A note to readers: For more information on this topic, please see my new book, Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them.
Many of the elders had one piece of advice about getting along with one’s adult children: Don’t interfere in their lives, and wait for
them to come to you for advice. But what when they do ask your opinion, what are some good ways to communicate?
Tom, 82, has warm and supportive relationships with his three middle-aged sons. He recognizes that sometimes one is called upon to give advice to adult children; indeed, they ask for it. A problem, of course, is that parents are naturally invested in their children, and it is difficult for them to step outside of their own needs to objectively evaluate the choices their child must make.
Tom’s advice: Take the “I” out of the conversation:
Yeah, the big advice is always be open minded. Forget the business of ‘I’ centered and put the focus on ‘you’ centered. The son that you’re talking to and who has issues that he wants to discuss and forget the ‘I’, or at least put the I in the background so that at least he understands that he’s getting the benefit of your wisdom. You, who can govern how much ‘I’ to project, can inject information or guidance when it’s appropriate, not to dominate the conversation but to augment what the son wants to say. I think it’s a delicate balance of diplomacy among family members. I’ve not always done well.
Grace, 75, found that her enjoyment of her children increased as they grew older and became adults; it was the “pay-off” for more difficult earlier years.
I think by the time my kids were a little bit older and they were able to accept their parents for who they were, as I was with my mother, then it was great. I have enjoyed my children as adults so much, so, so much, and it’s something no one ever said to me. They always would say when the kids were young, “Oh, these are the wonderful years, these are the best years.” They were lovely years, but there is something just as lovely or more lovely when they are adults and you could talk to them as another human being. To know your children as adults is great.
She shares her thoughts with her kids, but accepts that her advice may be turned aside.
Well, there again, I think – don’t be too critical. In fact, don’t be critical at all. Accept them, accept what they’re doing. But I for example just wrote my daughter giving her some financial advice, and said, “I’m giving this to you with love not with criticism,” because she just does such stupid things financially. So – and she will read it, and maybe she’ll do it and maybe she won’t, but I’m perfectly willing to accept it that way.
I have an adult daughter (21) who blames me for the divorce that we all went through. I have a son (23). Like another on here, I had a very loving relationship with them when they were young, before the divorce. I have to say that I became depressed and was combative with their father because he was absent and not paying court order support. I wish I could go back, knowing now how our not getting along in front of them affected them. My daughter now refers to her father and stepmom as her parents. I told her that I felt slighted and snubbed by her. She lived with them for two years because her father didn’t want to pay support. As soon as she graduated from high school, they threw her out and she went to live with a boyfriend. They said she wasn’t following house rules and she had a curfew where she didn’t come home one night. I didn’t know about this until much later because she wasn’t speaking to me at the time. She tells me I am not a good role model and I have taught her how not to be. A lot of what she remembers is distorted and any time I attempt to tell her how she has forgotten details, or timeframes prove that she is mistaken, she gets furious with me. I was trying to “defend” myself but now I just let her feel or see the past as she wants. I have decided that I can’t be around her toxic behavior. I have her told I love her and I will help her when she needs it.
Just like someone else here has said, I didn’t act like this with my parents. My parents would say that they really couldn’t plan kids. Back in the day you had kids when you had them. These days, parents feel as though they have to make life great and positive for their kids because they were “planned”. So much we have to do to make their life easier than ours or at least better. I’m tired of feeling guilty.
I do have to say my son is really terrific but there are times when he is condescending, especially when I am not so tech savvy. He gets very frustrated when it takes me a bit to understand. He’s in the Navy, so I don’t see much of him.
I refuse to put up with irrational, discourteous, disrespectful behavior.
My 27 year old son has not talked to me for two years . The last thing I remember him saying to me is that me and his father cause him bad anxiety but he still runs out to his fathers house for every special event . I raised the four of them all bye myself for 20 years in a foreign country to me with no help from no one I never got barley a dime out of there father nore did the children until my daughter turn 20 years old and none of them where living with me I got a lousy 5 and a half thousand dollars back pay of child support from there father who to this day is to cheap to pay to divorce me even he earns one hundred thousand a year . I sacrifice my whole 20 years struggle after struggles to raise the four of them the best I could I never even brought home strangers like men in front of them I went without everything for them to put them first in everything in my life please can any one tell me what is is I did so wrong for my son to hate me that much help my Brocken heart ❤️ to understand
I am sad but so grateful to know there are others out there like me. Thank you for sharing your pain. You have given me strength to calmly stand up against the belittling I have been going through. After being so available to my daughter I think it’s time to pull back. My heart goes out to all of you. Wish we could go for coffee. I’m sure we would all become close friends.
Hi Everyone,
I’m in the same boat and it is so very painful. My son who is now 26, married with my first 4 mo. old grandson, has stopped talking to me. I sent gifts for Christmas, knowing I probably would hear nothing, and I did not. It hurt terribly.
I share your hurt, your tears, shame, guilt and SHOCK that this is the current situation. I don’t see this changing anytime soon and have to come to grips with the reality of not knowing my Grandson and not having a relationship with my grown son.
I am firmly dedicated to moving through this hurt as best as possible. I realize that I have to let go and detach mentally to heal. But I can do it only through the grace of God.
My daughter 29, has also been treated badly by her brother and his wife. She is wounded as well and working through her hurt. In one conversation after Christmas she said “Mom, you can keep sending gifts, expecting perhaps an acknowledgement…..but you are keeping yourself in this suspended state of anxiety and hurt. You might want to just stop and move on…they don’t care about your gifts”
I think this was point on good advice for me. I am the only person caring in the relationship. Rejection from your child is horrible, but you cannot let it wreck your life. God would not want that.
Even though it is your child, you just have to realize that they are a child no longer and are on their on journey. Forgive them, Pray for them and wish them well.
God will help us all. Let’s all pray for each other for wisdom, grace and peace.
Thank you all so much for sharing.
We have three children. Up until fourteen months ago, we though they were all doing well both in their personal lives and professionally.
I should preface this by telling you that our forty year old daughter was diagnosed with ADD as a child and over the years joked about possible mild OCD. Just in the last couple of years she mentioned that she was having some anxiety and depression but, she never indicated it was over whelming or anything, nothing most people experience in certain situations.
Then one day suddenly she went ballistic. Her husband was out of town and they had asked me to babysit their two children after school until she could get home. Hours before she was due she showed up at my door in a rage, fists clenched, spitting as she called me a f—ing b—h. It was like being hit by a bus! All I could do was say “What are you talking about? I was ask to pick them up.” Her response was to call me a f—ing monster. The children stood frozen in place not knowing what to do. She cursed at them and screamed for them to get in the car.
Later that night she emailed the whole family a four page message directed primarily at me. In it, she blames me for everything from not getting a new bicycle when she was seven to not being allowed to choose an out of state college to not being able to tell me she had sex with her first husband while they were in college because, I had taught her the biblical stance of no sex before marriage.
Days later we learned that she had expected to pick up the children and decided that I had deliberately “kidnapped” them to make some sort of point about how the playground wasn’t monitored and therefore unsafe. We also learned that she was drinking and smoking pot to deal with anxiety and depression. Her husband said he prefers her stoned because that’s “the only way she’s calm enough for me to talk to her without us fighting.” She’s been treating him this way for over two years. Screaming, illogical accusations, and nasty, rambling emails became the only way she communicated with him. She’s threatened to leave with the children and change their names so no one can find them. He’s terrified that he’ll come home someday to find them gone.
One of our other children tried to talk with her and said she acted as though nothing had happened. She seemed manic; happy and smiling but, unable to stay on topic. When asked about the “kidnapping”, she said, “Well, turns out it wasn’t true but, oh well, it needed to be said.”
Though her husband has been good enough to keep us updated, he has to walk on eggshells. We only live ten minutes apart but, have been allowed to see our two grandchildren only three times since. (a couple of hours for both their birthdays and for four hours two days after Christmas) We don’t want to give her a reason to follow through with her threat to run with them. And by the way, she did this days before we received confirmation that my husband would need cancer surgery. She’s never asked anyone if he’s even alive or dead.
There’s a lot more I could write here but, I will just close by saying, it is helpful knowing that we aren’t alone and despite what some phycologists will tell you, it isn’t always the parents. Our children are influence by many things outside our control and their own internal struggles. Still, knowing that doesn’t make it any less painful. It is a type of grief we carry.
Gain, Thank You So Very Much.
I have a 27-year-old daughter who always calls me sometimes daily for advice or talks about things going on with her just to hear my response. When she doesn’t get the response she wants she snaps verbally and there goes the neighborhood. At this point, I can’t get a word in and can’t get her to calm down. Sometimes, I listen to the verbal abuse and sometimes I hang up the phone. This year, I vowed to stop giving her advice and avoid any conversation that will cause a verbal outburst. I make no response what so ever and now hear attitude in her voice and she gets off the phone. I am doing what I should have done with her years ago, showing tough love. I have my life to live and can’t be made to feel I have done something wrong or feel anxious because of what I’ve expressed. I said a prayer last night for her and always praying that she will rely on God, not me and see God working in her life. Some adult children make you feel like walking away from them and not look back.
Showing hurt ,jumping to attention and yearning for them to love you come on guys
You need to live your life get busy once they realise your independent and happy they will respect you
They feed off you they need to grow up and they need you to let go
If you love someone let them go
If they return then they are yours
Trust me every family has the same problems
Love yourself and your husband and book holidays go out be busy
So many questions… But no answers why.
I agree with Christine’s post of January 17, 2018, at 1:05 am. I know how difficult it is but we have to go on with our lives. Our adult children have made their decisions, even though we have sacrificed and given unconditional love. Someday they will have kids that will treat them the same way they have treated us. We, as parents, need to enjoy our lives and I am. Stay strong!
Reading and seeing that others have the same problem as me is a little comforting…i don’t feel so alone but the pain is still there. I don’t have any answers just the same pain of not having my son talking to me anymore. We were so close when he was growing up and he went on his own to be a Marine (still active), he married (7 years now) and in the process of adopting 3 beautiful children who i have only been blessed to see a couple times. When they come to town to visit his wifes mother, they dont let me know or even come by. I find out through facebook. I did not raise my son to be this way. I’ve always taught him how important family is to one another and when he got married that all changed. I understand, he has his own life and starting his own family…..just wish he would let me be a part. The kicker about all of this is….I don’t know why he doesnt respond. I know some are thinking “You must have said or done something” Honestly, I have no clue. I spoke with my pastor and he just tells me this is all a part of God’s perfect plan. His plan is breaking my heart but it’s suppose to be doing somebody good. I just have to keep my trust and faith in God that he will one day bring my son back to me and let me be a part of his life and my grandchildren’s lives.
5 years on and the conversation is still pertinent to many of us. I echo much of what has been said here with my own experience and it makes me feel like I’ve been the worst example of a parent to my only son.
It’s upsetting and sometimes puzzling and I have no idea how I’ve ended up in such a situation, but I will take a smidgeon of responsibility. His issue is my control. My excuse? If I could help him succeed, avoid mistakes, and take responsibility then I’ve helped. I haven’t though. I’ve made it all worse and I’ve ruined a relationship and a friendship.
As a parent, I thought I was doing the right things. I fed him, loved him, gave him everything he needed and wanted. I tried to teach him to be kind to others. I would lay down my life for him. At lot of the things I’ve done was done out of love…and for an easy life. I hated confrontations and would do what he asked to save an argument, even when I didn’t want to. He’s often said that we’re close…maybe too close and a parent and child. As an adult, I’ve done everything for him that I could, as I thought he’d struggle if I didn’t. My mistake was mistaking my control for love. So, it’s as much my fault as anyone’s.
Very often, our discussions about respect would descend into an argument with foul words and blame. Rarely, would we be able to discuss a wrong or an issue with the ensuing row. My apology (never one from him) would calm the storm, and all would be forgotten until the next one. I’d apologise because I was the adult, but by apologising I was acknowledging that the fault was mine.
Today, instead of engaging after a verbal assault, I wrote him an email admitting my errors and that by my control, I was taking everything from him and it was time he became the man he should be, and live the life he wants. By return I received the most awful, vitriolic response. I’m not sure if there’s a way back from this anymore. Seeing his anger written, is far worse than hearing the words said.
I admit my errors. I acknowledge my part in our dysfunctional relationship…but he can’t admit his and there doesn’t seem to be an awful lot I can do about it. I will lose him, I know and that makes me sad to know that I can’t fix this.
My fiancé of 3 yrs has a grown 25 yr old that just got married two months ago , I was not invited to wedding. She calls her dad 2-3 times to chat even late at night , she doesn’t want to know me , is this normal?
My daughter doesn’t ignore gifts sent. She wants to keep me close so that she can take her frustrations out on me. Last Thanksgiving I had really had it with her. She invited me down with promises of doing things together. She took me out the first night and was polite so I stayed a second night……Big mistake. I should have known from past experience not to spend too much time with her. As usual she started making little digs, getting on her phone and texting her friends, playing computer games … totally ignoring me. If I said anything about it she would bring up something from the past that I did that she didn’t like.
I finally told her that it was time for me to go. She actually got angry. I couldn’t believe it. She won’t even talk to words to me, except to complain. But if I want to go she is insulted. Unbelievable!!!
My adults kids can be rude or mean to me. I try to have boundaries and will let my son know when he is inappropriate with me. I think he does reflect on my comments. However, my daughter, she says I push her buttons. I try so hard not to criticize but evidently I must, because when I visit, she ends up offended and comes at me (guess I roll my eyes too loudly- ha). I am not used to confrontation or being yelled at -I try to maintain my self respect. Sometimes my husband sticks up for me but sometimes he says nothing. He stays pretty much neutral which makes me so angry at times and makes em look like the bad one. Our kids are good people who married nice people(not Jewish but that’s another story). They thank us and are appreciative for gifts and for babysitting etc. and we are close to them. My BIGGEST heartache is….my son wants nothing to do with my daughter. Incredibly painful as it has broken up our family. We don’t have the joy of seeing all the grand kids together (our daughter lives out of town). This is compounded by us living far away from our big families who have lots of get togethers. Therefore, our two kids do not have the opportunity to attend the same events or get together. I have been hurting for ten years over this. Whoever dreamed of fostering their relationship with one another when they were young. I guess I should have worked on that with them. Everyone said there is nothing I can do so I keep my mouth shut. I wish I could tell my son how much pain he is putting us thru plus adult sibling relationships are so precious and important and rewarding. People who have kids who get along and are close, do not realize how lucky they are. I have tried everything in my head to get some peace with it but nothing works ):
and they don’t need to expect my hard earned money should go into their pockets when I die.
Wow, I can’t believe how life can turn for the worst, when you so ‘no, sorry sweetheart, I can’t’. When did children get so much emotional power over their parents. For goodness sake how, what are you meant to be or do??? I’m a parent of adult children and have recently been given the silent treatment and have been given it in the past. My parents whom I still speak to didn’t care about our ‘feelings’ growing up or now, it was the elders who received respect as they’ve lived through it all and alot. Firstly, Children who’ve abusive cruel families is on another level and definitely need to remove themselves. But the majority of us are just ordinary good hard working parents who LOVE our children. We are being brainwashed by a plethora of psychologists, (who in a lot of cases have had a grudge growing up themselves..that’s why they go into that field). I’ve met a few over the years who should not be giving advice! Most parents out there are at a bloody loss as to what the hell has happened. We give, give, give, we do our very best, with great love in our hearts, that’s why our hearts feel so broken. When did wisdom, respect, kindness get lost or become unimportant? Please do not tell me, WE parents, all stuffed up!! That’s nonsense! What, because we didn’t chose our words or actions at all times perfectly! I believe the problem is that my generation of parents tried a different tactic to our parents generation and that was we became too accomodating because of fear, fear of losing our children’s love, so we became giving loving friends instead of parents with a voice. It backfired! My parents weren’t accomodating and I still speak to them. When did it become fashionable to not have much or anything to do with your parents. Believe it or not, most of us aren’t nosey Parker’s or expect our kids to be with us 24/7, we need our space TOO, we are also busy humans trying to get through our own life, health issues, getting old etc etc. To the majority of adult kids out there, get over it! You should all thank your lucky stars you weren’t born in a war torn country, or places where there’s no food or water, or on a cramped boat escaping to another country.
I am in the same situation, however, I have a set of twin girls that hate each other and hate me without any kindness at all. I was a single parent when the where 3 to 11. I never received any child support from their father so I had to work and work often. They stayed a lot with my mom and dad. I never felt like I ignored them. I was alway at their functions. When they turn 11 I married a man that gave all of us a great life and a stable financial life as well. So they were never without anything. Now at 36 and me at 67 has turned horrible. One refuses to talk to me at all since November. I don’t even know why. Yesterday I wrote her a text message begging her to tell me what has happened. With no response from her. The other one is verbally aggressive towards me. With text messages that go so deep my heart is totally broken. She has continued this behavior for years. But I always go back and apologize for whatever she said I did. But again here comes another email or phone call that slices thru me like a sword I end up crying for days until we make contact again. I am done! I want to move out of the area so no one can get to me. I am screaming from hurt and a ripped out heart. My girls and grandkids are my life. And without them I’m broken.
I feel like an abused dog that gets beat then wags their tail when the master comes back around. I can’t take it anymore. This is so not normal.
Hi everyone!
My heart goes out to all of you.. I know it hurts.. as far as I know there is NO PERFECT PARENT in this world.. and we can only be the best parent we can be!
I have a 26 year old daughter and have the same problems you all have.. I used to beat myself up all the time for our distant relationship but thru time I’ve accepted it.
It still hurts and as s parent, it always will, as we always carry some Hope, that it will change but NOT when we want it to. But there is nothing we can do or I should there was nothing “ I could do “ except to wait and be patient for her to come around. I’m still waiting. It’s been a darn long time, but she’s my child, what should I do? I go about my life but I’ve worked on acceptance of who she is in the meantime and that has brought me some peace. When I stopped trying to change and focus on her and instead focused on me and what I had to change, ( we are all different) it became easier. The higher my expectations are the lower my serenity is… of course I pray a lot too.
This is not what I want but I can’t change anyone but me. I hope this helps, somewhat.
My daughter of now 34 married 3 years and a 1 yo daughter still speaks to me with a cutting tone to put me in my place when I have asked her a question or made a comment she doesn’t like. I live 3 hours away and barely see them as its hard on my back to travel by train for long distances and she and her husband refuse to drive to visit me (just over 2 hours). Her daughter has been unwell for several months and she mentioned over the phone today that my grand-daughter was having trouble breathing with a blocked nose during the night and they got little sleep. I asked if she’d tried Vicks that can be rubbed onto the chest and the fumes breathed in. She ignored what I said, and it happens time and time again when I think of something that may be helpful, or I remember from my youth or my own mothering experience …. without pushing it onto her or demanding she do what I say … and she ignores me. I was annoyed at it happening yet again and asked her why she ignores my suggestions … her immediate snappy response was “If you’re going to be like that, I’m ending this conversation!” She has treated me like this for many years and thought she would improve her behaviour after having a child, but no. Her snap shocked me and really hurt me, but she will never apologise. Respect for me … nah.
Hi All
I have a son who is 29 years old. His dad and I are divorced for 12years. His dad has issues with alcohol and also lost his job and now he is has found employment with a small salary. My son has a girlfriend who is older and she has spoken to me several times about his behaviour. He behaves like his dad, rude to his girlfriend and used to be rude to me as well. he would tell her to get out or ignore her calls, and his dad did the same thing to me. My son always says he wont replicate the same mistakes like us but I see him do the same. How do I approach him.
Life is too short enjoy what you have left without your disrespectful kids.
I was a single parent and had the most loving relationships with my 2 kids until they grew up. Now they just blame everybody including me for their hardships in life.
Well, I decided to see how they will do without me. I moved 700 miles away. I gave them my address and said drop by sometime.
My 30 yr. old stopped talking to me after a fine wedding on the Hudson and her new husband got a big job. Horrible. I did sob.. The was very sad.. now I am working on sadly accepting I am not the one whom decides how things are between us. Her husband is smart but a bit odd… and certainly controlling. She has issues sadly herself I was told by her sister that I was not aware of.. another reason to sadly give all the mental room she wants as she may truly need it in order for her to get herself together. She is very smart as her husband is and works in a very good job also.
So someone is going to stop having a relationship from the people that love them the most because they are brats? Not hardly – go to counseling, get a personality test to see if you have any disorders, and look at your other failed relationships. The only person that you can control and change is the one in the mirror. Treat your child with the respect you would give a stranger, a friend or a boss. stop with the lectures – you probably weren’t half as responsible as them at their age.
And why in the world would you throw the 1st birthday party instead of the parents? Didn’t you get to do it when your child was little?
It’s not about YOU!
My daughter of 42 years old came to visit me from out of town. She had twin boys 2 years ago. She had a difficult delivery & decided to move in with her in laws temporarily for help with the twins. This situation is now going on almost 3 years & Im sure she would like to have her own home. I paid for her all her expenses to fly to my home & all her requests for items for my grandchildren. She always seems very hostile to me, for the past 15 years. I was so looking forward to enjoying the children & her company. But she was very angry with me for any little thing that she didn’t like. Meanwhile Im killing myself to please her & help her the best I can. I know she’s tired all the time & living in a difficult situation, but I don’t understand her outbursts of anger at me.
I actually feel “used” by her. She was very demanding that I buy all kinds of things for her kids. I’ve gone out of my way to please her, but she lashes out at me with an anger I don’t understand. She’s gone back to work, but I know she’s always tired. I don’t understand this anger, but she’s been this way since she was in college. When her boyfriends were good, she was happy with me. When the relationships soured, she lashed out at me. Am I to assume that her marriage is failing? My husband doesn’t understand her anger, but he sees it too. But he’s always been the non-disipinarisn, so she is crazy about him. He doesn’t want to interfere. He suggests we go to counseling, but she’s not willing. I am willing. But Im feeling really “used”. I think Imb just her “whipping boy” & she thinks it’s OK to take all her frustrations out on me. I really feel so hurt I want to cry. I had a good relationship with my own Mom & I never imagined this would happen. I feel it’s my fault. I allowed her to be moody & mean & now Im paying for it. I love her, but Im a person & I feel like she’s treating me like trash. I guess Ill never have a decent relationship with her, if I don’t have one now. I thought once she was happily married, she’d mature & be more mellow. This is a big disappointment, as I love her dearly. But one can’t continue to love another whose treating them so bad. I’ll go to a Psycholigist myself & see if I can move on. This is so painful, Im crying as I write this. I feel I’ve lost my daughter, & don’t know why. Is she unhappy in her marriage? It can’t be easy living with in-laws, even if they’re nice helping people. I welcome any suggestions.
To a. casden, July 17th, 2018:
Sometimes I write my struggles down and then, when I’m calmer, carefully read them as if someone else has written them and asked me for advice.
I think we often have great answers somewhere inside of us if we stop and meditate on it instead of fearing and worrying. We are smarter than we give ourselves credit to be, and might discount our thoughts because we don’t want to do what we need to, or don’t want to be blamed for demonstrating some necessary tough love (and those tough people in our lives know that we don’t want to go against them and their anger).
Sometimes, we’ve got to think like a surgeon who cuts away gangrene to save the foot; salvages whatever is salvageable and to release, as gently as possible, whatever isn’t.
My late twenties stepson has come to work for a few weeks in our city and visit. However, it appears he would rather spend all of his time in the room with the door closed than spend a few minutes socializing with his dad or me. We tolerated this for a week. And each time he has a night or time off, he takes off. If we leave, he’s gone when we return. It’s so obvious.
We had plans to take him out. His father couldn’t wait to spend time with him. It’s so sad.
However, now that we are fed up with his vulgar lack of manners, we have chosen to close ourselves in rooms with doors closed too. In fact, I stopped cooking for him so he could fund his own groceries due to his rudeness.
We are hoping that with us acting like him, he won’t ask to visit again, so we don’t have to tell him NO, next time. Because we’ll be damned if we will ever welcome him here again with this attitude.
What was even more pathetic is he wanted us to cosign for a loan after treating us this way. It was easy to say no. Not too bright on his part, but it certainly was easy for us.
I’m not a big one for enabling. His father isn’t either. Leave that for his permissive mother. At 28, he’s too old to be acting like a teenager.
He can stay at a hotel next time he works here. We’re over it.
To casden:
I feel like you have posted my story in your message, I too have an adult daughter who has emotionally distanced herself from me since she was 12, she is now 25. I thought that her becoming a mother would help her to see how difficult a job raising a child can be, but that no matter how hard, it is one of the greatest loves and joys of a mother’s life. She was my princess from birth, and still is, but the way she treats me is so cruel, her words so vicious, twisting everything I say including words unspoken by me. If I speak I’m wrong, if I don’t I’m wrong, if I ask to see her or my grandchild I’m “needy” and “pathetic” but yet her mother-in-law is her new bestie. My daughter likes to spend time with everyone but me, and if I say anything to suggest I want to build a relationship with her, I am immediately accused of being the source of her unhappiness bother as a child and now.
I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be going to counselling because of someone that I loved more than life itself, but here I am, trawling through forum posts of other tormented parents to find comfort in knowing I am not alone.
And you know Casden, I’ve learnt that I’m not alone and neither are you. Hang in there, the has to be a light at the end of this tunnel for us both. God Bless and stay strong.
Hi I have a 38 year old single son that drinks to much at night and has gained weight in just his stomach and has sleep apnea and how can I get him to listen to me about his health?
So sorry for everyone’s troubles. I’m reaching a similar state with 22 year old daughter. Unlikely to have that mother daughter bond I’d dreamed of. But I’m tired of begging for communication and the thought of doing that for the rest of my life is like a kind of death sentence. I really feel I need to focus on knowing I did all I could and have really no guilt. So, shocking and demoralizing as it is, I must process the pain and loss and seek higher ground, honestly. The thought of a life spent despairing over this every time a holiday comes or other event just kills me. So I’m going to try not to set myself up for that. Please everyone: try and love yourselves knowing your heart was in the right place but sometimes the child just won’t feel it for whatever reason.
Life is short please don’t let it ruin you!
Strange to me that the 27-30 years generatgrandof kids ( i have 2 sons that age) seem to be the most ones that have chosen to distant themselves and there kids and not letting there parents stripping them from enjoying there rights to grandparents and enjoy having to relive again there only chance to see enjoy having there own kids again little carbon copies through there grandbabies. Thats is so unfair and not okay to take that from any granparent.
Wow! I stumbled on this site looking for answers regarding my kids. But after reading all of these posts, I feel very blessed having the relationships that I do have with my kids. Some of these stories are heartbreaking.
Sometimes when I’m with my kids, (son 24, daughter 32) I feel like they’re embarrassed by me, like they want to stifle me. It’ll be over silly little things that I say, nothing huge. To me it’s funny, but they act as if they don’t know my sense of humor by now. I’m not loud, rude or obnoxious either. But I feel like I can’t be myself around them. It always makes me feel really bad about myself.
I related to some of these stories about daughters. My daughter says I’m her best friend, but if I don’t agree with her, all hell breaks lose. Also, most of the time she only wants me to listen and not give my opinion or advice. That’s very challenging and to me, disrespectful. I have wisdom and I’d like to share it, but am forbidden to.
My son and I have a really good relationship. He’s married and I stay out of his business, but we do hang out often. One thing that I’ve noted about him throughout his life; When he’s having women trouble, he takes it out on me. I always know when him and his wife are having a difficult time because he’s mean and snappy towards me. It’s strange, but I have figured out why. Our children know that we love them unconditionally. We are the only safe place (other than God), that they can come to, unpack all of their garbage, frustrations and hurt, and still know all the while that we will continue to love them and be there for them. So, on the occasions that this takes place, I listen, I’m patient, and I just wait until his hurt subsides, and love him through it. I don’t take it personal. In fact, I take it as a compliment…. I’m his safe place. 😊
Bernadette, my situation sounds the same as yours, word for word.
My daughter is 26 and it started 2 years ago, but distancing herself started around 14-15. I don’t know if she picked it up from her college days, friends, someone in the family (hers or her husbands), but most importantly, she is an adult and she is the reason for what it is. For some reason, she was keeping count of straws and some how I drew the last straw (I remember the day she said this is the last straw and I looked at her with confusion of the straw counting, lol) and the situation went downhill from there. My daughters words are also vicious and she twists everything to her advantage. She blames me for all her adulthood unhappiness. My daughter also finely gave birth and the 1st thought I had was, she will finely get to see what it is like. Instead (1.5 year old) she uses her child against me and distances herself just enough to not look bad.
She will invite in a rare occasion to an event that includes everyone, specially including the in-laws (like 1st b-day, church event). As uneasy as it is, we go. If I (at times) let her be, she will then get in contact with me and ask why I am so distant. Just when I think she wants to let me back into her and her child’s life, she lets me know it is on her terms and her terms only. I am learning this is usually when the in-laws and husband are doing there own thing. From what she tells me, her new in-laws are angels sent from Heaven and they can do no wrong. When I ask what went so wrong with us, she treats me like I should know. I say, I don’t and please just tell me. Her response every time is, if you don’t know, then I can’t help you. To this day, I still do not know and I stopped asking. Just when I think she is out of my life completely, she peeks back into mine, just to let me know she is here. My daughter at least lives almost a state away, so it does help some by not being so close. Counselling, distancing myself, even let the idea go that it will never be the same and the only thing that works is time and hearing that others are going through the same thing that I am going through. A support group, which is my family, who can not understand her either, but gives me great sympathy. They walk on eggshells around her, as they know what can happen and I don’t blame them. I am still really young and also have another older child (she distance herself from her sibling too), because of how close my other child is to me. My other child is getting older and tells me, dad don’t worry, I will give you grandchildren and you can watch them all you want. In fact you can raise them if you want too, lol! My other child is quite the opposite of her and I still as of today, can not understand what made her become this way. Her sibling has given up on her (at least to a point). They can contact each other when ever they want to, but they don’t and they won’t! My other child will also tell me at special times, I give you extra love for which your daughter will not give you, so we do not need her. My situation has nothing to do about money (at least it does not appear to be financially motivated), abuse of any kind (which includes drugs or alcohol) or not being there for her. Again, I do not know what created this situation, I just learned to live my life and continue to deny the fact that I have a daughter and grandchild out there, that wants nothing to do with me. I’ve learned for the most part is, to treat it like a death. You love that person, but they can no longer be here to love you back. It helps, then she peeks in and ruins my death experience, lol. Rinse and repeat.
God Bless any of you going through this and do not let “anyone” bring down your world deliberately even if it is your grown adult child.
My son is 28. Not married. Using his GI bill in college. Calls once in a while. When his father passed away he would tell me he loved me all the time. We live states away. I send him money, I pay for plane tickets for him to come home. But he has not said he loves me in 4 years or more. He really doesn’t respect me. Talks to me like I am stupid. And all I want is to be around my son and have a good relationship. He had a great childhood. He was 22 and in the military when we lost his dad. I have no idea. What to do.
Our daughter and sil had 1st child in Oct. after 6 yrs of marriage.(We’ve been very close) Before baby she told us no one could come to hospital because of germs. I joked even grandparents from out of state. We were disappointed and had planned to take off of work. We respected that and didn’t push the issue. We didn’t find out baby was born until 6 hours after birth and she went in night before & we didn’t know! His parents were there tho! And relatives for days. They came home for Christmas, stay at our house. I had meal for noon for everyone. (12 total) They didn’t know how long traveling with newborn would be. I said they could eat when they got here. They stopped 4 miles away to eat. Unloaded all their stuff, our other daughter asked if they wanted to play cards. I was kind of offended that they just got here. They played in dining room and I walked thru a couple times. Or was in living room with rest of family. Thought I’d give them time to play. For awhile she had her head down and was resting. About 3:00 I got up to go in there, she came my way. & blew up ” we’re leaving, we come all this way and you’re sitting in there.” I started crying. My adult son hugged me. I said ” you’re attacking me in my house? She went downstairs to pack. I was shocked and confused. My husband talked to her. We went for a walk and talked. But it wasn’t enough. I have lost respect for them and this new baby. Feeling like an outsider. She wouldn’t do this at the in laws. It’s eating me. I want to call & lay it all out. But she’ll be all prickly. (Have gone through this before with other daughter and her ex not talking to us. Dejavue.)Thought about a letter. But prefer personal. We gave her large $ for college, wedding, $ when unemployed. ALL the expeneses for baby shower & large and small gifts. I took a day off work to go to another shower there. I’m old fashioned- Send me a Thank you Note to show gratitude. Less phone calls bc I know she’s busier, but even texts are 1-2 words. Now when we go there’s no guest room $100 hotel each time. I think it’s going to resurface. Just don’t know if I want to have this conversation before then. Prayers needed to let go.
Oh. My. God. Did none of you think to ask your “ungreatful, arrogant, crappy, horrible etc etc ” children that YOU raised, maybe “whats wrong?” And then actually listened? They’ve probably been trying to tell you for YEARS. That’s why they aren’t having a relationship with you. They’ve given up and you are too block headed to assume any of the responsibility. You deserve what you get, reap what you sew theres plenty of sayings to this effect but Im sure none of them apply to you right? Ya I thought so.
Hi to everyone, I too am distant from my 37 year old daughter. It has been all most 8 years that she cut me from her life. I don’t think I’ll ever understand her decision to turn her back on her family. I do think she can’t be happily married. How can she do this too her children, she’s not thinking about how this will make them feel. They will grow up thinking grandma and grandpa doesn’t love them. So what I’ve done is made each child a memory box. In the box I have birthday cards I all so write them letters. Each year I add little things that will mean something to them when they are older. I’m going to give the boxes to them when they are in their twenties. She told me that I’m not a part of her life, she has deleted me from Facebook twice. I have not had a relationship with my grandchildren since they were 2 and 4 years old. I have decided to let her go. It was not easy but for my sanity I had to move on. The rejection is so painful that I had no other choice. My health is very bad so I have decided to live the rest of my life feeling fantastic. I am a very happy person and I all so forgive easily. I’m focusing on the good I do in my life. I no longer spend my time thinking about what could be. I live in the moment. I love life. So to all the other parents hurting be a little selfish take time for your self. It’s hard but move on. Time is flying by, make the best of your life. Don’t let your ungratefull adult kids control your happiness. God Bless and I wish you all the happiness you can handle.
Wow, how life has changed in 2019, I know my mother never experienced what I am dealing with. I never disrespected my mom ever ! Todays adult children do not respect themselves, they don’t respect their children and they don’t respect their mother or father. My daughter turned her back on her family 8 years ago. At times it felt like parental abuse, I’m done with the way I being treated, no more abuse ! The things she says to me and the choices she makes only effect me if I let it. I have tried everything to fix all the problems, nothing has worked. So I have moved on, I’m going to enjoy my life. If my daughter ever wants to see her family again that would be great and if she doesn’t there is nothing I can do about it. Life goes on with, or with out you. I choose to be happy and I well come all of you parent to join me in choosing happiness. Don’t let your adult children control your life. God Bless all of you and may you find peace
Reading through the comments it is obvious that many of the commenters are dealing with children who are suffering from mental illness. I have several family members who are bi-polar or have depression. Their behavior is very similiar to what is described by the commenters. There is no behavior that can be changed that will cause the child to respond differently. I encourage anyone with influence to talk to the children about going for professional help.
Hello I am glad to read the comments and also saddened by them also. I have three adult children two which are not speaking to me at this time. One is she is still in college and is on the side of getting the brunt end of the other two with me. I moved out of state to get married to the love of my life and at first it was all good my daughter would let my grand babies come see me they would all come we would go there. I would help out with money as much as i could i didnt make a few birthday parties right when she had them but tried to make it up before and after with gifts and time. now its not good now i am toxic to her that is the new word on the streets. LOL and my son is married and now thinks i miss treat my daughter because you tell the truth. No one told me it was this hard having adult kids. I just have no idea where to start to repair everything i read says for the parent to just keep apologizing what happened to respecting your parents and Family and wanting people to be happy. even when i appologise all she can say is that i have put her through so much. like what took care of you for all these years and now that i am happy with life i am supposed to be what? Please someone have some good advice on here as to how to repair or how to deal with the stress its killing me. I miss my grand babies some thing very bad
I too am losing my buddy. My daughter. It’s the most hurtful horrible feeling in the world and I cry daily! I don’t know what to do anymore so I guess I’ll just let her go, trying hard just pushes her farther away
Thank you to everyone who has posted on this site. Reading the comments is uplifting and also brings tears to my eyes as I can relate too many of you all. I’m an older mother of 2 with 2 grandchildren. My daughter who is the mother of my 2 grandchildren does not speak to me, but I do get occasional texts messages from her that I appreciate.. We have not spoken on the phone or seen each other for 2 1/2 years which means that that is how long it has been since I’ve seen my grandchildren. I know many of you all enjoy reading these post but remember that we all have gotten to this point walking different paths. And in actuality many of these children have legitimate reasons for not staying in contact with their parents. Also consider that we are living in a time where our adult children are making enough money and do not need financial support from their family. We are all so much busier than we were 30 years ago and have to prioritize our time. Our children are having to decide who gets the attention, their own children or their parents. For me what has helped is continuing to feel a connection to my kids and grandchildren.. I send them cards and gifts for all the special occasions and some occasions that are not so special because I just would like to make a connection. I don’t need to know if my grandchildren have ever gotten any of the cards or gifts. I don’t need to know if they liked them or not. I just need to know in my heart that I am doing everything I can to stay connected with them. It’s a shame that many of our children are missing out on the benefits of keeping up with their parents. I was in the same boat when I was a child. My mother and father were not speaking to either of their parents so I never got the joy of a grandparent. It was always so difficult as a child to listen to other children talk about the trips they took to see their grandparents or just talking with them on the telephone. I missed out on all that love, mentoring and fun that grandparents can bring into their grandchildren’s lives. I never got the joy of receiving gifts or cards for birthdays or Christmas from grandparents. That was an integral part of life that I was forced to miss out on. As an adult I contacted both sets of grandparents and played catch-up for several years before they all passed away. I’ve always liked the saying, ‘it takes a village to raise a child’. I know for a lot of you, reading posts about others difficulties somehow brings us some type of relief. Don’t let what others have said cloud the goals you have set for yourself, to keep your connections going with your children and grandchildren. I realize that my experience may be luckier than some reading this post. Eventually you may get a response from one or all of them so keep your hope going. The action of giving should not expect a thank-you of any sort. The action of giving instead should give you that feeling of connection with them, even though you are not seeing, touching or speaking with them. To some, this may seem like a fantasy world, but it gives me peace of mind and hope. I realized that for all us it is very difficult to get through each day not knowing how our children are doing. I know when I first realized that I didn’t know if I was ever going to speak to or see my children or grandchildren again I took to my bed. As time went by I had to set a goal for myself. Now 2 1/2 years later I am thankful that I get the texts. I will never lose hope as I pray to see them all one day again before my life is over.
My daughter and I have a better relationship and I can interact with her 2 children because they have their own phones now. My son and his wife have decided I can never see their 4 children because of an issue 3 yrs ago. It was stupid and when they told me I couldn’t see them I was angry and reacted. So they ignore any of my requests to meet with my son or see the children. My heart was broken and I was in counseling at the VA for awhile. My other son and I get along fine. The children don’t blame me for the divorce but were in high school and have their own memories of incidents. Their perceptions are all different and enough time has passed its no longer an issue and I made apologies for my faults long ago. But not sure if the youngest is sided with the father and therefore has no interest in continuing a relationship with me. Its just very sad because my only granddaughter was born on my birthday and I cannot even call her. They would probably throw away any gifts or cards so I just don’t bother. Maybe I will start sending the kids cards at least..if the parents choose to discard them without sharing them with the kids that’s on them. I raised my son to be a Christian. Perhaps he will find some forgiveness for whatever he his harboring against me.
I have a 35 year old son who lives with his alcoholic father in the master bedroom of a 55-year plus trailer court. He claims that God has told him it was okay for him to NOT work for a full ‘Sabbatical’ year. That was back in July 2018. Still not working. He spends his time at church teaching Sunday School, working the coffee station, and their electronic systems. This is all volunteer – no pay. He is a very handsome man, served two tours in Iraq while in the Army, graduated with Honors in Business from a local university. Then, he went downhill from there. According to his email, I have ‘injured’ him because I have not supported his choice to NOT go to work. As well, I explained to him that I felt it was best for him to get his own apartment (he barely speaks with his father). He is now not speaking to me… well, it’s been since this past June.
What am I supposed to do with that? Am I supposed to just sit there and say “Okay son, good job that you are NOT working!’ How can I say nothing without him thinking I am agreeing with this foolish notion. It’s not like he quit working to attend Seminary school or advance his education in another way. He lives rent free with his father, lives off the paltry savings he garnered working part time for 3 years!
I have a fairly good relationship with both my adult children(38,33), but my daughter has a poor relationship with her father. (I have not been with him since my daughter turned 2). She gets so upset when he blames me for their bad relationship, and the ex tries to communicate with me to “fix” their relationship.
In the past when he asked for advice, I would try to help him understand her anger and her feelings, and what NOT TO SAY. He would never take the advice, and I would hear from her about the same triggers. Since he still just wants to blame me and be the victim forever, I now don’t answer his phone calls and hate when he tries to make my daughter a “go-between” as he insists on our “need to communicate”.
He is not trying to “connect” because he really wants to listen to anything I have to say or because he in any way shape or form misses me. It is that he now has to pay the old back child support that my daughter needs desperately now needs so part of his “need to communicate” is to have me stop the very small automatic payment. Also because he thinks all I did was “bad mouth him” and that is why his daughter is so unable to be around him. The sad thing is, he did all the bad mouthing that my daughter didn’t believe, and she is very aware that I tried to make her feel good about seeing her dad as a child, telling her that he did really love her. I don’t answer his phone calls or letters as they are always the same, blaming me and demanding I “fix” his relationship with her.
Despite this, I do so wish they could get along and that her kids could have a grandpa in their lives. She ends up yelling at him to leave when he comes because instead of being there now for his grandkids he just wants to convince her that he was a great dad in the past and that I am to blame for her not appreciating him. That backfires on him big time(I have in the past told him that pisses her off more than anything, and to keep that opinion to himself not matter how much he has decided that is true.) .
My question is this…is there something I could or should do to help them with their relationship? The bottom line is I would love for her to have more support and understanding in her life with a dad she can get along with. I just don’t think that will have a lot to do with me. She already knows that is what I wish for them.
Ok I am very confused, I am from the Caribbean so cutting parents off never happens I am engaged to a wonderful man who has two adult children 26 and 21 and the 26 year old is crying because he is getting married I mean how selfish can she be and he lets her get away with it I am now prwgnant and he asked me to abort because his children wouldn’t understand, I told him the baby growing inside me is your child too then he said well my kids were planned this one is not and I don’t want my kids to look at me differently and it will seem as if their mom was right.
I cannot understand how he could ask me to do such a thing because he doesn’t want his ex to be right? I am very hurt and I don’t understand American culture at all.
I have good news! My son called me on Christmas and I have never cried such happy tears!!
It has been over 2 years since my heart was shattered by my son. No contact since 9-2017 at the birth of my first grandchild. I tried hard to follow my own advice and prayed hard to God to take the grief from me. I was given the peace that I asked for during that sad period. It took a solid 2 years for me to let it all go and wish them well. I prayed for them and for me to accept that maybe it’s for the good. We don’t always know what God has in store for us, or them. My advice is to stay faithful, be a good person and be willing to forgive.
I wish peace to all of you, stay strong in your faith and realize God is always working to help us find our way. We may not understand, and we need to put our faith in God.
Alice
Thank you all for sharing your heartbreak. At least I do not feel as alone in my grief. I believe there is truth in letting go and getting busy! I know this too. Hurting people end up hurting people. I have to stop this crazy cycle and project myself into my own personal future. While I wish my two adult daughters desired to be apart of my future but I realize that I chose to have them. I chose to love them and sacrifice for them when they were vulnerable and needed me. They never had a choice when they were children. I was their mother. period. Maybe they wish they had a different mother? Now that they are independent enough, they choose to lead a path distant from mine. It hurts. But okay. I get it. Their choice is made. Maybe their independence and desire to live disconnected means I did a good job as a mother instead of a bad one! Be Well.
I’m sick of being disrespected and told that I shouldn’t ask any questions about my sons future after college. I’m done being shamed and blamed for everything positive I have done.If he wants to sit in his room all day and play video games, that’s is his choice. My choice is the following also. Now I am following what another person said who was also a rejected parent. “If you didn’t like the loving, generous, supportive, balanced, positive, mother that I was, you’re not gonna like the mother I am now.“ I’m taking responsibility for my own life. I am not going to be enmeshed with my son anymore. Interestingly enough, he said I was acting like his friend, well, buddy boy you just lost a friend. See how your other friends who are very immature and have no life experience have to offer. I’m done. Planning to move away soon. He could visit when he likes or not however, I am no longer funding plane tickets anymore. Tough love. Now I put myself first, with loving boundaries. That’s the best way I could show him love.
Never will i have believed that my husband will ever leave that evil lady and come back home, he left the house to stay with another woman and left me and our 2 kids since 4 months now, i tried to find out what i have done wrong that will make him leave the house then i found out that he has a mistress who have taken all his love and attention. when i call he won`t take my call, when i text he will will read it and not reply back. i was becoming emotionally affected not knowing what to do that will bring him back to me. i have to tell it to my friend who told to seek help from a Love spell temple, he referred me through the address (24hrslovespell@gmail.com) i ordered a reuniting love spell from the spell caster and it worked just as i desire it. so my husband came back home without me having to call him. i am so excited all thanks to
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