Many people who have come to this page are looking for answers to the problem of family estrangement. I’m 
excited to be able to offer an brand new resource. For my book, Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them, I interviewed hundreds of people in estrangements, including those who have successfully reconciled. The book is filled with compelling stories, concrete advice, and strategies and tips for healing family rifts. I hope you find it helpful!
In an earlier post, one of the Legacy Project elders shared her mixed feelings about having children. Loraine,89 , talked about accepting both the joy and the pain children can bring. She stated: “If you don’t have children now, when you have them you will have these moments. When you look at them and your heart – it’s like your heart takes all the pain and all the love for them that you have.”
We just received a comment on that post from one of our readers, who would like your advice:
What about when your children are disappointments? I would like to hear how parents handle situations when their most loved children are cause for a broken heart? Comments please!
We asked some experts for their advice, which you can find here.
Please note that the comments thread on this post is now closed.
I have so much sympathy for people on here. I had very a bad childhood. It took me years of suffering to realise that I don’t love myself & I had to learn to love myself. If you love yourself you’re not in need of other people to love you. This I only learned after I turned 50 years old. I’ve also learned that everything is just thought by listening to Michael Neill’s ”inside out revolution.” My son is 22 years old & he is a lovely child just lazy and I’ve realised all the mistakes I made with raising him. I’m working in a daycare centre & have realised most parents have no idea how to raise their children. I’m doing a program now for parents how to teach their children respect, manners, kindness, love and a lot more. If parents do not teach children how to respect them and other people when they are 3 when are they going to teach them and then the child becomes a teenager never had these principles discussed & taught and then show their disrespect.
I’ve made my life better by not concentrating on my problems & negativity from my siblings by been grateful for little things every day (walk outside & see the beautiful nature, look at the birds, the flowers). Volunteer at the animal shelter, soup kitchen, go to a daycare centre & read stories for the children. Find something to do, go for walks, sign up for clubs, go to church(they usually have groups you can join) Stop thinking about your problems, as they say, what you think about will expand in your life. Do the Ho’oponopono, sit in quiet & send them all love & forgiveness and stop thinking about what they did to you, stop having a victim mentality. I wished I’ve learned all these things a long time ago and raised my child with these principles of respect, forgiveness, kindness, self love and not been the victim. I see the parents at my daycare and how they mollycoddle these kids, a 3-year-old still gets carried into the centre instead of walking and be promised a lolly if they are good. That’s why I thought to do my program it is like a road map for the parents to teach the principles form birth.
Parenting is never easy and it hasnt been.
My daughter was a very loving caring well mannered child.
We have been estranged for about 4yrs.
She manipulated the rules to fit he needs. Not just the house rules but also the rules that no minor can be out of the house consecutively for 30 days.
Was told by juvenile crisis people she isnt a hard case and theres nothing they can do to help me, they are advocates for minors.
Anyway she stayed out skipped school. Got fined for skipping. Stole make up.
Is and has been doing drugs and Alcohol, in with the wrong crowd. Has no respect for any authority.
Plus went to jail for battery of me.
Recently she asked if she could move back shes now 19 (she left at 16)
She had a few bad days and ended up in hospital.
The rules were
Get counseling
Stop all drugs Alcohol
Job/school
And walk dog to offset rent .
Things were going well for awhile, then she began to stay out loose jobs, start lying about jobs she working.
We put a lock on the bedroom door, she has a habit of taking any and all loose change.
In reality she was taking coins that my partner had collected for 40yrs plus. Plus and cash he had.
We gave he another chance, unfortunately this past weekend she took about another $300 in cash from my bedside cabinet in the locked bedroom….
I kicked her out.
She completely freaks out and tells me im always moving things and misplaced it, tells me i dont remember conversations that we never had.
Trying to convince me im crazy and i cant do this to her
Stealing is never a good thing, the money is besides the point, its the blatant lying and violation of trust and not being able to trust her in my home.
We are no parniod that shes made a set of keys. And leave the house securing all screendoors.
Im always going to question myself as a parent, im at a loss. Im afraid to cry incase i cant stop.
I know im not alone, and lots of people go thru much worse with their kids at time,
I just never ever thought id be one of those people..
Thanks for letting me rant!
Holy crap do i feel your pain of utter sadness…mine didnt get into trouble but at 16 started being disprectful rude hateful and are almost 40 and STILL cop an attitude. I finally realized personality probs and DNA (identical twins.. it was fun up until 13 and since then not)… im in my 60s and i tell people be aware its not ALL how you raise them but i DID over indulge and let them get away with too much with much regret…
My son moved out to his dads last night after saying some of the most hurtful things ever. I am shocked at a couple of things he said to me and how he treated me. Christmas is a very special time for me and I go above and beyond to make it happy and memorable. I feel like this is tearing each apart even more because of the timing
He is been very hurtful to me on the past but this time he certainly crossed a line
I feel so down
I’m so sorry going thru the same thing with my 22 year old so who dad died when he was 14 so I over compinsate I excused the behaviour I try so hard to believe he’s telling me the truth about taking 200 then 100 and the 50 from his nephew Christmas money that was the last straw I kicked him out but I’m the one crying feeling heartbroken what a life .
My Daughter left with the Grandson that I helped raise over 10 months ago. She was on drugs and I had to call DFS. I had my Grandson for almost 2 months. Before this they lived with me for the first yr of his life and I had him 17 hrs per day. I was trying to get Guardianship the next week, but before I could, her Dad, who has had nothing to do with her or her Sister their whole lives, came to town for his Father’s funeral. He convinced DFS that he would take care of them, so DFS let my Daughter and her Dad come and take him to Virginia, I live in Missouri. Sebastian didn’t know him or anyone associated with him. He promised he would get her help, the baby help for the trauma. He promised there would be communication. My daughter let me see Sebastian over the phone for 2 weeks. Then nothing.
This Grandchild was like a son to me. I loved my Daughter and couldn’t stand what she was doing to herself and the trauma he was going through. I cry just about every day, it’s worse than a death because there is no closure. I would give anything just to see them, to hear their voices. My heart is shattered. I feel like I failed them both. I watch videos of my Grandson and tears flow like rivers. I never imagined in my wildest dreams that this would happen. I do blame DFS for allowing them to take him under the circumstances that my daughter was under the influence of heroin and that my Daughter hadn’t even adhered to what DFS had asked for. There was also the circumstance that the babies Father was abusing my Daughter and shooting her up in front of him. I was trying to do everything in my power to get Sebastian help. The Father is in jail or prison here in Missouri. I blame my self for not being there for my Daughter, but I couldn’t make her stay away from the Baby’s Father or the drugs. She wasn’t raised that way. I was not the model parent, but I wasn’t on drugs.
Everyday I just pray and give it to God because I know that he will take care of everything. She does allow messages through FB and for that I am grateful. I have apologized a million times. I tell them how much I miss and love them as much as I can, yet the hurt, heartbreak and being physically sick is always there. Please pray for my Daughter and Grandson, bring them back home Jesus.
My daughter ran away at 16 and a half with a dad she never knew or was raised with. She was raised by me and her step dad but wanted to get money out of her biological Dad after we refused to buy her a car. (She told all this to her best friend). We didn’t even know they were communicating. The courts we’re going to make her come home and said that she had to go back to school the next day so she said we were abusive even though it was a lie and her story kept getting more ridiculous. We had to get a lawyer and spent thousands again. They even went to my kids school to interrogate them but found no evidence of truth to her allegations.
Her friend had a sweet sixteen party so her mind was set in one. We spent thousands on a sweet 16 six months before she left after giving her a choice between a car or a party and she chose a sweet 16 party then was mad we wouldnt buy her a car. (Especially after we bought a SUV for our family car) She felt entitled to it. Everyone that loved her so much is so hurt by her.
She slept around after she left living with different people. I gave her everything because I felt bad for her because of the rejection from her biological Dad. He tried to get me to abort her but I left him instead and he refused to see her growing up and he eventually got in trouble with the law. She once wrote a song for him and cried even though she had a loving step dad that favored her and would do anything for her. She treated him like crap in the end.
She left home out of the blue because we argued about her cleaning her room. She even had rotten food under her bed and inside her closet. I gave her the master bedroom with the bathroom. She was so manipulative with me. She lied so she wouldn’t have to come back after running away. She got her biological dad to buy her a convertible and started drinking and doing drugs and now is pregnant at 18. So sad for her and praying someday she will realize what she did and mostly that she can mature and be a good mom.
My heart broke so bad from her betrayal selfish ways and I still am in disbelief and can’t figure out what went wrong. I can only assume maybe some mental illness since her moods changed like a switch all her life but much worse with puberty! It’s been 2 years now and I’m still in disbelief about her and heartbroken. Don’t spoil your kids it will back fire because they become so entitled and materialistic!
Angela…your story sounds so much like mine. I won’t get into the details, but our stories are very similar. My daughter has had so many chances, and yet refuses to acknowledge the issues involved. I’ve had to lock all money in a safe that only I or my wife can open. I feel awful about it, but what else to do? And the lying is just heartbreaking.
My ex husband is an alcoholic. We’ve been divorced for 10 yrs but he is still, to this day, impacting me through my children who are 18 and 20. He often doesn’t have a job despite having 2 bachelors degrees. I finally, after many years, filed for back child support. He didn’t have a job at the time. What I didn’t understand is that child support services would not only clean out his bank accounts , but take his tax refund and stimulus money. My children haven’t spoken to me for 6 months because of this even though the money was going to be for them. He and his family have all been crying to them about what a horrible a person I am taking a jobless man’s money. Unfortunately, I have no control over how the money is collected. My therapist said I have taught my kids to be co-dependent and they are rescuing their father. I fear they will never speak to me again. I have been a good mother. I can honestly say that a day never went by that they didn’t know I loved them. I am missing them so much and my heart is broken.
God l feel all your stories lm so stuck with my situation my step kids mum
Died last year aged 20/18/17, there Dad moved in with me so they could all be together, my now husband of 6 months has had a fall out with my son both nearly fighting and me in the middle my husband saying your just like your Dad to my son. My son has now temporarily moved to his Sisters, as they both saying they can’t live together, my husband feels my son doesn’t help around the house mostly and l do everything! My son was in a domestic violence relationship when l was with his Dad they speak but not much else. Any advise helpful
My only granddaughter is 33, single, no job. Her dad is my son. Her mom has issues.
We bought a nice trailer home for her and put it on our property. She has gone from job to job. Lies to us and has stolen money and checks in the past. I had to confront her and locked my home where she can not get in when we are not here. Trust I lost and it hurts.
We have bailed her out so many times and so has her dad. Her mom and other grandmother does not do anything to help her.
She was a cute little girl but has lost pride in what she looks like. She is messy in her house and did not appreciate it. She talks rude to me and her dad. I don’t know if she even talks to her mom. They are so much alike. I keep my home clean and have pride in myself even at my age.
She hurts me and her dad so much. Only time she comes around is when she wants money.
Should we just quit giving her money and helping her when she want really try. You can’t tell her anything. I feel sorry for her and I want what’s best for her, but I don’t think helping her is helping. What should I do?
Dear Margaret,
I would not give your granddaughter anymore money. You have treat her with tough love. She not going to learn if you keep giving her money.
I have long thought that a forum for broken hearted parents is so needed. My son has kidney failure due to type 1 diabetes he got as a child.. He has struggled with dialysis and so many operations in the past few months. It breaks my heart. This week he lost his job he’s been battling to keep through all his surgeries.. And has found out his wife was cheating on him while he was in hospital. He is so broken I don’t know how to help him, I’m on the other side of the world and I pray to God everyday for the situation to improve but its got worse. I can’t bear the pain he is going through. Hearing him so broken so hurt and so angry over the phone was so so hard. Sometimes being a parent takes all we can bear and more.
My son married a woman with 2 children. They were young and I treated these kids like they were My own grandchildren. Then they had my granddaughter, I was thrilled and a year after she had my grandson. My husband and I had the kids a lot. My daughter in law got sick. She was sick for 3 years. We helped them out with their rent, food, money and lots of babysitting. At 38 years old, she passed away. My grandchild who were 5 and 6 at the time. My step grandchildren went to live with their father. My son and his two children came to live with us. Four months after my daughter in law passed away, a woman who went to school with him talked him to coming to Texas, we live in Massachusetts. They were always talking to each other. He would go to visit her, she was pregnant at the time with someone else’s baby. She never told the father she was pregnant. She put my son’s name on the birth certificate. Again he went to Texas and they secretly got married. My son came back and told me he was moving to Texas with the kids. We were heartbroken. My husband and I have taken care of those children since they were babies. They had another baby girl last October, which we never seen. They sent my two grandchildren to us for the summer. They do not like being in Texas. Now it is getting close to them going back and I am sick to my stomach about sending them bsck, because my new daughter in law is controlling, manipulative and mean. I also just found out that she has bottles of vodka everywhere, even in here car. Her mother confirmed to me that she is a alcoholic. My son does not want to talk about it. We haven’t had much of a relationship for a year. I am very upset and don’t know what to do? I cry all the time.
I feel all your pain , have and am there in one form or another. Being a parent you raise them to the best of your ability and hope that they will be will functioning adults. It my case I have one daughter who has totally disowned me which ripped my soul apart and shattered my heart into pieces. My oldest daughter and I had grown very close to the point where she could not understand why her little sister was like that, but now since this guy as come into her life I don’t see her anymore. So this is my take on parenting love them , pray for unconditionally and protect yourself. Don’t allow there disrespect or hater to hurt more than you are already hurt. It’s hard to figure out the what’s, the why’s and how come ,but just don’t . This is not your fault they are their own person and if they are going to allow hate and bitterness rule them than they are really hurting themselves .as parents we need to let go and love ourselves and know there is a higher power that sees all.
Been there. Done that. I have learned that in life we have choices. We can choose to let our heartaches continue to hurt and hold back our happiness and well-being. It can go on for years and even till we die.
Or, we can CHOOSE to accept it, “What is. Is!” And make the best of our lives. We are each responsible for our happiness. Choose acceptance. Choose happiness. Choose to find joy!
Our daughter left last year she had just Turned 21she moved out no forwarding adress My self and My husband had give her a great life all she wanted, the only Fault that we had was her sleeping out With a lot of Guys not tidying her Room or doing diishes or helping at all or Even just eating dinner With us,i would be making dinner and she would come from her Room dont want anything im going out. At twenty she was an adult we cant say much, ive felt sad about our situation ive blaimed myself and My husband he took a brain hemerage at the age of 44 our daughter was allmost nine so i gave up My jobb to take care of Both of them and try to keep our family as Whole as possible,IT was tough but her dad was so happy his little girl was always their. Shes left now living With a Guy no jobb bad rekord you could say a criminial his dad has been in prision, i dont Know much about them as ive never met them, but she has nothing no tv no furniture Curtains who lives like that is Love so blind, or is IT something else, ive had coffee With her a few Times ive Even had her dad out and were had pizza together, she just seems cold sometimes shes just like our daughter but then shes cold, Tells us his family Love her and hes a great Guy wanting us to meet him, we have no intension IF after one year he lives With our daughter and dosent incourage her to go to her parents hes not worth our time.my husband and myself have a Nice life we have found each other again we lost our way taking care of our daughter With school house riding ballet song and extra Lessons privatly to help her pass exams we just have to take life as IT comes ive told her im not begging shes our daughter and we our just concerned about her. I hope someday she realises that a Mother and father that has Done the best we could did without etc do not deserve this type of punishment. And i do believe that children who do this Are never happy.
my adult son was doted as a child he was 9 years younger than his brother and we did everything with him practice sports boating everything and he ended up getting a girl pregnant 17 they got married and we have two beautiful granddaughters and he had an affair and that end of the marriage and he ended up remarrying and I just never connected with his new wife and there’s something about her it struck me wrong and we had held our wedding in our back beautiful backyard did everything to prepare and now today we are not speaking she has two children shoulders I think there’s some jealousy there but now he is on a malicious spree to discredit me and doesn’t want me to choose my granddaughter’s or anything it’s heart-wrenching I don’t know what to do
My Daughter cut me out of her life when her Father showed up, she had heard nothing from him for over 40 years he had nothing to o with her up bringing, all of a sudden he was the was the worlds greatest Dad and I was given the boot, in 2 days time it will be her birthday and I know I can’t send a card, the pain is awful but I can’t stop being her Mum, God bless the child, she must have a dreadful life to do this to me.
Hi everyone,
I am a grandmother who has done nothing but support my family particularly a daughter with drug addiction who had her children removed by dcp. Over the years my grandaughter 17 has lived with me but we have had our grandson for near on 10 years. He has a relationship with his mum which i dont restrict but over the last few years he has become very disrespectful, aggressive and abusive towards me he calls me terrible names and says terrible things to me. He is constantly angry and i believe the affect of his childhood is highly responsible for his emotions as well as his difficult age of being19. We suffer daily from his behaviour especially me in the fact of no respect for our home age or medical problems and pleases himself in every aspect of life in our home. I and him have such terrible arguments as he targets all his issues at me, and i find myself breaking down more and more from his behaviour. We have told him to leave but he will not go as there are benefits here for him we try to get him to pay board etc ;but he feels no obligation to pay his way, we are in a situation that he can only be thrown out with nowhere to go as he wont go to his mother and that leaves us in a difficult situation to throw our grandson out in the street. He does not take drugs or consume large amounts of alchahol but i believe he has a narcissist personality which has developed from his trauma as a child. We are at our wits end due to our age. I saw this website and feel for all the people who are going through the heartache that their children ae causing them I have no wise words other than to say that if you can you need to cut off the one who is hurting you as painful as it may seem it does give you peace in your life which sadly is what i intend to do with my grandson because their hurtful ways are to hard to bear and only hurt you while they continue on their way with no remorse, pain ,respect or love for the hurt they are causing you .
So grandparents can also suffer the heartache that parents do
May you all have your angels standing by you
After reading many of these posts as far back as 2015 I am left with the thought that life is complicated and raising children comes with no guarantees. My 40 y/o daughter and I were close until about 10 years ago. Now she wants little to do with me. She was raised in a middle class home, never went hungry or without anything. She is successful in her career, married and independent, but clearly resents me. I made sure I told my children everyday that I loved them and hugged them daily. My son developed substance abuse issues when he was 15 a few years after I divorced his father. My son died from an intentional overdose in May of this year. He had ups and downs as one would expect. He too was disrespectful while intoxicated, but never when sober and I had a healthy detachment in his last few years, but I loved him very much and I know he loved me. He was a difficult child and I wonder if my daughter felt left out as he took up a lot of my attention over the years. I have always been there for my children, or at least I thought I was. There father has not been there and sometimes I think I have become the lighting rod for all their angst and unhappiness. My daughter and I take breaks from each other, we are on one now. Her emotions seem frozen and her words and attitude are hurtful. They cut through me like a knife. It’s is hard not to ask myself what happened, what did I do, what is the missing piece. As many have said, I too refuse to be treated with contempt, but it sure is hard to cut the cord completely. I appreciate those who have shared on this blog. It is comforting to know that I am not alone in this unfortunate situation.
All I ever wanted in this life was to have two children who would always be there for each other. I’m an only child whose parents were both only children. My sons until quite recently used to tell me they had nearly perfect child hoods. Then, my oldest son met his fiance who is nearly my exact opposite. For absolutely no reason he called me some insanely horrible things which no one I know can understand. My younger son saw the disrespect and the two sons basically nearly killed each other. Now, the younger son is furious with me because I just asked him for an unsettled peace while they are visiting at Christmas. They are both like two fully loaded nuclear warships running full steam towards each other. In the midst of this, my marriage is really just a business partnership, there is zero emotional support. And, my mother with dementia has forgotten who I am in the middle of this pandemic. Besides that, because of pain, I haven’t been able to sleep in my bed at night for over seven years. I can’t even have a dog because of things the neighbors have done. Not being able to talk with anyone is now more than I can bear. I’m just shattered and done with this entire fiasco.
I married a man who I later realized was an alcoholic. I got pregnant on my honeymoone. We separated when my son was 6 and divorced when he was 12. I was the sole earner and sole custody of my son. I had to chaperone all visitation which was more frequent when my son was younger and then less frequent when my ex moved 5 hours away. He has lived in sober living group homes since the separation and was frequently drunk during visitation. My son blames me for marrying him and that is the reason he had a terrible childhood. He blames me for having a child. My son was a beautiful and sweet child but as a teenager he has turned on me and hates me. I probably spoiled him and also neglected him because I had to work so many late hours. He clearly resents me. A few years ago I took him on vacation and he said I can’t make up for all the time after school I wasn’t there for him by taking him on vacation and I was a terrible mother. But I was making support payments to the ex and also supporting my son and myself. I am not sure what he thinks I could have done differently other than, married a better man or not have a child oe maybe won the lottery so I could stay home. He came out as gay and I have been very accepting yet everything I say is wrong. He gets mad if I don’t call myself ci-gender. He got mad that I said about some friends who are gay and married that one was the “wife” and the other the “husband” because they had seemingly assumed those roles. He said that it is prejudiced to ever compare gay marriage to non gay marriage. He speaks to me in a monotone voice like he is “gray rocking” me or an angry contemptuous voice and cringes if I try and hug him or touch him. He won’t come out of his bedroom even to eat, I have to serve him meals in there and take the dirty dishes out. He only comes out when he knows I am in my bedroom. In short he acts like I am a monster and that makes me feel like maybe I was a monster though I can’t believe anything I did was so monstrous. I am sure I was not perfect. He has ADHD and I did get frustrated about all the missing/not done home and the poor grades despite his extremely high IQ and I would remind (or nag) him to do his homework every day and exhort him to work harder and bring his grades up. He would not take the medication and just got mad at me for talking about school with him. He refused to have a tutor – he broke a (plastic Ikea) lamp over my head one day because I ignored his wishes and got him a tutor anyway in a class he was failing (German). She was a very nice lady. So anyway, he has his legitimate beefs with me – he was surely lonely growing up, had trouble making friends and I wasnt around enough, his dad is a loser, and i was a nag about the school stuff, but all of this does not seem to me to be reason for him to hate me the way he does. I never remarried and am not even in a relationship because with the job and the high needs child there did not seem to be enough time or energy for that. So I am probably taking it to heart more than I should. It is hard to live alone with a person, your child, who is your entire heart, all your love spent on that one person, and who has rejected you and basically treats you like a leper every day. I think about death a lot and wonder if it will get better or worse when he moves out for college and I am spending every single discretionary cent I make to cover tuition and he still won’t speak to me.
I am 51 years old and a wife and mother of 3 grown children. I am at a loss right now because my grown son 28 is married and expecting their first baby. The woman he is married to is very manipulative and always plays the poor pitiful me card. She is an only child and by what I have witnessed and been told by her is her relationship with her mother is very toxic. I have done everything I can to be there for her and be respectful of her because she is my sons wife. With that being said since getting pregnant in December she has become even worse to deal with and now my son has not spoken to me in 3 days because of something she did not get her way about. Mind you I work with my son everyday and it has been 3 days and he has even yet to acknowledge I am here. I have tried to say hello with nothing in return, it’s obvious he is very upset but in the past talking to him lads to even more distant relationship. I’m at a loss and have no idea what to do. They have been together for 7 years and she has never changed but now is worse. I feel in my opinion she will use this grandbaby as a manipulative tool rather than letting me be a grandmother. Help with advice is greatly appreciated.
At 17, I decided my life’s happiness could only be full, if I lived a life that was surrounded by the love of a spouse and children… My life has seen some financial hard times. But always, always plenty of love. There is so much love in my heart for my children, both naturally born, and fostered. My first born child died ,at age 39, a few years ago. I thought nothing could hurt so bad. But my daughter now has cut me out of her life for something i did not do! She said unthinkable things as I tried to understand her anger. She will not accept any communication to reconcile. My spirit is broken
It saddens me to read all these comments ,but helps me in a way too,I remember I worked with a girl she was younger than me ,but she said something that I thought I could never do (and thankfully haven’t had to ) she said if she had to decide , she would choose her hubby. over her child, and reading all these posts it kind of makes sense.
I loved my kids so much and still do but they’re breaking my heart. I gave my kids all the attention and things I never got as a kid. When they were interested in music, I paid for private lessons, expensive instruments, and I attended every show. I planned fun family vacations and created homemade birthday parties with cakes I would decorate with their favorite characters or themes. Their dad was lazy and that caused lots of problems in the marriage and I was saddled with so much housework that I did take on an interest outside of the house and went out on the evenings 2-3 times a week. Even with my own interest, i still managed all the details of the house and my children’s needs. Now my daughter says I was an abusive parent. My son, who has severe major depression, hasn’t spoken to me since January. That was when I took him to lunch and said I wish I had a closer relationship with him. Finding my daughter’s poem on her private instagram about what she thinks was my “abusive” behavior was the final straw. My heart is broken clean in half. I wasn’t a perfect mom but I tried so hard to give as much as I could to my kids and as young adults all they do is dwell on anything bad – even when it was actions I took to try to help them like encouraging my son to find a job. I know I’m a good person, and I try to think about my close friendships and relationship with my own mother, whom I help care for, to understand that my children are being far too hard in their judgment of me.
When you talk to the kids in question, often you find that those heartbroken parents who sob “why do they treat us like this? We gave them eeeeeverryyyythiiiiiing….” were in fact dictatorial micromanagers who controlled every aspect of their child’s life to the nth degree, punished the slightest of infractions cruelly and severely and howled about your disrespect when you weren’t falling-down grateful for this life you never wanted. They sob and wail to everybody who will listen about how butt-hurt they are and how ungrateful you are.
My mother was a malignant narcissist who saw us as extensions of herself. She controlled the most miniscule aspects of our daily lives, down to the clothes and jewelry we wore each day. enabled our father’s addictions and abuse, forcing us to lie about our injuries.
Now she whines and cries about how ungrateful we are, because in her mind she was a loving nurturer who sacrificed her own happiness for us only to be cruelly abandoned after we were grown and no longer needed her. Ungrateful ingrates. Cruel heartbreakers.
Yeah, take everything they say as gospel, always
In an earlier post, one of the Legacy Project elders shared her mixed feelings about having children. Loraine,89 , talked about accepting both the joy and the pain children can bring. She stated: “If you don’t have children now, when you have them you will have these moments. When you look at them and your heart – it’s like your heart takes all the pain and all the love for them that you have.”
agario unblocked
I just accepted this very day that I no longer feel as close to or like my daughter anymore. She’s my middle child and I was always extremely close and protective of her. Raising her was the easiest. And I’ve always been extremely proud to be her mother. But over these past few years she’s become someone I don’t know anymore. And if I did know someone like her, I wouldn’t with nor be friends with anyway. My stomach hurts at the thought that I have to even be in her presence.
These new feelings that I am now acknowledging to myself makes me want to cry. In a million years I never thought it would be even remotely possible to be in this place.
I just accepted this very day that I no longer feel as close to or like my daughter anymore. She’s my middle child and I was always extremely close and protective of her. Raising her was the easiest. And I’ve always been extremely proud to be her mother. But over these past few years she’s become someone I don’t know anymore. And if I did know someone like her, I wouldn’t fool with nor be friends with anyway. My stomach hurts at the thought that I have to even be in her presence.
These new feelings that I am now acknowledging to myself makes me want to cry. In a million years I never thought it would be even remotely possible to be in this place.
I know some children really did have horrible situations. My heart aches for them. But I find too often that narcissistic adult children like to come on these posts and rant with anger and hate in their words towards parents, family members calling THEM the narcissists or gaslighters. And they assume that all the parents of these estranged adult kids are to blame. Not so.
You can tell what kind of person you are dealing with by whether they have any empathy, compassion, remorse, humility, love or even sadness that life is the way it is. But if it’s all hate, bitterness and blame game, be cautious. That person just might actually be the problem, or narcissist in the family.
My daughter blames me for all her angst,every failure, disappointment or broken promise she experienced in life became my fault. They arent. She cannot look in the mirror at her role in our oil and water relationship. I have. I’ve communicated that inner self reflection. She responded with cruelty. She wasn’t abused. She wasn’t controlled. She wasn’t neglected. (Except neglected by her mostly non existent, narcissist, pathological liar dad growing up). Who now gets to be dad of the year with the cash flow. But she SAYS she was. She was spoiled, loved and provided for including hobbies and adventure, while trying to install respect for others and especially herself. Sometimes these kids or adult kids project their hurt and anger and life disappointment onto the parent who WAS there for them and who sacrificed out of love to give them the best life they could. If you’re not an adult child who has your own adult children you may not understand this on any level other than to think we exaggerate when we say sacrifice, but we literally do sometimes. Including making up for a missing parent. Parents who know they weren’t perfect and can say so, as do so many parents here, like myself, are hurt. That we are rejected over trivial conflicts that typically spark from their lack of respect towards us. And frankly, I’m ok saying we should get credit for all the things we got right, and also forgiveness for the things we didn’t. But no. They project all of life’s bitterness onto the supportive parent. Never the one that was M.I.A. They also, historically looking back, blame everyone else for every broken relationship they’ve ever had. Every failed job. Every mistake they made. Was someone else’s fault. They cannot look in the mirror. At their own role going into adulthood. Most parents here, love, and only want healing for estrangements with our loved ones. I know I do. I want the opportunity for a healthy happy relationship moving forward that works for both of us and the rest of our family. But 2 years into our estrangement my 29 yr old daughter still talks hateful about me and LIES. That’s all her. Not me. So, Which person can acknowledge the failings, commit to healing, and love unconditionally, and which one ONLY blames, lies, spews hate, cuts everyone off who was there for them, without regard to who it hurts, including their own innocent children, and says they have NO feelings about any of it? Well, way them out and you’ll see, there’s your narcissist. It’s NOT always the full-time parents fault… 😢😔
I’m an adult and I have learned to except my daughter will maybe never grow into a space of healing with me, I still pray that will change, but what I cannot accept is that she is emotionally abusing my bff innocent granddaughter who is now 8, that we helped raise for 6 years, and who feels her home is at our place, through no fault of hers or ours, by telling her she has to “hate all of us forever”. It’s breaking my granddaughters heart , it’s so sad, but my daughter DOES NOT CARE. So which of us has a problem?😢
To you ladies and men suffering estrangement, all you can do is own what you might need to own, from your adult child’s view, communicate that, try to bring reconciliation through love, respect their space, but if you are not met with any type of healthy response, you have to stop beating yourself up. Stop blaming yourself for their issues. No matter what happens to us in life, we all have a choice whether we hold grudges and bitterness in our hearts or whether we choose to work at having healthy loving relationships. Only one is good for the soul. So do the best you can to mend things WITHOUT TAKING ALL THE BLAME, and then focus on being your very best self. Out your energy into that. And focus on all the friends and family you DO have in your life that love and respect you, not the “empty chair” at the table. Let life be full and fulfilling, doing things you love, because it’s too short to wallow in grief every day. Never lose hope (but don’t cling to expectations) and one day, maybe things will change with your estranged child. Love yourself for everything you did right and for all the good you have in you. ❤️❤️❤️
Very late to this but I think it’s easy for parents of relatively “easy” children to judge parents who have, shall we say, complex children without having a clue what goes into parenting such a child. I know – I have one straightforward, popular high achieving child, and one extremely complex, intelligent and (in many ways) lovely, but heartbreakingly disliked and misunderstood child. He is probably autistic but we have never sought a diagnosis because it won’t change anything or peoples attitudes towards him. I have to battle him into school and give him extra tutoring (that’s where the degree went), he has no friends and is picked on because of his social skills and struggles to regulate himself emotionally.
I have worked unbelievably hard and consistently tried to socialise my child from the time he was a baby onwards (I took him to many baby groups, playgroup, nurseries, play dates etc) so it’s not for a lack of trying or not teaching him manners *rolls eyes*. Some things and people just are no matter what you do I have learnt. Looking back I can see both of my children were basically who they are from birth and nothing I did really made that much difference either way. I am not complaining but I have basically given up most of my life to give my eldest the best life I can. Until you walk in those shoes you cannot judge or sneer, but plenty do. To those parents fighting the (invisible but real) battle, keep going. You may feel alone, but you are not.