Dear Readers,
In the past you have come up with great advice for people who wrote to the Legacy Project blog asking for advice. Can you help this young woman, below? Please comment with your advice and suggestions!
She writes:
My partner and I are very different. I used to think that being different people made the relationship exciting, but three years later it is starting to take a toll on my happiness. I am constantly asking myself whether this is the person I want to spend my life with – and I don’t know the answer to that anymore. I love him with all my heart but I feel like I am outgrowing him. I am very career-driven. I just graduated university and on my way up the career ladder, whereas he is 7 years older than me with no formal qualifications and an entry level laboring job. When I get home from work I want to have intellectual conversations and am excited to share what happened during the day. He would listen but it would go right over his head and he will say “Oh yeah, well anyways today…” and start talking about something else. It just discourages me so much. Before I used to be fine with him finishing a work week and having a beer with the boys but now a week finishes and I want to have a quiet night at home with him – but he is still adamant on spending time with the boys and having a beer. I am over it; I just feel like I really need someone on my level. We are similar in every other way, culture, sense of humor, family and religious values, but it’s other things that get me down and make me question the relationship. I don’t think this comment has any structure at all (complete brain fart) but anyway. I would like to hear about anyone’s experience who has bitten the bullet and chosen to accept a difference and if it actually helps or whether you are better off finding someone more compatible?
Please weigh in!
The simple answer I was given was to put all the good things on one side of the balance scale, and the shortcoming/s on the other side – which side is heavier?
How did you work out these differences before marriage? Are they the real issue now or is there something else? And have you shared, lovingly, your feelings, fears and wants. If you are both committed to making it work you will find a way. If not, you’ll find a way out.
I strongly advise you not to marry this man. The differences that are showing up in your relationship are serious and deep ones, and it’s clear to me, as an outsider, that you and he live in very different worlds–and always will.
I married a man 14 years my junior, who was much like the man you describe. The marriage did not last. All the warning signs were there, and I ignored them. Don’t do that in your case. Stay friends with him, but look for someone on your own level and age.
I suggest you move on. The loving will eventually turn into regret, verbal attacks, less conversations, jealousy & eventually despise for each other. You sound like you’d be great friends, just not compatible in the areas that help us grow as individuals. People have ways of ‘anchoring’ us in relationships that will cause the loss of love for each other. It’s ok to move forward. You both need someone who will bring happiness into your lives in all areas.
Three years into our marriage, my husband and I had similar issues. We were both in school when he managed to snag a terrific full time job in his area of study and interest. While I was just getting started in college, he already had two years of classes under his belt and a bunch of experience through part-time and summer jobs. We’d come from different social and economic backgrounds, so I felt as though I was holding him back. He thought I wasn’t saving enough of his bigger salary.
Then while we were out to dinner with older friends, they shared something (having apparently picked up on our tension): “Marriage can be a contract or a commitment,” one of them said. “A contract says ‘I will if you will.’ Commitment is more ‘I will even if you won’t.'” They laughed and joked about how marriage is all hills and valleys and how you sometimes have to carry the other person up the other side, but what stayed with both my husband and me was the commitment part.
He and I have had a number of issues through our forty-five-year marriage (lots of valleys and hills!), but we stay committed to each other even in the dark times. It’s really been worth it.
In my humble opinion there are few things more important in a successful marriage than intellectual compatibility. There are many things you can overcome in a marriage but always feeling or knowing that your mate is not your intellectual equal will eventually cause resentment on both sides. Please be very cautious.This might not be the person for you.
This question presented last evening. I had to think about how to say what I think is the most important thing I would tell you IF YOU WERE MY YOUNGER SELF……..
I’m 58 years old. I’ve been married 24 years. I’m trying to leave..complications of finances and other issues need time to sift out. Doing all I can one step at a time.
Here is what I know.
If you really have to ask, you already know.
The most important relationship we have is the one we have with ourselves.
YOUR ARE the most important part of ANY equation.
Now you must learn to treat yourself as such,
and others will either do the same as you ask, or leave.
This is about boundaries.
Learning to love ourselves. Trust ourselves, is often difficult. But worth the work.
Find people in places where your interests are.. they will support you through sharing common interests, you can flourish.
The work to total self care isn’t always easy. But that is where the answer to personal happiness begins.
I believe. Through experience, this is the only way.
Take care of YOU first.
What do YOU need.
Love and Peace to you. Be well.
R.
I have been married for 48 years and I strongly feel you need to find someone who appreciates a mature conversation with you! It appears that this man is immature and not interested in you!
You say you have been with him 3 years and you are very unhappy. I feel you have to accept that he is not going to change!
You each have needs. You are already aware that a significant need for you is not being met. You will find another person to meet that need. If you are still with the first person, you or he will probably consider the new relationship “cheating,” and that will degrade or end your current relationship.
This is from my experience, which has been messy, painful, destructive and sad. Other than that, it’s great!
In my experience, its never been the other person. Your outer world is a reflection of whats going on inside. What is marriage anyways? A socialized contract? A social arrangement? Be your own soul mate xx. Then the people that are meant to be in your life will be. Others will fade. Trust the process/ the most joy is in the journey.
You are already alone in this relationship. You have changed and he is staying where he is. This is his choice. Seek people and connect with those who resonate to the current you. Letting go of those who no longer connect leaves you with energy for yourself and your curiosity. This happens throughout life when you stay true to yourself.