The Emphasis Should Be on Life!

Posted on by

Among the Legacy Project elders, I found the advice from people in their 90s and beyond to be particularly stirring. The sheer quantity of historical and personal events they have been through makes their comments particularly meaningful. Wilfred, 93, reflected on his long life experience and offers these lessons for living.

Be true to yourself! Times have changed, academic degrees are necessary today in business and even in the armed services; they are the markers used to score you. Nevertheless continue to pursue interests that appeal to you, because that is where the joy fights the pain. If you like what you are doing, happiness and success should come in time.

As I grew up, I abided by a code of ethics that came from my inner self. I always attempted to do the right thing both for my customers in business and with my friends as I went through life. This may sound corny and preachy but it worked for me. I rarely regretted an action and maintained peace of mind.

The most important thing is to keep busy, whether it is business for profit or volunteering services to help others. May I point out that I never thought I was doing a “Good Deed” or a favor, since they were also providing me with companionship and an opportunity to use my alleged mind.

There is a line in “Zorba the Greek” that says, “Life is what you do while you are waiting to die.” The emphasis should be on Life!

Lighten Up! A Good Lesson for the New Year

Posted on by

Isn’t it ironic to see all the media stories at this time of year about “holiday stress?” How did what should be a relaxing and restorative time become yet another stressful event? As I think about the life lessons of the Legacy Project elders, one message seems to me helpful in staying relaxed over the holidays: Lighten up.

The elders often pointed out that a key to savoring each of life’s wonderful moments is developing and maintaining a sense of humor. Here are two takes on that theme from Alison and Margaret.

Alison, 79, has traveled the world after her retirement for a career as a teacher. She gave this advice:

You should see the fun in the world instead of dwelling on the unhappy things. Take each day and live it, love it, it might be your very last day here. Don’t be aggravated, don’t aggravate anybody else, and just keep a smile on your face. You’ll be happier and everyone around you will be, too. Try to remain upbeat, no matter what, and never lose your sense of humor, even if your jokes are awful. Keep cracking your jokes to whoever you see. Find something fun and pleasant and happy to say to them. You’ll lead a much better life that way. Look at the glass as half full – be positive – look at a problem as to how it can be made to work out, not that it cannot.

Margaret, 71, whose responses sparkled with good humor, wrote:

It’s like I’ve taken the attitude of what difference does it make? So I eat my chocolate, I have my martini at night, I don’t take as good care of myself since I’ve gotten older. But I feel pretty darn good to be as old as I am!

Many elders have learned to take a lighter attitude toward life – perhaps this is a good New Year’s resolution for all of us!

A WW II Veteran’s Lesson: Honesty and Trust

Posted on by

Veterans Day got me thinking about the many veterans we have interviewed in the Lagacy Project.  In my book 30 Lessons for Living, I was privileged to speak with many members of the War and Crisis Generation, capturing their wisdom before they left us (only a few WW II veterans are still alive).

If there is one lesson for a good life that nearly all of  the Legacy Project elders agree on, it’s  honesty. This may be worded in different ways: being truthful, being a person of trust, or having integrity. But it shines above all others in the advice elders give about core values.

And this isn’t just some hollow platitude. The elders believe that honesty is not a lofty ideal; rather, it’s a daily practice that is highly beneficial for every individual.

Max, age 97, passionately summed up this lesson and how he learned it:

 My father died when I was 12, and my mother appointed me head of the household. After my freshman year in college (1942-43), I was drafted into the Army. In World War II, I was a combat medic attached to infantry in the 95th Infantry Division of General Patton’s 3rd Army. In December of 1944, I was wounded by a German machine gunner while I was trying to rescue a fallen comrade. Gas gangrene cost me my left arm for which I have worn a prosthesis ever since. After honorable discharge, rank of PFC, I completed my undergraduate education in biology and then got a Master’s Degree. My career, influenced by the War, was as a high school teacher of biology and English.

As a fatherless boy I soon learned to be skeptical of authority, institutional and religious. However, I realized intensely – and still do – that trust is the most valuable bond that keeps us civil and loving. Cheating and lying, of every kind—in school work, business, friendships, sex, marriage, parenthood, social contracts, just as examples—weaken that bond.

Just think of what a dissolving marriage does to the sense of trust children have in their parents! Just think of what a dreadful toll the failure of trust in our current federal administration is taking on us as a people and on our international relations! Just think of what casual sex has done to the bonds of trust and love! Trust keeps us together in marriage, as families, as social groups, in business negotiations, as a nation. Betray that for personal gain or pleasure and you lose more than your integrity; you weaken the fabric of society.

Look for Autonomy in a Job

Posted on by

Stanley, 82, had a remarkable career as a highly successful entrepreneur. He freely admits he made many mistakes and sometimes lost money (but those, he says, were his best learning experiences).

Looking back over what made him love his career path, he highlighted on key point: Autonomy – the freedom to direct his own work life.

When I worked, I worked seven  days a week if I had to. I have not one regret. I had the one thing that most people never achieve, and that is total freedom. Most people never have total freedom in what they do. I could do what I wanted. I could make decisions, I could make mistakes, but whatever I did, they were mine. There is a satisfaction to that, that you can’t put down on paper. It comes after years and years of doing what you’re doing, and you find out that you really know what has to be done and what shouldn’t be done, and you feel very good about yourself.

And that feeling of success within myself, and that feeling of satisfaction, it’s like nothing else.

The autonomy – most people never understand that. They’re slaves to somebody. This was a gift to me basically from my father, because he was the one who explained it to me, he was the one who started the company, and who instilled in me and my brothers the feeling that when you have this freedom – economic freedom, social freedom – there’s no money that can pay for it. You can’t buy it. You have to earn it, you have to feel it, and you know something? It doesn’t get better!.

A Teacher’s Advice to Young People

Posted on by

Arlene, 83, was raised in the segrated South, became a teacher, and helped many children throughout her life. Life wasn’t always easy for her, but she feels fulfilled and satisfied by what she accomplished. She worries, however, about young people today and shares her advice for them.

My most important life lessons? Well, my marriage life, I was married about thirty years, it was a good marriage. And I was a schoolteacher; I enjoyed that for thirty years. And my parents were good, we weren’t rich, but I had good parents and that’s more important than having a lot of money. We would sit down to the table and eat. And  we went to church; church has become important to me in my older years.

I was born in the South, and I had to sit in the back of the bus, but over the years I’ve become proud of my heritage. I think we’re special.

When I lost my husband, my children became the most important thing in my life. My kids were important, two went to college. One’s a teacher and one’s a chemist.

I’m not rich or anything, I’ve got a fair income, but the main thing is I thank God that I am living, and I do have aches and pains, but they come with growing old.

A big choice for me was becoming a schoolteacher instead of a lawyer or something. I found that it’s not making as much money, but it’s been more enjoyable. Sometimes in teaching you not only teach, but you’re a friend to those kids. It’s not just teaching, it’s listening to the kids. And most of my time, being a Black teacher, I spent quite a bit of time with the white students and I found out they didn’t care about color. If you were their teacher and on their side, that’s all that matters. And my decision to go to church rather than going to nightclubs was good. I never got into drugs; I found that was a good way of doing it. I’d rather be in church than going to the bar every week and doing this and that.

Being honest is the main thing. When it’s all said and done, you have to do things the right way. There’s no outdoors or backdoors to lying. Somewhere along the line, you have to be honest with yourself. And by being honest with yourself, doors are open. I’m not “religious-religious,” but I do believe that if I do the right thing and so forth, things will open up for me.

About advice for young people: I found out two things by being a teacher: one problem is drugs, and the second problem is they are having babies. They’re out there, they never go to school, they start out on the corner selling drugs, and they don’t know anything about education and so forth. And we’re paying more money to house them in prison than we are if we could get them in and teach them the right and wrong. I cry about it sometimes to see our young people out selling drugs and they think that’s important. But their parents never taught them the right way of doing things.

Now, about getting old. As you grow older, take it day by day. I know we cry about this and that but we know we’ve got to grow old, so we should try and do the best we can. I retired about five or six years earlier than I should of, but I couldn’t help it because health problems set in and I had to. I would say if you can, try to prepare for retirement. But take a day at a time and things will work out.

Sometimes a Few Words Can Change You: “Elder Mantras”

Posted on by

I’ve spent a lot of time over the past six years interviewing the oldest Americans about their lessons for living — advice they would like to pass on to future generations. As described in the book 30 Lessons for Living” the elders have outstanding advice on the “big picture” issues: love and marriage, child-rearing, choosing a career, health and of course, aging well.

One of the biggest surprises for me, however, has been the influence that a few profound thoughts or phrases have had on me. When confronted with a work problem, a stressful event, or just the usual tension that can build up during the day, I find that the voice of one or another of the elders will come to me and help me re-think the situation. I’ve come to call these my “elder mantras.”

Here are a few of these “mantras” that I find particularly helpful, all from wise people in their 80s and beyond. They reflect some of the core elements of elder wisdom.

Swimming in the sea of life

Paul, 85, had a successful and high-powered career as an architect. After both a hectic career and personal life, he has found old age to be a time of both clarity and serenity. When asked: “What have you learned during your life that you would like to pass on to a younger person,” he said: “I’ve learned how to swim. ”

That was a surprise, and when questioned, Paul went on:

I’ve learned how to swim. In life. I’m not a particularly good swimmer in water, but I’m a reasonable swimmer in the flow of living.

This image of learning to swim in the river of life, of going with the flow of living, is a powerful and serene image when called up during a busy day.

Let it be

This mantra comes from Sister Clare Moran, whom I interviewed shortly before her 100th birthday. (I can’t give all the details here, but believe me when I say: If you want to hear about an interesting life, sit down for a while with a 100-year old nun!)

Reflecting on her nearly 80 years in the religious life, Sister Clare pointed to doing away with worry as her lesson for younger people. Early in her career as a nun, she learned a technique for reducing worry through pursuing acceptance:

There was a priest that said mass for us, a youngish priest, very fragile and frail. Beautiful, beautiful man. He said that at a certain time of his life, something happened; he didn’t tell us what it was. I heard that he had been working on a mission and they asked him to come back to the States and it broke his heart. It must have been a very hard thing to do. And he was very angry, he just couldn’t be resigned, just couldn’t. He got back into work here, but he couldn’t get his mind off it. Just couldn’t see why it had happened.

So he went to an elderly priest and he talked to him about it. He said, “What shall I do? I can’t get rid of it.” And the priest said, “Every time it comes to your mind, say this.” And the priest said very slowly, “Just let it be, let it be.” And this young man was saying it just the way the priest said it and he said, “I tried that and at first it didn’t make any difference, but I kept on. After a while, when I pushed it aside, let it be, it went away. Maybe not entirely, but it was the answer.”

Sr. Clare, one of the most serene people I have ever met, has used this technique for well over three-quarters of a century.

So many things come to your mind, now for instance somebody might hurt your feelings, you’re going to get back at him or her, well — just let it be. Push it away. So I started doing that, I found it the most wonderful thing because everybody has uncharitable thoughts, you can’t help it. Some people get on your nerves and that will be there until you die. But when they start and I find myself thinking, “Well now she shouldn’t do that, I should tell her that…” Let it be. Often, before I say anything, I think, “If I did that, then what?” And let it be. Oh, so many times I felt grateful that I did nothing. That lesson has helped me an awful lot.

A feather from an angel’s wing

Flora, 80, is a poet who writes about her love of the landscapes of the Southwest. Her approach to living is to embrace the pleasures each day can hold, and she reinforces that attitude with a daily habit. One phrase stands out as a mantra.

If I were to give any particular word of advice I would say: Go about the business of the day, hum-drum as it might be, but walk on your tip-toes waiting for the “ah-ha!” experiences. That happens when you’re going around the corner doing the normal everyday things. So be prepared for those ah-ha experiences that may happen any time. That way, you’re always open to and watching for something different — watching for a feather from an angel’s wing.

It’s sorry you didn’t do…

One last mantra I carry with me is from Eleanor, who says about regrets: “Mostly it’s sorry you didn’t do than sorry you did!”

You can meet her (on video) as well as other elders sharing their wisdom.

Roberta’s List for Living

Posted on by

I am always impressed when I receive lessons for living from people in their nineties and beyond. There’s so much lifetime there, and so much time to reflect on it. And I also rejoice in the gift these very old people give us, by taking the time to share their advice.

I loved this list of lessons from Roberta, age 95. Each one of these pieces of advice is worth pondering as you go through your day.

A happy marriage can be enjoyed when each considers what is best for both, and each thinks of what’s best for the other.

Have an income from agreeable work allowing saving for the future, for the children’s college education, and the possibility of catastrophic illness, yet allowing for a pleasant home life.

Have children whose futures will blossom as yours becomes less exciting.  Enjoy teaching them and watching them develop.  Enjoy their successes as well as your own.

Appreciate nature.  Love birds, animals, travel, even all kinds of weather.

Develop a kind nature.  Do whatever you can for others, even outside the family.

Take an interest in your town, state and nation politically, how it affects you and others.

Be careful of your health.  Consider the value of your diet, fruit, veggies, vitamins. To the extent that your income allows take part in excercise, sports such as sailing, skiing, tennis, and other sports, gardening, (enjoy what nature does as a result of your efforts)

If possible let art and music be part of your life.

The Best Advice for Parents of Adult Children? Don’t interfere.

Posted on by

I’ve gotten to the stage where I now have my own adult children (24 and 29, to be exact). I listened with rapt attention as the elders told me their advice for getting along well with children – after they are grown .

And just about everyone had one piece of advice: When in doubt, don’t interfere with your adult children. When their gone, the elders say, let them go.

Grace, 74, told me:

How do have good relationships with adult children? Oh, I think give them their own life.  Don’t make demands on them. I think any adult, particularly adults with children right now, they have enough on their plate. Don’t make demands. Don’t ask much of them. Just be there for them when they need you.  Try to laugh with them.  And certainly don’t tell them what to do.  Because I think your guess is as good as theirs.

Charmayne, 80, also believes in the “non-interference” principle: ”Well it’s their life.  It’s not my life.  I lived my life the way I wanted to.  I don’t have a right unless they ask me for advice.  As I say, they all have their own way to do things and if they get in trouble and they want some help, they’ll come to me.  That’s all.” She acknowledges, however, that “holding your tongue” can be very difficult:

So one of my daughters, she’s not going to get married.  She said she’s too set in her ways, she likes her life the way it is.  She likes to have a nice clean house and apartment.  She just doesn’t want to have to think about cow-towing to a man or anything.  She likes her life the way it is. And all right, for a while I kept saying “You’ll meet somebody.  Honey, you’ll meet somebody and then you’ll change your mind.”  But then I thought: I know she’s fifty-something now and I don’t think she’s going to get anyone.  So I guess I better let her live her own life and realize that she knows herself then.  She’s thought about it enough, so that’s fine.  That’s her life.  It’s not my life.  I just happen to think the Lord put us on this earth and He said “Be fruitful and multiply.”  But if she doesn’t believe that and she doesn’t want to live by that, that’s up to her.

Conrad, 88, asserts that the time to have your influence is before they move out:

Don’t tell them how to live their lives.  Tell them when they’re home, before they leave.  I’m satisfied that that’s what works out, because the rest of it they’re gonna figure out anyways, you know.

I have taken this advice to heart. It’s hard for me not to give advice, but I’ve learned to wait until my kids ask!

Seeking happiness? Think small

Posted on by

When people seek happiness, they often think about “big-ticket” items: I’d be happy if only I could find a better job, make more money, find a mate, have a child – the list goes on and on. In the Cornell University Legacy project, we spent the years asking over 2000 of the oldest Americans for their advice to younger people on living a happier and more fulfilling life. And they see this prevalent approach to happiness as a mistake.

When it comes to happiness, America’s elders urge us to “think small.” They believe that we must be aware and attentive to small pleasures in daily life, even as we may be waiting for something in our lives to change. They are consciously grateful for what they have, right now, rather than pinning their happiness on future achievements or possessions

On that note, here are five simple pieces of advice for happier living, from the oldest (and wisest) Americans:

Every morning when I wake up, I thank God that at 75 years old I’m able to get up, take my shower, go about my business, by my groceries or go to work or whatever I do, I’m very thankful for that. (Lavonne, 75)

Just take life in stride, I guess, do the best you can. Enjoy, if you can afford it, living; going out and treating yourself to a few luxuries, like maybe going out to dinner, going for a ride or something like that. (Abel, 77)

Be grateful for each day that you wake up. (Roman, 84)

Everybody says that you should make a goal in your life, but I don’t think that’s always necessary because you make a goal and the first thing you know, you switched over to something else. All I wanted to do was be a mother, and I did. I had three boys and three girls and my husband made a living for us, we did fairly well, all of our children are still living and they’re happy, so I’m happy. (Roseanne, 79)

To live a decent life, a comfortable life, and that basically makes me happy. (Luann, 81)

We don’t have to wait until we are old to use this knowledge. In our studies, the elders say that younger people can take this “savoring” approach to daily life now, and reap the benefits of it over the entire course of their lives.

For more information on the The Legacy Project, see the book 30 Lessons for Living: Tried and True Advice from the Wisest Americans, and meet the elders sharing lessons for happiness on our YouTube channel.

Sharon’s List for Living

Posted on by

Sharon, 79, shared her lessons for living in a letter with advice for every stage of life.

The topic you asked us to write about intrigued me. Thinking about it, it almost seems appropriate to have life lessons related to life stages:

Childhood

  • Believe in yourself and try to be around people who believe in you.
  • It is in fact hard for children to actually do this as they are limited in terms of the power and control they have over their environment. This is one of the major advantages of growing up.
  • Express yourself and explore.
  • Find a friend or soul mate to do it with you.

Young Adulthood

  • Work at finding something you are passionate about and pursue it.
  • Always aim to do more than is asked of you.
  • If you feel isolated and lacking in support, do something about it and don’t believe others if they say that they never feel that way too.
  • Find a life partner based on intimacy. A good test is: “Is that someone you would want to play with in the playground if you both were 6 years old?”
  • Chose someone for the joy or their voice or how they move; not to look after you financially or for status. Be prepared to find those things for yourself if you need them.

Adulthood

  • Never take your partner for granted. Treat them as you would your best friend. Good manners towards each other are an important part of home life. (I wish I knew this from my family of origin. It is one I am still struggling with.)
  • Hopefully you will have found your life partner first time around, but if not recognize the mistake and leave the relationship. It serves no purpose to ruin two people’s lives and it is important to model a positive relationship for your children
  • Children feel safest when they are with adults they can trust.
  • Be a trustworthy adult by being authentic and recognizing your own needs, and seeing that these needs are met. Modeling being a martyr does no favors to your children. Give them permission to do the same.
  • Enjoy your parents while they are still around both mentally and physically.

Now – Whenever That is

  • Balance your life so that you have time to enjoy the roses.
  • Do not take your health and well being for granted. Keep up the exercise and you can no longer indulge in some of the excesses that you could get away with when you were younger.
  • If your parents have become dependent on you, you have children again but this time you have to respect them as adults.
  • If you have not yet had a serious illness, be grateful.
  • Live each day as if you have had a serious look at your own mortality – so that there will be no regrets.
  • Enjoy the comfort and intimacy of old and newfound friends.
  • Give something back to the community.
  • Be a tribal elder.
  • Enjoy a good bottle of red.