Tne Secret about Aging You Need to Know

Looking for the best advice about aging? We asked over 1200 older Americans to offer their lessons on how toelder humor be happier, healthier, and more fulfilled. Some of the most interesting insights in the book from the project, 30 Lessons for Livingwere about aging itself. Of all these lessons (having hit 60 recently myself), there’s one I like the best.

Here is the elders’ secret: Being old is much better than you think it will be.

It’s a bit difficult to believe, perhaps, because of our negative stereotypes about aging as a period of loss and decline. But I found that the Legacy Project elders defied these stereotypes. Over and over, I got the message that being old (and sometimes really old) was much better than people ever expected. Let’s hear from three elders about their surprising experience of aging.

Ursula, 94, is surprised when people comment about her longevity. She told me:

Worry about aging? No. I wake up and I know where I am, I lead a very normal life. I eat, I drink, I like to talk, as you can see! I have an interest in what’s going on in the world. Flexibility, that is important. I don’t have to worry. I get very upset when people complain. You wouldn’t believe the complainers. I tell you, you have to think positively. And if you think positive, physically and mentally, things are all right. So one day I don’t feel so good, so what, you know? I think positive and that is my blessing. I have my mind and my wonderful memories. You need to do things, you see, or there’s no quality of life, sitting home and crying doesn’t help. I have been lucky to be healthy. I have everyday a glass of wine.

Davia,74, discovered her knack for business later in life and runs a successful bed-and-breakfast.

Well, when it comes to aging, it sure as heck not the way I would have thought old age or growing older would be like! I never thought it would be anything like this. I always thought: Oh, I don’t want to think about that or that sounds terrible. That was when I was young and I would be thinking about what old age might be like, if it somehow cam up as a topic of conversation.

But I still feel like I’m on the road of life to somewhere, and there’s so many things I still want to do, that I love to do. I don’t look at old age as something to be pitied or dismissed. Now very young people, they’re going to do that anyway I know, up to certain point in their lives anyway, they will.

But there are so many things I’d like to do. I’d like to do more traveling. I don’t have great funds to do it with, but I’m going to do some more. And I’m happy to have a bed and breakfast to run and it still excites me. It’s tiring when it’s busy, but I can sleep when I need to. I can manage to rest up. My health is pretty good and I make a point of eating healthy foods ands trying to go a little exercise on a regular basis. So I don’t feel like it’s the end of a life, not yet.

The most inspiring elder I spoke with was Edwina, 94: Whenever I worry about getting older, I take a look at her view of the later part of life:

My advice to people about growing old? I’d tell them to find the magic.  The world is a magical place in lots of ways.  To enjoy getting up in the morning and watching the sun come up.  And that’s something that you can do when you are growing older.  You can be grateful, happy for the things that have happened.  You should enjoy your life.  Grow a little.  Just because you’re getting older doesn’t mean that you need to stop growing. I used to think that when you got old you sat back in a rocking chair and let the world go by.  Well that’s not for me and that’s not for a lot of people.  I can’t dance anymore, but if I could I would.

There’s no reason for anybody in this world to ever be bored.  That’s one thing I’ve always said.  Well if I died and went to heaven, I’d be bored to death with how they say heaven is.  There’s no need for you to be bored in this world.  There’s so much out there.

Our society is filled with negative attitudes about growing old. But what if they are all wrong? Based on the elder’s advice, many of us can all look forward to a happier old age than we expect!

Go Out and Make A Difference

Today, one of the Legacy Project elders tells us to get out there and take action. Jared, 80, has been a farmer and making a differencebusinessman for 60 years and he has lived through setbacks and tragedy. But he is actively engaged in making the world a better place – and he thinks we should be, too.

My lesson for people is to get involved. Many times, I could have sat back and grumbled and nothing would have gotten done. But I got out there and made myself an annoyance enough so that these laws did get passed. You get involved and you can make a difference.

Maybe that’s my major point. People feel insignificant. They feel overpowered by the world. It’s easier to come home at night and sit in front of the television set or read the paper and go to sleep. I tend, I guess, to have maybe gotten somewhat of a reputation of a rabble rouser. Trouble maker maybe. If there’s something that needs correcting, I’m quite apt to get out there. In fact I’ve got a project going right now. I’ve been told maybe I should sit down and shut up. We’ve got an unfair situation the county I live in. I think it can be changed and straightened around, but it’s going to take a lot of work. That type of thing. You can make a difference if you get out and get involved!

Vacation: Use It to Learn from Your Family’s Elders!

During the summer, people often get together with their extended families, offering a great opportunity for summer elder wisdomfun, recreation – and gathering elder wisdom!

Why not use this time to encourage your kids to have meaningful “elder wisdom” conversations with the elders in your family?

Older people are a unique source of advice for living for younger people. And we need to tap this source much more vigorously than we are currently doing — both for young people’s sake and that of our elders.

We often do ask our elders to tell their life stories. But that activity is very different from asking their advice. You don’t just want their reminiscences; what’s truly valuable are the lessons they learned from their experience and that they wish to pass on to younger generations.

So while we are visiting older relatives, why don’t we all  take an hour (okay, it can be before or after the trip to the beach) to consult our elders about their lessons for living?

Your children are the best ones to start this conversation and they can ask questions that are highly relevant to them. Is Sammy concerned about bullying? Some elders (especially immigrants) were ferociously bullied as children. Is Pat concerned about finding the right partner? You have elders who have long experience in relationships, but who are rarely asked for their advice about them. Are your college kids worried about the job market? If so, how about advice from people who went through the Great Depression?

Remember that this is different from asking Grandpa “What did you do in World War II?” or Grandma “What was life like in the Depression?” The goal is to genuinely and interestedly ask for advice: “What lessons for living did you learn from those experiences?” Taking this approach elevates the role of elders to what they have been through most of the human experience: counselors and advisers to the less-experienced young.

Give it a try on vacation (and let me know how it went!). Here are some questions to get you started; it can help to send these in advance to your elders so they can ponder them a bit. More information is available in the book 30 Lessons for Living.(and you can watch elders sharing their lessons on our YouTube channel).

  • What are some of the most important lessons you feel you have learned over the course of your life?
  • Some people say that they have had difficult or stressful experiences but they have learned important lessons from them. Is that true for you? Can you give examples of what you learned?
  • As you look back over your life, do you see any “turning points”; that is, a key event or experience that changed over the course of your life or set you on a different track?
  • What’s the secret to a happy marriage?
  • What are some of the important choices or decisions you made that you have learned from?
  • What would you say you know now about living a happy and successful life that you didn’t know when you were twenty?
  • What would you say are the major values or principles that you live by?

Add go ahead and add your own. I guarantee it will enrich your summer vacation this year!

Finding Happiness in Simple Things

Many of the elders in the Legacy Project advise us that the present moment is what is critically important, and that we miss each happiness notemoment in our drive toward the future and our pursuit of material goods. Evette, 79, tells about the things that delight her and make life worth living – and none of them are “big ticket” items.

At my age you learn that “things” aren’t important; people are.

The love of your family, the sharing of their milestones and the joy when they ask you about yours.

The touch of their young smooth cheek or hand on your non-elastic skin sends warmth all over you.

I’ve learned that there’s no substitute for a good book while you’re under a down comforter.

I’ve learned that there’s no substitute for good hearty laughter that brings color to your cheeks and a jump to your heart.

I’ve learned that when you want to stay in bed because of aching joints, a brisk walk or a stationary bike does wonders!

I’ve learned that everyone has a story that’s worth listening to.

I’ve learned that it’s okay to ask your children for help even if you were fiercely independent before.

I’ve learned that the beat of your heart is dependent on the hearts of your children and grandchildren.

Cultivate Equanimity and Awe for Real Happiness

These observations from Mary, 90, really got me thinking. So many of us associate happiness with emotional awehighs and gathering possessions, but Mary believes it lies in emotional states like equanimity and awe.

Equanimity, the ability and discipline to maintain clarity and balance regardless of the forces around us, enables us to develop as true individuals, never before and never again in existence. Only with the development of equanimity are we able to stand in our own unique space, to differentiate our essential being, and thus to offer our particular gifts to the world.

Awe, that rush of quiet passion, that sudden gasp in the presence of great beauty or immensity or unfathomability is another necessary ingredient for the full appreciation of life. Cousin to gratitude, fear, and ecstasy, it overwhelms and enriches us beyond our usual boundaries.

Arnold, 95, Preaches Tolerance – with Humor

I met Arnold, 95, at a New York City senior center. A victim of Nazi persecution, Arnold fled Germany to the United wisdom signStates and made a good life for his family. He believes that curiousity and tolerance are the keys to lifelong happiness. He’s a funny guy, so he offered wisdom with a joke.

You ask about life lessons? I will tell you a story. A father talks to his son, and he says to his son, I want to talk to you about sex. And the son says, “Dad, what do you want to know?”

There’s your answer. We have to learn from the young and always stay curious. I had such convictions that I changed completely. Circumstances taught me that what I believed wasn’t so. One of my advantages is that I am willing to recognize change. In life, we are confronted with constant change, and you can’t be dogmatic. You see what happens with nations, what happens with people when they are dogmatic. You have to be open, be involved in new things.

A List of Lessons – From a Life Well-Lived

Tammy, 87, wrote us a letter that tells, straight from the heart, the lessons learned over a long and full life. Fromlist for living.2 marriage, to education, to work, these lessons are worth a careful read. (And anyone out there who was in a 4-H club, you will find the 4-H pledge here, too!)

I am pleased to submit my response to the letter asking for comments on what we have learned over the course of our lives.

Having been married sixty-one years, I have had a chance to learn many lessons. One of the foremost is the need to communicate. This applies to family or employer. Along with communicating in order to have good relations, one must be willing to cooperate by compromising or even putting one’s own opinion aside.

My second lesson would be getting enjoyment out of each situation. In married life this would be with each child that is born, in participation in all your children’s activities, interest in your husband’s work, and taking an active part in community activities.

My advice for a happy life is to take advantage of opportunities as they come along. Value your education, be a faithful, honest employee, and if raising a family is one’s path, strive for a healthy and happy family. It all takes determination.

My prescription for life is pretty well summarized in the 4-H pledge which I learned years ago. I pledge my head to clearer thinking, my heart to greater loyalty, my hands to greater service, and my health to better living for my family (club), community, and my country.

We only go through this life once, and it can be a satisfying experience if we set our minds to it. It is sad today to see so many lives wasted by turning to self-gratification and lack of good goals. There is truth in the saying, “smile and the world smiles with you, weep and you weep alone.” Be thankful for every day.

I am so grateful that I was able to attend college. It certainly prepared me for the years that followed. As I look back, I know I didn’t take full advantage of all the wonderful experiences college offered but only maturity gives one a perspective to see things one may have missed.

The Lighter Side of Lessons

Are you looking for answers to life’s big questions? How about advice on happiness, finding fulfilling work, loveelder humor
and marriage, or living a life without regrets? You’ve come to the right place!
At the Legacy Project, we’ve asked more than 1200 older Americans to share their advice for younger people about how to live happier lives. (And the book on the topic will make a perfect graduation gift this spring!).

Meet some of the amazing elders in person on our YouTube channel! You can also get more elder wisdom by following us on Facebook .

Many of the elders looked at their long lives with a sense of humor. Here are a few of my favorites from the interviews with people ages 70 to 108:

Save your money, take care of yourself, play golf.

Stay out of trouble – and steer clear of other people’s wives!

Choose to be happy. I even wear my Clinique perfume called “Happy.”

Don’t wear a miniskirt when you’re sixty-eight.

God don’t like people that mess around where they ain’t supposed to be. I know he put it out there for you to do if you want to do it, but he don’t tell you to do it!

Well, I don’t think my life would have worked without God in my life because my husband is Mexican-Italian and I’m English-Irish, along that line, and if we hadn’t had God in our life, we just wouldn’t have made it.

I think stick with your beliefs but listen to other people’s sides. A couple of times I think I even voted for Democrats.

Learn new things, don’t sit back and stagnate. I’ve got to admit that we just got a new computer and it still terrifies me. I couldn’t even program anything and I’m a damn mechanic! And here comes an eight year old boy who can work it so well!

I’ve learned that it’s much easier to be positive than negative, it’s easier to smile than to frown, and when in doubt, eat chocolate!

Come join the conversation with the wisest Americans!

Let’s Care About the World: Gwendolyn’s List for Living

care for the worldMany of the Legacy Project elders were concerned about the state of the world. Their lessons reflect long lifetimes of observing humanity and current events. Gwendolyn, 80, offers her views about things we should deeply care about and how to act on them.

Among the most important lessons I have learned during my life are the following:

1. The important role of family and the great benefits realized when there is a close knit and supportive family unit.

2. The very deleterious effects of the increasing emphasis on materialism and material possessions.

3. The destructive impacts on the environment caused by overdevelopment and over population. I am fearful for the coming generations.

4. The pervasive dishonesty and lack of integrity of public officials and the sense of hopelessness for change felt by the average citizen.

5. The alarming tendency manifested by our society’s support of political wars, destruction and mass slaughter of human beings.

6. The apathy of the public to critical issues such as global warming.

My advice to younger generations would be to remain close to your families, pursue education, completely avoid drugs and crime; maintain a code of honesty and integrity despite peer pressure to the contrary; work for honesty in government; care about our environment and work to preserve and improve it.

The Secrets of Communicating with Adult Children

communicating with adult childrenMany of the elders in the Legacy Project had one piece of advice about getting along with one’s adult children: Don’t interfere in their lives, and wait for them to come to you for advice. But what when they do ask your opinion, what are some good ways to communicate?

Tom, 82, has warm and supportive relationships with his three middle-aged sons. He recognizes that sometimes one is called upon to give advice to adult children; indeed, they ask for it. A problem, of course, is that parents are naturally invested in their children, and it is difficult for them to step outside of their own needs to objectively evaluate the choices their child must make.

Tom’s advice: Take the “I” out of the conversation:

Yeah, the big advice is always be open minded. Forget the business of ‘I’ centered and put the focus on ‘you’ centered. The son that you’re talking to and who has issues that he wants to discuss and forget the ‘I’, or at least put the I in the background so that at least he understands that he’s getting the benefit of your wisdom. You, who can govern how much ‘I’ to project, can inject information or guidance when it’s appropriate, not to dominate the conversation but to augment what the son wants to say. I think it’s a delicate balance of diplomacy among family members. I’ve not always done well.

Grace, 75, found that her enjoyment of her children increased as they grew older and became adults; it was the “pay-off” for more difficult earlier years.

I think by the time my kids were a little bit older and they were able to accept their parents for who they were, as I was with my mother, then it was great. I have enjoyed my children as adults so much, so, so much, and it’s something no one ever said to me. They always would say when the kids were young, “Oh, these are the wonderful years, these are the best years.” They were lovely years, but there is something just as lovely or more lovely when they are adults and you could talk to them as another human being. To know your children as adults is great.

She shares her thoughts with her kids, but accepts that her advice may be turned aside.

Well, there again, I think – don’t be too critical. In fact, don’t be critical at all. Accept them, accept what they’re doing. But I for example just wrote my daughter giving her some financial advice, and said, “I’m giving this to you with love not with criticism,” because she just does such stupid things financially. So – and she will read it, and maybe she’ll do it and maybe she won’t, but I’m perfectly willing to accept it that way.