Many people who have come to this page are looking for answers to the problem of family estrangement. I’m 
excited to be able to offer an brand new resource. For my book, Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them, I interviewed hundreds of people in estrangements, including those who have successfully reconciled. The book is filled with compelling stories, concrete advice, and strategies and tips for healing family rifts. I hope you find it helpful!
In an earlier post, one of the Legacy Project elders shared her mixed feelings about having children. Loraine,89 , talked about accepting both the joy and the pain children can bring. She stated: “If you don’t have children now, when you have them you will have these moments. When you look at them and your heart – it’s like your heart takes all the pain and all the love for them that you have.”
We just received a comment on that post from one of our readers, who would like your advice:
What about when your children are disappointments? I would like to hear how parents handle situations when their most loved children are cause for a broken heart? Comments please!
We asked some experts for their advice, which you can find here.
Please note that the comments thread on this post is now closed.
Sherri, my tears are flowing freely as I have just finished reading what you wrote, then I read it to my husband. He looked on me with astonishment at the fact that your words are the words I have been saying lately. How we love and nourish our children, first in our wombs, then nursing them from our breast, then guiding them and protecting them. Making sure they eat well and chose good friends and be a good friend. Through all of life and its challenges we try and worry over them. Sherri I am sorry you know the heartache of grief from a child. I have four children and I am a good mom, I know this without a doubt now. I am not the best mom but I am a good mom. Two marriages and four children, two from each marriage. I do not want to go into all the issues that lead up to all that has happened. But our married daughter and her husband lived with us for a few months until there visa and job coincided. They treated my husband and my other two kids still at home so badly, no exaggeration, ie. holding my 16 yr old son and trying to pour a cup of soapy water down his throat because he said hell. There was just so much from them that I asked her to spend the rest of the time with his family. I am soft spoken and it took a lot of encouragement from my friends to do it. She screamed at me and told me I couldn’t tell her what to do, I said I just did. She was shocked and said how dare I do this and if she left she wouldn’t speak to me again or ever set foot in this house again. I said please I do not want you to leave angry and she said she can leave anyway she wanted to! Anyways to make this shorter she left and it has been almost 8 yrs since I have heard her voice or seen her. And it is not from lack of trying on my part. I have done everything, as she has lived in Asia and been back in our country numerous times. I also have an older son who treats me the same way his father treated me. The abuse from both these ‘children’ were almost the cause of me taking my own life. But it is through the grace of Christ I survived. Now two weeks ago my son who is 23 became engaged, and I want to bad to be happy for him but the girl he has chosen has a terrible temper. I am praying for a blessing on our home and family. I know he can make his own choices in life, but I am concerned for him. She lies and tries to look innocent. My husband and I have both spoken to him about our concerns, but this was before he became engaged to her. I cried so hard two weeks ago, I wound up in the hospital fearing I was having a heart attack. Sherri, I look back at my darling small children and wish I had them back in my arms as children again. I’d rock them and stroke their soft hair and sing to them ..again. How I miss them as children. You are right Sherri, why DO we blame ourselves when they break our hearts.. Jesus does love us Sherri and He weeps when we weep. I wonder when my pain over my daughter will end. I love her so very much. Some day, some day .. I will see her again. But for now I need to take care of myself.. it is time. I have begun painting to ease my sorrow. Such a release of pent up emotions onto a canvass! I am grateful for this place to read other’s thoughts of grief to know I am not alone. I am reaching out my hand to each of you.. to hold as we carry on in this life. There is still so much for me to say…
I have read a great deal of comments on this site, its probably just for woman, and thats fine but i would like to share a little something that just might be the slightest bit insightful. When i was young i used to watch my parents rather closely. They were a considerable bit older than my friends parents. I learned alot from my father, not just what a mans role was but also what to do if i was alone. I also learned alot from my mother, the same for her. Not just what the womans role is. Both of my parents were preparing me to be alone. At 5 years of age i would make myself a steak dinner. I was indeed what people classified as a latchkey kid. But i was also alone on the weekend. My father worked at a hospital at night. My mother worked during the day. They rarely seen each other. Occasionally on sundays we would go to a state park. But i was always alone. I was diagnosed with bi polar disorder at the age of 7. My family life was the same thru 15 years of age. They were both loving parents. But they had their problems with each other. My father retired at the age of 67. I turned 17 that year, in June. On june 6th of the following year my father passed away from terminal cancer. I blamed her for it. I thought it was her fault he had died. I was there alone with him when he took his last breath while she was at work. I turned 18, 3 days later. I had a huge chip on my shoulder because of it. I lashed out at my mom, started drinking heavy, and doing whatever drugs i could get my hands on. I hurt my mom, not just emotionally, but physically, numerous times. At that time in my life i was 6ft 7in tall and weighed roughly 220lbs. It wasnt good. I knew what i was doing. I knew it was bad. But my mom kept trying, she kept helping me any way she could. I wanted to be there to help her emotionally, but her depression over my dad made me crazy. I married, had a child, and it still didnt stop. Any time i went to her home or she came to mine we would fight and argue. I divorced, and there she was to help no matter what. I had nowhere to go she took me in. It was like cats and dogs. I always worked so it wasnt that, but i could never figure it out. She decided to sell her home, so i bought it from her. Well i paid her payments. Decent, older farmouse on 2 acres. I let her stay while she looked for a place. I was remarried with a baby on the way and my wife forced me to pretty much push her out. And i did. A couple more years went by of the fighting. I tried to be civil and nothing. I was engaged to my third and present wife and i finally asked my mom, WHY? Why have you stood behind me, helped me? All these years? Why in the hell would you keep trying? She said, you may have a bad temper, you may get violent sometimes, but you will always be my son. Nothing will ever change that. I love you! Thats all that matters. Right or wrong you always have me. And i always have you. That was 7 years ago. I am now 34 years old, i have a wonderful wife, 6 children and 1 son. I have an excellent career. I look back and think sometimes, what would i be like if she had given up on me? Alone? An addict? A drunk?
When i told my mom that i was going to take a job 2000 miles away, she cried a little, was very supportive, and i have a better relationship with her than i did. But i have come to the realization that she never done anything wrong to me. I came to this page looking for an answer about my ex talking trash about me to my daughter and now my daughter is confused. But i feel for the people that have posted concerns for their children on here. It is ok to be concerned for your children, i used to think my mom didnt care. She was just trying to make me feel better. I wanted her to live her life. Leave me alone, and live her life. There is always a psychological need to feel wanted. No matter who you are. Yes i need my mom, to a certain extent. She tells me stories over and over like she told me the first time. She calls me by her brothers names. Lol. But i see her need, but i think she also sees my need also. When my mom stopped trying to get ahold of me is when i felt the need to get ahold of her. No matter what your children say there is a nagging need in the back of their mind that tells them to call their parents. Now im going to bring my mom out so she can live what life she has left without any burden. Some children realize it too late, and that shouldnt be a regret to the parents. I read a post that a mother was contemplating suicide. That should never be a thought in anyones mind.
My insight of it is that the more love that is expressed the more children want to push away. My kids do it now. They want to be older before their time. So i bring them to work to give them a reality check. What i have written may be of some help to some, or not. i just wanted to put out there what my mom ment thru. From my point of view. But i will always remember that i am my mothers son. Even though i didnt talk to my mom for long periods of time, i never talked bad about her. I never wanted my mom to see me down about my wife, ex wife, or children. I didnt feel it was any of her business. It took a long time for me to realize she was trying to help. She just never realized, to me it wasnt that simple. It wasnt her life going down the tubes. Bottom line is she was trying to fix my proverbial booboo.
Hello,
I just drove my 27 year old only child, son to the airport and couldn’t wait to get home to peace and quiet. My son has exhibited excessive anger since childhood . My X and I split when he was eight and I thought we did a pretty damn good job both being there for him and remaining civil to one another.
My son lived with his Dad all through high school and college and we lived on separate coasts, but it was my son’s choice and he and I were horrible for one another. and our relationship appeared to be better long distance with frequent visits.
My son has lived on his own since college and now is in a PHD program in CA. His Dad lives in Colo. and I remain on the East Coast. I have spent a lot of time with him this year with 3 visits. It appears he is at his worst when he returns to my house which may trigger negative feelings about the divorce . That aside, my son is extremely controlling with me and I am very independent and react very poorly to being directed and bossed around. My son constantly finds fault with mst of my behaviors and criticizes many things I do. He appears very anxious, edgy and unhappy at least in my presence. I feel so provoked and at times scared of him. I do stand up for myself and tell him how hurtful he is towards me. His capacity and in sight for understanding his own behavior seems greatly limited like his own father. To give my son credit, he is able to say he is sorry which his own Father could not do. He repeatedly apologizes but then resorts to the same abusive behavior. I am considering writing my son a letter which I have considered many times in the past, but never did it. I think the time is right now and as his Mom who loves him deeply I owe it to him to be honest and also strongly suggest he get some professional counselling.
Thanks for listening.
Pam
I am so heartbroken and I feel like my insides are being torn out and I just don’t know how to deal with it. My 22 year old son, who was always so loving and generous, started becoming very rude and extremely disrespectful. Out of frustration and anger, I lashed back. This went on for over a year until I couldn’t take it anymore and kicked him out when he refused to take care of his sick dog. A year later and he hates me. He refuses to spend time with me or try to mend our relationship. He started dating an older woman who I liked very much in the beginning. They started out as just good friends for several months before. I knew when I met her that I liked her and he would fall for her. Although I still liked her as a person, I saw that she also had a mean streak and determined a couple of instances where she would try to turn him against me. They are living together now and he refuses to see me without her. He is not allowed to spend time with me alone. And although I never minded her around and did enjoy spending time with her, I also want a relationship with him. He most recently told me that I need “psychiatric help”. I have said things to him out of anger, for which I apologized for. He in turn told me he has nothing to apologize for and that my apology means nothing. He has told my husband and I that we are 100% at fault for everything. He has said the most hateful and cruel things to me for which I lashed back at. I know I have lost him but I just don’t know how to deal with it. I cry every day. I try at times to get over it, but I can’t. I just can’t seem to get past this. My mom and I have have been at odds on and off for the past 20 years. I tried my best to break that cycle and I failed. I am at such a loss I don’t know what to do.
These stories – each one of them – are so very sad. Mine is similar but what I want to share with you are some coping mechanisms which might help some people deal with their terrible pain
Yoga has helped me – especially the type of self-development yoga practiced by teachers like amy Weintraub ( look up her books and courses.
Meditation when done religiously on a daily basis has the most tremendous healing powers. Meditation centers are all over the USA now.
Look after and pamper YOURSELVES – make your drumbeat a happy one; develop gratitude and try to live as much in the moment as possible. The more you nurture feelings of self worth and joy, the more you will be able to cope with your terrible pain.
Prayer has different meanings for different people but can be a powerful tool in helping you cope. Look up the ho’o’nona Prayer – his is used to relieve one of guilt and to release those people in our lives that no longer serve us. It is done with love and gratitude and if you can imagine the child that has hurt you, or you have hurt in your minds eye and repeat this prayer as many times a day as possible, it will eventually help you to accept the circumstances that have resulted in the rift/pain/sense of loss. It has worked for me.
Frank, God bless you for your comment. It made me cry. Hearing from one of the children, and /or “the other side” so to speak. Like your sweet Mom, I refuse to give up on my one and only son that I love with all my heart. I was not a perfect Mom in the slightest but I was a very good Mom. We were very close up until about 6 years ago. Then everything just changed overnight it seems and I rarely hear from him any more. I send him messages telling him I love and miss him and always will. Most times I just pray when things get rough, but there are days when the pain is so agonizing and so crippling thatit feels like it will kill me. Regardless of whatever mistakes we made raising our children — with exceptions of course, some people should never have children– this tortuous pain we feel is payback to the nth degree. All the more reason your letter is so comforting to me in a way. Now that you are raising your own children, you see it’s not so simple. God bless you and thanks for sharing your story. Give your mom a kiss on the cheek for me while I long for one from my own son. Or even an “I love you Mom.” Or just a phone call. Sigh…..
Lynn,
I am so sorry for what you and your husband are going through. Finding something to help ease through the pain is so inspiring. I am doing something creative also. I don’t think the pain ever goes away. I think one of the lessons, maybe, hopefully, is that life does go on no matter what. We can either dwell on our pain and live a miserable existence or we can train ourselves to live a happy, fulfilling rest of our lives and be there for others that need our gifts. We can learn to be calm in the eye of the storm and do not allow anyone, especially family to rob us of our happiness. We all have precious gifts to share and I believe that something good can/ will come out of something that is so heartbreaking at this moment in time. Prayers to all. God bless.
Hey, you gave them them the gift of life…a gift…that means you don’t get to control what they do with the “gift”..let them be independent of you…isn’t that what you planned anyway…..it empowers me as a mother to know that they will survive very well after I die.
Isn’t that the ultimate parent really, but…it still hurts regardless.
Be so very proud you got it right.
Congradulations…you have launched them….wasn’t that your job in the first place ?
So they don’t want or need you anymore…I know that pain….better that than the reverse..I have one of the reverse so ill, that she says to me, “when you go Mum, I will be coming with you”….you know in all your pain….you could do worse, and I am so ill.
CUT THEM OFF TO A LIFE OF EMPOWERMENT…while you still have the chance…and congradulate your self for a job well done…why would you think for one minute…that they do not want that for you.
You know what our “problem is” we love them to death…they did not ask for that…we imposed it on them.
Let them go….to live the life you gave them.
Kindest Regards…….
Mother and therapist.
How can your children let you down…. ? fail you….?. what now shame you ? , not live up to “your expectations” ? STOP doing this to them…..STOP It. And what did mummy and daddy do want you be a lawyer/liar for a living….is that
it ?
IT IS A LIFE THAT DOES NOT BELONG TO YOU….STOP IT NOW !
didn’t you and I want to be ourselves once…before life got to us ?
Be merciful to them, but more, be merciful to yourself.
You know the saying as well as I do….let them go…if they never come back, then you never owned them in the first place. And we all know the answer to that…..wait….wait and wait…and never make the mistake of offering an opinion again…it is their life…not yours. Do it, and they will hate you for it……
I guess that is the hardest part, but you must stop protecting them….they MUST learn to protect themselves.
That is the greatest gift you will ever give them.
Their mistakes belong to them….not You.
Mind your own business…stay out of their’s, keep your mouth closed. NEVER ever voice an opinion unless asked……and then don’t even offer one. Just stay on the sidelines……that way your kids will come home….under your conditions.
They will cry and weep and wail, even sob…..and you will be there for them….and home they will come when life does it’s worst to them……and you all know as well as I do…..that those days are coming for them…..just learn like I did….learn to shutup for a change and never judge or punish them, life will do that to them for you……life will punish them much more than you and I ever will…..keep that in mind……
Be their sanctuary…instead of their goal keeper.
That has been the hardest and most painful lesson of my life….but I did learn it…and I got them back !
p.s hope I did not hurt anyone’s feelings, I guess my pain had it’s own path.
Kindest and warmest wishes to those “who love too much”.
Georgie
For Julie,
It nearly sounds like his girlfriend has strong psychopathic traits. They like to attempt to anialate their victim.from friends and.family so they have them all to themselves to manipulate. They also enjoy and.live for “the blame game.” They usually prey upon the guys and because.the victim truly believes.they are.in love, they believe all what their partner says. It is like a drug, they go.back.for.more.because.they.enjoy.the.attention(usually all consuming). The victim is.rarely able.to.return.to.their previous ability of thinking rationally and.get mad at anyone.who points the issue out. The problem.is.difficult because it.involves two.people who are adults. So what if any parents.can.do,.is little to.none.(It is a form .of.abuse). Unfortunately,.we.know.this too well.because.our.20 yr old, very caring, intelligent son.fell.into.the trap.of a.psychopatic friend when they transitioned.from.friends.to.boyfriend/girlfriend. There .is.much information.online.but.you have to make.sure you are really authentic sites. Also, most.information.deals with the guy/boyfriend being a.psychopath.notas.much.out.there.for.when.it’s the girl. Know these terms “love bombing,” “gaslighting,”(from the movie Gaslight), “narcissist,” “emotional manipulation.” It has nearly torn our family apart. We plan to.seek.counseling for.ourselves and.how.to.help.our son, and.hopefully.have our son receive counseling as well.
My first born son who is now almost 21 is my greatest source of pain. I divorced his very narcissistic,drug addicted,abusive father before he was 18months old. I knew if he had any chance I had to get him away from his father. I met a wonderful man that I married when my son was only 2. He is the only real father my son has ever had. This man and I have been married for 19 years now and we have a son and a daughter together. My husband has never ever called my son anything but “his son”. We have never used the word “step child” in this home ever. My husband told him after the birth of our first son that this didn’t change anything. He was 6 years old then and he made a special point of telling him that his brother didn’t make him love my son any less. He told him in fact that he loved my son more because he had had him longer and he didn’t need a piece of paper or some judge to tell him he was his son. He was his son and nobody could change that. We tried endlessly to get his father to give up rights so my husband could legally adopt him but his biological father refused just because he is evil. My son hasn’t seen him since he was thirteen. My husband i s not perfect and he and I both made mistakes but we gave him everything. Love included. By the time my son was 14 he started getting in trouble and behaving exactly like his biological father. He barely graduated high school has been arrested is selfish like I have never seen. Smokes pot daily and continually has lied, manipulated and stolen from us and couldn’t care less. He blames us for everything and never takes responsibility for any of his actions. He has been kicked out and come back so many times and it always goes the same way. He is back now, having convinced my husband he has changed. My husband will never give up on him. I just can’t even stand to look at him. I know he hasn’t changed at all and I just want him out of our lives. I never thought I could feel so much contempt for one of my own children but he is such a mean nasty lying manipulating person and the self centerdness in him is beyond compare and I cant take the pain he causes everyone, especially my husband. I hate that I don’t even want to deal with him. I just want him to go away. What kind of mother feels that way about her own child? My other two children are loving caring wonerful little human beings and they are sick of him too. It seems like it is my husbands mission to save him but I know he is only going to get hurt again. How did we raise three children the same way and one turn out so awful and the other two so wonderful. I wonder if God will ever forgive me for not loving my own child? I can’t stand him being in my home. It is like something has sucked the life out of our home every time he comes back and when he leaves all the stress and tension and the heavy black cloud he brings disappears. Please pray for us all.
To all parents out there , When your heart is breaking , gather whatever energy you can summon and start living life again.
No, it is never going to be the same , but we can do it. We as parents have spent so many many years being selfless….Now we must learn to be a little selfish.
take a few deep breaths, fight back those endless tears. ignore that constant pain in your gut.
We are allowing ourselves to wallow in agony , well, I know I have given myself permission to be miserable.
So, we can give ourselves permission to be happy. I am joining a dance class , now, I have two left feet ….but I always wanted to dance.
I do a meditation class also now.
I met a couple of new people , who may or may not develop into friends.
My intention is to try and enjoy what I have in life , and try somehow, not to dwell on my misery.
Hope some of you join my crusade . love to each and every one of you.
Thank you Elizabeth… “giving ourselves permission” to feel happiness is something I need to be reminded of, every single day. I think I must believe I somehow “deserve” the punishment my son dishes out, just as an abused wife thinks she “deserves” the beatings she gets from her husband. Since I grew up in a very violent household and was constantly told “I told you not to get him mad” when my father would beat me mercilessly, I think I still have an “abused mentality.” I never allowed a man to lay a hand on me or verbally abuse me, but I allowed my son to do it for many, many years. Until finally I told him I would not accept that kind of treatment from him since I didn’t allow anyone else to treat me that way, and he cut me off. Permanently.
Now I have to look at it as a divorce from an abusive husband. Son, family member, brother, sister, mother, father, whoever abuses me I have to let them go.
It’s a very painful blessing that my son cut me off as it was a constant stream of “alcohol and anger” coming from him, with me wishing and hoping for more than 30 years that one day “things would change.” Of course, they never did, except to only get worse.
I have cried myself to sleep for so many years since he cut me off, but when I think about “how would I feel if this were an abusive relationship with a man” how different would I feel? I would feel relieved that I finally “got away.”
I cry now because I will never have the relationship I always wanted with my only child that I still love so much. I will never have that “happy home” that I promised myself, and him, that we would have – so different from the one I grew up in. I promised myself that I would do things differently. And I thought I did. But I guess “nature” won out over “nurture,” and I couldn’t beat “genetics.” His character is exactly like my father’s, and he acts the same and says the same cruel things even though he was hardly ever around him. So I don’t know what to do but “love him from a distance,” and even though it breaks my heart over and over, be thankful that he refuses to respond to me when I do send emails for Christmas and birthdays.
I have decided to stop bothering him and really let him go. He obviously doesn’t want me in his life, for whatever unknown reason and “crimes” I must have committed (he won’t say what, other than “you know what you did, and until you admit to it I have nothing further to say to you”)… and be glad that constant chaos and conflict is no longer a part of my life. “Anger and Alcohol” and it never ends.
The hard part is how do I stop blaming myself? Our culture holds the mother responsible for EVERYTHING, and I keep wracking my mind for “what I did wrong.” Come to think of it, our culture used to hold the wife responsible for the beatings she got from her husband, and we were responsible if we were raped, and on and on and on… the old “blame the victim” mentality is alive and well in the USA. And worst of all, I keep blaming myself. That’s what needs to change. He blames me, I blame me. He beats me (with words) I beat me (with thoughts). And on and on the cycle goes.
If I keep thinking about how important it is to leave an abusive relationship to keep your own sanity, then I have to realize that this holds true for adult children, too. I just can’t believe my only child turned out this way, but that’s where love comes in. “Love them from a distance” is all we can do. If things do change one day, I will welcome him with open arms. But it has to come from him, not me. He has to want to make that change and do it. I can’t do it for him. I can only do it for me. I can only make that change inside of me.
And give ourselves permission to feel joy.
Thanks for the reminder. I need to hear this every single day.
Elizabeth….hear hear!!! Sounds good to me. This kind of pain can just eat one alive if you let it. Let go and move on. Perhaps things will improve..perhaps not but, you’ve cultivated other satisfying areas in your life. The old adage of expectations are just recipes for disappointment is so true. Nope…life didn’t turn out like I expected. I can’t change certain things about it. I don’t get to have what I want so…what am I going to do with that? Up to me. Get to the fork in the road and I can see what’s down one lane because that’s where I’ve been stuck. I don’t know what’s down the other but, it’s got to be better than the pain I’ve been in. Onward. The journey will be over in a heartbeat.
Thank you all for giving me more insight into what is a new experience for me. Until recently, when I needed my family most, I did not realize how much my daughters hated me. It was also heartbreaking but not really a surprise that my own sister was also behind this “let’s diagnose Mom/my sister” with something that was begun by my late mother in law who never liked the idea of her son being married to a strong female whom she saw as taking her son away from her in a sense.
Over the last couple of years, our youngest had bee going through some changes that many do earlier in their late teens and early 20s not mid 20s but we did not realize the scope to which her problems were until this year. Of course, I had done as much as I could to talk to her, encourage her yet try to get her to be more self sufficient. My husband, who admits that he has been an enabler to the girls and more of their buddy than a dad when growing up, claims that he and I are in this together as they try to tear us apart by forcing him to take sides.
Having lost our first daughter in infancy, having had an overall good, fun loving relationship with our daughters despite some tough times when our marriage was rocky (primarily due to us allowing family members to try and tell us how to raise the kids, where to live, etc), it seemed like we were so close, being able to share things with one another, always recalling good times. Recently, I had a nervous breakdown due to some drug and gang renters in our neighborhood on top of some other serious stressors. Instead of caring about me, the girls and my sister chose to try and split their dad and I up, the youngest is still trying to force her dad to take her side as she and her boyfriend have just about financially ruined us and we have had to do a “tough love” thing by making them pay their own bills (they have jobs, he did not for a few months). Since I have always had to be the strong one, the one who pays the bills, the daughter thinks that I am solely behind this getting cut off. Our oldest, usually pretty logical and open minded as chosen not to even talk with me or tell me what horrible things I have apparently done all of a sudden, they just all want me to take on a mental diagnosis that my late mother in law kept pushing with everyone although a few counselors have never come close to diagnosing me with that and it is one that is in a book pushed by someone who claims to be an expert but is not even trained in psychology. In fact, the author even has attorneys working divorce cases with her and use this diagnosis as a way for clients to discredit ex spouses in court. I am also too sensitive and this makes it hard to go on with my life. I have tried to reason with the girls, tried to show actual evidence of what things I went through which has led to multiple PTSD and anxiety diagnoses, not what they want me to admit to which is a stigmatizing and demeaning, negative monstrous thing for which I do not meet the criteria per doctors and my own research as an actual scientist.
But, I have joined a support group for parents of estranged adult children and I am working hard at just getting up and trying to salvage what is left of my little business which I have wanted to do (and had to fight with the family to do so) for decades. I am not without fault but it has been that I have increasingly refused to be someone else, the someone they picked out for me long ago. Thank you all for sharing. I must remember that they have their lives, I don’t want to be a big part, I just wanted to be loved and that cannot happen with those who do not know how to love someone else more than themselves or who wish to not have any empathy whatsoever. I once wanted grandkids but I think it is much better that they don’t want kids of their own or at least one of them doesn’t. :If the other one does, then I hope that she does not reap even worse than what she has sown. But, I have my brother whose ex-wife turned his kids against him and he and I have become closer after a forced estrangement that his ex wife created between us. He and I had been close as kids but grew apart during parts of our married lives. I hope that my husband is honest about staying with me as he hasn’t felt that close to the girls like I did. But, he is the perfect parent and he has always loved the “perfect son” status his mom used to even use to introduce him to her friends or church members (which I think was hurtful to his brother, who had troubles when younger, but who rose above it). time will tell. I only know that we are changing our wills and are moving on with our lives. I also know that I may need to be totally alone for what remains of my life in case he chooses to go back to the girls and that part of the family left who plays those games still. That is the way of much of the world these days.
Frank:
Your entry was very touching. It proves there is a bond between mother and son that endures and is very unconditional. Thank you for sharing with us. It meant a lot to me. I have two sons and I know that they now resent all of my help. One day maybe they will have your perspective.
I am estranged from many members of my immediate family–father, brother, daughter – I do not have a relationship with my 4 grandchildren. I have two other children who I have limited contact as I relocated from the east to west coast. My father is a controlling disciplinarian(bully), my brother is self-absorbed and never acknowledged me as a sister, my son is a drug addict, my one daughter is bi-polar and has attempted suicide(which was prevented by me), my other daughter who will be 26 just told me she is gay. I was from a model home, had many advantages and indeed had a terrific childhood. I tried to do the same for my children. Due in part to my remarrying a third time – my family became alienated and felt I was “the worst person in the world”. They did not support my independence and became the kind of people that were harmful to my mental and physical health. I still love my family & would do almost anything to be with them– but at the same time I do realize I cannot allow them to dictate life for me or watch them on their own self destructive paths. I have tried to make amends, reach out – but it takes more than one person. I miss having grandchildren in my life, I am sad the paths my children’s lives have taken. We moved away to have a new and better life – to surround ourselves with positive people. My husband is me life-line and knows the deal – because unfortunately he has the same type of family situation. So now we stay busy, we try to enjoy life and stay physically and mentally fit. If our family decides they want us back – we will be there at the drop of a hat. You can only do the best you can and have to realize that you are only given what you can truly bear.
i have 3 grown children. im closer to my boys than my girl. shes always been very distant with me even as a child. shes going to have a baby in March. just recently i filed for divorce from their father. my God! youd think i had committed the worst sin! when she found out she was pregnant, i thought it would bring us together. wrong!i had done a huge injustice in her eyes. during all this time we were in the middle of moving. her father left her, her oldest brother and me to pay rent, bills, do yardwork etc. in this new place its just like a living quarters, so landlords downstairs can come up if you are gone. so the best i could do was a digital recorder to try to catch someone coming up into the apartment. what i got was my daughter talking shit about me behind my back. how shes always cleaning up after me, and how much she hates living with me. their father was a drug addict the first years of their lives. he came and went, came and went multiple times. i dont know if its bec ause she thinks i was weak and shouldve gotten rid of him a long time ago or that shes angry because we eventually moved away fromhim (we left him behind in jacksonville. this is her daddy that she loves very, very much. and if she keeps treating me this way shes going to end up living with him because all she does is mope around. i love her so much but she seems so heartless toward me.
My 7 year old son has always been a handful. He has always been intense, and he has had a very hard time at school. Lately he has become even more angry and opositional, as a knee-jerk reaction to any type of request to stop behavior. He has also begun to lash out physically, hitting, punching, biting, throwing things, breaking down doors, chasing me through the house. He often hurts me or leaves bruises. I am afraid of him. His father does nothing about it except to just ask my son to stop and coddle him, in fact he usually blames me. For example, last night I was trying to have a loving moment with him, getting him ready for bed, and preparing to read a book to him. He got wound up and bit my nose. Knee-jerk reaction, I pushed him away. My husband came in and said ” No biting AND mommy, no pushing”. I couldn’t believe it, but this is typical. My relationship with my son is being ruined each time my husband takes his side over mine and lets him hurt me. I tend to blame myself and maybe that’s why I have stayed married to my husband for so long. You see, I have been angry for about 7 years. It started with little things, like my husband not throwing away his trash, making a huge mess, or lieing about money he spent, or just not following through on plans we made, or making important decisions for us without asking me. When we had our son, it got worse. Partly because my son has been a very intense and difficult child and we have always struggled with how to discipline him. This difficult time has culminated in my husband getting laid off from work and not getting a new job for two years while I have continued to work full time. He decided that he wanted to start a business, and he is still slowly working towards it after these two years while I support the entire family. All the fighting and the anger has now made my son hate me and I think it has made him disturbed. We are getting medical help for his ADHD, but I have yet to find a counselor for all of us. I am miserable and heartbroken and worried about what kind of future my son could have if his violence and anger towards me and the world continues. I guess what I want to say is that anger destroys children. If I had it to do over again, I realize I should have divorced years ago before my son had been exposed to the disfunction in our relationship. I was too scared of being by myself and I still thought that maybe things would work out. As I read many of the previous posts, I realized that, reading between the lines, many of these parents must have also been angry and shown anger and fighting while the children were growing up. If you are in a position that you have small children and are living in an angry situation, I implore you not to make the same mistakes I made and to get help or leave for the sake of the children. I am gathering the strength to get help, but I am afraid the damage to my son and our relationship has already been done.
I’m a daughter who’s reading this article as I am certain my mother feels hated by her children. Truthfully we love her deeply but we three have grown further and further from her over the years.
I have been trying for a long time to build a better relationship with her but her personality makes it very difficult. She is a sarcastic negative person that judges, criticizes, nags, complains & imposes guilt. I don’t think she even realizes she is causing the tension despite my efforts to communicate this. Instead i believe she imagines we are ungrateful, hate-filled and we’ve all done her wrong. When I’ve tried to tell her she’s hurting my feelings with her constant verbal jabs she becomes very defensive, denies her behaviour & dismisses it all with a statement like “of course I can never say anything” or “Ohhh I’m the worst mother in the world”. I end up feeling bad that I even mentioned her constant attacks. I am a mother too and once my son told me I had done something to hurt his feelings. My immediate reaction was that of total remorse and I profusely apologized, held him tight, wiped his tears and mended his heart, without a thought. Turned out it was a total misunderstanding but I never even bothered to tell him he was wrong because that didn’t matter. Only his feelings matter so I instead assured him that i never want to hurt him or make him feel bad.
I guess becoming a mother has made dealing with her eye-rolls, “whatevers” and exasperated huffs even more difficult. My son has even picked up the word “stupid” from her because she can’t stop calling everything and everyone that. I dont want to be so distant from her but her effect on me is so personally and emotionally disruptive.
I’m not sure if it helps to see the other side of the coin. Maybe in your cases it is 100% the fault of your children. I thought id share my story anyway just in case it helps anyone become more self aware of their part in this.
I wanted to also commend the poster River, for realizing the dysfunction that can be the result of a child growing up with conflict in the home. I survived one divorce and one separation during my youth. I say survived because the effects of both splits were severe for myself and siblings. My mother has continually spoken badly about my father for over 25 years though I have asked her to stop periodically in that time. She doesn’t understand that it is rule#1 of divorce/parenting and how very hurtful it is. Recently she recounted awful experiences that have actually scarred me though I didn’t think she still had the power to do that. She is now telling these stories in front of my son and trying to undermine my efforts to make sure he knows and loves his grandfather and ruining the few happy childhood memories I have left. She doesn’t realize that these statements, however true or not, make her seem like the brute as she is the person verbally hurting me. My father stopped bashing her long ago and acknowledges that he wasn’t a good father/husband and continually tries to make up for it now. She is the only one still dragging my heart over the coals.
Please please read about the harmful effects of speaking negatively about your ex-spouses anyway near your children. It actually pushes them away from you.
I came to this website cos I going thru stuff with my grown children, my eldest son recently had a new baby with his girlfriend…alas the immense JOY I experienced has turned to deep sadness as they have split up after 8 weeks of my new grand-daughter being born…i am so sad as I know I wont see the baba anymore, I really thought it would be different with this one, e already has a daughter with a different young woman, who now has 3 other children and because of her issues makes it difficult for me to have a relationship with my grand-daughter…its all such a big mess! I have decided that its best that I get on with my own Life at present as I have to, work cos otherwise I have no income, I recently qualified as a Yoga instructor and am also a massage therapist….no matter how much I want to help them they dont want it…these young people nowadays live any old way they want to, they dont value family including elder mothers…my own Mother died 3 years ago n although she never raised me n I had an appalling childhood I always showed my poor Mum care n real love (very difficult at times)…i will always be there for my children, keep my door open, light on n candle burning but will try my best not to be consumed by the pain of not seeing them or my granchildren…its not easy but there are other people who can see the brilliance of the Diamond I am…
MyMy heart has been for ever hurt. My son añd I have always been so very close. I would do without out to much sure. He needed what he needs. He has meet this young woman with four kids with different daddy. And my son has one little boy. This woman is so very jealous because he still married and. I had tried to get friend with my son wife because of my grandson. Well his girlfriend is totally making. He believes that I don’t need to be in his life. Because of me still talking with his wife.. So I told his wife that I could no longer talk with her. This woman is like a devil her self. But she making my son believe. That she a christian wollman. M
I am a divorced 59 year old woman and I have two adult children (son, 28, daughter 26). My elderly mother (85 yrs. old) has dementia. I am now the only one who visits her and pays her bills. she lived with me at one time but is now in a board/care home close by. yesterday I found out the care home is raising their rates $400/mo. more per month. I do not have the additional funds and therefore, reached out to family to help. All I heard were crickets. Except from my son who said I play the victim and he deserves an apology from me for disrespecting him for a silly argument we had over the summer. And therefore, he told me to not ask him for help. Unfortunately, the holidays are coming and I do not want to be depressed. My son said very hurtful things to me and knew exactly where to hurt my heart. I am a Christian and need advise and support to help get through this bad situation.
Thank you to everyone who has shared their stories here: both the hurt mothers and the hurt adult children. I wish my own son would tell me why he is angry at me and won’t speak to me as I would do everything I could to “mend his heart.” But as he won’t speak to me and only said “You know what you did and until you admit to it, I have nothing further to say to you” that has been the end of the line.
I have absolutely no idea “what I did” as he became angry about so many things that made no sense at all… such as mentioning that “he and his wife had come to visit” when it turns out he hadn’t told the rest of the family and I was somehow supposed to know that, and “not talk about anything about his personal life”… what sense does that make?
In any event, I wish I could know what I did to cause this estrangement as with no communication at all it makes it impossible to restore good feelings. I can’t believe anyone would not want resolution, but apparently that is the case here.
Thanks to the adult children who have posted their stories here as at least it gives the estranged mothers among us (me included) a chance to look at our own actions and wonder “did I somehow do this?” I would give anything to know why my son has cut me off.
I “keep a light burning” too, just as one person so eloquently and heartbreakingly put it. I am just the same.
Dear God please lead us to resolution and heal these wounds that have not healed. Dear God please show us The Way. Gracias, Amen.
Children don’t break our hearts. We allow the unfulfilled expectations we had for them to break our own hearts. They need to find their own way and we need to accept that and move on with our own lives. Perhaps their path will lead them back to us perhaps not. We just need to love them anyway because that love is about our emotional well being not theirs
If my don asked me tomorrow for a kidney I would give it unreservedly but that doesn’t mean the relationship with him is healthy or necessary and I’ve made peace with not having him in my life and realize it doesn’t diminish my love my memories or my own fulfillment.
To Georgie:
One issue I consistently hear is the ” it’s my life….not yours” arguement thread. And while this, within certain scope, is viable and a strong show of independence…..it really isn’t true. And when I say that, it’s saying that a parent’s life is not their own either: all these relationships mean that we are accountable to each other as well as ourselves.
We’re seemingly in a society where we teach that ” My Rights” as an individual are more important than “My Responsibilities” to anyone else. We’re now ruled by a minority of One……just Me. And so we are creating millions of isolated island states of “just Me”, who ironically seem to still want others to value them. Like ME! Listen to MY opinion! Something has offended ME! ( and I expect you to change to accomodate ME)
This is why we’re so lonely…but feel a need to collect “Friends & Likes”
As parents, we cannot conduct ourselves without regard to our children. As children, we must learn to act in regards to others around us. (and parents NEED to teach this)
Hear me out. This does not mean be a thoughtless sheep…but don’t ignore the flock, because you’re one of them too and you don’t want to be ignored.
A little simple math here;
If we shut ourselves off and care for no one but ourselves, and everyone else does the same, how many people are looking after you and your needs? Just one…..with limited knowledge and resources – not nearly enough to satisfy all those “needs” ( much less, the “wants”)
Now, if we take our energies and extend it outwards to others to help with their needs, thus freeing up others to do the same for you because they’re now having many of their needs met…how many people are now available to look out for you? 5?10? Hundreds? Thousands? Who knows? But I guarantee that it’s more than One.
Our personal needs are too numerous to be fully met by one less than perfect individual.
That’s why there are so many other people. And that’s why we have a responsibility to them.
For the past ten years my wife and I of 40 years have endured many unspeakable actions from our children who seem to follow the empowering words of this brave new world it is OK to follow feelings of hate, disrespect, and discrimination towards anyone as long as it empowers and benefits YOURSELF.
Our children have told us both we have outlived or usefulness in what were required to do for them as parents, that we are fools, but that’s OK they will take us for what ever they can get. We no longer cry for our children, or even ourselves, but for the world.
Ours is a long story, my husband and I both didn’t have the best of childhoods, my father was an alcoholic and his mother was an abusive evil woman.
When our two oldest were just babies we cut off all contact with his mother. We could no longer take her insisting to control our lives or make our life hell. She resorted to lies and everything else to break us up because she had some warped sense that if we split up she could get our kids. The first cut off from her lasted 4 years and then after the birth of my last child, I felt like I was cheating my children and someday they would grow up and blame me for not allowing them to know their grandmother. There were lots of ups and downs and then she seemed to change, but we soon learned the evil in her ran deep. To make a long story short, we finally felt comfortable enough to leave the children alone with her overnight on two separate occasions about a week apart. She was very cruel to my daughter and physically abused my youngest son and then terrified him by telling him if he told us that we wouldn’t believe him and she’d do worse the next time. We saw the bruises and asked him what happened and at first he lied, then told his sunday school teacher what happened but was afraid for us to know because of her threats to a little 5 year old boy. We cut off all contact with her at that time after confronting her with what she had done to two of our three children.
Fast forward 5 years and she contacted our daughter when she was 18 to which our daughter told her she would never forget what she did to her and wanted nothing to do with her.
Two years later when my oldest son was a senior in HS she contacted him behind our back. We were having problems with him at the time and she started using that against us, how horrible we were to ground him, take his phone away, etc. If he came to live with her she’d let him do what he wanted, buy him a new car, etc. All of this we found out after the fact when he took off in the middle of the night leaving us a note to find the next morning telling us he was leaving and not coming back.
My youngest son’s last memory of her was her abusing him and my oldest son finished out his school year in the same school as my youngest. I had to fight with the school to keep her away from my youngest because she would come to the school and scare him along with my oldest son who would tell him they were going to kidnap him among physical threats. I almost had a nervous breakdown those final few months of the school year. I loved my oldest son but he was making life hell for my youngest.
I still begged and pleaded with him to come back home but he had just turned 18 and I couldn’t force him. For the next year I talked to him on the phone and sent him money for clothes and shoes and bought him a computer for college. Then he got a new number and we quit hearing from him because we didn’t know his number. He would call every great once in awhile and block his number when he called. Then he called us and said he was getting married and expected us to be there with her running the show. We told him that we loved him and wanted to see him get married, but we were not going to allow her back in our life. So we were told she was more welcome than we were, so he didn’t want us there. Then we heard nothing from him again until his wife was pregnant and due any day with his daughter. He called and wanted to meet, my daughter and youngest son did not want to see him because they both have a lot of hard feelings towards him because of what he had done to both of them, including physically attacking them. My husband and I though went and met him at a public place and I told him that all of the kids were adults now and I couldn’t force them to have a relationship with him, so our relationship with him would not include our daughter and other son unless they wanted one and he would have to make the first move with them. He told us he would let us know when the baby was born and that we could come see the baby. I knew when she had the baby by finding out through family members on my side, but he never called. He sent us a letter stating he changed his mind and wanted nothing to do with us and didn’t want us being a part of his baby’s life.
Then several months later he sent a letter saying we could if we met his demands and his demands were we force his sister and brother to have a relationship with him, which we can’t do and he won’t even make an attempt with them or apologize for what he did to them. That we would also have a relationship with his Grandmother. That is not something either of us are willing to do. She caused our lives to be a living hell and we just can’t go through that again, no matter how much we love our son and granddaughter.
He contacted me through social media a few weeks ago and asked if I was willing to meet his demands and if I wasn’t then it was me not him now that was keeping us apart.
My daughter and son want nothing to do with him and have made that very clear to me and I can’t say that I blame them. He hurt them a lot as well. My husband and I won’t put ourselves through the kind of hell my husband’s mother put us through again.
My granddaughter will soon be two years old and I’ve never seen her. I do mail her presents and they let her have them or at least they haven’t sent them back. It breaks my heart and I’ve spent many nights over the years crying myself to sleep and there is never a day that I don’t think of them. I do think it is easier this way though because I couldn’t stand it if I got to know her to be told I could not see her.
We were always a close family and I never dreamed it would be this way. I had three children and the other two are the same loving adults as they were the loving young children. They are still very close to each other and us. My daughter is about to have a baby and I will get to shower this grandbaby with love. So I’ve learned to just count my blessings for what I do have. I pray for my son and I pray someday he will mend his relationship with my other kids, but I’ve came to terms with the fact that I can’t change him and I can’t live my life in sadness and despair. So I push the hurt aside and go on.
When he last contacted me I told him that love does come with demands, especially demands that can’t be met.
Tim the words you wrote regarding considering others and not just yourself were a true blessing and exactly the words that I thought but were not able to find. Thank you
Diane, I know just how you feel. I am going through something quite similar, even though the characters have changed. All of this makes me believe that there is evil in this world, and everyone chooses which side they will be on. It sounds like your estranged son has chosen the go to the dark side and as you pointed out, there is nothing any of us can do to change another person, no matter how much we love them or want to help them make better decisions.
I am so sorry for what you are experiencing. Thank you for sharing your story… and I agree, that “love does [not] come with demands, especially demands that can’t be met.”
What more can any of us say? And he puts the responsibility on you and not on himself, who has created and built this impossible gulf. It is a bridge that no one can cross over.
God grant you peace and dear Lord please show us all The Way.
Just reading Diane’s post, I’m astounded nobody has reported the physical abuse. In many countries it is now mandatory to report abuse to a child, whether through disclosure or actual evidence (bruises). The Sunday school teacher mentioned in that post is actually breaking the law by NOT reporting abuse ……. I just have no words
I have the almost same problem I always wanted my kids happy I did my best as years went by I felt alone started making mistakes that I didn’t know would haunt me now they kinda forgive but because I’m poor now I can’t do for them like I want they make excuses not to come see me are help me I’m 53 I pray always for someone to forgive me I had terrible abuse in 2 marriages I can go on an on
Thank you all for sharing your stories. It helps to not feel so alone with thepainmof being rejected b the children you love so much, sacrificed for, did your very best. That’s the part I try to remember when the pain is hard to bear. I did my BEST. I tried my best.i loved wth all I had. We all do the best we can with what we have. I try to be grateful for the years I had with them.
Prayers for all of us and all of them…they hurt too. If not now, someday. I trul believe in karma. It’s how we all learn.
Hi – it is kind of comforting to read all of the stories. It is interesting how we “Buy” into the perfect family that we see on T.V., or some of our friends might have, or we see on some reality shows. WE are hoodwinked, because we do not see the private side of family life – the things that go on behind the polite smiles and the kids doing the right and often boring things! I think we have become parents who are great at enabling, because we wanted to love and protect our children too much from the harsh realities of life. maybe we were not told we were loved as children, so some of us may have gone over board? And most of us have done the best job we can – it is impossible to get it right! we need to let go of our expectations, accept life on LIFE’s terms, not our terms. Let go of the idealistic dreams we had – and love our children for who they are. Never let them abuse us – and sometimes that might mean loving them but not seeing them. Be strong, keep reminding yourself that parenting is not a life sentence – you can move onto other things – God has created YOU with a purpose, not to just be a doormat or ridiculed or hated – but to have a life yourself. Go for it ..
Pam,
You ARE forgiven. by the only being that matters in this life.. CHRIST. Listen, I’m not a bible thumping, church goer. I just KNOW…
My entire family does not speak to me, my daughter is a horrible narcisist and my son- who I thought was my one and only- is now moving out with his 8 year older then him, girlfriend. She tried to ruin my marriage and has called me awful names… yet my son is still moving out with her.
I have come to realize that he (21) needs to learn some hard lessons. I am letting him go but letting him know he is welcome home when things go bad….. and they WILL.
If you love your children and do what you can and are able, you have been a good mom. Please dont beat yourself up. You are human and if they do not realize that when they have children of their own.. YOU HAVE LOVED THEM! YOU are loved, Pam
A lot of the time, when I read these emails from bamboozled parents, I hear the voice of my mother. So puzzled, unsure why the children she so lovingly sacrificed EVERYTHING for are so distant, cold and ungrateful. My only answer is a I also get the passive aggressive tone behind it, the martyred sigh, not understanding where she, a loving mother, could have gone so wrong. I recommend that their stories be taken with a pinch of salt. Yes, sometimes children can be spoiled and thoughtless, but children all start out as sensitive loving creatures, and it is through the warping of their upbringing that they come to be what they are. From personal experience, I couldn’t wait to get away from the weighty chains of expectation, having to constantly try and live up to my mother’s impossible standards, to hide from her critical gaze and tightly pressed lips, to search for and find people who saw me for myself, not as a reflection of their own dreams, or something onto which they superimposed their own criteria of success as the only acceptable outcome. The person who told you that you didn’t know what you felt or thought: that she was the mother, and she knew best what was good for you. No, that wasn’t true, it happened this way…the lingering looks of disappointment when you expressed a different view. Some of these mothers sounds like they are well rehearsed at the hurt looks and plaintiff cries professing that they have done nothing wrong. But if it’s anything like what I experienced, their children can’t wait to get away from the multiple strings that are attached to their mother’s approval and love.
My daughter and I have always had a rocky relationship, but we seemed to get a long much better when she moved out. Then on Thanksgiving I found out that she wasn’t who I thought she was, she had been lying to our whole family for almost a year about everything. I found out she lies all the time, and she has done things that I can not believe she did. She has been very disrespectful and says she is sorry, but then her actions say she is not. Now, she has no job, she left her boyfriend and is living with our neighbors on their couch. She wanted to move back in with us, but I couldn’t let her. I do not trust her and I am afraid to let her live with us again. I have PTSD and I just can’t do it. I have been so heart broken ever since I found out about all the lies, and now I feel so awful because I can’t let her come back
here. I am really trying not to cry, but I can’t seem to stop. She’s my daughter and I love her but I feel as though I don’t really know her, and I’m just afraid. I am going to start counseling and I hope it helps.
Michelle,
I believe we raise our children to become the adults they are. Our lessons and the environment we raised them in form their actions, opinions and behaviours. Remember her mistakes are your mistakes. As parents we are allowed to disagree with our children’s actions and behaviours. We should when our child is hurting others or breaking laws. This is how we continue to teach and guide. However i don’t think we should stop supporting or loving our children. A child who is not allowed in their parents home becomes at risk for many of society’s ills. Open your heart & door to your daughter and yes get counselling, but together. Find out the roots and causes of her behaviour together and help her overcome them. She has lost everything, including her mother. In my darkest hour I would surely hope the unconditional love of family would see me through.
Frank, reading your story brought tears to my eyes! Oh, if only my only son will one day come to the realization(s) that you did. I am so glad you have a better relationship with your Mother now, and I was so touched reading about her “trying to fix your proverbial booboo.” Yes, that is what we mothers are bound to do.
God bless you, your mother and your family. I am so glad that things are going well now and I hope they continue that way in the future. Thank you for writing this story of hope for us all.
“The winds of grace blow all the time; all we need do is set our sails.” Dear God please show us The Way.
Michelle wrote: “on Thanksgiving I found out that she wasn’t who I thought she was, she had been lying to our whole family for almost a year about everything. I found out she lies all the time, and she has done things that I can not believe she did.”
Michelle the same thing happened to me, finding out on public blogs my son posted on and his (ex) girlfriend’s blog. I was so shocked and horrified at what I read, and what I had been “supporting” (enabling) without knowing all these years… I thought I was going to die. To this day I can’t believe those things are true, but they are. And there is nothing I can do to help. Nothing.
It was the worst kind of death – so sudden and so shocking and being blindsided “out of the blue.” It was like being hit by a train in a second yet somehow I lived, mangled, broken and blinded by the light. The light of a reality that I never thought could be.
I have PTSD and I can’t come out of it for a very long time whenever I am rejected or attacked, and that has made it impossible for me to even attempt any kind of reconciliation as things never went very well, no matter how hard I tried. I have come to the conclusion that if he ever wants to contact me, he will, and I should just leave him alone and not put him in an uncomfortable or angry position that he must have been with me previously. Our relationship was always more of the “I Hate You Don’t Leave Me” kind and it was very, very disheartening.
But he is my son and always will be and I will “love him from a distance” and put our relationship in God’s Hands. I hope he finds peace and happiness and I hope that if I am ever wanted, needed or called, that I can be there for him in as much of a productive way as possible. But I will also expect respect and courtesy; at least as much as he would offer a stranger on the street.
In the meantime, I am so grateful that there are blogs and forums like this. Until the internet, I thought I was “the only one.” Not true, unfortunately, but perhaps one day reconciliation can be achieved.
I am glad to read stories like Frank’s. There’s hope yet in this life or the next.
Love never dies.
Gracias, Dios, Amen.
parentforlife wrote: ” Our lessons and the environment we raised them in form their actions, opinions and behaviours. Remember her mistakes are your mistakes.”
I’m sorry, but I can’t agree that the mistakes my own children have made are “my mistakes” or “lessons they learned from me.”
One of the things I learned in Alanon (family members of addicts) is that adult children are responsible for their own actions. They don’t always “learn it at home” and they certainly didn’t learn it in my home. Quite the contrary.
I have never refused entrance to an adult child, but there are many that lie, steal and threaten their family members and parents to get drugs or more, and they cannot be allowed in the home.
Your comment is well-intentioned I’m sure but blaming or chastising the parent who has no control over another adult human being is adding salt to the wounds. And the wounds are plenty, and large and can’t be papered over with codependent enabling words. That does more harm than good.
Everyone needs to take responsibility for themselves and no one has the right to torture and destroy others just because they are “family members.”
Initially I started looking on the web for assistance in how to defend myself against the lies my ex tells to our adult children. I did not know how to cope with the turmoil caused by (1) the fact my children could even consider that I could commit the atrocities he fabricates, or (2) the turmoil from not responding from the pain and outrage, for fear of losing them from my life. From that initial search I found this site and found out I am not facing this issue alone.
All three of my children have on occasion displayed learned behaviours from their father as to how they behave toward me. Obviously my handling of those times must have sent them an unconscious message that it was okay to treat me that way because they are now in their 40’s, and it still sometimes rears its head. When I am in chaotic turmoil all I want to do is tell them to go away and not come back until they can treat me with the same respect I afford them. But I do not do this because of my own enormous fear that they never will come back. I absolutely accept it is my own fear that is controlling this situation. A fear that began its growth back in my own childhood.
In my Heart I know I have no claims on them and as much as I long to feel Loved by them I know my loving of them is more important to me, so why cannot I let go? I Love them beyond words adequate enough to define what I mean. I only know Love is a Verb, not a noun or an emotion. I cannot see or understand abusive, mean or nasty behaviour as an expression of Love.
My health and wellbeing cannot sustain this turmoil without being adversely effected. But will telling them to “go away” bring about a suffering far worse than these times of turmoil. The thought of not having them in my life goes beyond words. The very thought itself causes a blank silence.
On the other side, the thought of accepting their bouts of father-learned behaviour toward me, for the remainder of my life, is unacceptable. I have a right to be treated with respect. I Love and care for myself, and, for my beautiful husband.
But how do I let them go? I guess it must come down to living what I know in my Heart is the truth. Loving them is the ultimate Joy. Being Loved by them is their choice.
So why cannot I let go? The loss!
Thanks for your feedback Catherine Todd, your situation sounds terrible and I pray for you.
parentforlife, thank you for your response, but I would like to correct a possible misunderstanding. My situation is NOT “terrible.” I was describing other parents who have adult children who cause constant havoc, chaos, lies, theft, alcohol or drug addictions and more.
Sometimes those parents have to take a hard line and “just say no” to more destructive influences, even if to protect other children in the home or even their own mental health. This is not the situation with me.
I was referring to your telling the other woman that she should allow her daughter, who has attacked her many times, to return to the home and they should “go to counseling together.” You also said that our (adult) children’s mistakes are “our mistakes.”
I am not responsible nor can I control what another adult human being does. Yes, they are influenced by their home life and family upbringing, but many other influences also come into play.
To tell a grieving woman who does not want to have more chaos in her life that she is somehow responsible for it and to allow it to continue is like telling a battered wife that she should stay with her abusive husband, and she “must have done something to set him off.”
In spite of what Freud and other victim-blamers say, we are not responsible for other people’s actions. It took me a long time to realize and accept that. It was only having a battered-child mentality that made me believe it was “my fault” my son did the things he did. No, he chose to do the things he did and he’s been doing them for more than 40 years. Once a person leaves home we have no more control over them and sometimes we don’t have a lot of control when they are home! If we did, we would be called “overbearing controlling mothers.”
Sometimes you can’t win for losing when someone is looking for someone else to blame. I accept the responsibility for what I do and the lessons I taught and the lessons I learned. I am not responsible for another person’s lies, destructive or misbehavior.
Michelle is not to blame for her daughter’s behavior.
Again, what I learned in Alanon (family members of alcoholics), is the Three C’s:
You didn’t cause it
You can’t control it
You can’t cure it.
As adults we all have to take stock of our own lives and live in the best way we know how, or as some do, any way we want to! Some choices are positive for self and others, and many choices are negative. The recipient of the anger, violence, lies and chaos is not responsible for what is being heaped on them.
I think it’s more important to learn to take care of oneself and not allow anyone to disrespect us as parents or individuals. For far too many years women were blamed for being abused and battered by husbands or more. Those days are thankfully over.
Now we need to stop blaming parents for the abusive behavior of their off-spring. This may seem harsh to you, but it’s just as important for mothers to realize everything is not their fault!
The most vulnerable of our population, women, are constantly blamed for the actions of others when they have no control over those other people.
If you want to pray for someone, pray for the abusive adult children who have not yet learned the error of their ways. Those are the ones who are causing havoc and pain, and they need help more than any others. Consider working with troubled adults if you are so inclined, and offer real support to others rather than blaming them when they are being victimized.
That is what will help make the necessary changes for everyone to treat each other with courtesy and respect. Unless of course you absolve others of lying and more destructive actions. I don’t believe excusing bad behavior helps anyone in the end.
After reading everyone’s experiences, feeling your pain like my own, I am grateful for this blog/forum. I felt very alone until coming here and realizing I’m not.
For 21.5 years we had a wonderful family life. Our oldest son has grown into a wonderful young gentleman. He was a college student, worked part-time, was polite, considerate and entertaining. Now our family is gone. It’s demise coincided with our him hooking up with his first real girlfriend. When he initially was telling us about her, her job, her family etc., he said she doesn’t have a great family life. She spent more time with him at our house and she got to experience our family first hand. But the more time she spent here we believe she was resentful of us, knew that wasn’t what she had and wasn’t going to compete with us. She wanted him all to herself. We observed how controlling and manipulative she was. The more we tried to speak to him about this, the more he pushed away. My younger son told us that she basically gave him an ultimatum that “you need to lose that Mommy and Daddy thing”. Really, it’s not like I was still laying his clothes out and brushed his teeth! Sure, we sat down to dinner as a family 6-7 days a week before she came along.
We knew the day would come where he would leave us to make his way in the world, but he left 8 months ago, quit school (3 years in – leaving us with $25k in student loans) and moved into an apartment with her. He has not spoken or seen us since – although he lives in the next town and works with his grandfather and uncle (my husband’s father and brother).
She convinced him if they moved into an apartment together, they can qualify for school grants – not sure where/what her source is for this. As of January, she is the only one back at school, he is not – we believe he didn’t qualify and/or cannot afford to go back. However, he posted on her Facebook page that he did get a “B” on the Anatomy paper he wrote for her. He makes her neurologist appointments, takes off work to drive her to those appointments – even when the roads were closed for snow. He spends most of his paycheck on gifts and items for her. Some of that $25k of school loans WE are paying back included about $2k he used to pay off her Visa card. Nice.
She has a car and he can use it for her benefit but he doesn’t have a car since we took it from him for drinking and driving. Yet with the frigid winter and snow she will not get up in the morning to take him to work – he rides a bike.
He waits on her hand and foot. She made him block our numbers on his cell phone. We sent him a couple Birthday cards earlier this week. We mailed them to his work because we do not know his address. No acknowledgement – not even a text “Thanks”. Then we got them in the returned mail.
My sister says not to give up on him but until he breaks free from her mind control, I’m tired of crying, missing him, not being able to even talk to him. I feel if I leave him behind, try to forget about him ( yeah right like you’ll ever really forget a child) maybe one day it won’t hurt so much or think about him so much. He seems to have no feelings for us now – when just a year ago the picture was sooo different.
Should I believe “he’ll come around” or “he’ll be back” or “don’t give up on him”?? Or is it best to try and forget that nirvana that is now gone…
Our family was my husband and my biggest source of joy and pride. Now it feels like it’s gone forever. The joy has been sucked out of our lives. I am on two anti- depressants and I just don’t feel like they’re working.
I’m in tears for all of you. I think the worst feeling in this world is when you love someone so much, and they hate you. My daughter and I were the closest that two people could be. Then as she became a teen, there was a switch. My husband was really never around, he worked a lot so it was her and I. I had a very abusive (in every way) mom, so I decided to be there for my little girl in everyway my mom wasn’t. I never wanted her to hurt or want for anything. I had her at 21 and it seemed as she grew she began to just hate me, the more I tried the more she hated. Then when I became sick she completely turned on me, she started to fight for attention with me against my husband. She would steal my clothes, my jewlery he’d buy me. She ripped up all our photos. All the stories of my moms abuse she told everyone it was me and how I treated her. Now she moved out and lives in our business. At 25 she still doesn’t support herself but says the worst things to me you’d imagine. There’s not a day that I don’t cry over this child. My husband used to believe her when I would say she’s stealing and dropping classes for the money and (she still hasn’t finished school) now he’s finally seen who she is now that she’s working at our business. She tried to have me thrown out of my own home, just because her boyfriend broke up with her, her anger was, ” I cant have a man, either will you. I’m going to break up your marriage, he’ll pick me over you.”. What have I done for my own daughter to hate me? I’ve never hit her, I’ve never not been there for her, I’ve always given her whatever she needed, private schools, cheerleading, vacations every year, all her friends were always allowed in our home at all times, new cars from 16 this kid never went without. I don’t understand? I’m heartbroken… At 25 will she hate me forever? She can’t keep a job or a relationship and she tells everyone it’s my fault. I’m starting to give up. Maybe I should just leave the state and give her what she wants, get dad all to herself. I can’t keep this up forever. I got a text from her after nothing for 6 months and it said “I hate you but I just wanted to sent you this book” it was a child’s book. I responded “I love you”. She was angry anyway, she told her dad I don’t have a mom. He thanked her for reaching out to me? I thought that was ridiculous… Reaching out? She told me she hated me?
I also agree, my grown daughters mistakes are NOT my mistakes. I taught her to not lie, not steal and to be an honest loving person. She watched me volunteer and take care of others. Why she chooses to be hurtful and mean I don’t know.
I am in pain. My son’s walked into a complex relationship, and has seemed to hate me for a while. I’ve told him I’m worried and don’t approve; this is his first real girlfriend.
My heart’s broken and I’m finding it hard to cope with his hate and coldness towards me.
I’ve screwed up….I’ve had “down times,” however, he’s never had anything but FREEDOM.
I pray he will be OK. I pray he will love me again. The emotions I feel are ANGER (I lashed out at him the other day) and SORROW.