Many people who have come to this page are looking for answers to the problem of family estrangement. I’m 
excited to be able to offer an brand new resource. For my book, Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them, I interviewed hundreds of people in estrangements, including those who have successfully reconciled. The book is filled with compelling stories, concrete advice, and strategies and tips for healing family rifts. I hope you find it helpful!
In an earlier post, one of the Legacy Project elders shared her mixed feelings about having children. Loraine,89 , talked about accepting both the joy and the pain children can bring. She stated: “If you don’t have children now, when you have them you will have these moments. When you look at them and your heart – it’s like your heart takes all the pain and all the love for them that you have.”
We just received a comment on that post from one of our readers, who would like your advice:
What about when your children are disappointments? I would like to hear how parents handle situations when their most loved children are cause for a broken heart? Comments please!
We asked some experts for their advice, which you can find here.
Please note that the comments thread on this post is now closed.
Thank you so much for this website. I happened to stumble upon it when I needed it most. Thank you, thank you, thank you. My heart breaking just a little bit less, knowing there are others who feel this pain as deeply as I do.
I don’t even know where to begin; but this seems like a good place. To make such a long, long story shorter…My son decided at the age of a very immature 22 that he would deliberately bring a baby into the world–and so with his 20 year old girlfriend he did just that despite my urges to wait. I remained concerned all through her pregnancy and tried the entire time to be encouraging and proud of them. I found the mother to be pleasant enough; but, rightfully so, very immature as well. They simply were not ready for this scenario and before long it proved to be too much for them and consequently unsafe for the baby. Now, my son is taking himself and everyone around him through an unimaginable emotional roller coaster, and facing serious charges because he could not control his emotions and temper. My son has had a lifelong battle with anger management (at best) and I have done anything and everything I can as a mother to help him with this. Once he became of age, I lost all influence over him–he left my home and I prayed he would make it in this world without getting caught up in the system in some way. I never imagined that the experience as a Grandmother, which I have done everything to embrace as positively as I can would be tarnished simply because he cannot see past his own feelings. I am heartbroken and angry and although I am (still) trying to support him everyday I do not know how much more of this I can take. He will not own up to what he’s done and blames everyone else around him whether in his present or past. Every day its a different story and he is paranoid and constantly victimizing himself in some manner. I am losing respect for him, and patience, but never love. Because of this, I am very confused and I am losing myself. My health is beginning to suffer and I am constantly stressed. My other important relationships are suffering as well, including the one with my other child because I have lost interest in many things I enjoy. I want to run away from my own child who has hurt so many people and doesn’t even seem to realize it, but as always haven’t got the heart and I never want him to feel abandoned. so I continue to do my best as a mother, often to my own detriment. I am so disappointed and ashamed of who my son is now and it hurts to admit that. what will happen to him; and what will happen to me? I tell myself I am prepared for anything–but my heart knows better.
My only child aged 40 years has got engaged. He refused to speak with me since his dad and I separated over 8 years ago, and says I told him he was a “product of abuse” That’s a lie, he remains friends with his Dad in spite of that.
I was a devoted mother and wife. Clearly neither valued my love for them, my husband emailed me because he did not want me to hear it from others. How can I stop hurting? I am happy to know he has found someone to love and be loved.
Maria
Jay. Let me shed some personal experience. Just last week my son was married to his long time girlfriend since 6th grade. They’ve been dating for 10 years. My son asked his finance at Christmas 13 and the wedding was planned throughout the year.
My husband and I were nothing but a checkbook for her. Sure “plans” were thought out but it always was we “work like a horse” or “pay through the nose” being the grooms family I expected distance however I didn’t expect t these along with other things.
I wasn’t included in preparing a list of people to come from our side. Our family’s guest list consisted of about 7% of our family.
I was forgotten about (also family was) to be invited to the wedding shower.
After assuming the shower would be conjoined with her family my sons family was eliminated after the mother of the bride bailed on me and I was expected to have a shower of my own that didn’t happen
At the wedding. No pictures were taken of our family at all.
At the reception my husband and I were seated like “guests” in the back and didn’t get to participate in anything.
All we were demanded to do was pay a crazy bar bill to get their friends and her family wasted. We cut off the bar bill at 9pm and went home by 10. Our family had already left before us too
My heart bleeds I do not know how to manage my sadness and truthfully a lot of anger. Not to mention our other son spontaneously informed us he wanted to bring his “boyfriend” to this and “come out” as I was told.
This was horrid and my husband and I have not talked
To anyone. We look like bad parents but gave our children everything and morals in a good home.
My sincere empathy goes out to all parents who are suffering pain from a damaged relationship with their child or children. I could share a bit of my story, but it is not about me….it is about Sara, who was born to an American Dad (me) and an Asian mom. Sara has experienced a lot of loss – relatives dying early in her life, her Dad losing jobs more than once, loss of a lake home that was to be hers…. more loss than I can share here. But it has already been an established part of life that loss is included for everyone. It is especially challenging when it happens to a child. Going from riches/vacations/material joys to losing a family, a home..it has devastated her in many ways. Even though I am divorced now, I continue to provide support and love any way I can….even with rejection and blaming and spitefulness tossed in my face. It is up to me to choose to continue to care, or not care. I choose to care and hold out hope that Sara will decide to engage in life again, rather than fight it. I choose to believe in God, even if it is not logical. I choose to believe in hope, and in kindness and in respect. I cannot “fix” this, although God knows I have tried! I am not being very focused in this posting, which I attribute to my grief. Sara is still alive, but she is slowly killing herself with unhealthy choices, and a desire to obtain some kind of revenge for the hurt she has accumulated. I pray with all my soul that Sara will choose Light over Dark, love over hate, caring over selfishness, and God over evil. Peace.
Thanks to everyone who has told their story of heartbreak. By reading these stories I realize I am not alone as my heartache explodes from my son being “a selfish boy”.
He is only 20 and is currently in a drug rehap center. He’s been in jail 7 times in two years from drug related charges. This last time he admitted he needed help. I got him an attorney to get him out of prison and into a rehap program. We too have always been close with my Ex paying him no attention. My ex also makes great money and managed to buy my youngest son away from me several years ago.
The treatment program recommends he stayed in a 3/4 house for six months before coming home. This is a lot of money and knowing I’m tapped out, he has went to his father for the money and dropped me like a hot potato.
I love both my boys so very much, gave up my career to raise them. They were MY LIFE and of course now, I don’t have one. I only hear from them when they need me for something. They both act/feel that it’s still my responsibility to do for them because I am their mother. Its ok for them to treat me and my home as their door mat and that I have no right to expect or ask anything of them.
I raised them from age 7 to be responsible, have family household chores, help out neighbors, family and church family when there were needs to be met. They both act as if they are spoiled, selfish, inconsiderate brats that can talk to me like a dog. I’ve been very hurt and angry at them and showed it.
Thanks to above posters, going forward I will reiterate my love always and simply back away when needed. I’m removing my resentment from the pain in the past. From this day forward, I will work on building myself a life. It’s been so painful trying to hold onto their love, it’s time to set them and me free.
Thank you.
God Bless you all.
I’m a nobody! I’ve even been told,
I am SO grateful for all the sharings on here! I honestly thought I was all alone in this since no one close to me has these issues. My heart is still aching and I cry often but I now know I am not alone and will look into the books and website that was mentioned ealier. Thank you from my heart or what’s left of it!
I have a 22-year-old son. he was my first son and was always very caring and loving. Suddenly a day before his birthday his dad text him to remind him not to come home late. He replied, “dad i need my freedom, not coming back.” My husband texted, “ok, but you are not coming back.” he said he knew.I immediately started pouring in tears. I knew my son was 22 and that I should not tell him anything. In my eyes, I did not like what he was doing to our family, 22-year-old, no job, no school, all he wanted was to party and he did not helped around in house chores. I had my other 18-year-old who will be attending college, my 13-year-old who has straight A’s in middle school and they both helped me arounfd with our house chores. The sad part was that he was the one that I helped the most. Maybe I was not the perfect mom, but what really broke my heart was that he seeked help with my sisters and started talking bad about me…..I am hartbroken but i know i need to move on, i forgive him, but I am sure that I will and will not allow him to come back and live with us. Am I wrong for thinking like that?
I am the proud 68 year old mother of a convicted drug addict/prostitute daughter and a son who’s just mean. My son is happily married, but he somehow equates his manliness being unfeeling towards me. All I want from him is an occasional note or phone call. It’s been 1-1/2 years since our estrangement, and that a whole ‘nother story. Is anybody out there?
Kathy,
I cannot imagine what you must be going through right now because I myself have been discarded by my 17 yr old son for his non custodial father and that has me in a terrible state.
I was granted full custody 14 years ago and my ex visitation only. I remarried 2 yrs later and my husband(his stepfather)and I have provided for him with little if no help from his father. We have given him a wonderful loving home, the chance for a great education, and great health/dental coverage.
His father through the years has always been given more than regular visitation and we have encouraged Bowen to spend time with him even though he wasn’t paying support or his 1/2 of medical expenses/insurance. My husband has always made sure my son was taken care of and never complained about having to cover for my ex’s lack of financial responsibilities. He even gave him a vehicle last year but he totalled it 4 weeks later.
In the last 5 years, we started having problems with him in school, at home, and generally in his whole attitude. Every time he went to his dad’s, he came home not only late, but defiant and unwilling to do homework or what was expected of an 8th-11th grade student. We had to pull him out of private school because of his grades and disruptive behavior, and started him in family counseling. No matter what we did, he became more and more defiant and continued to get in trouble at school. He has been suspended 11 times to date and he is only a Junior in HS.
We tried to talk to his father and get on the same page, even asked him to join us in counseling, but he would make excuses (just like his son)and never show.
It wasn’t until we overheard a conversation he was having with his father that we knew what was going on. He was telling him that we “police” him and just because he didn’t make good grades or got suspended, wasn’t any reason to isolate him at home while his friends were out. Seriously? I do not deny that we restricted Bowen when he was suspended, had failing grades, or disrespected us by lying, but he had many friends and spent his time with them when we were not doing family things. I believe that if a child breaks the rules, he has to suffer the consequences not given privileges. His father on the other hand was letting him do or go wherever he wanted no matter what boundaries we had set at home after he had gotten into trouble, and eventually he started inviting his friends to “party” at the house and his dad even allowed alcohol (we saw his texts confirming so). He literally bought his love with “freedom” and a truck, and eventually convinced him to run away and live with him.
In Alabama he is actually breaking the law because he is a minor at 17 and still supposed to abide by the court order, but at that age, you all know it wouldn’t do any good to forcefully bring him home and the authorities really don’t want to be in the middle of it. We haven’t forced the issue.
Since October of 2013 he has taken a plunge in school, had to attend a truancy meeting because of excessive tardies to school, and skipping/absent over 22 days. He is dating a Junior in college, and has absolutely no parental guidance.
He failed his Junior year and has been given a chance to complete a summer school online course on campus. Meanwhile during the week while he is “attending” his M-Th classes, he stays out all night, posts pics with alcohol and explicit tweets and brags about waking up with his girlfriend etc etc.
Recently, his teachers have called me 3 times to advise he is 30% complete in the course and only has 8 days left. He is arriving two hours late for class and leaving 2-3 hours early and has almost no chance to pass. Without this credit he will have to repeat his Junior year.
Today as I sit here, his father has not responded to my calls, texts, or emails regarding his lack of progress, but still allows him to drive, party, and even have his 20 yr old girlfriend spend the night. He is helping make it possible for our son to be a drop out by 18.
I see my son maybe once a month, and only get a text if he needs something. His father owes 95k in child support/interest has been given a judgement to appear in court by DHR and state attys. He still has not paid anything in a year and we still carry his insurance.
My fear is that like you, I will be shut out completely and not be a part of his young adult/adult life.
I am at a loss for what I should do at this point.
So sorry for the novel, it was just a detailed situation.
Thanks,
Jennifer
Hello, I too have found some solace in reading the posts as I too have an estrangement from my daughter who is 33 with two children. She does not speak with her Dad either. She does not address me with any name when she occasionally text messages, she makes it difficult for me seeing the grandchildren and is rude and aggressive. I am always generous, kind and polite with her by way of cards, emails and texts but for three years she has maintained this heightened sense of animosity that I now think she has mental health struggles going back to when her Dad and I divorced. She displays narcissistic traits. I am more concerned that she may get worse as she is very thin and her husband left her 3 years ago. It was when the husband left that she turned nasty and appallingly cruel to me. I feel so sad for her. I worry so much about her state of mind. How can such a young person be so angry? She would cut me off for dead if I suggested counselling or help. So so sad. I feel your pain too. Life throws curved balls sometimes.
Well….I see I have plenty of company. I don’t normally see that. I see parents having wonderful relationships with their adult children. I have three. My husband of 42yrs died suddenly which broke all our hearts. I’m left with a farm to run. My daughter used to live in the house we bought for her next door. My sister in law and her family moved into my home after my husband died with the idea of helping me but, it turned out to be more difficult that actually helping. My daughter went from being close to me to being close to my sister in law. My daughter began to share her confidences with these other family members and exclude me. It was under the pretext of not wanting to cause me any more worries. I was excluded and marginalized for months before my daughter decided to move with these family members to another state. She told me when she left that she was going to go be with the people who made her happy now. Wow. Talk about how to let someone know how little value a family of origin meant to them. We had a good, happy life. All of us. A military family moving all over and staying tightly knit. I mean, I know not to have unrealistic expectations of adult children…they are busy with their own lives I understand that. But to be cruel…what is that all about and where does it come from? I’d never intentionally hurt my kids by my daughter didn’t hesitate to hurt me. Our relationship is strained. She has married and the rest of the family members on both sides are involved in her life along with hundreds of friends. The depth of my hurt is physically painful. I just don’t understand intentionally hurting someone. My kids weren’t brought up like that. This meanness just broadsided me on top of losing my husband. I’m keeping the farm going with no help from any of the children. I’ll probably sell at some point. Sorry this has been such a missive. I guess I just needed to share the pain with someone who might “get it”.
I understand all to well I’m. I know my son loves me but I believe he wants to live with his dad. I feel so heart broke,dead,lost Empty. I don’t know why he is doing this. I had sole custody as the father only gave support he had to and picked up for most visitations. we provided everything and now they can give him everything. Do you think he’s testing boundaries seeing the other side that he will come back? I’m so afraid and tired of mourning and worrying
My daughter will not have anything to do with me. She is living with my ex husband who is very wealthy and her stepmother. I have made some mistakes in my life but nothing to cause her to hate me the way that she does. I think if anything I loved her too much. It hurts every single day and I feel like my heart is broken. I have 3 other children, boys, and our relationship is good. She is my only daughter and she can’t stand me. How can you live with pain like that?
I am reading all these e-mails and I feel for each and every one of you. I have been discarded by one son and it is very painful. I have another son that I have a very tenuous relationship with and I still see my grandchildren but only twice a year. We didn’t speak for five years. It was his choice not mine. I still have unconditional love for them, but it is always a great bewilderment for me as I never treated my parents that way. I try to be hopeful because it is important to live that way, but I know I must let it go so I can make a better life for myself and not rely on the approval of my sons.
What a godsend this site is. I thought I was the only one. I have read my own story here, over and over again. I may never know “what I did wrong” (I have been told “You know what you did, and until you admit to it I have nothing further to say to you”) and that was 8 years ago, and my son has stuck to it. I guess when the checks stopped the “I love you Mom’s” stopped to. But between my son and my dysfunctional biological family, I feel like my whole life has been wasted. I don’t know what to do. Any of my other successes in life are meaningless when one’s own child hates you. At least that’s how it feels to me. I would give anything, except my self respect, to have a good relationship with my son, but I won’t be his punching bag any longer, and once I said that, it was “game over.” He is through with me and didn’t even tell us he had gotten married. He made sure the rest of the family knew, and it just about killed me to find out “through the grape vine.” I don’t know why he hates me so and apparently I never will. That’s what makes it the hardest of all.
I would change anything I could to have a loving relationship with him – and with my family – but no matter what I do it doesn’t seem possible. I stay away but cry myself to sleep every night. I’m very ill now and I’m sure this emotional distress and depression has contributed greatly to my physical illnesses. I don’t know why I am still alive, really. It was awful before when we were in contact as he was always angry about something I had done, and I mean always (except when he wanted / needed something from me) but I often wonder if that wouldn’t be preferable to the complete and total rejection I experience now.
Sick, isn’t it? I pray to God every night to please ease our suffering and repair our relationship, despite alcoholism and other addictions that run in our educated, professional family, and so far NOTHING changes. I guess I don’t know how to pray or I’m not a good enough person to see positive changes in this lifetime.
But it’s a living death I’m in, and between my son and the rest of my biological family, a real death seems preferable right now. Why I am still alive is beyond me.
Dear God please show me The Way.
This is especially for Deb My daughter has also been a source of frustration and sadness for me almost her entire life. She is the “middle” child of my 3 beautiful daughters. I was a middle child. I tried empathizing, among many other tactics to make her feel special and loved. She balked, refused, and basically turned against me as her childhood slipped past. As I divorced their dad, I had to keep working. She stole a lot of things from our house..they were just things. Her dad encouraged her. She was furious that I sent 2 dozen roses across country on the birth of her child, instead of being there. I was working to support myself and her sisters. I thought I’d “lost” her, so praying to God, I moved on to doing something with what I still had of my life. Long story short – I am now 67 year old, self supportive and thanking God for re-directing me. My daughter- slowly – came back to me with stories to HER daughter about what a brat she had been to me… and “how much alike she & I really are….? “strong women, independent, etc, etc, etc. A few years waiting for your daughter to wake up and smell the roses may not be enough (smiling). The lifetime I waited has given to me increasingly more stories about how HER daughter (now a 16 yr old) and her 20 yr old son, are disrespecting her and HOW did I ever get through it without going crazy? Well, as an older and wiser ARTIST, I found peace in giving it to God, and kept developing MYSELF. I am God’s child, as we all are. And who says I am NOT a little CRAZY? I wear that like a badge of honor and my friends – and now my family LOVE me for it. It will never be a dream family- that’s TV material. May you find peace, and may God hold you in his loving arms. You’ll be in my prayers. BELIEVE THAT!
Never thought I would be in this situation. Since my son met his now fiancée she has worked hard at alienating my son from his family. We were a good family, worked hard, enjoyed each others company and so on.
Now he doesn’t speak to me and he has had a big row with his brother. His dad is the only one he is speaking to. Sadly he has given up a really good career and is totally broke ( he was always the one who was good with money so this is alien to us but she likes to spend on false things – cocktails and dancing come to mind! I love both of these but few can afford this lifestyle on a normal salary .)
I am very scared for the future now.
I’m so glad I’ve found this page.Ive got 6 grown up children and one of my sons decided to have nothing to do with me 5 years ago. I also haven’t seen my grandchildren for this time too. He claims all these feelings and things I did when he was growing up. He has been verberly abusive to me and has cut all his brothers and sisters too. He has just reunited with his biological father and is having a lot to do with him now. It hurts me so much as when he was growing up his biological father never saw him or payed for anything. I still have my other children around me but miss my a strangled son so much.
For six years now I have been tortured by either of my two kids now 18 and 21. It started w the girl at age 15 who blamed me for all her frustrations. Until them we had been very close, did so many things together, had my car and house filled w her friends, they all loved to spend time in our house, we had pizza parties with movies or games. My son was also part of it. I chose to be at home for them over building a career, although I did some work out of the house. They were born here to an American dad, but prior to these 6 years, we lived abroad, then we had to come back. That was when everything went downhill. From the moment I picked them up from school, she entered the car and started attacking me with words and bad mood. To others, she was as sweet as it can be.. At the same time, she was having a hard to e socializing. I had neighbors’ kids coming to the house, they started going out, but then she met a bad crowd during those outings and made friends of her own. She started going out and showing up in the morning. Dad did nothing and I had my ribs broken twice by her trying to keep her in the house. My son was having anxiety, so I was trying to deal with it as well. I knew his sister’s behavior was affecting him as well. I had him going to a psychologist. When he turned 16, dad gave him a brand new car regardless of me saying he wasn’t mature enough. Then another nightmare started. He got into pot, quit senior year, hasn’t graduated and problems aremjusr escalating. My daughter dates a psycho who is waiting trial for animal abuse. He has her in his hands and she has got in trouble with the law doings things for him. To top it off, she was his witness when he took me to court accusing me of stalking because I called his phone looking for my daughter when she didn’t answer hers. The judge simply smashed him, but she was there for HIM. So dad, only after six years is getting on the same page as me, but now they are both over 18 and there is nothing I can do. I cry every day and the only thing that has held up is my faith in God. I love them so much that it hurts. They have put themselves in life threatening situations so many times, I have driven alone through bad neighborhoods looking for them, getting calls that a dealer would kill a kid, not knowing if that was my kid… Now, as I drive at night I have flashes of those nights so vividly and I can’t get over the dread feeling. I can’t sleep wondering where they are, if she is OK, as she has already showed up home with bruises, which she denies being boyfriend’s abuse. I wake up thanking God my son is still asleep and I try not to make noises because as long as he is asleep he is safe..
I have 3 daughters, and my youngest one is so full of hate, and jealousy of her sisters it is unreal. I have had all the ups, and downs of raising three girls, and working. outside of the home, as both my husband, and I worked. About seven years ago my youngest daughter got two of my granddaughters to write letters that I was abusing them, and calling child protective services on me. It is hard to prove that you never did the things that are said about you, because everyone wants to believe 12 and 13 years children. See my youngest child can not have children of her own, so she makes up this plan to get her sister’s kids, which my husband, and I had custody of, at that time. Well she told my grandchildren it would be alright in a couple of months, that everything would be back to normal. Well it didn’t work out like that. My husband, and I made the decision together, that we did not want her in our life not after what she had done to me. Well about 2 year later it came out in court of what she had done, when the children pulled the same thing on her. Well two and a half years ago when my husband passed away, a little bit at a time I let her back into my life, and forgave her. Well my middle daughter lives with me, and has, before her father passed away, this is the one with the two granddaughters. Now my youngest daughter has been spreading lies to her oldest daughter, and keeping my daughter from seeing her grandchildren, and the cycle continues, until, I came home from church to see all the hate and lies, that my youngest posted on my wall on Facebook, calling me Satan spawn and she didn’t want to be the daughter of Satan spawn, and her husband coming on there threatening me, it all blew up just because I didn’t let her know the other granddaughter was in the hospital having my grate grandchild, which we post on Facebook for her to see. I didn’t even get to the hospital till after the baby was born, this was my daughters time to bond, and be with her youngest daughter and her grandchild. So now I made the decision to block her on my Facebook, and now I will live up to the decision that she did not want me for a mother anymore. It hurts to know that a child that you loved, and raised can turn on you like this, I can forgive her, I can not let myself be hurt by her anymore. I just pray to God to help me to get through this, and give me strength, for I will never understand it. If anyone out there is going through any of this I pray that you know that you are not along in something like this, I know that I raised my children better than this, and I did all that I could to teach them values, and respect for others. So I can not tell you what anyone can do differently. So just if you are going through troubles you are not alone, all I can say is protect your heart. God bless you all.
I honestly don’t even know where to begin. My 19yr.old daughter is heading for prison of death. Her behavior really started to change after the death of my father,the illness of my mother & the breakup of her first boyfriend. All of these things happened pretty much over night. I did everything that a parent would do under there circumstances, I got her into counsling, tried to get her involved in church,etc. She ended up into drugs & alcohol & dropped out of school. Now she is in a very volatile relationship & I’m terrified she’s going to end up dead. I’m so exhausted & overwhelmed with all her drama that I have no life of my own what so ever. I’m a single mom & do to disrespect that I deal with on a daily basis I’m moving out of the state I’m in now to another state. I’m so lost & totally feel alone.
wow, I have a 20 year old daughter that wishes I was out of the house and her addict father was in the home. the real truth she wishes it was me with his sickness. He has been in a rehab for almost two years now and I have been the emotional, and financial supporter for our home, that she doesn’t want to be. My husband and I also have a 10 year old daughter that has to put up with the 20 year old that behaves in the same manner as her father. I have lost my patience several times with her Everything she has is at my expense and she has no respect for my house rules and trust me they are not that strict. She has taken my youngest to places that I wouldn’t go and would tell the little not to tell me but to her that is not a lie. She wont move out she doesn’t have a job she associates with the wrong type of people, when she doesn’t get what she wants she yells stomps and acts irrational. She just has no respect for me in my own home. When I say she does nothing I mean nothing. I do not know what to do with her, when I tell her to leave she says no no this is my home but she treats our home like a place to put her head down once a week. I dont know what to do. Her dad says let her go tell her its time move on but she wont. Pain to my heart she trys to break it but I have to be srong with gods will I to can overcome this. I thank god for what he provides and love he has for my family, I just hope one day she can find peace and at the same time move on. The readings from other parents help I feel the pain but one thing is true we have to move on and live for our own happiness. someone told me this isnt a trial run we have one chance and make the best of it nothing is perfect and I guess take the bad with the good. I know good trumps the bad.
It sounds like you all are a bunch of wimps. My son has lied to me, taken advantage of the families kindness and still is silent in his rebuttal. I love my son like no other, but there comes a time when a 22 year old needs to grow up and face life. If I were to die tomorrow what would he do? Where would he go?? Who would give him money to get by?? I have talked with him time and time again but he refuses to listen or even to try to listen. I am ready to leave him at the homeless shelter. There are always two sides to a story, but I have only heard crickets in the background. He was raised by a loving family that never yelled or screamed and probably that was the problem. By next week I will have spent my savings what little I have to put him up in an apartment and my mother (his grandmother) would have given up her car for him to use to get to work and back. I love my son and I know I am doing all the wrong things. What else do we do?? The homeless shelter has a waiting list..reallY?? There is a 7 year waiting list for public housing and a 20 month wait for section 8. He has his car reposed, and the car that his step-dad let him borrow broke down. As much as I love my son I just want him out on his own. What say you all???
Hi! I came across this site as my 25 year old son and I had a disagreement to say the least last night. I was very upset and thought maybe he’d come to his senses. I was 20 when I had him. Left his father when he was less than 2 years old due to domestic violence, was then on my way to one bad relationship after another. After many years of abusive men, my son wanted to go stay with my brother which I allowed because I felt he would be better off than with me. 2 years ago, my daughter passed away due to an accidental overdose. I have tried to for years prior to this event to mend my relationship with my son, he has always said it’s fine, we were fine. I apologized for the way he grew up, things I’d done wrong etc. Now he has told me to leave him alone. My heart hurts and I know there is nothing I can do to change any of this as I feel I already have done everything I can. He has a 7 year old 1/2 brother he does nothing to do with. The last relationship I had was with the youngest one’s dad who passed away 3 years ago. I feel hurt. I have said some of the same things some of you have to your own adult children, yet, none of it has made a difference. Anyone out there please advise. I know, I need to let go. He was 15 when he went to live with my brother. This is almost as hurtful as losing my daughter on her 21st birthday. Thank you and sorry I rambled on so. I love all my children and I don’t know what to make of this.
It seems I am like many of you. I have a beautiful 20 year old daughter that I worked 2-3 jobs for. She has this sweet demeanor but the past 2 years has been miserable. Flunked out of college and found herself in an abusive relationship. At 66 I’d like to retire, but the money I spent on her prevented me from adequately saving for retirement. After months of praying, I was over joyed she had left her boyfriend. To her credit, she has been working consistently for 7 months and told me she is eager to go back to school. We will see. She went back to her boyfriend and her demeanor has changed. When I confronted her about how she changes when she hangs around him and attempted to point out her inconsistencies, she called me stupid and used the f bomb on me. I never talked like this to my mother and am deeply hurt by her words. I realize my situation is no where near those who have written before me , but nonetheless l am wounded by this disrespect and puzzled as to what my next step should be.
It seems everyone is venting which is GREAT. You do feel better after a long vent. But no one is helping or consoling anyone else.
To all of you…I could go on and on and the stories I have would make the hair stand up on the back of your neck. 2 sons (27 and 23 – both not currently contacting me and breaking my heart). But the bottom line is..and many have said it: Most of these kids are adults. You have no business in their lives and they have no business in yours! Unless of course it involves FUN and RECREATION. I am refusing to answer my sons texts because every time I do…it leads to what a bad Mother I am. I see from reading here…I’m not the only “perceived” bad Mom. That’s all it is a perception. I know from the experience of hating my MOM….they eventually grow up. I HATED my mother…she kicked me out at 17. Well, in retrospect she had good reason. It took a very long time for ME to see that SHE wasn’t the bad Mom…I wasn’t the greatest KID. A very long time…I think I was 35. I remember being kicked out and not giving a hoot what my mother cared about and WANTED her to worry about the daughter she put on the streets. While she probably cried herself to sleep everynight. Wasted tears because at the time…I wasn’t caring. So the energy that you have for your LIFE…start doing things for yourself. Look back to when you turned into an adult. Did you care about checking in with your parents? If you were close maybe yes…but most of the people here seem to be in dysfunction as I was. Let them GROW UP. We have to stop giving them SPACE in our heads. BECAUSE WE HAVE NO SPACE in theirs. I think you have to get to the “angry” phase of letting go and it is not easy to get to..it took me 27 years with my oldest. But, maybe by talking or thinking about it…you can get there sooner and spare yourself some stress. THey don’t CARE how WE feel. And until they DO….we shouldn’t sit around wallowing in our sorrow about them. The day will come when a light bulb goes off…and all the stories they make up in their heads about US will be realized to be false. THey may not come by and say they are SORRY…but they will come around. And if they don’t” We have done everything to this point to make their lives good. How about owning that thought instead of all the dark thoughts? I hear you shouldn’t feel guilty unless you have done something WRONG. Example: For years I felt guilty about being an alcoholic. But I DIDNT do anything WRONG. That is who I was. I did the best I could and they know it…they didn’t want for anything (except) my full attention. And that is something that is past and I can’t change. I have made many attempts as you all to make up for anything I was feeling “guilt” about. I don’t need to be “guilted” anymore by 2 people I have done nothing but the best I could for! When you finally realize that your life is your life and theirs is theirs….it is like a ton of bricks being lifted. Its true…they are not going in your grave with you. Will they be there to say goodbye? Who knows? And if they are NOT…that is on them. Imagine living with something like that? How about living NOW…and putting them on the back burner until they are ready to be loving, whole and giving. Instead of taking, belittling and unkind.
Get strong!
Just read comments on this site I too have a daughter now married young family dont know what has happened but never shows emotion to me tells me I’m fussing all the time and that she is nearly forty etc etc . Don’t know what has happened or why she has become this way towards me love her very much and now a nanny love my grandaughter try not to interfere in her life but still feel very sad now no longer close as we once were and dont know why ?
I am desperate my daughter has not spoken to me for 15 months. I do not know what I have done apart from we argued quite a lot and she says I have made her feel bad about herself always.
She will not let me see my grandsons. I have sent her letters, presents etc but she collected the presents and put them in a box and sent them back to me.
She lives 200 miles away. Do I go and hope she will speak to me.
My son stopped talking to me 10 years ago and they are very close now.
Like a lot of mums l practically brought my 3 children up single handed, despite being married to their father for 20 years.
My kids and l did everything together. They enjoyed scouts and cadets and my youngest son and daughter have grown into kind generous considerate adults. My eldest son was always encouraged to follow his dream if becoming an RAF pilot and he still serving officer. He has not spoken to me or his family for 10 long years. No reason has been given, we are simply not part of his life. EVERY Day l think of him and l am battling with depression. If only we knew WHY????
I need advice on how to handle my situation. My husband and my hearts are both breaking. We have two grown children who are both married. When my son married two years ago there was a big fight between the two couples. Quite honestly, the new daughter in law has done everything possible from day one to destroy the relationship between my son and his sister. But sadly, he goes along with everything she says and believes everything she says. my daughter and son in law have done everything possible to make things better. they invite my son’s stepson to do things with their son, take care of him when DIL is sick. there has been no reciprocation – ever. then behind the scenes (we know because we have been told) she constantly talks about how she hates them. My daughter just had a new baby girls (2 1/2 weeks ago) and my son has still not called or stopped by to see the new baby. They completely ignored them on social media. My daughter is so hurt that she says now she is finished with them for good. My heart breaks that we will not be able to celebrate holidays, etc together. My husband and I are both fighting depression over this whole issue. I just keep praying that God will perform a miracle and bring them back together someway. There is so much more in the background, but no way to go into it all. My question is – how can parents cope with the loss of their family being a close, caring unit?
that tiny beautiful bundle which when you looked at sleeping as a new baby would make you feel more love and pain than ever before, who you had so much love for it was painful. is that same child 15- 30 yrs later and it gets no easier. but be grateful of them being in your life no matter what . a mothers love is unconditional
Few things can be as hurtful as having an adult child who is an under achiever largely because of low self-esteem. As a parent I immediately feel that it is my fault, yet those therapists and counselors I speak with constantly reassure me that such is not the case. It is, they say, the result of choices my daughter had made in adult life; she is now 39 years old. So what am I doing what am I doing with my life living as though she is still under my control? Again, I have been told that I have been out of that loop for a long time.
One of the most painful aspects of this for me is that my daughter is an only child. That makes me feel as though my life has gone up into smoke amounting to nothing. For me family was always the most important thing. My daughter did not have to reach the stars to please me, all I ever wanted was a life for her that fell somewhere within the norm.
As a result of her low self-esteem she has forgone her cherished dream of being a mother, she has given up finding a meaningful relationship with a man who could hold up his end of the bargain. On a small salary she largely takes care of him.
I have lost my wife. I am in contact with no family, I am completely alone. My life seems to mean nothing to anyone but myself.. I can’t say that it has meaning for my daughter for if it did she would listen to me and allow me to help her improve her life. But as it is, I am completely shut out, her life is totally with a man who cannot support her and has no education but for up to the Fourth Grade while she is a college graduate.
What went wrong? I don’t know. I feeling that I am living a meaningless existence that I cannot fix no matter what I do—professional achievement, building a new life at my age, they all seem without meaning. I can only honestly conclude for myself that I have done something terribly wrong.
DH…you are in a dark place right now but, everything changes and you will find meaning and light again. It may just not be as you envisioned. You can’t “fix” your daughter’s life…that was an important lesson for me to learn. About all you can do is let go with great love. Always holding her in your heart. Let go of guilt about why she did or didn’t live up to expectations. Expectations are recipes for disappointment. I lost my husband and have little family also. I had to rebuild my life. I thought about what I wanted it to look like if I took out how I had hoped it would look, and then I tried different things to make it better. I find that helping others helps me trite as that may sound. Could you do some volunteer work around things you enjoy? You could them meet others and perhaps form some friendships that will help take your mind of your daughter. You probably need to take some actions like that to fake it until you make it kind of thing. You matter to me DH. I’m pulling for you!
My daughter who will be 21 in December came home last evening to inform me of her intentions to move out the house and move in with her boyfriend of 3 and 1/2 years. She has done so WELL! She is in the nursing program, working at Christ Hopital in her field full time while in school. We have gotten her credit established, she has purchased a car and has a great foundation started; AND still abstaining from sex a virgin at almost 21! NOW, she tells me she is ready to move out and get a place together with the boyfriend. I’m against this and her father and I have asked her to reconsider this. My advise to her, keep saving your money to move out and get your own place. This is killing me and I am having a real hard time with this!!! Any Advice?
Linda, your response brought tears to my eyes. You could have been writing directly to me! And you are definitely right: volunteer work of any kind helps immensely. It’s hard (if not impossible) for me to understand why I can be valuable and of so much use to the children I take care of in the poor communities of Guatemala where I “serve” part of the year, and my own son won’t give me the time of day. I feel like a crazy person, living literally in a time zone of “night and day.”
But just today I was telling myself I have to express “unconditional love” which does not mean accepting ill treatment or abuse (as I did for so many years), but “love him from a distance” and put our relationship in God’s Hands.
I feel so completely and utterly worthless when the one thing I wanted the most, a good and decent relationship with my family and my son wasn’t meant to be, but I have to keep reminding myself that that is THEM, NOT ME.
I keep thinking that one day this will all magically change, and love will once again re-enter my home. Until then, I dwell in far too much darkness and it’s reminders like yours that keep me alive.
Gracias, amiga… and may God show us The Way.
“The winds of grace blow all the time; all we need do is set our sails.”
Amen.
As DH wrote: “What went wrong? I don’t know. I feeling that I am living a meaningless existence that I cannot fix no matter what I do—professional achievement, building a new life at my age, they all seem without meaning. I can only honestly conclude for myself that I have done something terribly wrong.”
That is EXACTLY how I feel; no accomplishment I have ever made (and there have been some) takes the place or has any value after losing my son. It’s like a murder has taken place, but it was my own child that murdered our relationship, and won’t even tell me why.
I understand just how DH feels. I feel the same, and I thank God every day for websites like this where we can share our feelings and experiences without being judged and told it was “somehow our own fault.” I don’t know what to do, but with feelings and ideas shared, maybe we can all find a way to make it through. I’m tired of visiting the cemetery for a burial that never ends.
I need to find a way back into the light, and the love I once shared with my only child. Dear God please show me The Way.
Reading these posts really do seem to help. The knowledge that I am not the only mother with a wayward child gives a small degree of comfort. My daughter is 40 years old and is like all the rest, mean spirited and spiteful. She has divorced herself from me for the past 2 years. Like others she has told me “you know what you did! (I don’t) and until you say you did it deliberately I am not speaking to you!” I suppose she means I hurt her in some way, but deliberately, no I didn’t. I continue to think of her daily and wish that things could be different, but I can’t make that change, only she can. She doesn’t have biological children so in my opinion will never know the pain she has caused me, but she does have an adopted child and one day he will do her just like she has done me! I won’t be glad, but will feel justice will have been served.
I am a single mum (mom) to a 17 yr old son, I had to leave his father when he was 2. I did all the hard work and made all the sacrifices. He saw son weekends, when he did not have something better to do. I chose not to bring lots of men into his life but his father is on to his 3rd prospective wife, not even divorced the last one. The boy has left with no explanation and stays with him. My heart is broken. He still contacts when he needs me to do something. Like others have said, I feel like my life has been a waste. I love him dearly but the disrespect and using me for his gain has to stop. I never wanted to be a mum ( i know that sounds bad but it is the truth, and certainly not a single parent).
I have never had a proper relationship since leaving his dad because I cannot trust, hey if you can’t trust somebody you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with then how can you trust somebody new. I feel I can’t trust my son either.
I hope everybody who has posted has found some comfort one way or another. Keep strong X
To all who have written on this site, I have to say the following:
I know your pain, I know the deep wound because I have experienced it with my 21 year old daughter. I call her a Martian because she is just such a difficult person, but I continue to pray for her and being nice to her, inspite of everything she has put me through since her early teens I show her I love her. I know she loves my cooking so I cook for her, although sometimes I want to be mean, I pray and Jesus always shows me the way. I have her in counseling and I give her love and I am seeing a ray of sunshine. Have faith, pray a lot, develop a close relationship with The Lord and you will see how He can transform lives. There could be peace in the storm if you cast all of your cares on Jesus. I pray that In the mighty name of Jesus your son/daughter will have a change of heart and that you all get the respect and the love you all so rightfully deserve. In the meantime trust the mighty hand of God. Nothing is impossible for Our Lord. Amen.
Hi to all who have had their children turn against them,
In 1984 I had to leave a marriage that I did not understand where it had gone wrong – all I knew was that I was ‘in a distant land’ where no one could help, cause, I didn’t know where I was. (Nervous breakdown) on its way. The final straw was on 19/7/84 when I loaded the 22 rifle and was prepared to blow my brains out because my husband told me “there was no problem with him – WOMAN, it’s all in your head”… so many times I had asked for guidance from him in simple situations.. where-by he claimed ” It’s in YOUR head woman!!!”.
I left, after 22 years of marriage, I moved into a Unit and commenced work again- it took quite some months and I had became the manager of Units, in which I lived, Hosing pathways, mowing grass, whipper snipping around the gardens, all for the sake of cheaper rent. Soon after I had 4 jobs per week at various positions – all to help pay my way in living.
My 3 daughters were ‘kind-of’ sympathetic in the beginning – sadly to report that gradually it became a situation of ‘indifference’ to them and their time with me diminished.
It’s now 2014, and there are 7 Grandchildren, HE remarried a few years after we divorced in 1986
I married in 1997 – which was the time that my beloved youngest girl decided to tell all that I was ‘dead’.
Cutting this short, may I say there is nothing anyone can do to rectify the ‘past’. I have no idea what stopped them from ‘being my daughters’ – I have heard their Father (acting the wounded Man syndrome) has poisoned them against me. I Pray that the Karma we spread with our good hearts, the love we bear in our broken hearts will one day turn around and show them the ‘light’ they have thrown away. Just hope I live long enough to see it happen.
I have read a lot of the previous stories, we all have one thing in common – daughters mainly and sons who turn their heads away from our love, caring and all aspects of what we ‘expected’.
Having had some 16 years since my youngest spoke to me, I can assure you that all the tears, all the worrying, does nothing to improve the situation.
Having tried the visiting and loving approach where-by my children have turned their back on me… having searched my mind, my heart and all the ‘past’, I have come to one conclusion… We, as parents have been ‘judged’, have been diagnosed, have been sentenced… To WHAT.!!! a life time of US feeling guilty for their ‘hang-ups!’ We have had no right of reply for what the kids ‘think’ is wrong!
As much as we LOVE, they have no right to ‘judge’ us as parents until they have, at least, some experience as an ADULT, in an Adult world.
We will approach our world and kids the way we want it… NOT under their ‘thoughtless ways’.
GOD BLESS all Parents .. we have done our best and you kids.. if you don’t like it..ping off, so we can enjoy our latter years without feeling guilty.
AMEN…………….
It’s hard to imagine that the beautiful bundle of love you bring home from the hospital can break your heart years later. I had my heart broken tonight and without going into detail, I feel that all this is happening for a greater good. How else can I become the person I want to be, learning strength through pain and maybe being a comfort to others going through the same thing. We love them, we comfort them, we cherish them and then we let them go and when they break our hearts, why are we the first to blame ourselves? Or wonder what we did wrong? As hard as it is to fathom, life does go on. I will go on, I will be strong, I will not let this heartbreaking loss determine my future. I am too important. God loves me too much. I have more life to live. Each day is a gift. I’m not going to waste one single day. Many blessings to each and every one of you who are going through heart break and pain. Please be strong. Love yourself. You are not alone in this.
Parental Alienation Syndrome is what I believe Im dealing with. My son is now 17 years old and a high profile football star. You name it every college wants him. My son hasn’t spoke to me and my family in 3 years. His father is in violation of court order. What do I do? My heart is broken. I just had a stroke 3 weeks ago from stress. Everyone has turned against me. His school wont even speak to me knowing there is a court order. I love him so much but he hates me.. sometimes I wish I would just die in my sleep because it hurts so much.
My son called me today to ask me for money … again. He does not work a steady job and neither does his wife, but I am the one he always calls when they need help. I don’t know WHERE the money comes from…so this time I asked to see a bank statement only to validate what he was telling me. He refused…said you don’t ask a broke person for their financials. But he told me he as 10K in the bank, so why does he need money from me? When I say no, he tells me to FXXK Off and never call him again. It hurts so bad when he does this, but I’m trying to set boundaries for him not to take advantage of me over and over again.
I am an English mum of two children , thank goodness I found this site. my daughter has been so nasty to us . this week we visited her in England having travelled from Cyprus in the Middle East . on our last night with her, she announced she was off out. left us alone. came home to a huge arguement when we corrected our grandson on his rude behaviour. She totally ignored us from that point. Noteven making eye contact. The next day we left the house mid afternoon, no offer of breakfast, lunch. No drinks, no acknowledgement from her. We got a taxi to the bus station then made our 20 hour journey home. my husband was in tears the whole journey.
She also put her two fingers up to me in an abusive way.
We have supported her financially for the past year and paid for her divorvce. I am in total shock, I actually want to say I hate her. i cannot stop crying. Why do parents have this awful treatment ?. My thoughts are with all the parents here, strength to us all.
Having read your messages, you are all in my prayers tonight. As are my children, and your children. i don’t know what I did to deserve lack of respect from not only my daughter , but also my son. The visit back to England was actually made as I was missing them so much, that I thought we should return there for our retirement, to be close to the children.
my heart feels heavy after many many years of misery hearing about my daughter and her marital problems. strange, we seldom heard of the happy times, she kept those to herself !.
Let’s support each other , parents united .
So as my name suggests I now find myself on both sides of the fence… Allow me to explain in as few words as possible… My childhood was pretty crummy but I guess better than some… Parents split, was messy, they hated each other and we were in the middle. I at one time or another hated both still do now… I put myself in care at 14… Kinda been messed up my entire life it seems. Mistake after mistake and I am stubborn.
I now have kids… I have just split with my now ex… My daughter is 5 very confused I can see it in her face and she hates me and doesn’t want to come see me, like she is scared of me… I did row with her mum but we were both just as bad… Her mum shouts at them all on a daily basis… I stick up for them and now I am the monster she doesn’t want to come and see…
I have not seen my mum or dad or any family in 10 years… I kinda get the pain I caused now… I see it as like a broken record. Life repeating itself… I hurt people and now I am the one to be hurt…
But its been so long… There is nothing there for me… I cant go back… Too late… I cant face it… Espcially now that my own life is in tatters… My own beautiful baby hating and scared of me… I feel i will get a serves you right!
Probably true… I dunno… As someone that hurt their parents I cant explain it… just 1 year rolls into the next, then another and another and now 10 years… I hope my daughter can love me… But if not I will always love her… I can just always see her face now when I asked if she wanted to come see me and she said no…
What can I do… I told her its okay and she doesnt have to and that I am always here if she does want me… I hope one day she can forgive me… I think the only difference with my parents is they dont seem to see they did anything wrong… I know I have… I know I have making up to do. Just hope I can… Life without her is no life… So sad… Im so tired of this… Just everything goes wrong in my life… Seems I can never be at peace… Sorry to write so much.
I was married for 15 years and stayed at home with my two children when they were small and worked a couple nights a week waiting tables to help out financially. When they started school, I took college courses during those hours for three days of the the week, was there to fetch them from school, still kept the home up and worked two or three nights a week.
When their father and I divorced we saw a mediator and promised to keep things nice. He had become very successful in his work during the course of our marriage and makes a large six digit salary. He gave very little support so I worked days when the kids we’re at school and days and nights when they stayed with him. I always maintained a schedule that allowed mme to be with them after school, for dinner and to bring them to school.
When my daughter left for college, that support was cut in half. I could no longer afford to live in a house. My son and I moved into an RV. He was with his dad one week and me the other week etc. But the space was so small and finding a place where we could live in the rv where it is legal and there are. proper hook ups forced me to have to ke. ep the rv in another city. Now. my son is more with his father than me.
His father is remarried now and he and his wife are very wealthy. They take both children on long international trips. They have their own rooms with their own bathrooms and office spaces. I still am in an rv, waiting tables, bartending and arranging my schedule so that I can at least still bring my son to all his after school activities and try to make is so that on the one week now a month that he is with me that I work as lttle as possible so as to be there evenings for him…this is so difficult financially. I paid what the scholarship did not pay for for my daughters first two years of college, I have no health or dental coverage because both jobs are part time and it is necessary that to have my son be with me after school with me on his one week with me that I am there to pick him up because the rv is 30 minutes south.
More and more he wants to stay with his dad. I understand, of course. And his sister is now living there too as she has switched colleges. Every night I know they are all dining together and playing piano or violin and doing homework and I have nothing but a car that always needs repairing, a 40 year old rv and slaving between two part time jobs.
My heart is breaking but it is not their fault. I lay awake so many nights wondering how it came to this.
Vonnie – I agree with your sentiments.