Many people who have come to this page are looking for answers to the problem of family estrangement. I’m 
excited to be able to offer an brand new resource. For my book, Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them, I interviewed hundreds of people in estrangements, including those who have successfully reconciled. The book is filled with compelling stories, concrete advice, and strategies and tips for healing family rifts. I hope you find it helpful!
In an earlier post, one of the Legacy Project elders shared her mixed feelings about having children. Loraine,89 , talked about accepting both the joy and the pain children can bring. She stated: “If you don’t have children now, when you have them you will have these moments. When you look at them and your heart – it’s like your heart takes all the pain and all the love for them that you have.”
We just received a comment on that post from one of our readers, who would like your advice:
What about when your children are disappointments? I would like to hear how parents handle situations when their most loved children are cause for a broken heart? Comments please!
We asked some experts for their advice, which you can find here.
Please note that the comments thread on this post is now closed.
Charlie’s entry is VERY powerful. 40 years of pain; they no longer cry for their children’s attitude towards them, but for the world we live in today. Strong, simple words that cut hard.
I just found this website & can relate. My son is 49 I am 68 he’s been on & off verbally abusive & so have my grandsons periodically whenever they stayed with me. My son broke my heart .what do I do? I know I can call 911 if worse came to worse.
PS I’m not in any danger. I’m in a mobile home park & neighbors all around. Its just sad. My youngest son died 29 years ago & my daughters in the hospital getting cancer tests.
Hi ,
In June I left a message about how painful it was dealing with my verbally abusive 27 year old son. I want to share a letter I mailed him which appears to have made a difference. The real test will come the next time he visits and since we live on different Coasts, it won’t be for awhile.
I have wanted to write to you ever since your visit. I have a need to say some things to you that I am hoping you will at least read.
I confess I don’t really know you or understand you as well as I hoped to by now.
I do know one thing for certain Son, I do not want you to visit me here any time soon. Your actions and behavior in my company were totally unacceptable to me and I won’t tolerate your nastiness and disrespect any longer. You obviously are aware that something is wrong or you wouldn’t bother to apologize or admit you have issues. I feel I have been overly supportive and generous to you and for that I put up with your abusive and angry crap.
I don’t know why you have so much anger, but when you exploded in that parking garage in Philly, it scared and saddened me.
Maybe you are living with anxiety that you don’t know you have, but it would stand to reason that you would have inherited some from both sides of the family.
As your Mom who loves you more than probably anyone ,my suggestion would be to go talk to a counselor and try to get some understanding about why you are willing to jeopardize our relationship.
I suppose I am saying that you need to make a big effort to change and it is doubtful that you have as much control over it as you would like. None of us like having flaws , but we are all humans and none of us escape imperfection. Loving and accepting others will bring you the most satisfaction you can imagine, because love comes back to us when we give it freely.
I hope some of this you can find helpful. I want nothing more for you in life than satisfaction and a true sense of peace and happiness. You are still very young and you have lots of time. Please when you are setting your daily goals make sure to treat others with respect ,kindness and sensitivity.
Each of us has strengths and weaknesses and together we learn and grow from one another . You have some amazing gifts to share with the universe and if you would stop trying so hard and be less afraid of letting go you will find a greater meaning to this amazing journey.
Love you always,
Mom
Good old mom, I try to adhere to “not giving advice,” and only speaking about what has worked for me, and this is what I have had to do and it has worked!
I would not allow any abusive person to stay at my house, regardless of “relation” or not. It wasn’t until very recently that our culture recognized that “battered spouses” existed and that the husband did NOT have the right to beat them, just because they married them.
The same goes for battered mothers. Freud did so much damage with his blame-the-mother-for-everything theories and I can’t wait until those illicit and illogical ideas are buried in the grave next to him.
We do not have to accept abuse from ANYONE. Especially not from relatives or children. Surely we deserve the same common courtesy we expect from strangers on the street.
Tina Turner said that she learned that if something was causing you misery, “get rid of it.” Whether it was your car, your job, your mother, whatever wasn’t working in your life. Get rid of it. Don’t give it any more energy. When I finally learned to “just say no” to the people that were draining me, emotionally, spiritually and financially, everything in my life changed.
Now I’m learning not to blame myself. That’s the next big step. But one at a time, I’m getting there. I’m sure you will, too, and I wish you the very, very best! I wouldn’t have anyone I was afraid of in my house for any reason at all. I would “show them the door” and close it. And not open it again until amends had been made. And stuck to, with no “repeat performances.”
God bless and I will keep you in my prayers.
Leah wrote: “Why she chooses to be hurtful and mean I don’t know.”
I don’t know why some adult children have the same characteristics, when they weren’t raised with cruelty or meanness of any kind. I do see a lot of this kind of behavior in other genetic family members, however, so I’m wondering if it is passed down the same way genetically. It could also be severe personality disorders and/or addictions of any kind.
Some people are mean and cruel and some people are generous and kind. When the mean ones come after me, I have to remind myself it’s not my fault: as they say in ALANON,
“I didn’t cause it,
I can’t control it,
I can’t cure it.”
And I have to “love them from a distance” and that is now what I do. I might miss them every day and think about them all the time, but since I don’t accept mistreatment they have chosen to cut me off and life is so much simpler and quieter now, rather than trying to please someone who can never be satisfied.
I no longer have to “walk on eggshells” and life is so much easier. I wouldn’t trade it even for the loneliness I feel. Nothing is worth being abused by anyone, be it husband, boss, stranger, or our own adult child.
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Everyone has to be responsible for their own actions. We do the best we can, but we can’t control anyone once they reach a certain age, and that age can come mighty quick. You can see it in 5 and 10 year olds sometimes.
To whichypoohs… Your comments resonate soooo true. I am so sorry you feel so sad and know how your heart is broken. I hope for you that your son comes to realize how much he does love you and how endless your love for him is. I hope you – at least one person – is reunited with the love and joy of your child. Peace to you.
I didn’t get along well with my mother growing up, but I still had respect for her as my mother. The thought of disappointing my parents always outweighed anything I might of thought of doing. Today, children are about themselves. No respect for elders, parents or others. Just themselves. They don’t seem to appreciate the efforts made on their behalf – trying to make things better for them than we had growing up – and please understand I was never deprived or abused – but that there were things that transpired when I was growing up that I remember deploring and vowing to not have my kids go through. So they didn’t happen and yet my kids still seem to hate us for whatever we try to do for them. Why? Why don’t they feel any respect or consideration for their parents like their parents generation did? Why have they gotten so selfish and mean and inconsiderate???
I’m so very sorry for everyone’s pain and heartache. I have been through the same thing with both my children. My husband and I did too much I feel for our children. They seem to hate us both. Why because when they needed money we gave, Why when they needed us we were there. Why because all our lives we worked hard to give them good lives. To be treated so terrible. My husband has passed not even two months ago and my son and my dil who live close to me have said and done things to me that are so cruel. My heart is breaking from losing my dear wonderful huaband and they have to be so cruel. Why? I keep asking myself what did I do. My daughter the same I was ok when I was giving to her then when I would stop and moved away that was it for me it was all over. She never calls and I cannot see or speak to my 3 granddaughters. How can you try so hard as parents and get treated so terrible. I’m all alone now and I have no one well not my children. Wonder how they would feel if I had done this to them. I’ve deciced to walk away till they can all treat me the way I deserve with love and respect and if they can’t what have I lost. Nothing at all! I will probalby be happier not listening to what a failure we were as parents. Nothing is ever their fault. My dil and my sil are just as bad. They love their parents but not us. Why? We gave everything and we get nothing at all. I’m tired to giving, and trying to win their love. Let see how they do without me. Afterall they never could stop asking for money and help all their lives. I miss my husband so very much he was my best friend. I’m so lost without him. He deserved better too! He was a wonderful Dad! What a blessing he was in my life!
I have a question to ask all of you. I myself have posted on here many times, and am going through what all of you are. Like you, I am left saddened, wondering, “What did I do that was so wrong?” I have an idea that I would like to pursue. Anyone who is willing to share your story with me, completely anonymously, of course, please send me your story, with ONLY your first name and last initial, to pattyjm59@gmail.com. I am going to gather these stories together and go to a few different “experts” and see what they suggest for all of us. Then I will post the results on here. In the meantime, you are all in my thoughts and prayers. Thanks.
parentforlife, thank you for your response, but I would like to correct a possible misunderstanding. My situation is NOT “terrible.” I was describing other parents who have adult children who cause constant havoc, chaos, lies, theft, alcohol or drug addictions and more.
Sometimes those parents have to take a hard line and “just say no” to more destructive influences, even if to protect other children in the home or even their own mental health. This is not the situation with me.
I was referring to your telling the other woman that she should allow her daughter, who has attacked her many times, to return to the home and they should “go to counseling together.” You also said that our (adult) children’s mistakes are “our mistakes.”
I am not responsible nor can I control what another adult human being does. Yes, they are influenced by their home life and family upbringing, but many other influences also come into play.
To tell a grieving woman who does not want to have more chaos in her life that she is somehow responsible for it and to allow it to continue is like telling a battered wife that she should stay with her abusive husband, and she “must have done something to set him off.”
In spite of what Freud and other victim-blamers say, we are not responsible for other people’s actions. It took me a long time to realize and accept that. It was only having a battered-child mentality that made me believe it was “my fault” my son did the things he did. No, he chose to do the things he did and he’s been doing them for more than 40 years. Once a person leaves home we have no more control over them and sometimes we don’t have a lot of control when they are home! If we did, we would be called “overbearing controlling mothers.”
Sometimes you can’t win for losing when someone is looking for someone else to blame. I accept the responsibility for what I do and the lessons I taught and the lessons I learned. I am not responsible for another person’s lies, destructive or misbehavior.
Michelle is not to blame for her daughter’s behavior.
Again, what I learned in Alanon (family members of alcoholics), is the Three C’s:
You didn’t cause it
You can’t control it
You can’t cure it.
As adults we all have to take stock of our own lives and live in the best way we know how, or as some do, any way we want to! Some choices are positive for self and others, and many choices are negative. The recipient of the anger, violence, lies and chaos is not responsible for what is being heaped on them.
I think it’s more important to learn to take care of oneself and not allow anyone to disrespect us as parents or individuals. For far too many years women were blamed for being abused and battered by husbands or more. Those days are thankfully over.
Now we need to stop blaming parents for the abusive behavior of their off-spring. This may seem harsh to you, but it’s just as important for mothers to realize everything is not their fault!
The most vulnerable of our population, women, are constantly blamed for the actions of others when they have no control over those other people.
If you want to pray for someone, pray for the abusive adult children who have not yet learned the error of their ways. Those are the ones who are causing havoc and pain, and they need help more than any others. Consider working with troubled adults if you are so inclined, and offer real support to others rather than blaming them when they are being victimized.
That is what will help make the necessary changes for everyone to treat each other with courtesy and respect. Unless of course you absolve others of lying and more destructive actions. I don’t believe excusing bad behavior helps anyone in the end.
I give up, it hurts. I sacrifice d many years to finish college so my kids would have food and shelter and understand hard work. But it didn’t work none of my 4 kids are graduating. I feel like a failure
Thank you for this site. My son who is 26 , married 2 years, given everything, loved by all cutt us out of his life because of wife and her family. It has been that hardest 2 years and to really not even know why with no communication it’s just crazy . I feel also we have touch and they just expected without ever caring about us. For 2 years we have tried to teach out but they do not even care enough to respond… It’s not right
I just wanted to say that I’m glad I found this page. I’m so sorry that you guys are suffering, but it is reassuring on some level to know that it’s not just me.
My 8-year-old daughter breaks my heart. She actually has broken my soul over the course of her short life. She has never been easy; in fact, when she was 3 I took her to a psychiatrist thinking there was no way he would diagnose her as anything less than sociopathic. He said she is normal, happy and seemingly well-adjusted.
Yet, almost every day she has made me feel like a bad mother, and as if I’m completely insane. I honestly believe that she tries to be well-behaved, but her own desires get in the way of that. What she wants ALWAYS comes before anything else, even if it is to her or someone else’s detriment.
It is hard not knowing other people who are suffering this way, not feeling as if I can speak freely about how it makes me feel, for fear of judgment. PC parenting has made it so that we’re not allowed to have feelings of resentment or regret toward our children. I’d love to speak to anyone who isn’t afraid to talk about how they actually feel.
In the mean time, massive hugs to you all. You deserve it.
I totally agree with you Catherine Todd
Very true …
How do I cope with pain from my children? I don’t think I do, what I do do is try to focus on life, every day things, tomorrow things, Sometimes I sit and cry sometimes I feel like I am going to die and sometimes…… I want to die. The pain is indiscribable. The solitude is unspeakable. But at the end of my day I look at my grandchildren and thank God for his compassion
Lets support one another
Love trust commitment intimacy attachment
This is what I td my daughter. I’m angry and hurt
Scared. I’m raising Noah he’s 3 had him 3, years.
I need someone in the same boat as a friend.
Don’t try to change the other
Small gestures
Humor
Personal spAce
Respect
Understanding
Don’t sit around and try to change your past, when you have your entire future to look forward to.
Well that’s your fault because you’re letting yourself be controlled by three things people money and your past experiences
Don’t chase other people work hard and be yourself under these two principles the right people will come into your life.
You say your poor you wish you were rich
Money can’t buy respect self worth and dignity
You are not rich until you have something money can’t buy
If you expect something in return for being a nice person .. Your not a nice person
It’s a great feeling going to bed with a clear conscience you didn’t lie cheat steal!! You didn’t tell stories and hopefully you made someone’s day !!!!
I am new at this……having read some of the comments I feel like I can identify with them. I just feel so defeated.
I give up too. We gave everything we had to try and make things good. He refuses to see it anyway but how his all knowing and all seeing girlfriend has apprised the situation. I fear my son will “wake up” when it’s too late for me to help in any way – but then we are left with the guilt on another level. Like I previously stated, I had more respect and obligation towards MY parents than to leave them with this kind of crap in their last years. I just would have never have thought to have done that. Kids today, they don’t care. They do whatever they want.
i am so hurt and disappointed in my adult children. I never imagined that they would be anything but living and kind , and especially to me. I understand why God repented that he had made man. Why create something that refuses to have fellowship with you. I am honestly struggling with feelings of disdain and hatred for my children. I have told God about these feelings and am trying to repent of ever thinking such thoughts. I feel terrible. Why do I even want them in my life? All they do is cause pain. I never dreamed my life would be like this.
Hello all- I realize this post is a couple of weeks old but I just came across it and hope someone is still reading. My situation is different, yet similar. I have two daughters-one 25, who is a kind, generous, loving, selfless person. Not perfect, but a good person. My youngest is 20 and still lives at home. She is hateful, vindictive, only nice when she wants something, and has treated me horribly for many years now. I DO share blame in who she is today to a degree. My 20’s were spent in the grips of addiction, during which time she lived with her father (highly unstable home life, for which my daughter will never forgive me for). My oldest resided with my mom in a much more stable environment. Nature vs nurture? Regardless, youngest has been with me over 7 years permanently, and summered here few years prior to that. She has never let go of her anger, sees my kind, generous compassionate husband as competition and rarely speaks to him. I am to my breaking point with my daughter. I also wonder at times if she is an undiagnosed sociopath, much as it terrifies and shames me to say this about my own child. Today was a major blowout, in which, after being cursed, spoken to worse than I would my worst enemy, I told her I was done doing anything for her since she thinks I’ve never done anything for her (everything is measured in dollars to her-of which I have also spent plenty)- and I feel she needs to learn. She still lives at home but is rarely here (constantly at boyfriend’s whom she is unhealthily obsessed with). I need to let go and STOP going back on my word about really not doing any more. I have only my husbands support- my mom and her sister will never forgive me and consider me a ‘bad mom’ for putting my foot down. But they don’t live with it-the hateful, spiteful words, the explosive anger, the silent treatment that goes on forever…I am broken and cannot go on like this. I can’t continue to blame myself for the imperfect childhood she had; I did all I could to give her a better one once I was able again, tried counseling countless times- all to no avail, as she is very manipulative and has them believing it has to be me. Don’t know where to turn and feel so very alone. Hope someone is listening and can offer at least a shoulder, if not sound advice. Much more to story but I’ve gone on forever already. (Sorry!)-Thank you!
My 19 year old son has devastated me with his actions. We had the prefect relationship until he got with a girl a little more than a year ago that was never nice to me or anyone else close to my son. I confronted her to see what her deal with and why she was so rude to me and everyone close to my son. That did no go well she was even more rude with as that point I told my son I did not welcome her into my home and if he wanted to continue seeing her he would need to go to her and and not bring her to my home. He has lied to her and others about many things and because of his lies to her I believe that is why the girlfriend was rude to me. After several months of not having her to my house my son turned on me telling me he hates me, he wishes I would die and called me all kinds of vulgar names. He then moved out with his father whom he accused of abusing him whom he hasn’t seen for 6 years. He has been gone for almost 2 months and I have not heard one word from him. He refuses to talk to any of his friends or family. It’s like he walked away from his whole life and never looked back. I don’t feel like I can forgive him. Although I love him with all my heart that love will need to be at a distance. I don’t know if he will ever grow up and realize the damage he’s done and the bridges he’s burned. Any advise or encouragement would be greatly appreciated.
My two children died and the only one left bled me dry while using the money for drugs. Her children are being taken by welfare tomorrow. I am in agony for the small children, being 67 in Aug and still working I cannot take them. How? Why? I have taken a step back, preparing for either I will hear she is dead or have come right on her own. No more, I am tired, so tired.
I’m 56, and the father of a young man with gender dysphoria, i.e. he’s on the road to being transgendered. Talk about breaking your heart. All your hopes and dreams for a normal, successful, and happy life for your child go down the tubes. He hid it from both my wife and I until he was 20, which puts him beyond any point where we have a right to intervene; although he claims he was that way since shortly after becoming a teenager.
I can accept his chosing to be the role of a woman in society, dressing, behaving, working, and living. But I find unacceptable is his decision to undergo surgical and hormonal mutilation of his perfectly functioning normal man body to become a faux female. He’s bought into the propaganda that such a change will solve all his problems.
Let me first say I’m so thankful I ran across this blog! At this moment I’m heart broken to say the least. I am 47, I have 3 daughters ages 25, 23, and 8.
My oldest has an 18mo old daughter, my only granddaughter. My older daughters are from a previous marriage that ended 22 yrs ago. My 8 yr old is also from a previous marriage that ended 6 yrs ago. I have recently remarried a wonderful man who iv know since grade school and we reconnected on fb and married just short of 2 yrs ago. I now have a set of twin step children age 16 a boy and a girl. Our family dynamics work well in general. Family is and always have been very important to me. It’s just taken me a very long time to get it right. My girls have fathers that have always been part of their lives, very involved and loving.
In the last year my older daughters have become very crul, hostel, rude, unavailable…. The have discovered things from “my” past with their dad through “snooping” and can’t seem to talk to me about it only treat me with much disrespect, unwilling to except my sencire apologys over and over…. They have ALLWAYS resisted my 8 yes old ( there 1/2 sister who they have lived with and who adores them so much) they are crul to her leaving her in tears most every time they see her. I have alowwed the big girls to have their pain over this new finding, I understand the healing process thru many trials In my own childhood and adult hood with my own mother.
We are a very spiritual family… Infact my oldest daughter’s husband is the pastor of my church. I say that b/c LOVE is something we believe is very important and forgiveness is esinteal in our beliefe’s yet these girls are curly hurting me and their sister. I’m lost, hurt, broken… Without my faith I wouldn’t even consider my self as whole!
Let me say… There’s no abuse, verbal or otherwise… However there’s also no respect and mean intended words. I have been forgiven for my sins and I don’t live in the past…. But how do I let it go when some of the ppl I love most are so hurt over it they can’t let it go or talk about it with me? I was never nor am I know a perfect person but I loved my children I am learning now to a fault, an unhealthy fault… They were never spoiled, always loved, always disaplend, when needed by myself and their father. They had more then they needed and most of what they wanted. There was never alcohol or drugs in our lives. I truly don’t understand this mean, disrespectful behavior. Any thoughts would be appreciated!
Thank you, lost in adult child love
FROM PREVIOUS POST…..Let me add… It seems our relationship could be completely severed by their choice and I am diying inside at the thought of that!!
Lost in adult child love
I have a 30 you old dysfunctional daughter… she had 4 children. I have custody of 2 of my grandsons 9 & 7 (for the past 6 yrs). 1 grandson whose 4 was given up for adoption,one of the most painful & devastating times in my life, her 4th baby is a 1 Yr beautiful little girl whom she is struggling to keep….she has drug and alcohol issues, she has mental disorders, she refuses to move in with us can barely take care of herself. This has been the last 10 yrs…tough love…cut her off….does better, back in our lives, on & off for 10 yrs…it sickens me. I worry incessantly. I hurt for her b/c I know she wants all her kids & she can’t handle them….it pains me knowing how much she lives trying to run from her mistakes…just making more & more. No where to turn for help…at my wits end….
Mary, I have my 3 year old grandson. My adult daughter has been horrible to me for years. I put my entire life on hold raising her… working 2 and 3 jobs. Now I have her child to raise. It’s scary not knowing how he will turn out and if I am just wasting my time…..My son is a disappointment too. I think we gave them too much.
I’m going through the same as everyone here. here’s a little background:
I divorced my abusive husband 14 years ago, it was a freak accident sign from god the day I was able to, at the right time and place, walk away and get out, to this day I still believe an angel was sitting on my shoulder. My 2 daughters and I got out with only the clothes on our back. I started over, by myself, no help from anyone, slowly buying furniture to fill up our apartment, working as much as I could so I could put a roof over our heads, and food on the table. Childcare took up most of our money. But I pushed on. After the aftershock of the divorce, my girls started visiting their dad every other weekend, coming back treating me like utter crap, hitting me, destroying things at home, I’d get calls from the school almost weekly. I did my best raising them, no child support, again no help from anyone, just me. I gave them everything, always putting them before me. For years I never bought anything for myself, did anything for myself why? because they were more important to me than myself. Fast forward to now, they are 18 and 19 years old. Moved out, still throwing fits when I don’t help them, telling me I’m a bad mother, destroying my car interior, hitting me, threatening me if I don’t taxi them around (they have no car). I was diagnosed 2 years ago with diabetes. There are things I need to do now to take care of myself and I have not been able to, no rest ever. They are calling me all hours for rides. My body is giving up. I can feel it. They don’t care and have no respect for me. You know, they make me feel guilty because I can’t help them or I don’t help them, then out of sheer guilt, I help them. I am so run down, I can’t sleep, my relationship with my now husband is suffering big time because of this. I keep telling myself, one day they will wake up and realize what I’ve done for them and respect me. The day still hasn’t come, it’s only getting worse. I’m dying inside. My job is suffering from my lack of sleep. And all I can hear in my head, everyday, are both my daughters saying “I hate you mom, you are the worst mother ever, why don’t you just die from your diabetes!” Yes, that’s what I hear day in and day out.
Innocent Angel: my advice to you is to stop this NOW! Many of us have been going through this a bit longer than you, and I have learned a few things over the years. I decided that I am not going to let someone else control my happiness and health, including my son. I told my son, “I love you and will be here for you if you really need me, but you are NOT allowed to talk to me like that, EVER! I am your mother and until you will treat me with respect!” You need to start telling them NO!! Right now! No one can take advantage of you without your permission. They are adults now and must start taking care of themselves. When my son was 18, (he is now in his 30’s) he would stay up all night, sleep all day, and play video games constantly. He wouldn’t get a job, help out or anything. So finally, even though it broke my heart, I kicked him out. He got a job, started taking responsibility for himself and quit depending on (and demanding from) me.
Now, that being said, your daughters are angry and conditioned to treat you that way thanks to your ex. They need counseling but will not seek it out until they choose to get it on their own. (And it would help you too, it sure helped me after I escaped an abusive marriage!)
In the meantime, you need to take care of YOU!! And your husband. Cut the apron strings and make them take responsibility for themselves. Stop being their taxi and ATM. Tell them you love them but you will NOT allow them to treat you that way any longer! Period! And stick to your guns!! They will get angry and probably say mean things but when they start that crap,say “When you are ready to talk to me respectfully, like an adult, call me back.” And simply hang up on them. Just because we love our children enough to die for them does not give them the right to kill us with cruelty. I’ll be praying for you.
I feel your pain. I have 2 adult children. My daughter although claims she loves me and I believe she does with her interpretation of love. We just show, experience and feel love differently. My son is loving kind considerate. They are 4 years apart and close to each other, a blessing. My daughter and I have relationship struggles. She was the child that did not want as much cuddling as a baby. I was so happy to have a little girl and imagined A loving growing healthy mother daughter relationship. NOT SO. Just the opposite. Through the years…my daughter seem to detach from me. Breaking my heart early. When she was about 10 she had wrote in her diary that she hated me and wish her girlfriend at the time’s mother was her mother. It broke my heart and silently I wanted to find peace with that. She was healthy, loved, did great in school, was on the cheerleading team, gymnastics, church, had a wonderful home an Middle Glass life. I as a Mother was involved in their activities and provided their life sustaining needs. As she became older she began to have a rebellious spirit. When appropriate, I disciplined by taking away privileges. She became disrespectful and was determined she was not going to be obedient. She found a boy-friend or he found her. BAD NEWS. he was everything we choose not to do. I lost her. Until she got in a little trouble with the law. Guess who she called. This is a place in your life….you are so angry at them….yet relieved…..your hurt…..yet you want to protect them…..you are confused…yet realize we were not born into parenthood and do not have all the answers. We are living through this present time of being a parent. We are only getting one shoot at this. Scripture says that God saves all our tears and knows each one. He certainly has a mansion alone for the tears I have shed from my daughter. Ok….moving on. Many episodes have come. Since then. If I said Right it was always Left for her. No matter, she has to be in control. Have the last word and treats me like I am her equal..less her equal. She always has it all figured out. I have come to her rescue many times. Yet when I have been there for her. When her pieces are back together, she will close the door and walk away. “Ok mom don’t need you anymore, I will tell you when you can come back”
Currently, I am broken. Yes the heart does literally break. I don’t think I can piece it together again. My daughter is going through what should have been a simple divorce turned out to be anyone’s worse nightmare. She lives in another state, has two toddlers. The light of my life. I pray I will always be a part of their life. She a stay at home mom…left her career to stay at home with babies. My daughter told me that I was not to come and visit when the babies were born until she said it was ok. That hurt. She married a man with a diagnoised mental disorder. Against my desire for her, but knew it would be a dead end battle if I opposed. She never still doesn’t give me any respect for wisdom, knowledge and having my eyes wide open. Just the opposite. After 6 years of marriage and two babies. Her life starting going down the tubes. Hubby freaking out, refuses to do prescribed meds, fired from job. Guess who comes to the rescue! Hubby is so angry she is leaving he gets a Father’s Rights Attorney and child Custody Attorney to go after her and take the babies. OH NOT ON MY WATCH. My daughter called me and asked for my help. To the rescue I went. I left my peaceful home, husband to go stay with her for practically a year going back and forth. My life was for the grandbabies and her, financially, emotionally, physically. My retirement savings was being spent on attorney, living, babysitting. I had no time for myself. I understand stress and what it can do to a person. However, I also know Respect and Love. God forgive me if I have ever talked are treated my Mother the way my daughter did me through this. I know I did not, not EVER. I am thankful I never did. My daughter would yell at me if I asked her a question. Ignore me, talk disrespectful. Sometimes not engage with me at all. Many times she broke my heart. I kept my eyes on those two babies and they were the reason I was there to protect them from a person whom I knew would be able to manipulate the courts with his attorney and take 50% custody. Please know I am not against Fathers being in their children’s lives. It is healthy if the father is healthy and no harm to the children, especially if the children cannot take care of themselves. I hung on, praying and asking God to heal our relationship. Believing it would get better, that my daughter is maturing and understands a mother true heart and love. There is so much more to this story But I think you understand a parents heartbreak and pain. Our day in court the attorney I paid for, everything I gave freely. My daughter betrayed me in the court room. That day I realized my daughter has not changed towards me, she may never. She believes I am the problem. My guilt has consumed me. A light has turned on. I came home. I am in the process of healing. I have very little communication with her right now. I miss those grandbabies. She has broke my heart and do not believe she really truly loves me. She has used me. Somewhere in this journey of life I intend to find peace. I pray God will restore me. I no longer feel guilty that it is my fault. It’s not. We all get to choose who we love, who we want to be in relationship with. Especially when we become adults. God Bless all your Brokenness. Find your joy.
Why is it that all 3 of my grown and left home children seem to think that they have a right to expect more from me than i do of them?
My husband has spent a life time telling me what an amazing mum I have been . . . . maybe I have done too much!
I accept all of their lives and choices and have constantly been there when they need me I hate typing this as it sounds like i am blowing my own trumpet.
My husband has now retired and he has his interests one of which does not feel like it is me.
i want my own life my husband tells me not to work as he will lose some of his allowances from pension?11
All~ I truly believe there’s no heartache like your child (adult) hurting you. I’ve gone through just about everything you can imagine and the pain my daughter has put me through is beyond my imagination. As for “mom for life”. How old are your children? I’ve never hurt mine. I gave up to give to her. I moved to keep her safe. We sacrificed to make sure she was in catholic schools; Which she now uses against me. She says religion was shoved down her throat, so she will not go to church. She’s looking for a man with money. She’ll convert to his religion(Jewish or muslim) to make him happy, because it doesn’t matter to her what we are! Did I teach her that? To take religion and use it to manipulate? I maintained my marriage to one man, her father since I was 18. We had nothing when we got married but love, an apt and food. I never put money first. My family of origin was very wealthy and toxic. They tried to buy me off to leave her father. If I didn’t, I’d be disowned. I stayed and told them money cannot buy love. They never came to the wedding, nor paid for it.
My kid witnessed me care for my loved ones while they were ill and hold their hands as they left this earth. I made discisions no 26 year old should without support…or is prepared to, for their family members; feeding tubes, iv’s, PPN and when to pull life support. I didn’t think I had the right to do any of this. All when no one else would! I worked and went to school for psychology. I decided to receive education to try to aid in my chances that I’d never make the mistakes my family did; physical, emotional and abuses you couldn’t imagine. My biggest regret, I over compensated as a mom for my daughter, just to make sure I didn’t turn into my Mother. If we both needed something and I didn’t have the cash, I put my stuff back. I could have shown her once in a while others were important too. My daughter received top notch everything. Vacations, cheerleading, private coaches, dance classes, swim clubs brand new cars(while her dad drove ten yr old ones) sweet 16 parties. I tried though “MOM FOR LIFE”. If I saw a homeless man, we’d stop and buy him food, not just because it was the right thing to do, but because she needed to learn to give. Every year at Christmas we adopted a family so she knew it wasn’t about receiving. I rescued animals, I worked w/ groups for years. Then at 34, my health took a turn, I got sick, very sick(heart surgery etc) and the only thing I had energy for was her. She hated my illness, it took away from her being the center of attention. As she said, “it’s all about you now”. And “I just wish you’d die”. So you think that comes from me?? You think those words are from a young mom who started saving animals at 8? Who never hit or abused her child in anyway? No. Be very careful how judgemental you are. I was raised by the cruelest woman. At 4 she pretended at Lay on the floor and act dead to see how much I loved her. I didn’t know what dead was. I thought it was a game. I was beat for “not loving her enough”. Then my step dad beat me later, per her request, for being evil and nonloving. I knew at 6 to pray to God to make her a better mom and a kinder person. I also knew I’d never harm my babies like that. I’m diagnosed as “a survivor”, those who have the intellect to rise above their environments. To purposefully think their way out of their youth. Yet, I do get very irritated when people like you automatically, (online of course) judge, and make blanket statements. When you presume children pick up everything from their parents, think again! Some do, yes and we need to always be cognizant of how much they model us. Yet, adult child, make their own decisions to be(free will) who they are. Just as the Lord had clearly taught us(by the words in the bible) to act and chose who not to; can we blame our Heavenly Father when we act otherwise? Father?
As for the rest of you. God bless you. I know the pain that you struggle through in your hearts every day. There is no measure for it. For the Mom whose son is not calling. For the single Mom who struggle so hard and isn’t being acknowledged. For you all. I’m not sure when this started, is it this generation? I don’t know? I do know that for as much as we hurt, they will have a bigger Cross to bare when we are gone. I can only pray these “kids” fix their issues before then. As our therapist calls her and over entitled child….that is an compulsive liar. It still hurts, due to the fact it’s our first instinct to protect and defend. Yet, one day she’ll look in the Mirror,,as all of yours will, and say, “what am I doing”? Why do I keep up this game and for whom? Let’s all pray we can get on here on day for those happy shares. Until then, I’ll try to sheild my heart, pray and hope she stays safe. I’ll hope that for all of you. I never thought this is what Motherhood would turn into? I went to my husbands friends house last week, we couldn’t stay long. I knew as I hadn’t seen them since my daughter was little (they have daughters her age too) the questions would start. Of course their girls were perfect right? Yet I found it strange that they were partying with their kids. One 23 and the other 20… Not only that the kids had friends over that were drinking(all very drunk). The mom was saying, as they were doing shots and dancing together, what “pals and best friends” they were. She said that’s too bad about your daughter.,I guess maybe I’d have that with my daughter, if I acted like a 20something too. I just don’t think it’s appropriate. I’m her mom first, then her friend. I will not fall down on my principals to make her happy and compromise what I feel to be right for us. They can do what’s right for them. I won’t judge. If it works for them, maybe their girls can handle it. Not mine.
My 31 year old daughter only wants me around when “she” needs something or is in crisis. Whenever I invite her over, it’s “not a good time,” or she accepts but always bails at the last minute. I can’t tell you how many times she has broken my heart by cancelling on me but when “she” needs something it has to be answered with a “yes” or else she punishes me by giving me the silent treatment for “months!” I didn’t get to see my baby granddaughter for 5 months because I told her “no” when I couldn’t babysit. Because I am self-employed, she expects me to drop everything and take care of her or my granddaughter at a moments notice. I can’t do that. I have to work or I don’t get paid! Interestingly enough, she doesn’t pull this crap with her in-laws. She loves them because they go “over and above” with help for her and their son. She stated to me the other day that the “in-laws” always have a priority in her life over me. How mean, hurtful and cruel can you be? She is expecting a second child and from the moment she got pregnant, it was planned that I would be there to help her with the 3 year old and with the newborn. Well guess what? Now, the “in-laws” want to be there…. so, I am not dismissed and told I am no longer needed. This is after I rearranged all my clients and my entire summer vacation plans around the baby’s delivery …. I cleared the entire month of June for this and I’m now told, “we don’t need you now.” How am I suppose to react to this? How can I stop her from treating me this way? She doesn’t want me around unless it serves her needs. I don’t want to miss out on my grandchildren growing up but from what I’ve read above, it seems like I need to tell her “no” more and just let her give me the silent treatment??? Please help!
I am so amazed at the number of post on this site. How can children be so cruel? I myself have a similar story. My grown daughter rejecting me, threatening to not allow me to see my first grandchild. All because I questioned her choices and her dad and I are hurt because she has not been willing to hear us nor heal with us. She just left and now everything has to be on her terms. But we are tired. We have given and given. We have given her everything her whole life. I am wondering if she just needs to come to the end of her self. It is so hurtful to us. We have been great parents.
where can i get help, my son split from his partner 5 yrs ago after a very turbulent relationship, they have a little boy in 2005 who i was the overseere for as his mother was a heroin addict and had one child taken away by her parents,my dialema is,he has no attachment to his mum at all and tho social services and m s t therapist are working hard to try and get a bond with them, he still doesnt want to live with her and says he only feels loved and safe when he,s with me.i had him for 10 weeks 2014 when he was removed from his home by social services because he hadnt eaten for 2 days as she was coming down off crack,i decided after this period that if social services thought it was safe to return him to her, he is so very unhappyat home, loves being in school and loves being here,i am a ,fit 63 yr old, so what chances do you think iwould have of getting a residency order for him,just so i know he will be safe and away from a life living with a drug addict
i just found this site and am heartbroken reading all of the grief we as parents are going through. i have two adult children 29 and 25, a daughter who is responsible and hard working but treats me horribly and with no respect. this has gone on for a good 14 years, since she was a teen and rebelled in high school, getting herself into trouble with gang banging thugs, arrested, drugs, stripping, you name it. by the grace of god she had a son, the love of my life and the reason i press on daily, and that is what i believed saved her life and turned her around to get a degree, a good career, a home. she is a good mom. the father is a deadbeat thug gangster drug dealer. they are not together, he provides no support but is in my grandsons life as a bad influence. i am so worried about that little boy…i am a worrier and a fixer. some things cant be fixed. i have a son who was not a problem child, just plugged along in the background when his willful and emotional sister took up all of my energy. he made a mistake, a very bad choice, that is now causing him huge legal ramifcations and probably his good career. i am beside myself, one who is willful and treats me with disregard and spite on a daily basis, but who i keep going back to in order to be kicked again, mainly to stay in my grandsons life. i now am dealing with my son who is in the throws of the legal system and out of work, back home after being on his own for several years, and i am struggling, i am angry, i am soooo sad, i am despondent, i am depressed, i am hurt, i am unable to get unstuck from the codependency i have created with my adult children. my marriage to their father of 34 years is suffering. we are at each other due to our own ineffective coping skills. i want to live my life, i want to live by the “i didn’t cause it, i can’t control it, i am not responsible for another persons life, lies, destructive behaviors”… i want to let go and have peace but i can’t find that. i am literally sick to my stomach daily. this is not how i imagined my life…..work as a mom, work hard to instill work ethic, give, provide love, nurturing, financial support, education, on and on and on……and this is how it turns out….one who is a mean spirited spoiled hateful brat and one who is now floundering with potential jail and criminal record following him for life.
Before I read these stories I was very upset. I have 6 kids my oldest just had a baby in march of last year. I didn’t show her that I was unhappy about the pregnancy. She was going to be 19 when she would have baby. It could have been a younger age. So it made it a bit easier to accept the pregnancy cause she at least finished high school. She had ask me if her boyfriend to stay with us, and being the person I am, I invited him in as part of out family. He was a very promising young man. He had a vehicle, he needed a few credits to finish an A.A. from N.A.U. he had two jobs, he was in active participant in the navy, had an apartment. He seemed well rounded and good for my daughter. I let them know we would help watch the baby as long as they continued their schooling and worked and helped out around the house once in awhile. Well the first year he went to school while my daughter worked to support both of them while being pregnant. He apparently got let go from both his jobs and started to let his navey responsibilities slip away and did not want to so anything around the house.I had a talk with his grandmother to find out everything he accomplished was do to his parents pushing him. When baby was born I helped them take care of my grandson. I tried to let him be the daddy when my daughter would go to work, but he was just so rough with baby after 2 months. He would want to throw him up in the air. I would tell him not to so that because he could harm the baby. But of course he did not listen and I would notice that baby would sleep more often with him then he was with me. I startef to notice the tylenol would be used more than it was supposed to be. He would use words like”oh hes a dead baby”, when baby was asleep. Family members would say just keep notes of that and he was just an immature dad (21). But this immature dad should have known better since he just finished his C.N.A. I finally had enough of his lack of energy that he put forth. He left for two months and weaseled his way back into my daughter’s life. She asked if he could move back in and set some stricter guide lines b4 he moved back in. He did at least have a job . Well another 4 month’s and he convinces my daughter to move out with him. To cut to present time . I was feeling just horrible and heart broken wonderingwhere did I go wrong. They came to pick up baby tonight and I let them know he is sick that he has been throwing up and having the runns really bad and please make sure they would have patients with my little mijo, cause its not his fault that his poo comes out of his pamper, or that he just vomits anywhere. My daughter was going to leave him with his dad for the first time without any supervision. It worries me that his ignorance and pride may harm my grandson. But my daughter chose his decision than taking my advice.
Reading theses stories made me feel not so sad. Thank you everyone for letting me share my feelings and heartache with you.
At 10 my daughter was smoking, at 13 having sex, when I tried to stop her, she went to social services and lied to them about me and they believed her, they took all my 3 children away, her friend came to see me and told me that she did it because she wanted her freedom and most of her friends were in care so she wanted to join them because they are given freedom and DVD player, and money. I was so depressed, everytime I went to see them the lady officer would mock me telling me I have no one, no family, no friends, after the court case I was told I had lost my children forever, I felt suicidal, I had no one around me I travelled to Cuba to be with family, ten years later I felt able to go back to unite with my children, my daughter threatened me, turned the 2 others children against me, now they all hate me. She is my daughter and I have to love her but it’s hard, I have lost 3 children because of her actions, the pain I feel is undescribable. How can someone who is your child and family be so hateful? Please help me
After reading these comments, I feel both heartbroken for all of you, but also relieved that I am not the only person dealing with these feeling toward my child. I really need to get in touch with the Mother – “Melissa” who posted this. I know it’s a long shot given this is an older thread. Honestly, I feel like I could’ve written her post myself.
“Melissa says:
February 27, 2015 at 1:22 pm
I just wanted to say that I’m glad I found this page. I’m so sorry that you guys are suffering, but it is reassuring on some level to know that it’s not just me.
My 8-year-old daughter breaks my heart. She actually has broken my soul over the course of her short life. She has never been easy; in fact, when she was 3 I took her to a psychiatrist thinking there was no way he would diagnose her as anything less than sociopathic. He said she is normal, happy and seemingly well-adjusted.
Yet, almost every day she has made me feel like a bad mother, and as if I’m completely insane. I honestly believe that she tries to be well-behaved, but her own desires get in the way of that. What she wants ALWAYS comes before anything else, even if it is to her or someone else’s detriment.
It is hard not knowing other people who are suffering this way, not feeling as if I can speak freely about how it makes me feel, for fear of judgment. PC parenting has made it so that we’re not allowed to have feelings of resentment or regret toward our children. I’d love to speak to anyone who isn’t afraid to talk about how they actually feel.
In the mean time, massive hugs to you all. You deserve it.”
I wasnt a perfect parent but kept us clothed, fed and everything we needed. My daughter first turned on me when I got divorced, she was 15. She lied and testified against me. I overlooked that and supported her when she spent a ton of my money to move to Denver and left after a disagreement with a friend. I disliked her bf and at 23 she had my grandson. Bottom line, she has lived with me more than she hasnt which included her husband and new baby. I just stopped communicating with her as her husband and her treat me terrible, do nothing but talk behind my back while taking my charity money so they could pay bills. All while her and her husband smoke tons of cigarettes. My grandson watched his Christmas tree taken down as they moved in with me a week before Christmas and tossed their tree. My grandson is 10 and I have only seen him through his Dad (her ex boyfrind) and realize he treats me as bad as she did always asking for money. I am going to lose a grandchild that cries for me and who I miss every day. My daughter tells him terrible things about me including she will not attend my funeral. I dont understand how my daughter cant see that hating her own Mom only sets the stage for her children to hate her. I wish there were more grandparents rights in my state. I cant change what my daughter feels.
I DECIDED TO WRITE MY FEELINGS ABOUT WHAT ITS LIKE TO HAVE PAIN SO DEEP THAT BREATHING IS A STRUGGLE AND TEARS SO HOT THEY BURN AS THEY FALL.
I KNOW EVERY MOTHER WILL KNOW WHAT I’m TALKING ABOUT WHEN AND IF THEIR CHILD STEPS OUT OF THE FAMILY…
WHATEVER WAY IT HAPPENS DOESNT MATTER BECAUSE THE SPACE IS JUST AS EMPTY AND THE HEART IS JUST AS BROKEN.
IS THERE A MOTHER OUT THERE THAT HAS A DANGLING CORD THAT BLEEDS FOR A CHILD? IS THERE A DAY THAT COMES WHEN THE CORD NO LONGER DRAGS ON THE GROUND CAUSING SHOCK WAVES WITH EVERY STEP. IF SO IM WAITING FOR THAT DAY..BECAUSE YOU SEE , I AM A MOTHER IN PAIN. I AM A MOTHER WAITING FOR THE PHONE TO RING AND HEARING “HI MOM, IT’S ME” THERE IS ALWAYS A BEGINNING, MIDDLE AND END TO EVERYTING. I KNOW THAT , EVERYONE KNOWS THAT. BUT WHEN YOU ARE IN THE MIDDLE PART, WAITING FOR SOMETHING, ANYTHING THAT WILL EASE THE GUT WRENCHING PAIN , THAT,S WHEN YOU GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES AND PRAY TO GOD TO GIVE YOU STRENGTH TO GET THROUGH THIS UNTIL YOU HEAR. “HI MOM, IT’S ME”
P.S.
I WANT EVERYONE THAT READS THIS TO KNOW, THAT MY PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED “FOR ME,, YES, FOR ME. I FINALLY ,THROUGH PRAYER , HAVE BEEN GIVEN A HEALING. THAT IS TO SAY MY SON CAN NO LONGER HURT ME .. IT HAS TAKEN 10 YEARS BUT I NO LONGER HAVE THE PAIN. I AM AT PEACE WITH MY LIFE WITHOUT HEARING ” HI MOM IT’S ME. “. I LEARNED TO LET GO AND LET GOD, AND THATS WHAT HAPPENED. GOD STEPPED IN AND SAID “Hi MOM,ITS ME GOD… I DIDNT PUT YOU ON EARTH FOR YOU TO ALLOW A CHILD OR ANYONE ELSE TAKE AWAY YOUR HAPPINESS OF LIFE. I WILL HANDLE THIS. AND HE DID. MY PRAYERS ARE FOR ALL THE HURTING MOMS TO READ THIS AND KNOW THAT WE CANT FIX EVERYTHING, OPEN YOUR HEART AND TALK TO GOD ,TELL HIM YOUR PAIN AND THEN LET IT GO. BUT REALLY AND TRULY LET IT GO. YOU WILL RECIEVE A STATE OF PEACE IN YOUR LIFE THAT YOU NEVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE. AND WOW, IT FEELS SO GOOD.
Oh, gosh…. I pray that God will stretch our his arms.. and gather us ALL in pain and dry our tears…. Oh, how deeply sad this all is… I’ve been there.. then i read where Anne Landers said many years ago that 70% of people would never have children again if given choice and that is sooooo very sad. I love my beautiful talented, successful girls but they’ve said the most hurtful things to me and I have NEVER said said a hurtful thing to them.. the ONE thing I did was GIVE TOO MUCH… yep, that was a mistake. It can creat Narcissm… So today i PRAY for God’s hand upon it all and for healing and restoration and peace and love.. that’s all I can do now.. they are in their 30’s.. God bless and protect you ALL… You are NOT alone and I wish I could have you ALL over.. I’d make us a giant cake and put the coffee on.. we’d be laughing by the end of the evening.. really! As sad as it is.. we MUST find our OWN JOY ASIDE FROM THEM!!
Love to you ALL…..
My heart breaks for you all. It breaks for the child I raised and the child that will never probably come back to me. Just as all of you know deep down yours have changed too. We hope, we pray and when the phone rings we hold our breath that there one day will be that, “I’m sorry Mom, I’ve been soooo wrong”. Will we ever hear those words? I don’t know. What I do know is the therapist told my husband and myself we need to do this every single time she calls and is abusive…”This is NOT acceptable behavior” and hang up immediately. As he explained we DID NOT cause this, we DID NOT abuse her and WE DID NOT create this person. She chooses to act like a disrespectful person. She cannot get along with anyone, and she only comes back to her parents because we are the only ones that will put up with it. Yes, it is our parental nature to, when they scream and throw tantrums to try to calm them down, but that is long gone when they were babies. They are now adults. We now should just shut it down, otherwise they will and do get away with it.
Just as all of you, I love my daughter, but love is now to show her proper behavior, not continue to let her mistreat me. Now that my husband doesn’t allow it, she tells him to eff off too. It’s terrible to watch him be treated that way. None of us deserve it. I will pray for you all. There is nothing like a broken heart from the one who heard yours beating from the inside:( Blessings all!
Catherine Todd, you are spot on! I received my undergrad degree in psychology and I thought Freud was a crock of sh*t. First off, we have progressed in every area, but in Psychology we are still studying theories from ancient, real ancient philosophers. He had mommy issues and was a drug addict. I dropped out of the clinical psy program (Masters) because I stopped believing in it. I went into the Bereavement Counseling Program for Hospice.
Thank you for your helpful and kind words.
Thank you Leah…. my daughter is the same, and it breaks my heart the way she speaks and blames me for everything , the lies the cursing she is 30 and nothing has ever changed. It give it to God and pray.
I have help her with everything, I have read the comments of others and believe or not, I thought it was just me going through this.It is so sad that my daughter has to act this way when we have given and tried to help her. But I see now that, that’s the problem. I get cursed lower than a dog and have even stop communicating with her, then she wrecks her car and the drama beings again. When is enough? I can’t do this any longer and don’t want to. And as she sees it I am the worst mother of the world,she continues to tell me that she hates me every chance she can , but always needs help… she can;t keep a job lives with my elderly mother and tell her she can’t make her leave…we are really torn up about and yes i blame myself. But i do know what I allow to continue will and I choose not to continue to in enable her. So if that makes me the world worst mother so be. Thanks for sharing your issues with your children, because I feel so alone out there.
I have 3 adult children who are all estranged. My oldest has lied to many about his life at home and claims to be a victim of mom treats them better. My oldest daughter is so full of hate and discontent. She controls by taking my grandkids way. My youngest daughter had the best teacher ( her sister) and also takes my kids away to “Teach me a lesson” for no other reason than ones she dreams up. My son has tried to take his son away from me but my grandsons mom wont allow it(she has physical custody). they aren’t together and she is all for my grandson knowing me and tells him he doesn’t make the decisions for her. Its nice that I have my grandson in my life along with his brother and sister ( I claim all 3 as my grandkids) but I have 5 grandkids by my oldest who lives 2 a state away and 2 by my daughter who lives 3 blocks away. I want to go to my grandsons bus stop and see him when he get on the bus and also my granddaughter who I know will be there too. Police have told me she cannot stop me. I sometimes wonder do I just let go and stop battling to be a gramma or continue this repeated cycle of them being brought back when she needs something then taken away when she feels she has life figured out.