Many people who have come to this page are looking for answers to the problem of family estrangement. I’m 
excited to be able to offer an brand new resource. For my book, Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them, I interviewed hundreds of people in estrangements, including those who have successfully reconciled. The book is filled with compelling stories, concrete advice, and strategies and tips for healing family rifts. I hope you find it helpful!
In an earlier post, one of the Legacy Project elders shared her mixed feelings about having children. Loraine,89 , talked about accepting both the joy and the pain children can bring. She stated: “If you don’t have children now, when you have them you will have these moments. When you look at them and your heart – it’s like your heart takes all the pain and all the love for them that you have.”
We just received a comment on that post from one of our readers, who would like your advice:
What about when your children are disappointments? I would like to hear how parents handle situations when their most loved children are cause for a broken heart? Comments please!
We asked some experts for their advice, which you can find here.
Please note that the comments thread on this post is now closed.
I first wrote in this forum in May 2017. I wrote again in December 2017. I get notifications when a new post is added. It’s helped me a lot to know I am not alone. I used to live in a neighborhood where it was all about keeping up appearances so it was challenging to find others who would have empathy and share about the challenges of raising strong willed children and teens.
I wanted to share some good news. Our now 22 year old daughter has completely turned her life around. She finally saw the light and dumped the enabled, entitled, criminal and abusive boyfriend and is now with a young man who has helped to dramatically change her life for the better. We’ve had many talks about what happened and for the most part I am at peace with the situation. There are still a couple of things I am perplexed about but at this point need to let it go and move on. She has apologized for her part in what has happened as have I to her.
We moved across the country which was helpful in the healing as well. So I no longer live in a ghost town of memories. Our daughter recently visited and what a gift to have her “back”! This all happened after we left and I could not be more grateful.
I know it won’t happen for everyone but please know there is always hope they will “come home”. Now I am entering a difficult period with my now 16 year old. She is turning out to be more like her sister than I would have liked. I have learned and am handling her far differently. But it’s still a real challenge. All the best to everyone here.
Being cut out by my adult sons is hard enough. What I can’t adjust to is they never make contact even though they know I am seriously ill and may only have one or two years left – or less. How about a simple ‘how are you’, even if only once a year???!!!
My daughter is 21 and has not spoken to me in three weeks I’ve done everything for her we got in an argument because she brought home a puppy after I told her no I watched the dog for over a month while she worked. I am allergic to dogs but I fell in love with the dog I spent hundreds of dollars on the dog. I tried to give advice about the dog saying she should keep the dog on a schedule because her 30 year old boy friends twin wouldn’t let the dog stay at his house and they were going out for pizza and my daughter was leaving the dog in the car while they ate I told her she was messing up the dog and she screamed that I was screwing up the dog. The following morning she was leaving for work and she was going to leave the dog I said no because I’m screwing up the dog per her she and I had an argument and she told me to f myself. I haven’t seen her since and she lives with my brother who I’m not speaking with now because of this. I kept my hopes up went Christmas shopping and bought her dog something but my husband told me she got rid of the dog. My heart broke. I apologized to her and told her I loved her. She ignores me I have depression and anxiety and recently had an issue of memory loss so I’ve been seeing a neurologist and am having every test known to man. My husband told my daughter and she said I just want her to feel sorry for me. That’s not true. I was hoping we would mend before Christmas because every Christmas Eve we go to my brothers house and now we aren’t because she this there. I cry every day. My parents are heart broken that my brother and I done speak but he isn’t trying to get us to talk so now they are bringing up how they are 70 and don’t have a lot of Christmas’s left. So with all my health and family problems I’m not celebrating Christmas I took down my tree. Please I need advice I don’t know what to do having depression makes it worse. My husband is not really helpful in fact he brought her her clothes without telling me he said he had to or my brother was going to buy her new clothes. Help please!! Sorry if there are errors I’m doing this on my phone in tears.
I am a 59 year old wife, mom, and “Mamaw”. This year we were blessed with surprise triplets. My son and his partner have six kids in all, ages 4 and under to 4 months (the triplets). My husband and I have helped them with everything and I have never had a fight with my 30 year old son. One day, his partner wanted to split up and the next day, they are. Ack together but said we are out of their lives and the grandchildren. I was the main caretaker of the grandchildren, other than mom and dad. Her family did not help.
Then mom’s mother and aunt posted lies about us on Facebook. It has been devastating. They are only using the children to punish us for whatever.
I have other grandchildren, thank goodness, but it makes it hard to face life daily and our hearts are so broken, especially here at Christmas. I pray that things will improve but never dreamed that my children could do something like this.
Diane (post 3/16/18)
Your post has rang a bell with me. My 21yr son has shut me out once again. I have pretty much begged him not to do it again and am even ashamed of myself for becoming that desperate. I am just a basket case once again. How on earth did you get your son to come around? I am desperate for help. I have prayed and prayed and prayed, to the point of now I am even mad at God bc I have tried so hard.
I also had a daughter who drank , smoked almost got expelled from school ,but we fought hard and thought we’d won the battle ! At 21 she proclaimed she must have a child to make her complete ! She gave birth to,a lovely little girl, but refused to,inform the ex boyfriend he was a Father! Then she decided she didn’t want the child ,my husband an I took care of them both , then my daughter went back to her old ways calling me all the names under the sun , staying out , sleeping around , getting drunk , and worst ignoring her daughter ! My husband and I raised our granddaughter in the end having to,get courts involved and we were given custody ! My granddaughter met her partner when she was 15 a controlling individual, who lived in Canada and eventually came to the UK to live in our home when my GD was 18 , I made the mistake of saying I didn’t like the partner , because I felt they had an agenda ! After that my GD and her partner ran away in the middle of the night ! We had no contact for 18mths , my GD and her partner are now back in Canada ,and we had started to build bridges ! Out of the blue my GD contacted her Mother ( hasn’t spoken for 12 yrs) now all of a sudden my husband and I are horrible people , we deprived her of her mother ( even though the court went into in-depth interviews with her on who she wanted to live with ) we are apparently to blame for everything , the court insisted my Daughter and the father paid a small amount of maintenance, My granddaughter sent me a message , saying that was my money , why didn’t I see any of it ?you should have saved it and given it to me when I we really to college ! I’m so upset how after we loved her and did our best and spent a lot more on her than the amount we got off her parents , she can only be concerned about money she thinks she’s entitled to , my answer was ‘ you saw all of it and much more besides ‘ ! Like others on here , I think we gave her to,much , possibly trying to make up for her parents abandoning her ! I never believed she could be so mercenary, or hurtful . I don’t know what is wrong with the adult children today , years ago we respected our parents , now the young adults feel they have a right to judge us and criticise us for not coming up to their standards as parents . I am broken hearted that after one conversation with a woman that didn’t want her , I am the one in the wrong , and back to being ignored
I’m so sorry to read all the previous posts.
It’s amazing the pain that people we love can cause us. I came to this site because I was hurting, Christmas has just past and my youngest son (Air Force)is back at his base 12 hours away from us. I’m a fortunate person my 3 sons and my daughter are all wonderful, loving young adults who keep in touch with us and each other .
I know missing him is natural but it’s amazing to me how much it hurts not having him at home.
After reading the above post I have come to see things a bit differently.
My heart truly goes out to the parents of children who cut them from their lives or burden them with the pain of selfishness and thoughtless behavior.
I hope God can give you peace and the strength to continue to care and love your children even though you may be estranged.
Remember ,unlike many marriages this is a commitment we have taken on “ till death do us part” and we must persevere.
I urge all of you suffering to take the high road in difficult situations and believe in your love of your children . Things can turn around and if they don’t the example of selflessness you give them may benefit someone else down the road.
Change your phone number, your will, and even your address if you can. Give her what she wants and don’t look back. It is what it is. Pray for your own peace of mind. She’s on her own let her have it her way. Don’t bail her out financially or any other way. Look out for yourselves. How much time do you have left? Sadly there selfish people don’t figure things out till it’s too late and you’re gone. Save yourself! Our problem is, WE haven’t learned to let them learn on their own. Let her go.
My mother had borderline personality disorder and I am pretty sure my daughter does also. Starting when she was a young girl, my daughter accused me of loving her brother more. He was a handful and required a lot of supervision. My son and I think that is what triggered her personality disorder. She is 30 now and I have never been good enough for her. She has always found fault with me. I had to say goodbye to her today because I found out she was visiting my estranged sister behind my back. My father and I were estranged and my sister fed the fire and encouraged him to leave me out of the will. When my mother became ill and went to live with my sister 600 miles away, my sister said I was not welcome in her home and my mother died shortly thereafter. I always encouraged my daughter to have a relationship with her aunt. My mistake. My daughter said she was not getting the family she needed from me. I asked her what my sister has done for her (600 miles away) and can’t she see that all I have done for her is family. I told her all my sister has done is feed her ego. It is pretty evident she hates me so much that she cannot see how not family my sister was to me or her. My daughter told me to get over what my sister did to me. I regret spending the time from when she started college until she graduated college and until now helping her. I feel betrayed and used by an ungrateful adult child who still says I love her brother best (he stopped associating with her socially because she would verbally abuse him when they were in their 20s). I felt badly that she thought I loved her brother better and let her get away with verbally abusive behavior towards me. My error. I realize now how manipulative she is and lacking in empathy for anyone but herself. I knew she would put on the sweetness when she wanted something and then turn to nasty afterwards but I kept letting that go. My error. When on her anti anxiety medication, she was very nice but she will no longer take it. She just purchased a home and should be gone soon. Her dogs have done a lot of damage to my home and yard that she will not repair. I am glad this roller coaster ride is ending but it is not the way I planned it to end. I did not expect that the end of child raising would be so heartless. I kept hoping she would “mature”. My error. If I had thought about it or known personality disorders were genetic, I would not have had children. My daughter does not want any children. My son does but I am worried that he is making a mistake (his wife also comes from a family with BPD). I feel that while I did the best I could do that I really messed up.
it is 8:00 in the morning and I am writing this. I have not slept all night. I have a 36 year old daughter (only child). who has rejected me as well.. What hurts is the loss of my two grandchildren who she uses as a weapon when I say something to her she doesn’t like. I was not always there for her as I had her young and was married briefly to her father who walked out when she was 4 months old. He wanted to play in a band and didn’t want the responsibility of a child. Ironically, I didn’t have to get married. 8 months after we were married he wanted a child. Who knew? Anyway, that’s another story for another day. I profusely apologized for not being the best of moms early on but I have tried to make up for it and treated my grandchildren with nothing but love and kindness. To add insult to injury she married a man that wanted nothing to do with our side of the family. I have dealt with that since day one. Anyway, after years on and off with her cutting me out i can’t do this anymore. It put stress on my marriage of 20 years to a man who watched me endure this agony. Needless to say it didn’t help our situation. We are now divorced and although that wasn’t the cause ( he had a mid-life crisis andcheated,). It certainly didn’t help. What I am trying to say is that I am totally alone now and I am having a hard time functioning. I can’t believe she could be this cruel.. I thought we were past all this. I am alone and isolated. There are no support groups for this type of loss in my area. I need to talk (not type till my hands are sore). How bout conference calls so a whole group can have a real conversation with one another about this. Is there anything like that out there?
I am sorry for your loss, your son may never come around because like a new toy, he has chosen this new life. He will have deep regret. I do believe you need to move on. One person gives freely, yet gains even more; another withholds unduly, but comes to poverty.Trust in God, no one else, he will give you all the answers.
Reading the book Heaven by Randy Alcorn has given my husband and I hope for a resurrected, redeemed, relationship with our daughters and granddaughters, as well as my entire family who all turned against us with no explaination for last 14 yrs. God has a plan. He is not done with our story, your story, our children’s story, or His story. Our hope lie in the life after death on this world. I daily am sobbing on my knees for the loss of my daughters and my family. God keeps telling me He has me in the most merciful place. Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.
Lonely, hurt, crushed, fighting to keep on, trusting relentlessly, a very devastated mother, daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, and friend.
My son is 33 he has banned me from his life for 12 years now . It just breaks my heart ,then I found out he had got married and now they just had my first grandchild.I have seen a picture of my grandson and it kills me to know that he will never know that I’m his grandma or that I can never hold him and spoil him. Everyone tells me to move on but I can’t I cry everyday. Also the thought of my son just forgetting everything we had together really hurts. But yet his father the one that did nothing for him still remains in his life. Now that I know I’m not the only person that is going through this is a little easier only for the advise people give thankyou
I’m so surprised to read how many parents:grandparents are getting ignored or worse forgotten. My concern is with my granddaughter, she’s 13 going on 14 next month. We lost my only daughter (her mother) after a lengthy battle with her health. It seems at times my granddaughter doesn’t want anything to do with me, I love her so much and miss our talks, movie times or just hanging out. Her little brother who’s 6, is always hugging and kissing me of which I adore. I know she misses her mother and can’t begin to imagine how she feels. She’s constantly on the phone with her friends or her guy friend. There’s no dating with the guy friend but I worry, I know that even if I put a stop to it, I can’t be with her 24/7, all I ask is her to respect me and say goodnight. Am I asking for to much, am I too controlling. I want to be there for her and maybe I’m being too needy. God bless us all
I am dying inside and so hurt because my daughter moved out under false pretenses and finally the truth came out and we discovered she had been living with the cook at a restaurant where she is a 2waitress. He broke up with his girlfriend of 8 years to be with my daughter who just recently turned 18. They live in a rundown motel and it seems as though she pays the rent while he lives there with her. She left the safety of her own house with her mom, dad, and sister to live in this place. It is insane as she would never lift a finger here but seems to enjoy cleaning their room with a small kitchen and she washes their clothes in a laundromat. she actually used the word fun to describe doing the laundry which is a pay machine to wash and also to dry. The guy is 24 and can not drive because he has epilepsy and he never knows when he is going to have a seizure.my daughter seems to really like him. I aske3d her if she saw herself with him 5 to 10 years down the road and she said she did not know. Then I asked her if she loved him and her answer was I don’t know Momma anything is possible. she never comes home unless she has to like to have my husband maintenance her car or if we guilt her into dinner. Tonight she came and asked for the x-box games I thought to play, but no it was to sell them. I do not know what to do or say I have an 11 year old and she loves her older Sissy like crazy, so its hard all the way around. we tried the tough love. we took her car and kept it for almost 4 months. She adjusted and rode the via bus and got around and still didn’t change. The only reason she was given the car back was so that she could get to college and earn her teaching degree. She has been going to school and still working and still living with that guy. she made her mind up, so we packed her room up and gave it to her younger sister who loves that room since its much bigger. She was shocked that she lost her room and shocked when I told her this is Mommy and Daddy’s house and nothing belongs to her anymore so she no longer be taking anything out to sell it. I pray every time she pops in my mind that God will change her heart along with her situation. I wish he’d go back to his girlfriend he left for Belinda. Any advice is welcomed as I am at my whit’s end.
Hi, I seriously thought I was alone in this. My daughter was diagnosed with a rare disease, in one year, she had about 5 surgeries and it was heart wrenching. She underwent a lot of pain and struggles. I was with her every step of the way. She had to change her diet because certain foods caused flair ups. It was costly, and I missed a lot of work. She wasn’t the easiest patient to care of, but she is my child, of course I was there. She struggled through finishing college, she met a guy, she graduated and after the big party I threw for her, she was out of my life. I am beating myself about it, questioning everything. I too was a single mom and their dad was never around. She’s talking about me, slandering me and I have no idea what went wrong. I thought we always had a good relationship, with good communication. Apparently not! I know she is taking pain meds and I’m concerned for her safety. She’s an adult now, she is 25 and her birthday is today and all I could do is send her a text through her sister.
I just wanted to take the time to wish everyone on here a happy Valentine’s Day. Even though a lot of us have memories of giving our estranged children and grandchildren over the years valentines, now is the time for us rejected mothers to buy ourselves a valentine. Perhaps a simple rose to remind all of us on here how strong we are to endure such pain. Treat yourselves and remember God is the only one whose love we need. Everyone has their crosses to bear and even though this one is extremely painful at least we know we are not alone.
I just want to wish everyone a happy Valentine’s Day tomorrow. Even though it is another painful day of remembering the Valentines we have given to our estranged children and grandchildren, now is the time to give a valentine to yourself. Maybe buy a flower; perhaps a beautiful single rose to remind yourself that you are worth it, that God’s love for you is all you need and all that really matters. Rejoice in how strong you are for dealing with one of the most painful losses you could possibly experience. And know that you are not alone.
As I read all these posts with everyone stating how they have no idea what they did, well I think that says it all doesn’t it? Relationships deteriorate due to the interactions between the parties. Unfortunately this baby boomer generation seems plagued by the idea that they are always right and everyone else is to blame. I have decided to have no further contact with my abusive father and my enabling mother, finally at the age of 52. This pains me to no end but I cannot heal from the cycle of abuse and dysfunction that they perpetuate and thrive off of if I don’t. If you want to know why your adult children don’t talk to you and have cut you out of their lives, clean up your side of the fence. It is filled with crabgrass and dog excrement yet you want to tell them about the few dandelions in their space.
The model we use for parenting was developed in a different age for a different set of circumstances. We use a model developed when children quite often walked out the door and never came back or were never heard from again – immigration, marriage, etc. How many people who left via immigration/marriage were actually estranging? This isn’t a new issue, we just hear more about it now due to the 24/7, completely connected world we live in. In a way, for better or worse, parents should “parent” as if they will one day have to defend themselves for the way they parented to have a relationship with their adult children. Just because you survived your parents “parenting” is no guarantee your kids will survive your parenting. Everyone is unique. If, after they estrange, you attack them for it aren’t you just confirming all their worst fears about you? I think parents cannot believe that the things their children are citing as issues are actually issues – then resort to the, “I survived worse”, routine. Just because you survived it or made amends doesn’t mean your children will or are in any way obligated. Sadly, several friends didn’t estrange until after they had kids then realized what their parents had done to them at the same age.
So glad not on my own I have 3 sons 2 haven’t seen for 14 years an my 23 year old met a girl 10 month ago she is 28 has 2 daughters who are really spoilt and rude age 3 and 5 and now she is pregnant with my son child .there so wrapped up in themselves he doesn’t even message me or come see me !! I suffered with mental illness al my life I have PTSD and tried to end my life a few times .a am at hat stage now of ending it .as am so lonely. I own my house have no mortgage done will that everything left to my 23 yr old. But now am thinking of selling house and going into sheltered accommodation were I will have company and won’t be on my own. I have done everything for all my boys .I don’t drink or smoke or go out .bu now at nearly 60 why should I sit in day after day just so he will get the house and treat me like am not here .my next door neighbour worries about me more she always checking on me and cooks me meals …said be leaving the house to her .
We had 3 children, a boy now in his 40’s. a daughter in her late 30’s and another daughter who is 32. My husband and I divorced & it wasn’t easy or pretty all of the time.This was about 25 years ago. My ex and I have been friends for many years and talk & e-mail frequently
My situation is that our middle child decided several years ago that she prefers not to be around me. I have asked her why many times and have offered to see a therapist of her choice with no reply.
Once in a blue moon she has sent me a text usually about something to do with medical/health issues. She does not respond to my texts or e-mails the majority of the time.
I have told her that I would very much like to have a decent relationship with her and still no response.
Her Dad and I have talked about this many times & he doesn’t understand it either.
Our other two children, a son 42 and a daughter 32 are both in my life and we are very close. Our son lives in Costa Rica and has asked me for years to move there to be near him. Our youngest daughter lives in Utah and asked me several times to move there. I eventually chose Utah and have been here for going on 3 years & we communicate nearly every day just to touch base. We see each other often & do many things together.on a regular basis.
I have no doubts about my relationship with those two but clearly there is a huge disconnect with our other daughter.
I realize it is certainly possible that I was not perfect by a long shot and I am willing to talk to her with or without a therapist to work thru this.
Her unwillingness to do anything to move forward and toward a good relationship really hurts me deeply and hardly a day goes by that This does not come to mind and just breaks my heart.
If anyone who has been thru this can give me any ideas to bring us together, I will be greatly appreciated;
I will be 75 this year and worry this will not end peacefully for either of us.
.
All I can say is that I am in the same boat. Unfortunately I moved to another state and live in their home in my own apartment. I am going on 82. Nobody ever opens the door to ask if I am I’m okay. It just blows my mind I don’t even want to think about all I did for him . The thing that hurts so much is the fact that when I die his remark will be “What’s for dinner. “. The sad part is that I am old, nobody wants to hire me, altho I still have a lot to offer and I am stuck! I want to move away from here so badly On Valentines Day he bought a huge bouquet of flowers for his wife He could have at least offered me a $4 bouquet. That would have been fine. If I was his or anyone’s wife, I would have reminded him not to forget to get his Mom some flowers. I am beyond sad because I did so much for him and he has ” moved on”. I just pray that somehow I can get out of this mess! I just can not find a way right now to pay more than I am paying to live here. Life really throws curve balls sometimes.
I was crazy enough to think if I was the best mum in we would have this big loving family. Was I ever wrong! My late husband was a alcoholic and seemed to have very little to do with the children. I seemed to try to please everyone for over 28 years.
Then somehow it went nuts, My oldest daughter is emotionally abusive. even though I helped bring up her son . My third daughter not only moved her boyfriend in had four children and then his mother. All the while I did most of the work and got no respect.
One day I couldn’t take it anymore after all my youngest was then 23. I moved on divorced my husband and remarried. My kids hated him from the get go. One daughter even telling lies like he is a Pedophile. Now two of my girls hate me (Oh and there dad died) They blamed me for that too.
Even though I’m very happy with my new husband I got very stressed and )I got Arthritis, Breast cancer and I am now pre diabetic. My girls didn’t even call and even said I deserved it. Two of my girls still talk to me but the other I have just had top walk away from and try to get healthy and happy again.
With the exception of the naturally malicious and disordered, I think most parents do the best they can. And so do the children they hurt.
WOW
i cant believe that i would ever be writing here..but here i am…i wish i could get in touch with each person suffering like i am and we can start a group and protest to the world to let the world know how we feel and maybe future children will not be this way…please respond if we can do this..i suffer daily..gave my son my life savings to buy a home for his family and me and now they dont even speak to me and we are in the same house and now my hear and joy my 4yr grand son doesnt speak to me either..i am sick in 3 months of this I’m too poor to move,,my family, my finances, my home, my stability is crushed and my heart hurts. my doctor just put me on prozac and I’m slowly dying in just 3 months…lets all get togther and share these feelings since so many of us are suffering….
I would never have thought children can be so cruel. My husband decided younger, newer, sexier was better after 38yrs. Devasted i left the family home to start again. Whilst the division of our assets was being prepared i realized i couldnt give my adult girls a gift of money each as i had hoped. Instead of being understanding and supportive, greed showed its ugly face. They have done and said the most horrific things. Unforgivable things. Verbal and physical abuse. Their hate for me over money that was to be a gift has destroyed my family and life. I dont see any way of it ever being repaired. I am now at 60yrs old trying my best to start again.
I was a single parent who raised 3 sons. My ex did not pay child support, he had 3 more children. Long, long story short. My oldest had gotten married, had a son, and I raised that child as mine. Throughout his life I was his gram. My son father who lives in North Dakota and his 4th wife talked my son into up and leaving one day. He did, but came back a week later and snatched my grandson from school. Now the law is this, he is the bio parent. Mom is useless and will agree to anything, even not seeing her child for years. I had thought that my heart would break. It did. I cry every day not knowing how my grandson is. He is not allowed to talk unless he is extremely supervised. I am going to court. I will fight for him. I may not win, but he will know that I fought with every thing that I am. His uncles are with me on this. They have raised him too. My son, well, suffice to say, that I know more about him than I did before. My #1 is 11 years old, soon to be 12. I have had him his whole life till now. I am not sure what to do without him.
I was a single mom. Devoted my entire life to my child. I had a controlling mother and I was always aware of behaviors that I didn’t want to repeat. I wanted my daughter to have all the experiences that I was never allowed to have. She’s a grad student living in a very expensive state. Despite the fact that she gets paid more than I do, I still help her with her rent and other living expenses. She doesn’t approve of my line of work so I guess maybe I should stop being her open line of credit since she considers it akin to blood money. It’s obviously way more complicated than that but we don’t have all day . She doesn’t respect me or the things I stand for. She has left the church and is not the person I thought she’d become. I gave up my entire life for her. I have her every dime I had and didn’t have. I made sure she was able to take advantage of every opportunity afforded to her even though I didn’t have the money. Yet I get no thank you’s, no appreciation, no gratitude. She’s an entitled brat and has no idea what a cruel world this can be. We exchanged some harsh words recently and I’m afraid I may never hear from her again. I’m at a loss. She’s the typical millennial and IMO she’s being brain washed by those around her. She’s chosen them over family. I’m at a loss 💔
Hi all, I’m on a desperate search to help explain how I got here. I have believed for almost 30 years that I was a wonderful mother. My husband and I fought a lot , I drank a lot of wine and we kinda lived large and loud. Both children became huge successes., daughter married and now has beautiful twins.My son achieved huge success and married a very successful man. Sounds perfect, right? Both have recently (since the birth of the twins) come together to rehash their childhoods and my husband and I are now pariahs. I am now labeled a “pathetic mother” and don’t deserve their love, nor the love of my grandchildren. There is more to the story but I am crushed, destroyed, depressed and feel as though my entire life was a lie. I believe that if they believe this, it must be real…my entire identity has been erased and I am empty. Thanks for listening and I wish all of you peace and healing one day. I can no longer imagine a day when I’ll feel joy though…my grandchildren are everything to me and are for the most part, being withheld unless I’m invited to see them. My daughter says ill never see me again so I don’t have hope.
I too am heart broken. Two grown daughters. Who said never want to see me again. I love them dearly but now never get to see grandchildren. Gave them my life, then gave it to my grandchildren. My mother died and they were very close to her but did not speak to me at her funeral. Did too much for them. Trying to figure out how to live through this. God Bless!
Well you know the story can go both ways. My dad was verbally abusive. my mom never stood up for any of us kids. We weren’t shown any love, no hugs, no kisses. They even had the nerve to steal from me. My dad clearly told me once I was invited for Sunday dinner. It was just one thing after another, and stupid me keep coming back for more punishment. I was the youngest of 4 children. Then when I was having problems in my marriage (mostly brought on by the way they treated my family) I was looking at divorce, but my husband and I decided to try counseling the counseling brought my marriage back together. Well, my parents were happy about any of that so my dad tells me to have a happy life. I haven’t heard from them since it’s been 19 years and my dad passed 2 years ago. None of my brothers or sister or better yet my mother never even called me to tell me dad was sick. I never got a call when he passed. I guess I wasn’t supposed to know. Then my ungodly sister has the nerve to tell me if I cared any I would have been there for the both of them like she was till his last breath. She never wanted to hear my side of what happened and if she would of took the time to ask me she would have known they both sent me on my way out in the cold 19 years ago.
I married my husband 35 years ago because I was pregnant. It was a big mistake. I didn’t really love him enough. I think my daughter always thought I married this alcoholic because of her. She told me if I didn’t leave her Dad who is a fall down drunk, who has had many injuries and been in rehab, and relapsed, she would never speak to me again. I left, 3 months ago and she’s seeing a therapist because of her frequent outbursts which she has always had and blames on her Dad. There was never a time when we had a celebration that didn’t end in her tears because of us all drinking. I worry about my husband but don’t feel I can go back to that atmosphere although I’m almost 70 and he’s 73. It’s heartbreaking to leave a man you’ve been with for all those years but his life is his friends.at the bar. He lives like a guest in a hotel. The next thing will be if she’s not careful my daughter’s ‘fiancé will break up with her. I did what she wanted by getting out of my nothing life. I’m not the perfect parent/partner I’m sure but have done my best. I’m thinking of divorcing my husband and moving to the UK to be with my family.
My husband and I lost a daughter/step-daughter we loved, not to death, but to a personality change we never saw coming. She did all the right things. Graduated from college, got a job in her field of study, married to someone upwardly mobile, three happy children, beautiful home, and successfully managed finances. One day, just a few months shy of the 20th anniversary of her marriage she let me know she wanted a divorce. She was tired of his abusive tone towards her and her children. Counseling was out of the question. She had moved him out of the bedroom and into the guest room many months prior to telling me and subsequently her father, she wanted a divorce. We knew the husband was quick tempered. We are not hot headed nor fighting people and this part of his personality was difficult for us, especially how he sometimes handled his children in our presence. But it seemed to balance out in his devotion to his family. No matter what, our daughter had made up her mind the marriage was ending. So we were on board to help her in any way we could.
You have heard of whirl wind affairs. Well this was a whirlwind divorce. Within weeks she made her husband move out of the house to the total surprise of three devastated children and her husband. She was obsessed with getting this 20 year marriage ended and all of the property divided. It worked. Within three months of telling us she wanted the divorce it was finalized.
Six weeks later she called to say she was coming to visit and wanted us to meet someone. Rarely do we meet anyone we do not like. This was not the case. The man she brought with her was rumpled, ragged, unshaven, had no job, no property, and nothing to show for his time spent on earth. One brief marriage and no children. He had asked our daughter to help him pay the rent for his space in a shabby, old house. Soon thereafter he moved close to our daughter, staying with her when the children were with their father, then full time. She sold her marital home and he officially moved in with her. They were secretly married at some point and a year after her divorce surprised everyone by announcing their marriage at a self given reception disguised as a family gathering to celebrate a holiday.
This was when the ugly head of our daughter’s personality change came forth. For her it was all or nothing. Accept my husband or else. We chose else.
It has been difficult but we are growing. This occurred as my husband turned 70 and I had entered by 60s. We thought we were looking forward to our more years spent in the company of the family we have loved and cared about until death came to claim us. What a rude awakening we have had. We learned that we were the only ones who believed in the virtues of family that we grew up with and thought we had taught our children. It has been worse than horrible and heartbreaking. We were shattered.
Due to illness that could not be treated where we lived, we sought help elsewhere. We wound up leaving what was once home and traveled over enough time and distance to begin to put the pieces back together. We have been forced to accept and build a new life. This is not easy at all to do at this point in our lives. But we have had no other choice. The dawn still comes each day and we are still here. No more sitting on our laurels believing we can depend on the family we loved and cared for. We now understand more acutely the importance of friendship and connection with others. We believe we have found the community of others like us and we are moving to be closer to this community. We are beginning to see the benefits of losing the life we once THOUGHT we had. It was wearing us down. We were constantly giving and never receiving. That imbalance takes its toll.
Congressional Representative Elijah Cummings stated it so well at the closing of the Michael Cohen hearing when he said, “Don’t ask why this is happening TO me, instead ask why this is happening FOR me.”
My daughters birthday is in two days. She wil be 19. we were so close all her life and almost two years ago had falling out where she pushed my boundaries and i told her to stop and it go heated and hateful and she has now decided that it was always bad-even though i swear it wasnt and she use to brag all the time and thank me for allowing her to feel like herslf around me and not be judgenmetal and controlling like her dad but now she lives with him, hates me and has adopted a ‘fake mom’ an ex teacher she had on year in high school. I wasnt perfect. i worked too much, I suffer form depression but i am very transparent and i take medicne for it . I raised five kids. She is the youngest. The three older ones are my constant heart beats. Their dad would never let them treat me worng. The other son and this daughter from my second marriage have been raised half time by their dad who hates me and is a covert narcissit. I am the devil he never did anthing worng. Myt daughter fights with him constantly but also does what he says allot to keep peace. He loves that she hates me as he has won in his mind. It is sad.. I am struggling. nothing seems to help and I am too much a mom to move on. They are my life.
EllChange your phone number, your will, and even your address if you can. Give her what she wants and don’t look back. It is what it is. Pray for your own peace of mind. She’s on her own let her have it her way. Don’t bail her out financially or any other way. Look out for yourselves. How much time do you have left? Sadly there selfish people don’t figure things out till it’s too late and you’re gone. Save yourself! Our problem is, WE haven’t learned to let them learn on their own. Let her go.
My 17 year old daughter started dating a kid. According to the high school teacher living across the street, the kid is a nightmare at school. Drinking, pot, fighting, getting suspended etc etc has a well known reputation with the teachers and administration. Caught her with half empty bottles of vodka in the car I let her drive and she was passed out after smoking pot at a friends house, the parents called me. A year ago, I pulled her out of his house drunk, the boyfriend was drunk and the drunken father of the boyfriend tried to fight me in the street. The next day my daughter moved out. After a summer of partying at the beach and just before her senior year started, she asked to move back in and I let her -she is my daughter after all – but just in time to need new clothes and school supplies. She is 18 now and does whatever she likes. Six months ago, she totaled the extra car I was letter drive and now she drives an extra car my grandfather has. She constantly complains about the car not being upscale enough for her. While she lives at my house, she has pretty much dis-included me from her life and does not attend my extended family events like Easter, Christmas etc. I only find out from Facebook and Instagram that she had a homecoming dance or prom where the parents were included to participate in photos and such. The parent’s of the boy tag her in the photos. I did know prom was coming because she asked me to buy her dress and give her money for tickets and dinner. I helped her apply and paid for college applications. She got into a decent college but I found out she had gone to orientation at the school after the other family tagged her in photos. I feel like when she needs an open wallet she comes to me all smiles but then the other family is reaping all the fun memories. I write the checks for entrance exams, applications, deposits and then see her smiling face sitting next to the boyfriend’s parents at the college. She doesn’t even tell me about these events. I’m hoping this is just a phase and she will grow out of it as she gets older and maybe finds another boyfriend but I think I am seeing a ‘template’ for her next relationship or when she’s married down the road. This has brought me some depressive episodes which probably doesn’t help my interactions with her. Just a sad situation because she has been so disdainful of me and our family, that I’m just looking forward to her going off to college and getting out of my life until if or when she wants to try and reestablish a relationship. I hope I can forgive her.
Hello everyone, I feel for all of you. I have a 26 yr old daughter who moved out 2 yrs ago with her boyfriend. My relationship with her has never been the same. He has filled her head with a bunch of lies about me. It was hard raising my children due to being an abused child myself. I made mistakes but I never abused any of them but she has it in her head that I was abusive. She blames me for everything. We did try to get along but that didn’t work out. I found out she is pregnant with my first grandchild. I wanted to surprise her with a baby shower but she let her boyfriend take that over and still expected to to pay for everything. I told her no so now I’m selfish and making everything about me. I can’t do anything right when it comes to her and now her boyfriend said I’ll never see my grand child. I’m completely broken inside and don’t know what to do.
I too have experienced the same with my 13-year-old daughter. I sought help from my own mother, husband, and mother in law. It wasn’t until my mother in law started a jewelry accessory business that began to help bridge the gap between my daughter and I. My husband suggested that I include her in this venture and it really began to bring us closer together. It took some time, but it feels great to be able to talk and laugh with her again. Our bond and relationship have gotten so much stronger after this, and I’m thankful that we are able to move forward by building her self-esteem while teaching her the value of hard work, and the rewards it gives. We both have developed a much more healthy relationship by starting over, building trust and love. There were times where I didn’t know how things would turn out. I was afraid that it wouldn’t work but draw us further apart. I decided that I had nothing to lose, but the potential to regain the bond of mother and daughter. I’m so very happy to say that it really worked out for the two of us, and I am truly blessed to have my daughter back.
My youngest son who is now 20 I haven’t seen or talked to in 4yrs now. When he’s asked why he’s mad at his father he can’t even answer because he doesn’t kn9w why. My oldest son 29 took me to eye surgery july 25 2018 & brought me home. Then i realized 3 months later i hadn’t seen or heard from him. I called & texted him but no reply. Finally 5 months later in December he replies. Tells me i said something coming home from surgery that hurt & angered him. Instead of asking me what i meant he took it upon himself to assume what i meant & he was so far off base that he was totally wrong. When i told him my meaning he should of realized how wrong he was so we could make up & move on but no change at all. Its as if he’s only happy when mad at me. It was me who helped him find a place for his wife & kids & it was me he came to when he needed money to fix his car. I use to try so hard to mend things but i realized one day it was useless so I stopped. My daughter has come full circle & now knows she was completely mislead regarding who her father really is. I have 3 grandchildren & 1 on the way. My oldest son’s daughter my granddaughter was born 2 months ago. Haven’t seen her yet. Wasn’t even contacted by him when she was born. I’ve since learned that parental alienation is what’s behind all of this. My father died when i was only 4 so being a dad was something I looked forward to so very much. Hardest thing I’ve ever done was letting them go hoping someday they’ll come around & praying when they do that I’m still here to experience it. I’m still there dad, still love them very much & I’m still very easy to find
Oh and also…it’s so inappropriate to expect your son to buy you a valentine’s gift and be jealous of his wife! That holiday is for couples! And threatening suicide because your children don’t do as you would have them do…that is ABUSE. it’s manipulative and I suggest you Google borderline personality disorder and deal with your own issues. Your children are NOT responsible for your happiness. Thays inappropriate when they are young and even moreso when they are adults! Perhaps they might pass you more attention if you weren’t constantly begging for it!
Reading all of your comments makes me feel a bit better. I’m not alone. Our 26-year-old daughter decided she never wants to see us again, which means we don’t get to see our grandson either. She moved out when she was 19, and asked to move back in when she was 22, and pregnant. We were with them the very first minute he took his first breath – until he was nearly 3. Now, nothing. They left and moved in with my parents – telling them that we kicked them out. Not anywhere near the truth. After 5 months of not speaking, I finally got the nerve to take the last of my grandson’s stuff/clothes/toys to my parent’s home. He didn’t do anything, he shouldn’t have to suffer. Anyway, no one was home when I got there – I left his stuff and took a walk around the house. My parents were out of town and our daughter was at church. To my horror, our daughter had taken down every single picture of our family. There was not one picture of us – and I personally have hundreds upon thousands. She was literally trying to erase the last 3 years. When I was leaving, I passed her going out of the subdivision – I turned around. I wanted to talk to my daughter. As I approached the house, she was coming down the driveway. She stopped. I stopped and got out of the car to talk to her. I thought she may wan to talk – but no. She turned and drove away through the front yard. 3 days later, I have a sherrif’s deputy on my porch. I had been summoned to appear in court to answer to a filed restraining order – by my daughter. I was horrified, but I knew she didn’t have anything. I went to court to defend myself against my own flesh and blood. I knew the judge would dismiss the petition – and she did. But before she signed the dismissal, our daughter turned to my husband and I and said she doesn’t want to have anything to do with us – ever. Okay. But now, she’s blogging about how horrible her world was here. And it wasn’t . I don’t know where she gets that it was so horrible here. We had an amazing relationship – of which I credit Gilmore Girls. My daughter and I were very close. But now – she hates me. She hates her brothers, she hates her dad. I just don’t understand. And heartbroken can’t even describe how I feel. It’s just beyond awful.
Everyone has their story to tell. Mine is not of devastation, because I’m still living with a roof over my head and eat every day. Children I’ve brought into this world and held dear to my heart no matter what they may think of me now. Some children take years to understand what it is to be a parent. I chose to believe it’s not worth any negative thoughts or allow ourselves to hold onto sad feelings. It will effect our wellbeing and it’s nobody’s fault but our own. Yes own your heartache but only for a short while. I can relate to pieces shared by the stories of what other parents have experienced. I’m in my prime time of life and focusing on a new lease of life, asking myself what can I do to give me purpose and what can I do to make a difference. Life’s not always going to be paved in the way we’ve hoped as parents. Remember, parenthood doesn’t come with a text book for every situation. Humans are such complex beings it leaves us empty after so much proactive years we’ve invested to do our best. I’ve learnt not to be the victim when our kids disappear for however long. Lets be a beacon of light and quietly get on with new ventures. Be focused on positive action not guilt. Tell others your kids are on a long vacation over the other side of the world. It’s important to hold your dignity as this is what is yours forever.
I’m not always financial but this isn’t what defines who I am. If I wanted a close relationship to fill a voide, I’d get a pet or foster children. You may even get lucky one or a few may want to adopt you as parents 😂 if that’s what you want. Yes some of us can have defiant children, sometimes it’s in their nature, its the core of their selfcentred existence until life hits them with a reality they couldn’t understand. You can love them but never own them. Everyone needs to learn by life’s lessons. It’s not about right or wrong any more as to how I see it, now it’s what will be will be, live and let live. Do meditation, yoga or takeup councilling sessions . Whatever it takes for you to find your inner voice to find peace. Grieving is a natural feeling but don’t hang on to old circumstances that have no purpose. Discover the better person you can become. Forgiveness holds more weight than holding onto regrets and bitterness or a broken ♥
Sometimes we need to let go…
Our estranged daughter is feeling the waters for contact. I have gotten cards from her recently. The problem is since she dumped us I don’t trust her. When she was engaged to another guy she used to ask me if I would raise her children for the first few years because she “doesn’t like” babies. The idea being that dad and I would be very supportive, live close by, take the child on days she felt overwhelmed or had a heavy work schedule. Sure we said. Then she dumped us when she married a new and incredibly nasty man.
Not coincidentally she has told family she is trying to get pregnant. So the new contact I believe is because she has a job for me- raising her child. Family members are growing tired of her selfishness and have told me so. I prefer not to criticize her so I just listen to the vents.
Trust is important. I do not want to engage in a relationship and find myself in the same boat as other parents who post that their grown children yanked their grandchildren out of their lives. I long for the days when our daughter was sweet and kind but looking back, I think that this was an act. A lot of the cruel things she did to other people we looked at as immaturity or a strong competitive drive as she grew. After all- she was nice to her family so she couldn’t truly be a cruel person we thought. We were good parents.We are great grandparents. I really think she just has the genetics of some of her relatives who are narcissists and generally not very nice people. That is why I have one nice child and one child who appears to be a narcissist. Both raised the same, two different outcomes. I believe my daughter inherited more of the genes from my maternal family.
Take care of yourselves.
My daughter 26 in August 2019 hasnt spoke to me in 6 months now . It’s not the first time . She has been it all her life . Her father from a previous relationship would comment on all her negatives as coming from . My heart is broken yet again I. In crisis for depression.
If she did something wrong and I’d grounded her she ring her dad to collect her say nothing till he was outside the door and said goodbye.
Until she decided to come back . Ive morned her so many times . No mothers day . No Birthday card even a text . My heart physically hurts
To life goes on. I could have written exactly what you did. I saw my daughter do hurtful mean spirited things to others but boy, I never expected her to stab me in the back. She did. Six months after her dad died suddenly. She told me she was moving out of state to “be with the people who make me happy now.” uhhhh….ok then. We have contact with one another but, I sure don’t trust her. We had what I thought was a good adult relationship. I spent a year apologizing that then realized it wasn’t all about me. I’m sure I bear some responsibility for what happened but, so does she. We have contact with one another but, I would say it’s strained. She has two children now one of which I’ve never seen. Her choice. Too bad for everyone… but as you say….life goes on 🙂
I found this site because my heart is also broken due to the realization that my 3 adult children do not care if I am alive or dead, and am saddened to see how many others are suffering the same way. They are now 40, 38, and 31. They have stopped speaking to me for one reason; I am pro-life. They think abortion at any stage, including full term, is fine, and simply because I post pro-life messages on my Facebook page, I am now shunned. They literally blocked my Facebook page and my phone number shortly before Mother’s Day this year. I find it ironic that I nearly died having each and every one of them as they were risky pregnancies, and this is the thanks I get. They are all very successful; well educated. I live alone and am in my 60’s. There is literally no one who cares now if I am alive or dead; I never thought my life would ever turn out like this. Somehow I need to re-make my life; it was always centered around my family. My mother and dad are now passed away, and basically I now have no family at all. I am very depressed over this but hope I can have the strength to just move on, sadly.
I am 67 years and am recovering from several things including Breast Cancer. I also have Arthritis and more recently am prediabetic. My Doctor recently said I need to get a hold of the stress as its making me sick and could end up killing me. So after so many years of my daughters upsetting me every day ( my 50 year old blames me for everything bad that has happened in her life as well as making up lies that have caused a really big rift with my own brothers and sisters as well as my other daughter who now won’t let me see my grand children. Even my granddaughters decided to start Bullying me. I decided to put down some ground rules and told my girls I would refuse to talk to them as long as they keep disrespecting me. Well that set my granddaughters who are 17 and 19 of and they called to yell at me saying I should be ashamed of myself and it wasn’t all about me. So I have stayed away. So good so far but then I get a call from a lady who said I was being manipulative by with holding my love and acceptance she said she is a psych Major (not sure if I spelt that right) that my daughters can’t help it they have mental issues. And I can manage my stress by putting in boundaries. I mean really why would anyone think it would come to this point After all these years of trying everything I know how, nothing has worked. But I was upset that a total stranger to me at least would say these things. The rest of my family including my other children and grand children do worry about me and are upset. I am still staying strong and holding the boundaries. But hate the rift in y family but I know my doctor was right. Just wondering what my friends on hear think about this ?
My son walked out of my life 8 years ago after we had an arguement. I said things to hurt him, he has now done plenty to hurt me back. My adopted daughter three years ago walked out of my life too, she is now married and has a child and is happy; I am glad for her. A little over a year ago my second daughter walked out on our family too. She cost us over $70,000 and a lost business. To be honest, I do feel some resonsibility in each of my adult children leaving my life, and walking away from their other brothers and sisters and their mother too. I have tried to rectify the issue, my wife has and even their brothers and sisters have reached out, there are 7 of them. Unfortunatley, I beleive that it is for the best. The communication issues were obviously laking in our family. Everyone had issues creating boundaries, and made mastakes and walking away just seemed easier. I have forgiven my kids, I hope they have forgiven me and their mother and siblings too, for their own sake. It breaks my hear, it saddens me deeply, and it has torn apart our family, but maybe this is just what needed to happen in order for each of us to live our own lives on our own terms.
Dear Clemontine,
I have 4 children and I have 3 children that do not talk to me. I’m 63 years old and I have been divorced twice but I happily married for over 10 years now. I have decided to go on with my life without them. I’m much happier by during that. Believe me I was very depressed for a long time. I have manage to take the 3 children out of my will. If you can’t have anything to do with me while I’m alive you are getting any money when I dead. I have 7 grandchildren and I’m only in contact with 4 of them. The only reason I’m in contact with them is son divorced and my grandchildren are older they are ages 17, 15, 14 & 12. The 14 is brat so I talked to her very much. My granddaughter that 15 is sweet inside and out, I love her to pieces. I have decided to go on with my life without my children. I’m going to be depressed anymore if I can help it! I know that is easier saying it than doing it! I’m trying real hard.
Love, Joan