"Children Who Break Your Heart": A Reader Asks for Your Advice

At the Legacy Project, we’ve asked over 1200 of the oldest and wisest Americans for their advice about how to solve life’s problems. In this post we ask: How do you deal with children who break your heart? For advice on this topic and much more, see the bestselling book 30 Lessons for Living: Tried and True Advice from the Wisest Americans.

In an earlier post, one of the Legacy Project elders shared her mixed feelings about having children. Loraine,89 , talked about accepting both the joy and the pain children can bring. She stated: “If you don’t have children now, when you have them you will have these moments.  When you look at them and your heart – it’s like your heart takes all the pain and all the love for them that you have.”

We just received a comment on that post from one of our readers, who would like your advice:

What about when your children are disappointments? I would like to hear how parents handle situations when their most loved children are cause for a broken heart? Comments please!

We asked some experts for their advice, which you can find here.

Can you help? Does anyone have advice for overcoming the heartbreak children can sometimes cause? Please share your comments!

282 thoughts on “"Children Who Break Your Heart": A Reader Asks for Your Advice


  2. Christine my situation is so similar. I’ve brought up my 22 year old son by myself and we’ve always been close. He’s had girlfriends before but we remained close. Now he has taken up with a 30 year old woman who acts like a child, is used to getting her own way, constantly messages him. He never used to smoke, now he does. Plus this woman spends much mor money than she earns, is always going to cocktail and champagne bars. My son has changed so much since he has been with her. When he comes home he treats me like dirt, and only ever texts when he wants something. He rarely reads the texts I send him, much less responds. It is breaking my heart and I don’t know what to do about it

  3. My heart breaks i been a wonderful mom to all my children but for some reason my oldest just has such hatred for me but he is so closer to his grandmother which is my mother i don’t know what I done to get treated in this area my heart shreds such tears if you can give me something to change please do so. Thanks!

  4. My daughter ran away a bunch of times as a teen, called cps on me twice, just for laughs-I have letter of apology from cps and although was investigated twice. Child Protective Services found absolutely nothing but a spoiled mean teen. oh and the best was when she was 11 and a pre-teen calling to report me to cps because a)she could and thought I deserved it and 2) wanted to know what foster care was like. She had friends driving over to my home telling me that they would adopt her. She says the most vile, hateful, untrue things about me and has hit me, run at me, and threated to harm me.
    She took off for good the day before I was to have major high risk surgery and did not bother to stick around to help me when I was able to get out of the hospital, instead she hitchhiked up to nyc with her b/f to do heroin. She than rode trains around and did drugs, ended up in jail, all kinds of garbage, but would never call or check to see if I was alright.
    I worked like a dog for her, her whole life, put her in private schools (that took 2 jobs) and made sure she had EVERYTHING, I wanted to have at least what I had, and she had much more. She skipped all of high school and snuck off to get high and have sex at her boy friends house, she thought it was funny when I had to miss work to get called to her school because she stopped going, or had to pick her up from juvenile detention.
    She has never worked a day in her life, she gets high, and now I find out she is an “escort” on Craig’s list for $ to get high. She drags around her 2 1/2 y/o who I watched for a few weeks, but it made her jealous because he was happy with me, and was having fun. She makes a point of telling anyone who pisses her off they will never see him again, this she has done twice to me.
    She had drained me constantly from what little money I have, she takes food from my home and leaves me with nothing, she does not care one bit if I am hurt or need help, she is a total user.
    She could not be nastier to me, except when she wants something, I am disabled and I have a case coming up, she expects a down payment or 2 years for rent and lots of cash, I would be happy to help, but with all that has gone on, I think I would be her “patsy” again and she would make sure I would get stuck paying all her bills since she is too good to work a job, well except the sex for money for drugs thing.
    I love my grandson but she has kept him from me yet again, my father died in Jan, and the day we did his ashes she didn’t go, she left looking for drugs instead. She is covered in tattoos and dresses in skimpy, I don’t even know what to call this look, thigh high socks and tiny dresses etc. I am so angry I cannot even sleep.

  5. In reading so many mother’s posts I realize I am not alone when it comes to feeling the emptiness of being placed on the sidelines of your adult children’s lives, despite the years of devotion, love and respect given to them. I too spent countless hours trying to understand where I went wrong for our relationships to have gotten to where they are now and perhaps it is too personal a matter for clarity to prevail in giving me the answers I look for. I feel to a large degree however, I should have not hidden when my children were younger all the struggles it took to make their lives go full circle instead of feeling I needed to hide those things from them, should have let them know those times when their comments or actions really hurt instead of feeling I needed to hide that too, allowed them to feel the work of being a family member instead of over compensating because I felt the lost in not having their father there for them. I feel I created spoiled and selfish children who now have grown into self centered adults. Hard to write that comment. So for me although it is such heartache that all I wanted between us is not there and that all the good I had wished for them especially now in their adult years is also at such a compromise I will resolve to continue to hope and pray for them. I pray that they grow as better people in experiencing the trials and tribulations of their own choices and perhaps in doing so gain the vision of the devotion of their families. If I should continue to imprison myself in my hurt and anxieties I throw away hope for them and for me. I create a wall where I surely don’t want one. The emotions I am working through are taking a lot of tears and hard work and finding the “tools” to continue to heal and grow from this experience is ongoing. For me spiritual guidance felt like such a life line and I do feel that finding a good counselor or the “right fit” counselor is important but that has not been easy and being on a budget adds to that hurdle. So I have taken a break to try to allow myself time to try to heal on my own and a time to find some answers on my own and the efforts are difficult but an every day labor in my life. I feel that praying for them is important and praying for myself as well. I can’t do this alone or without God’s help and I have seen his steady hand helping guide me. I do want to say on the onset I fell to my knees and cursed at God for in all that life had brought me I never dreamed I would have also had to go through this horrific pain. I felt shame in my abuse to my faith and to God and that quickly passed. Please keep God close to you too and use that strength to help you seek guidance in moving forward and recognize that counselors are people too and their comments are relative and if they don’t feel right to you find that one person out there whose views do feel progressive for you. Staying stuck is the sink hole of the despair is a place none of us want to remain. I hope in sharing this may help someone out there. Each of us comes out of this trial in our own way and although I surely don’t have all the answers I have found that pieces of the advice and experiences others have shared with me have collectively added to my own personal strength and growth. So maybe what I have learned may help just one of you and one of you is just fine because I know the value of a life and a soul and those times spent alone in so much hurt. You want in the end I think the only thing we are looking for and that is respect and giving it to ourselves is right and reflecting that so invaluable to rebuilding a healthier and perhaps in time a stronger relationship. My deepest respect to everyone of you. May all of us come thru this victorious. : )

  6. I have posted earlier in a July 2015 post and I have been reading others’ situations. But CATHERINE TODD’S posts are the advice I follow myself and would suggest others consider. There is simply no other way to deal with disrespectful ADULT children than to take the stance that CATHERINE and myself have shared. I truly believe that WE DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS. As I stated earlier in my post, I don’t believe that ‘blood is thicker than water’ in every situation. I simply don’t believe that and refuse to buy into it. I am 60 years old and have a long time girlfriend that has always been MUCH kinder and loyal to me than my daughter could have ever hoped to have been. I have taken it and taken it. The constant taking and never giving. The low blows and disrespect. THEN…when I turned 60 in July 2015, I made a conscience decision NOT to take it anymore. And I’m NOT. And honestly? I feel better than I have in 41 years. My daughter was and is a spoiled brat that gets along with nobody in life very well. Until I start getting some respect, I don’t need to talk to her again. And that means the rest of my life if need be. It’s as simple as that. Good luck to you all. :)

  7. Christine, we choose our friends but we do not choose our children. Sometimes, due to genes, they come out so opposite of the way we raised them. If you met your child on the street you would not like her nor want to be her friend. My daughter is almost 30 now, got married without telling me, had a baby without telliing me, and it’s been over 4 years of this. She is my only child. I just pretend now that I never had a child. Mine was spoiled too and admits that I was a loving mother to her, but won’t give a reason why she is not speaking to me. I stopped trying to force money on her a long time ago. I hope you stop giving that little brat money. She is just using you and does not care about you. Mine doesn’t care about me either, as she knows how much alone I am without her. Please don’t give them what they want; they don’t deserve any more.

  8. Well folks, I guess – I am one of the ‘Children Who Break Your Heart’. Sorry to say – I didn’t ask to be ‘Born’ but I’ve always felt, as if I deserved to be ‘Loved’ by my biological parents. I could have really used the moral support, if nothing else – through out my very existence but apparently, your lives were much more important then mine. No hard feelings, Mom and Dad but I don’t think you should expect the ‘Very Best’ of me, especially , since you didn’t feel the need to share the ‘Very Best’ of you with me. I’m sorry, let me re – phrase that: When you didn’t feel the need to share any of your very important lives with me. Guess What Though: FATHER GOD MADE ME HIS CHILD!!!! I AM A CHILD OF THE MOST HIGH KING AND I AM SO VERY MUCH SO GRATEFUL!!!!

  9. Hi, christine,
    It sounds reallt awful what life your daughter lives. Im sure there is moments she misses you and would change if she had the right support. I think you may need to cut off the money and offer cuddles instead. Being there for her emotionally sounds to me what she is needing the most, as rebelling and leaving school perhaps may be for attention. I feel your issues may be something you are not coping with either, and need outside support, instead of needing your daughters compassion -reach out for another adult as placing your life and disability on her isnt fair…. She really has too much to cope with. I do have a disability so i know how isolating and hard it is, but our children shouldnt be responsible for us…. Tell her you would like her to understand though…. I believe a parent should always be there for their children, but be firm and request she speaks with kindness. If she is placing your granson at risk, call child authorities, he deserves more.

  10. I can hear the pain, and frustration of parents. I have an adult daughter who has been emotionally abusive for a long time. I could never compete with the gifts her dad brought her every time he picked her up for visitation. Guess who has a sense of entitlement now? At 34, she is living with him again, and I still can’t compete with him. They took me to court when she was around 10 because I couldn’t compete with his parents money.
    Long story short, manipulative dad with wealthy parents won custody, though they found nothing to warrant it, other than he was living in a house with his mom’s best friend, and me in just a lowly apartment. Thereby, reinforcing the idea to my daughter that money is more important than being loved, and healthy.
    My now 34 year old daughter is emotionally abusive, unstable, and has no confidence in herself. She lives with her dad again, and is very insecure. She knows what he is like now, but she said, “It’s what I know.” Of course, she doesn’t pay rent, and is like a teenager/doing battle with the part that wants to be an adult. What I am saying is, our kids know when they have an issue. Mine happens to be ignoring signs, because she has no confidence. Her life is incapacitated by her own choice. I am moving to another state, and she is angry. She says she is supportive, but she is not. She suggested I follow her in to a very rural area where no jobs are, because she wants her family all around her. But I will not live my life according to what she thinks I ought to do. I love her tons, but I have to live my life according to what is healthy for me. Truthfully, our kids need to find confidence in themselves, and sometimes the hardest thing for us to do is to live our lives. My daughter has been estranged from me for years, and now she consciously chooses a life that is hurting her. I don’t know what I can do, but to live my life. Her dad is an enabler, and I am the strong parent, who has gotten over guilt about living my own life. We all are figuring this thing called life out. We can love them, but we must go on living, or we get lost.

  11. I felt ashamed, lost, disappointed and betrayed when my baby girl, who will be 44, soon, told me I was dead to her. She has not spoken to me since 2010. I tried to reach out to her several times before she blocked me

    The first year was the worst. I cried more tears than I even knew I had. I went into a deep depression
    But I still reached out. I contacted her friends on FB but they never accepted my messages. I couldn’t believe she meant what she said to me. It took two more years to give up on her. I had to.

    I tell any parent that after we raise them and they leave. Our job is done. Has nothing at all to do with loving them. My mother said when you birth a child, you don’t know what you’re bringing into the world. So true. Nobody could have made believe my child would disown me. But, she did.

    It will be slow and hard to detach from your child. You will ring every ounce out of hoping one day it will be like it was again.bad a mother, I have forgiven my child. All I want to do is see her, touch her, but this wish does not own my waking hours or my dreams as it once did.

    I have finally learned to live for me. She visits my headband I’ve heard hervoice, her laugh, or seen ssomebody who reminds me of her. I saw a picture of a young girl in a swing who looked just the way she did growing up. I’ve carried it four years bnow. I don’t even look at it anymore. But it gives me peace knowing if I want to, I can look at this stranger and see my child.

    If you have a relationship with God, or any spiritual connection, go to a place and just be, just breathe, you and no thoughts and bring inner peace. It takes practice. I found solace in drawing and painting.

    I wish you peace.

  12. My son, soon to be 20, was alienated from me by his father when he was 14. Dad played friend so no matter how much I fought he refused to come for his visits. I had to file a FINS order to make him attend school, on a wing and a prayer, he graduated high school. We have had touch and go moments but when my mom was dying he didn’t make the effort to come see her. He was 17 when he met up with his gf who was 28! They are still together,she has children from another relationship who he plays soccer dad with. She, the gf, is manipulative and worse than his father was, she is very immature. They have both said awful things about me and he never calls or comes by. I tried welcoming the gf, giving gifts last Christmas but she still kept him busy and away from me and his little brother. My heart is breaking for a son I haven’t had the opportunity to finish raising and now to see him as a hateful adult is even worse.

  13. If I knew what parenthood was like before I had my children, I would not have had them. Or, I would have had artificial insemination and raised them myself. Trying to co-parent with a person that does not respect you, and treats you like dirt is impossible, and the children who come from that relationship, regardless of how well you speak of their father, will not love and respect you, because they have been brainwashed. I was the best mother I could be, I tried my hardest to make sure they were raised with love and security. But none of them will speak to me, or wants to have a relationship with me, because of what their father has told them about me (lies).

  14. I have just read about 20 posts, and I had to admit I feel numb. But I would also like to thank everyone that has shared their stories of their adult children. I have a 26-year-old son and just thinking of him brings tears. My husband and I we’re very young when we had our son. But he was raised very large loving extended family. He was given every opportunity in the world to do what made him happy.
    I could go on and bring myself to tears while writing this but I won’t. I just want to thank all the other heartbroken parents of adult children for making me feel not so alone.

  15. I hear the same complaints and feel their pain, I’m a divorced father after 27 years of marriage and two wonderful children. All raised in a Christian home. The wife filed a no fault divorce 3 years ago. She claimed God called her to be a missionary and took my daughter with her. My Son stayed with me until he married. My daughter married and didn’t invite me to the wedding. Now I’ve made mistakes as any father or husband has. I sought counseling and joined a christian divorce support group. All in order to get over the depression, pain and to be the type of father my God wants me to be. The problem lies with the ex-grandmother who is an enabler. My children spend more time with her because she showers them with money and gifts. My children spend very little time with me. I’ve invited them to spend time have lunch , movies, shopping what ever. As long as I visit them at the grandmothers house they’ll find the time. Holidays, birthdays, dinners, and family trips have been shared with the grandmother. Never do they just want me along. All the years of school, sports and church activities I spent with them is meaningless to them. You raise, love nurture and sacrifice for them just to have them all but abandon you when you need them the most. I’ve asked where is God in all this and why do I try so hard to be what he wants me to be. My children adore the ex-wife and grandmother more than I. I may never get the love and respect I’d like from them. I refuse to compete,will always love them as they are my children. Some day God will right the wrongs. So I keep on trying. The best I can do is love and pray for them.

  16. My story is like the others on this site. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent. Haha. My son is now 28 years old. I was a single mother and raised him alone from age 1 to age 13. When he was 13, I remarried. We moved to Texas in hopes of giving him a better life. He did not adjust well to sharing his mother. He started using drugs. In 2004, after he had overdosed numerous times and many trips to the E.R., we sent him to a Christian boys/ rehab school. He was away for 7-8 months. He was clean, sober and happy when we brought him home. He got his GED while he was away. When he returned home, he started community college about an hour north of us and lived on campus. He was 17 (almost 18). We paid for a semester, bought him a nice car and trusted that he was mature enough to take school and life seriously. That was a fail. He met a girl there and life has never been the same. They both partied, got kicked out of school and then moved in together. I begged him to come back home. I warned him that she would get pregnant and trap him. Not to sound like a snob or better than anyone else– I knew her type. It wasn’t long before she was pregnant. They had their first child when they were 18. Got married when the baby was almost a year old. Long story short — overtime we turned around, she was pregnant. They now have three children whom I love dearly with all of my heart. The kids are now 9, 7 and 6. Mom and Dad are still together through many struggles. We pay their rent while Mom is in nursing school. I do not want my grandkids in government housing. Her nursing school program was a one year program. That was four years ago. Three times she has either flunked out or been kicked out. My son’s education is on hold till she completes her schooling. I go to their home every morning at 6:45 a.m. to see the kids off to school while Mom goes to school and dad goes to work. I’m there again in the afternoons when kids get home. My life is consumed helping with grandkids. I’m 56 years old and this is wearing me out. I feel if it was the least bit appreciated that things would be better but it’s not. It’s all expected of me. They treat me like trash. My husband and I pay for their rent, the kids’ soccer, dance classes, clothes, and school bus transportation, etc… We’re never thanked for any of this. All of it might not be so bad if I wasn’t so disrespected. They talk to me like I’m nothing. I’m called names and treated horribly. My son actually told me once (in a drunken state) that I’m a worthless piece of shit that’s only good for money. This is, of course, devastating to me because he at one time, actually loved and respected me. I’m so tired. Tired of being called names, tired of being only called when they need something, etc…. I would cut all ties if not for the grandchildren. If my husband knew how they talked to me and treated me, he would be livid. At what point do I quit?? I don’t deserve this. I’m so heartbroken.

  17. My daughter will be 25 in November. Just when I think she has finally grown up, she reverts to her rude, cruel, immature, little self, and directs cruelties my way in a snide voice that she reserves exclusively for me, usually in the presence of an audience. Naturally, she calls me every time she wants something (usually help resolving one of her trivial, self-created little “problems”). Having just spent the past weekend with her, I am in no hurry to do it again, and wish she would drop her sense of entitlement and her “attitude”, and furthermore, she is a dull, uninteresting person and I am so tired of her verbal abuse.

  18. Hi
    Is this group still active so that I may be able to tell my story and get feedback? Its pretty heartbreaking going thru this

  19. Ariana, and others… My heart goes out to you especially. I had a son and daughter from a 27 year marriage where their father was a controlling, manipulative, verbal abuser, subject to barely controlled fits of rage. Fortunately he never beat me up physically, but he came close. So instead he used words like weapons. The depth of that heart pain was indescribable.
    As for the kids, my daughter (youngest) learned is OK, and learned well how to avoid such a relationship. But my son, being the eldest, was exposed to this treatment all his childhood and up through early adulthood, when I FINALLY woke up and sought divorce. Ladies, it is a big mistake to stay in a bad marriage for the sake of the kids (as I did). I thought I was doing the right thing by keeping the kids with both parents til they graduated. I was told it was “God’s Will” that marriages don’t end. But all that accomplished is that my son now only knows one way to treat women, and since he can’t form or keep relationships, it is especially directed at me. No matter how much I do for him or try to love him back to “normal”, i always backfires and ends with him trying to control and manipulate me emotionally – just like Dad!
    So IF YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP, involving any kind of abuse or psychologically controlling and manipulative behavior, name calling, cutting down, undermining, or any combination (especially violence!), then GET OUT NOW. Don’t wait for things to change. You’re only making it worse for yourself and your children by prolonging the divorce. Be strong!

  20. I can’t help but wonder how many of these posts are from genuinely loving bewildered parents who are truly hurting over the children who’ve cut contact with them and how many are from narcissistic manipulative cruel parents who know exactly why their children want nothing to do with them and are playing victim for attention.

  21. It’s now been 2.5 years since my 25 year old daughter has spoken to me. She and her husband are having a daughter in January 2016. I have a step-grandson from their marriage. Her choice has been both very painful for me and a great gift!

    I have been able to see just how co-dependent I was with her. After all, I came from a family of addicts and am one myself. Please, find Melody Beattie’s book, “Codependent No More” and it will help you greatly if you apply the principles of it. If your children are addicts, then you have something to learn about yourself. I’ve also seen that it is o.k. for us to be separated. She owes me nothing and I owe her nothing. I chose to raise her to the best of my ability and she grew up to the best of her ability. Now she is an adult. This may or may not be a phase in her life. Maybe she’ll never talk to me again, but she does send cards that her step-son makes for me on mother’s day and birthdays, so that’s something, right? I text or call and send reasonable gifts to my grandchildren (not to them, nor do I send money).

    Here’s what I know for sure: We are all children of God, some of whom don’t recognize this in themselves at all. My journey with my daughter has been to learn how to love myself and know how much Source loves me. That’s her journey, too, even if she chooses not to take it. I can’t force her. If all I can do for myself is to find one little thing that makes me happy, like petting my dog, I do that and let go of thinking about her. Now, I know she’s a good person, and I am happy for her and wish her well. I don’t know what will happen if we ever see each other again, but I do know that I am a completely different person from the one I was last time we spoke and my hope is that she would want to get to know that person. If she treats me the same way as before, eg., never saying thank you, not returning calls, rolling her eyes, not communicating, etc., I’m not sure I would want to be around her much. I have friends who love me and treat me well and I feel good when I am around them. I know I will be treating her differently as well. No controlling behavior or telling her what to do or offering her solutions to her problems, or doing for her when she can do for herself, etc.

    So, blessings to all of you. It has been helpful for me to stop focusing on her and focus on making myself happy. For me, that means that I stop talking about how she “done me wrong” and talk about all the good that I see in the world and in myself. Call me a pollyanna if you like, but it works. All the best, Kat.

  22. Our son is 28 years old and recently married, he lives and works abroad. He’s been very successful. We supported every opportunity that came his way and made things happen for him as far as we were able to. We put his needs first and were so proud of all his achievements. And yet…. he’s in the last few years become hostile, disrespectful, and contemptuous of us. When he occasionally visits or stays with us he creates a negative vibe…and these days we no longer look forward to his visits. He rarely phones, but does text as it’s ‘efficient’, he behaves as if he’s ashamed or shamed by us or as if we’ve done something terrible to him….which we haven’t (well we have no awareness of what it might be). The hurt and pain that is caused is terrible, and to protect ourselves we now avoid contact, and even this is wrong apparently ….so we can’t win. Help….

  23. My daughter is a compulsive liar has been in therapy as a teenager but at 23 she does not go. She flunked out of college got involved with someone 14 years older than herself got pregnant they robbed and vandalized my home and left for another state only days before her due date. After two years of strained relationship my husband and I purchased them a small stater home in the area just so we would have the chance to see our granddaughter never gotten a thank you anything and now son in law is not permitting is to see granddaughter. I can honestly say for my own sanity I don’t want my daughter in my life

  24. Wow reading these statements it sounds like I can add nothing new. I am beyond heartbroken and cried so much but I think I have figured it out. The more I tried to give my son the best life, I spoiled him. He is a marine and was home on leave with his girlfriend and I didn’t see him much. He have always been close and I told how he was out and running around I just wanted one night with the. But nah the friends came first. I don’t him I am only disposable to him. Only when he can benefit, that’s how it
    Feels even tho he denies it. I feel so alone that I am numb. He has broken my heart so bad and acts like he doesn’t care. All he says is “sorry”

    Well sorry doesn’t mean anything. He always says sorry. It’s his escape goat. You say it when I try and change your ways but he doesn’t. I feel I have lost him to his new life and he doesn’t care. I don’t know how to deal other then cry. He breaks my heart so bad. I told him it will take me dying before he realizes what I have done and it won’t matter at that point. Trying to move on but I get jealous when I see the closeness of others and their adult children. All I have done was love and did my best for him. Have made so many sacrifices and for what???! To be forgotten and not included in his life anymore. I love him to death but had i known it was gonna be this way and me forgotten, I’d much rather not had him. I don’t want to take over his life, just a hey mom I love you or a small surprise to know I mean something would be nice is all I’m saying. I am getting to drained and emotionally exhausted for this anymore. Just gonna back off and let him live his life. People tell me they always come back around but I don’t know if I believe that. I did the best I could do and only want to be a part of his life. That’s all

  25. I have been hurt many times by my daughter and son…the most recently from my son saying I don’t do anything. At 65 I can pretty much do what I want. I have told both kids they need to think about how their kids might treat them…secretly I hope they have the same issues and will remember how they treated me. I hate to sound angry and hurt. But karma does have a way of doing to others.

  26. Yep. I hear all these stories…and understand. My kid, 18 has mental health issues, fair enough…but I look at her and think WHO IS THIS PERSON?? She has lied, stolen and dresses like a tramp. I have no idea who this person is…is this my kid? How did her values get so different from mine? Unlike others on this site though, she is still very close to me, and does not disrespect me in any way…to my face anyway. She disrespects me every time she gets drunk, stoned or lies to me. She says one thing, but then sneaks around and does the opposite.
    I have set some boundaries with her and IT FEELS GREAT! One of them is: dress like you want at your home ( she attends school…well, she is on the registration of a school..but hardly goes) but when you come to my house you will dress in a way that does NOT make me feel uncomfortable. I dont, in fact want to see your breasts.!!!! She didnt ‘get it’ and argued, but I HAVE HAD ENOUGH. For 19 years its been about HER HER HER HER HER. I run around, try to fix her, sort her out, get her this and that, work with her, for her, and I GET NOTHING in return. ENOUGH. I have had enough. I am sick of her and her issues and her demands and her dysfunction. Yes she has mental health issues, but that doesnt mean she needs to do heroin, drink, and live a lifestyle that is NOT how she was raised. She can do whatever she wants at HER place, but at my place, she obeys my rules or she can not come back.
    I am done being her patsy. BOUNDARIES!! they feel friggin GREAT.

  27. i too have a grown child who hates me…over 10 yrs now and she is 41 and my granddaughter is 21. it does not get better over the years, the hole is there and it just gets darker. i have gone thru so many feelings and none seems to be the right one.
    what is the confusing is my mother just died and she was a horrible mother but i was there for her over the years, it is the way of the universe, i did not like my mother and was abused my whole childhood, most memories hide in the recesses of my mind in a box…but…i still took care of things.
    my daughter hates me and has told me so and told my granddaughter that i am dead.
    I am at the point where my health is getting worse, I am in my 60’s and the hurt is incredible…it is a reality that i will die without seeing my daughter. Depression is my companion.
    What amazes me is the capacity of people to hurt people…it is power, you break someone’s heart and let them bleed out…this is not the sweet little girl i gave birth to
    i read some of the other stories and i am amazed at the hatefulness in people.
    I do not believe it matters why/what happened….to hate someone and let them know they are hated is awful….
    with my mother i set boundaries and got away from her as an adult to be safe physically/mentally but i NEVER hated her…the more bitterness/hatred/anger etc that i felt was within me, what is that old saying ” acid corrodes the container it’s carried in” ?? so, i had to recognize her for the mess she was and try try try to find some peace in me…she never changed, but i did.
    if anyone wants to converse with me, be glad to listen and send a hug

  28. I feel everyones pain. My story may not be as bad as others. I have 3 boys 29 27 26 i have been married for 30 years. My husband stil to this day will always side with our boys. Every thing is a big joke as long as they put crap on me. They tell me i am fat have a double chin bald (i lost my hair due to illness) This is a big joke to them as well. They talk to me like crap. No respect at all. Tell me i am dumb love to put me down all the time. I have always wanted to be a mother. I am at the point where i am about to walk out of my marrage as everything is a big joke to my husband. He will always take my childern side no matter what. tonight i was told by our eldest son i would be an embarrassement to meet his future in laws My husban couldnt understand why i got hurt our kids are distroying our marrage. Or is it my husband just dosnt reapect me?? My husband is a good provider dose so much in the home but will never take my side as he wants to be mates with his boys. I feel so left out of our family they make me feel ugly fat and usless. What do i do?

  29. All,
    I just found this site today, and after reading your stories I am not alone. My 28 yr old daughter hates me and has nothing to do with me. In fact she recently testified against me in a custody trial my son had with his ex wife over their daughter. Claimed I was not good, said lots of lies. She testifed on behalf of my son’s ex-wife against my son also. I could go onwith all the past 4 years of her hating us at times and other times be in contact. We have not had contact for 6 months. When we went to the court trial i could not look at her. Even her boyfriend said lies about me. We were lucky the judge saw right thru it all and my son won back his extra time with his daughter and I am allowed to be around my beautiful 5 year old granddaughter unsupervised. The pain, hole in my heart with all was said about me and my son is there everyday. I relive the things that were said every day, have dreams and try not to cry. She knows how much family means to me, I guess this is her way of hurting me. So many times over the past years during her hate times, she said I would never be at her wedding or see her children. I pray every day, try to move on, but it is so hard and there are days that i can’t stop the tears. I also struggle with forgiving her, I just can’t do that yet. I’m sure the upcoming holidays will be hard for me. I am so thankful to have my husband (her dad that she also hates), our son, his fiance, and my precious granddaughter.

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