883 thoughts on “"Children Who Break Your Heart": A Reader Asks for Your Advice”

1. My beautiful boy is 18 end of this month , I bought a special card to mark this birthday some months ago only now I don’t know what to do with it give it to him or write it and keep it in the cupboard so he gets it when I’m long gone .
   No idea what I have done to make my son hate me so much we were so close it was always me and my boy .Last few years has been tough for us both with my mental heath and his , Last summer he never came home from his last day at school I didn’t know if he was alive or dead .I done everything to try and find him , with the help of social services and his Doctor and school ( as he has special needs ) they got him to sign a section 20 and place himself in the care of the local authority .
   My only crime as I was advised was asking social services with help for his self harming which was really bad .6 months later he walked back into my parents house now is with them won;t talk to me and refers to me with my parents by my first name .I’m totally heartbroken and have cried every day since last July this is something I’ll never get over .My heart is broken into a million pieces he now says he has been misdiagnosed nothing wrong with him 34 specialists can’t be wrong that is something his doctor needs to answer as I have put in a complaint about her and social services .What they done to me was beyond wicked .

2. I don’t even know what to say. I have 3 children 22, 17 almost 18 and 16. My 17 year old son recently, 2 weeks ago, moved out and in with his, what I was told 15 year old girlfriend, her mother, mothers boyfriend and a little brother. I find out the girl is 14, meaning in 6 weeks my son is committing a felony with potential to be a registered sex offender. Of course I was furious. He showed up 4 nights ago while I was gone and took a bunch of stuff, his clothes but also other things, from my house. When I got home he came back and it turned into a huge fight. This girls mother was screaming from her car at me what a horrible mother I am, I picked a stranger over my son (his best friend-well not anymore my son disowned him-lives with us from California for a year now). My son and his friend got into a fist fight with me and my husband having to break it up. My son says I need to just support him because he’s almost an adult and this is what he says is his happiness and success. He goes on about how I’m just upset because he’s almost 18 and making mature decisions about his future that don’t involve me. Yes committing a felony is very mature. We’ve been very close, me kids. My daughter, 22, still lives at home and is starting nursing school in the fall, just like her mom. All of kids are very independent. I wasn’t a strict parent, but I had certain expectations that are 100% to be met, period. My son has dropped out of high school. Quit his job that he had for a year at the nursing home I work at. It’s doing online scams through Amazon for money, which I’m pretty sure is illegal too. I’ve done everything I can to give these kids a better life than I had. The other 2 kids are very good, successful, responsible, independent, just very proud of the people that they have and continue to become. I also found out he’s been trying to sell people’s pills for them. Adderrall and oxycodone. He watched his dad’s life be ruined by those 2 drugs that eventually turned to heroin and crimes to support it.

   Their dad, my ex, is in prison. So he wasn’t the best parent and role model as you can imagine. He loves his kids very much but his addiction wins every time. He has been talking to the kids and I went to his mom’s the other night to talk to him from prison and let him know everything that his son is doing.

   Anyways I’m done. He’s chosen this little girl and her mother. I’m not supporting him. I honestly don’t want any contact with him. It hurts too much to watch him ruin his life. He was, is my baby boy. I will always love him but I do not agree with the choices he’s making. It will do nothing but cause him great heartache and grief one day. I cry daily about this and I am not a person that ever cries. Not ever! I honestly don’t know what to do. My fiance is still on good terms with my son but I’m really contemplating just cutting him off until he can pull his head out of his ass and truly be a responsible, mature young adult.

3. We are in the same boat as so many of you. We have 4 adult sons and only #3 has anything to do with us. However, he only calls on birthdays, Christmas, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day——-never at any other time. They are simply duty calls. He lives in another state. Child #4 had two children out of wedlock when he was young. He got total custody. They all 3 lived with us, we cared for the children, I homeschooled them, took them to Church, etc. Then he met a woman who didn’t like any of that. She convinced him to put them in public school. She got pregnant, they got married and we haven’t seen our grandchildren in over 3 years. They were so close to us and told us they would rather live with us, but they had no choice. It’s so heartbreaking. I blame our son as well as his wife. It was her plan to get rid of us, but he didn’t have to go along with it. We spent a lot of money on our son and the children, so now we are hurting financially. How sad that we give so much to our children and then they ignore us in our later years. They all go with the wife’s family.
   I don’t know what’s wrong with this generation. I know others in the same situation. I feel for all of you.

4. I just need and an advice how could i dont get embarres of my son doing his 23 to 24 he is adhd dropout of school Been looked up cause of drug wet is a street name he off probation but Steel doing stupid things and it effects me i get so depress i dont have a life

5. I have lost two adult sons, one at age 32 in 2001 and the other, at age 35, in 2008. Recently, my daughter who is the youngest of my three children, now age 38, has shut me completely out of her life and will not allow any contact from me with her and my four year old grandson. She has done this two times prior to this one but I believe she is determined to never see me again. I have tried very hard throughout her life to be very supportive and encouraging. I know she is very hurt and angry with me. But I feel like I am always bending over backwards to try to get along with her. She seems to be angry a lot of the time, and with others, as well. I have tried so hard to be a good mother and grandmother and I know I have made mistakes. Now i feel like I have lost all of my children and it hurts deeply. I just don’t think I can continually appease my daughter in order to have a relationship with her. My sons never acted this way towards me. They may have been angry with me at times, but they were always respectful and kind to me. They never blamed me for anything. My daughter blames me for almost everything. And she seems so filled with rage. I just can’t let this destroy my life. I am determined to have a good life in spite of this.

6. Oh my my ….. I’m sitting here inside on a beautiful sunny day reading all these posts. Putting “My 16 yr. old is not speaking to me” into the search box led me to this (depressing) thread. I am very alone in raising her and it has always just bean the two of us living together, as she has no father, siblings, cousins, or grandparents. I only HOPE we make it through this rough spot to become close again…….. as so many of you have written, it doesn’t seam to be a given. I wish you all the best ….. the parents and the adult children ! Try to forgive and let go without cutting each other out of your hearts. Both of my parents died when I was 26. That was ten years before I decided to become a parent…. even though I was single. I’m almost 53 now and my daughter only has one more year of high school……. Really hope she doesn’t cut me out of her life….. I love her so much and will always love her even if she does.

7. For some of us, estrangement is an act of psychological self-preservation.

   My mother and father divorced when I was very young, I am an only child. Many years later I met him for lunch at which point he told me: “For a long time, I regretted that you were ever born, but it was nothing personal. I was just angry at your mother.” He also made sure I clearly understood that in the future he would only see me if his new wife was present because “she never excludes me.” I will not see or speak to him again.

8. Wow i feel for you all.my daughter is ten.from a previous marriage .and i love my daughter to death. I have remarried she didnt come to my wedding . She has decided to.live with her dad who.lies and smokes dope. He influences her to get back at me after 8 years even though he has moved on with someone else and she has three children from a previous relationship.they are frauding centrelink. Influence my daughter against me.my heart breaks everyday and i pray to god for fixing this.

9. Amy Ries, I understand your feelings, I am married to a wonderful husband who is a great father to our 16yr old daughter and 11 year old son, yet our 16 year old daughter became difficult at age 15 1/2, and was determined to exercise her right to be allowed to do what she wanted at age 16, as the law permits here. Nothing helped, tried talking, counselling, reasoning, in the end she has accused us of abuse and gets all the help she may think she needs, she has no extended family, just two friends and in school holidays stays there, the social services gave her a allowance and scholarship for boarding at school. She was a top grade student and now is failing, my only connection was to the school website which has her grades, I asked the school for help, offered help, but the principal excludes us, and now changed the password to the website, and am completely cut off, Yet the law makes me legally responsible for her till she is 18 years old….system is wrong, and damaging our family to beyond repair.

10. My daughter turns 15 next week and has decided she needs a break from me. So she is living with her father for two weeks. She has been drinking and smoking and stealing and lying. I’ve tried to discipline her but each time I do she leaves for her father’s home and he has the mentality that whatever goes on at my house is my problem. She is allowed to smoke and drink at his house. So she told me that she has lived hell with me and needs a break. She refuses to tell me why and won’t speak to me. She is a very demanding child. I have a handicapped older son that she mocks, she steals from her older sister, tell me to get f’ed up the ass, calls everyone vile names, is angry because I won’t take her on my honeymoon next year, and is upset when we go out to eat a restaurant when she isn’t at my home but at her father’s. She purposefully breaks our things when she gets angry with us. I just don’t know what i did. I raised her the same as my other two, they are great and ordinary children. They are both 17 and struggle as teeanger’s do (deciding what they want to do with their lives, getting a job etc) I just don’t know.

11. i have four sons, (grown) who have all cut me out of their lives and thus the lives of their wives and children. I was not a great mother but i wasnt horrible either. How do you get over knowing the very people you gave birth to hate you? I cry myself to sleep and call their phones just to hear their voices in the voicemail and I want to stop. I have done everything i know how to make up the awful childhood they claim to have had to them and nothing works. At one point do you say enough, my heart cant break anymore and move on as if you never had children and will never know your grandchildren? Any suggestions on moving on without them being part of my life?

12. Amy I would guess your daughter is just acting out like teenagers do. I have the same issue as Betty my daughter has been shutting me out off & on for close to 20 years. Some times for 6 months to year at a time. This time has been almost 3 years. She text me I am dead to her. I have always been the one to beg, apologize, plead. I bought the book Walking on Eggshells which really opened my eyes that she is probably BPD Borderline Personality Disorder which includes Narcissism & lack of empathy for others. I am now 63 too tired for the roller coaster ride so I too have decided to just try to live as happy as possible. I am fortunate my son does not treat me like this and doesn’t understand why his sister does. Betty so sorry for your loss.

13. I hate Mother’s Day. Seeing all the happy “normal” families celebrating, and all the Facebook posts from the children and adults to their mothers just hurts my heart and fills me with sadness and longing. Every year I think maybe I’ll get a card from him this year. He used to call me which made me very happy. Last year I did not get a phone call, he simply posted a message on Facebook wishing me and his wife and all mothers a happy Mother’s Day. This year, his wife posted one, saying happy Mother’s Day from both of us. She asked me if I knew that my granddaughter had been in the hospital for a week and a half with a double ear infection. I said no because he never calls me, the only time I find out anything is from you. She is a very sweet and loving daughter in law, and I love her very much. But I don’t want to cause friction between them, so I don’t say much. I may not of been a perfect mother but I was a good mother. I have regrets and I did make mistakes, but I have apologized repeatedly, and I think that I have been paid back in spades. I have learned that the more we try to cling to them, the harder they push us away. My thoughts and prayers go out to all of you on this site, including the few adult children who have posted responses. I like to read your point of view of the situations. I do not know the answer on how to stop the agonizing hurt in our hearts, except to just trust God to watch over them, and if they are happy in their lives be grateful for that. And allow yourself to cry on Mother’s Day when the card and call doesn’t come.

14. Patricia Case, I also have 4 grown sons. Three have cut us out of their lives with no explanation. We hear from the 4th one occasionally, but he lives out of town and really doesn’t care much either. The worst part for me was the loss of two grandchildren who were closer to me than my own children. I don’t even know the other two. I tried a number of times to have contact with our sons, but they are not interested.

    Anyway, to save myself, I had to let go. My faith has been my biggest help. I go to Mass every day and put my trust in God’s plan. There are still times, like Mother’s Day, when I get down, but basically I am finished. Much of it is a conscious choice. I decided it was over, found other things to do with my time and just let go. It’s hard, but somewhat liberating when you can do it.

    Also, I took the three out of my will. They cannot treat me this way and expect anything from me. My husband won’t do that and I don’t understand. The saddest thing to me is that I know so many people in the same situation.

15. I have a daughter of 24 married with a daughter after my divorce she hated me and cut me out of her life did not speak to me for 2 years when she got pregnant she come back into my life I thought wow this is a good thing I found out her husband was wanting to leave state to see other women he had lost 2 jobs since the beginning of the year and he is gonna loose the job he has now my daughter had told me this and also explained how in 2 years she wants to clean up credit and pay medical bills and buy a house I explained that you need to have a steady income for a bank to approve a loan and with her husband not able to seam to keep a job lately I didn’t know how that would happen well of course that angered her and she has again told me she doesn’t want me in her life I have apologized for what I said but she don’t want to hear it. I will mail birthday cards and xmas presents to my grandbaby and see where it goes. yes it hurts but what are you suppose to do you cant beg them to be in your life . the saddest thing for me is she has an older sister she wants nothing to do with and a younger brother that I don’t know how she will see him

16. I cut my parents off. They know what they did. I guess I should rant about how abusive they were, how much injustice I feel, how they stole my childhood. Something to justify myself.

    But I wont. It hurts every day of my life and will until I die.

    Mom and dad for what it is worth I did love you and I think in some ways you did as well. Sorry, it didnt work out. If it is any help I am a much better parent then you were, if only because the bar is so low. So you did teach me what not to do. You have a a grand daughter btw but you will never meet her. She is safe, loved, and smart.

17. It’s a comfort to know I am not the only one going through the heartache of being hated by a child. I am grieving for all of us. In spite of all I’ve done for her and loved her, my 32 year old daughter ignores my requests to see her and my grandchildren ( who I helped raise since they were babies). She won’t and can’t tell me why she hates me she just does. I’m almost 70 and recovering from major surgery and yesterday she was 2 hours late coming over to bring me medicine and food. When I asked her what kept her, she exploded and screamed in my f ace that I was lucky she even came over. She went on a 20 minute rant about how she hates me and I am to blame for her problems and then gave me the middle finger and told me to f@$# myself and stormed out of my house. She didn’t leave me my medicine nor my food. I had to call a service to help me because she is my only living relative and all my friends were either at work or out of town. She has done things like this so often in the past 2 years that I have decided she is dead to me. We were best friends up until 2 years ago but that sweet person has been replaced by someone evil and the kindhearted daughter I had is gone. She is sick with hatred, blame and revenge and her light has gone out so I will mourn her as a dead person. It’s all I can do . It’s the only option to keep my sanity and my will to live on. I’m out of hope she will change so I will have to proceed as if I never had her. I’m done.

18. It is a comfort to know there are more of us out there, but the media sure does not show it…so our hearts break.

    To the child who said he had lousy parents who “stole” his childhood, watch out.

    I too thought I was parenting “so much better than my parents” who hit us and made us work and yelled and screamed at us and would never let us do anything. I gave my daughter the life I dreamed of having. She met an arrogant boy in college and turned her back on everything – Family / Friends / Morals she was taught etc.

    To the woman who mourns on Mothers Day:

    I too have not got a Mothers Day card/Birthday card in three years. I make sure I VOLUNTEER on holidays : Veteran Dinners / Homeless Soldiers at Holidays / Homeless Shelter Holiday Baskets/Dinners / Dinners for the elderly. I just make sure I’m too exhausted to hurt so much and I am relieved when the holidays are over.
    I also make sure to treat myself to SOMETHING at those times…a nice dinner / a massage / an expensive lotion I might not normally buy.

    Someone else mentioned this and it is true: In the end, we really are not parents and children…We are all just people, so I try to be good to everyone and treat everyone as specially as I treated my daughter when she was in my life.

19. I have no problems with my sons but they say they don’t have time to visit…I often wonder if theyl even miss me when im gone…It hurts!!!

20. I’ve been divorced seven years. My sixteen year old son lives with my ex in New mexico, I live in California. I had his car towed away because he was using drugs and had drugs in the vehicle. He was warned what would happen. I pay for the insurance and my name is also on the registration along with his. He was out of town when the car got towed. He sent me a really horrible text. he said I’m not his mother anymore, that he hates me, that he will never speak to me again, and that I am a devil.( I had to chuckle on that one. )This boy has already lost a vehicle previously for the same reasons, my ex was the bad guy then. The thing that’s so hard is that I never raised him to be like that.Told my ex he needs rehab but that doesn’t compute with this man. My son use to be a sweet, kind boy. Well two years of weed and God knows what else and there you have it. I know how gut wrenching it is for everyone and its so hard to let go. I have let go to the best of my ability. My 23 year old daughter turns into Godzilla when she’s around my ex. I am going to counseling so I don’t lose my mind. I have been crying off and on for days! God Bless everyone! Thanks for letting me vent….

21. I lift us all up to God who can heal those hurts. I sit here tonight with tears for the same reason. Ouch.

22. but i was a good mom! this is unfair….i am heartbroken and tired of having someone hate me when i have done nothing to deserve it…im so tired of being hated because someone is emotionally ill. everyone is so sick. i just cant do it anymore. im done. im not going to act like its all me when im the only one that puts any energy or thought into relationships. my grown sons are horrible to me and i cant do it anymore. why would they want me destroyed? what kind of son hates his own mother? devastated.

23. As reading all this. To all the children that has estranged either parent be prepared for your bundle(s) of joy to estrange you. Children follow learned behavior. Be willing to take the abuse you have to your parents. For yours will be worse than anything you can do to your parents. Rember your children are learning from your immaturity and stubbornness of not taking responsibility of your actions. I’m glad to know your children squired out with Manuels. To all the parents that have been estranged, tell your children to grow up!! Or walk away one day karma is going to turn and that wave is going to be rough. Your children are taking away the heritage of their children how much hate their little souls will have for the parent that has estranged you.

24. For the parents who made it a mission to give their children everything they never had: What you needed as a child may be very different from what your child needs/needed. What a Type A parent thinks is loving parenting, for example, may feel like rejection, contempt and demands that are impossible to meet to a Type B child.

25. When I was 15 yrs old, I was taken advantage of(I hate the r word) and impregnated. Even at that young naive age I didn’t believe in abortion so I arranged an adoption to a couple that my uncle knew. It was a very hard pregnancy & my mental state was almost on hold it seems. I was bed ridden with severe toximia for the last 6 months & then had him 2 months after my 16th birthday. The adoption was very open & when I awoke from the crash c-section he was in the cradle thing next to me. I knew it from about 5 months along but, I loved him so very much. I knew that I always would love him. The couple took him home to the next state over & I started back to finish high school. 2 months later the couple shows up & hands him to me. Then they left. He had cradle cap, a bad bald spot on the back of his head & was extremely colicky. I knew what I had to do, and that was to just give it all I had & try my best. I was going to high school(w a daycare) full time & then working at McDonald’s full time. All my money was going to gas, diapers & paying my little sisters to babysit. It was getting very stressful & then the night of his conception started filling my mind like my brain had said “ok you have to deal with this now”. I was a mess, I couldn’t buy my baby brand new clothes let alone school supplies or a college education when the time came. That’s about when my parents sat me down & offered to adopt him(but they did it in a weird way), and knowing that they could give him everything he could ever need & I’d know right where he was, after thinking for a week or so, I said yes. We agreed as a family that it would be best to not tell him how he came to be, or about the 2 months with the weird couple. After they adopted him I kind of lost my mind for awhile, till I was about 25 to be honest. Once you get locked in to a good ‘mind losing’ it’s hard to pull yourself out of it I guess. My parents took good care of him, they spoiled him rotten though which I had said I didn’t want them to do, but he had a good life. At 29 I married the man of my dreams & my son(I’ll never be able to view him as my brother) was right by my side. He used to secretly wish me a happy mother’s day & he used to just love me, I could see it in his face. But a couple years after I married, he started changing, being disrespectful & just kind of mean. I’ve never had any other children because I didn’t want him to feel like HE wasn’t good enough & I’ve always made time for him & been very loving. I didn’t let him do whatever he wanted when he was with me which really angered him but I was always very engaged & loving. He is about to turn 20 & I can’t count the number of times my heart has felt like it was ripped out of my chest by him. He is so blasé about how mean & disrespectful he is to me & it just kills me. I’ve bent over backwards to help him & his girlfriend(past 2 yrs). I’ve done so much for him including getting him his apartment & his job with my husband. He is disrespectful to my husband at work & has a terrible temper, which my husband handles very well but it makes me feel so bad & get so angry at him(rarely does he know I’m angry at him for his behavior at work). He just keeps getting worse & is so mean & hurtful it just rips me apart. This time I feel as though the pain is too much to cope with. Why does he hate me when I’ve only tried to do right by him, even when it meant breaking my own heart by giving him up? I need some help

26. I meant to ad in there that when he was around 10 or 11, my mean spirited sister told him about the couple & his conception just to be mean. I haven’t spoken to her for years because of this.

27. My heart goes out to all those who’ve posted their pain on here. My son is 37. I was a single parent until he was 17. I loved my son and did the best I could for him. Both my parents passed away when I was 19 and he was 1yr.old.I have to say he was a latch key kid because I couldn’t afford a babysitter and I had no one to help me with him. I’ve apologized to him for his childhood and he told me he feels he had a good childhood (which made me feel good). I tried my best to make sure he was well taken care of. I married a man with 4 children when my son was 16. I thought I was getting him a father and siblings, but the children never did make a close bond. He was pretty much kept the step brother. Well fast forward 20 years to today. He’s been through alot these past 20 yrs. by bad choices he made. He has 2 daughters by 2 different young ladies and has never been married. The first one is 8 and lives with her other grandparents. (long and sad srory) the second is 2 and goes between him and her mama. I watch the 2 yr. old in my daycare and have her around 8-10 hours everyday Monday threw Friday. I’m tired on the weekends and don’t want to be in charge of children on my day off. It really ticks him off because I won’t keep her on Friday nights. And he says hurtful things and makes me feel guilty. He says he don’t mean to but he does! He makes me feel like I don’t do enough for them or that I don’t take care of her or love her like I should. And I do!! I give him money, food, some weeks I let him slide on his daycare payment (which is less then half what I receive for the other children I watch) I told him just last night that I take care of her from 7:30am – 5:00pm every day. But because she don’t spend the night (like my husbands sons 8 yr old little boy), one of our other 18 grandchildren, he feels were treating him unfair. This grandson spends every Friday night with us. And most that time is spent hanging out with my husband. (He also has a terrible home life.) The other 16 we don’t see much. Because they live away from us…. Anyway, am I wrong for not keeping her on Friday nights? Are we showing favoritism to the Grandson who we only see Friday night + Saturday? How do I make him understand that we’re not favoring one over the other, and that he needs to spend more time with his daughter. I am fortunate that he hasn’t stopped me from seeing her at all. Also the only time he calls me is if he needs something, never just to check in and see how I’m doing!

28. Both of my children hate me. I was an abused adopted child and a lot of the time I blamed myself or I made excuses for them but I am for sure done done done. I have done everything possible, apologized over and over until I finally stopped. I look at the way they live and they are 10 times worse than I ever thought of being. I’ve tried to do what I can for them but it’s never good enough and my daughter especially would slap me in the face with her actions every time she could. If I had the money to up and move, I would do it and never look back or tell them where I am. My daughter has 7 kids and my son has 6, I’m not close to any of my grandchildren. My daughter has demonized me to her kids and my son can’t stay with one woman long enough without beating them up and having the cops chasing him while his grandmother and father put out thousands on lawyers so he won’t go to jail. My daughter is like a Peds dispenser, she has a baby fetish and has to keep having them like a brood mare. Seven children, a couple abortion and one born premature that died. All of her children she wouldn’t discipline except one she picked out to be abusive to. I could go on and on but what is the point because they both think they do no wrong. After a while, you get over the pain of it and that’s the best place to be. I don’t recommend kiss their asses over and over, trust me, that doesn’t work and they love to see you squirm. If I am sick and at deaths door, I don’t want them anywhere near me. You hated me in life, stay away from me in death too.

29. I’m reading this and unfortunately very sad that anyone has to endure children hating them. My oldest adopted daughter moved out and yet not only won’t speak to me (I’m lucky to get a text) but also lies to people about me still. She is on a mission to take everyone out of my life. I’m holding onto a relationship with my youngest adopted daughter with a thread and a prayer. Advice would be great!

30. I have a 27 year old daughter that I haven’t gotten along with since she was 15. She goes to her dad and tells him her version of arguments and it puts pressure on our relationship. She has my 2 precious grandbabies and when she gets mad there is the threat of not getting to see them and now that they have moved out of state, it makes it even worse. I don’t know what to do. I am being held hostage. I literally helped raise my grandbabies because she was so young when she had them. I keep thinking when they get older they can drive and I can see them with no fear then. But I am missing out right now. I think she is bipolar and just literally either hates me or loves me. mostly hates.

31. I am starting to feel as if i will lose my 22 year old son, and it’s scary. I love him so much and would hate to have him not want to have anything to do with me. I will continue to be hopeful and pray that it won’t get worse. I am glad to hear people sharing their stories. I think we all love our children. Some of us had difficult childhoods ourselves and didn’t have great role models to follow. I tell my son all the time that I did my best and I’m sorry for my mistakes. He says I placed a lot of guilt on him. It’s funny how we make the same mistakes our own parents made with us. I hope he can forgive me one day. The same way I forgave my mother. She is gone now and I wish I could say I love you to her one more time. I would go thru it all over again to have her back because I know now how much see loved me.

32. My 32 year old son and his wife and 2 kids live three blocks away. My daughter in law has tried from day one to cut my son off from his family. Now he doesn’t speak to me (his mother), his father, his siblings or any family members on our side. He doesn’t send mothers day cards, birthday cards, not even a text. He drives by me and ignores me. I have done NOTHING to him to warrant this. My husband and I took birthday presents and cards and money down and when his daughter (6) got off school bus, we were there and gave to her. She told us she loves us. Son sat on bench nearby and ignored us. Then that night his wife texted my husband and told us that we were totally unappropriate for doing that and to stay away. What is with this?????? We are left without a clue

33. My children had a mom who was thinking about them and sacrificing for them even before they were even born. A mom who ate everything healthy during the gestational period, who let not a drop of alcohol cross her lips, who ruminated about taking a Tylenol for even the most severe headache, who gave birth five times without the benefit of epidurals or any pain medication. These children were breastfed for more than a year each, sacrificing all semblance of a social existence because I was totally tied and devoted to them. My children talked very early, because they had a mom who talked to them constantly, narrating the day as it unfolded, and read to them with one eye closed due to overwhelming exhaustion. My children had a mother who was at all of their extracurriculars, who drove these siblings more than 50 miles a day within the boundaries of their own town, shuttling them back and forth to all their activities. My children had a mom who, when a friend could not come over to play because their mother would not or was not available to drive them to our house, would pick that child up and drive that child home. My children had a mother who worried about them, slept in their beds with them when they were sick, was heartbroken when someone picked on them at school. My children had a mother who operated mostly as a single parent, because dad traveled so frequently for work. My children had a mother who taught and expected good manners; and my children were known to be exceptionally polite, good citizens of the world. As a mother with high expectations of her maturing children, at no time did I cave on my values; if they made choices that were outside the boundaries of how they were raised, they knew I was displeased. I didn’t pretend to approve in order to gain their acceptance and be their friend. It was hard to take a stand and not be like the cool parents who allowed underage drinking, or thought breaking the law a tiny bit was comical. My children had parents who provided in full for their college educations. My children have no college loans. My children all turned 16 and mom or dad would get a new car whether a new car was required or not, so they could inherit the old one. And they got bail outs from 5 figure credit card debt, sometimes more than once. And they had debit cards that mom dutifully made sure had money on them “just in case” only to find out this mother was actually, to her great dismay and heartache, paying for the dope they were smoking on campus. My children all have a problem with the high expectations I have had of them and continue to have of them. As they devolve deeper into debt, drug and alcohol abuse, associate with less than upstanding people live beyond their means, and are outright and intentionally rude towards their parents, they express they should have a mother who supports and encourages these behaviors. And, for being the mother who does not applaud some really dangerous choices, this mother is now apparently the whole reason, in fact the only reason, everything in their lives is wrong. So, I don’t really get what I as a mother should have done differently, or what I have done wrong, other than to allow these kids to suck the life out of me, but my shortcomings must be egregious in nature and I must be dense to not know what they are, because all but the oldest child has layed a stack of blame at my feet for every possible negative aspect, problem, thimble or bucketful of unhappiness they have in their lives. I feel like changing my name and moving far far away, just kind of disappearing, but I have no means of supporting myself since my children never saw the inside of a daycare center, rarely had a babysitter, always had a mother who was there when they left for school, got home from school, and never ventured more than 20 minutes away from their schools so I’d be available if they got sick at school. It was really my calling when I was young to be the most devoted mother on the planet and that’s all I ever wanted to be. And I get an “F” from 80% of my kids. I had no idea I would be vilified for being such a good mom. All I did was love them with an intensity unmatched by anyone else. And I feel like there is no point to the next, last chapters of my life. I just feel like fading away until I’m just invisible.

34. I got on here to find some comfort may you even some reason why my son is gone but after reading all of y’alls problems all I can do is cry , it makes me feel hopeless , that things will never be ok.
    My son left me to go live with his Dad and step Mom after a brief separation from his dad due to a Fight they had. That landed my son on probation for three months.
    He finally decided to go see his daddy after two months and when he went and he refused to come back Home
    They had him locked up in some kind of rehab for children with problems and have convinced him that his problem was something that I caused now he is saying he does not want anything to do with me because I have caused him so many problems. He is saying what I put him through caused all of the problems that he is having. I have no idea what he is talking about before he left he went on vacations together every year we set up at night and talked and watched tv together. I felt like he could tell me everything. And now he won’t even speak to me I don’t know what to do anymore I am just so hurt I have missed a year of his life already and he will be graduating this year and wants nothing to do with me during this special time his life.
    I go through every day thinking about him and try to understand what I did wrong I just don’t understand how someone can just stop loving their parents

35. I don’t wish this pain on anyone I raised my sons on my own they were both born during the crack cocaine epidemic there fathers chose drugs I chose them I did very well providing for them I encouraged them taught them this is a yes and this is a no anything they wanted to do sport and other activities I supported them as they got older I wanted to have fun on the weekends a date the normal things single women I didn’t think in a million years that my son’s would grow up to hate me this way I only have son’s and they both hate me.

36. My kids could do without me. I don’t think they see a need for me and I see no way to turn it around. I really am a smart and wise man with a lot to give. But what if nobody wants what you have to offer. What if they see you as a loser and show no signs of love and respect.??? Life is crappy, parenting often sucks….and in nights like tonight, I just want to go home….

37. Oh gosh. I am in this boat as of six weeks ago. The nutshell version will sound horrible but here it goes . . .

    Left abusive Japanese husband; lost my mind and my children. I was physically absent for just under two years but maintained contact on–calling and writing on a regular schedule. When I returned my daughter then 9, would have nothing to do with me, but my son who was called his father out for physical abuse and I got him back and we lived a good life together. I never gave up on my daughter but pushed me away so hard. Then one day, just after my daughter started college, I received a call from her asking for help. She turned her father in for years of sexual abuse. Of course I was there for her in every way from that point and for 9 years it was good between us. But I always sensed our relationship was fragile. That she never forgave name at all. Her heart was so small and damaged. Then, six weeks ago, I advised her that we were all concerned about her personal life. So many around her felt that she had been settling for a self-absorbed man without indication that there was love involved. During this conversation she blurted out “Who’s going to want me after what my dad did?” From there she heaped all manner of blame upon me. I have taken the blame along. Sometimes I wonder if she wants to see me hurt more and never loved me these past few years. I tried so hard to make up for all of it but of course I cannot.

38. Hi to everyone,
    I am the mother of 6 children, 2 to my first marriage, 3 to my second and 1 child to my third marriage. I think this causes a problem, because my children don’t seem to have a close relationship with their siblings. I have been generous with them when I had a good income, and taken them on holidays, bought them lots of stuff they needed, visited them etc. etc.
    But I’m 76 now, and living alone. I rarely see them or hear from them. They just don’t seem to care now that I am older.
    But I do have to say one thing, that when I turned 75, I decided that I would enjoy the time I have left on this earth, time for me to enjoy the things I liked doing, and not devote myself to helping them anymore. I think this is the problem, unless I’m the one who is giving, they just don’t seem to care enough to give to me. They are all ‘busy’ and I feel very self absorbed in their own lives. I try not to focus on my hurt feelings, but just accept the situation and stay happy.
    Liz

39. I have 2 sons 27 and 23. We put both through college and did not require them to work except in the summers. We paid car insurance, cell bills, gas, car repairs as in laws gave them both cars.

    The old one married a vile girl and they were divorced after a year. He has since moved 3 hours away and only comes home to swap out vehicles eat and spend time with friends and women. He is disrespectful and rude to me and his brother noting he has a BS and his brother only has a BA. Very arrogant and belittling to all of us. He talks over me and argues over the smallest things. He has hijacked our cell phone account making himself the administrator and argues over the bill. We only have 700 minutes between 4 of us and once he goes over whoever uses it next shows as the over user.
    Youngest son is getting ready to join the armed forces and his brother tells him he is foolish and needs a job like him to make lots of money. The younger one is a minamalist and feels a calling to serve his country.
    I just had major surgery and he has yet to call and see how I am doing. Not sure how he got so ugly as he was not raised that way. We went to every fooball, soccer and wrestling match. He has become distant and arrogant and I really don’t like his behavior and begin to feel Ill when I know he will be coming down as he is disruptive and argumentative.

40. My daughter tellls me she loves me, but moved away 5 years ago and spends no time w me and rejects any suggestions I have to see her. Her father, who was not around when she grew up, now takes her on vacations, etc. I can not go on in silence and heart ache. I believe she is embarrassed that I am not rich and that I have some health issues, including weight. I do not believe she wants to intruduce me to her new friends. I do not know how to address this.

41. So good to know I am not alone, Two of my three children are breaking my heart. My daughter wants to pick fights with me over nothing, my son met a woman who tried to take my house, and tries to keep my grandsons from me. I raised the three of them on my own,I do not know where I went wrong. My other daughter said she has had enough of them and said they will never change. I had a heart attack last year, so today I decided to put myself first for once. I am so sick of crying and begging. My priority now is my seven grand children. Will take the advice offered by you all here. so grateful to you all.

42. I too am suffering from broken heart. I have 3 boys who I have been thru alot with and have always been very close with. My oldest is 31 and since he has gotten with his girlfriend now of 2 yrs we rarely speak and when we do it’s thru a text or at work. It usually ends in an argument. She’s very disrepectful to me when she speaks to me. I won’t put up with it so we got into a heated argument and I basically told her off and according to him it’s all my fault. Now she demands an apology or won’t have anything to do with me or his brothers. Only time he sends me a text now is when he wants something. I am so done with it all since we all 3 work together it’s hard to let it go. I finally decided I’m going to find another job and get away from both of them for my own sanity. I don’t know what else to do. Nothing seems to be good enough. I’ve tried to get along with her and nothing is good enough for her. Only choice seems to be just to walk away from my oldest son or I’m gonna go crazy. My other 2 boys and I are very close and have a great relationship. They don’t understand how their brother can do this after all the sacrifices I made over the years for them. I was a single mom , I wasn’t perfect but they never went without and never abused. They were and are loved dearly. At my wits end with the whole mess. Any suggestions would be appreciated. I don’t know if I’m handling the situation correctly.

43. I have cut my parents out of my life. They beat me, toured me physically, emotionally and psychologically for so many years. For most of my adult life I believed their BS that I had just been a difficult kid and they had to discipline me harshly to fix me. Finally they went aftery wife, who has never had a conflict with another soul in our 12 years of marriage, and I had enough. They can’t understand how I could cut them off and don’t think they were that bad. They accuse me of being overly sensitive, exaggerating, etc., all the se stuff I see here. Well, what I know for a fact is the pain, the fear and fright, the self hatred, the suffering. This is their legacy to me, and I’ve learned that they way to purge it is to cut them out. I am healing through cutting out the cancer that is my parents.

    The intestine thing is that they probably could find their way back into my life if they would be humble and validate my experience. They are so proud and perfect, at least in their own eyes, clearly afraid to consider that maybe they were awful. The irony of it all is that if they could fall on terri knees, apologize, be vulnerable, consider that maybe, just maybe, they were awful parents, and commit to never violate that trust again, I would have nothing to be angry about. They would win by letting themselves lose, for the first time in their lives. But they’ll never do it. They’ll never go to counseling, never consider that maybe they painted my clean, newborn slate into the awful child they then had to torture. And so I reject them for my own sanity.

44. As a Mother of 7 children (5 girls/2boys)ages(35-18) what I have learned is this #1. I’m not perfect and neither are my Children. So when they want to throw stones so to speak I throw them back! I will no longer sit and take the Verbal Abuse! I let them know if they think they can find a better Mother then Find her! When they say I wasn’t a good Mother just to hurt me because their mad (they tell me this when Apologizing) I now tell them they weren’t a Good Son or Daughter! They don’t like it when their own words are thrown back at them!! Then of course here comes the Apology and their telling me they didnt mean what they said they were just Mad. Now since they Apologized They want me to Apologize and I used but what I have learned to say (So lets see I should just sit and take your abuse and now that I’m not and I throw your words back you feel I OWE YOU and Apology well when you stop Verbally abusing me and your Apology is Genuine Then I will apologize for giving you a taste of Your Own Medicinr! But here comes Ranting and Bashing because I did not give into their demands ! Their Next Favorite Thing To Say Is They Dont Want Nothing to do with Me I Respond The Feeling Mutual !! I would never Treat My Parents this way and I was raised old school and my parents weren’t perfect but I’ve realized they did as best they could!!
    I think we have gone out of our way to give our Children the Life we never had and in doing so we have Created a Generation of YOU OWE ME’S!!! I Will Always Love My Children And If They Need Me I Am Still There For Them But I have had to Learned If They Only Call Or Come Around When They Want Something I’ve Learned To Say No!! Additudes change real quick and sure they don’t like it but it Opens Their Eyes and they know If They Can’t Respected Me I Won’t Let You Use Me!!! So my Advice is “Keep Doin What Your Doin Keep Gettin What Your Gettin! If your Children can’t Respect You For The Simple Fact You Brought Them Into This World Cut The Cord Temporarily They Will Come Back When They Realize Your No Longer Their Door Mat! And For Those That Don’t it will Break Your Heart but being Their Door Mat Is Already Doing That Anyhow!!

45. Someone on here posted a warning to estranged children that they’re likely to experience the same thing from their children. That makes me laugh because some of us were so psychologically destroyed by our parents we made a deliberate choice to never have children. So while it’s no surprise that toxic parents playing victim for attention would wish us even more pain than we already endured at their hands, the kind wishes are unlikely to come to fruition.

46. I also devoted my life to my 3 children as a conscientious mother and am surprised that they now as grown ups say unanimously that I was a poor mother. My daughter tells wild untruths about her teenage years which my husband and I ignore for the sake of peace and we still hope we can help her heal. One son is kind and devoted to us, another is distant and doesn’t pick up the phone or answer messages. We do wonder our purpose. We still live our lives as though our 3 grown up children are the centre of our universe and it is the saddest thing that we live this lie.

47. I have a son who cut us off from his life for two yrs now after he quarrelled with his brothers regarding finances where he agreed to pay for his share on their business venture before they embarked on it. When he was called to pay his share he with his wife came to talk to his brothers ( me and my husband were not around) about not being able to pay because of the expenses their first baby has caused them and started to blame me and my husband, his dad for being cold, not doing enough for them, promising to support them till they can stand on their own. Of course my son conveniently forgets we have all spent for their college education plus 2 yrs of grad studies. Most of the arguement was between my daughter in law and my eldest son with whom they entered with the venture. At the end of the meeting, my daughter in law disowned us and threatened to never let her children see us. What pains me and his father the most was they cut us off without ever telling us in person about their grievances so we have been left in tears trying to figure out where we went wrong and try to live through our guilt. They now have 2 kids but we have never seen their pictures though the last time I saw my eldest grandchild was when he was 4 mos old. I do send him greetings on special ocassions and he says he loves me and to take care of myself when I greet him on his birthdays otherwise he never writes back or even greet me on mu birthdays. He has totally cut relationship with his father. I am now resigned to the fact that we may grow to be very old and he will never reach out again to us perhaps till my grandchildren by him will try to find us.

48. Christina I could not have said it better . Thank you for your advice and insight into what is happening to me , thank you

49. I started at the edge of the Baby Boomer generation DOB 1963. I had chores when growing up, worked two jobs in HS, paid for my own car, insurance, clothes, etc. and put myself through college-not that my parents would not help, I did not feel they owed me anything. I too, thought that I would be a better parent by doing more of the chores myself, only occasionally asking the kids to mow the lawn and keep their rooms clean (they acted as if it killed them) and never asked them to get a job in HS-I purchased their cars. Now, I learn my adult kids have sided with my recent ex wife and/in feeling I was too hard on them, damaged their self esteem, robbed them of their happiness, etc. They rarely call and never come to see me-oh I’ll hear from them when they want a loan co-signer or financial help for rent. I recently cut the financial support…now I am really an evil father. They cannot swallow the pill I’ve administered to them when I disclosed that I was no longer going to tolerate their disrespect-relationships are a two way street as is respect-you get out what you put in. I towed the line, enforced curfews, said no to underage drinking or other behaviors-for that, I am the overbearing hostile parent…I directed them to utilize what they perceive as the better parent of the two (my ex) and let her fill their needs. What I won’t do is sit, cry and sulk over it…one day when they have kids and they are living through worse (as there parenting skills will reflect the attitude they’ve acquired), it’ll hit em’ like a ton of bricks…I find solace in knowing that day will come…if they are lucky, when they reach out to me…I may answer the phone-DON’T let them hold you captive!! BTW…I was not a cheating spouse…she loved her business more than us.

50. I went thru a rough couple of years, my ex left me and I fell apart and so did my daughter. We both went thru a tough time. My daughter wanted to move away from our home and I agreed. I sold the home and we got another one and tried to start over. I had primary custody of my daughter for 6 years and I tried my best to give her everything I could. I went thru a deep depression and was in and out of hospitals. But never hurt anyone but myself. I put my daughter in the school she wanted, had sleep overs for her friends, brought her new clothes, new toys, vacation and hugged and gave her love even though I was still struggling. I put my daughter and myself in counseling and had her grandparents to help me. I tried to end my life when my daughter
    was visiting her dad. When I got out hospital it was 2 months later my ex turned my daughter against me. I tried and tried for over a year and half on a regular every other day she told her the last time I spoke with her over a year and a half ago she hated me, I was stupid, ugly and she never wanted to see me or speak to me again. My heart literally broke that day and I don’t even know what I did. . I have struggled with deep depression , was hospitalized and was in counseling. My whole family says I did everything I could have done for her but she always was a daddy’s girl. She was my whole life and I have been struggling so much and it’s been a while. Daily the pain in unbearable and wouldn’t wish that on anyone. My family told me and family to move on and let her go how can I???!!!! I love her and she consumes my mind, I have terrible sleeping, nightmares, depression and I still can’t let her go. Heart is devastated and wish most every day I was dead. Cause pain is just so bad when I don’t even know why she hates me and wishes I was dead.