A note to readers: For more information on this topic, please see my new book, Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them.
Many of the elders had one piece of advice about getting along with one’s adult children: Don’t interfere in their lives, and wait for
them to come to you for advice. But what when they do ask your opinion, what are some good ways to communicate?
Tom, 82, has warm and supportive relationships with his three middle-aged sons. He recognizes that sometimes one is called upon to give advice to adult children; indeed, they ask for it. A problem, of course, is that parents are naturally invested in their children, and it is difficult for them to step outside of their own needs to objectively evaluate the choices their child must make.
Tom’s advice: Take the “I” out of the conversation:
Yeah, the big advice is always be open minded. Forget the business of ‘I’ centered and put the focus on ‘you’ centered. The son that you’re talking to and who has issues that he wants to discuss and forget the ‘I’, or at least put the I in the background so that at least he understands that he’s getting the benefit of your wisdom. You, who can govern how much ‘I’ to project, can inject information or guidance when it’s appropriate, not to dominate the conversation but to augment what the son wants to say. I think it’s a delicate balance of diplomacy among family members. I’ve not always done well.
Grace, 75, found that her enjoyment of her children increased as they grew older and became adults; it was the “pay-off” for more difficult earlier years.
I think by the time my kids were a little bit older and they were able to accept their parents for who they were, as I was with my mother, then it was great. I have enjoyed my children as adults so much, so, so much, and it’s something no one ever said to me. They always would say when the kids were young, “Oh, these are the wonderful years, these are the best years.” They were lovely years, but there is something just as lovely or more lovely when they are adults and you could talk to them as another human being. To know your children as adults is great.
She shares her thoughts with her kids, but accepts that her advice may be turned aside.
Well, there again, I think – don’t be too critical. In fact, don’t be critical at all. Accept them, accept what they’re doing. But I for example just wrote my daughter giving her some financial advice, and said, “I’m giving this to you with love not with criticism,” because she just does such stupid things financially. So – and she will read it, and maybe she’ll do it and maybe she won’t, but I’m perfectly willing to accept it that way.
I live in the uk and 2 our if my 3 children all over 40 will not say sorry. They are so imature which had benn
:5 and 16 years of estrangement,
My heart breaks as I cannot see 2 if my grandkids now 15 and 9 but 4 times a year I send gifts b/ Days Xmas and holidays which are excepted with s door slammed in my face .
My youngest daughter nanlipullates the situation and I struggle as she us narsistic.
My oldest grandson 2( was like a son we holidayed and supported him and my daughter but now she doesn’t need us and my grandson is also no estranged .
I have tried for years to let them know how much I love them but they are stubborn and don’t want us in their lives. I am so I’ll with it all I dread the phone going as my youngest daughter won’t lusten to my pain it’s sll about her and she invites trouble so I don’t think they will ever come back .
Death would be less painful for me as if they weren’t here they couldn’t hurt me but how sad is that to say. I am so loving and don’t deserve what me and my husband their dad are going through how can I change the situation thanks for all your messages hope to get a reply and advice
It does make a point to take you out of it. I think when weeks pass, and I do not get a call from my son. I wonder why he can not spend 5 minutes talking. I constantly ask for pictures of my granddaughter, but it seldom happens. I thought if I stop calling once a week, he would call me, but time flies by and I have to initiate a call. Most time goes voice mail. I have asked if issues but says just busy. I would like for him to pick a day, and time, that is good for him. We see how that goes.
I have 4 adult kids 19 to 27. The 19 yrs. old attempted suicide two months ago. Now the two oldest kids say I should have known their sibling was depressed and intervened. The oldest kid can’t even talk to me without yelling, the second oldest says asshole remarks to me or nothing at all. We all know from educating ourselves about depression and suicide it’s no one’s fault and it can hit any family. However, the feelings override the logic. Plus I manage a Youth Suicide Prevention Program. I did know he was depressed, we talked, I always anticipated an attempt, and then he did.
I’m not relaxed in my own home when the two oldest are here, I leave every chance I have. Now with the pandemic I can’t go anywhere.
All the me first adult kids who are too busy to check in daily on a single aging parent… shame on them!. They are selfish and self-centered. I stopped texting emailing and calling my adult son to help me deal with the isolation of Covid and I simply gave up.I am old and I will be much happier when I’m 6 feet under and I’m sure he won’t miss me at all! Don’t ever have children!
So sad, so much pain, horrible to be ignored as if you are dead already.
The only advice I have gathered from the above is forget your self ( the I ) just concentrate on their needs.
My only tip is NEVER tell any one because they will readily tell you how wonderful their son and daughter are. Which helps your pain Zero.
I don’t know a way through. It s a killer cos we as Mothers love them that’s the trouble.
My son who I always idolised did nt even phone the Hospital to see if I had survived
Major Surgery twice. Still I continue knocking on a closed door.😂
My two adult children (40’s) also don’t have any interest to initiate a phone call or ever ask how I am doing or what’s new, etc. I am not meddling or critical and don’t hound them or lay guilt trips on them. I have been faithfully reaching out in short texts and occasional requests for a phone call for years, but I am getting weary of always being the one to reach out to connect. They really don’t seem to care and rarely initiate any actual conversation. My daughter does make time, however, to harshly criticize personal things about my life and my political (democratic) views, environmental concerns, etc. I have decided to cut back drastically on reaching out. I don’t expect that to make a difference to them, but I need to face the facts that my desire to connect with them is not shared in return.
i have felt guilty all my life until about 70 or so. i have admitted my mental health and wrongs to our daughter who is 44. she is super critical. we probably were, too. i am tired of it all. i give up. i know i am not a good or great person. we sent her to boarding school at 14; we paid for college; we helped with law school costs. helped her financially until 28. she met a guy and did not come to her grandmother’s funeral. told us off at my sister’s funeral. didn’t invite us to her wedding. i know i am not great, but am i that horrible. my mother and sister were bipolar so i know i am dysfunctional. but i am still tired of the chaos. she blocked me from email and text but that is probably good.
Morning, I’m over 50 just 2 years to 60. I have 7 adult children. My eldest daughter does not talk to me, my son and daughter are estranged don’t even care about me. Even if I died now they would not bother. I have had issues with my children, the youngest hardly cares I walk on egg shells around her just to have a relationship with her. I woke up this morning with thoughts on my head wondering? She brings her boyfriend around the house every single day without any consideration, when I tell her it’s not ok, it becomes a problem, I cannot tell her the truth . I thank God for my life each day, I believe I’m a good mother, I have tried as a mother. Now I pray to God to help me because that is where I’m safe.
Unfortunately a lot of the 40:50 yr age group behave in a very dispassionate way, leaving their kind supportive parents wandering around in a wilderness of despair. I have not spoken to my daughter for three years and 50% of me is devastated and the other 50% believes strongly in Karma. Something will address my emotional bankruptcy and I will not be responsible. Enjoy the sun and listen to the bees buzzing. My daughter is 40 and not having children
probobly probably one of the hardest things to face is when our children are distant emotionally. I think most parents hope for adult relationships as their children grow up. But I am finally realizing, that out attitude of entitlement of their attention, can bring great unhappiness to us. Are we entitled to a reasonable friendly relationship with our grown-up children? I think there is a fine line between expectations and reality. When I finally accepted that some of my adult children have their own lives and will not be involved in mine as I wanted, a great burden lifted from my heart and my mind. It has taken some years to accept that there will be some distances emotionally between us. So is this the answer to this situation? I believe we find our own lives. We find friends or Hobbies or life situations or people that can fill this void. Of course with the epidemic situation this makes it harder. But there are resources we can find. Almost everyone has a phone , many have internet, and there is almost always another person who needs human contact. And if all else fails, we can take this chance to grow spiritually emotionally, and become more complete people within ourselves. Someone once said life is not always Fair, but the truth is life is what we decide it’s going to be as far as our expectations. So, I hope each of us can find glimmers of happiness by accepting others decisions and finding other ways to feel loved…
happiwent are distant emotionally
Would a letter stating your feelings make a difference. Then never mention your feelings on the subject again and leave it in their court to do as they wish. I told my daughter to treat her inlaws how she wants to be treated by her future son or daughter-in-law. I believe in stating my feelings one time and never again, no matter the outcome.
Oh My,,,,,,,Popy, Don P. Bess, ALL OF YOU… I am so sorry you all, or might I say, WE ALL are experiencing this. Every case is different, but every case is heartbreaking. There are many different reasons and causes, but one thing is certain, every scenario guarantees so much pain and regret in the future that ultimately simply makes it all even more upsetting.
Boy Virginia, you sure hit the nail on the head when you said not to tell anybody because they’d just talk about how wonderful their own kids are to them.
I have always been in an unusual , rather awkward social situation wherever I have been. So this had given me the rare insight that no one really wants to have…..namely, how to live a life where no one really knows you, cares about you, and others pick up on this and try to exploit the situation. But in this unique dynamic, I came to learn this and will say: Please do not ever underestimate the value that comes from being a human to another human regardless of age, sex, ethnicity or abilities.
Society values what values society, and young people do not understand what that means because it doesn’t happen on the phone screen.
I would remind all of us that it is incumbent upon every human being to continue to grow, mature, and avail ourselves to others until the day we die. The person who has a need (whether they have a family or not ) who is able to be blessed by another person’s time, has not just received something, they have been an invaluable opportunity for a human being to be a helpful and useful human being to another.
Fight the tendency to enhance the tunnel vision that limit one’s perspective to consider only their own as interesting enough or worthy to focus on.
People matter…….not just OUR people. It is not who we are loved (or even hated) by that makes us who we are. Ad we so often forget how true this is and what it means. Soon, all effort to engage our minds and energy in life gets narrowed down to tv shows and the expectation to live vicariously through a steady and reassuring stream of interaction and visits with our grown children and their family.
And when it doesn’t work out that way? Well, I guess this is now.
What did we do when we were young and convinced that all was lost because there was no one home to play with?
What I seem to remember is the lack of concern my mother ever gave to such grumblings. Her message was my complaint was too far out of being deemed a real problem for her to even acknowledge hearing.
What would you be excited to visit yourself for or call yourself to hear you say? One thing is for sure, it is certainly more honest to let the silence say how they feel then to applaud the effort when the grin and bare the exchange about weather, this that and the usual.
Do we really matter to them? Is that why they tried? Or was it because they felt better about themselves for being so considerate? All of the above? None of the above? Who knows. WE CAN NOT READ MINDS, Dare I remind all of us that we HATE when they presume to know our thoughts, yet we are expert to assert that we know theirs without ever even having to admit it. It’s time to stop it. Sure it is encouraging to be remembered, but let’s not forget that no one intends to be distant, mean, offputting, or ……… hold it. I’m sorry. Sometimes that is just not true. It is rude of me to overlook the truth that sometimes, that is exactly what both adult children and sometimes their lonely parents intentionally try to do……act in such a way as to punish one another for something. Not all of us, all of the time.
Back to the point….. Just like we matter, even when our own do not frequently assure us of this fact, so do others around us that our not ours. We teach by example, just as we have always learned by example. We are of no value when we do not chose to see value in others, or or be of value as the people we simply are. So long as we sink into a world limited to our tunnel vision, we inherit the traits and become the sad, lonely, and bitter. We grow into the unpleasant company of a difficult, irrelevant, entitled, obligation. There is not the least bit of anything another would find inviting or potentially engaging in such a person.
Can you remember anytimes in your own life that you were happy to simply enjoy a strangers brief company for whatever reason just happened to put you there? I have. But also, I had a few very intimidating episodes when I was shunned as if I had contrary or unhealthy intentions for simply speaking out loud about something happening at that moment……”Wow! Did you see that bird? Swarm of bees? Drive by shooting? Pig flying? …..whatever.
Growing up is hard, and not for the faint of heart!. But we are simply not done yet, and whether our children demoralize our efforts to keep going and trying, or make it easier out of their loving attention and constant encouragement, I don’t think we are supposed to be allowed to say ‘this is it? this is all there is?. Come on. Please keep trying to be a person who is not the same one who is a lonely accomplished parent.
PS…… I want to emphasize the significant pain and devastation in each and every story. It is not my intention to speak as if it doesn’t matter. I am only saying what is essential to know to find ways to grasp reasons, insights, and new perspectives in the face of all that no one dared to believe they would be forced to face.
I am not claiming to have all the answers, but I will say this, I don’t think for one minute that ” is all a part of God’s plan”. God may allow things to happen, but God did not cause people to sin. And it is quite plain that we are to honor our father and mother so that we may live long upon the earth. Of course , we are not to provoke or children to anger as well.
That being said, I think the people that mentioned how their parents did not worry about making them happy all the time were on to something. It seems like the parents that demand respect get it. If not, a person can move on, but they don’t tolerate being disrespected and treated like a doormat. What’s really hard is when they grew up being treated like they were the center of everything and they expect to always be first and they get angry if they aren’t. Since they have not been held accountable, they have to find a person to blame. This may sound silly, but participation trophies, buying every kid at the birthday party a present when it’s not their birthday, overextended credit card spending to buy unnecessary things that the children “must have” among other things have contributed to the self centered attitudes of today’s millennial. So , technically we are atleast partly to blame.
I am not aiming at giving advise. Jeanie fury has some good advice about trying to be more objective, and trying to think about the things we cannot see that might be happening in our familiy’s lives. Everyone is entitled to vent. But there is no book of rules on how strong any of us can be in times of lonliness when we are older. If you don’t talk to someone it will eat you up inside. Getting older is more frightening when you get sick or have had many losses and different traumas at the same time. And add on finacial losses and it spirals. It is very difficult to leave the “I” out of your conversations with adult children who are self absorbed. In fact what I learned is if you use sentences starting with “you”, they can be accusatory and make things worse. And yes, most of us have experienced self absorbtion ourselves. Only to realize time passes to quickly when good things happen, and the sad times are long to forget. I have gotten more afraid to not speak up for fear of never being heard or losing the opportunity to. And especially now when morality and responsibility for action is in outer space, I find it almost impossible to ignore insensitivity of others, whether it is family or not. My family is very important, so I listen more than talk to most of them. And I call most of them alot more often than they call me, and leave messages even more often now than ever. I am running out of time. Time does not heal all wounds, but if you stop the bleeding, you will survive and maybe move towards healing. But sometimes someone has to give alot more than the other to make that happen. If you have something to say, say it now. Tomorrow could be too late.
i have not been the best parent to my children i have been absent from their lives for most of their lives.but miss them so much. i did have a small relationship with my son but i blew that when he tried to guilt trip me for not calling him on a regular and in anger i told him not to call me anymore, if he was going to guilt trip me now, he will not return any of my calls. i suffer this guilt on top of the fact that i was not there for so much of their lives. just wish i knew what to do. I just wish they would realize that being alone i have so many things to look after that i forget to stay in touch getting old without them sucks.