Many people who have come to this page are looking for answers to the problem of family estrangement. I’m 
excited to be able to offer an brand new resource. For my book, Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them, I interviewed hundreds of people in estrangements, including those who have successfully reconciled. The book is filled with compelling stories, concrete advice, and strategies and tips for healing family rifts. I hope you find it helpful!
In an earlier post, one of the Legacy Project elders shared her mixed feelings about having children. Loraine,89 , talked about accepting both the joy and the pain children can bring. She stated: “If you don’t have children now, when you have them you will have these moments. When you look at them and your heart – it’s like your heart takes all the pain and all the love for them that you have.”
We just received a comment on that post from one of our readers, who would like your advice:
What about when your children are disappointments? I would like to hear how parents handle situations when their most loved children are cause for a broken heart? Comments please!
We asked some experts for their advice, which you can find here.
Please note that the comments thread on this post is now closed.
I understand each one of these situations on this blog. My boyfriend is dealing with similar. We have been together for 2 years now and last year his daughters were great with him and nice to me and my family. We went on a vacation together and my boyfriend decided to play a practical joke on his kids. He decided to pretend we got married, well needless to say they did not find it funny at all. He has apologized emincely to no avail. Now they won’t come to holiday functions and they barely speak to him. He has to call or text them frequently to get a response and he is hurting so bad. His grandchildren barely know him, they won’t bring them by ever. He has to jump when they say too, but he has a son who is totally different he is always around and so are his children. He thought the joke was awesome and even told his sister’s of he told you it was a joke in advance it wouldn’t have been as funny. Now with the holidays approaching it is worse then ever. Does anyone have any advice for us?
hey..kids grow up and have to find a way to distance themselves from us so they can prove to themselves that they can survive without us ….they just do if in different ways that’s all…don’t stress…their own kids will do the same…and that too will hurt like hell….such are the matters and way of life…..it is not personal…it is never personal !
Never feel offended….the more you put in the more the distancing of you will hurt…so don’t put in so much anymore……let the little buggers learn what is to come……..just like we had to. ALL chicken’s come home to roost as we well know….sit back, watch,listen and learn…..let them go, let them learn from mistakes just like we did…it is their life and their families “not yours ok” as in “not yours”…the further you stay back…the closer they will want you….and for some of you…like me…..that may take some time…….and that will be appropriate too..and if they never come back..well you launched them 100% successful…..congradulations for a job well done. You can die in peace that you launced them so well. They know how to live without you……wasn’t that the whole idea in the first place ?
my daughter is 23 years old. Me and her father have been divorced recently. I discovered SMS messages where her father gossip about me and bad mouth/defamed me with her. He, a builder, diagnosed me mentally ill and conveyed this to her by SMS. all differences between us, was discussed with her, she knew more about my marriage than me. He bad mouth me so, she sees me as the bitch in the story, she knows her father swearing at me and her little brother, spent money recklessley, but turn a blind i for that. Her wedding is this afternoon and i am not there. I am heartbroken. What can i do to feel better. I cant control the situation, but i can control how i react on this, but dont know what to do to feel better.
We have two grown children. My son (28) married a girl dated only a few months. We have accepted and welcomed her into our tiny family. We were a career military family (husband was active duty). I was a stay at home mom so our kids would have that stability and comfort knowing there was always someone there when they needed it. My D-I-L has a very large extended family and can’t quite get just how tight we have always been. Our son is in the military and she hates it, so he is getting out when his enlistment is up. They live an hour away and I am only allowed to see him when she doesn’t have plans with her family. Last year we delayed Christmas by 2 days to accommodate my kid’s schedules. I didn’t like it, but we did it. I was told this was our year to host ON Christmas day. Now I am told no. Delay again because she wants to go to her family’s 3rd party of the season. Or thy could come, but only for 2 hours. I was told this 2 days ago and have not stopped crying because I went all out with the menu, decorating and other prep. I have been looking forward to this for months. They showed up for Thanksgiving and confirmed that we had all Christmas. But now I am told that it shouldn’t matter because we are just a few and she has a huge extended family. I have NOBODY else but my kids and husband of almost 30 years. My daughter said we should just go to the party (not invited to). They are in their 20’s and drinking and partying is all they want to do. We don’t drink a lot, have huge parties, or get rowdy. We try to make it as fun as possible. I don’t see my son more than 2 or 3 times a year. I don’t see him on my Birthday, mother’s day or just for the heck of it unless we go to them. I have some health issues and my husband works so much, some times it is impossible to drive to them. They drive by our house on the way to some of her family and don’t say anything because she doesn’t want to spend any more time here than she has to. I know his wife should come before us, but her family takes priority always! They are even moving to a new state when her parents move so she doesn’t have to miss her family. To her we are nothing because we are so small. She doesn’t get that my kids are my heart. I wanted to make her part of that too, but I was given the Heisman. I knitted her a scarf in the colors she said she liked, and it went in the back of the closet. Nothing I do is right. So now I lose my son and my daughter is following. I am crying as I type this because I have no more fight left in me. My husband has tried to intervene, but was told they are doing what they want to do and I have to accept it. I just want to take it all down, and curl up in bed for the rest of the holiday season. I used to love Christmas. Now…. not so much. It brings on nothing but pain. I am still mourning the loss of a beloved parent and now let’s add on my son choosing 3 parties over his own family. They are saying I am only crying because I want them to feel sorry for me and come out of pity. It’s not the case. I never broke a promise to them, but they do it all the time. We are the last priority. I haven’t told anyone (including my husband) that I think I am sick. The doctor’s found something on an MRI (they weren’t looking for anything in that area) and it might be bad. I have to wait until after the holiday’s for answers. But if it is “C”, then I have a huge fight ahead. Either way, I won’t tell my kids until I know for sure. I don’t want the pity party. I want our kids to be here because they want to be here. I know it sounds like I am ranting, but everything is so fresh. I pray constantly for the strength to get through my day as I am in constant pain. I try not to let my pain get to me or take it out on anyone. My husband asks me all the time how I can laugh and joke around in that much pain. It’s how I deal with it. Why make everyone else miserable? I just don’t know what to do now. My son won’t talk to me now, because his wife told him this is how it’s going to be and if I don’t like it, too bad. I am more than heartbroken. I am disillusioned.
Terri, I am SO sorry for all the hurt you are enduring. But I read your post twice so that I could be sure I understood everything you wrote before I responded…
Terri, I notice in your post, you don’t talk a lot about your own daughter. I refrain from mentioning it, but maybe you can explain a little more in depth why you don’t try to find happiness in your own daughter? I would handle this quite differently but then I finally made my mind up quite awhile ago that I was NOT going to let my daughter rule my life. Based ONLY on what I know of your situation, I would start to build my life more around my OWN daughter. You know the old saying…’A son is a son till he takes on a wife, a daughters a daughter
the rest of your life’. If we consider how hard it is to change OURSELVES, only then will we realize how impossible it is to change OTHERS. Your life WILL go on without your son being a major part in it. I hate to see you or ANY one give more of themselves than they receive. From what I read, you have a good husband and daughter and it should be more than enough. Do not let this situation of your sons steal your joy! If he is still in his 20’s, he’s still got a lot of growing up to do. I hate to say it but even though he is officially a man, some do mature more slowly. And if he doesn’t? That’s alright, too. Try to build your life around your husband and daughter and let the chips fall where they may. That’s what I did and my situation is SO much improved. I suspect there is so much more to your story as I am curious as to why you did not share your medical test with your husband and daughter and why you STILL place more importance on your relationship with your son than your own prognosis. I do hope everything turns out well with the results from that test, Terri. But THAT should be the most important thing in your mind right now. Get on with your life and more than likely your son and DIL will come around if anything for a babysitter when that time comes. And if not, that’s fine too, isn’t it? I would assume your husband and you are planning on retiring sooner now than later and at that point you should be clinging to each other just as your son is with his new wife. I know it’s easier said than done but you MUST try to find a way to let it go and ‘live and let live’. You are more than welcome to call on me ANY time and I can tell you more about my situation and how I have FINALLY come to peace with things and how they have actually gotten better BECAUSE of it. I hate to see you in pain but the only one that can really help is YOU. Please call on me if you need to. Good luck, Terri. Tracy 🙂
I have no sympathy for those who have a husband and more than one child. I am totally, absolutely alone, with no husband and my only child estranged. Just found out through a mutual acquaintance she is having her 2nd baby. I was not told about the wedding nor given a reason for the estrangement. Everyone assumes I must have been one terrible mother but our family therapist in her teens said that if it wasn’t for me, my daughter would not have known how to love at all because of the alienation and constant put downs from her father. I was a single mom and did the best I could. There were no drugs and alcohol, but her father brought constant custody battles to control me, the therapist said.
I know your pain of Children breaking your heart, Terri. I have a fair temper, so when I am insulted or accused, I come back. We have two children, 47 and 44, daughter and son. They never can find time to come by, but our daughter saves about a hour once or twice a month to meet us for breakfast. Some reason, we have not been getting along, she blames me for all of it…then our son has totally ignored us, because he sides with his sister …..I am the bad person. I have a son-in-law, which could really care less about us, and a daughter-in-law who has always been against me….I think she is crazy but thats just me. So today I find out that the 4 of them have been talking, and have come to the conclusion that I am sick, with Alzheimers. My sister died of Alzheimers almost two years ago. So they just decided thats what I have, because I am so hateful to them. No, I do come back tho, when they tend to knock me down, with names. So now, right here at Christmas, it will be my husband and myself…..and our little dog, who loves us both, no matter.
Not saying I might not be a candidate for Alzheimers, but so far other than forgetting some words I want to say, or forgetting small stuff, I don’t think I am sick. However, they have washed their hands of both of us. So I know
they are all relieved and happy. How can kids turn on their parents?
They are or were our life….we need to find friends close, or just move away.
We are home bodies, retired, so not alot of income, we don’t party.
Just curious if anyone else is going thru this like Terri, above, and I are.
Where is the page for parents who break their children’s hearts? Some of us have mothers and fathers who frankly don’t care if we live or die for the simple crime of not being exactly what they wanted us to be. Sometimes it’s the parents who want nothing to do with the children.
You poor git
. That makes me so sad. Clearly there isn’t anything you can do or say right now. It’s just how it is. It’ll change when/if they need something. You’ve become the “other” family and effectively you’ve lost him. I know from experience. Similar situation. Every Christmas, birthday, Mother’s Day – card in the mail. Sometimes I cant bring myself to open the envelope. Crumbs …
Just crumbs send leftovers, and still I’d give my life for them.
I can relate to what you are going through Terri. I have 5 sons and 1 daughter. I worked 2 full time jobs as my Husband worked aircraft and was always getting laid off. The pregnancies ruined my health and my body which I gladly accepted because of the love I have and had for my Children. Well, my daughter and I do not get along at all. My sons have girlfriends and wives who do not include me in anything. Birthdays, Anniversaries, BBQs etc…….They include their family and also my ex husband. I have 12 Grand Children that I never see even though most live within a few blocks from me. The only time I see my Grand children is when I see pictures on Facebook (most often with the other Grand parents) My ex husband was angry when I left the marriage due to his alcoholism and he told me that he would make sure and ruin any relationship that I would ever have with our children (that may be a contributing factor) I am tired of crying at home when there are grandchildren’s birthday parties I don’t get invited to (my ex and the Girlfriends family is invited) I am to the point where I need to displace myself from their lives and disappear. This way, I can get on with my life and stop hurting. My situation prevents me from moving away at this time. My well wishing friends try to help by telling me to disinherit them. lol. I hope your Daughter in law comes to her senses and realizes just how precious you are as his Mother. Good luck to you.
As mothers we literally give our souls to our children and they will not realize any of this pain unfortunately until their children are grown. I know I didn’t visit my mom sometimes when I visited home – I believed all my sisters lies about her and for some dumb reason I felt that I shouldn’t see her. All the while my sister was visiting everyone she told me to avoid. My mom passed away a few years after my father and today I listen to friend taking about their parents and I always want to say “let it go” because one day they will be gone. I have two grown sons and after watching my mom go through the same fate as you, one brother didn’t talk to her for 30 years and he would send the Christmas gifts back.. The funny thing is his daughter grew up and immediately visited and loved all of us including my mom. Gifts do come. I say to adult children that they should think about the positive traits of their parents because they have to remember he (your father) was just a boy and she (your mom) was just a girl. Luckily I was able to mend things with my mom and their isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t miss them. Lastly, in-laws who do that (usually females) will get that with their children. My husbands mom didn’t like me but I made him call her on Mother’s Day and visit her without me – I grew up and went to the mall. I didn’t want my husband to not see his mom. Eventually I gave birth to her only grandchild and he forced me to go into her home with the baby. She threw her arms around me and hugged me. She knew I could have been like your DIL. pray pray and pray some moe.
I feel for all of you. It is awful for children to reject their parents and for parents to reject their children. I am in a situation I never thought I would find myself in. My son married a woman who has some serious issues. I have been seeing a counselor to help me deal with the estrangement from my son. The counselor, based on things I have told her, believes my daughter-in-law has borderline personality disorder. Not a professional diagnosis, as she has not actually met her. But she certainly meets all of the criteria for Borderline Personality. My son and I were always close, but he has allowed her to destroy our relationship. So far I am being allowed to see my grandsons, whom I absolutely adore. But not sure how long before that goes away too. And that will kill me. But I have to learn what I can control and what I can’t Which is hard for me, because I am one of those people that wants to fix things and fix them now. Life is too short to be in pain all of the time.
I just wanted to say how truly sorry I am to all of you for your deep pain and sorrow. Yes, my adult children are estranged from myself also. It has not been an easy road and would never wish this on anyone. My ex was a womanizer who warned me he would turn our children against me and he did.
However, I am a believer in God and His mercy. Reguardless of my circumstances, He is with me and walking by my side comforting me and helping me every step of the way.
Praying for each of your broken hearts.
It seems to be an epidemic. Reading all of your stories makes me sad. What is wrong with these children and parents who reject family for no apparent reason? I can’t imagine ever having treated my parents or my in-laws the way my son and daughter-in-law are treating me and my daughter. Thank God for my daughter, son-in-law and two grandsons. I try to focus on them and we spend a lot of time together. So guess I am lucky it is only my son and not both of my children, like some of you are experiencing. I have been praying a lot and speaking to my father and father-in-law, both deceased. They are two people my son respected, so I keep asking them to go to him somehow and fix this! Sounds kinda crazy, but I’m desperate to get my son back.
My son did not invite me to his wedding. If anyone would have told me this would have happened I would never have believed them. The pain is equivalent to the passing of my father just a little different flavor. I have three daughters and only one son. I made my daughters wedding dress and was a huge part of her wedding. I would have really appreciated to at least being invited to my only son’s wedding. Watching it on facebook just wasn’t quite right.
I think it is going to take me years to heal this wound. I just can’t figure out what I have done as a mother to deserve such abuse.
I have a young adult son who is an only child. He has a group of very close friends and socialises and adapt well. We have a very good relationship and he is very open with us. He shares with us his happy and sad stories and confides with us about his interests, girlfriends etc.
He has chosen to move out and flat with his friends while he is at uni and we are happy for him to want to be independent but what is making us feel hurt is that in when he has to move out of his flat, he is reluctant to move back even temporarily with us until he finds another place or until university resumes for the year (about a month) and suggests that he will probably prefer to be crashing in various friends’ couch !
We are confused with this behaviour even though he knows that he has no restrictions at home and he can come an go as he pleases.
Thank you for your sensitivity to this rampant issue.
I am so glad I am not alone in this . I have a 24 yr.old son , that has refused to come see me except for mothers day and my birthday and then living with a girl got pregnant and they had my first grandchild . I spent money and was at their house everyday trying to help . But not once have they brought the child to my home , the home that was good enough to raise him and his twin sisters and all their friends. I was a single mom and I gave my life for my kids . No other family for them to be around . MY son lives 2 minutes away and he doesnt call or anything . My girls and I were almost evicted last year and he wouldnt help , but he gave people money all over the place. I stopped going over to their house . I found out his dad and step mom came up to see baby and they let them take the baby for a whole night and off on a trip. Mind you Im a nurse , and had daycare all my life , a Sunday school teacher , a girls scout leader and supporter of everything they wanted to do . I was hurt and so I stopped going to their house and the clothes I bought the baby were never used .. they never brought her over .. Christmas just passed by and the dad and step mom rented a place for the holidays and they went to them for Christmas and had family pictures done . I havent seen them . I have not seen my granddaughter since Sept 27, 2015 now 4 months. I now hate my son with every fiber of my being . I didnt raise him to be a man who wont marry his girlfriend or give his child a name . He was a bastard and he hated it , but now he is repeating the process. I predicted that before the baby got here I would never see it , and sure enough if I hadnt of went there to their home I wouldnt . They have never said why they dont come over I just get a look .. I have pets and they have pets , my girls 18 yr old twins are in college and we are close . One daughter doesnt want much to do with them and the other daughter has a relationship with them . I dont ask them to pick sides . I juust let them see and judge for themselves . I hate this boy.. and that bothers me because the pain has went from that to hate and forgetting they exist . I have deleted all pictures of him and the grandbaby and had trouble remembering her name the other day. I have no trouble discarding something from my life that hurts me and causes me pain . I see life and family as a two way street . If I go through the time to call you , visit , love you I expect something anything back . But if they dont then they dont love me and why waste my love on someone that doesnt care . So now my girls whom I love and ralley behind love me . We dont talk about my son and they know I have cut all ties with him . Its sad … but hey what can you do . I can never pick up he relationship again . the hate is so strong to the point I never want to see them . Good riddance of a failed parenting episode .
I’m so sorry for your broken heart. It is no doubt painful….and at times, I’m certain a pain that is difficult to rise above. I too have a similar situation and hurt. I get through many days just fine, others ok, and yet others with tears as the pain doesn’t ever seem to go away, completely. When you raise children fully engaged, and with love, there is no cure for the aftermath of a child who decides that he/she doesn’t want to have anything to do with you anymore. But we are living and have tomorrow to look forward to..as hard as I find that concept to grasp at times myself. And we don’t know what tomorrow will bring even if it isn’t with the estranged child coming back. It may sound cold but is not intended to as loss of a child be it through estrangement or otherwise is absolutely and deeply painful. When we have to step back and be in the back seat watching from afar all we can hope for is that our child’s life brings him/her joy, happiness, love and that the trials/tribulations we had to go through will be less for our child than it was for us. It’s unfortunate when a child/children we raise decides to leave us, their mom, but we cannot control that..and if we love them as unconditionally as we say we do then will do our best to accept their current state and continue to wish them love and only the very best. None of this is easy… as I know from personal experience, BUT it is our destiny.
I am in the same yet different situation. I left my husband. Or should I say asked him to leave. I began dating. My daughter 24 wouldn’t speak to me for hurting her father. When she did speak it was horrible and cruel. She of course doesn’t understand everything but she knows he has a mental disorder that I just couldn’t seem to live with. Am I proud of myself? Not even close. Forgiveness isn’t going to happen. Maybe ever. We were once so close. Now she brings up anything I did wrong as a parent. Where do I go from here.
I feel I have done everything and more for my daughter who has turned her back on me at 17! Went to live with her dad for the last 12 years has been in and out of her life depending on if he has a girlfriend. He actually hasn’t grown up and likes to still party, and with my daughter!!! Who I have done nothing but good, even down to having one pizza in the freezer for tea and obviously have to her and didn’t eat myself as he had paid no maintenance. I worked full time but after paying for breakfast clubs and after school clubs my money didn’t stretch too far. I eventually met my now husband who shel treated as her dad and he loves her as his own for the last 9 years. We have had 2 children who are a lot younger than my daughter and she says this house is a child’s house not for her? Although she was absolutely longing for sisters and brothers as her dad has had many to all different women. I am beside myself and had our long term family life all mapped out. Dreaming of her with me until the day she walked down the aisle. Am so sorry for anybody who’s child turns on them when you have done nothing but love, care and cherish them. My daughter puts pictures on social media of this one friend saying “doesn’t know what she would of done without her sister” makes me so mad and upset as she has always been very open with me and her stepdad and we have a policy to talk about anything no matter how small or big. Although I have two little ones I feel my whole world and life has fell apart and think i don’t want these two put me through the same misery. Can anybody help me if they are going through the same situation? She seems so troubled after splitting with her boyfriend of 3 years and I have only advised the first cut is the deepest and wanted her to enjoy life as a teenager but with me still guiding her through right and wrongs. And enjoying her various stages in life Many thanks and big hugs to all you heartbroken parents
I have read and read and read the pain all that each of you have posted on this post and like wise i too have a 21 year old son who moved out to move into his girlfriends parents home. I didnt take it well as i felt as if someone real close had died. Its painful ageed but after three weeks or so of trying to find out where i went wrong, i have come to the understanding that i brought my son up to be an independant person. That was our goal all along no matter how we look at it….we/i did our job. I am happy for him to feel that he is ready to take care of another soul. I had it rough when i was younger and i am thankful that my son did not go through the same things i have. I did good…its his turn. 🙂 this thought is what is keeping me sane. Its gods way of saying im done…its better than having a child disrespect you all day everyday and way better than having another adult depend on me for money, rent, food….if he is doing these things for others….i did my job……
I too am in this position of having a grown up (age 29) daughter who hates me, although she said ‘to hate someone that would mean I’d have to have feelings for them in the first place’. You can imagine how this hurt me. She fell out with my when she was 24. My heart goes out to all of you. I am trying to heal but I know it will take a very long time, if at all. I don’t quite know how to regard her now as these feelings she has towards me have spiralled out of control as she really believes that I am a bad mother. She has told me to stay out of her life. She was such a beautiful little girl and I miss her. I have missed her growing into a woman and the two of us becoming friends. I feel envious of mothers who have close relationships with their daughters i.e. when they go shopping etc but I do have a wonderful son which I thank God for.
My 11 year old daughter dis-owned me last year. I truly believe her Dad and his wife (her step-mom) spent years plotting, manipulating and programming my daughter to distrust me (Parental Alienation). Her dad and I divorced and he remarried when she was a baby. The attempts at alienation went on for over ten years she abruptly disowned me last March 2015. She insisted on moving in with her dad full time. I rarely see her, she doesn’t talk to me on the phone. My heart is broken. My daughter’s “turn on me” was sudden, shocking, and the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. I love her and took care of her and always looked out for her best interests. The courts did not recognize that parental alienation was going on and now she does not have to see me unless she wants to (which has been never) and she is mean, cold and nasty to me if I try to contact her. NOTHING I DO IS RIGHT. I went though over $6000.00 in attorney fees in less than 2 months and cannot afford to fight years and years in the Family Court System here. I feel hopeless and I cry EVERYDAY. I am begging for help or advise. I feel hopeless and want to see or talk to my daughter so badly. I have no criminal record or any kind of bad record whatsoever .
I have the opposite problem as you. I am close to my daughter, but am estranged from my son. It is because of my daughter-in-law. My heart is broken, but have figured out it is out of my control. Would like to see my grandsons though. That is the worst part. I have five grandsons, my son has 3 and daughter has two. I have always been close to them. If it were up to my grandsons, I would see them all of the time. But they are little, 8, 6, and one. I haven’t seen the little one for 4 months. My daughter-in-law and her parents have worked hard to turn my son against me and my daughter, and the rest of my family. He has aunts and cousins that love him, but he has turned on them too. To the lady with the 17 year old daughter, she will hopefully grow up and realize, so I think there is hope for you. It is the not knowing what they think you did that could be so horrible as to turn on a parent who just loves them so much.
To the Lady who stated she has no sympathy for those who have a husband and other children. I find this statement so confusing and irrational. Due to having other children and a husband is supposed to lesson the pain. I suppose this statement could have some standing if one loved their children on different levels. I Love everyone of my children and therefore the pain for each and everyone of them would also be the same irregardless if I had one or a dozen. What I do understand is that the pain is real and for some reason does not seem to lesson with time…at least not to date. The pain seems to take on different flavors from time to time. I go through times of sadness followed by times of anger and rejection. Then the lovey sadness fills the chamber once again. I pray time will heal all!
I must admit I feel am not able to enjoy my other two children and family time, days out and special occasions as I feel my daughter should be part of it all as she has for the past 17 years! Is it wrong to carry on with your life regardless? As I have asked and asked for her to come home or even come for a sleep over. The kids keep asking when is she coming for tea as I did say that she must come for tea at least once a week on the day she choose so it didn’t interrupt her new life, which she hasn’t been for the past two weeks as she has told my mum (her nan) she isn’t talking to me as I have blamed her friend for bringing trouble to my front door and put my house and children in danger! And no apology, she didn’t like that I stated the obvious as am not aloud to upset her BFF, however myself, husband and siblings are ok to be upset with hurt. It’s my daughters 18th birthday very soon and I can’t even make plans to enjoy this very special day with her as I have done for the past 18 years. It does feel like am going through the grieving process. As another reader has wrote I think am best just wishing her luck, love and happiness for her future and hopefully she will eventually make good choices and one day will need/want me. I am so envious of other mums spectacular loving relationships I.e shopping, eating out together as she used to come the gym with me and we would have that little bonding time. It’s just so hard when other people ask how’s the kids and you can’t even answer how 1 out of 3 is as I don’t no anything about her anymore. It feels like I never brought her up. Tough times
How do you handle when you’ve done everything for your daughters to get treated like crap? I have 3 daughters 33, 30 and 22 for some reason they just hate me I’m so heartbroken. The 2 oldest live in Oklahoma and the younger one stays here or at her boyfriends. I’ve always put them first before anything. I’m just so heartbroken.
My heart breaks for everyone in this position. Wish there was an answer. Grandparents do have legal rights in most states I believe. I have spoken to an attorney and know that I have the right to see my grandchildren. Really don’t want to take it to court, but if it comes to that, I will not hesitate. The little ones are the ones that suffer because of the ignorant adults.
Same boat, my heart aches i have 3 sons and as soon as they got married it was all about the wifes family. My daughter married a bum and i am always feeding and clothing her babies, they only call when they need something . We let 2 of the boys live at home while they were recovering from their first divorce rent free for a few yrs. Basically we are 60 now and broke. We literally do not know what we are going to do now. My son has a beautiful home, very big, with a finished basement, ( only has his kids from prior wife part time). I was praying he would help us out now that we need help. His girlfriend doesnt want us, but i know if it was one of her parents, they would have a place to go. I am so hurt . And angry, i was a wonderful mother, i dont get it. How can you take from your parents then forget about them when you dont need them???????
I have been dealing with this issue since 2000, my son met a girl and married her shortly after. My son invited me to the wedding as I was in CA, and he was IL. I made arrangements to go with my husband, only to have my son call me the next weekend and said they just went to a justice of the peace. I was heart broke. Since I have had a nasty letter sent to me from his wife, telling me if she could break ties she would. Well she has done just that. My son will not even talk to me. I texted him and wished him a happy birthday. She texted me back, and told me I was a POS and never call or write again. My son is not honey!! She actually sounds jealous in a lot of ways.She tells me I am ugly and she wants everyone to see how ugly I am ! I am really trying to come to grips with this. If I quit trying to talk to my son, will he think I don’t love him and don’t care? Or do I just leave it alone and let this evil spirit have her way? It has gotten a little easier with time, but I miss my son and has boys!! Hurt in MO.
My daughter only saw me on the weekends growing up because of our divorce I agreed to let her live with him to stay with her friends and school. I had a terrible childhood and tried to raise her with all my heart and soul.
After college we stayed close on the phone. We always were open with one another.
She stayed with me for 2 days after loosing her job and because I asked her to help out somewhat with the utilities she left and lived with her grandmother.
She has been living all over the country now for years and because of her bad choices in men she has only used me to complain and be miserable. Our visits once a year became nothing but crying jags over her boyfriends.
Eventually I told her how I felt and she stopped talking to me for a year and a half.
Then she began making bad choices. Staying with her boyfriend who broke up with her for Christmas instead of spending some time with us, going back to this person who keeps hurting her.
Then when this same guy broke up with her for the 3rd time she called and cried again explaining that she had disowned me and wanting an apology from me.
She was going to come to the east coast for a new job. Now calling all the time crying on the way driving across the country, contemplating suicide. I went thru the same thing in my past with a boy who kept me hanging off and on for years and I ended up trying to end it all. Unfortunately I now ended up back in the hospital with a breakdown after trying to help her get thru her pain.
She was finally moving back to the east coast and I had dreams of us being together and close again.
I missed her so much. My husband and I went to visit her and she was so cold and uncaring. She never did come see me after I got out of the hospital because she said her car wasn’t working. But when we got to her house I find that had she drove 3hrs to see her grandmother.
I tried to explain my sensitive condition to her but she acted as though she was just going thru the motions of visiting her sick mother.
Ive tried to communicate my feelings but have been told that I am punishing her and making her feel guilty for nothing she did wrong.
I am beside myself. She is my only “miracle” daughter.
Was told I couldn’t have any children.
I have lost her to a man she is hanging on to that never wants to see her again. I know she needs time.
Time I will give her. The pain of almost seeing your daughter go thru what you went thru and hoping it doesn’t turn out the way it did for me was more than I can bear.
I have God and pray he will keep me strong until she realizes how much I love and need her. I pray for all of you who suffer from the loss of a dear one.
My son and my bond was so close when he was younger. Fast forward 20 years. He doesn’t want anything to do with me. I don’t see him, his wife, or my grandson. I don’t know if it’s because I developed depression in my second marriage or because he joined the service. Both my marriages were abusive but he blames everything on me and his anger is directed just at me. My daughter calls him damaged – he doesn’t talk to to her, either. I am learning to realize I will never be a part of his or his family’s life. Interesting that he named his son after my dad but doesn’t have anything to do with them. Just his dad and his family.
D. Marie — It’s been almost a year since I’ve been able to see my daughter, I gave her Dad custody to avoid years and years of expensive and damaging court battles. I decided to put the matter in the hands of “God” thinking that my daughter would see past the BS and come back to me. Now that I have researched the topic I realize that she may NEVER come back to me. She’s only 12! She told me shortly after making the decision to move in with her dad full time that his wife is “her Mother”. I would have rather been shot! My heart aches every day. She will NOT talk to me on the phone (only text) and doesn’t answer me 99% of the time so I gave up. Yes, I gave up trying to talk to her (for now).. Because I do not know how to make things better! Her dad says when I contact her I stress her out so bad she can’t go to school. I constantly wish I were DEAD. I did however decide to become a fostor parent and now focusing on trying to help children that need and want my help. I still break down and cry almost daily.
Since last posting about the bad relationship with my son, things have shifted a little my husband and I stayed over xmas with him and his wife in their apartment and I got to see how they live. I’d forgotten how tough it is to be a late twenty something stressed by work always tired and under pressure to be having an amazing social life. At our stage of life we’re winding down and we’re pretty chilled. We learnt not to be dismissive of their reality, to recall how we felt at that age and to try and empathise. It sounds strange but since then things are a little easier, we still don’t hear from him often- the odd text here and there. One day he’ll have kids and we’ll be there for them……
I have taken solice that I am not alone in my heart break
Both my grown children want nothing to do with me my family or my friends whom they have known their entire life .
I did move away 3 years ago ( but am back in the area twice a month for work ) I had hope that a relationship would be maintained during this time but no .
My daughter stopped talking to me because my son came and stayed at my new house ( while I was overseas )
She told me it was because he went there .
I know it is parental alienation and has been going on for years but I thought they knew me and knew I loved them .
I have attempted suicide twice over this and the abuse hence the decision to move away
I wanted to live in peace
Some days I am still not sure I will survive without them
I can still smell my daughters hair and so want to hold them both
Reading everyone experiences it’s clear that we do not have any control over what our adult children choose to do or how they act and one day they may look back and understand life from our side of the fence. Personally I spent so much time encouraging them to grab the world and enjoy it, that I forgot to remind them I will need them as well when I am older.
Not all my sons girl friends have been unkind, some really lovely and more like I imagine what a daughter would be like. But nice men like the sons we raised tend to marry the demanding ones, it appears to be natures way of balancing this out in their offspring, this is the way I look at it and try to laugh about it.
I found a way to cope by having my own wonderful relationship with a much younger man. My 20’s, 30’s and 40’s, were spent rearing my two and my youth was in suspended animation. After 12 years of living like a nun, I was persuaded to let a sweet kind,man half my age, love me and a year on we are very happy. He is a great distraction from worrying about not being invited to grandchildren’s parties etc.
I think that some sons move on because they know we love them enough to let them go. It’s bizarrely because they know we can cope without them and have been great mums by not guilt tripping them into staying around. Bitter flipping sweet or what…..
I was beaten by my ex husband for many years and had 5 children none of who ever contact me only the one.one got married an his wife never contacts me and is so well in with her family. my kids have all gone back with ex husband. There is something wrong but cannot put my finger on what ?.it is, but one has to keep on living there’s nothing else to do.
My just turned 17 year old daughter has told me she hates me. She told me she was old enough to live where she wants to so she moved to her sisters house 3 hours away. She has been a very hard child to raise. She is very strong willed and defiant. She got herself on birth control at the age of 16 behind my back through the help of another parent. I didnt like it but I accepted it only becausr I would rather het be on birth control than not. I have been trying to keep her on task when her grades fall then she yells at me in defiance. She has cerfews she rebels about and she had a boyfriend at age 16. I have continuously been batteling her to come home she goes to her boyfriends house everyday and refuses to come home until 9 or 10 at night doesnt matter that i tell her to be home by 7 or 8 she wont do it. She is now 17 and she continues to stay out late how long she wants. She is not on drugs and her friends mom says she can live with them and do home schooling and i said no way. So i let her live with her sister and she had 2 low grades that i aske d what is going on here and she told me to STOP. I talked to her sister and she says she hates me so i really am emotionally drained and cant do it anymore. I told her they wouldnt hear from me again. So I really do mean it and i have never thought this would ever happen in my family. My mom is mad at me and like its my fault and i have done the best that i know how. 🙁
Thank-you everyone for sharing painful and heartbreaking feelings. I stumbled across this page today hoping to find help…or solace. My adult daughter walked away from our entire family 2 years ago. I was waiting for her to return with a change in attitude, maturity and a willingness to form an adult relationship with my husband and me. We have been together over 30 years, a stable loving household and two daughters. I had a horrible life growing up and did everything in my power to make theirs special. It was not to be, a nasty, short email to tell us how horrible we were and she feels “nothing” for us….do not contact her again. How to deal with total rejection from a person who is within the closest circle a person creates around them. I do not feel guilty for anything we did, she had a great life. It feels like I am mourning the death of a child but she is still walking, talking somewhere….so sad.
I too stumbled on this site after months/weeks of crying. It has actually been three years since my daughter and I detached. I agree with those who say they did nothing but try to give their kid the best life ever…the lives we never had. Could it be that the problem is just that? My parents were so hard on me…my mother still is, but I truly know what my duty is to her and I would not hurt her for the world. Obviously, my daughter who takes and takes and takes and takes and my son who ignores and ignores and ignores just did not pick up on those things. They say this next generation is choosing to NOT have kids. Again…selfishness. I think we need to face it. We helicopter parents raised a bunch of spoiled, ungrateful brats, and we just need to move on with our lives now. But who am I to talk. I am spending my entire inheritance paying for my daughter’s college, and she doesn’t care enough to send me a Mothers Day card.
I’m very glad so many adult children have had what it takes to cut off toxic and/or abusive parents. I hope they make better parenting choices than their parents did.
I can’t understand cutting off a family member for no reason. I don’t for a second believe the parental-self-pity party happening in these comments portrays the full story.
If you aren’t respecting your adult children’s boundaries, you are emotionally abusive. As adults they most certainly have the right to decide who has access to their person, how, and when. You don’t own them. The idea that you choosing to raise children means they owe you for life regardless of how they really feel is a terribly imbalanced transactional dynamic. Another hallmark of a toxic/abusive relationship.
I’m 33, and haven’t seen or spoken to my mother in over 3 years. Best decision of my life. She’s abusive, and the emotional effects of a lifetime of abuse(physical, emotional, and neglect) means I can’t handle her abusive nature in a healthy manner. It isn’t safe for me to see her.
She is aware that she hit me, threw things at me, called me names, put me down, refused to let me get medical care when I got sick, wouldnt let me(at 18) go to the University that accepted me(including denying me access to info I needed for my FAFSA and telling me she would physically stop me if I tried to leave for school), etc, but denies it was abuse. This denial of the truth is a form of gaslighting, which is also abuse.
We used to communicate via email/text. I told her if she got counseling to help her respect people’s boundaries I would talk to her again. She refused, and instead tried to sell me some MLM supplement scam that “cured” some imaginary ailment that supposedly is responsible for all her bad behaviors. Riiiiight. Things escalated, with her using the mail to harrass me with creepy things like “I’m sorry” handwritten dozens of times on little slips of paper, and letters detailing how I am the abusive one because I wont let her see me. (The cognitive dissonance involved in that mess of choices is astounding.) As if not wanting to be in the company who of someone who regularly hit me is somehow worse than the physical violence she inflicted on me.
She eventually found a way past the locked gate around my apartment complex and harrased me for 15 minutes, knocking on the door and window and trying to peep throught the blinds and shouting at me through the open window. I had a panic attack in the bedroom while my partner talked to my Dad on the phone and got him to call her off. That was 9 months ago. I still have nightmares about her, about not being able to get away. I’m still working on a legal strategy to keep her from stalking me again.
I see my Dad occasionally. He was abusive too, but never like her. He was willing to eventually get help and support and learn the skills he needed to refrain from abusing others. He takes responsibility for his actions, sincerely apologized repeatedly, and tries to be supportive. Dad and I have a relationship. It is a miracle that we do, since she spent years manipulating her children to fear and hate their Dad more than he deserved, touting herself as our savior the times she refrained from turning him on us when we made mistakes. She portrayed him as a monster, but she never found her children’s safety worth leaving him over. They are still together.
I am not the only adult child to stop talking to her. My older brother also cut off contact with her, back in ’08/’09. Mom resents the fact that we all still have contact with Dad, but her 2 oldest refuse to have anything to do with her. Dad regrets that he hasn’t met his grandsons because my brother wont bring them around Mom. If I have kids, I can’t allow my parents to develop a relationship with them, because I don’t want there to ever be a situation where my kids are alone with the people who abused me. Protecting the next generation from abuse is the most important thing.
These are the consequences of the choices she made. Being a parent doesn’t mean you have to be perfect, but it also doesn’t mean you get to treat your children however you want without potentially paying the price.
I am so proud of all of my fellow adult survivors of child abuse. You are so strong. Take some time and treat yourself nice today. You deserve it.
To all the moms out there who’s are getting broken from the orbital children it’s just heartbreaking to read . I am a mom and have two grown children in their 20s that still live at home my son the daughter I’ve had my share of Some problems but they are amazing adults of course is always stresses when adult children are living home.sometimes but otherwise I don’t have these problems that you moms are having but I could feel for you my son is engaged now he’s 23 my daughter is 25 and has a boyfriend their spouses are both very nice but I never like the word never.If I write it will never happen to me.I can’t say that because you never know in life but I would give up my life for them I love them to death and then to be treated like that must be horrible my son told me he may be moving out of state in a couple years due to the fact New York is too expensive to live here so I understand that but even though it’s a couple years away.I keep hoping he changes his mind I want to be happy for him and not selfish but we’ve always been extremely close so it kind of breaks my heart that he may move out-of-state one day that kills me but I will not show him I’m sad about it and I would never want him to feel guilty about that as far as my daughter she has no plans of moving far away so,I am happy about that. I’m very close to my children and I have a great relationship with them not that we haven’t had a problems so I’m no a perfect mother by far. I just happened to be reading all this and my heart feels sad for all you moms even though I’m not in your position. I could be one day you never know I truly wish I had my adult children back is babies I miss that I never realized the years would fly by so quickly just like they shall fly one day also and leave the nest?? I have two parents that are still alive thank God I’m blessed to have them I’ve never disrespected my parents I’m only 47 years old I just don’t understand this generation of this respect for parents. Thank God that I am not going through what your moms are going through it would kill me I wouldn’t even be able to concentrate on work but it would do me no good but destroying me self. I just want All of you moms to know how sorry and sad I am that you are being treated this way hopefully one day you children will turn around and tell you they are very sorry.Sometimes it’s just too late they don’t realize a parent could be gone in one day in one minute one secondary God bless you all even so I don’t know you reading your stories break my heart I hope everything works out for you guys and your kids realize how rotten they are being. What goes around comes around one day their adult children may turn around and do the same thing to them and then they will know the pain they caused you ??
The pain of alienation is so painful , some how I think my children enjoy seeing Me in pain . I ask them why and they give me no answer just laugh .I was told my daughter reads a book on manipulation and how to turn people against one another. That’s what she has done to me . All five of my children hate me and say she told them something . I have no idea what their talking about. I love my adult children but they hate me I’m in so much pain
God bless you all !!! Shame on these self-centered narcissistic kids these days how dare them shameful did she go to church and pray for forgiveness ?
I have two daughters who have nothing to do with me. I did everything to help them in life. Now I’m very well off financially. When I die my daughters will get nothing and my second wife gets it all because she stayed with me through some very difficult times. I’m good to the people who are good to me and if you choose to be indifferent, then I say good bye and good luck. I say look out for yourself and the people who love you and to hell with the thoughtless, selfish non-feeling, non-caring one’s. Even if they are your offspring.
Wow. I’m in shock by all of these. Me being a single parent of 5 beautiful girls (I’m 34), I could NEVER hate any of them. I fight so hard to make ends meet, and yes I struggle probably more than the average person, but I’ll be damned if I’ll HATE any of my kids for any reason at all. My mother was a lazy drunk drug addict when I was growing up. If it wasn’t about her then it wasn’t important. I mean for gods sake, I was molested at the age of 1-6 and she knew it all along, but still left me with them to go party. I was raped at 14, and “I asked for it”… Come on now. My real dad was touch and go, I was once his princess until my sister and brother (3 different moms) came around. He decided to cut ties with me 5 years ago. If it weren’t for my step dad, I’d have no father figure. He passed last June. With all the fear and pain from that I reached back out to my real father, we are now trying to get back to normal now. My “mother” is in Boston with her Internet boyfriend, still complaining about her back pains in her emotional distress from losing her ex-husband who by the way, she didn’t even bother to come for the funeral. My mother likes to complain that me and my brother and sister don’t call her or spend time with her like we should even though we are in California and she’s in Boston. I love my mother because she is my mother, but I hate her as a person. My mother says she loves me no matter what, but when she asked how I’m doing, it turns into something about her, Followed by a quick hangup. I don’t ask my parents for much, just to be there to watch their grandchildren grow. My oldest daughter will be 17 this summer she wants to join the Army reserves. My 15-year-old daughter is having a hard time growing up in torn family, so I’m getting her therapy before she does something really stupid, but I still love her. My other children are small and trying to figure out what’s going on between mommy and daddy, why we don’t live together, why were not married , Why daddy has a new baby with another girl, why mommy lives alone. All these things that they ask I answer the best I possibly can. Maybe one day they’ll grow up to hate me, maybe they’ll grow up to hate their father, that’s something only time can tell. I wish you all the best, sorry for my ranting.
I have a similiar situation. My son lives 40 minutes away from me,he has to children with his girlfriend. I see him maybe 4 times a year. Usually when it involves them getting gifts, Christmas , kids birthdays. They are having money problems because they live beyond their means. I am retired and live alone.I have no vehicle, they both drive luxury cars.Two holiday dinners in a row now, his girlfriend hosted dinner and did not invite me.The first time we discussed it, and she knew I woud not come if I were not invited.So it was very deliberate.I have another son who lives in another state.He is very poor, yet has the biggest heart ever. He calls me several times a week. Although he has little or no money, he always sends flowers for my birthday and mothers day. I don’t even get a phone call from the son here. His girlfriend is always shopping and planning outing for her and her friends,Upgrading her home and borrowing money from her parents. I suppose she expects that he should aslo borrow from me. He has in the past but never pays me back.I am in poor health and retired.How should I handle their rejection of me now? She carrys on as though, I spoil the poor son, and not her boyfriend. That is not true. I spent far more on her family, but its never appreciated.She’s very disrepectful and spiteful, and he has become just like her. Should I cut my losses and just forget about them? I’ve done it with another child and don’t miss the drama or her at all.I used to be hurt not seeing the grandchildren, but I can see that she is making them just like her, so although I love them and I know they love me. She has held them back from me in the past, so I have always expected her to do it again. I will not let her hold them hostage. I’d rather give them up on my own terms. Am I wrong? I’m just loosing any loyalty towards them. Getting to the point that I could care less if I ever see them again. I want to cut them off completely.
my 2 daughters aged 23 and 25 (eldest has a little boy aged 18months) have turned against me and my family. It happened 6 months ago initially and we (daughters and I) made up – but last week it happened again.
I am getting ill and panic attacks seem to overwhelm me – my partner told my 23 yr old to move out (she was shouting and screaming at me, because i refused to go argue with her cousin over a fall out they had had. My eldest won’t let my grandson stay here anymore due to my partner. I love my daughters and my grandson.
Since I had wrote about the rejection of my daughter, we are now talking. I have learnt over the couple of months to concentrate on the other 2 children living at home who want me. I don’t ask the eldest questions about where and who she has been or with. I invite her round for tea each week which is her choice and if she doesn’t come just respond with “that’s fine maybe next week, as you have your own life and friends to visit” although it breaks my heart she doesn’t live her the weekly rejection and arguments where making me ill, almost where I’d pray just to die!! This was not fair on my husband and 2 baby children, which I have realised now. My daughter turned 18 last week and her wish was to sleep in my house around her family the night before which I was happy with so really made a fuss of her surprise party, champagne breakfast minus the champagne (pure orange in champagne glasses) she was so happy. am grateful for the little relationship we have now and can only hope r relationship will grow stronger again. My advice to you all heartbroken people is to be strong and show these children that you are the parent no matter how old they are you can also show them rejection. The more you fussy putt around them the more they thrive on it. Am sorry it’s like a game to them so get smart and play the game, with more experience.