercial manages to convey in a very short time. For successful aging, they endorse principles like this:

            Become more of a free spirit. Over and over as they reflected on their lives, I heard versions of “I’ve given up worrying” and “Why do people worry so much about everything?” Indeed, from the vantage point of late life, many people see fruitless rumination about the future as a young person’s game. As one 83-year old put it: “Don’t believe that worrying will solve or help anything.  It won’t.  So stop it.”

 Focus on the short term rather than the long term. In the ad, the actors are clearly living in the moment. And that’s what most of the elders we interviewed suggest: focus more on the short term. As a 102-year old told me: “The most important thing is one day at a time. You can plan ahead but it doesn’t always work out.”

Savor the moment. When people seek happiness, they often think about “big-ticket” items: buying a house, finding a partner, having a child, getting a new job, making more money. The elders tell us that a positive attitude depends on thinking small: seeking unexpected momentary pleasures that are experienced intensely. Not every older person wants a wild night of clubbing as shown in the commercial, but they do love to immerse themselves in the present moment.

Take risks. We think of older people as more conservative, but in terms of living life to the fullest in old age, the opposite is the case. They tell their peers (and those of us who will, if all goes well, be old someday) to let go in the last third of life. A 94-year old laughed: “My advice about growing old? I’d tell people to find the magic!” Many elders described life past 65 as a “quest” and “an adventure.” Their advice to us? Endorse embracing excitement, creativity, and risk-taking well into our 70s, 80s, and beyond.

And Taco Bell (whether you like their food or not) managed to convey a bit of that spirit during the Super Bowl.

[Thanks to Robert Powell, blogger on retirement for the Wall Street Journal’s Market Watch site, where this post originally appeared.)

Growing Up Is the Work of a Lifetime

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Maurice, 77, has a different take on the expression “live life to the fullest.”

The advice I would give to my grandchildren is to treasure every day of  their existence and to do their best at every task they face. 

I do not believe in “living life to the fullest” in the sense in which that expression is often used.  Most important when you look back on your life are the unselfish things you have done, the love and support you have  given to others, and the sense that you have made the most of your talents and  opportunities.

I have learned that growing up is the work of a lifetime and that  we should strive to continue growing until the end of our days.

If Not Now, When? Anita’s Lessons for Living

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Here’s a post for our summer intern, Jackie Santo. Thanks to Jackie for sharing what she learned from Anita, age 67.

 I recently had the pleasure of speaking with Anita about what she believes are the most important obligations that we, as people, owe ourselves and that we owe others throughout the course of our lives.

Anita maintains that we have an obligation to enjoy life, to make the most out of it, and to savor it. Below, Anita mentions the some of the most important pieces of insight that she wished she knew at age 20:

To be true to oneself. To try and know who you are. To appreciate who you are. And to try and live with integrity in all that you do and how you live

It’s important to know how to savor what you have, to not take things for granted and to help inculcate in yourself a sense of gratitude for what you have and not focus on the things that are absent from your life.

Live life to its fullest, you know? “If not now, when?” has become very much my motto. My companion and I have done a lot of travel, and every time I suggest a new place to visit he’s sort of like “are you kidding?”, and I always say “If not now, When?” so I am very fortunate to be in a position where at this point in my life I can do, sort of, whatever I want to do, and I’m doing it.

Aging is coupled with certain risks and resiliencies. Although many people encounter illness and mental deterioration as they get older, they also gather wisdom and life lessons. Anita asserts the familial, societal, and generational obligations that we owe each other to aid the ill and pass wisdom on to the young:

My father used to say that if you can do a good turn for someone else, why wouldn’t you do it? And I think that that’s been a perspective that I have had, as well about caring about other people. My work certainly has been infused with the notion that we have a social contract, that we have obligations not only to those who are closest to us but to the society to which we live.

I have, as someone once described, a heightened sense of justice and I feel very much that we have an obligation to speak out and to stand up and to struggle to make change. I think we have a generational obligation. I certainly recognize it in terms of being a parent to my child, but I certainly also felt it very much in terms of being a child to my parent, and I guess a lot of my work in the aging field has come from that perspective – that we have an obligation to those who came before us.

Excellent life wisdom we all can use!

“Suck it up and get on with life!” Marty’s Lessons

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One key component of elder wisdom has come up often on this blog:  That happiness is a choice, and not a condition. Over and over, respondents in the Legacy Project told us that life invariably involves loss and difficulties. However, individuals can make a conscious choice to make the best of their circumstances – even when the circumstances aren’t ideal.

Marty, 82, is a retired college professor. He’s gone through the loss of his first wife in his mid-60s and is now in a very happy second marriage. Marty emphasizes the importance of choosing to be optimistic and as cheerful as possible:

I think you have to be enthusiastic about things and not be grumbly about everything. I always follow the idea that, well, today’s today, and if today doesn’t go well I’ll try it again tomorrow. I think that’s very, very important.

My first wife died and I was really down, I would have to say. And then I woke up one morning and I said to myself, “You know George, what you always used to say to your students when something happened was “Suck it up and get on with life!” And, to me it was amazing that I didn’t tell myself the same thing. But I did it that morning. That was in 1995, and on that day I decided I still was young enough to do things – and I did! I think we all doubt when we get to certain ages that we can do it anymore. But you can still make a difference to people.

I believe that lots of people are not very flexible. And I think sometimes you have to be flexible in order to continue to have a good life and continue to do the things where you can help people.

So I decided that although I was older when my wife died, I wasn’t going to give up. I hadn’t dated anybody in forty years, so it was going to be hard.. But, I think you have to say to yourself, “Look, life goes on.” There are lots of things that’ll happen to you that you’ll have to overcome whether you’re twenty or thirty or forty; it doesn’t matter. You have to move on.

So tell people to remember that it’s never too late, it’s never too late to change and it’s okay to change.

New Life Direction After 80? A Reader Seeks Your Advice!

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I recently received an inquiry from Donald, who had heard about my book 30 Lessons for Living. It inspired him to write about the juncture he feels his life has reached. Do you readers have any suggestions for him?

Donald wrote:

 In three weeks I will be 88 — however I don’t feel a day over 44.

I am aware that for some time now, I have been repeating yesterday, day after day — so what can I do about the next ten years,- to reverse my attitude — to radically change my direction? I believe I want greater changes in my life.

Many people in their 80s and beyond see it as a time of new beginnings – but how should Donald make this a reality? Advice is welcome from your own experience (if you are in the older years) or from the experience of older people you know who struck out in new directions in later life.

Look forward to hearing from you!

“Laugh at Yourself” – Our Grand Prize Winning Lesson from Young Person

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Rachel Dawson won our grand prize in the Legacy Project contest for younger people, who offered a lesson they’ve learned from an elder in our lives. She tells about grandparents with a great sense of humor!

Immediately after graduate school, I had the opportunity to live with my grandparents for a year while I completed an exciting but low-paying internship. Although they lived very simply, they were incredibly happy people — both were in their mid-80s and had been married for 61 years at the time.

 In late 2006 and early 2007, one of the biggest cable news network headlines was the paternity of Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter. One morning, I overheard my grandfather shouting to my grandmother “Grandma! GRANDMA! I have something to tell you!” She asked, “What is it, Bob?” He replied, “I’m really sorry…I’m the father of Anna Nicole’s baby!”

At that moment, it was apparent to me that their individual and shared sense of humor had played a significant role in the longevity of their marriage and their six decades of happiness. Rarely had they taken themselves or life too seriously.

I learned a lot that year during my internship, but the most valuable lesson came from them: cultivating the ability to laugh at ourselves and poke good-natured fun at each other is key to weathering the rough times and building a strong, happy life and relationship.

A Lesson from a 105-Year-Old! Another Contest Winner

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Julia Spunt is our second winner in our contest for young people who answered the question: What’s one thing you have learned from an elder in your life?”

My beloved and inspirational Grandmother, Eula Mae Coburn, passed away on 1/1/11, at the amazing age of 105 years old. For the past five years, since she turned 100, I often heard people ask her for her advice on how to live a satisfying life to such an old age.

The advice I most often heard her give to people was “Be happy with what you’ve got!” She grew up quite poor, and worked hard during her life, and she was married to the love of her life for sixty years before he died over twenty years ago. She had three children, two of whom she outlived, and she was grateful for every blessing she had, and never complained about anything!

She thought it was “such a shame” that people today seem to always be wanting more and searching for happiness, instead of enjoying the moments and “being happy with what they got!” I think of her often, and am trying to heed her wisdom and pass it on to my own children.

Spend More Time in the Slow Lane – Our Next Contest Winner

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Wonderful advice from Dick, and elder who shares his advice for younger people. Dick is the second runner-up in our contest that sought both advice from elders and young people’s reports of lessons they learned from older people in their lives (winners coming soon!)

Spend more time in the slow lane. Everything looks better and the rewards are greater. You get a much better perspective and a sense of accomplishment in enjoying the little pleasures that life has to offer. Savor the journey; there is a greater likelihood the pathway will provide the rewards that may elude you at the end.

You don’t have to do something special every day, but there are a myriad of ways that you can make everyday special.

Embrace intimacy. Don’t be afraid to let those close to you know how you feel and what makes the relationship work. Learn the difference between sex and true intimacy. Most people are capable of sex, but fewer make the effort to enjoy a deep sense of connection.

Don’t be afraid to make lifestyle changes that enhance your quality of life. Listen to your body and make changes that can increase your chances of being dealt a winning hand. There are no guarantees in life; do everything in your power to stack the deck in your favor.