Many people who have come to this page are looking for answers to the problem of family estrangement. I’m 
excited to be able to offer an brand new resource. For my book, Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them, I interviewed hundreds of people in estrangements, including those who have successfully reconciled. The book is filled with compelling stories, concrete advice, and strategies and tips for healing family rifts. I hope you find it helpful!
In an earlier post, one of the Legacy Project elders shared her mixed feelings about having children. Loraine,89 , talked about accepting both the joy and the pain children can bring. She stated: “If you don’t have children now, when you have them you will have these moments. When you look at them and your heart – it’s like your heart takes all the pain and all the love for them that you have.”
We just received a comment on that post from one of our readers, who would like your advice:
What about when your children are disappointments? I would like to hear how parents handle situations when their most loved children are cause for a broken heart? Comments please!
We asked some experts for their advice, which you can find here.
Please note that the comments thread on this post is now closed.
Dear brothers & sisters, I am crying in silence now because my heart is broken too. I raised my daughter and son alone because my husband was robbed and killed when they were 12 and 9 years old. It was really hard time because socialism collapsed in my country and we citizens were on food vouchers. I was working so hard and raised them without knowing what poverty is it. Even though I sent my daughter to foreign college for 4 years which turned to 6 years, I was wearing same shoe for many years to cover all her expenses, including her rented apartment as she did not like campus and she did not earn a cent. Now she is 38 and divorced has 3 kids and blaming me for being a bad mother. If things are not done her way she becomes demanding and disrespectful. She says i did not kiss or did not call her “my daughter” but only called by her name. Of course I did kiss her and did call her my daughter but I was working so hard and I came home always late, so tired and exhausted and I admit it was rare. Daughter hates me because she says I cared about my son more which is nonsense. I lived my life for them and It feels like she stabbed to my back. Thank God my son never blamed me. He is supportive. Unless I would jump out of my balcony.
After reading all comments posted in here, I made a decision to exclude her from my will and live my life finally. I Pray God to build a bridge between us but I will always keep healthy distance for not being too close to get hurt again.
Well it’s now been two years sence my kids have been manipulated enough to kick me out if their lives. It’s been the most difficult pain I’ve ever been through. I’ll never understand how or why my ex wife thrives so much on destroying my whole life by using my kids against me and telling awful lies about me. My daughter’s are now 15 and 16 and they have no desire to even speak to me let alone see me. I’ve put myself in counseling just to learn to get past the hurt that constantly rips my soul apart. I know I’ll never see them again, and I know I’ll never get over it, but I have to find a way to move on and to try and ive my life. I love my kids more then anything, but I know it’s over but my pain and scars are forever! Shame on anyone that does this to the other parent. It’s horribly hurtful. …. God bless…
Wow, oh your stories have really helped me. I feel I was alone. I stayed married for 23 years because I did not want my kids to have divorced parents. Problem is my verbally and emotionally husband taught my kids very well how to disrespect me. I finally did get a divorce, put myself through school paid off my ex-husband‘s bills, I had a house built so my kids had somewhere to come home to. I paid for my daughter‘s wedding while her father got to walk her down the aisle.
I have no relationship with my kids, seldom see my daughters kids and never talk to my son and daughter-in-law and their kids. I had to break it off with my son because he would cuss me out in front of his kids and wife and I didn’t even know what the topic was. I really think he’s toxic to be around.
When I was a young mother my kids were my life and I did my best. Their father was an alcoholic and pothead and I tried very hard to keep the kids in counseling, have them go to the best schools, keep them in sports and music and do their homework all the while their dad would verbally abuse me and put the kids done. I’ve gone to much counseling and built a healthy life and fun life for myself. But my kids say I am selfish and self-centered because I have become self-sufficient and happy. Although they don’t know how many nights I cry Because the one thing I want is a relationship with them and my grandkids. At least I’m not the kind of mother that I have to ask them for financial support or lean on them emotionally. I don’t know where to go from here
You cant choose your parents but you cant choose your kids either. I came upon this because of a guest at our dinner party.
She severed ties with her parents because they didnt go to all her games and moved to much for her fathers job. I could not believe she said that and i was curious about how many more entitled,spoiled and ungratefull people have broken their parents heart.
I was raised in orphange and foster homes. I was abused starved and at 11 forced into prostitution. I did run and ask for help but it was turned around on me and i was a liar and i should be gratefull.
I ran when i was 18 to the USA. Got a visa due to the child trafficking and i worked,went to school met a amazing husband to be. We have 2 kids 26 and 29 we have amazing relantionshipsv with them and their spouses and our 1 grandchild so far.
I never had a i love you,a birthday,toys,christmas a hug untill my husband. I only knew fear and rejection. Nobody was on my side and i never could or will be able to call my mom or dad. I never had the privilge of a bedtime story or knowing that i was loved. I would trade 5 years of my life for 1 day of having parents and to utter the words mom,dad.
Bad people exsist in this world those people have parents. It is not your fault,if no abuse was present you have nothing to apologize for. Im so sorry this is hurting all of you so much but try and live your life,spend some of your hardearned money on you not on ingrates. My heart goes out to all of you. Stay strong and please no more blaming yourself. You are all in my prayers.
I lost custody of my eldest daughter about 30 years ago due only to the fact that my ex-in-laws were very rich & had the judge “in their pocket”. Now that she’s an adult, she moved herself, husband, & my grandchildren a 17 hour drive away (near my ex who was abusive to me and to her). They wonder why I can’t “get over it”. My heart of a mother was & is broken…all because of money and a corrupt family relations judge in Fairfield County, Ohio. After 10 years in court his final ruling for them was “because they are retired and can spend more time with her”. The ex-in-laws did have 30 years to brainwash her. At least she knows I love her…with my fractured heart.
Although I am well educated and prepared for a career, I chose to stay home and be a full time mom…all I wanted was a happy family. I know I was a good Mom. I know it. I never in a million years would have ever dreamed my son, now 31, would totally reject me and my family following my ex-husbands divorcing me. History has totally been re-written. I am actually lucky in that my daughter is still very close (35). I grieve every day, but I choose to not let it define me. I know I have done everything in my power to stop this, but I can only control myself. Faith.
Dear Larry, may 11,
I know how badly your heart is ripped to pieces and I can only say that your daughters are still at a very emotional and turbulent time in life, works in progress. Their emotions and ways of thinking about you and everything else today will change rapidly as they continue to develop. What they think and feel today may be totally different as they grow. As much as it hurts, if you can be there for them and not give up yet, time may prove to be on your side. As they mature, so will their opinions about you. They will really on their own thoughts and not be so influenced by others when making judgements about others. Hang in there.
I don’t even know how I got to this place in my life. My parents were not very nice. Life was hard, so I did everything opposite of what they did. I have 2 married sons. One lives in another state and I have no problems with him or his wife. My son who lives near by is married to a woman who suffers from mental illness. Her father has it, her brother has it and her mom has OCD and the entire family is helpless. They have been married for 15 years now. The chaos never ends. One battle after another and you really don’t see it coming. It certainly did contribute to me getting divorced because I was always the subject of her objections. I could never do anything right. My son told me she was intimidated by the closeness of our family and so she strived to divide. They had twins almost 9 months ago. She didn’t want to be pregnant, he wanted a baby. She hated everything about all of it. The babies came early, but were healthy. I gave her a beautiful baby shower, not good enough though. I stayed overnight for 3 months so that they could sleep until I got sick from taking so much Alieve for my severe back condition. At that point there was a nanny in place that worked until 4 and I arrived at 4. I stayed until the babies were fed, bathed and put down for the night. My DIL never took care of these babies. Post Pardum? who knows. If she had it, it started years before the pregnancy. The nanny yelled at me several times telling me that me and my ex didn’t belong there. we wern’t the parents. I told my son and dil but they said just ignore her. Then the nanny told me that my dil was tired of people telling her what to do. I didn’t understand because I never told her what to do. I did tell my son only and he shared it with his wife. Well, that was the end of it for me. The dil stopped working, kept the nanny and kicked me to the curb like trash. I haven’t seen the babies in over 21/2 months. I always told my ex that I knew this day would come and it did. My son called my a liar and I asked him why, when I was so happy helping, would I ever make up such a story? You see, when she got angry at me she wouldn’t let me hold the babies. She was mean and I was just in shock I guess. I have learned that no good deed goes unpunished. I raised my sons and I have never lied to them and they know that. It almost feels like a death. I am seeking counseling and under my doctor’s care. I now know what a real broken heart is.
I have the same sadness in my life as many others here. I have 3 grown children. I was a stay at home mom for many years, never missed a game, play, concert, or any activity. The family attended church on Sundays and youth group on Wednesday nights. We paid for all of our kids to attend college and for lovely weddings for the 2 that are married. We devoted our lives to raising kind, responsible, educated, God-loving children.
Out of the 3, I only have a close relationship with one child–my middle. My oldest is 40, single, and distant with everyone. The youngest, my daughter, was so close to me growing up. We had the most wonderful relationship. She has grown distant over the past 7 years, especially since she married. When she wants a favor, she’ll call, but almost never otherwise. It is very painful to me. My health has declined over the past few years, and never a call to see how I am. It really hurts that my child doesn’t really care. My older boy definitely has some mental health, personality issues, so I have come to accept my nearly non-existent relationship with him. (After YEARS of heartbreak). Having my daughter going down the same route is hurting even more. I do try to have my own life–but sometimes I can’t help the way I feel. It just hurts. I feel like telling them how I feel, but I know my son will only push further away and my daughter will act resentful. My husband tries to ignore the whole thing, somehow believing that that will make me feel better. Nope.
Well, there it is. I am grateful that my middle son cares deeply for us. He does not understand his sibling either.
Just needed to say it and get on with it, I guess.
Thanks for listening.
CB
My DIL and son treat my husband and I like garbage. My DIL has not said hello to me in 10 years, doesn’t thank me for gifts. I don’t care about that. I care that I have a 5 year old granddaughter who truly loves us and it makes my DIL angry that she loves us. My son defends his wife and constantly fights with me over my granddaughter. My DIL mother has the baby 3 times a weeks with sleepovers. I see the baby 1 a month. My heart is broken, my son is a weak man and enables her to do this to us. Should I walk away? I am also enabling him by allowing him to treat us this way, I am ashamed of myself for allowing this to continue.
Broken and Betsey,
You have made me feel 100% better today. I have three girls and the two oldest blame me for divorce, etc. I told them two days ago that I never want to see them again. They are toxic. By the way, I had three forms of cancer and neither one of them called or came near me during that time. I am in remission and doing quite well. I do not plan to live the remainder of my life feeling guilty, babysitting around the clock and dealing with garbage. I cannot do it any longer. Your posts were extremely helpful to me.
Eileen
Thank you for the kind words you wrote on May 11, 2018 Ann…it really touched my heart that someone outside this terrible nightmare who is not going through this is so thoughtful because we are all going through the most unimaginable event ever! It’s like our children whom I would die for and might because of this, have suddenly died, only it is worse to know that they are not dead, but choosing to not speak to us. For us it was a complete and total shock that he gave up his entire life over ….?? we’re not even sure the reason. My once caring, loving, sensible compassionate mother-loving, family-loving son is gone… it’s like aliens took his soul. Sounds dramatic but true. I feel like my life is over. Yet I have so much more to give in this life. I’m sorry you went through what you did, you didn’t deserve that. I’ll be your mom…lol. Perhaps you should write an open letter to all of these “adult” children who are killing their parents slowly. I am on a Yahoo group abandonedparents for this very thing and there are a lot of grieving parents who would looooong to hear what you have just said. Thank you…
Becky your letter says it perfectly thank you very much
It’s been two years since my daughter changed from a family first to no family after marrying a really nasty man. The good thing is that she was raised with every advantage so she can financially take care of herself no matter what happens in her marriage. The bad thing is that she chose to dump her family and become someone who values only money and status. It still hurts but the pain does numb after awhile.
Perhaps the most confusing thing is to find out one day that your child has changed dramatically from what you have always known. They become a stranger to you overnight.
It does get better (never good or great) with time. I live with my choices in life as my child will have to live with hers. We were able to influence her during her growing years. Her co-workers and friends were able to influence her to a greater extent then her family could. But that was her choice. I knew we were in trouble during a party I helped throw for her boyfriend. The conversation was all about investments, travel to exotic places and the newest luxury cars they had purchased. A group of friends trying to one up each other by their wealth. We are by no means poor but I truly enjoy companionship not competition with my friends and family. My daughter- not so much.
Eileen- Hi! I’m glad youre doing well, and I’m glad my words helped. I dont know whats happening with our adult kids these days…one day they’re the apple of our eye…the next, they hate us, and feel entitled to blame us for everything. Its like, “Who are these people that used to be my sweet kids?” Right? All I know is that IF we want these adult brats in our lives..we have to first try and sit down and calmly discuss issues. No arguing..no finger pointing..no egos…just listening, with love. Accept their “better half” if that’s an issue- no ifs, ands or buts! If that’s not possible, then step away. Tell them you love them, and as hard as it is, don’t contact them. Hopefully, what my beautiful, loving 87 yr old mother has always said will come true, “This too…shall pass”.
Dear Becky, Jan30th. – “Advice To My Broken Heart”- Awesome words.. I agree with you 100%….and dont ever doubt that you were and are a great mom! I hope things are going better for you….wish you were my next door neighbour. xo =)
After reading all the comments above, I am so saddened that they are so many parents like myself who are hurting. My son, who is 36 years old had a baby boy last year. I have a difficult relationship with my son already, because he holds grudges. If I say something he doesn’t like, he just stops talking to me for months at a time. I never know what he is mad about. his time I made a big mistake. It was my grandsons first birthday, and I completely forgot to call him. I actually thought it was two days later. I know it was a big mistake and I apologized but he said never to call again. We were going to the baby’s birthday party this weekend , but he said not to come. I know I made a mistake, but is there no room for forgiveness? Heartbroken that I raised such a son who is using his son this way.
I am really thankful that I ran across this site.I can truely resonate with all of your stories here. My heart goes out to all of you. I have 4 adult children we have always been close since the divorce . Their father hasnt been in the picture and I’ve been their rock for so many years. My oldest daughter is 27 and got married last year to a wonderful man .They both went to college and have degrees .I am so happy and proud for them they seemed to be doing well.Busy of cpurse with their careers I see them less and less, we only live 25 miles away from one another. My daughter sometimes does responds to my texts so I do not push she always checks in with me when she can. I miss her❤. I have adult twin daughters who are 26yrs old who havent made the best decisions . They both turned to drugs and alcohol after the divorce to medicate the pain they were feeling and unfortunley this has been going on for 9 years now. One twin is a mother and has a 5 yr old daughter which I watch while she works at night as a waitress. The childs father isnt around much and would rather play golf go to the bar instead of see his child or pay child support. But my daughter is independent and does the best she can .I love her❤Pray the drugs and alcohol stop. The other twin lived with me recently after sever fails relationships . Alcohol consumes her live it breaks my heart.She also is a waitress . She met a guy that was just released from prison needless to say our relationship has been strained I barley see her and she doesnt check in. She is making bad decisions and it breaks my heart.I love her ❤.my son is 25 and has a good job and a gf with a good job they been together 5 years. My sons never been much on texting. Or calling . Ive noticed we dont communicate for almost a month. Im usually the one reaching out. I miss him.I love him ❤. I feel needy sometimes when I text any of my children . They all seem to either not respond. Or take all day to respond when you know they stayed glued to their friends and social media. It just makes me feel like they dont care and its hurts. Somtimes just hearing thier voice or getting a text would be so appreciated. More and more I realize they are living their own lives and being more distant. My.mistake Ive made in my life was that I felt I had to be there for all of them those painful years after divorce. The roles have changed and alot of time has past . I was so busy living my life through them that I didnt make a life for myself. All I do is work go home and watch my grandchild . I really like the above post A Pray for the Broken Hearted I think by Becky.It really opened my eyes to what I need to do now.I need to take care of me I havent done tha tand I need to learn how to do that. I’ll always love my children and I want them to be proud of me and not feel sorry for me . Thanks again everyone !
My two daughters are 37 and 39. I raised them alone since they were 8 and 10. They have been shown love, support, family, Christianity, and more their entire lives. I helped put them through college. Now one is a VP of a Fortune 500 company in NYC, and one is a PHD Pharmacist. This year they both blocked my number on their phones. I haven’t seen my youngest in 8 months. It’s truly like I went to bed and woke up with Aliens on the phone. I have cried, prayed, gotten advice from Pastors to psychiatrists. Simple truth is: I didn’t do anything wrong. And like someone else said, there is not ONE thing I can do to change their behavior. I still text or email to let them know I love them with all my heart. The best advice I ever go was from Psalms; “Be still, and know that I am God “ so that’s what I do. I’m trusting Him, and waiting. And thank Him for the work He is going to do in their hearts.
Katrina…..I am in the same boat only my 20 year old daughter just left for her 3rd year of college. I thought it was bad the first year, but it’s only gotten worse. She wants nothing to do with me and if she cares about me no one would ever know it. She is a perfect little angel for her boyfriend, her friends and her boyfriends family. I have been diagnosed with several different cancers and health issues over the last 2 years and she shows absolutely no care or compassion whatsoever. My 23 year old son on the other hand is a polar opposite. We go out to eat and talk and he genuinely cares about my health. After my husband and I dropped her off at school this year I felt different. I left like feeling there was nothing left between us. The emotional pain she has put me through has made me physically ill and she knows it. I am no longer going to allow her to do this to me and I’m going to make serious changes in how I react to her for my own sake. I’ve had enemies treat me better. I’m going to let her go and I’m going to pray very hard that she matures and decides to have a healthy relationship with me.
I have a 21 year old daughter and 2 granddaughters that I love more than life. She lives with me and my husband and we have done everything we could and more for her. When she got pregnant with the first baby, she was still in high school. They had a program where tutors would come out to the house when she was on maternity so she wouldn’t fall behind and could still graduate with her class. I worked with all of her teachers and my daughter to make sure she stayed on track. When my granddaughter was two weeks old we had a bad fight and she left with the baby and moved in with the baby’s father. She never let her tutors know what happened and she was missing all of her work. Fast forward to a year later, she was back home living with us. She started putting her hands on me during fights. I told her the next time she did it I was going to hand her “butt” to her. Well, she did it again and it ended up in a pretty serious fight between two of us in my house. She had me arrested for simple assault. We had court a week later and she pursued the charges. I had to hire an attorney and go back to court to fight the charges. She ended up dropping everything because the boyfriend kicked her out yet again and she needed to come back home.
Fast forward another year, she moves in with baby daddy again, has another baby, they break up she moves back home. See the pattern here? My husband and I continue to provide a loving home for her and my two granddaughters and all she does is continue to disrespect us and our house. I ask very little of her. Only to clean up after herself and her two children and to do their own laundry. We don’t ask her for any money.
She ended up getting a “job” at night at a club. My husband and I watched the kids so she can make some money to support herself and her two children. Found out she was a stripper. I put an end to watching the kids and now I’m the bad guy because I took away her “job”. No, I just ended her party life that she so desperately wants to have. I gave her a months notice that I was stopping to give her enough time to find a real job with consistent income. When I reminded her that last night was the LAST NIGHT I was watching the children she called me a dumb bi*ch and some other not so nice names and told me that she was done with me. I constantly sit her and shake my head trying to figure out where I went wrong. My husband is at the end of his rope and quick frankly so am I. I so desperately want her to leave, but the only thing that is preventing me kick her out are those two children. My husband, myself and our house is their only stability. Our grandchildren mean the world to us and I knew we mean the world to them. The four year old sees and watches all of the fighting that goes on in my house and it’s not good for her. There is so much more to tell…if I only had the space and time to do so………
My sister is 17, almost 18. My mom owns a small business and my sister works with her in a high position. My mom always makes sure that my sisters reputation stays good in front of her co-workers. My sister however, has been lying and making promises to my mom but breaking them instantly. My mom has done everything for her, she let her go to a very expensive private college to study music so she could pursue her dreams, even though my mom doesn’t have the money for the cost/equipment she needs, she got a loan out all to make her happy, she also gave her complete trust because she felt she deserved it from the way she acted.
A year ago, my mom found out that my sister had been sharing personal info with her co-worker about my mom. This resulted in a big fight/conversation regarding how its inappropriate for her to be talking about my moms personal life, especially with her employees. My sister promised she’d never do it again, and said she understood.
Recently my mom found out she betrayed her trust in that regard again by sharing everything with her co-worker, and making fun of my mom behind her back in a very disrespectful way. While, she was acting in front of her as if she is keeping her promise. She also discussed very sensitive issues with this co-worker about my brother and I, and when asked if she told them anything, swore that she did not.
My mom counts on this employee a great deal, when she is out of town she leaves her to run the business. So its very important that my mom’s reputation doesn’t get tarnished in front of her/anyone else at her work, and my sister understands that but she still went ahead and did it anyways.
When my mom was traveling she told her employees it was because my dad wasn’t feeling well, she said this because she didn’t want them to be in her business about the real reason she’s traveling, which she has every right to do. She shared this info with my sister, and in the same instant, she went and talked to her co-worker, laughing about it, saying “I can’t believe my mom told you my dad’s sick, he’s not sick, haha” “She’s so stupid” and so on. She also has many messages written about my mom, all with info that my mom specially asked her not to share.
She also learned that she was lying about school, faking an internship, and failing all her classes last term. My mom travel internationally for the summer in order for her to take this “fake” internship, knowing that my mom didn’t feel comfortable leaving her business for that time. But because she expressed it was important to her, my mom did it. She gave her the ultimate trust, and my sister completely took it for granted. She shows no remorse whatsoever for what she has done. She used my mom’s kindness and trust to her own selfish gain, and only traveled so she could spend time with her friends/mess around. My mom doesn’t want to kick her out/cut her off, but she is devastated and feels deceived.
What do you think my sister/mom can do to make this right? What can my sister do to make this up to my mom, and how can she restore her reputation and her business since she did everything to tarnish it.
She has been forgiven for random shit so many times, and always promises to change, but doesn’t. So the simplest way to put it, she’s a two faced sneaky unappreciative selfish brat. She says she wants to make it up to her, but she doesn’t know how to. So if you were in either of their places, what would you do?
my heart is broken i will be 70 soon and my son will not come to visit me, its been over 15 years, he lives in germany, please dear god heart my pray , this is so terrible,
I am a single parent mom despite my husband being there. I spent 32 years of my life in giving my son the best. He was educated abroad and is now a doctor. He was very close to me though he was away from home studying. Suddenly he decided to break all ties with me quoting the most unreasonable excuses. He completely cut me out from his.life. He is all I have in life but he lives on the other side of the world from me and has blocked me on the telephone and social resources. I travelled 29 hrs by flight to see him and reason with him but he did not let me enter his house. What can I do as life without him is tearing me apart?
Why does it bother us so much? Why does it hurt so bad? Why do we find it so hard to move on. I find myself asking myself that question more & more lately. It doesn’t seem normal or sane. Yet it is our life at the moment. It’s just naturally easier for the child to separate from the parent without tears. We know that! So why can’t we accept it! Why do I need meds & counseling to deal with the estrangement from my son but he just needs to “spread his wings & grow”?
Is it fair for me to want him to love me the same as I love him? Is that even possible? I don’t know. But I wish it was true. I wish he hurt as much as I hurt. I wish I knew why he doesn’t.
What is wrong with us?
STOP DOING WHAT DOES NOT WORK…..JUST STOP IT.
YOU ARE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO LET GO WHETHER YOU ” LIKE IT OR NOT”‘ Those kids will come an find you in their own good time….yep it happened to me too!
Get used to it and dam well stay out of it for your own mental healh…..it is not your job to parent them anyway…..you have already been given that message and badly behaved parent/brats…….should be parented too. show the role model. Ummm….tough love time…….. they are the parents now….NOT YOU ! t TOUGH LOVE TIME….GET YOURSELF THE HELL OUT OF IT…..AND JUST DON’T GO THERE….. and for god’s sake don’t indulge their excuses…..look all excuses are good, even valid, but they never make anyone strong. time for a bit of reality therapy……um…but who for….accept that first, you are part of the problem….not the solution. My heart goes out to you…….get yourself the hell out of it, an the eviction notice that goes with it……want to really make some change….if you have the guts…call child protection on a parent who cannot protect, provide for and your own storty. And stop being a sook about it…. they need some shock therapy……wake them up to parenthood…..your call will be anon anyway……get some guts and stick up for your grandkids for god’s sake do something about it.
Sad today as most days recently. I raised my 38-year-old son since the age of five with opposition from his father and new wife. They had visitation, but it was difficult to get child support. I taught school and made personal sacrifices so that my son could have everything I didn’t have growing up. He was diagnosed with ADHD and took medicine in order to succeed through middle school until high school graduation. For space’s sake, I will skip much here, but will say that now that he has married and has two sons of his own, everything I do or say seems to piss him off to a degree of emotionally abusive behavior that gets worse every time he has an outburst. The last time was last Wednesday when I went to pick up the two-year-old because he couldn’t go to daycare running a temperature. He started in on me because the day prior I had turned up the thermostat on the HVAC system because I was also sick and a little chilly. He didn’t like that because he said the house is poorly insulated and the system couldn’t cool the house down quickly enough to rest well at night. I told him that I was there watching the baby the day before and I had gotten cold and had no choice but to turn up the temp. I really don’t know what was said next because of the shock afterward. He screamed at me in front of the baby using the f word and cursing over seemingly nothing. He left for work, but before he did, I told him I was ashamed of him and that he needed help. The thing that hurt me the most is that he talked that way to me in front of my grandson. I am heartbroken that he would behave that way in front of his son. My grandson and I are very close because I have kept him since he was newborn as daycare since the parents both work. I have recently quit because I just cannot physically manage two children being in my 60’s. I pay the biggest chunk of the daycare because they cannot afford it, and I feel guilty because I can no longer babysit. In the past he has cut me off emotionally for two months on end, and I never know why or when it is coming. I am tempted to change the will to leave everything to my two grandsons. I never thought when he was little that he would be this way. I am not without fault, and I have surely made some mistakes, but I don’t know what specifically he hates about me. It’s making me depressed, and I find it hard to go about my normal day-to-day routine. Sometimes I literally want to just die because he is and always has been my world. My husband who has been his step-father since he was 15 has no answers and just says my son’s always been this way since he’s known him and has always taken every unpleasantry in his life out on me.
Forgottengoldfish, I loved your comment. I have found that I am also in a situation that I never believed I would be in. You give your children all of you because you love them so deeply and believe you will have a life with them, then come to find out they are so focused on themself that you feel you could be dying in the street and they would step right over you. I had to finally say we need a long break and please dont call because these once in a blue moon calls, where we only pretend things are okay, for 5 minutes only makes me feel worse in the end. I had a bad accident and now am disabled and it still means nothing. It may one day, but I may be gone by then!
To Zabeen
I know your pain. It is time for You now. Take all that love, all that caring, all that consideration that you lavished on yoir son all these years and give All of it to you now. Reallity is, He owes you nothing and that is what he is giving you. Your son is ungrateful, unloving, cold and mean. Son or not this is not the kind of person you want in your life. You have done enough for him. It is time for you. He has been very clear that he does not appreciate you for who you are. Parents need to listen and respond in kind not insist their offspring is something other than who they show us they are. Disappointing? Yes but we dont choose for them, they get to. You get to choose to deal with the reality that they are horrible human beings that would throw you under the bus in a heart beat if it meant their gain. Cut ties make him. Make him apologize in order to be a part of your life. Forgiveness is important for you. Let Go! Trust me, he will only bring more pain in your life, if he never comes to repent his actions toward you. You are his mother for Gods sake. Be strong you can do this. Be happy in spite of his cruel behaviour and be a better person for you.
Your son might have met someone who has told him to break it off with you. Let him have his life and go on with yours, PLEASE! Don’t travel to the ends of the earth to try to reason with unreasonable. It’s beneath you. You did a good job, he’s a doctor and hopefully successful. Now is your time. Wash your hands. This generation seems to have developed their own mindset and feel that their parents are no longer useful for them, except when they need money. So close the bank, accept what is, and don’t think about them except for the happy times before they went bonkers.
Hello To All,
I want to say there a time when you has to accepted it time to move on with your own life. It’s painful but also we learned many valuable lessons about love and abuse. Abuse sure never be accepted as love, if your children made a choice to down grade you as a person then say good-bye BABY. Parent always sure be very important and if you’re aren’t be directed and bold. I understand the grief of all on this site, I once was so weak and confuse that I begin to ? my parenting. There was nothing but pure love and supported I gave to my children. I have this saying your kids sure never come before you. The reason I use these words, cause you’re the leader, if you put the army before the leader, the army will destroy the leader cause they want nothing but control. I will ask all to take back your life, happiness and live. I know my heart was broken and I just put all back together for peace and harmony. Bless all the broken hearts.
Be Happy and do you. It hurts but learn to take that hurt in turn into something positive.
Well I won’t go into detail but I am a devastated weary person to say the least. My youngest daughter committed suicide-horrifc marriage-my oldest daughter stopped speaking to me five years ago because I would not move to the state she lives in and help her with her three children. I visited as much as I could afford, and paid for her to visit me, but it was just not enough for her. One day with no excuse no explanation she blocked me from her life and my three grandsons. I have desperately tried to contact them to no avail. She abandoned me and her little sister. Now she has turned to alcohol, was close with me and adored me and I adore her. I was blessed to have such a great daughter after everything. Recently she got into the wrong crowd of people…these are bad people with no values… and I am shocked that she is hanging out with people like this … and she has turned on me and against me. I have stood by her, given to her, loved her and anything at all that I say is wrong. If I say “good morning it is beautiful weather’ she is rude and mean and angry. I even began just agreeing with everything because I felt that maybe everything I was saying was wrong and perhaps I was the one who was wrong in every comment even if I agreed on everything it was still wrong in her opinion. I am devastated. I left out the details. I blame no one. I use to blame myself continually. It is easy to do that. I just want to disconnect from them. I grieve daily. My life was my children. I want to stop loving them and forget them.
As a Mom who raised someone who became a violent nasty alcoholic just like every male on my side of the family, I understand your pain. After sacrificing my goals and happiness so he could have a nice life, I resent the hell out of him and cannot believe I was dumb enough to be talked into having a kid. After 18 years of aggravation, but still enough mutual love/humor from him to make it all worth while, my son took up drinking and a relationship with a controlling, passive aggressive woman. After a night of becoming physically abusive with her and myself, I no longer want anything to do with him. I have never received an apology. I even tried reaching out to him after three years and nothing.
Everything I sacrificed for him was a complete waste of my life and my money.
I will no longer forgive him, and frankly you do not have to forgive your ingrate either. They both suck. Frankly, Moms do all the work and get blamed or judged no matter what we do.
All I can hope for is that he does not hurt anyone or hurt himself.
If you want someone to care about, there are plenty of young people who need help or who have lost there own parents. After foregoing my own educational goals, I went back to school. Now I have plenty of surrogate kids who love me who I can shower with affection.
Love people who want to be loved, not ones who could care less about you just because they are blood.
My heart too has been broken in dealing with my 33yrs old son. Both his Dad and I have bent over backwards to support he,his partner and 3yr old son who my husband and I adore. Not for the first time has he ordered us to leave his house! I haven’t seen him this week no txts no calls certainly no apologies.For three years since our grandson was born we have twice a week looked after him twice a week twelve hours a day,I have cleaned,ironed and baby sat and now once again I have suffered an avalanche of Verble abuse all because my son’s partner and my husband had a something or nothing disagreement which may I say my husband apologised twice! Right now they have cut us off and aren’t speaking to us…I can just about deal with my son and his partner not speaking to us but not to see our Grandson the little boy we have taken care of for three years is crucifying us.
How can they do this to us? We ask ourselves that but only the child can answer it and to them, their answer is The Reason. It can be rooted in resentment that still rankles in their immature minds, still feeling like a child when they are with you or around you or it could be their resentment is rooted in truth. They felt controlled, unloved, a prop for your ego, abused, neglected, resented, or about a 100 other reasons that only a psychiatrist can uncover. It could be that you take too much energy to be in their lives and their emotional quotient is filled with by their partner, kids, and friends. Every reason if valid, if not fair, every emotion you feel is valid, too. It sucks, it sucks the life out of the parent who devoted their lives to the child only to be cast aside as unwanted and unneeded. And in the end, there is no answer or remedy. Only acceptance. You have to find your own life and really, the big thing, you have to cut them out of your thoughts and life. Pack their clothes, make their room a guest room or an office. Become a substitute parent to any needy person that crosses your life. Sometimes those without parents are the best kids to the rejected parent. If you feel you have to have kids and grandkids in your life, believe me, there are tons of needy orphans that are millennial age and can be the best comfort in your old age. You need to find something to fill the empty space they left. You have to live. you may never know why they cut you out, but you have to accept that they have, and realize, you are still a person, with a life to live and one that can live it fully. Imagine what you would be doing if that kid had never been born. Erase their number from your phone, pack up their photos if that causes you pain. Make your life one that counts. Because no one is going to do that for you. Especially your kid. You are worth the air you breathe. Fill that space, make your own life. After a while of pretending you are ok, you will be.
I have had this happen to me also – I spoiled my youngest – loved her to bits – did everything possible to make her life wonderful – university too – had a luxury apartment off campus/her own fine wheels – none of it did anything to make her a better person – spoiled & selfish – now I have discovered my faults – I did this because I was unloved unwanted had no more than the bare necessities and I wanted my children to have all the advantages – I now have discovered she has mental illness – she has drove me over the bend with stretches of not contacting me delete – sooo it is ‘a sign of the times’ – no natural affection for those they should have respect & love for – the payback for them is a shortened lifespan and unhappiness to the umth degree – that is their lot in life unless they find their way back to honoring their parents – update – my daughter has 2 daughters – I used to pray she would have a couple of ‘darlin’s just like her. well well well here they are and she is pulling her long beautiful hair out with her long manicured nails and her hubbie …well I hope he doesn’t just get burned out used up and spit out – her father and I have – we pray for better times now! Love All our Children …all five of them to the max
omg…. this was so helpful! It was brutally real and I felt the salt in my own wounds, open wide by my daughters treatment of me. I had no idea others were going through this too. I cry everyday for my grandchildren, who I miss so so much. But I did nothing to deserve this. I have been ever so giving and apologetic to no avail. I dedicated my life to her for thirty two years and now she cuts me down at every chance. The frequent “mental beatings” I get must stop. I can’t stand it anymore. She dangles the kids above me and makes me beg,and then says no, you can’t see them today. I don’t know how or why she does this. It has been going on for a couple of years now and the time has come for me to stop it. There are other things she is doing in her life that I think are making her unhappy and she takes it out on me. Since reading these post, I know what I must do. CUT HER OUT OF MY LIFE
My 20 yr old daughter has recently moved to another states.not far from me .45mins an has been hell on wheels since..she has no respect for.me..my house (when she comes to visit) or her grandmother. Her grandmother had a small surgery an I expected her to be there to help me.(she does not work or attend school)..she never even came home that night..stating her friends needed her more..Granted I wasn’t home every Christmas morning ..but I also wasn’t at a bar or being on drugs..I was a single mother with two children working any hours I CLD to keep food on the table..I never dated alot an I sure didn’t bring men home because I didn’t want my girls to think that was ok..
I never hit my girls..nor was I unreasonable with them..yes I was “involved” in there life ..I expected passwords an did random cell phone checks if I felt I needed to..I did it to keep an eye on them..to.make sure they were safe..not to invade there privacy..my daughter’s dad is an alcoholic an I only had one rule..he had to be sober when he visited or no visit..so he basically was never around to help or back me up in parenting..
Now my daughter barely speaks to me ..saids..she loves me as a mom..but doesn’t “like me as a person”..we fight because I do expect a certain loyalty to her famy..an a certain degree of respect for me as her mother..but it just seems like she has turned everything in her life around to be my fault..an I don’t understand why or how..I miss my daughter..my part is in half..but o can’t stand the constant disrespect..HELP..
Wow, I found this site kinda looking for an answer and I never realized so many are going through this. Mine is with my daughter 38. She completely hates me. I to my knowledge have not done anything wrong, with the exception of barking back when she says the most horrible things I ever heard. I think maybe the generation? If there is no valid reason like abuse,etc it is confusing. I’m broken hearted, but what some say I have to agree. If you have done a you can, like me, you have to let it go. For your own sanity. I miss my grandkids, all 9. But to stay sane I have to say goodbye and hope one day it will change. I will have trouble trusting her again. What life I do have left I need to live. Good luck to all going through this. I wish I could wave avwand and make it all hoid for us all. It is most hard now during the Holidays. Love to you all.
The one thing I see that many of these posts have in common, is the “I gave and I gave and I gave” factor in the relationships.
I too was a giver. Monetary, child care for grands, holidays… did it all. Never wanted to bog down or burnden my stepdaughter while she was working and going through break up after breakup. I have never “liked” her, but lived her, and wanted to “do the right thing”, as she is my step daughter…My husband and I always tried to maintain stability for our young grand girls. Now she’s remarried kids are not needing a sitter….She is “all done” with me. So easily cast aside. I could have never done this to one who had “done so much” for me. But I think all that I did is actually at the bottom of her resentment towards me. For example, my “Martha Stewart Xmas” as she called it, possibly made her feel that I thought she wasn’t enough? That I was judging her? That she was incapable…??? Who knows. I think it’s wrong of her. Thankfully, I have many loving and supportive friends, and sisters and brothers. My husband is also awesome. Being busy helps. But I feel used. As much as I have “tolerated” from her for 20 years, she has a 0 tolerance level for my imperfections. Oh well, none of us are perfect people. I try to give folks the benefit of the doubt…It’s all just gross to me.
Ocealata- Wish you lived near me..we could go for coffee! Im in exactly the same boat as you..my daughter is 35. She’s cut me out of her life 3 times.. Ive never been abusive..Ive given my heart and soul to her. I love her, but Ive had enough. I refuse to be bullied by anyone, let alone my own daughter. This time I told her- she knows where I live and my number..if she wants to talk like an adult, be respectful and resolve things, Im here. Its only been 2 months..last time it was 5 years…
My daughter blames me for everything ,I was a single mom of two and I truly lived my life for them and done the best I could..
She has talked some things about me that isn’t true ,for instance she and I were on her car and it was the day of her wedding shower that o had practically paid for and she gets a call and answers it and it’s on Bluetooth so I can hear and her son to be mother in law said. Are you nervous anout your mom being there and out of surprise I was devastated and confused and later on they go to visit in kaws and don’t invite me but in ites another family mber. So for some reason our relationship was bad before I even met them. Now she is pregnant and my heart is so sad cause I thought I would be so close to her and a part of this but she acts like she doesn’t care at all
OMG! I thought I was in this alone. I’m so sorry for u people out there. My only living son has cursed me , trashed me, and WHY I have no clue. His father was became a drunken loser and stupidly I stayed with him thinking things would get better. I re married a man that loves me and protects me. My son, now 28, has always gotten any thing he wants. And I do mean everything! Cars, .u name it! And I admit, I helped spoil him. Thinking that I could make up for all the abuse mental and physical that his drunken, coke snorting skirt chasing sorry excuse for a “father”. His grandparents esp his grandmother has spent in excess of 80 grand paying him out of tickets, paying his car insurance , a d so much more b.s.! I tried my best to tell her it’s ruining him, but she absolutely would not listen to me. To keep peace, I kept my mouth shut. He was a mouthy teen, I made the horrible mistake of trying to raise him and not let his step father help. Trying to keep this brief.. But I can’t. My 28 yr old has cursed me so many times, lied to me and has tried to hit me. Anyhow, he still depends on my elderly mother to pay his rent! I’m taking control of that situation btw. He and girlfriend have a 8 month old child. He told me 4 months ago to never touch his baby, he does not want me in the child’s life at all. I obliged him and have it ties. But it hurts so bad. I am a good mother. I’m a good wife. I maybe could understand him had I not been there for him growing up, or if I was a drunk, drug user or spent time in prison. I was there for him and worked my butt of to supply his every need and I did go over board, I loved him so very much.. Of course, I will always love him. I just don’t understand. To those of u out there that have been “abandoned ” by ur own flesh and blood.. I send hugs and prayers
Ocealata your comment especially as well as all the others could be mine. I too have a turning middle aged adult child who I have felt since her early adolescence did not love or respect my husband or I. I have tried everything to change this and clung to the hope all these years (mainly to keep seeing my grandkids) that it would work out. I have sought counseling and it has helped to unload the painful feelings of loss, loneliness and bewilderment and it helped me cope somewhat so I recommend it to anyone in this situation.
In the end the only answer may be the hardest one to accept – to let it all go and live your life. I wish anyone dealing this strength, hope and peace, especially through the holiday season. You are not alone.
My father was a terrible father. He was mean and emotional abusive. He made life miserable for our family. I have 3 brothers that I am estranged from due to growing up in such a dysfunctional home and no other relatives that I am in contact with. He passed away 20 years ago and my mother 10 years ago. My eldest daughter is now 30 and is having a baby and tells me she is naming the baby girl “Raya”. My dad’s name was Ray. I told her I wish she would pick another name because this one is too close to my dads name and it doesn’t bring good feelings to me. She said she didn’t even think of her grandpa. She had forgotten it was even his name. I don’t know why hurts more. That she has no idea who my dad is, that she doesn’t care how this name makes me feel or that she cares so little about my feelings…
Tract… July 31, 2015 I wish I could give you a hug. Where ever you are I think in the bottom of my heart. Love, Laura laurastuff1984@yahoo.com
I believe when you have been very good parents and grandparents and your married son or daughter find fault with everything you do it could also be their spouse is complaining about you. Watch you boundaries and do not over due trying to see all of them or contact them. Sometimes you have to love them from afar. Send Christmas cards and Birthday cards to them even if they do not send you one. I said cards and gifts! Have a great day and pray to God to bring your families closer together and let God do his magic on them.
Hi my son is 27 being a single mom his father passed away when he wa 1month,i ve raised him on my own,2014 ive found a good man we got married move out of my place leave my son wth a house and everything and he was wrking but each and everylast week of the month hes asking for money for transport and im also buying clothes and food sometimes but his wrking,he has a daughter now im also suppoting his daughter,this year he was not wrking i am the one whose doing everything for him,but resently he sends me sms telling me tht his thinking of committing suicide blahblah aand i went to see him he was very rude telling me he wants to sell my house and buy a car the nect job he is going to do it requires him to hv a car,i didnt agree wth him he swear at me ive calledmy uncles to come so tht we can go and talk to him he did the same thing infront of my uncles telling us to leave he has nothing to say to us we are annoying him and i mst not wrry about him frm now on his going to take care of himself i must go and live my fancy life life wth my so called husband and he hates me tht i mst know,within 20 minutes he sent an sms apologising i didnt respond,the second day send another 1 apologising i dnt want to talk to him,the person i saw when we get there was not the son tht ive raised im even scared of him,the way he was swearingat me is un forgivable its not easy to let him go but ihv too,its too much for me i cant take it anymore,ive jst put everything in gods hands
I have wrote before about the abandonment from my adult son. It has been over six years now. His birthday is on the 18th December and he will be 32. I have been through a lot in those six years. Five years ago my bowel perforated and I had life saving surgery. When I awoke and in the most horrific pain, had a colostomy bag and worse of all that even the knowledge his mother was undergoing surgery to save her life he didn’t care. He never came and in fact hoped I would die. I have tortured myself through the years endured two further surgeries due to complications from the first whilst grieving for the loss of my son. My son who wants nothing to do with any of my side of the family even his only brother I have to accept has made a choice in life that I am not in it. I gave my children everything and was very soft, never stood up for myself. Before I was very ill I wanted to end my life and when I came to the brink of losing it I was shown that had I have done that the only people who would have missed my loss would be my older son and beautiful grachdaughters. I feel very disappointed that my son has no compassion or love for me or his extended family. I will always love my son but not what he has become.