Hard Work is Good Work

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In my interviews for the Legacy Project, I loved listening to the Texas accent. Apparently, some say the classic Texas accent is disappearing, but not among these folks. Many of these elders were from East Texas, with its soft, musical drawl and slow cadence. Twenty-five cents becomes “twenny-fi cints,” kid becomes “kee-ud,” business to “bid-ness,” and government to “gummint.” There was a lulling quality in my conversations with very old Texans, but also a remarkably clear way of condensing the past and expressing their feelings about it. And Texans are polite; no one hurried me along or refused to at least try to answer a question.

One thing that almost all the Texans had in common was that they grew up working – and working hard. Martin, 78, was typical. From a very early age, he was expected to work, and it taught him valuable life lessons. He grew up on a farm during the Great Depression, he told me, and that’s what kept the family alive. “We had enough to eat because of the vegetable garden.”

We chopped cotton, we picked cotton, we milked cows, we carried wood for the cookstove and the fireplace – we cooked over a wood cook stove. They cooked that way until the 1940s. The didn’t have electricity or running water until after I left home. We drew water from the well to do wash. You had to draw the water, put it in the tub. With everything that had to be done on a farm, we tagged along and helped.

Martin embodies the work history of many of the elder I interviewed, and he shows the legacy over his life course.

The family home that I grew up in was very religious, and the community I grew up in was about three hundred people. And we had church and family and our farm where we worked all the time, we worked round the clock and nobody had any money. There was school and work and that was it. And that was my life. And all during the Depression my family farmed that farm and when you could get little or nothing for anything, we managed to keep everything together. And when everybody around us was going belly up, we came through it. Just being around for those years, I got a lot of what I learned over my life.

At a young age, age fourteen, I guess, I was working seven days a week when I wasn’t in school and many days before school and after school, I was working on that farm. And I rode a school bus from school back to the farm and then work until dark and then my dad and I got the truck and we came home. But that was a normal work day. And like I said, nobody had any money. This is something that most people today can’t fathom, they can’t realize. We lived at a time when there was no money and you just really didn’t think about it because all of our friends were doing the same thing. And it gave me a value where I knew what a day of working was. I knew what it meant. I knew what hard work was and when your fifteen or sixteen, that’s a pretty good lesson.

He went on to a distinguished career in the military, serving in Europe, Korea, and Vietnam. After retirement, he worked for several corporations. Throughout the course of his career, what he learned from a childhood of hard work stayed with him. “I enjoyed working, sure, I made the work a part of my life. A job to me was a set of requirements and a group of people that you work with, you get along with, and you do the best you can.”

This vision of work came from a kind of childhood shared by many of the elders, but known to few younger Americans today:

I attribute any success I’ve had to my family because of the way I was taught. You know, when you’re thirteen and you’re getting up at four in the morning and milk the cows and feed the cattle and then going to school at seven thirty. Getting out of school at three thirty in the afternoon and then getting on the school bus and then going back out to the farm and working til after dark, and that’s before you even started studying.

I am still determined to be productive. Nowhere in the Bible do you find a retirement plan. We’re here for a purpose and I like to think that we need to find out what that purpose is and get about doing it, no matter how old we are.

Marriage Advice: Find Someone a Lot Like You

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According to the poet Tennyson, “in the spring a young man’s (and woman’s)  fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love.”  So  here’s another post on our elders’ asvice on marriage.

When it comes to selecting a life partner, the elders we interviewed had one very strong suggestion: Marry someone a lot like you. Opposites may attract, they told us, but they don’t necessarily make for lasting relationshps. And most important is shared values.

April Stern,71, and her husband, Steve, were married for 47 years, until Steve’s death. April is a highly respected community leader who directed several local organizations, and Steve was a well-known local psychotherapist. They were deeply in love throughout their long relationship. “I think we modeled a good marriage, our children even talked about that as being important to them,” says April.

It sounds simple, but you have to like each other. Be friends, try to get past the initial heaving and panting, and make sure there’s a real friendship underneath that. I don’t think you have to have identical interests, but you’ve got to have shared values. That is quite important. That was critical. Yeah, I think values are probably the most important thing.

And we both loved certain kinds of things. We both loved movies, good movies, and part of our courtship involved staying up all night and figuring out what an Ingmar Bergman film really meant. We both loved to read, and we loved to talk about what we’d read.

A similar sense of humor — that was a very important part of our life together. In fact, just two weeks before he died, we were talking one night, and he said something and I just dissolved in laughter, and he looked at me so self-satisfied and said, ‘I can still make you laugh after all these years!’ And he could.

A Heart, a Message, and the Magic of Growing Old

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I once had the incredible privilege of keynoting an annual event hosted by a hospice federatrion. It’s an amazing group of devoted staff and volunteers who make sure that people’s last days on Earth are as pain-free and fulfilling as possible.

At the end of the luncheon, hospice volunteers brought out cloth bags filled with small ceramic hearts. Each heart had an inspirational word engraved on it, and we were asked to choose one without looking.

The word engraved on my heart was “MAGIC.” I had just been talking about my book, 30 Lessons for Living, and suddenly an image flooded my mind. One of the hundreds of elders we surveyed about their life wisdom had impressed me especially deeply. And that was because she used the word “magic” in a very surprising way.

Edwina, 94, had a fascinating life. Her father homesteaded in northeastern Montana, and she grew up on a small farm near the North Dakota border (she chuckled: “You probably don’t know anything about Montana since you’re a New Yorker!”).

She reflected on her experiences:

“We were never hungry.  And it was a wonderful place to grow up.  I had a good childhood.  And I had four brothers and a sister.  It was a wonderful place to live.  We learned so many things that you don’t have to teach your children.

For one thing, I had a horse all my own.  I learned that you took care of your horse.  You treated it like you should and you learned to take care of things.  And we had good neighbors and we were good neighbors.  We either had to walk to school or ride to school for two and a half miles.  While I was a child, we had to get up early because we had cows to milk, cows to go get, chickens to feed and things, before we went to school.  We learned how to work.  We learned the joy of getting up in the morning and seeing the sun come up.  And to this day I get up early.

One of the most important things that I have learned is be yourself.  My mother had an old saying, “Straighten up your back Edwina, and be somebody. Be proud of yourself and be proud of your name.  Be careful.  When you have a name, it’s precious.  You want to protect it.” And I guess that’s about all I have to say about that.  I could probably talk forever.

Edwina had two wonderful marriages. Her first husband died after 32 years of marriage, and Bertha waited a long time to get married again: “I was eighty-five!” He had died shortly before our interview after nearly a decade of happiness together.

But what rushed into my mind when I was handed the heart that said “MAGIC” was what Edwina had to say about aging. She was asked: “What advice would you give to younger people about growing older?  What do you think you would tell them?” There was a pause, almost as if she was casting a glance back over such a long and full life. Then she replied:

I’d tell them to find the magic!

 The world is a magical place in lots of ways.  To enjoy getting up in the morning and watching the sun come up.  And that’s something that you can do when you are growing older.  You can be grateful, happy for the things that have happened.  You should enjoy your life.  Do something for people.  Grow a little.  Just because you’re getting older doesn’t mean that you need to sit back in a rocking chair and let the world go by.  Well, that’s not for me and that’s not for a lot of people.  I can’t dance anymore, but if I could I would.

There’s no reason for anybody in this world to ever be bored.  That’s one thing I’ve always said.  Well, if I died and went to heaven, I’d be bored to death with how they say heaven is.  There’s no need for you to be bored in this world.  There’s so much out there.  And your attitude, be optimistic.  I’ve been optimistic all my life.  Even as a little girl I can remember that no matter what happened it would turn out all right.  And that’s great if you can do it.

Even the Depression, which was a bad thing.  The Great Depression.  But actually, we came out of it and I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.  We had the best friends, I never was hungry a day in my life.  I had a happy family, and they worked hard.  They didn’t have much, but we helped each other.  I think that’s one of the biggest things.  What in the world, if you make a million dollars, why do you need another million?

I will say that everybody, if they want to grow older they must take care of their health.  They’ve got to learn to look after themselves.  And almost always, whether you’re a man or a woman, at the end of your life there’s a rule.  One of the other is left alone.  So you have to prepare for that.  That it’s possible and it happens.  Of course it happened with me.  But when the tears stopped flowing I got better.  I guess that’s what you can expect when you grow old.

Lessons for Living: From You!

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Thanks to the many readers who have submitted their own wise elders’; lessons for living to this site. The holidays are a great time to ask for their legacy of wisdom: Why not interview one of your favorite older relatives and submit his or her most important lesson over the July 4 holiday?

Here are a few of our readers’ contributions:.

From Kim:

My lesson can from my Grandmother –

I was calling to tell her about my new boyfriend and that I would introduce her to him on her next visit. I also wanted to tell her that my parents did not agree with my choice and that they were not willing to meet him. The phone grew quite for a minute and then she asked one simple but most important question, “Do you love him?” At that point the tears started to flow and she told me that through out her life she has learned many lessons and this was most important, “if you love him, you stand by him and anyone that doesn’t agree with your decision will have to live with it.” Then she asked me which of my parents doesn’t agree with me. I told her it was both of my parents, and then she said she was going to call my Mom and remind her of the importance of love and give her a piece of her mind. I hung up with a heavy burden lifted and a true reminder of what is really important in life.

From Eileen:

My Dad  was the elder that taught my most valuable life lesson.
Daddy forever stressed that having been born a woman ought to never stand in my way of fulfilling my dreams as I journeyed life’s path alone. Because of his lifelong encouragement, I have let nothing stop me from following my heart’s desire; whether it was pedaling my bicycle 100+ miles, figuring out how to take trips across the USA, or making arrangements to attend Auctioneer College.

And from George:

As a young boy growing up in the heart of the Great Depression our family had very limited income and hardly any material possessions. I wore hand-me- down clothes that didn’t fit and had no toys like the other kids. I was being raised by a wonderful grandma whose simple advice to a little boy has stuck with me my entire 68 years.
Knowing I felt out of place and embarassed, grandma told me “keep your head up, a smile on your face, and your shoes shined, and you will be all right”. It wasn’t how I looked, or the toys I didn’t have. It was about having a positive attitude.

Thanks to these three, and many others, for their wonderful gifts of elder wisdom!

Beware of Multi-Tasking

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Oliver’s (age 81)  lesson: Do one thing at a time, or you get “stress and chaos.”

It’s a scientific fact that you can only think of one thing at a time. Accept that  fact and work accordingly. Make a list of your projects and follow each one as far as convenient, then tackle the next. Many people take pride in handling several things at once without a plan. Their attention is constantly redirected, allowing stress and chaos to build, with nothing completed.

Adapting to Aging, with a Positive Attitude

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One thing I learned from the elders in the Legacy Project is that they generally do not see aging as a fearsome process of decline. Instead, it can be enjoyed, based on a positive attitude, despite problems.

Rebecca, 92, told me:

Aging can be a wonderful experience. Don’t misunderstand me, there are aches and pains, they do come along and you think when you’re young, that’s not going to happen – but, oh yes, it does. But you learn to live with it and enjoy what you have been given by God.

And Sharon, 76, put it this way:

It’s hard sometimes, growing old is hard. But you just have to accept it and live each day to the fullest. A lot of people, if they get an ache or a pain or something then they think, “This is it.” Well you’ve got to just keep going and get the most out of every day.

April’s Lessons: Savoring the Present Moment

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Appropriately for the month we’re in, April, 63, sent us a list of lessons that reflect an imortant idea: Savoring the small things each day that make life pleasant. (In fact, research shows that practicing an attitude of savoring in daily life leads to greater happiness.) April suggests we selectively look for positive experiences each day.

Find the poetry in life. Acknowledge the gift of the five senses and focus on what you see, what you hear, what you smell, what you touch, what you taste.

This morning I looked past the yellow, white and orange spring pansies on the deck to the fox hole dug into the hillside. The four kits poked their heads out daringly as the mother fox stood guard.

I filtered the world’s news to hear of the children romping at the White House scooping their colored hard-boiled eggs down the South Lawn. I listened for the resurgence of a dream as at 46 someone competes in the U.S. Figure Skating Championships.

I smelled the rich Irish cream coffee brewing in the kitchen as my feet touched the chilled wood floor. I wrapped myself in my comfortable fleece bathrobe and bit into the warm, buttered wheat toast.

To see, to hear, to smell, to touch, to taste with clarity and discernment—that is the poetry at each turn.

Happiness Made Simple: 5 Elders on Savoring the Small Things in Life

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As part of the Legacy Project, we conducted a national survey of older people. I recently was looking through the hundreds of lessons these elders provide, and I was struck by one particular point. When it comes to happiness, many of the elders urge us to “think small.” They are thankful for what they have, right now, rather than pinning their happiness on future achievements or possessions. I’m thinking that many younger people could benefit from this perspective.

Here are five simple pieces of advice for happier living:

Everybody says that you should make a goal in your life, but I don’t think that’s always necessary because you make a goal and the first thing you know, you switched over to something else. All I wanted to do was be a mother, and I did. I had three boys and three girls and my husband made a living for us, we did fairly well, all of our children are still living and they’re happy, so I’m happy. (Roseann, 79)

Every morning when I wake up, I thank God that at 75 years old I’m able to get up, take my shower, go about my business, by my groceries or go to work or whatever I do, I’m very thankful for that. (Lavonne, 75)

Just take life in stride, I guess, do the best you can. Enjoy, if you can afford it, living; going out and treating yourself to a few luxuries, like maybe going out to dinner, going for a ride, or something like that. (Abel, 77)

Be grateful for each day that you wake up. (Roman, 84)

To live a decent life, a comfortable life, and that basically makes me happy. (Luann, 81)

Before You Commit, Take a Look at Your Future In-Laws

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Sometimes the elders had a lesson really surprised me.  When I asked them about their advice for selecting a future spouse, I didn’t expect to hear this one: Take your partner’s family into consideration!

They point out that looking at potential future in-laws carefully can be an important safeguard against making the wrong choice. And the time to ponder this issue  is before the wedding.

For Bonnie, 73, incompatibility with her husband’s family was a serious source of unhappiness.

I married someone whose family just never accepted me, and this also applied to some of the other relatives that came into the family as in-laws.  I was interested in meeting all kinds of people growing up and I didn’t grow up in a big household, so I thought this relationship with his extended family was eventually going to be very workable.  But it really wasn’t.  Once I was in the marriage, that didn’t really work out that well, and there was no way I could leave.  I think I would have been consumed by guilt at the time.  So I stayed in the marriage.

For Gloria, 77, her future husband’s family was a plus.

I liked my in laws. And I think it’s a very simple thing but I would say to somebody contemplating marriage, if there are any frictions between you and the others in the family, look at it really hard because you’re going to be together for a long time. Your children are going to intermingle and when there’s cross words, it breaks the family apart. And I learned this from him and his family. He was very considerate of them, he went to see them every Sunday afternoon for a couple of hours. And then on Wednesday night we would all meet and we would have dinner together, and I think having meals not only with your spouse when you get married is important, you need to go back and have it with other members of your family.

Phyllis, 84, supported the view that observing a future partner’s family is diagnostic of their own behavior:

I think don’t make fast decisions.  Make sure that you get to know the other person’s family because there may be some values there that you don’t realize when you’re just meeting the person.  But when you meet the family, you think oh, now is that going to be an issue?  Also, you get to observe that person with their family and how they get along with their family.  If they don’t get along with their family and they’re miserable to their family, how will they be to you?  Make sure that you get to know the person in a variety of situations.  Perhaps some of my perspective is based on of my kids, who I don’t think is married particularly well, but that was her choice. And the family, there, is part of the problem.

Want to Avoid Regret? Stay Out of Debt!

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The news tells us that Americans are finallly getting more cautious about getting into debt. Our elders, many of whom lived through the Great Depression, think it’s about time! One of their strongest lessons is to save up the money before you buy something – or your may regret it.

Here’s what some of the elders interviewed for 30 Lessons for Living told me:

What should young people avoid? Credit card debt. They’ve got to have the instant gratification thing. I struggle with my granddaughter about it all the time because she doesn’t have the patience. She’ll get way in debt for something she’s gotta have and I keep saying: “You’re not ready for this, you don’t have a good down payment.” And also, I want her to have a cushion because sometimes it takes a while in between jobs, and she’s just not prepared to do that. She’s just like; “Well I know I’m going to have this job always.” Well, my first husband; in ten years of marriage, he had thirteen different jobs. And we had three small children and it was very nerve-wracking. (Evette, 83)

One of the things that I would tell any young person was save a little money every week for yourself. Make sure those few dollars a week are put away because that compounds and at the end of fifty years you’re going to have a nice nest egg if you pay yourself first. We have granddaughters that are paying off student loans that are just out of sight. They both worked as waitresses and if they had put aside a few dollars a week for themselves, they might not be struggling so much. (Pru, 75)

Unfortunately, I never had the money to save when I was in my twenties. That’s what I say to my kids now. I say that I wish I could have started saving when I was their age, when they’re in their twenties and like that. If you’ve saved money, like I stress that younger people should do, and then you can really relax when you get older and retire and enjoy life and like that. And think about having your house all paid for, and sit back and enjoy your hobbies and do volunteer work when you get older, and enjoy your grandchildren and travel. But if you’ve saved money and like that, you can do that and not have to keep working. (Flora, 71).

Worth taking a look at before you pull out those credit cards!