For MLK Day: Life Lessons from a Tuskeegee Airman

In honor of Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, I’d like to share the story of one of the true heroes we encountered in the Legacy Project. TUSKEGEE-AIRMENWe heard many stories of overcoming adversity and discrimination, but no interviewee was more inspiring to me than Hiram Mann (pictured here in World War II). Hiram had to fight to find the work he loved, overcoming prejudice along the way. The struggle and the rewards of his 90 years were encapsulated in his first words in our interview: “I was one of the original legendary Tuskeegee Airmen.”

In the early 1940s the military was almost completely segregated and the Air Force did not even allow Blacks to enlist. But what if, as a young Black man, this was your chosen career, indeed your dream?

Hiram’s experiences as part of this unique group allowed him to achieve his childhood dream, and so shaped his lessons for work and career.

Back when I wanted to get into the military, before America got into the fighting in WWII, I wanted to fly an airplane. I had never been in an airplane in my life, though we’d seen them fly over. Well, I was a Depression-era child and pennies were very, very, tight to come by, but I would save my pennies in my box of wood and go to the hobby shop and try to make model airplanes and things when I wanted to fly.

Sometime in early 1941, I wanted to know about getting flying instructions to fight for my country. The letter of rejection that I received said point-blank, no easy words to smooth it over, that there were no facilities to train Negroes to fly in any branch of the American military service. That ticked me off. I balled the letter up and threw it away. There were Negroes that wanted to fly. But, all over the United States there were others in similar situations. I went back to my job being a bellhop in Cleveland, Ohio.

I applied again and I was very lucky. I passed and I continued to pass all of the examinations that I was given and I was in the 27th class that graduated.

Hiram thus refused to give up despite setbacks and his own self-doubt that emerged from being raised in a segregated society. Hiram needed a mix of courage, drive, patience, and forbearance to succeed in the 1940s military, where Blacks were unusual and Black officers an exotic curiosity. Nevertheless, he achieved his dream of fighting for his country, putting his life at risk in the war in Europe:

I was in combat. I’m a combat survivor. One of the questions a youth asked me was, “Were you afraid?” And I said, “Yes, I was afraid! When you let somebody get behind you who’s shooting at you and they’re trying to kill you and you know they are trying to kill you, you’d be afraid too if you had any sense.” So I will not lie. I told him, “Yes I was afraid.” I could see the bullets coming.

Where others might have given up, Hiram refused to become discouraged by the racial environment in the Air Force. Instead, he used the military experience, despite its difficulties, to create a career path that would have been almost unimaginable to him as a child. Hiram might be looking back on a lifetime as a hotel bellhop rather than as one of the pioneers of desegregation in the military, sought after in his ninth decade as a speaker, and a living symbol of perseverance in the face of adversity.

In the Legacy Project, Hiram shared some of his lessons for living – all good advice for young people today:

On tolerance:

I accept my fellow man as an individual. I try not to prejudge. I try to enter, whatever the situation may be, to get going to it with an open mind. I don’t look down at my skin or anyone else’s and say, “Oh, I’m colored.” That’s the way I approach most areas that I get into. I don’t let being colored keep me from doing something. Tolerate the other person.Tolerance – that goes a long way

On perserverence:

My mother had her basic teachings, she would not let me look down. She would tell me: “Hold your head up. No matter what, hold your head up.” And, my mother could not stand when I would say that I don’t have the background to do so and so and so. “What do you mean you don’t have the background?” She couldn’t stand that word background

On creating a legacy:

My legacy—I don’t know just what it’s going to be. I haven’t written it yet. But I do hope that I’ve contributed something to mankind, individually as well as connectively. I know that the Black pilots were instrumental in doing away with segregation in the United States. We broke the ice. We were a cause for eliminating segregation because of our combat record. We, the 332nd fighter group which later was re-designated as the Tuskegee Airmen, became the most requested unit to fly escort duty for the bombers because of the protection we gave them. There’s a part for that. Nothing I did individually, but my contribution to that will be part of my legacy. I’m very proud of the life I’ve lived. I’m proud of having been a black pilot and my contribution to society.

To learn more, here’s a video of Hiram sharing his life lessons to young people.

An Amazing Year for “30 Lessons for Loving” – Thanks to All!

Usually we devote this blog to sharing our elders’ practical advice for living. But I’d like to start out the new year by thankingthanks! all of you for helping to make the book based on the Legacy Project – 30 Lessons for Loving: Advice from the Wisest Americans on Love, Relationships, and Marriage – such a huge success. Based on surveys of over 700 elders – most married for three decades or more – the book provides guidance for finding a partner, keeping the spark alive, and making it to the finish line of a long and happy marriage. The book was published a year ago and just came out in paperback. And what a year it has been!

First, many thanks to wonderful folks in the media who kept me extraordinarily busy and helped spread the word about the Legacy Project. The hosts of the CBS Morning News made me so comfortable, I forgot about stage fright, as did the team at Fox & Friends and many other media outlets. I’m also grateful for major coverage from USA Today, the Wall Street Journal, the Chicago Tribune, the New York Times, and so many others. It’s great how many journalists really understand the importance of elder wisdom.

Second, I’m grateful to the many reviewers who responded so positively to the book. One of the wisest people I know is renowned advice columnist Amy Dickinson (“Ask Amy”), who called the book:

“A must-read for anyone contemplating marriage. The knowledge and wisdom gathered from this huge group of elders is both modern and timeless. It is inspiring, insightful, witty, and often — surprising. This is everything about living — and loving — in a long relationship I wish my grandmother had told me. I highly recommend it for engaged couples and newlyweds.”

Publisher’s Weekly said that “The advice is astute, fresh, and well selected by Pillemer. This book would serve as an excellent gift for newlyweds. And Blogcritics noted: “I highly recommend anyone considering getting into a relationship, having trouble with a relationship, hoping that a relationship will last, or questioning whether it’s time to get on with a relationship or leave it behind not just read this book but believe what’s in this book. It just might save a broken heart or two.”

Third,  I’m grateful to all of my readers, whose response to the book has been nothing short of overwhelming. You told me:

  • This is the best book I have read of its kind on this topic because it is simple and real advice from actual people who have been in long term relationships. Nothing is sugar coated and there are no quick fixes. After reading this book, I’ve been given new insight into other relationship behaviors that I will definitely cherish for the rest of my life whether I remain single or meet someone. Truly inspiring and touching. I don’t want to sound dramatic, but this book was life changing for me.
  • Learning from those who are older and wiser, who can speak from experience is an excellent approach. Well written and a very enjoyable read. I have purchased this book as a gift for others three times since reading it. The advice given is invaluable, practical and straight forward.
  • My husband I both read the book and found it to be full of helpful advice. It’s a good reminder of what it takes to have a long, success marriage at any stage. I not only recommend it to married couples, but more importantly, to those looking for the love of their life. Older adults have a wealth of knowledge and experience that we don’t always get to hear. It makes me think of my own grandparents – who have since passed – and the advice they might have shared. Love this book!
And I especially loved it when so many readers told me they purchased the book for loved ones getting married! I signed copies for some of them, and I am always happy to do so on request.
Finally, thanks to all of you who join us on the Legacy Project Site – around 15,000 people every month. You are the best endorsement of all of the value of elder wisdom and the ways it can enrich our lives!

 

 

Do You Need More Stuff? Some Christmas Elder Wisdom

First, let me say that I love the holiday season. But, as Christmas approaches and we are inundated with advertisements and messages to spend wildly, it’s worth taking a break for elder wisdom. In the Legacy Project, over and over the elders told us that people and experiences matter more than things. In hundreds of interviews, they unanimously caution that time spent getting a lot more stuff than you really need is time wasted. The holidays seem like the right time to listen to our elders and think twice about how much we buy.

Steve, 78, tells how he learned to put material rewards in perspective, focusing instead on the accumulation of love for family and friends. As I’m planning my Christmas shopping, I try to keep his lesson in my head!

We were among the very lucky ones. Both my wife and I were born into middle class merchant families, with caring parents in small communities where you knew and were known by your neighbors. My wife lost her father when she was only 13. She, her mother and sister moved to another, beautiful small community where life was comfortable though not luxurous and values for the young were set by the example of parent and community. My childhood with loving parents and an older brother was uncomplicated and also filled with good values set by example. Owning and accumulating was not an important part of life for either of our families.

This upbringing undoubtedly established most of our values and attitudes for the adult years. Honesty, integrity and compassion for ones fellow human beings remained the anchor for all decisions. As we matured, reared and educated four children and attempted to pass along those values to them, we learned that listening is far more important than lectures, and though it sometimes seemed we were not heard, the example of our lives spoke loudly to our youngsters.

Now, at 71 and 78, as we progress through our senior years, living comfortably — not luxurously — we are increasingly aware that accumulating STUFF is of little importance. The accumulation of love for each other, of our children and of life-long friends and extending that love to those less fortunate than we have been is the centerpiece of our lives, of humanity and civilization.

Home for the Holidays? Here’s Wisdom on How to Enjoy It

It’s the time of year when extended families – who may not see much of one another during the year – come families holiday timetogether to celebrate the seasonal holidays. If popular culture is to be believed, many parents and their adult children (and in-laws) look forward to the holiday with a mix of pleasure and worry about how everyone will get along. My surveys of approximately 2000 elders translate to the experience of around 160,000 Christmases  or Hanukkahs. Here’s their elder wisdom for how families can have a harmonious holiday together.

Eliminate Politics from the Dinner Table Discussion

When you are together at Thanksgiving, the elders advise, make contentious political arguments out of bounds. The elders say that these conflicts are simply unnecessary. Often, the urge is to make your loved ones “really understand” what’s going on in society and to show them how irrational or wrong-headed they are politically. The elders’ advice: Get your family to make it a rule to take noisy and unnecessary political debates off the table. (Remember, we’re not talking here about a lively, enjoyable political discussion; they mean the kind that ends with slamming doors and a spouse crying in the car).

Gwen Miles, 94, after many angry family fights over Democrats versus Republicans put her foot down: “I made the rule that there would be no discussions of politics when we were all together. And I said to my husband: “If Dad starts in about politics, I’m going to walk out of the room and you come see what’s wrong with me because I don’t want to hear this anymore.” The elders recommend applying this same rule to other “hot-button” issues  When buttons are pushed on a repetitive and sensitive topic, “just saying no” to the debate is an excellent – and potentially relationship-saving – option.

Don’t Try to Fix Each Other’s Life at Thanksgiving

When it comes to parents relating to their adult children, the elders are unequivocal: Let them live their own lives. They sum up this principle as: Don’t interfere unless they ask for your help. As Harriet, age 79, told me: “Give your kids their own lives. Don’t make demands on them. Just be there for them when they need you. And certainly don’t tell them what to do.” Joyce, 90, agreed: “It’s their life. It’s not my life. They all have their own way to do things and if they get into trouble and want some help, they’ll come to me.” Thanksgiving is not the time to exhort your child to get out of a relationship or get into one, to get a new job or stay in the old one, or to get his or her life on track. And the same holds true in the other direction: This is not the time for adult offspring to push the folks to sell the house or to start exercising. Let the holiday also be a break, the elders say, from trying to change one another.

Don’t Take Everything Personally 

The elders recommend an important strategy when the family is all together: de-personalize negative interactions as much as you can. By considering, for example, how parents’ (or parents-in-law’s) background and upbringing influence their attitudes and behavior, it’s possible to take conflict less personally and achieve some emotional distance in the relationship. Annie, 81, lived near her parents-in-law for most of her married life and the relationship was not an easy one. But when they got together on holidays, she made this rule: “Rather than assume the worst, it’s more helpful to assume that they are saying things to you because they want to help their child and you. Try to realize that their intentions are good and sometimes people, especially as they get older, can’t change the way they deal with others in their life.” Parents can take the same approach toward their adult children.

Remind Yourself Why You Are Doing It

This final tip from the elders is one that many have used like a mantra in difficult family situations. Tell yourself this: the effort to accommodate your family is one of the greatest gifts you can offer – both to them, and to yourself. The closest thing to a “magic bullet” for motivating yourself to put the effort into a Thanksgiving gathering, the elders tell us, is to remember that you are doing it because you love your family. Talking about in-laws, Gwen, 94, said: “You may not like your in-laws very much but you certainly can love them and stay close to them.” According to our elders, stepping back and taking this larger view can get you through the pumpkin pie with a minimum of stress.

 

Four Tips for a Happy Wedding- From the Real Experts!

What do the oldest and wisest Americans – some married for 50 years or more – advise for a meaningful and enjoyable wedding? Here are four “trade secrets” they have learned for couples getting ready to tie the knot. There’s much more advice in the paperback edition of 30 Lessons for Loving, due to come out on December 1!30 Lessons for Loving.paperback

Be an Optimist as You Go to the Altar

The media often portray marriage as under threat, doomed, or dying. Therefore, many young people enter their marriages with a pessimistic attitude. The hundreds of long-married elders in the surveys provide a much more hopeful picture. They weathered the dry spells and difficulties, and made it to the finish line – and are very glad they did. Their lesson is that a long marriage is in fact sometimes hard: it takes drive, spirit, and determination to “hang in there when times get tough,” as one 94-year old declared. But in their view, a great lifelong marriage is possible – and they are living examples of that fact. And remember that research shows many marriages do last, and divorce rates are going down. So go into your new life together feeling positive about your chances at a lifetime together.

A “magic bullet” for resolving disagreements

Wedding discussions can breed conflict for two reasons. First, in some decisions couples can’t have it both ways – you can’t both get married in the college chapel and have a destination wedding in Aruba. Second, the decisions have deadlines – the guest list can’t wait weeks while you debate his old girlfriend can some or not.

Fortunately, the elders I interviewed offered a great tip to break an impasse. April, 74, suggested:

There was one thing that we came to early on that really stayed with us. If we were in some sort of struggle over something, we would stop and say, “Which one of us is this more important to?” And when we could figure that out, the other one found it so much easier to let go. But you have to consciously stop and figure it out.

In your next argument about some wedding feature, stop and ask: “Who cares more about this?” And if possible, let that person have his or her way. Grace, age 70, suggested a variation:  that each member of the couple gets to declare one thing they cannot live without in the wedding; everything else is negotiable.

Use the Wedding for Communication Practice

It’s no question that husbands and wives can experience tension around weddings. Juggling the cost (Can we really afford a live band?), the invitations (Do second cousins get to come?), and well-intentioned relatives (Can I hang up on my mother when she calls with one more worry?) lead to stress. Stop to remember: If this is the most stressful experience you have in your married life, you will be very lucky. Learn to use some good conflict resolution techniques recommended by people married a half century or more, including:

  • Let the other person have his or her say before interrupting.
  • Avoid letting anger lead you to contemptuous remarks, like insults or sarcasm
  • Take at time out if you need it – not everything needs to be discussed until resolved; drop a contentious issue and come back to it.

Why not take advantage of the golden opportunity to practice good communication early on?

People and Experiences over Things

The elders worry about young people focusing too much on “stuff” at weddings, and not enough about savoring the people and experiences that come with it. Psychologists make this distinction, finding that greater happiness comes from activities that are rewarding in and of themselves rather than acquiring material possessions.  When thinking about a wedding, you can be sure that 50 years from now, you will remember sharing the joy with friends and relatives and taking a great honeymoon trip than you will the cappuccino maker and the steak knives. When budgeting, thing about doing rather than getting. For example, having a wedding in a cheaper venue and lower-cost catering so you can invite more people you care about, in their view, is a good choice. And those gifts? Don’t forget to ask for help funding a trip that leaves life-long memories.

Lessons for a Long Marriage – Our Intern Reports!

It’s time for the second elder wisdom report from our summer interns! Rachel Tannenbaum is a senior Welcome-Interns-Signmajoring in Human Development at Cornell University. Here’s what she learned about marriage from a wise pair of elders:

I had the privilege of conducting the interview with Selma in person. Upon entering her home, I was greeted enthusiastically by Selma and her husband Arthur. Only minutes had passed before it become evident as to why they are considered “one of the sweetest and most genuine couples in the community.” Arthur sat by Selma’s side, ensuring that she was comfortable throughout our time together. I was truly looking forward to hearing their advice about maintaining a loving relationship.

Selma, age 88 and Arthur, age 90, have been married for 66 years. Selma was very excited to tell me about their relationship. To start, she shared what she considers a critical trait in a good partner:

One that respects you and treats you like a lady. We’re married for 66 years, and my husband still treats me as a lady and with a great deal of respect.

Selma continued to explain how they have managed to live happily together for so many years:

We lived a very good life – not monetarily, but we realized our limitations and we just lived that way. We learned not to expect things that are difficult for a husband or wife to achieve. Whatever my husband earned, that was okay, we made out.

Arthur added, “We had fun, we enjoyed life.” That is not to say that the two perceive marriage as an easy process. They do agree that marriage is tough, and that differences and complexities arise along the way. However, they have developed practices that have helped them successfully overcome these issues.

Arthur was eager to join our conversation and share what he believes has contributed to their strong marriage:

We started off by saying to each other that we resolve our arguments if we can, before the night comes, and try to wake up with a clean slate. If you take your arguments to bed, they become enlarged and the next morning you wake up and don’t remember what the argument was about but still retain your anger.

From the genuine interactions I witnessed between Selma and Arthur, it was clear that they continue to adhere to this practice. Many people have a tendency to leave conflicts unresolved and questions unanswered, hoping that “sleeping on them” will improve the situation. As Selma and Arthur have demonstrated, discussing even the most minor differences allows for a successful relationship!

Jeremiah’s Lesson for Living: Wisdom Gathered by our Summer Interns!

Our summer interns are back! Two great undergraduates spent part of the summer interviewing older Welcome-Interns-Signpeople about their advice for living. Here’s the post from Margo Rieman, a junior attending Tulane University in New Orleans, Louisiana, majoring in Management and Psychology and minoring in French. While conducting her interview, Margo learned the importance of thinking wisely, working hard and saving your money. Here’s her report:

When one is young, it can be difficult to make smart decisions and spend your time wisely because understanding and effectively anticipating the long-term costs and benefits associated with a given choice can be challenging. Many people rely on past experiences and invested costs when making life decisions. However, ignoring other factors – particularly the future – may result in a short-sighted perspective.

Jeremiah, a former World War II veteran and now a 99-year old New Yorker, had some wisdom to offer on this topic. Jeremiah made it clear that there are certain things in life that should be prioritized when making major life decisions, despite your immediate wants and needs. Jeremiah recants his experiences below and emphasizes the importance of thinking wisely, going to college, and saving your money.

I was a veteran in World War II. I could have gone to college on the G.I.’s Bill of Rights but I wanted to live, more or less. If you grew up in the 30’s you didn’t have the same opportunities as you do today because of the lack of money. So once you’re in service, and you accumulate some money, after you get discharged you have this money supposedly – what they call, “on the books” – coming to you, so you want to go out and buy a car, which is a mistake. I should have used it to go to college. I wasn’t a gambler or anything like that so I kind of accumulated quite a bit of money.

That perspective, the war, changed me, you know. Plus I had a high school education, and I wasn’t real smart, in fact I was below level but I could have went to college. I didn’t want to, I wanted to have a good time. Well, now I’m pushing 100. I never saved any of my money, and I’m broke. When you see on the television that you need hundreds of thousands of dollars for retirement, they’re not far off.

Jeremiah concluded:

Work hard, save your money. You’re always going to have stressful experiences, but if you know what you’re doing, you can do it. Be conservative. Be very dedicated to what you’re doing. You gotta have fun but it should be 20 percent of your efforts. The thing is if you do it when you’re young, you’ll be better off when you get older.

Jeremiah’s advice forewarned me of the importance of saving while I’m young and to work hard in all my endeavors. He gave me confidence that I will succeed if I am knowledgeable and experienced in the work I am pursuing.

 

 

Learn to Be Grateful

It’s World Gratitude Day today – and it’s a day we like to celebrate here at the Legacy Project!
gratefulness

An attitude of gratitude” is an expression that popped up frequently among the elders. Research shows that promoting a feeling of gratitude can lead to improved psychological well being. here are a few lessons from the elders that can help motivate you in a grateful direction:

Be grateful for every day you have. I’m serious about that. Just be grateful of every day you have and enjoy. (Purnima, 81)

It’s an everyday thing, because I like to be thankful, I like to be thankful for what I have and my good health. And the blessings that the Lord gives us from day to day we should be thankful for. And another thing is to try to live your life daily, one day at a time. Look ahead but still make the most of each day. (Tanya, 79)

Take time to replenish yourself – sleep, quiet time, music, reading, enjoying nature. It’s difficult to keep going when you are running on empty. Be grateful in your everyday life for the small stuff. (Rudy, 84)

And my favorite, from Becky, 89:

In spite of growing up and attending college in the Depression years, the “good life” for me began in earliest childhood when I was raised in a loving and encouraging family and enriched by many inspiring role models. Then, fortunately, our marriage was a happy and rewarding one that enabled us to meet ups and downs together.  For both of us, gratitude and giving thanks to our parents and others along the way was simply a way of life.  I am not sure the importance of a simple “Thank you” or caring gesture is stressed enough today.

From Lee Woodruff: “What My Mother-in-Law Taught Me”

Spending the summer in Scotland, I think often of my mother-in-law, Clare. She was a funny, woodrufffamily2bfeisty, kind, loving woman, who immigrated to the U. S. from Scotland shortly before my wife was born. She became a second mother to me after my own died too young.  In the seven years since she left us, I still miss Clare greatly. I am reminded of daily of her here, when I hear the Scottish accent and  the familiar expressions she used (most frequently, to me, “Don’t be daft, laddie!”), and visit her home town, Glasgow.

So I am delighted to post this guest blog by the wonderful Lee Woodruff, who writes eloquently about family and many other issues (check out Lee’s blog here). She beautifully sums up the wisdom she learned from her mother-in-law – it’s really a tribute to mothers-in-law everywhere.

What I Learned from My Mother-in-Law, by Lee Woodruff

These are some of the things I know to be true about my mother-in law:

  • She believed without a doubt that her four sons were perfect.  And even if they weren’t, she never said otherwise in public.
  • She taught me to set up the coffee maker in the evening so all you had to do was push a button in the morning.
  • The definition of a 1950’s era lady, she wore her Revlon Moonrise Pink lipstick at all times.  Like most of us, she was never fully satisfied with her hairdo.
  • Her signature saying, “It only takes a minute,” applied as equally to doing four loads of laundry or whipping up a steak dinner, as it did to driving from Detroit to New York to visit her grandchildren.
  • It was her personal philosophy to never say a bad word publically about other people.
  • Homemade chocolate chip cookies were her calling card.  They had verifiable magic powers to change the course of an illness, heal a broken heart, brighten up a new home, refresh a friendship, thank people, wish a Merry Christmas or just simply say “hi.”  To know Frannie Woodruff was to have eaten one of her ultra thin and crispy chocolate chips, the secret of which she liberally shared — extra butter and cake flour.
  • She was an early convert to “transition” glasses, which meant her Jackie-O size  lenses were usually a shade of dark purple, even when indoors.  Although her sons teased her, I now realize it was a clever way to have “eyes in the back of her head.”
  • No matter what she ordered at a restaurant (usually Fettuccine Alfredo), when it came, 90% of the time, before she even tasted it, she remarked that she should have ordered what we did.
  • I’ve tried to imagine all the places she went in the pairs of white and black formal gloves that she gave to my daughters for dress-up, including one elegant opera length kid leather pair smelling faintly of smoke.
  • She knew bank tellers, grocery clerks, pharmacists, hairdressers, T.J. Maxx employees and just about everyone else by their first names.
  • Raising four boys in the 70’s who played every sport imaginable, she inexplicably cooked only one package of frozen corn at dinner, causing them to develop a lifelong habit of eating too fast.
  • She knew the names of every one of our neighbors in all of the cities we ever lived and kept up with some of them—adding them to her Christmas card list– long after we’d moved.
  • She worshipped butter, whole milk, and cream sauces.  Her sister Lynnie bought a framed poster of a stick of butter and Frannie coveted it so much that she dragged Lynn to every Homegoods store in the greater Detroit metro area looking for its duplicate.  In the end—they agreed to share it.
  • She could not have told you what NPR stood for and did not listen to it.
  • She danced the Charleston like she had rubber bands for legs and enthusiastically taught my children how.
  • She was an avid reader of mass-market fiction.  We both shared a secret love of Sidney Sheldon.
  • Bob and I moved to nine places in 25 years of marriage (seven were domestic) and she was physically there for all seven.   In each house she would unfailing set up the kitchen (my version of plunging toilets after an intestinal virus) and unpack boxes with me from dawn until long after the kids went to bed.  I always gave up first.
  • She was such an enthusiastic and regular patron of TJ Maxx and Marshalls that on her 70thbirthday, her local store had a nametag made for her.
  • She never spent a second worrying that she needed to fulfill herself, find her passion or broaden her horizons, and she could not have accurately defined the word “feminist.”  She was 100% happy being a wife, mother and the “World’s Best Grandma,” although she never would have worn the T-shirt out of the house.
  • Never once in my presence was she able to work the TV controller, program the VCR or operate the cable box.  She did, however, have a grasp on the volume button.
  • She set a gold standard, real life example of the word “devotion.”  Watching her move through the world, I learned many important things that go into the secret sauce of being a wife, mother and good girlfriend —  not just in the placid times, but when the going gets choppy.
  • She taught me you could drive a car with your left leg up on the console, a coffee cup balanced on the dashboard and the seat belt alarm circumvented by clever buckling.
  • She was the oldest sister of three girls (like me) and two brothers.  Watching her interact with her siblings was my preview for how that bond would further strengthen, long after the kids are grown and flown.
  • The famous story of Frannie — one Pappagallo shoe on the flank of their black lab as she extruded a long stream of black plastic garbage bag out of the dog’s butt (he had escaped and eaten a neighbor’s garbage AND the bag)  — became an iconic metaphor in our house for some event, issue or what-have-you that just won’t end.
  • Her cornflower blue eyes and signature dark “Dawson” brows and lashes were passed on to her lucky, lucky boys. (Why is it always the boys who get this gene?)
  • She was fortunate enough to die exactly the way she would have wanted — in her own home, in her own bed, surrounded by her devoted husband and her beloved boys, and the repeated assurances (not that she needed them) that she was the most loved, most wonderful Mom in the world.  And she was.

Rest in Peace Frances Dawson Woodruff – 1933 — 2013

Follow Lee Woodruff on Twitter: @LeeMWoodruff

Check out Lee’s website: http://leewoodruff.com/