It’s time for the second elder wisdom report from our summer interns! Rachel Tannenbaum is a senior majoring in Human Development at Cornell University. Here’s what she learned about marriage from a wise pair of elders:
I had the privilege of conducting the interview with Selma in person. Upon entering her home, I was greeted enthusiastically by Selma and her husband Arthur. Only minutes had passed before it become evident as to why they are considered “one of the sweetest and most genuine couples in the community.” Arthur sat by Selma’s side, ensuring that she was comfortable throughout our time together. I was truly looking forward to hearing their advice about maintaining a loving relationship.
Selma, age 88 and Arthur, age 90, have been married for 66 years. Selma was very excited to tell me about their relationship. To start, she shared what she considers a critical trait in a good partner:
One that respects you and treats you like a lady. We’re married for 66 years, and my husband still treats me as a lady and with a great deal of respect.
Selma continued to explain how they have managed to live happily together for so many years:
We lived a very good life – not monetarily, but we realized our limitations and we just lived that way. We learned not to expect things that are difficult for a husband or wife to achieve. Whatever my husband earned, that was okay, we made out.
Arthur added, “We had fun, we enjoyed life.” That is not to say that the two perceive marriage as an easy process. They do agree that marriage is tough, and that differences and complexities arise along the way. However, they have developed practices that have helped them successfully overcome these issues.
Arthur was eager to join our conversation and share what he believes has contributed to their strong marriage:
We started off by saying to each other that we resolve our arguments if we can, before the night comes, and try to wake up with a clean slate. If you take your arguments to bed, they become enlarged and the next morning you wake up and don’t remember what the argument was about but still retain your anger.
From the genuine interactions I witnessed between Selma and Arthur, it was clear that they continue to adhere to this practice. Many people have a tendency to leave conflicts unresolved and questions unanswered, hoping that “sleeping on them” will improve the situation. As Selma and Arthur have demonstrated, discussing even the most minor differences allows for a successful relationship!