Many people who have come to this page are looking for answers to the problem of family estrangement. I’m 
excited to be able to offer an brand new resource. For my book, Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them, I interviewed hundreds of people in estrangements, including those who have successfully reconciled. The book is filled with compelling stories, concrete advice, and strategies and tips for healing family rifts. I hope you find it helpful!
In an earlier post, one of the Legacy Project elders shared her mixed feelings about having children. Loraine,89 , talked about accepting both the joy and the pain children can bring. She stated: “If you don’t have children now, when you have them you will have these moments. When you look at them and your heart – it’s like your heart takes all the pain and all the love for them that you have.”
We just received a comment on that post from one of our readers, who would like your advice:
What about when your children are disappointments? I would like to hear how parents handle situations when their most loved children are cause for a broken heart? Comments please!
We asked some experts for their advice, which you can find here.
Please note that the comments thread on this post is now closed.
We were very close to our beautiful daughter. Gave her everything and tried to be the best parents ever. We uprooted our lives (sold our house and bought another) to live close to her because that is what she wanted. She wanted to get married and raise her kids we us by her side. We were happy middle class but she started to seek out more. After that more she wanted more, more.
Fast forward and in the last year she has traded up on everything. Threw out her long term boyfriend like a piece of trash. Met and married an arrogant man within months of knowing him. Allowed this man to treat my husband with contempt. The ink isn’t even dry on the wedding license and now she is moving far away to pursue her path of wealth and status. I don’t even know her anymore. What happened to the nice girl I raised? We lost her, she’s gone. The girl that is left looks down at us.
Yesterday my husband cried for three hours while they were laughing and having a great time next door. This was right after her new husband berated my husband for voicing his concerns. The only thing I could tell my husband is I am sorry he was treated like this by our daughter and this man. But, although it isn’t much comfort, her new husband is next on the chopping block when she trades up again. She will throw him away just like she threw us and her pets away and one day soon he will be the one crying.
It has now been 2 months since my son-in-law moved to another state for his work leaving my daughter and four kids behind BECAUSE my daughter wanted a divorce. Who told us about this? Our son in law about 3 months prior to leaving and not once did our daughter come to us to talk about it. I met with her and it was all about how her husband had shortcomings and she tried so hard to make it work. Then we discovered that she has been having a relationship with a married man. We were quite upset from the dishonesty aspect. I believe that when you mess up, own up to it and take responsibility. Don’t shift the blame to others because you know it is wrong. I told her that the trust level had crashed and the truth was out in the open. She attacked us verbally and then her dad said a few things that surely hurt her. I have been to counseling for over 6 months. The counselor said that the things said were not out of the ordinary given the situation and concealed information. And that people (parents, kids, neighbors,..) say things that they often regret. I have told my daughter that my relationship with her is far more important than being right at any time. I told her I feel bad when she is hurt. Fast Forward- her still legal husband gone for two months and she spends her time trying to reel in this new guy and integrating her kids with his on the weekends when he has them. When we asked to see the kids last month, we were admonished for not giving more than a 24 hour notice. It was raining that morning and we thought it might give her a chance to do something if we took kids on outing. This week she sent a text in the late AM asking if I could watch kids at the crack of dawn while she ran. I didn’t see it until I read my emails about 3 hours later – she emailed to say she sent a text. Then I went to get phone it rang before I could call her. Told her I would check with her dad and get back to her within an hour or so. Is that ok? yes. Then without calling, I get an email that says NEVER MIND. Called today to see if I could work out another time to see kids… excuses, excuses, excuses. So glad counseling is next week. My only daughter who I never dreamed would do this- I would have bet it all this would not have happened. At first my heart felt like it would explode but now I realize that she is using the kids to punish us. We realize that we don’t have to approve of her decisions. We are her mother and father- so we are no longer parenting her. Those grandkids love us and ask to see us (they tell us when they see us that Mom says GM/GP are busy and that’s why we don’t see them). She is lying to them as well. We realize she is trying to manipulate us. She believes, somehow, that we should embrace this new “man” situation with great fervor. Drops hints about his family and the like- they are all wonderful. We feel trapped! Pray for us!
I have had to disconnect my only child from my life. It’s so painful to accept the fact that she doesn’t love or respect me. She is abusive towards me. It hurts but my way of freedom from abuse is removing her from my life. Painful but necessary. Love, peace and blessings to those in my situation.
I have 2 kids that are 28 and 29 , I have been divorced from there father for 15 years now and I guess have been blamed for that by them since the divorce. I remarried after 8 years and my kids love my new husbsnd but still apparently hate me smh. My son went off to the Army right out of high school , got married has two kids and only talks to me when it’s convenient for him or he needs something. I hardly ever get to see my grandchildren because they refuse to drive here but can go see his wife’s parents all the time (same distance) my son and I alwaus got along until he got married and now all he does is ignore me. My daughter is just a whole different story, she has for some reason hated me her whole life , I was the best mom I could be, didn’t do drugs, didn’t go out parting, I stated home and raised my kids and always told them I love them and hugs the whole thing like a mom should but for some reason that just wasn’t even good enough. She blames me for everything! We have let her and her daughter live with us more times then I can count because she needed help but every time I ask her to help around here there is an argument. She ignores me , can never say thanks for anything, doesn’t think she should have to pay to live here, treats me like crap every day and finds any excuse to hare me. When I ask her what her problem with me is all I get is, really mom!!! Get over yourself! I hurt every day and if it wasn’t for my grand kids I would have gave up years ago. It makes me angry that I let them do this just so I can see my grandkids. Please help if anyone can. I’m at a loss here! Hurting and angry!!!!
These posts are all so heart breaking. I have a 36 year old daughter and a 32 year old son. My husband and I raised them in a loving, stable home. It wasn’t perfect, but we gave them a nice life.
My daughter never calls us unless she needs something. She’s very selfish, and gets very defensive if I ever call her out on that. My son is even worse, he is an alcoholic who lies to me constantly and involves me in him and his wife’s marital problems. I got him into rehab, took him to his counseling sessions, let him stay with us for awhile after an alcohol induced seizure. How did he repay me? By lying, stealing from me, damaging some of my property and being verbally abusive.
I keep praying to God to help my family, but I am seriously thinking of moving out of state just to get away from this insanity. Gold help everyone here.
I am a mother of a grown daughter. I have babysat my grandchildren from the time they were two weeks old when my daughter and her husband were at work and oftentimes keep them overnight during the week and on the weekends. They are now four and five. The kids used to bring them to me but this year they went into school so I drove the hour and a half to them every morning. I get them to sports and help out in their classrooms. They drop the kids off and pick them up at my house in the summer. They usually run in and out but they say, because of that, they see us all the time. I can’t imagine them ever calling and asking us to do something with them like go to dinner or my daughter asking me to lunch. If I ask them several times they might, after a few months, come for a barbecue. We have vacationed together. I’m glad to watch the kids while they go out and spend time together during those vacations and they have often asked if their friends could join us on vacation and I have loved having them with us and am glad to watch their kids too. We used to pay for most of the vacations. Now they have jobs where they can pay for their own. Now they don’t want to go with us. I know it’s hard on the grandkids because they are with me more waking hours than them. This summer they are going away with friends and I immediately offered to babysit. Every time they go to dinner with friends I offer to keep the kids. Through vacations and helping at school I have gotten to know their friends and some of the other kids parents. Today I was told my daughter was angry about this and that she was mad because some of her friends message me from time to time. It is usually to borrow something or for me to take photographs of their kids because I’m a photographer. Today was just one example of how things have been lately. I was supposed to have the kids tonight and I was taking them to a local farm with a friend of mine, her daughter and granddaughter tomorrow. My son in law told me they were picking them up instead and going to a local park for a concert tonight. He was upset about trying to get to our house and back in time for the concert however. I tried not to get mad about the last minute change of plans and asked if I could come and get them after the concert. He said no. I called my daughter a little later because my husband and I had been thinking about going to one of the concerts in the park so I offered to bring the kids to them so they wouldn’t have to drive the 45 minutes to our house and my husband and I would go to the concert. She said no she was going with friends and it would be weird to have her mother at the concert. She went on to say she got to have friends of her own and that she was going to do things with her friends without me. Okay, no argument there. They always have. I’m glad they have friends. I don’t think FB helps anything. Though I have never asked any of her friends to be my friends they have friended me…mostly for the pictures of the kids I’m sure. We don’t go out to dinner or drinks. We don’t chit chat. They are just FB friends but that seems to make her angry too. I’m not sure what is happening with this current pushing away and anger at me. For the 4th of July or parties at our house my daughter and SIL’s friends always show up with their parents. They are more than welcome to bring them. We have always been a blended group of all ages but each of us has had separate friends of our own as well. We live on a lake with 145 homes so it’s not uncommon to have friends from 25-80. I love my granddaughters with all my heart. I love my daughter with all my heart. I don’t know what’s happening but this anger is hurting me terribly. With their new upper end location and upwardly mobile friends are they embarrassed of us?
I don’t even know where to start, my story is so long. I love my daughter more than life and she is her father’s darling. She and her brother were perfect children I know a lot of people say that but mine really were. They were never in trouble of any sort and were well behaved great in school and really have grown into wonderful people. But my daughter. …she is an absolute failure at relationships. She was in love with a man for 4 years who ultimately broke her heart and the rest of her life has been one giant rebound with her dad and me smack in the middle.
She married a man and moved from Colorado, where we have lived all of our lives and love it, too Alaska. Our son was already in Washington state so we were convinced to buy a house so we could all be “closer”. Her marriage lasted exactly 1 year and no amount of reason could convince her to move back to Colorado, we hadn’t yet moved to the house in Washington, because she wanted a change so she moved to Washington as well. My husband and I stayed in Colorado and rented out the house in Washington thinking we would soon sell it since we were sure eventually our daughter would settle down and come back to Colorado because she loved it there too. One year later she was pregnant by an abusive jerk and once again no amount of reason would convince her to leave the situation. And, in fact, she married him. After 2 years she said she wanted to leave him but was afraid, so we sold what was our dream house in Colorado and moved to Washington so she could feel safe leaving him. A year later she was pregnant and they were all living with us, include the jerk. Since then, every year for the past 6 years she has said she was leaving him. Oh they did buy their own house 2 miles away but every year had been a merry go round. Now she has finally moved out on him and she and the kids are all living with us in a small 3 bedroom house. She wants us to all buy house together including my mother who is getting too old to be on her own.
I just cannot commit to that. Living with her is so stressful and I am in a sense just a maid and cook and babysitter she does no housework except her room she cooks occasionally for her children but is oblivious of the fact that two other adults live in the house. She got a puppy right before she left her husband, knowing that she was leaving him so now there are 3 adults 2 little boys 2 dogs and 2 cats living in 1800 square feet. If she doesn’t leave soon I will.
For all these old women on here with adult children who “cut them off for no reason” boo f-ing hoo. You know you are spinning the story your way and playing the victim now that you are old and actually want the love of your children and probably need their support while you abused and neglected them their whole lives. Get real with yourself. The good news is it’s not too late. You idiots. All you have to do is admit you are wrong and f-ed up and sincerely apologize and them go on to treat your children with respect. If you can’t do that then go to see someone about your narcissistic personality disorder and maybe you can get somewhere in a few years with treatment. All you bitches make me sick because you KNOW what you did and sitting here playing the victim is what is keeping you alone. You are still being selfish and abusive.
What about the daughter who is 15 and spends time with you, who tells you she loves you, who is openly affectionate and constantly praises your parenting and tells you how everyone loves her mother? But, then you repeatedly hear that she tells everyone else how much she hates you, how terrible you are, how your husband, her stepdad, who has been nothing but adoring and supportive of her, is a monster, and that she has such a bad life. She and her brother, my 16 year old son, two years ago decided they wanted to live with my ex husband. We fought in court but due to their ages, the judge takes their desires into much consideration. Even though I was devastated, my whole life revolved around being a mom, I did my best. I continued parenting as much as always and have stayed as involved as possible from the distance. My son has all but written me out of his life and I continue to try. I thought my daughter and I had a great and strong relationship. It was the light at the end of that dark tunnel that got me through this. Only to learn that she cares not one bit about me, she has no respect for me, and wants the world, besides me, to know it. What do you do with the two faced person that is your own child? How much heartache do you withstand and how do you address it with the fear of losing her completely looming over your head? Do I just let my son go and his sister to follow? The only thing that they have to be upset or critical of is I divorced their father. I know that really hurt them and they can’t understand the adult issues that led to it, but I did my best. I didn’t criticize him. I spoke positively of him, let him have more visitation and time than was ordered. They were and will always be my top priorities. I’ve been a great mother; not perfect, but great. I acknowledge screw ups and seek their forgiveness and advice on how to do better. I’m at a total loss and heartbroken.
I am a 51 yr. old mother with 2 daughters ages 27 and 23. Their father and I had a bad marriage and divorced in 2002. I instantly became the mother and the father, sometimes working 2 jobs to make ends meet. When I had financial problems I had to turn to my parents for help or my parents would volunteer to help. When my mother helped me, she always made me feel guilty and would bring up everything she had done for me if I didn’t do things her way. My parents have money, nice vehicles and a nice home and I haven’t been financially successful. So in the last 10 years my daughters moved out and moved in with grandparents (my parents) and did NOT say one word to me. They just packed up and moved out without an explanation. Since I had kids my mother has controlled my descision making and if I didn’t do something the way she would have then she would not speak to me and tell me my way made no sense. My mother is a control freak and kinda like drama I think. I made some bad descisions in my life and she will not let it stay in the past. It’s like she loves me and hates me and believes I’m a bad person. Anyway since my daughters moved in with my parents I never see my girls anymore. They never contact me. I’ve asked them to come by to visit and I only see them if I contact them. It’s killing me and I would have thought MY mother would at least say “girls you should really go visit your mom” or something. Due to some major health problems I’m stuck at home with no car and I spend practically every waking second in this house alone. My girls have friends that live close to me and they still don’t contact me. It’s not like I live far from them , it’s only 30 minutes. It really hurts and it hurts even more that my mom has never stuck up for me to the girls. It’s like I don’t exist BUT if they need me to do income taxes for them or the girls financial aid for college then they expect me to do it right then. And my own mother doesn’t see my side of this issue. My daughters have no respect for me and they don’t because my mother has put me down in front of them and they’ve witnessed the arguments. All I know is I want the mother/daughter relationship with my girls that I didn’t have with my mother. I don’t what to do anymore but pray and it’s been going on for years.
I have 3 adult children. They come and go. I was close to my children. I did all I could to provide them a happy home and childhood I did not have, I am a disabled veteran. They have made me apologize to them for the pain they went through when I had to seek psychiatric dare because of their lying cheating father when my world was falling apart. I have had to apologize to them for the pain of a broken home when he walked outvthe door for their Spanish teacher and publicly humiliated me. Yet it was moms fault,, so I have apologized for putting them through so much pain and suffering and when the VA asks me if my familiy is supportive I must say no. Now I deal with their spouses. One cancels every plan I arrange to have time with grandchildren. I planned a trip to the sandcastle competition in a 2 bedroom timeshare on the coast. 8 months later…3 days before the trip my son says she cannot take the day off her waitressing job so I cancel.., the following month they take their kids to the coast for her birthday.., I think she missed the part about the trip being about the kids seeing the sandcastle competiton. One son is gay, his partner of 2 yrs got pissed because I washed an enormous amount of dishes in my sons apt once and he couldn’t find the colander.,, so he is holding a grudge..he is rude to me, selfish and narcissist and expects everyone to wait on him..he is 30 yrs old..he gets angry, drinks excessively, broke my sons glasses and phone..he never refers to me as Ms. M or calls me by name..everything is about him…they came for a visit decided I was rude to him twice..my son expected me to apologize for rudeness when it was his lack of humor causing the problem.,, his friend slammed doors, they both broke wine glasses..his friend called me a c.,, and b,,..,,, then my son told me he was never speaking to me again and threw my keys across the street as he left…my son has never treated me that way and I am certain it is the relationship he is in. It is his choice and perhaps he will disown me after 31 yrs…but I refuse to be disrepected in that way. If they never apologize I will miss him.
what is going wrong with the world!! As a child my mum and dad worked all thesaurus good could send, I was a latch key kid, so my childhood spent mostly alone apart from holidays with my gran who lived by the sea. I didn’t have a lot, can’t even remember having clothes bought, didn’t ask for anything. Did the weekly shopping cleaning the house every day after school for a tiny pocket money which I would then buy flowers for mum to try and cheer her up. Well like most people here I said that if I had children I would give them a better life. Luckily my husband earned a good age so I could stay at home and look after my precious bundles. Three boys and with a gap a girl. We never gave them everything, just Christmas and birthday, always with a party, always gave them the same amount. Pocket money to save for school holidays, sweetie money for after school. Taught them they had to work to get what they wanted in life. As the years rolled on husbands job got bigger and bigger and we were moved to Scotland, now lets say that the Scots dont like the English very much so the older children were bullied. We moved house after 3 years to get away from this abuse, went to the school to try and stop it, but it happened again at the next school, so we battled on, joined a fitness club in a hotel, so three times a week and weekends we could all be together, swim, play pool, squash, eat, and generally meet other people, which they all learned and people used to say what an amazing family we had, yes we did. BUT then it all started going wrong, First son married at 19, had four children, struggled because of the school thing took years to get himself settled with his family, we helped with food, clothes, shoes etc, until the time they could support themselves, second son, decided to work in bars, became a drunk and took drugs, we encouraged him to go to college and study his artistic talent was and is huge, he got engaged three times, he tried to commit suicide after one girl left him, we helped him get into Uni but then found another girl and married, she left him, married again, his anger would make her run to us for help. They have now 2 children, and he has been diagnosed with Narcissistic Borderline Personality Disorder. He won’t speak to us, never wants to see us again, blame, me, blames, ny husband, blames my mother his gran, blames anyone apart from himself, after three psychologists, he is still in that place where he is more angry than not. We re here but he doesn’t want to know, we get the odd abusive text, but thats it. Our daughter has a court order out on him for 5 years because of the abuse she was getting. So then we come to son number three, who met a girl with OCD. A long story,of our support, helping them move into flats, decorating, helping with anything we could. Now after running a business and asking for our help which we said must be paid back and even drew up a contract, he hasn’t paid any of the $200,000 back, this is our life savings!!
In the end having watched him buy a new $18000 motorbike and holidays and her buying clothes and anything under the sun, we even asked her parents to help and pay half the debt, they didn’t even reply to our request, I know its our fault but thought as their daughter had helped them get into this mess they might even reply. So in the end we said forget it we know we will never get it back, but we have to take this into account in our wills, so why happens she cuts us off, won’t speak nothing for 2 years now, our son just about manages to write rarely. We asked is we could speak to our grandson on his birthday not he phone, no response.
Then we come to daughter, who we supported. She loved horses, so we let her go horse riding, spending all her spare time as a kid up at the stables. We didn’t buy her a horse until she was 12 and made sure he looked after the pony, which she did, she was devote to her. We had a good mother daughter relationship, then she met and married an Irish Aussie!!!! He doesn’t talk to his father because he remarried after his wife death, he doesn’t speak to his 5 siblings, so what hope do we have. So at one point he buys 2 houses and is in despair as he has signed the contracts and doesn’t know what to do. so we offer our loan account another contract, and make sure it has to be paid back asap. 8 years later they are paying it back in dribs and drabs and still owe us $40000. We have moved back to the UK, after missing home so much to get away from the terrible stress of the previous years. We have left them all over there in Oz. We were welcomed back with open arms by our eldest son and his wife who flew down to London from the very North of Scotland to welcomes home, I was overwhelmed I cried, this is all we needed people that care. Since we have been home we have seen them at Christmas a couple of times in between at Easter and will be there again for Christmas.
This is the only thing I hang onto now, that yes we did good, we taught how to behave, we taught how to love, how not to give in to the tiny child and that child had to learn, but I have no control over a mental problem, I have no control of the people 2 of the children have married and changed those beautiful children to people that dont want to know us anymore.It seems they have everything from us now, they have no idea how hard it was to return home, with half the money we had invested, we had to find a house to buy that needed renovation so we could have a house bigger than one we couldnt swing a cat in, they have no idea day to day how that lack of money has affected us, like the car that has broken down and needs over 3k or work on it, how we buy new tyres, how we cope if anything goes really wrong in the house, they dont know and dont care. It breaks my heart, but we try to carry on and be the kind caring people I believe we are and always have been. We volunteer, talk to people that need a kind word, that is what keeps us going.
So believe me we arnt all parents that gave away in childhood everything because I hadn’t had it, we asked them and talked to them to help them understand that nothing comes for free, be kind, be responsible people, be caring people. Maybe their friends see it, we certainly dont and probably never will. If theres a god out there I wished he could put it all right, PLEASE!!
Anne
I thought I was the only one who is going through this in my life. I have 2 daughters. They are now married and have their own children. My first marriage for 21 years ended. Family and children, supposed to keep your marriage together not break apart. Instead, I could not hold on to the best of my breath. My oldest daughter wanted to grow up so fast that nothing mattered and left the distractions along her path.In the end everyone paid the price. Lie, steal, cops, etc. An absent husband (due to military) and thought he can step in and strip me with authority, preferred to give what they want to avoid hating him.
She is now 30 yrs old and I have come full circle to forgave her. I have picked up my life over and started a new life with a new husband. Promise myself not to allow her to get too close to my personal life to avoid a repeat. I continue to help her anyway I can. I made a point to hire her husband as an employee and paid more than others. Spends time at my house but never seemed to offer to pay for anything as if she is expecting it is my responsibility. This weekend she called me a Douche Bag in front of her husband. I have a full time job , she does not work. My schedule is tight, no time to go out, and that did not go well. I’m so sad that I have curled back into my little protective self. Felt like I made one step forward and 2 steps backward. She will never look at me as a mother but instead a resource. You really cant choose a family.
To all those mothers posting about how terrible their children are for cutting them off… they sound just like my mom. So much pity party and not accepting of their mistakes, all this whining about the children you raised. I have a feeling ypu have been complaining about your children and cutting people out of your lives for your entire existence . Teaching your own children how to eventually cut you out. It’s sad, to waste your life parenting a child to act in such a way and not understanding you did it. As a daughter of a mother with BPD who has cut me out of her life multiple times. Who is killing me daily because my hatred for her is soo strong. My goal is to not allow my own daughers see me cut her off, or see her cut me off. That’s not normal behavior and people learn it by having it done to them. To the mothers whining on here, perhaps look at yourself. How unbareable are you to be around and can you change? If you cant change accept it how it is so your children can find peace even if the only way is an adult life without their mom.
Let’s all say a collective prayer that our children’s hearts will open, and know what we’ve done for them. May all of your hearts be comforted for there is no greater pain than to know the love of a child that looked up at us after birth with that sacred smile, and now have turned away. It hurts like hell, the only thing I can do is to become a child again, look up at my Father, and humbly say a prayer and ask for help…
I don’t have comments, but I do have a situation, I have 4 children and I been raising them most of their lives on my own, I was raised with lots of violence. I end up having children and I was heading the same direction but I realized that the was not the right way, I seek for counseling, I try my best but my best has not been enough for any of my children. My oldest son join the military and his reason according to him was my fault due to my way of raising him, my third daughter hates me because her daddy end up in prison due to his behavior a rapist and she blamed me for her not having her daddy. My other two adult children they are respectful. This past Saturday I had a little party and the party turn into violence My 24 year old daughter and I arguing then my youngest gets involved and I ended up hitting her then my daughter in law comes and starts fighting with the 24 year old then my son starts hitting my 24 year old as well to the point that I pulled his hair so he can stop hitting his sister and that is when he starts beating me and saying that he hates me and don’t care for me. I am so hurt that I don’t know what to do anymore.
I feel like a lot of parents with broken hearts have to realize that some of their feelings of anger or sadness stem from the fact that their child is just another person. In a parent’s eyes, their child is their child and nothing more. They give birth to a baby and don’t think about when they grow up – how they will be in their teens, what they will be like as adults; and when they finally are able to understand their child’s personality, they get defensive and upset when it wasn’t what they wanted. It’s true that parents do mold a child when they are young but a lot of what a person in comes through self-development, and parents should learn to accept that they have no control over that.
Also, consider the fact that maybe you are being unreasonable. If a child cuts you out of their life there is probably a good reason, whether the fact was that you were a bad parent (in their eyes, which is the most important perspective) or the fact that their significant other doesn’t like you, any reason is valid. If they barely talk to you or call you or whatever, it’s because they have their own lives to lead. Think back to your own parents, when you began to live your own life and get married, you probably drifted apart from them as well. It is not your child’s duty or obligation to keep in touch with you. You chose to raise them and now you should let them make their own choices.
Life is not just about your children, life is about yourself. Learn to accept you circumstances and move on peacefully.
I have 35 & 33 yo sons. The elder has been estranging us for the past 10 yrs, has us in his life for awhile then cuts us off again. I gave him furniture, money whatever I could thinking he would want us around. He has been belittling his father, brother & I for as long as I can remember. Finally my younger son told us there had been bad relations between them as children, too ugly & perverse to go into. After much counseling I have decided it is over. I cannot fix this & don’t want to try anymore. He has used & abused all of us. I will always love him & wish him well. Unfortunately he is the one who has to own up to what he has done & I know it will never happen. He continues to hurt me by having visits with my sisters, brothers & my Dad. I know they are his family too but he has painted a picture to them of my husband & I being bad parents and his brother being some crazy mental case. He has also been lying for years about ordinary things. We have had enough. I have a granddaughter from him whom I did not get to know very well. He has told her we are bad people…sometimes there is no way back.
I came looking for an answer to why our adult sons and grandchildren either take us for granted or we are not a priority on their lists.
It came to a head today when after paying for a grandson to come spent three weeks with us and paying his way while he was here he left without us standing at the airport as he headed to the to go through the scanning system – he didn’t even say good bye or thank you. We were streaming and very upset by the time we got home only to find he had left us a thank you card in the room he was sleeping in. Yes it took the blunt off of the airport scene but that was soon erased by not getting a phone call when he arrived at the other end safe and sound…
Just writing about this helps as does knowing we are not alone and it could be much worse…. Life will go on but we will not be contacting any of them begging to see them on SKYPE, to find out how they are or to let them know how we are… Maybe we will plan to go away for an extend period of time and not tell them anything about it… to see how long it is before we hear anything…from any one of them…
Thank you Caroline for some useful, thought provoking comments and reminders. Too often this site is only a place in which we who have a difficult relationship becomes just a place to vent. Although I wholeheartedly agrees that venting is useful and necessary it is hardly an opportunity for person growth or enlightenment. It’s just venting. I really appreciate when someone shares something that actually helps me think about my own path and changes I can make to help improve a situation. Caroline you did this without finger wagging or blaming or other disgruntled grown children diatribes. Simply information to share with others that might be useful. Well done!
If you treat your children with contempt, malice and cruelty because they had the audacity to be different from what would have served your selfish purposes best, know that even if they stay in your life, it’s no compliment to you at all.
This is simply a sign of the times there are exceptions to all situations. Sometimes it is clearly, parents haven’t passed on a faith in God or shared and lived in away that would glorify God. Really no problem is so big ,it is just that people are so small in their hearts. The he said ,she said, drama ,the unforgiven person it’s all because their is no reverence for God. Also mental illness’s fall into the issues. Prayer Prayer Prayer and the last person that has a right to say anything is the person that this has not happened to yet. I say yet because if you are dishing it out you will get it back. God bless you all.
Today’s the day that i would never want to look back. its the most painful thing i felt from my only child. Being a single mom raising a daughter was never been easy but i held on with hopes that we will get through with the help of my parents and hoping one day will have a happy family. with all that I have, i have tried to give everything i can to make my daughter always happy. I do have a strong spiritual faith that things will be brighter for us. Now that i am married (not my daughter’s father) and now that my daughter is a young adult(19 yrs old) with a boyfriend, things have changed. Her personality has changed who’d rather be with his boyfriend than be with us. who would find time for his boyfriend but not for our family affairs. Everytime i would ask her to get a time off to be with us for an outing she would say she cant but always habe plans to be with her boyfriend and would sometimes even get out of her way to make it. I have some interractions with her telling her how she has changed and of course she is denying it and saying sorry..I have been controlling my emotions but deep down inside im always hurting. Today me and my husband were both sick (my husband with gout attack and could hardly stand up, crawling in pain, and I with bursitis limping due to the pain i feel, I decided not to go to work to go to the Doctor. Knowing that my daughter is working at 3:pm I asked her to drive us to the doctor at around 10:30 am. She replied saying its going to take time for her to wait as we dont have an appointment. I told her that she has a lot of time and its not going to affect her work. She said its ok if she will just drop us off and pick us up again, To my dismay i replied thats not practical as the clinic is far from where we live and wouldnt even know how long it will take us to get our spot. I stopped and just left her as i didnt want things to get rough between us since im not feeling well. When i was at the clinic i texted her saying Im so dissapointed and humiliated by her behaviour and hurt to see how ungrateful she is to me when i needed her. I told her i felt ashamed to myself and my husband for seeing her bahve that way. I told her that i will never forget what she did for as long as I live. I told her that from now on she shouldnt be expecting anything from us. This is the 2nd time she did this to me. Im so hurt that I want to cut my ties with her… My only child disrespecting her only parent she has from the day she was born. I pray to God that she will still give me strength to overcome this and open my daughters heart and eyes to realize how she is acting. I feel so ashamed to have raised a very selfish child even to her mother.
I brought my daughter up pretty much alone. My husband and I divorced when she was 14 and he took off to another state and gave no financial support. We were living on the west coast. I had no close family, they were in another country. I did my very best for her. Gave her everything she wanted. I had no social life of my own, just going to work, trying to build a career to earn more money, and taking care of my daughter. My daughter behaved badly and I was always paying or finding ways to get her out of jams. She was in with a bad crowd, but nothing I could do seemed to work. Finally, she straightened up, but was hostile toward me. After college, she told me she was going to the east coast for a one week vacation, but she never came back. About a year later, I was very lonely, so I also moved to the east to be closer to her and have a shorter journey to my family in Europe. She ended up marrying a man I really dislike because he has been so disrespectful to me, which she obviously allows. She told me over the phone she was getting married. I was not invited to the wedding. Recently, she had a child. When she was pregnant, I was not invited to the shower, but I gave them $1000 for the child. That’s a lot of money to me. (I’m still working past retirement age.) No thanks from the disrespectful husband, but I got an impersonal thank you card from her. When the child was born, I took 2 days vacation from work to be there for her. (I had told my daughter that I would take this time off.) My vacation time was wasted waiting around for a call to come to the hospital. It never came. She didn’t let me come to the hospital until the evening of the second day after his relatives and everyone else had visited. I feel so hurt. I love my daughter, but I just keep getting hurt over and over by her. Should I stop trying to be in her life and just walk away?
Caroline, your comments are not kind and very simplistic. In our current world our kids are raised by social values which encourage-
1. if you don’t like you can just leave.
2. it is all about me, me, me, myself and I which is hard enough to build a relationship with, let alone when a undeveloped teen is encouraged in that thought.
3. I can do what I want.
Yes we can do with more social values in this world, which can come from a traditional religious believe. Some 70 years ago, even those who did not go to church had morals and values like the church, now there is a lacking in morals and values, even if you instil them in a child, society (by way of schools and laws) undermine them.
You know to each their own-
Every situation is different.
Every child is different and every parent/parenting style is different.
Sometimes it’s let go.
Sometimes it’s try harder.
Ultimately after being exasperated with all different attempts,
When sorry isn’t good enough-
Whether it was your mistake or theirs-
It takes two to tango.
I find that if one of you isn’t willing to make the relationship work then it just simply won’t.
Sometimes being a parent , whether you think or you truly do all the right things say all the right things and try all things,
It’s either TOO MUCH or NOT ENOUGH.
This is where I’m lost.
This is where I just surrender and pray.
Have hope that if they don’t come back or don’t want the relationship or whatnot,
That they will be okay.
That you will be okay.
Sometimes surrendering to be okay is all we have hope for as parents.
And I’m more than happy with that.
My grown 50 year old daughter has no interest in me. I am 74. For many years, at family or friend get togethers, she completely ignores me. Although we only live 1 mile apart, she never visits. If I call her and need her for something, she comes but otherwise ignores me. I don’t know how to react and I am very hurt.
I read both sides on this site and the one thing i do read a lot of is criticism from those who are not in the parental position .. as yet. And who are basically telling the parents to either take a look at themselves or get on with life and let the kids do the same. The beauty of age and experience is hindsight and how history is known to repeat itself….over and over. One day these little get on with life ‘know it alls’ will be in the parental position and i hope their grief is as profound as some of the poor souls looking for comfort yet they have the gaul to criticise and who have never walked a mile in their shoes. Typical nasty opinionated and self righteous arrogance.
I goggled this topic to see if I was alone in this endeavor. I see there are many stories of heartbreak and heartache regarding children. I am the mother of four adult kids. In February 2013, I was laid off from my job. During my seven years there my children always needed help, even if it was no more than resume preparation. Even though they had their own significant others and children, they were always calling. It seems after losing my job and not becoming employed for a year. They turned their backs on me. At one point I had to move in with a son. He met a young lady and had a whirlwind affair. She was attempting to get pregnant a month later. My son gradually moved her in and her gradual desire for expedite exit become more apparent. I used to love forward to weekends to see my grandchildren. It seems I am the last priority in their lives. At moments it becomes very depressing.
It is truly sad to see how people have become to each other. I have spent the last four and a half years raising my grand daughter. I lost EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING. I had to go live with my mother to survive. I could go into how much suffering went on but will spare all of you that. I prayed so hard for my daughter to come around to be the mother she should be. She did which I should be happy but I am wounded. It is not as I thought it would be. My mom sides and plans with my grand daughter and I am left out in the dark. They treat me like I am no one and an outsider. I tell them this and they say, that’s not true. Oh but it is true. It’s just sad. No consideration of all that was lost and emotional attatchment. It’s not that easy. Just venting. Thanks people.
To all those mothers posting about how terrible their children are for cutting them out of there life..Would you be friends with a person that physical and mental abused you. No of course not.. So then why is it ok for parents to complain that there son or daugther cut them out for there life when they were treble to them growing up. Just maybe you child removed you from there life because you were not able to accept that you weren’t parent of the year.
My own mother was nothing short of a monster there was physical and mental abuse. I can remember my mother holding my brothers head under water to get him to stop crying. Spiking his bottle with liquor so that he stop crying
this is a person you be friends with? My Mother Dr shopped tell the dr we fell or were out side playing and hurt ourself?
I have made my peace years ago with her understand that she was brought up the same way and didn’t know any better her father was a monster to her.. so you learn from example… this is why i do not have kids of my own need to break this sick cycle of abuse..
So look in the mirror and start accepting responsible for the outcome for your relationship with you kid…..
As the child of estranged parents i see thinks some what different
I grew up in a very dysfunctional family setting. Now as a adult i have learned to forgive them for there wrong doings. After may years of therapy, I find it very hard to have any kind of relationship with them at all, mostly because they never acknowledge that this is a problem..But most of all i worry about the affect they will have on my own kids. Any ideas on how to deal with this?
Love them anyway, forgive them, and PRAY for them..
I have had my heart broken several times by my own children whom are all adults now. i have been cussed at, called names, used, owed lots of money after they borrowed, cut off from them, hit, etc.. but my love for them is unconditional…
we never understand this generation of kids growing up, and we tend to blame ourselves for every thing they do wrong. but know you will always be MOM.
and when they grow, all that you have taught them will pay off….
love them for who they are not what they can do.
even when they disappoint us, we are called to love them and forgive them..
ask GOD to help you.. hHe really is always waiting to hear from you, He wants to help really!!
Were families really any more loving or moral or kind than they were generations ago, or did they just stay together for practical/survival reasons? I tend to think the latter. In many cases, not all, love probably had little to do with it.
The parents quickest to say “Whatever happened, it’s all in the past now” are usually the most abusive ones who’ve done the most harm. But instead of owning up to it, they want the status quo back so they can continue being disgusting to their kids without ever having to answer for it.
Parents who are angry that their children won’t tolerate their abuse any more like to pull the “back in my day” card when they realize their manipulations are no longer effective. Right after becoming furious with you for daring to stand up for yourself
James, thank you for what you said. I am the daughter of a very abusive mother. i knew from the time I was a teenager I would never have children as I would never risk creating another life for her to manipulate, warp and destroy. Those who gleefully wait for adult children who cut contact with their parents to experience estrangement from their own children may be waiting quite a while.
I also have two children whom I don’t feel that I have a great relationship with. I have been divorced from their father for about eight years. What I have come to learn is this. Whenever I have expectations of them or want them to behave a certain way or say certain things, I am greatly disappointed. This is very hard I know. Not to have expectations of your child? Yes that is right. I have very wise female friends, have received counseling and once I accepted this fact my life became much better. I can’t force them to do anything. If they don’t want to communicate with me then that’s their choice. I always tell them I love them. I raised them.They know right from wrong but they are on their own journey. I know they love me and that’s enough for me. When I stopped trying to control how they behaved I became so much happier. If your children want to act like spoiled brats and unrespectful let them.They are in God’s hands. I steer clear of people who don’t want me around or whom treat me badly. It’s self preservation my friends! I hope this helps someone…God Bless!
Tonight I too have decided to surrender all, my struggle, my pain, it’s too much. Today is my son’s birthday, he is 38. I messaged him early morning to wish him, then tried calling him later in the day. He doesn’t answer, doesn’t call back, doesn’t respond. We went on holiday recently to the same city he lives in. For ten days, we never got to see him, he kept saying he’s very busy. I was heartbroken. I have always support ed him, always done the best my could for him, he doesn’t want a relationship with me for whatever his reasons. I have to let go, it’s too stressful, too much pain, It makes me very
depressed , my health is suffering. I hope I can do this. I love my son so much. I can only pray.
Thank you Theresa. It is so hard not to feel hurt, angry and resentful when your adult kids are acting selfish and hurtful. I have copied your post to a Word doc. so that I can read it and remind myself that when things are tough, rise above it and forgive them… it seemed so much easier to do when they were young and naïve.
After 59 years of trying to get my mother to love me, approve of me, be proud of me I am done. I just got a college degree and I thought, “ok, this is it! Now she’ll be proud of me”. No. all the time I’ve wasted on a fruitless endeavor, looking for something she will never give me. All the cruelties and thoughtless hurts. All my striving for something I will never, ever get. I am divorcing my mother for my own sanity. I am sure she will tell her friends and her favorite sister what a faithless, selfish daughter I am as many of these posts by parents say. I am relieved knowing all this time it is my mother with the problem. She doesn’t love me and it’s not my fault. I am her star child. I am the only one not alcoholic. My husband is the only spouse that is a recovering addict, 30 years strong. I am her only child with a degree. She is envious of what I have and what I have done that she never had the strength of character or will to do. Think people! The myth that a mother always has to love her child is just that, a myth. Of course, there are times the child is the selfish, thoughtless one, but remember my story. I tried long past the point I should have known she didn’t love me. Goodbye mom. I would say I hope you miss me but that’s not true. I am sure you will be secretly as relieved as I am.
If you are a parent, you have had great joy and great sorrow. I have helped raise 2 stepchildren-boy and girl, one son from my 1st marriage (father deceased) then 1 son and 1 daughter from my 2nd marriage I was a 24/7 mom -loved my kids -all of them- my step children were co-parented 50% by father/and me. We get along great not good – great with their mom. The children all have the same last name as my husband adopted by son from my 1st marriage. We believe 4 of our children love us – the youngest tells people we were ‘Bad’ parents .I waited for her to grow up. From age 14 onward she took every waking moment and breath I had to get her to and through high school. She never took any responsibility for her actions or lack thereof. I kept my rose-colored glasses on and made her life at university ‘suit her’ – lovely apartment in security bldg. with lots of amenities/sportscar/insurance/gasoline/tuition/food & clothing – Free…barely made it to classes /goofed off for 3 years – asked her to come home-she did but ‘hated’ being back home – I never raised my voice or gave her any grief no matter her choices as she said she would commit suicide if her life was too difficult – yes I paid for psychiatric help for 18 months – by age 22 she had met a man (wonderful guy)on the internet and married him with little time spent actually together prior to the wedding day (chaperoned a dozen hours maybe) – now the problem – I just found out he thinks we do not like him so does not bring her or send her the long distance home – we have never said a negative word about him! We both gave her tons of love and all the emotional support we had in us. I would guess that we spent $140,000 on her from age 15 to 21. I felt absolutely ‘knifed’ when she typed into public media that we were ‘bad’ parents.
A lot of kids today feel they are entitled. They treat their friends much better than their own parents and thats not right. The time to teach them respect has long past and giving them everything and not making them work for what they have has made the children grow up as “its all about me adults”. You created a monster and now you wonder why they are like that????????
I dont really understand if I should still bring my son to this church ,It seems mostly kids hate him to be around ,It really breaks my heart sometimes Hearing unkind words and gesture against him he is just 4 yrs old.I dont see fair treatments .Maybe because they dont dislike us thats why the kid recieved the same treatment .Which is not fair.Does It church supposed to be the best place to mingle or it is really the worst place to go.
There is no way to understand the pain..no way to fix it. Apologies for things you have never done. Being excluded, isolation, trying to understand. I raised on my own 2 successful, adult men with healthy relationships with their wives who are also successful in their lives. I raised them, alone. Yet, I am nothing to them. I was in my twenties when they were born. I divorced their father because he cheated on me so many times. Yet they rarely saw him, he paid little child support and is accepted in their lives. I am treated like a leper. I lost my home they were not there.
Zero help. The home they were raised in.
I am not a drug addict not have I ever been in jail, a prostitute or abused them. I put them in sports was team mom, went to games, field trips, and always encouraged them. Yet when I needed and am having a difficult time they abandon me. I feel betrayed and ashamed. And being the mom
I wonder. What did I do that was so wrong?
My daughter left four weeks ago today, i woke up went down stairs she was gone . Her stuff was gone all her cosplay stuff and she took our dog no note. I died inside that day and the only words i have had my email only are nasty cold and full of lies and cruelty. I have not heard from here since and have not heard her voice in four weeks . I wished she had done me in , instead of this broken heart that I now have.I still nightly dream about her and our puppy, but she hates me and I honestly have growned to dislike whom she has now become.I cope day by day with whom i was before I was a mum. I have to almost forget her to survive. Her hatred kills me, people are told stories and she has become dark in her heart . So my heart at this moment dont want to see her, her actions show that being an adult by age doesnt make her an adult by action.I pray to god that one day she will see that breaking her mum,s heart cant be undone . Everyone says for not to reach out to her, let her come to me when she sees it really hurts . To all who are out there , my heart goes out to you all. I am struggling and it happens alot.
My fiance feels like he will never have 100 percent of my heart and soul because I have a young child by my ex husband which is not in the picture but my fiance still feels some type of way because my some is still no matter what apart of his dad, I understand his feelings but don’t know how too tell him that he does have all of me whether I have a child or not! Please explain to me how this works with me having a child from my previous marriage???
None of that really matters… I just need a way to cope with the feelings that overcome me… I am crying so much sometimes… What did I do, Don’t give in to manipulation. Love them but don’t be afraid of setting healthy boundaries.Thank you all for sharing, it really helped me realize I am not alone. Both my grown kids having been putting me through hell.
As a now adult child at 28 I think there has to be some unforgiveness maybe in the child’s heart that doesn’t visit their parents, or the parents have not apologized or owned up for some horrible flops in their parenting along the way! Divorce, unfair treatment. My pastor always says what the parents do in moderation the kids will do in excess. SO if the parents always cut people out of their life and didn’t forgive people you showed your kids that and its buiting you in the butt now that they are adults and are doing it to you! Parents are some of the most important people in our lives (more than my friends) I honor my parents and now that i am an adult and will soon have my own family i understand the sacrifices from both of them! Their not these “people” that I’ve known from birth but they GAVE ME LIFE! And loves me and my siblings like crazy! I have forgiven them for the things that happened in my child hood that was damaging (neglect, divorce re-marriage etc) And i wont hold their mistakes to them, they are only human. I could NEVER ignore them and go about my life with them on the back burner! NO WAY!!!
pray for your children seek the Lord while he may be found!! seek and ye shall find..knock and the door will be opened..God loves them more than we do! entrust them to His care,,, you let God do His work and work on yourself.. i know im going thru loneliness and im asking myself a lot of questions i will not give up cuz my blessing will come if i put my trust in Him. i know the anguish and pain where it feels like my heart has a bif hole in it.. Sometime its hard to give up the control because we are “Mom” I’m gonna work on “Me” and “Breathe”” Breathe” and remember who love me and my children!
having been married to an alcoholic for 12 years, it broke my heart when my daughter got mad at me for moving away from her father when she was 12 and “taking her father from her.” She has read no books on being an Adult Child of An Alcoholic and accused my current husband of emotionally abusing her because he did not initiate the same close loving relationship he has with our daughter. I agree with Sharon that the more THINGS we give to our kids the more entitled they feel. I accept that my daughter can be mad at me for not having the greatest of childhoods. what breaks my heart is that she forgives her father because he has an actual disease – alcoholism- while she tells me that i acted out of spite and vindictiveness when i pulled myself out of her father’s alcoholic grip, went to Al-Anon for 7 years and have been working with a counselor for over 12 months. She does not let me visit with her and sent me only nasty texts until i blocked her from doing that yet she still loves her daddy who now has hepatitis C and cirrhosis! i wish i had given her more responsibility in her younger years instead of more THINGS as a way of showing her my love!
My husband and I tried to help our youngest adult son, age 25, who has a very successful career, to realize that his younger 21 year old girlfriend is evil. She has amazingly had the power, when she was only 20 years old, to divide our family, and our son is seemingly on-board with her. She will not see us or talk to us for almost a year now. We went out of our way to welcome her into our family and she squandered that generosity. Our son seems to think he can keep his birth family and his possessive girlfriend as separate entities. I am going through the grieving process over this and I am living in a never ending nightmare. They are going on their two year dating anniversary. How does a young woman cause such heartache to a formerly close family? Of course we also blame our son for allowing her to do this. We did go to therapy with our son but the therapist turned out to be ineffective and a huge waste of money. Our son knows better. Where is the respect for parents? Our son lived a happy childhood, surrounded by unconditional love. He has an intact family and full of love for him.