Archives for Worry and Stress

Need Motivation?: Four Elders on Living Life to the Fullest

Sometimes the elders spoke with nearly one voice. So it was with their advice to take advantage of every day given to you. They didn’t feel the need to elaborate too much on this point; their message is more along the lines of “just do it!”

If you need motivation, post these four comments from four of the wisest Americans on your refrigerator:

Live each day to the fullest. Life is an adventure worth living. Smile! (Juanita, 87)

Well, my mother used to say live every day as if you had forever to live and yet also it was your last day. So make every day count. (Mei-Zhen, 76)

One of the things that comes to my mind is to do whatever it is that presents itself to you, rather than to let that opportunity pass and then regret a lack of involvement in it. Don’t miss an opportunity! (Eddie, 68)

I’ll put it this way. Yesterday is a cancelled check. Tomorrow is a promissory note. Today is cash in hand, spend it wisely. (Morris, 91)

More Advice about Overcoming Worry: From our Readers!

In a recent blog on the Huffington Post, I wrote about the most surprising regret we heard from the older people in the Legacy Project. Over and over, the elders told us: “I wish I hadn’t worried so much,” and “Worry wastes your life.”

Over a hundred readers provided their thoughts about worry and how they have overcome the worrying habit. Here are some of my favorite pieces of advice from folks all around the country. Enjoy their wisdom!

I recently have found myself coming to a similar though slightly different conclusion as that involving less worrying over the span of one’s lifetime. My own determination is to try and go through life with as few regrets as possible because what has happened is already done and over with and more often that not, these things are irreversible and and can not be redone or their outcomes changed. Just try not to make the same mistakes for things that did not quite work out like you wanted them to or which you might have done differently in hindsight. What’s done is done, for good or for bad. Try to focus your life on the here and now and on the – hopefully – brighter future that looms large up ahead, by the grace of God.

 In one week in 2009, one daughter graduated law school with honors and the other graduated from a demanding high school. They are nearly seven years apart in age because my husband, in spite of being successful, was always worried about the money for their education and other needs. At the second one’s graduation, we were holding hands, and as he squeezed mine, he said, “We should have had another one. I shouldn’t have worried so much about the money.” This was a real shock to me because he has trouble admitting when he’s mistaken about something, so this was a huge thing. Very lovable!

 At a very low period in my life, I was told by a priest, “Worry is interest on problems you do not have yet.”….It has stayed with me all these years

 I am not a worrier. Sure, I’ve had some things that have bothered me, but most of the time it doesn’t cross my mind. When worry does hit me, I jump on it to get rid of it. Not only is it a waste of time, but it poisons relationships, ruins your enjoyment of activities, and affects health.

 I found one really interesting thing about not being a worrier. Other people, suspected me of being uncaring. They worried about their teens. I didn’t. I did everything I could to make sure they were safe and following the rules, and then I enjoyed them. There were other moms who questioned if I loved them because, to them, love and worry were inseparable. Not only is that false, not worrying leads to better relationships with your kids, as far as I can tell.

I have a child with a terminal illness, although he has been defying the odds. On top of that I have developed some sort of auto immune disorder that robs me of my hearing, as the “breadwinner” in our family you can imagine the stress this has caused. There was a low point where I thought I simply couldn’t take it anymore. You know what got me there? Worrying. Im still working, he’s still alive, we are still living a decent life. I wish you the best in your struggle with this awful habit. 

I called a friend(actually my AA sponsor) years ago to tell her about some awful, terrible life-altering problem. She asked if I remembered a call I had made several months before with another awful, terrible life-altering problem. I did not. Her response. “Well, there you go” and she hung up. Best lesson ever. If I start fretting over anything I think: Is this something that will matter in 6 months? Almost always it is a no. One instance it was raining horribly, roof was leaking and water was coming close to back kitchen door – then lightning struck my computer and I sat down to cry. Remembered that phone call, changed attitude, and it turned out fine.

I’m 65. This article is 100% right! Human mistakes of the past can be valuable in teaching us life lessons so there’s no good reason to regret them. But time wasted cannot be reclaimed and serves no useful purpose whatsoever. It’s best to “fill the unforgiving moment with 60 seconds worth of distance run”. As I look back, there are parts of my life when I sure wish I’d done that instead of worrying about something I couldn’t do anything about. Good news is that I’m not worrying now! I think I just ran my course with it.

At 35, someone told me this quote. I’m 68 now and it has never left me: “Worry is like sitting in a rocking chair. It doesn’t accomplish a damned thing. It just gives you something to do!”

We welcome more of your thoughts and strategies about worry!

Back from Italy! Which Reminds Me of Maria

I’ve just come back from two weeks in Italy (yes, it’s a hard job, but someone has to do it). While there, I noticed something that one doesn’t often see in the United States.

 In all the little villages, there is the custom of the passeggiata. In the early evening, after the heat of the day, whole families take a gentle stroll, usually winding up in the central piazza of the town. What you see are entire families: small children on bicycles or kicking soccer balls, parents, and grandparents. As you watch the nonni (most often the nonna, or grandmother) keeping a watchful eye on the grandchildren, there’s a feeling of real integration into family life.

Spending time in Italy made me think of one of our Legacy Project elders, Maria. Like many Italians of her generation, Maria immigrated to this country, experiencing a mix of opportunity, hardship, and resilience. Maria has been married for 57 years. It would be hard to find a happier 83-year old, despite what many would consider a hard life.

Maria shared her lessons for living:

I didn’t have opportunity to go to college but we did have a school, and we had to go miles away from home even for that. And sure, it’s very important to get a good education. But now young people expect too much and too soon. We didn’t have what we have today; we didn’t have computers, we didn’t have TV. So today they’re lucky, they can learn a lot. But I feel that they don’t enjoy life, they look for something they cannot find. So they go with the bottle, they go with drugs and all that.

My life has been hard at times. I went through so much that I can’t even explain. The decision to come to this country was the best one at that time, because we had to go someplace, but we lost everything, it was very hard to leave your own country. I left my hometown at sixteen with my father and my brother. What I learned there was how to grow up fast and take care of my brother who was little, be a mother for him. I worked hard, I will suggest to everybody that if they want something, work hard and they’re going to get it.

I wasn’t spoiled, I was happy with nothing, and that made me work hard to get a little bit more. Take life the way it comes, easy. Try not to think about tomorrow too much, you know? Enjoy today because you don’t know when it’s tomorrow, if you’re going to be here tomorrow.

I enjoy every minute! I love my husband; every time he goes out, I never let him go without a kiss because you always wonder if something can happen. Never fall asleep without saying goodnight to the husband, never. And don’t be mad, that’s what I learned in my life, don’t be mad at other people. Enjoy things now, and stop worrying.

“You Can Do Anything for an Hour” – Contest Winner

We asked young people to submit lessons they have learned from an elder in their lives, and we picked three winners. Here’s the first - a great example of what we can learn from elders if we pay attention. Danny Ellison penned this winning entry.

I learned from an older gentleman once that you can do ANYTHING for an hour.

I (a 30 year old man) was casually playing fiddle with a group of older folks at a bluegrass festival when the director of the festival came to our group and told us that there had been a health issue with one of the professional bands due to perform later that afternoon. He asked us if we would like to play in their place.

We excitedly accepted. We practiced as long as we could, and although we played well together, we were no match for the other professional groups playing that weekend. As we approached the stage for our part of the show (following one of the best bluegrass bands I have ever heard, I might add), I told my older friend that I felt like I was too nervous to play. That’s when he said, “Son, you can do ANYTHING for an hour.”

 I have since applied this wisdom to ANYTHING I dread doing and it has gone a long way in helping me put things into perspective.

And the Winner is – Keep Playing!

Sandra Wilson is the grand prize winning elder in the Legacy Project contest, an elder offering a piece of advice to the younger generation! She offered a valuable lesson on keeping a sense of play throughout your life.

Part of living is learning to accept and understand that things change. Someone once said that “If you do what you always did, then you will get what you always got.” So, if you want things to happen differently then it may take changing conceptions and life styles.

However, there are certain human needs that are constant. One of them is the concept of “play.” We learn to play without realizing that there may be difficulties that need to faced in times that lay ahead and it is going to be all lright. As children we can easily write down about 10 activities that we love to do and can often remember the last time that we participated. We enjoyed being with friends, roller skating, sledding, playing games with family, jumping rope, etc.  It is interesting that when adults are asked, they tend to have difficulty in listing 10 things that they love to do, much less when they last did the fun activity.

Play is an essential. Many times marriages end because couple tend to stop playing. Friendships end because folks get sidetracked with responsibilities and lose touch. Family life becomes mundane when the parents and children omit family chat around the dinner table that leads to listening and laughing. Their time to play as a family can define their love for one another and add to positive memories. Having fun through play remains with us from birth to death.

Stay tuned – we’re about to start announcing the winners of our contest for young people, who contributed a lesson they have learned from an elder.

Sometimes a Few Words Can Change You: “Elder Mantras”

I’ve spent a lot of time over the past six years interviewing the oldest Americans about their lessons for living — advice they would like to pass on to future generations. As described in the book 30 Lessons for Living” the elders have outstanding advice on the “big picture” issues: love and marriage, child-rearing, choosing a career, health and of course, aging well.

One of the biggest surprises for me, however, has been the influence that a few profound thoughts or phrases have had on me. When confronted with a work problem, a stressful event, or just the usual tension that can build up during the day, I find that the voice of one or another of the elders will come to me and help me re-think the situation. I’ve come to call these my “elder mantras.”

Here are a few of these “mantras” that I find particularly helpful, all from wise people in their 80s and beyond. They reflect some of the core elements of elder wisdom.

Swimming in the sea of life

Paul, 85, had a successful and high-powered career as an architect. After both a hectic career and personal life, he has found old age to be a time of both clarity and serenity. When asked: “What have you learned during your life that you would like to pass on to a younger person,” he said: “I’ve learned how to swim. ”

That was a surprise, and when questioned, Paul went on:

I’ve learned how to swim. In life. I’m not a particularly good swimmer in water, but I’m a reasonable swimmer in the flow of living.

 This image of learning to swim in the river of life, of going with the flow of living, is a powerful and serene image when called up during a busy day.

Let it be

This mantra comes from Sister Clare Moran, whom I interviewed shortly before her 100th birthday. (I can’t give all the details here, but believe me when I say: If you want to hear about an interesting life, sit down for a while with a 100-year old nun!)

Reflecting on her nearly 80 years in the religious life, Sister Clare pointed to doing away with worry as her lesson for younger people. Early in her career as a nun, she learned a technique for reducing worry through pursuing acceptance:

There was a priest that said mass for us, a youngish priest, very fragile and frail. Beautiful, beautiful man. He said that at a certain time of his life, something happened; he didn’t tell us what it was. I heard that he had been working on a mission and they asked him to come back to the States and it broke his heart. It must have been a very hard thing to do. And he was very angry, he just couldn’t be resigned, just couldn’t. He got back into work here, but he couldn’t get his mind off it. Just couldn’t see why it had happened.

So he went to an elderly priest and he talked to him about it. He said, “What shall I do? I can’t get rid of it.” And the priest said, “Every time it comes to your mind, say this.” And the priest said very slowly, “Just let it be, let it be.” And this young man was saying it just the way the priest said it and he said, “I tried that and at first it didn’t make any difference, but I kept on. After a while, when I pushed it aside, let it be, it went away. Maybe not entirely, but it was the answer.”

 Sr. Clare, one of the most serene people I have ever met, has used this technique for well over three-quarters of a century.

So many things come to your mind, now for instance somebody might hurt your feelings, you’re going to get back at him or her, well — just let it be. Push it away. So I started doing that, I found it the most wonderful thing because everybody has uncharitable thoughts, you can’t help it. Some people get on your nerves and that will be there until you die. But when they start and I find myself thinking, “Well now she shouldn’t do that, I should tell her that…” Let it be. Often, before I say anything, I think, “If I did that, then what?” And let it be. Oh, so many times I felt grateful that I did nothing. That lesson has helped me an awful lot.

A feather from an angel’s wing

Flora, 80, is a poet who writes about her love of the landscapes of the Southwest. Her approach to living is to embrace the pleasures each day can hold, and she reinforces that attitude with a daily habit. One phrase stands out as a mantra.

If I were to give any particular word of advice I would say: Go about the business of the day, hum-drum as it might be, but walk on your tip-toes waiting for the “ah-ha!” experiences. That happens when you’re going around the corner doing the normal everyday things. So be prepared for those ah-ha experiences that may happen any time. That way, you’re always open to and watching for something different — watching for a feather from an angel’s wing.

It’s sorry you didn’t do…

One last mantra I carry with me is from Eleanor, who says about regrets: “Mostly it’s sorry you didn’t do than sorry you did!”

You can meet her (on video) as well as other elders sharing their wisdom.

Learning to live in the moment: Why not do it now?

In our interviews with hundreds of America’s elders in the Legacy Project, I learned that older people know some things on a deep level that the younger generation doesn’t. Perhaps the most important of these insights is a simple one: Life is short. The elders, from their vantage point, know how quickly life passes, and they urge us to savor it along the way. Rather than focusing only on our long-term plans and ambitions, the elders tell us to learn while we’re young how to live in the moment.

This point was brought home to me in an interview with John, 70, who lived much of his life looking toward the future, striving in his distinguished academic career. His lesson is to learn to savor life’s daily pleasures. He learned this in his sixties, but suggests younger people learn it sooner.

I don’t say people shouldn’t think about the future. But when you really give yourself up to the present, when you’re in the room and you look around you, and there are other people in the room and you’re able to really zero in on those other people, and being able to really sense what they’re feeling and tap in to their own presence, then it’s not aimless at all. You feel very connected, very grounded, and it’s energizing. So you receive energy by making those connections in the present moment.

And it’s not just with people. The same thing is true with a walk in the woods. If you can really open yourself up to hearing the sounds and smelling the smells, and feeling the touches, the wind, and all those things, then you increasingly feel like an integral part of that system, so that you too have feelings, and they begin to connect with what’s going on around you. You may feel small, but it’s not a very frightening smallness. Instead it’s a feeling of being a part of a larger something. There’s a connectedness that is very, very reassuring. So that’s what I mean by being present and being connected to now.

I think you inevitably look at the future, but to the extent that you can still appreciate what is going on today and at the moment, then exactly what that future is going to be continues to be an open question, and that openness I think has great value. You’re allowing in some sense your intuition to play a role, and not being afraid that somehow that intuition is going to compete with and overwhelm your reason. That the two can work together, and support one another, influence one another.

It’s not easy, particularly for those of us who spend a lot of time in academic institutions or other jobs where the rational part of you is applauded. Living in the present and enjoying life isn’t something that you complete, or accomplish; it’s something that you strive toward, something that you work on, something that you engage with. It’s a process, at least in my experience.

I suggest, based on John’s insights, that we all take at least a little time each day to stop and enjoy the present moment. Many of the Legacy Project elders point to peaceful savoring a major key to happiness.

Worry Wastes Your Life

The elders had a strong opinion about worrying. Keep in mind that – unlike many younger people – many of them have gone through the kinds bad experiences everyone worries about. And what they tell you is this: Yes, bad things may happen, but you will find the resources in yourself to handle them. Why poison the present moment with continual, pointless worry?

When you find yourself worrying too much, take a look at these lessons from the elders:

Manuel, 72: You have to be flexible; don’t get locked into one frame of mind over anything. And probably the most important thing is, ninety-five percent of all the things I worried about never happened.

Frank, 88: Don’t give into every ache and pain and be thankful for every day that you have on this earth, and enjoy your family. You can’t change anything by thinking about it. Whatever is going to be is going to be, and your worrying and concerning yourself is not going to change it one little bit.

Florence, 76: One thing I think is that sometimes you’re disappointed when something doesn’t work out, but I’ve always believed that everything happens for the best. You’re disappointed over something and then a few months may pass and you say: Gee, I’m glad this other thing didn’t happen because this is better.

Olivia, 95: We generally worry about the wrong things.  The calamities we lose sleep about usually don’t materialize.

The Guilt is Gone

Paul, 71, believes we’re too hard on ourselves when it comes to regrets:

What I know now is I made some mistakes in life, I have some regrets.  I think we all do.  But I’ve learned as I get older. I’ve identified things that I feel as though I did wrong.  I feel bad them, but I don’t hold myself responsible at this point in time.  I’m a different person now.  And to know that I erred in certain ways and I feel sad about it is enough for me.  The guilt is gone. 

A Philosophy for Living from a Remarkable Woman

Gladys, 89, was a truly remarkable woman, graduating from college in the 1930s and serving as one of the first female commissioned officers in the Navy in World War II, as part of the WAVES (Women Accepted for Volunteer Emergency Service). She offered her lessons in a letter to the Legacy Project, and we were saddened to learn that she passed away less than a year later.

Over her long life, she developed a clearly articulated philosophy of life, one that bears reading and re-reading.

Do not waste energy on wishing things were different. Just look at the problem and ask, “What am I going to do about it?”

When you face a decision really think it through, then don’t look back. Make good decisions, handle social impasses well, and you won’t carry around psychological garbage-regrets.

Realize that no one can give you offense no matter how bad the comment or act may be. You can choose whether you will take offense or not. This knowledge gives you poise when entering totally unknown situations. If you feel you are a decent person because of the way you regularly handle things, you can learn by negative comment but it won’t hurt.

God is real. Prayer, trust, then tackling any situation facing you, regardless of your feeling of competence, gives you a feeling of peace as you face the task. I have tackled a number of situations others would not attempt.

When you share your faith, friendships become deeper and more permanent. Sharing means exactly that, and you listen thoroughly to the other person’s viewpoint to gain understanding. I have prayed with Hindu, Buddhist, Muslim, Jewish, and Roman Catholic friends. There is one God; we just have different ways of understanding. Our prayers were answered.

“He” or “She” in referring to God is a non-issue. Plants and animals have to reproduce to continue life. God is from everlasting to everlasting. The problem is with the English language. “It” does not mean a living being. The problem is not the nature of God, but the language we have available to express ourselves.

Let you imagination reach out – be creative in the areas that feel good to you. The weight of all that’s wrong with this country and the world is not on your shoulders. Be concerned and take action in the areas that you can reach; responsibility for the rest belongs to God, and to people nearer the problem.

Worry is not effective. Creative action and an upbeat attitude are.

Material things are useful, but good relationships with God and the people around you make life worth living. I taught in the depth of the 1930′s depression. Poverty is not a lack of money. It is a lack of skills.

When my daughter read this, she said that there was something that should be added, “You seem so young, so mentally awake, that no one can guess your age.” That was a kind comment – I’ll be 90 in September!