"Children Who Break Your Heart": A Reader Asks for Your Advice

At the Legacy Project, we’ve asked over 1200 of the oldest and wisest Americans for their advice about how to solve life’s problems. In this post we ask: How do you deal with children who break your heart? For advice on this topic and much more, see the bestselling book 30 Lessons for Living: Tried and True Advice from the Wisest Americans.

In an earlier post, one of the Legacy Project elders shared her mixed feelings about having children. Loraine,89 , talked about accepting both the joy and the pain children can bring. She stated: “If you don’t have children now, when you have them you will have these moments.  When you look at them and your heart – it’s like your heart takes all the pain and all the love for them that you have.”

We just received a comment on that post from one of our readers, who would like your advice:

What about when your children are disappointments? I would like to hear how parents handle situations when their most loved children are cause for a broken heart? Comments please!

We asked some experts for their advice, which you can find here.

Can you help? Does anyone have advice for overcoming the heartbreak children can sometimes cause? Please share your comments!

791 thoughts on “"Children Who Break Your Heart": A Reader Asks for Your Advice

  1. I am a single parent mom despite my husband being there. I spent 32 years of my life in giving my son the best. He was educated abroad and is now a doctor. He was very close to me though he was away from home studying. Suddenly he decided to break all ties with me quoting the most unreasonable excuses. He completely cut me out from his.life. He is all I have in life but he lives on the other side of the world from me and has blocked me on the telephone and social resources. I travelled 29 hrs by flight to see him and reason with him but he did not let me enter his house. What can I do as life without him is tearing me apart?

  2. Why does it bother us so much? Why does it hurt so bad? Why do we find it so hard to move on. I find myself asking myself that question more & more lately. It doesn’t seem normal or sane. Yet it is our life at the moment. It’s just naturally easier for the child to separate from the parent without tears. We know that! So why can’t we accept it! Why do I need meds & counseling to deal with the estrangement from my son but he just needs to “spread his wings & grow”?
    Is it fair for me to want him to love me the same as I love him? Is that even possible? I don’t know. But I wish it was true. I wish he hurt as much as I hurt. I wish I knew why he doesn’t.
    What is wrong with us?

    YOU ARE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO LET GO WHETHER YOU ” LIKE IT OR NOT”‘ Those kids will come an find you in their own good time….yep it happened to me too!

    Get used to it and dam well stay out of it for your own mental healh…..it is not your job to parent them anyway…..you have already been given that message and badly behaved parent/brats…….should be parented too. show the role model. Ummm….tough love time…….. they are the parents now….NOT YOU ! t TOUGH LOVE TIME….GET YOURSELF THE HELL OUT OF IT…..AND JUST DON’T GO THERE….. and for god’s sake don’t indulge their excuses…..look all excuses are good, even valid, but they never make anyone strong. time for a bit of reality therapy……um…but who for….accept that first, you are part of the problem….not the solution. My heart goes out to you…….get yourself the hell out of it, an the eviction notice that goes with it……want to really make some change….if you have the guts…call child protection on a parent who cannot protect, provide for and your own storty. And stop being a sook about it…. they need some shock therapy……wake them up to parenthood…..your call will be anon anyway……get some guts and stick up for your grandkids for god’s sake do something about it.

  4. To Zabeen
    I know your pain. It is time for You now. Take all that love, all that caring, all that consideration that you lavished on yoir son all these years and give All of it to you now. Reallity is, He owes you nothing and that is what he is giving you. Your son is ungrateful, unloving, cold and mean. Son or not this is not the kind of person you want in your life. You have done enough for him. It is time for you. He has been very clear that he does not appreciate you for who you are. Parents need to listen and respond in kind not insist their offspring is something other than who they show us they are. Disappointing? Yes but we dont choose for them, they get to. You get to choose to deal with the reality that they are horrible human beings that would throw you under the bus in a heart beat if it meant their gain. Cut ties make him. Make him apologize in order to be a part of your life. Forgiveness is important for you. Let Go! Trust me, he will only bring more pain in your life, if he never comes to repent his actions toward you. You are his mother for Gods sake. Be strong you can do this. Be happy in spite of his cruel behaviour and be a better person for you.

  5. Your son might have met someone who has told him to break it off with you. Let him have his life and go on with yours, PLEASE! Don’t travel to the ends of the earth to try to reason with unreasonable. It’s beneath you. You did a good job, he’s a doctor and hopefully successful. Now is your time. Wash your hands. This generation seems to have developed their own mindset and feel that their parents are no longer useful for them, except when they need money. So close the bank, accept what is, and don’t think about them except for the happy times before they went bonkers.

  6. Hello To All,
    I want to say there a time when you has to accepted it time to move on with your own life. It’s painful but also we learned many valuable lessons about love and abuse. Abuse sure never be accepted as love, if your children made a choice to down grade you as a person then say good-bye BABY. Parent always sure be very important and if you’re aren’t be directed and bold. I understand the grief of all on this site, I once was so weak and confuse that I begin to ? my parenting. There was nothing but pure love and supported I gave to my children. I have this saying your kids sure never come before you. The reason I use these words, cause you’re the leader, if you put the army before the leader, the army will destroy the leader cause they want nothing but control. I will ask all to take back your life, happiness and live. I know my heart was broken and I just put all back together for peace and harmony. Bless all the broken hearts.

  7. Well I won’t go into detail but I am a devastated weary person to say the least. My youngest daughter committed suicide-horrifc marriage-my oldest daughter stopped speaking to me five years ago because I would not move to the state she lives in and help her with her three children. I visited as much as I could afford, and paid for her to visit me, but it was just not enough for her. One day with no excuse no explanation she blocked me from her life and my three grandsons. I have desperately tried to contact them to no avail. She abandoned me and her little sister. Now she has turned to alcohol, was close with me and adored me and I adore her. I was blessed to have such a great daughter after everything. Recently she got into the wrong crowd of people…these are bad people with no values… and I am shocked that she is hanging out with people like this … and she has turned on me and against me. I have stood by her, given to her, loved her and anything at all that I say is wrong. If I say “good morning it is beautiful weather’ she is rude and mean and angry. I even began just agreeing with everything because I felt that maybe everything I was saying was wrong and perhaps I was the one who was wrong in every comment even if I agreed on everything it was still wrong in her opinion. I am devastated. I left out the details. I blame no one. I use to blame myself continually. It is easy to do that. I just want to disconnect from them. I grieve daily. My life was my children. I want to stop loving them and forget them.

  8. My heart too has been broken in dealing with my 33yrs old son. Both his Dad and I have bent over backwards to support he,his partner and 3yr old son who my husband and I adore. Not for the first time has he ordered us to leave his house! I haven’t seen him this week no txts no calls certainly no apologies.For three years since our grandson was born we have twice a week looked after him twice a week twelve hours a day,I have cleaned,ironed and baby sat and now once again I have suffered an avalanche of Verble abuse all because my son’s partner and my husband had a something or nothing disagreement which may I say my husband apologised twice! Right now they have cut us off and aren’t speaking to us…I can just about deal with my son and his partner not speaking to us but not to see our Grandson the little boy we have taken care of for three years is crucifying us.

  9. How can they do this to us? We ask ourselves that but only the child can answer it and to them, their answer is The Reason. It can be rooted in resentment that still rankles in their immature minds, still feeling like a child when they are with you or around you or it could be their resentment is rooted in truth. They felt controlled, unloved, a prop for your ego, abused, neglected, resented, or about a 100 other reasons that only a psychiatrist can uncover. It could be that you take too much energy to be in their lives and their emotional quotient is filled with by their partner, kids, and friends. Every reason if valid, if not fair, every emotion you feel is valid, too. It sucks, it sucks the life out of the parent who devoted their lives to the child only to be cast aside as unwanted and unneeded. And in the end, there is no answer or remedy. Only acceptance. You have to find your own life and really, the big thing, you have to cut them out of your thoughts and life. Pack their clothes, make their room a guest room or an office. Become a substitute parent to any needy person that crosses your life. Sometimes those without parents are the best kids to the rejected parent. If you feel you have to have kids and grandkids in your life, believe me, there are tons of needy orphans that are millennial age and can be the best comfort in your old age. You need to find something to fill the empty space they left. You have to live. you may never know why they cut you out, but you have to accept that they have, and realize, you are still a person, with a life to live and one that can live it fully. Imagine what you would be doing if that kid had never been born. Erase their number from your phone, pack up their photos if that causes you pain. Make your life one that counts. Because no one is going to do that for you. Especially your kid. You are worth the air you breathe. Fill that space, make your own life. After a while of pretending you are ok, you will be.

  10. Wow, I found this site kinda looking for an answer and I never realized so many are going through this. Mine is with my daughter 38. She completely hates me. I to my knowledge have not done anything wrong, with the exception of barking back when she says the most horrible things I ever heard. I think maybe the generation? If there is no valid reason like abuse,etc it is confusing. I’m broken hearted, but what some say I have to agree. If you have done a you can, like me, you have to let it go. For your own sanity. I miss my grandkids, all 9. But to stay sane I have to say goodbye and hope one day it will change. I will have trouble trusting her again. What life I do have left I need to live. Good luck to all going through this. I wish I could wave avwand and make it all hoid for us all. It is most hard now during the Holidays. Love to you all.

  11. Ocealata- Wish you lived near me..we could go for coffee! Im in exactly the same boat as you..my daughter is 35. She’s cut me out of her life 3 times.. Ive never been abusive..Ive given my heart and soul to her. I love her, but Ive had enough. I refuse to be bullied by anyone, let alone my own daughter. This time I told her- she knows where I live and my number..if she wants to talk like an adult, be respectful and resolve things, Im here. Its only been 2 months..last time it was 5 years…

  12. My daughter blames me for everything ,I was a single mom of two and I truly lived my life for them and done the best I could..
    She has talked some things about me that isn’t true ,for instance she and I were on her car and it was the day of her wedding shower that o had practically paid for and she gets a call and answers it and it’s on Bluetooth so I can hear and her son to be mother in law said. Are you nervous anout your mom being there and out of surprise I was devastated and confused and later on they go to visit in kaws and don’t invite me but in ites another family mber. So for some reason our relationship was bad before I even met them. Now she is pregnant and my heart is so sad cause I thought I would be so close to her and a part of this but she acts like she doesn’t care at all

  13. OMG! I thought I was in this alone. I’m so sorry for u people out there. My only living son has cursed me , trashed me, and WHY I have no clue. His father was became a drunken loser and stupidly I stayed with him thinking things would get better. I re married a man that loves me and protects me. My son, now 28, has always gotten any thing he wants. And I do mean everything! Cars, .u name it! And I admit, I helped spoil him. Thinking that I could make up for all the abuse mental and physical that his drunken, coke snorting skirt chasing sorry excuse for a “father”. His grandparents esp his grandmother has spent in excess of 80 grand paying him out of tickets, paying his car insurance , a d so much more b.s.! I tried my best to tell her it’s ruining him, but she absolutely would not listen to me. To keep peace, I kept my mouth shut. He was a mouthy teen, I made the horrible mistake of trying to raise him and not let his step father help. Trying to keep this brief.. But I can’t. My 28 yr old has cursed me so many times, lied to me and has tried to hit me. Anyhow, he still depends on my elderly mother to pay his rent! I’m taking control of that situation btw. He and girlfriend have a 8 month old child. He told me 4 months ago to never touch his baby, he does not want me in the child’s life at all. I obliged him and have it ties. But it hurts so bad. I am a good mother. I’m a good wife. I maybe could understand him had I not been there for him growing up, or if I was a drunk, drug user or spent time in prison. I was there for him and worked my butt of to supply his every need and I did go over board, I loved him so very much.. Of course, I will always love him. I just don’t understand. To those of u out there that have been “abandoned ” by ur own flesh and blood.. I send hugs and prayers

  14. Ocealata your comment especially as well as all the others could be mine. I too have a turning middle aged adult child who I have felt since her early adolescence did not love or respect my husband or I. I have tried everything to change this and clung to the hope all these years (mainly to keep seeing my grandkids) that it would work out. I have sought counseling and it has helped to unload the painful feelings of loss, loneliness and bewilderment and it helped me cope somewhat so I recommend it to anyone in this situation.
    In the end the only answer may be the hardest one to accept – to let it all go and live your life. I wish anyone dealing this strength, hope and peace, especially through the holiday season. You are not alone.

  15. My father was a terrible father. He was mean and emotional abusive. He made life miserable for our family. I have 3 brothers that I am estranged from due to growing up in such a dysfunctional home and no other relatives that I am in contact with. He passed away 20 years ago and my mother 10 years ago. My eldest daughter is now 30 and is having a baby and tells me she is naming the baby girl “Raya”. My dad’s name was Ray. I told her I wish she would pick another name because this one is too close to my dads name and it doesn’t bring good feelings to me. She said she didn’t even think of her grandpa. She had forgotten it was even his name. I don’t know why hurts more. That she has no idea who my dad is, that she doesn’t care how this name makes me feel or that she cares so little about my feelings…

  16. I believe when you have been very good parents and grandparents and your married son or daughter find fault with everything you do it could also be their spouse is complaining about you. Watch you boundaries and do not over due trying to see all of them or contact them. Sometimes you have to love them from afar. Send Christmas cards and Birthday cards to them even if they do not send you one. I said cards and gifts! Have a great day and pray to God to bring your families closer together and let God do his magic on them.

  17. Hi my son is 27 being a single mom his father passed away when he wa 1month,i ve raised him on my own,2014 ive found a good man we got married move out of my place leave my son wth a house and everything and he was wrking but each and everylast week of the month hes asking for money for transport and im also buying clothes and food sometimes but his wrking,he has a daughter now im also suppoting his daughter,this year he was not wrking i am the one whose doing everything for him,but resently he sends me sms telling me tht his thinking of committing suicide blahblah aand i went to see him he was very rude telling me he wants to sell my house and buy a car the nect job he is going to do it requires him to hv a car,i didnt agree wth him he swear at me ive calledmy uncles to come so tht we can go and talk to him he did the same thing infront of my uncles telling us to leave he has nothing to say to us we are annoying him and i mst not wrry about him frm now on his going to take care of himself i must go and live my fancy life life wth my so called husband and he hates me tht i mst know,within 20 minutes he sent an sms apologising i didnt respond,the second day send another 1 apologising i dnt want to talk to him,the person i saw when we get there was not the son tht ive raised im even scared of him,the way he was swearingat me is un forgivable its not easy to let him go but ihv too,its too much for me i cant take it anymore,ive jst put everything in gods hands

  18. I have wrote before about the abandonment from my adult son. It has been over six years now. His birthday is on the 18th December and he will be 32. I have been through a lot in those six years. Five years ago my bowel perforated and I had life saving surgery. When I awoke and in the most horrific pain, had a colostomy bag and worse of all that even the knowledge his mother was undergoing surgery to save her life he didn’t care. He never came and in fact hoped I would die. I have tortured myself through the years endured two further surgeries due to complications from the first whilst grieving for the loss of my son. My son who wants nothing to do with any of my side of the family even his only brother I have to accept has made a choice in life that I am not in it. I gave my children everything and was very soft, never stood up for myself. Before I was very ill I wanted to end my life and when I came to the brink of losing it I was shown that had I have done that the only people who would have missed my loss would be my older son and beautiful grachdaughters. I feel very disappointed that my son has no compassion or love for me or his extended family. I will always love my son but not what he has become.

  19. I first wrote in this forum in May 2017. I wrote again in December 2017. I get notifications when a new post is added. It’s helped me a lot to know I am not alone. I used to live in a neighborhood where it was all about keeping up appearances so it was challenging to find others who would have empathy and share about the challenges of raising strong willed children and teens.

    I wanted to share some good news. Our now 22 year old daughter has completely turned her life around. She finally saw the light and dumped the enabled, entitled, criminal and abusive boyfriend and is now with a young man who has helped to dramatically change her life for the better. We’ve had many talks about what happened and for the most part I am at peace with the situation. There are still a couple of things I am perplexed about but at this point need to let it go and move on. She has apologized for her part in what has happened as have I to her.

    We moved across the country which was helpful in the healing as well. So I no longer live in a ghost town of memories. Our daughter recently visited and what a gift to have her “back”! This all happened after we left and I could not be more grateful.

    I know it won’t happen for everyone but please know there is always hope they will “come home”. Now I am entering a difficult period with my now 16 year old. She is turning out to be more like her sister than I would have liked. I have learned and am handling her far differently. But it’s still a real challenge. All the best to everyone here.

  20. Being cut out by my adult sons is hard enough. What I can’t adjust to is they never make contact even though they know I am seriously ill and may only have one or two years left – or less. How about a simple ‘how are you’, even if only once a year???!!!

  21. My daughter is 21 and has not spoken to me in three weeks I’ve done everything for her we got in an argument because she brought home a puppy after I told her no I watched the dog for over a month while she worked. I am allergic to dogs but I fell in love with the dog I spent hundreds of dollars on the dog. I tried to give advice about the dog saying she should keep the dog on a schedule because her 30 year old boy friends twin wouldn’t let the dog stay at his house and they were going out for pizza and my daughter was leaving the dog in the car while they ate I told her she was messing up the dog and she screamed that I was screwing up the dog. The following morning she was leaving for work and she was going to leave the dog I said no because I’m screwing up the dog per her she and I had an argument and she told me to f myself. I haven’t seen her since and she lives with my brother who I’m not speaking with now because of this. I kept my hopes up went Christmas shopping and bought her dog something but my husband told me she got rid of the dog. My heart broke. I apologized to her and told her I loved her. She ignores me I have depression and anxiety and recently had an issue of memory loss so I’ve been seeing a neurologist and am having every test known to man. My husband told my daughter and she said I just want her to feel sorry for me. That’s not true. I was hoping we would mend before Christmas because every Christmas Eve we go to my brothers house and now we aren’t because she this there. I cry every day. My parents are heart broken that my brother and I done speak but he isn’t trying to get us to talk so now they are bringing up how they are 70 and don’t have a lot of Christmas’s left. So with all my health and family problems I’m not celebrating Christmas I took down my tree. Please I need advice I don’t know what to do having depression makes it worse. My husband is not really helpful in fact he brought her her clothes without telling me he said he had to or my brother was going to buy her new clothes. Help please!! Sorry if there are errors I’m doing this on my phone in tears.

  22. Diane (post 3/16/18)

    Your post has rang a bell with me. My 21yr son has shut me out once again. I have pretty much begged him not to do it again and am even ashamed of myself for becoming that desperate. I am just a basket case once again. How on earth did you get your son to come around? I am desperate for help. I have prayed and prayed and prayed, to the point of now I am even mad at God bc I have tried so hard.

  23. I also had a daughter who drank , smoked almost got expelled from school ,but we fought hard and thought we’d won the battle ! At 21 she proclaimed she must have a child to make her complete ! She gave birth to,a lovely little girl, but refused to,inform the ex boyfriend he was a Father! Then she decided she didn’t want the child ,my husband an I took care of them both , then my daughter went back to her old ways calling me all the names under the sun , staying out , sleeping around , getting drunk , and worst ignoring her daughter ! My husband and I raised our granddaughter in the end having to,get courts involved and we were given custody ! My granddaughter met her partner when she was 15 a controlling individual, who lived in Canada and eventually came to the UK to live in our home when my GD was 18 , I made the mistake of saying I didn’t like the partner , because I felt they had an agenda ! After that my GD and her partner ran away in the middle of the night ! We had no contact for 18mths , my GD and her partner are now back in Canada ,and we had started to build bridges ! Out of the blue my GD contacted her Mother ( hasn’t spoken for 12 yrs) now all of a sudden my husband and I are horrible people , we deprived her of her mother ( even though the court went into in-depth interviews with her on who she wanted to live with ) we are apparently to blame for everything , the court insisted my Daughter and the father paid a small amount of maintenance, My granddaughter sent me a message , saying that was my money , why didn’t I see any of it ?you should have saved it and given it to me when I we really to college ! I’m so upset how after we loved her and did our best and spent a lot more on her than the amount we got off her parents , she can only be concerned about money she thinks she’s entitled to , my answer was ‘ you saw all of it and much more besides ‘ ! Like others on here , I think we gave her to,much , possibly trying to make up for her parents abandoning her ! I never believed she could be so mercenary, or hurtful . I don’t know what is wrong with the adult children today , years ago we respected our parents , now the young adults feel they have a right to judge us and criticise us for not coming up to their standards as parents . I am broken hearted that after one conversation with a woman that didn’t want her , I am the one in the wrong , and back to being ignored

  24. I’m so sorry to read all the previous posts.
    It’s amazing the pain that people we love can cause us. I came to this site because I was hurting, Christmas has just past and my youngest son (Air Force)is back at his base 12 hours away from us. I’m a fortunate person my 3 sons and my daughter are all wonderful, loving young adults who keep in touch with us and each other .
    I know missing him is natural but it’s amazing to me how much it hurts not having him at home.
    After reading the above post I have come to see things a bit differently.
    My heart truly goes out to the parents of children who cut them from their lives or burden them with the pain of selfishness and thoughtless behavior.
    I hope God can give you peace and the strength to continue to care and love your children even though you may be estranged.
    Remember ,unlike many marriages this is a commitment we have taken on “ till death do us part” and we must persevere.
    I urge all of you suffering to take the high road in difficult situations and believe in your love of your children . Things can turn around and if they don’t the example of selflessness you give them may benefit someone else down the road.

  25. Change your phone number, your will, and even your address if you can. Give her what she wants and don’t look back. It is what it is. Pray for your own peace of mind. She’s on her own let her have it her way. Don’t bail her out financially or any other way. Look out for yourselves. How much time do you have left? Sadly there selfish people don’t figure things out till it’s too late and you’re gone. Save yourself! Our problem is, WE haven’t learned to let them learn on their own. Let her go.

  26. My mother had borderline personality disorder and I am pretty sure my daughter does also. Starting when she was a young girl, my daughter accused me of loving her brother more. He was a handful and required a lot of supervision. My son and I think that is what triggered her personality disorder. She is 30 now and I have never been good enough for her. She has always found fault with me. I had to say goodbye to her today because I found out she was visiting my estranged sister behind my back. My father and I were estranged and my sister fed the fire and encouraged him to leave me out of the will. When my mother became ill and went to live with my sister 600 miles away, my sister said I was not welcome in her home and my mother died shortly thereafter. I always encouraged my daughter to have a relationship with her aunt. My mistake. My daughter said she was not getting the family she needed from me. I asked her what my sister has done for her (600 miles away) and can’t she see that all I have done for her is family. I told her all my sister has done is feed her ego. It is pretty evident she hates me so much that she cannot see how not family my sister was to me or her. My daughter told me to get over what my sister did to me. I regret spending the time from when she started college until she graduated college and until now helping her. I feel betrayed and used by an ungrateful adult child who still says I love her brother best (he stopped associating with her socially because she would verbally abuse him when they were in their 20s). I felt badly that she thought I loved her brother better and let her get away with verbally abusive behavior towards me. My error. I realize now how manipulative she is and lacking in empathy for anyone but herself. I knew she would put on the sweetness when she wanted something and then turn to nasty afterwards but I kept letting that go. My error. When on her anti anxiety medication, she was very nice but she will no longer take it. She just purchased a home and should be gone soon. Her dogs have done a lot of damage to my home and yard that she will not repair. I am glad this roller coaster ride is ending but it is not the way I planned it to end. I did not expect that the end of child raising would be so heartless. I kept hoping she would “mature”. My error. If I had thought about it or known personality disorders were genetic, I would not have had children. My daughter does not want any children. My son does but I am worried that he is making a mistake (his wife also comes from a family with BPD). I feel that while I did the best I could do that I really messed up.

  27. it is 8:00 in the morning and I am writing this. I have not slept all night. I have a 36 year old daughter (only child). who has rejected me as well.. What hurts is the loss of my two grandchildren who she uses as a weapon when I say something to her she doesn’t like. I was not always there for her as I had her young and was married briefly to her father who walked out when she was 4 months old. He wanted to play in a band and didn’t want the responsibility of a child. Ironically, I didn’t have to get married. 8 months after we were married he wanted a child. Who knew? Anyway, that’s another story for another day. I profusely apologized for not being the best of moms early on but I have tried to make up for it and treated my grandchildren with nothing but love and kindness. To add insult to injury she married a man that wanted nothing to do with our side of the family. I have dealt with that since day one. Anyway, after years on and off with her cutting me out i can’t do this anymore. It put stress on my marriage of 20 years to a man who watched me endure this agony. Needless to say it didn’t help our situation. We are now divorced and although that wasn’t the cause ( he had a mid-life crisis andcheated,). It certainly didn’t help. What I am trying to say is that I am totally alone now and I am having a hard time functioning. I can’t believe she could be this cruel.. I thought we were past all this. I am alone and isolated. There are no support groups for this type of loss in my area. I need to talk (not type till my hands are sore). How bout conference calls so a whole group can have a real conversation with one another about this. Is there anything like that out there?

  28. I am sorry for your loss, your son may never come around because like a new toy, he has chosen this new life. He will have deep regret. I do believe you need to move on. One person gives freely, yet gains even more; another withholds unduly, but comes to poverty.Trust in God, no one else, he will give you all the answers.

  29. Reading the book Heaven by Randy Alcorn has given my husband and I hope for a resurrected, redeemed, relationship with our daughters and granddaughters, as well as my entire family who all turned against us with no explaination for last 14 yrs. God has a plan. He is not done with our story, your story, our children’s story, or His story. Our hope lie in the life after death on this world. I daily am sobbing on my knees for the loss of my daughters and my family. God keeps telling me He has me in the most merciful place. Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.
    Lonely, hurt, crushed, fighting to keep on, trusting relentlessly, a very devastated mother, daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, and friend.

  30. My son is 33 he has banned me from his life for 12 years now . It just breaks my heart ,then I found out he had got married and now they just had my first grandchild.I have seen a picture of my grandson and it kills me to know that he will never know that I’m his grandma or that I can never hold him and spoil him. Everyone tells me to move on but I can’t I cry everyday. Also the thought of my son just forgetting everything we had together really hurts. But yet his father the one that did nothing for him still remains in his life. Now that I know I’m not the only person that is going through this is a little easier only for the advise people give thankyou

  31. I’m so surprised to read how many parents:grandparents are getting ignored or worse forgotten. My concern is with my granddaughter, she’s 13 going on 14 next month. We lost my only daughter (her mother) after a lengthy battle with her health. It seems at times my granddaughter doesn’t want anything to do with me, I love her so much and miss our talks, movie times or just hanging out. Her little brother who’s 6, is always hugging and kissing me of which I adore. I know she misses her mother and can’t begin to imagine how she feels. She’s constantly on the phone with her friends or her guy friend. There’s no dating with the guy friend but I worry, I know that even if I put a stop to it, I can’t be with her 24/7, all I ask is her to respect me and say goodnight. Am I asking for to much, am I too controlling. I want to be there for her and maybe I’m being too needy. God bless us all

  32. I am dying inside and so hurt because my daughter moved out under false pretenses and finally the truth came out and we discovered she had been living with the cook at a restaurant where she is a 2waitress. He broke up with his girlfriend of 8 years to be with my daughter who just recently turned 18. They live in a rundown motel and it seems as though she pays the rent while he lives there with her. She left the safety of her own house with her mom, dad, and sister to live in this place. It is insane as she would never lift a finger here but seems to enjoy cleaning their room with a small kitchen and she washes their clothes in a laundromat. she actually used the word fun to describe doing the laundry which is a pay machine to wash and also to dry. The guy is 24 and can not drive because he has epilepsy and he never knows when he is going to have a seizure.my daughter seems to really like him. I aske3d her if she saw herself with him 5 to 10 years down the road and she said she did not know. Then I asked her if she loved him and her answer was I don’t know Momma anything is possible. she never comes home unless she has to like to have my husband maintenance her car or if we guilt her into dinner. Tonight she came and asked for the x-box games I thought to play, but no it was to sell them. I do not know what to do or say I have an 11 year old and she loves her older Sissy like crazy, so its hard all the way around. we tried the tough love. we took her car and kept it for almost 4 months. She adjusted and rode the via bus and got around and still didn’t change. The only reason she was given the car back was so that she could get to college and earn her teaching degree. She has been going to school and still working and still living with that guy. she made her mind up, so we packed her room up and gave it to her younger sister who loves that room since its much bigger. She was shocked that she lost her room and shocked when I told her this is Mommy and Daddy’s house and nothing belongs to her anymore so she no longer be taking anything out to sell it. I pray every time she pops in my mind that God will change her heart along with her situation. I wish he’d go back to his girlfriend he left for Belinda. Any advice is welcomed as I am at my whit’s end.

  33. I just want to wish everyone a happy Valentine’s Day tomorrow. Even though it is another painful day of remembering the Valentines we have given to our estranged children and grandchildren, now is the time to give a valentine to yourself. Maybe buy a flower; perhaps a beautiful single rose to remind yourself that you are worth it, that God’s love for you is all you need and all that really matters. Rejoice in how strong you are for dealing with one of the most painful losses you could possibly experience. And know that you are not alone.

  34. As I read all these posts with everyone stating how they have no idea what they did, well I think that says it all doesn’t it? Relationships deteriorate due to the interactions between the parties. Unfortunately this baby boomer generation seems plagued by the idea that they are always right and everyone else is to blame. I have decided to have no further contact with my abusive father and my enabling mother, finally at the age of 52. This pains me to no end but I cannot heal from the cycle of abuse and dysfunction that they perpetuate and thrive off of if I don’t. If you want to know why your adult children don’t talk to you and have cut you out of their lives, clean up your side of the fence. It is filled with crabgrass and dog excrement yet you want to tell them about the few dandelions in their space.

  35. The model we use for parenting was developed in a different age for a different set of circumstances. We use a model developed when children quite often walked out the door and never came back or were never heard from again – immigration, marriage, etc. How many people who left via immigration/marriage were actually estranging? This isn’t a new issue, we just hear more about it now due to the 24/7, completely connected world we live in. In a way, for better or worse, parents should “parent” as if they will one day have to defend themselves for the way they parented to have a relationship with their adult children. Just because you survived your parents “parenting” is no guarantee your kids will survive your parenting. Everyone is unique. If, after they estrange, you attack them for it aren’t you just confirming all their worst fears about you? I think parents cannot believe that the things their children are citing as issues are actually issues – then resort to the, “I survived worse”, routine. Just because you survived it or made amends doesn’t mean your children will or are in any way obligated. Sadly, several friends didn’t estrange until after they had kids then realized what their parents had done to them at the same age.

  36. So glad not on my own I have 3 sons 2 haven’t seen for 14 years an my 23 year old met a girl 10 month ago she is 28 has 2 daughters who are really spoilt and rude age 3 and 5 and now she is pregnant with my son child .there so wrapped up in themselves he doesn’t even message me or come see me !! I suffered with mental illness al my life I have PTSD and tried to end my life a few times .a am at hat stage now of ending it .as am so lonely. I own my house have no mortgage done will that everything left to my 23 yr old. But now am thinking of selling house and going into sheltered accommodation were I will have company and won’t be on my own. I have done everything for all my boys .I don’t drink or smoke or go out .bu now at nearly 60 why should I sit in day after day just so he will get the house and treat me like am not here .my next door neighbour worries about me more she always checking on me and cooks me meals …said be leaving the house to her .

  37. We had 3 children, a boy now in his 40’s. a daughter in her late 30’s and another daughter who is 32. My husband and I divorced & it wasn’t easy or pretty all of the time.This was about 25 years ago. My ex and I have been friends for many years and talk & e-mail frequently
    My situation is that our middle child decided several years ago that she prefers not to be around me. I have asked her why many times and have offered to see a therapist of her choice with no reply.
    Once in a blue moon she has sent me a text usually about something to do with medical/health issues. She does not respond to my texts or e-mails the majority of the time.
    I have told her that I would very much like to have a decent relationship with her and still no response.
    Her Dad and I have talked about this many times & he doesn’t understand it either.
    Our other two children, a son 42 and a daughter 32 are both in my life and we are very close. Our son lives in Costa Rica and has asked me for years to move there to be near him. Our youngest daughter lives in Utah and asked me several times to move there. I eventually chose Utah and have been here for going on 3 years & we communicate nearly every day just to touch base. We see each other often & do many things together.on a regular basis.
    I have no doubts about my relationship with those two but clearly there is a huge disconnect with our other daughter.
    I realize it is certainly possible that I was not perfect by a long shot and I am willing to talk to her with or without a therapist to work thru this.
    Her unwillingness to do anything to move forward and toward a good relationship really hurts me deeply and hardly a day goes by that This does not come to mind and just breaks my heart.
    If anyone who has been thru this can give me any ideas to bring us together, I will be greatly appreciated;
    I will be 75 this year and worry this will not end peacefully for either of us.

  38. All I can say is that I am in the same boat. Unfortunately I moved to another state and live in their home in my own apartment. I am going on 82. Nobody ever opens the door to ask if I am I’m okay. It just blows my mind I don’t even want to think about all I did for him . The thing that hurts so much is the fact that when I die his remark will be “What’s for dinner. “. The sad part is that I am old, nobody wants to hire me, altho I still have a lot to offer and I am stuck! I want to move away from here so badly On Valentines Day he bought a huge bouquet of flowers for his wife He could have at least offered me a $4 bouquet. That would have been fine. If I was his or anyone’s wife, I would have reminded him not to forget to get his Mom some flowers. I am beyond sad because I did so much for him and he has ” moved on”. I just pray that somehow I can get out of this mess! I just can not find a way right now to pay more than I am paying to live here. Life really throws curve balls sometimes.

  39. I was crazy enough to think if I was the best mum in we would have this big loving family. Was I ever wrong! My late husband was a alcoholic and seemed to have very little to do with the children. I seemed to try to please everyone for over 28 years.
    Then somehow it went nuts, My oldest daughter is emotionally abusive. even though I helped bring up her son . My third daughter not only moved her boyfriend in had four children and then his mother. All the while I did most of the work and got no respect.
    One day I couldn’t take it anymore after all my youngest was then 23. I moved on divorced my husband and remarried. My kids hated him from the get go. One daughter even telling lies like he is a Pedophile. Now two of my girls hate me (Oh and there dad died) They blamed me for that too.
    Even though I’m very happy with my new husband I got very stressed and )I got Arthritis, Breast cancer and I am now pre diabetic. My girls didn’t even call and even said I deserved it. Two of my girls still talk to me but the other I have just had top walk away from and try to get healthy and happy again.

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