Finding God and Serving the Common Good

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Candles spiritualityI’ve talked in previous posts about the fact that some kind of spiritual belief was important to most (but by no means all) of the Legacy Project elders. For many people age 70 and over, faith has shaped their core principles for living. In some cases, their spiritual beliefs led them to compassionate living – a desire to move beyond themselves and serve others. I’d like to share with you one spiritual elder’s thinking on this topic.

I sat in the cool, quiet Motherhouse of an order of Catholic nuns, talking to Sister Monica. Despite recent health problems, Sister Monica is a slender, vigorous, highly focused 80-year old, who speaks with the thoughtfulness and precision of a former language teacher. In her order, sisters commit their lives both to God and to serving the sick, the poor, and the disenfranchised. These nuns take the Gospel message seriously, working to help people overcome obstacles that keep them from living full and dignified lives.

Sister Monica shares a house with two other nuns in an impoverished inner-city neighborhood, allowing them better to identify with and share the lives of the poor. Her decades as a nun have seen seismic changes in the Catholic church (including dropping the nun’s formal habit for street clothes). But in my interview with her in the peaceful atmosphere of the Motherhouse, the core of her faith has clearly not changed:

I have just celebrated my 60th year as a sister. And I really feel very blessed and I’ve had a wonderful life and many wonderful opportunities. I have always felt very close to God. And my Catholic education just reinforced that with the example of the other sisters in my order.

I have a sense of God as a loving presence that walks with us. Not just me as an individual, it’s God hearing the cries of oppressed people, as the Exodus story says. God is there. And so paying attention to that and how do you find God in the beauty of creation, and in the beauty of the people around you, is very important.

The religious life that I’ve chosen is a mutual struggle to discern where God is calling us. You know, it’s hard enough to see what God is asking us to do right now, but especially where he wants us to go in the future. But it’s a very powerful kind of thing to come together as a group and make decisions that are mutually beneficial for the common good.

That’s a big thing for me, the common good. And we can live out a search for the common good in our life as Catholic nuns. Our vow of chastity is again a statement that stands in the face of using sex to sell everything, you know. Our life is a seeking of God, true love of a neighbor, and the commitment to dedicate one’s self to service, service to those affected by poverty, sickness, or death. I have no regrets that I have chosen this life.

Child-Rearing: More than Just Making Them Happy

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We make child-rearing unbelievably complex. We read books, attend classes, go to counselors, make ourselves sick with worry. The elders I interviewed in the Legacy Project raised about 3,000 children, have watched their own offspring rear grandchildren, and were themselves raised by parents — and have had a good, long time to think about their own upbringing.

One thing they believe is that child-rearing is more than just making children happy. That’s important, but they also want children to be strong, purposeful, and moral.

Shirley, 90, is an award-winning teacher and mother of two. She told me:

We need to help the child to prepare for living. We need to show the child how to become a good citizen. To be honest, to be loyal, to stand up for what is right, and never to give in with social trends. Because each person is different but we all are together and we’re all a part of one another. A poet said, ‘No man is an island by themselves, everyone is a part of the whole.’ So in keeping with that situation, it’s necessary that every child learn to get along with others. To learn that they have a responsibility to use their God-given potential to the best of their ability. And we should guide them and direct them and really make them the kind of Americans that we need. And that’s just about it really.

Act Now to Stay Healthy

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It’s that time when we all begin to slack off on our New Year’s resolutions. The elders urge you to stick to one of them: looking after your health when you are younger. What you do in middle age really pays off in your later years! Here’s a clear statement from one of our Legacy Project elders.

Terry Chang, 77, made looking out for your health when you’re young his top lesson for living:

Well I know this: age is okay. But you need to have your health.  If you have to be pushed around in a wheelchair with an oxygen tank, if there’s anything in life that you know right now that can prevent that, do it.

Because as you get older, that’s when you really have an opportunity to sit back and enjoy life a lot more if you’re not in terrible health because you’re obese or something you can’t help or something like that. Whatever you can do to maintain your health, and like I say stay away from cigarettes or whatever, because it will definitely make a difference later on in life. Put enough money away every year to go have an annual physical.

Financial New Year’s Resolutions From the Wisest Americans

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Some of the most common New Year’s resolutions have to do with money: saving more, making more, spending less, andelder advice money so on. America’s elders, however, urge you to take a broader view of money and what it means in your life. The “experts on living” in the Legacy Project have some excellent advice on the topic.

The fantastic financial journalist Morgan Housel at Motley Fool wrote an excellent article (10 Money Lessons from Elderly Americans Who Have Seen It All), based on my book 30 Lessons for Living. Take a look – it will help you think “outside of the box” about money issues over the coming year. I will share the first two lessons here.

1. Young people obsess about making a lot of money. Older people wonder what they were thinking.

When asked about their prescription for happiness at work, what wasn’t mentioned spoke the loudest. And fancy statistics aren’t necessary because the results are so clear.

No one — not a single person out of a thousand — said that to be happy you should try to work as hard as you can to make money to buy the things you want.

No one — not a single person — said it’s important to be at least as wealthy as the people around you, and if you have more than they do it’s real success.

No one — not a single person — said you should choose your work based on your desired future earning power.

2. Money is often at war with time. Balance them appropriately.

The view from the end of the life span is straightforward: time well and enjoyably spent trumps money anytime. They know what it means to make a living, and they are not suggesting that we all become starving artists. But they also know firsthand that most people who decide on a profession because of the material rewards at some point look back and gasp, “What have I done.” In their view, we all need a salary to live on. But the experts concur that it’s vastly preferable to take home less in your paycheck and enjoy what you are doing rather than live for the weekends and your three weeks (if you get that much) vacation a year. If doing what you love requires living with less, for the experts, that’s a no-brainer …

If you are willing to accept a lower income level, you can gain enormous benefits by choosing part-time work as a lifestyle. Imagine if you suddenly had more leisure than work time. Some experts made this decision: living on much less money, renting rather than owning a house, and forgoing expensive consumer goods to pursue a job and a lifestyle they enjoy

Check out Morgan’s article for the other eight tips!

Give the Gift of Elder Wisdom this Year (It Never Wears Out!)

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Holiday shopping will be different this year, as many people choose not to crowd stores and shopping centers in an effort to control the pandemic. Some families, as well, have been hit hard financially and may be trimming their gift-giving budgets. Here’s an invaluable but inexpensive gift suggestion.

Looking for a more meaningful gift this year? What about practical advice from the wisest Americans?

One of my local heroes (yes, she lives near me) is the advice columnist Amy Dickinson (otherwise known as Ask Amy). She has come up with a great idea: That everyone on Christmas morning should get a special gift: A book placed on the end of their bed for when they wake up in the morning. Amy’s point is one of the best presents we can give still comes in the form of an old-fashioned book.

At the Legacy Project, we hope you might consider giving the special gift of elder wisdom this year. 30 Lessons for Living; Tried and True Advice from the Wisest Americans offers the advice of over 1000 elders on topics like marriage, work, child-rearing, and growing older. Reviewers have praised it, like Harold Kushner (author of When Bad Things Happen to Good People), who wrote: “I can’t imagine anyone whose life will not be enriched by this book.” And it’s made it onto lists of top gift books.

And if you know someone who is searching for a partner or looking to make a long-term relationship work, the Legacy Project also has a book for that! A great gift is 30 Lessons for Loving: Advice from the Wisest Americans on Love, Relationships, and Marriage. They can learn from hundreds of people who have been happily married for 30, 40, 50 and more years.

Christmas and Hanukkah are times when many of us see our older relatives and most of us think back to those with whom we celebrated the holiday in the past. The goal of these two books is to make sure their wisdom is not lost, and to pass it on to generations to come.

With Children, It’s All About Time

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Many of the elders believe that when it comes to child-rearing, there’s one thing your kids want more than anything else: your time. Paul, 80, when asked about the key to successful child-rearing fully endorsed the idea that time spent together is the most important thing. Ultimately, the lesson came from his daughter:

Pay attention to your kids and read to them and be with them and help them grow up and I don’t think you do that from afar. I always read to my daughter when she was growing up and my parents always read to me. It’s a marvelous way to interact with them because they really appreciate it and they’ll tell you years later. That’s one of the things you do.

 Tragically, Paul’s daughter became ill with cancer in her fifties, and after a long battle, died. She let him know how important the time spent together was:

 The other thing I remember, when my daughter was so ill, she said, “You know, the one thing I always appreciated from you and mom was that you attended my events, my high school games, my band performances, all those kinds of things.” You don’t get that when they’re in their teens. When they get to be about 30, they say that was good, that was good for me to have you there. She was in the marching band and we always went to those things. Well I’ll say this, following a marching band and a football team around – I think that’s what you do with your kids, you have to be with them. They’re a project you have to do. Hopefully you teach them some of the principles you believe in.

Lesson for Parenting Adult Children: Be Careful about Giving Advice

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One thing we often forget is that parents and children spend the majority of their livesadult children together after the kids become adults! The elders in the Legacy Project had very useful advice for negotiating relationships between parents and their adult children. Two elders share their lessons for negotiating this very important, but sometimes touchy, relationship.

Marv, 83, successfully raised two children. He points out that all the stress of child-rearing doesn’t end when they become adults:

I think to a certain extent your offspring are always children. One always wants one’s children to be happy, and I suppose it’s the most disturbing thing for parents is when they can’t see happiness in their adult children’s lives or their children’s relationships or  in their marriages.You worry about aspects of their interactions with their partners and when you can see that the way they’re interacting is not productive. You worry about your children. When they’re adults, you worry about as much when they’re adults as when they were not adults.

Of course, one outgrowth of this worry is the desire to give advice. Charles recommends that it it possible to advise children, but that the approach must be subtle.

I think giving advice requires great subtlety. Well, your adult children sometimes ask you for advice, and sometimes it becomes clear that they are not looking for advice, they’re simply looking for understanding of their points of view. So I think it’s easy for children to misinterpret your real feelings about them, and feel more pressure than one thinks they should be feeling. It’s up to the parent to be subtle enough that you are able to refrain from expressing your attitudes, so that the child feels intruded upon, or that you are judging.

Renata, 79, focused on accepting adult children as they are:

With our kids now, there’s good feeling, good relationship. You keep your mouth shut. We made out mistakes, we let them make their mistakes. But I don’t give advice unless they really ask for it. . I feel I can say most anything I want, except I would not interfere with them, even though I see something that I think should be done differently, I wouldn’t express it.

I think some parents expect too much of their kids. I think you have to accept what your kids are willing to do for you and not complain because they don’t do more for you. I think you just have to sort of give them freedom to live their lives knowing that they’re there if you need them and they know you’re there if they need you. So I think you have to stand back.

Any advice for getting along with your adult children? What’s worked for you?

The Secrets of Communicating with Adult Children

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communicating with adult childrenMany of the elders in the Legacy Project had one piece of advice about getting along with one’s adult children: Don’t interfere in their lives, and wait for them to come to you for advice. But what when they do ask your opinion, what are some good ways to communicate?

I have been conducting research on this issue, as part of a project to understand family estrangement and reconciliation. My new book, Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them provides additional guidance for overcoming problems with adult children.

Tom, 82, has warm and supportive relationships with his three middle-aged sons. He recognizes that sometimes one is called upon to give advice to adult children; indeed, they ask for it. A problem, of course, is that parents are naturally invested in their children, and it is difficult for them to step outside of their own needs to objectively evaluate the choices their child must make.

Tom’s advice: Take the “I” out of the conversation:

Yeah, the big advice is always be open minded. Forget the business of ‘I’ centered and put the focus on ‘you’ centered. The son that you’re talking to and who has issues that he wants to discuss and forget the ‘I’, or at least put the I in the background so that at least he understands that he’s getting the benefit of your wisdom. You, who can govern how much ‘I’ to project, can inject information or guidance when it’s appropriate, not to dominate the conversation but to augment what the son wants to say. I think it’s a delicate balance of diplomacy among family members. I’ve not always done well.

Grace, 75, found that her enjoyment of her children increased as they grew older and became adults; it was the “pay-off” for more difficult earlier years.

I think by the time my kids were a little bit older and they were able to accept their parents for who they were, as I was with my mother, then it was great. I have enjoyed my children as adults so much, so, so much, and it’s something no one ever said to me. They always would say when the kids were young, “Oh, these are the wonderful years, these are the best years.” They were lovely years, but there is something just as lovely or more lovely when they are adults and you could talk to them as another human being. To know your children as adults is great.

She shares her thoughts with her kids, but accepts that her advice may be turned aside.

Well, there again, I think – don’t be too critical. In fact, don’t be critical at all. Accept them, accept what they’re doing. But I for example just wrote my daughter giving her some financial advice, and said, “I’m giving this to you with love not with criticism,” because she just does such stupid things financially. So – and she will read it, and maybe she’ll do it and maybe she won’t, but I’m perfectly willing to accept it that way.

Life Lessons from a Tuskeegee Airman

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We’d like to share the story of one of the true heroes we encountered in the Legacy Project. TUSKEGEE-AIRMENWe heard many accounts of overcoming adversity and discrimination, but no interviewee was more inspiring than Hiram Mann (pictured here in World War II). Hiram had to fight to find the work he loved, overcoming racial prejudice along the way. The struggle and the rewards of his 90 years were encapsulated in his first words in our interview: “I was one of the original legendary Tuskegee Airmen.”

In the early 1940s the military was almost completely segregated and the Air Force did not even allow Black people to enlist. But what if, as a young Black man, this was your chosen career, indeed your life’s mission?

Hiram’s experiences as part of this unique group allowed him to achieve his childhood dream, and so shaped his lessons for work and career.

Back when I wanted to get into the military, before America got into the fighting in WWII, I wanted to fly an airplane. I had never been in an airplane in my life, though we’d seen them fly over. Well, I was a Depression-era child and pennies were very, very, tight to come by, but I would save my pennies in a wooden box and go to the hobby shop and try to make model airplanes, because I wanted to fly so badly.

Sometime in early 1941, I wanted to know about getting flying instructions to fight for my country. The letter of rejection that I received said point-blank, no easy words to smooth it over, that there were no facilities to train “Negroes” to fly in any branch of the American military service. That ticked me off. I balled the letter up and threw it away. There were Blacks like me that wanted to fly. All over the United States there were others in similar situations. I went back to my job being a bellhop in Cleveland, Ohio.

I applied again and I was very lucky. I passed and I continued to pass all of the examinations that I was given and I was in the 27th class that graduated.

Hiram thus refused to give up despite setbacks and his own self-doubt that emerged from being raised in a segregated society. He needed a mix of courage, drive, patience, and forbearance to succeed in the 1940s military, where Black soldiers were unusual and Black officers a rare curiosity. Nevertheless, he achieved his dream of fighting for his country, putting his life at risk in the war in Europe:

I was in combat. I’m a combat survivor. One of the questions a young person asked me was, “Were you afraid?” And I said, “Yes, I was afraid! When you let somebody get behind you who’s shooting at you and they’re trying to kill you and you know they are trying to kill you, you’d be afraid too if you had any sense.” So I will not lie. I told him, “Yes I was afraid.” I could see the bullets coming.

Although others might have given up, Hiram refused to become discouraged by the racial environment in the Air Force. Instead, he used the military experience, despite its difficulties, to create a career path that would have been almost unimaginable to him as a child. He bacame one of the pioneers of desegregation in the military, sought after in his ninth decade as a speaker, and a living symbol of perseverance in the face of adversity.

In the Legacy Project, Hiram shared some of his lessons for living – all good advice for young people today:

On tolerance:

I accept my fellow man as an individual. I try not to prejudge. I try to enter, whatever the situation may be, to get going to it with an open mind. That’s the way I approach most areas that I get into. Tolerate the other person..Tolerance – that goes a long way

On perseverance:

My mother had her basic teachings, she would not let me look down. She would tell me: “Hold your head up. No matter what, hold your head up.” And, my mother could not stand when I would say that I don’t have the background to do so and so and so. “What do you mean you don’t have the background?” She couldn’t stand that word “background.”

On creating a legacy:

My legacy—I don’t know just what it’s going to be. I haven’t written it yet. But I do hope that I’ve contributed something to mankind, individually as well as collectively. I know that the Black pilots were instrumental in doing away with segregation in the United States. We broke the ice. We were a cause for eliminating segregation because of our combat record. We, the 332nd fighter group that later was re-designated as the Tuskegee Airmen, became the most requested unit to fly escort duty for the bombers because of the protection we gave them. There’s my part in that. Nothing I did individually, but my contribution to that will be part of my legacy. I’m very proud of the life I’ve lived. I’m proud of having been a Black pilot and of my contribution to society.

To learn more, here’s a video of Hiram sharing his life lessons to young people.