Author Archives: Karl

The Best Christmas Gifts for Your Partner? You May Be Surprised at the Elders’ Advice

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What are the best kinds of Christmas gifts we can give our partners? From my interviews with hundreds of long-married elders  (some happily married for a half century orsmall gifts more), I learned something new and different about the idea of a gift.

Think about it: Christmas comes, and if you have a reasonably sensitive partner, you wind up with a gift of some kind. But did that experience really enhance your relationship? My guess is that, overall, the effect was neutral, because we expect this kind of treatment. (It would have a very negative effect if we did not receive a holiday’s gift, but getting one simply fulfills our expectations.)

But what about these scenarios?

  • You walk downstairs one morning and on the table are freshly baked blueberry muffins and a vase of daffodils from the garden.
  • You’re supposed to pick up the kids after work, but your husband emails you saying he knows you’ve got a busy day so he’ll get them instead.
  • You mention your interest in going to a concert you have read about—and your wife surprises you that weekend with a pair of tickets.

According to the elders, gifts are expected on official occasions—and, yes, probably necessary. But what keeps the spark alive is the unexpected—and kind—gesture. In fact, they believe there is nothing more effective in keeping a relationship warm, supportive, and fun than making a habit of doing small, positive things.

This lesson first hit me a number of years ago when I began my search for the life wisdom the oldest Americans. Antoinette, 81, told me about her marriage, which had been troubled in its early years. But through hard work, talking, and counseling, she and her husband of 55 years have attained a warm and loving relationship. When I asked her what she believed was the most important change she made, she thought for a few moments and said:

There is one practical piece of advice I have given to my children. This is just one little jewel that I passed along to them. And that’s when you wake up in the morning, think, “What can I do to make his or her day just a little happier?” The idea is you need to turn toward each other and focus on the other person, even just for that five minutes when you first wake up. It’s going to make a big difference in your relationship.

The elders strongly endorse the power of small and frequent positive actions in keeping the spark alive. They suggest we focus less on “big-ticket” items when we think of giving our mate something—often spending more than we can afford for items that may be quickly forgotten—and concentrate instead on giving small “gifts” throughout the week or the day. The build-up of these positive gestures can have a transformative impact on a marriage.

Darren Freeman, 73, discovered that the key to happiness in his marriage is “being loving and caring and doing things for the other person.” But he immediately added:

In my case it is being spontaneous. Going on trips by saying, “We are going to go out on a certain night.” Not tell them where you are going, and then you take them out to a certain place for dinner. Not necessarily overloading them with gifts during the Christmas time and so forth, but just throughout the years giving them little things, like if I notice that she has shown interest in something while we were shopping. Then going and buying that and bringing it home and saying, “Here, I got you a surprise today!”

How can you make the strategy of doing small, positive actions work for you? The elders suggest three types of gestures that, when done frequently, have a major impact on the relationship—surprises, chores, and compliments.

Surprise your partner. The power of small positive gestures is enhanced when they are unexpected. Jeanne Beauchamp, 72, and Rachel Strauss, 74, talked about the element of surprise in their long relationship. Jeanne told me:

Well, I think it’s really important to do little things that are a surprise. Whether it’s giving your partner a card or going out to celebrate a special event like a promotion or a special anniversary. Just little surprises. Like buying flowers. Doing things spontaneously, like you know you’re planning to have dinner at home, and it’s almost 4:00 and instead you say, “Let’s go out for dinner. Let’s go somewhere special.”

Do his or her chore. In many relationships, partners have firmly established responsibilities. It might be the separation of the inside/outside of the house domains, a schedule of who prepares dinner, who cares for a pet, or who picks up the kids. The elders say that one of the most effective small, positive actions is spontaneously taking over for your mate (especially if it’s an odious chore).

Tracey James, 68, contrasted this approach to giving big gifts—and told me that freely-offered chore assistance wins hands down:

Frequent smaller acts of kindness greatly trump large rare acts of kindness. Taking out the dog when it’s raining, going to the dry cleaner because I didn’t get there and not being angry about it—that really trumps a dozen roses. If you give me a dozen roses on Valentine’s Day, that’s one day out of the whole year. What am I supposed to think about in August when I’m not thinking about that? But if you have carried up the laundry or made the beds or emptied the dishwasher and I go to the dishwasher and you’ve done that, I can see that right away and I’m grateful and that’s part of my grateful day. That makes a big difference to me.

Give compliments. Showing admiration and appreciation is another small positive action you should take. This point was brought home to me by some very regretful older people—the failure to give and receive positive feedback and compliments was one of the most common regrets they expressed about marriage. For those elders who made a habit of complimenting their spouses, though, the payoff was a warm atmosphere of mutual appreciation.

In offering the advice to give small “gifts” as often as possible, the elders are right in line with the research. Studies of positive psychology underscore the importance of unexpected pleasant events as contributors to daily happiness.

So try upping the number of small, positive things you do for your partner. According to the elders, it can create a cascade of positive interactions that will improve and enliven your marriage. And you don’t need to wait for Christmas.

What Our Elders Want Today’s Graduates to Know

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I was asked to share some wisdom from the Legacy Project Elders with college students graduating this month. I think there is a strong message of hope for young people from the challenges of the last year.

First, congratulations!! But since many people will be congratulating you, I wanted to leave you with one particular thought to carry forward with you.

As some of you know, I’m a gerontologist who has spent a lot of time over the past 15 years talking to very old people about the historical events they have lived through and what they learned from them.

Almost every one of these people, who lived through war, poverty, displacement or famine, told me the same thing: Despite the hardship, it made them better, stronger, more compassionate people and that they had lived fuller lives as a result. Many of them told me that their lives were radically changed by the crisis they lived through, but it made them resilient in the face of everything else life threw in their way later on.

I believe that you, too, have learned life lessons you will never lose.

You have suffered through this pandemic. You have missed out some of the ordinary joys of college life, be it parties, spring break, or in-person classes. You probably worried daily about your own health and those of your loved ones. You lived through a frighteningly divisive time, with conflicts in the country, in cities, and even in families.

But in spite of all that, from years of studying the wisdom of very old people, I can assure you of one thing.

One day, 60 or 70 years hence, you will have reached an age that seems utterly impossible to you now. You will be talking to a group of young people whose age, at that point in your life, will seem equally impossible to you then.

And you will tell them – as the elders told me – of how you lived through one of the greatest crises in American history, how you survived, and how you thrived. You will tell of how you acted, how you coped with stress and fear, and how you helped others. You will reassure them that they, too, can overcome what seem to be insurmountable problems.

As your lives unfold over the coming decades, you will likely find, as previous generations have, that unexpected sources of strength come from living through troubled times, like resilience, wisdom, and compassion. Those are gifts that you can take along with your hard-earned degree. But that’s far in the future. For now –  go celebrate!

Financial New Year’s Resolutions From the Wisest Americans

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Some of the most common New Year’s resolutions have to do with money: saving more, making more, spending less, andelder advice money so on. America’s elders, however, urge you to take a broader view of money and what it means in your life. The “experts on living” in the Legacy Project have some excellent advice on the topic.

The fantastic financial journalist Morgan Housel at Motley Fool wrote an excellent article (10 Money Lessons from Elderly Americans Who Have Seen It All), based on my book 30 Lessons for Living. Take a look – it will help you think “outside of the box” about money issues over the coming year. I will share the first two lessons here.

1. Young people obsess about making a lot of money. Older people wonder what they were thinking.

When asked about their prescription for happiness at work, what wasn’t mentioned spoke the loudest. And fancy statistics aren’t necessary because the results are so clear.

No one — not a single person out of a thousand — said that to be happy you should try to work as hard as you can to make money to buy the things you want.

No one — not a single person — said it’s important to be at least as wealthy as the people around you, and if you have more than they do it’s real success.

No one — not a single person — said you should choose your work based on your desired future earning power.

2. Money is often at war with time. Balance them appropriately.

The view from the end of the life span is straightforward: time well and enjoyably spent trumps money anytime. They know what it means to make a living, and they are not suggesting that we all become starving artists. But they also know firsthand that most people who decide on a profession because of the material rewards at some point look back and gasp, “What have I done.” In their view, we all need a salary to live on. But the experts concur that it’s vastly preferable to take home less in your paycheck and enjoy what you are doing rather than live for the weekends and your three weeks (if you get that much) vacation a year. If doing what you love requires living with less, for the experts, that’s a no-brainer …

If you are willing to accept a lower income level, you can gain enormous benefits by choosing part-time work as a lifestyle. Imagine if you suddenly had more leisure than work time. Some experts made this decision: living on much less money, renting rather than owning a house, and forgoing expensive consumer goods to pursue a job and a lifestyle they enjoy

Check out Morgan’s article for the other eight tips!

Give the Gift of Elder Wisdom this Year (It Never Wears Out!)

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Holiday shopping will be different this year, as many people choose not to crowd stores and shopping centers in an effort to control the pandemic. Some families, as well, have been hit hard financially and may be trimming their gift-giving budgets. Here’s an invaluable but inexpensive gift suggestion.

Looking for a more meaningful gift this year? What about practical advice from the wisest Americans?

One of my local heroes (yes, she lives near me) is the advice columnist Amy Dickinson (otherwise known as Ask Amy). She has come up with a great idea: That everyone on Christmas morning should get a special gift: A book placed on the end of their bed for when they wake up in the morning. Amy’s point is one of the best presents we can give still comes in the form of an old-fashioned book.

At the Legacy Project, we hope you might consider giving the special gift of elder wisdom this year. 30 Lessons for Living; Tried and True Advice from the Wisest Americans offers the advice of over 1000 elders on topics like marriage, work, child-rearing, and growing older. Reviewers have praised it, like Harold Kushner (author of When Bad Things Happen to Good People), who wrote: “I can’t imagine anyone whose life will not be enriched by this book.” And it’s made it onto lists of top gift books.

And if you know someone who is searching for a partner or looking to make a long-term relationship work, the Legacy Project also has a book for that! A great gift is 30 Lessons for Loving: Advice from the Wisest Americans on Love, Relationships, and Marriage. They can learn from hundreds of people who have been happily married for 30, 40, 50 and more years.

Christmas and Hanukkah are times when many of us see our older relatives and most of us think back to those with whom we celebrated the holiday in the past. The goal of these two books is to make sure their wisdom is not lost, and to pass it on to generations to come.

An Elder’s Advice for Getting through the Crisis

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We have been asking older people for their advice on how we can cope with the current corona virus crisis. They have lived through other cataclysmic events, so we should take their suggestions very seriously. We’ve opened a new site where older people can share their advice, or younger people can interview their elders and post their advice. Please join in!

Ken, age 82, offers his advice to younger people:

The COVID-19 pandemic is a highly unusual period in everyone’s life. It has seemingly turned life up-side-down. I have experienced a variety of crisis in my 82 years, such as World War II,  the polio epidemic, deadly hurricanes, floods, and other traumatic events. There was a common thread that runs through each of them. That is, the people who truly care put their shoulders to the grindstone and do whatever it takes to help others survive and carry on. By pitching in and following the prescribed protocols and mandates, we will be helping to mitigate the virus’ deadly threats. That’s the least we can do.

We can do more if we live in a neighborhood or a community that needs help. Know what is happening to people’s lives as we work our way through this challenge. Start with one’s own family, one’s extended family, and one’s community. Families are making huge sacrifices and their concerns are not limited to health but to economics as well. It doesn’t matter if a person is 4 years old or 104 years old, there may be things that can be done to help one in need. Yes, be concerned about one’s own situation but focus on the greater good that could be done. Every day in life we are presented with a question. Am I contributing toward goodness or not? When we do contribute we can look back and not complain about the past but to have gratitude for how we were able to respond. Our gratitude can be for all the medical personnel and first responders who are on the front lines protecting us. We need not overlook all the essential workers and the legions of volunteers who devote   their time to make lives better for their communities. Yes, these are indeed challenging times but as all life on this amazing planet, we are all interconnected   and what we do to help others makes life not only have much meaning but makes us more human.

One brief story. I live in the Adirondack Mountains but I grew up along the coast of Rhode Island. As a child during WW II, we had many more governmental restrictions than the current virus restrictions. Most  everything was rationed or totally not available. Many food items were no longer available. Most everyone had to walk anyplace. There was limited gas   for cars. No cars were being made anyway. Auto makers were only making tanks. We had to use ration stamps when purchasing things. We could purchase only one pair of shoes each year. We had total blackouts on many nights do to German subs waiting off-shore to sink American ships. Daily practice bombing runs took place over our home by the Naval Aviators. So what do little kids do in my community? We had our little wagons and went door to door asking for scrap metal of any kind and rags. The metal went into making military weapons and the rags were for the war effort at home where they were need in the factories. Everybody pitched in to defeat the enemy. There was great fear on the part of our community but we all stuck together and did whatever we could to survive. Neighbors helped neighbors. That was then and this is now. Neighbors still help neighbors.

How to Survive a Crisis: Advice from the Wisest Americans

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Who better to tell us how to survive and thrive in a crisis than elders who lived through the Great Depression, World War II, and even the 1918 Spanish Influenza epidemic? It’s a pleasure to share these insights from the Cornell Chronicle.

The COVID-19 pandemic has us asking difficult questions: How will we survive this? What are we willing to sacrifice? What comes next?

In a moment that feels unprecedented, we can learn from the hard-won wisdom of a generation that weathered the most devastating events of the 20th century and lived to tell the tale.

Karl Pillemer, the Hazel E. Reed Professor in the College of Human Ecology’s Department of Human Development, began a 10-year project interviewing older Americans in 2003, his research described in his 2012 book, “30 Lessons for Living: Tried and True Advice from the Wisest Americans.”

Pillemer is also professor of gerontology in medicine at Weill Cornell Medicine, and senior associate dean for research and outreach in the College of Human Ecology. His major research interests include human development, with a special emphasis on family and social relationships in middle age and beyond.

For his research, Pillemer started with the premise that older people have invaluable knowledge on how to live well through hard times. The average age of his interviewees was 77; the oldest was 108. Approximately 1,000 of them outlasted the Great Depression, 1,200 endured World War II and 60 survived the 1918 Spanish flu pandemic.

He asked them: Based on your experience of these world-shaking crises, what advice do you have for living through them?

Take the long view

Although the COVID-19 pandemic is changing the nation, the very longevity of the oldest Americans is proof this crisis will end and rebuilding will begin. The elders can provide us with the long view, confirming in a literal sense that “this, too, shall pass.”

“I met Holocaust survivors, refugees from many of the early 20th century’s other major conflicts, and people who lost everything in the Depression,” Pillemer said. “By the time I sat with them 40, 50, 60, or 70 years later, they had built comfortable, often successful and fulfilling lives. Their message was extraordinarily clear: Crises occur, societies change and, with resilience, we recover and move on.”

Focusing on what your future can be a decade or more from now can provide an antidote to worry, the elders advise. This lesson is also a reminder: Present actions are the future stories of how we survived. What story do we want to tell?

Be generous

If you want to help yourself, the elders said, help others. Pillemer noted that their own poor families helped out even poorer ones during the Great Depression. They remember World War II as a time when communities came together and everyone joined hands and hearts to support one another at home.

“Generously assisting other people to the extent that we can is a major way people are able to feel a sense of control,” Pillemer said. “Whether that was helping other people during the Great Depression or assisting the war effort during WWII. Generously helping others is a very good, self-interested strategy.”

Don’t worry – prepare instead

The oldest Americans have experience worrying about an event, going through the event and dealing with the fallout. According to Pillemer, they overwhelmingly agree: At best, worrying wastes time; at worst, it increases your suffering.

“They found that the best antidote to gnawing worries was taking action,” Pillemer said. “Preparation for the worst doesn’t just make sense for your protection; it also makes you feel empowered. From their experience of crisis, they advise that conscious, rational planning greatly reduces free-floating worry.”

Enjoy small daily pleasures

The last lesson Pillemer shared was the importance of experiencing joy and savoring small daily pleasures. When people seek happiness, they often think about “big-ticket” items: buying a house, finding a partner, having a child, getting a new job, making more money. The elders tell us that a positive attitude in a crisis depends on thinking small.

“A morning cup of coffee … a brightly colored bird feeding on the lawn, an unexpected letter from a friend, even a favorite song on the radio,” he said. “Paying special attention to these ‘microlevel’ events forms a fabric of happiness that lifts them up daily. They believe the same can be true for younger people as well.”

Pillemer’s research highlights the wisdom of a disappearing generation, and the inestimable value of the stories and knowledge of the elders among us. And so, with no small amount of urgency, one final lesson taken from Pillemer’s lead: Ask your elders your questions while you can, and find comfort in their resilience.

Written by E.C. Barrett who is a freelance writer, for the Cornell Chronicle.

Elder Wisdom for Living through a Crisis

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The majority of our population has never lived through a global crisis like the current one. But there is a source of wisdom and reassurance for living through catastrophic times that has existed for as long as human beings have been human: The oldest people among us.

I began interviewing the oldest Americans in 2003, focusing on people in their 80s, 90s, and beyond. It was an opportune moment, because many members of the “War and Crisis Generation” were still alive. I was able to capture the advice of people who had lost everything in the Great Depression, fought in World War II or kept their families together during that time, or survived the Holocaust. Remarkably, I  interviewed over 60 people who lived through the 1918 Spanish Influenza epidemic, to which the current one is being compared.

You can find detailed advice for living well through hard times in my book, 30 Lessons for Living: Tried and True Advice from the Wisest Americans. But there’s one point I will make here that stands out: You will get through this, and it will one day be a memory rather than a current reality. In hundreds of interviews with people who lived through world-shattering events, I saw how they survived and eventually thrived. Taking the long view at a time like this can help you maintain peace of mind.

As you hunker down, take some time to listen to the elders who gave their advice on our YouTube Channel. Here are three of our favorite lessons about being resilient and not giving up when times get tough.

Home for the Holidays? Here’s Wisdom on How to Enjoy It

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It’s the time of year when extended families – who may not see much of one another during the year – come together to celebrate the seasonal holidays. If popular culture is to be believed, many parents and their adult children (and in-laws) look forward to the holiday with a mix of pleasure and worry about how everyone will get along. My surveys of approximately 2000 elders translate to the experience of around 160,000 Christmases or Hanukkahs. Here’s their elder wisdom for how families can have a harmonious holiday together.

Eliminate Politics from the Dinner Table Discussion

When you are together at the holidays, the elders advise, make contentious political arguments out of bounds. The elders say that these conflicts are simply unnecessary. Often, the urge is to make your loved ones “really understand” what’s going on in society and to show them how irrational or wrong-headed they are politically. The elders’ advice: Get your family to make it a rule to take noisy and unnecessary political debates off the table. (Remember, we’re not talking here about a lively, enjoyable political discussion; they mean the kind that ends with slamming doors and a spouse crying in the car).

Gwen Miles, 94, after many angry family fights over Democrats versus Republicans put her foot down: “I made the rule that there would be no discussions of politics when we were all together. And I said to my husband: “If Dad starts in about politics, I’m going to walk out of the room and you come see what’s wrong with me because I don’t want to hear this anymore.” The elders recommend applying this same rule to other “hot-button” issues  When buttons are pushed on a repetitive and sensitive topic, “just saying no” to the debate is an excellent – and potentially relationship-saving – option.

Don’t Try to Fix Each Other’s Life at the Holidays

When it comes to parents relating to their adult children, the elders are unequivocal: Let them live their own lives. They sum up this principle as: Don’t interfere unless they ask for your help. As Harriet, age 79, told me: “Give your kids their own lives. Don’t make demands on them. Just be there for them when they need you. And certainly don’t tell them what to do.” Joyce, 90, agreed: “It’s their life. It’s not my life. They all have their own way to do things and if they get into trouble and want some help, they’ll come to me.” Christmas dinner is not the time to exhort your child to get out of a relationship or get into one, to get a new job or stay in the old one, or to get his or her life on track. And the same holds true in the other direction: This is not the time for adult offspring to push the folks to sell the house or to start exercising. Let the holiday also be a break, the elders say, from trying to change one another.

Don’t Take Everything Personally 

The elders recommend an important strategy when the family is all together: de-personalize negative interactions as much as you can. By considering, for example, how parents’ (or parents-in-law’s) background and upbringing influence their attitudes and behavior, it’s possible to take conflict less personally and achieve some emotional distance in the relationship. Annie, 81, lived near her parents-in-law for most of her married life and the relationship was not an easy one. But when they got together on holidays, she made this rule: “Rather than assume the worst, it’s more helpful to assume that they are saying things to you because they want to help their child and you. Try to realize that their intentions are good and sometimes people, especially as they get older, can’t change the way they deal with others in their life.” Parents can take the same approach toward their adult children.

Remind Yourself Why You Are Doing It

This final tip from the elders is one that many have used like a mantra in difficult family situations. Tell yourself this: the effort to accommodate your family is one of the greatest gifts you can offer – both to them, and to yourself. The closest thing to a “magic bullet” for motivating yourself to put the effort into a Christmas gathering, the elders tell us, is to remember that you are doing it because you love your family. Talking about in-laws, Gwen said: “You may not like your in-laws very much but you certainly can love them and stay close to them.” According to our elders, stepping back and taking this larger view can get you through the mince pie with a minimum of stress.

 

The Problem of Ageism: How Does it Affect Both Old and Young?

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The problem of ageism is coming out of the shadows and into the public eye. I had the opportunity to be part of a fascinating panel hosted by The Atlantic, where we discussed the growing problem of age discrimination and what can be done about it. I was able to talk about my work with the World Health Organization, which is working to combat ageism around the world. Please share your thoughts on this important issue!