"Children Who Break Your Heart": A Reader Asks for Your Advice

Many people who have come to this page are looking for answers to the problem of family estrangement. I’m excited to be able to offer an brand new resource. For my book, Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them, I interviewed hundreds of people in estrangements, including those who have successfully reconciled. The book is filled with compelling stories, concrete advice, and strategies and tips for healing family rifts. I hope you find it helpful!

In an earlier post, one of the Legacy Project elders shared her mixed feelings about having children. Loraine,89 , talked about accepting both the joy and the pain children can bring. She stated: “If you don’t have children now, when you have them you will have these moments.  When you look at them and your heart – it’s like your heart takes all the pain and all the love for them that you have.”

We just received a comment on that post from one of our readers, who would like your advice:

What about when your children are disappointments? I would like to hear how parents handle situations when their most loved children are cause for a broken heart? Comments please!

We asked some experts for their advice, which you can find here.

Please note that the comments thread on this post is now closed.

883 thoughts on “"Children Who Break Your Heart": A Reader Asks for Your Advice

  1. I am so sorry to all of you, I wish I could say this isn’t happening to me but I can’t. Yes, it’s the most hurtful thing ever, I can’t imagine Ever treating my parents the way I have been treated and believe me I’ve done my fair share of crying and feeling sorry for myself.
    All I can say to you all as one writer said she does is pray, prayer does work but in his time- keep yourself busy, get a dog, animals are awesome, love you no matter what! (I have 4) start walking, so many beautiful things to see plus it will make you feel better. If your parents are still alive spent as much time as you can with them. Volunteer, best feeling in the world helping others.
    My prayer is hoping my son comes around and sees the big picture. We won’t last forever, time seems to be going faster the older I get (58). But until he does I’m going to hand my hurts over to God and live.
    God Bless you all, keep looking up and Merry Christmas!

  2. My daughter’s father is a recovering alcoholic. He was abuse to be in every sense. I was an uneducated wife of an alcoholic. I loved my daughter with all my heart and soul. I protected her in every way. In her college years, I could see her change. She began to stray from my love. She hates I raised her Catholic. She is raising her children the opposite I raised her. She told me she is not raising her children around people who are not motivated or made anything of themselves. She is a Harvard graduate and married into money. She turned toward her father. She has betrayed me twice. She severed her ties with me and my family. The family that raised her. There are many details to my story. I never thought she would hurt me as much has she did. When I think there is nothing more she can do to hurt me…..well, I am wrong. I had to go to the eye doctor because I had hemorrhages in my right eye. I love my grandchildren with all my heart but they are not allowed to breath the air I breath nor my family’s. I need help to cope with such pain. She lies and exaggerates. I gave them their down payment for their home. I gifted her with all I had before In became disabled. She told the counselor horrible things about me and my family, most of them were untrue and exaggerated. She said I am the only person she cannot get along with.. I am telling my story “soft”. She is evil to me. I can no longer cope with the hate she has for me. How do I live the rest of my life with so much pain, sorrow and heartbreak.

  3. I finally told my oldest son what is breaking my heart. He only calls me when his in laws need money,lies to me.tells me horrible stories that are happening to him, which again are all lies.now he wants to move in with me,when I am so afraid of his behavior and drinking problem.
    I do feel like letting him go!

  4. Dear Forgotten Goldfish,

    I don’t know if you are like me and check in on this thread every so often but I had to say that your thoughts really helped me.

    You are absolutely right….sometimes people change and they just don’t change back. A similar situation happened to my daughter and I. Although I know there were some things we both did wrong, the amazing foundation we laid over 15 years should have been able to weather the storms of a rebellious teen.

    We live in a ghost town too but are moving away so I am hoping it will help.

    This forum has given me comfort and your post especially. It is very helpful to know we are not alone.

  5. I just want to … need to .. say that all the articles and books I have read assume the parent is at fault and should do the apologizing, be the “bigger person” … yada … yada … when, in reality it was the adult ‘child’ who chose to estrange. I am not speaking of situations where abuse occurred. I am speaking of most parents who did their best, loved their child and gave it their all. Then their adult ‘child’ decided to estrange them with either no reason given or some silly nonesense such as ‘you missed that one event’ (nevermind the fact that you may have been severely ill). But you get the point. The truth is that many many of us do not deserve the hand we were dealt by our children/child and ARE/were good parents. Sometimes it is due to alienation by the spouse; sometimes it is just this ADULT ‘child’ who wanted a perfect parent or has other issues and they are blaming the parent. At the end of the day, I have forgiven many times over many people and things and I do not understand this and never will. Oh and I tried it all and she just does not care … this has been the hardest thing in my life … that the daughter whom I still love just does not care and knows how much pain I have been in for over six years!

  6. I came across this thread, I don’t know if anyone can offer some advice.
    My children are young and unfortunately have had a rough few years, last year being the worst, but always had a loving home and knew I would do anything for them… My children haven’t had much contact with there dad after the divorce due to emotional abuse from him and his family (advised by lawyer) my sons 11 & 9 would regularly use myself and there sisters (13 & 4) as a punch bag, make our days hell, so we couldn’t even venture out the flat, kick off until the early hours of the morning, break things, say unspeakable things. I envolved every professional person I could and found one of them has a problem that he’s now getting help for. The other (11) was just copying. I had no choice but to go to there dad for help, this unfortunately meant my son (11) never came back, is refusing to talk to me, refusing to see his siblings because of his hatred for me, I’m absolutely heartbroken, I’m really struggling with everything in my life right now. I’ve tried given him space, have told him how much I love and miss him, have seeked advice to get him back with no luck, the medical professionals can’t help me feel better as they say it’s all things that couldn’t of been helped and there’s nothing more they can suggest. My last contact with him was aggressive and violent on his part, but he’s my son, I can’t switch off my love for him. Can anyone offer some advice? As I’ve literally tried everything

  7. To Emma,
    You should not switch off your love for your son. His aggressive and violent behavior has affected you and his siblings. He is with his father who hopefully has not been mentally or physically abusive to him. I would try to open the lines of communication with your former husband. Find out if your son’s behavior has improved. If your son’s behavior has not improved, you and your former husband together should seek professional help. If your son is adjusting well with his father consider letting your son continue living with his father.

  8. I adopted my daughter when she was 10. I went across the ocean to an European country from the US. I can’t even describe the conditions I found in that orphanage. Other – older children told me they got physically abused on a regular basis. I left part of my heart there with those children. I wanted to adopt 2 but they rushed me through the adoption process and I didn’t really have a chance. There were many bureaucratic complications and I was by myself and helpless in that country. We had a wonderful and very close relationship with my daughter, there were ups and downs, but I had always found a way to break through to her and if she did anything wrong and I brought it up to her sne would apologize. Until she turned 16. Then everything changed. She tells me she wants to go back to her home country. The way she describes her life over there before the adoption is like it was a paradise! I know this is not true. She blames me for “disrupting” her perfect life over there and bringing her here, to USA. She was given excellent opportunities here but she chooses to sabotage almost every opportunity she is being given by us, her parents. She betrayed my trust many times. After one major betrayal I felt like my heart was broken. I suffered from broken heart syndrome- I literally nearly died and ended up passing out from grief and having a seizure. I was diagnosed with PTSD. I lost my job and not able to get a new one so far because I am so severely depressed. My daughter stopped saying “sorry” and doesn’t seem to care that I am sick. She is turning 17 soon, she will be 18 soon. I catch myself wishing she is 18 already and leaves our house because I can’t stand being around her. We are paying $$$ for her therapist. I am not able to get a good therapist myself because it is out of pocket and I am not working. My daughter clearly showing RAD- reactive attachment disorder. But she wasn’t showing it before, she was really attached to me. I am so completely confused and devastated. I thought she had a mental illness and thought that medications can help but a psychiatrist evaluated her and said she is fine and does not need any medication. That made me feel even worse, what is it then? Why did she turn on me when all I did was love her and be there for her?

  9. I also have two children that have alienated me. My youngest daughter who is about to turn 21 and my son who is 18. My daughter became angry with me when I would not pay for her tuition at an overpriced cosmetology school that was the Dallas area. We have a great cosmetology school in our town with a tuition price that is 1/3 the amount of where she went. She sent me an ugly text to me last summer blaming me for all her troubles and that she didn’t want anything to do with me any more. My son has blamed me for not taking his side in a dispute with my wife (his step mom). He didn’t follow some very simple rules like keeping your room clean. He was told of the consequences of he didn’t do his chores and paid the price for it after repeatedly refusing to. He left to live with his mother and has recently broken ties with me. I don’t believe apologizing for doing the right thing is best for these kids. To me that would be accepting and rewarding bad behavior. I’m a Christian man and look for God’s guidance. I have yet to read scripture that says to apologize no matter if you are right. Scripture actually calls us to discipline our children just as God disciplines us. My heart is broken and torn. Instead of accepting bad behavior and apologizing for what is right I’m going to give this to God and let Him handle it in His timeframe.

  10. Reading all these personal stories helps me know this is so widespread. I already knew but even though I’m sorry so many are hurting, it helps to know we are not alone. Our grandchildren therefore probably know other kids who are no longer allowed to see their own grandparents. My husband and I had a great relationship with our kids until they got married, then it was good for a few years, then slowly severed, but not before they used us to babysit so often we got very close to our grandchildren. If we thought our grandkids did not want to see us that would help, but it is not the case. More so, our kids insist on a sterile get-together 3 times a year for holidays. We have no idea why. During those times our grandchildren are not allowed to have a private conversation with my husband or me, they are instructed to play outside or go to another room. It is so hurtful we can barely get through it and only do it for the sake of actually seeing our kids and grandkids. At the same time our kids on many weekends are with their in-laws.. I’m happy the grandkids still have their other grandparents but always the question is why? We don’t smoke, drink, don’t use drugs. We serve nutritious healthy snacks and food. We never stop by their house unless we are invited. We have lots of kid friendly things to do. We used to get together often, had a great time and laughed a lot. And then it stopped. They all live within a few minutes. It’s a mystery except it’s obviously selfish, controlling and immature. It started with one of our kids and the other two followed in cutting us off so there is some weird contagious factor in this behavior…So!..We no longer have a goal of trying to see our grandkids, like another lady wrote, we’ve had to find other interests, walking, riding bikes, getting away, etc. We’ve been going through this for over 10 years. When we used to be close to our kids it never occurred to us our time with our kids and grandkids was temporarily. Since then some of the grandkids are old enough to touch base and tell us they fondly remember the times we had together, they remember when it stopped and have no idea why. One thing I know, I love my kids, but God is a just God and I pray the consequences of their actions of dishonoring their parents will not be severe, and that they will realize sooner rather than later this wrong they are committing, even though we cannot get this time back. Initially we sought help from counselors and our pastor who all said this will pass quickly. It didn’t. In fact now our pastor and his wife are experiencing the same thing. Years ago we had our will written for our funds to be dispersed equally to our children someday. However, we decided we do not want them as beneficiaries since there is no longer a relationship. We have changed the instructions to leave anything we have to our grandchildren, along with letters telling of the times we asked to spend time with them. They need to know we did not reject them. Thankfully I kept journals through the years they were too young to remember. Money can’t make up for anything as far as the grandkids go, but we aren’t leaving money to people who want nothing to do with us. In the past few years I’ve realized when I was very young my parents moved so far away it was impossible for my grandparents on either side to know my siblings or me. Is this an every other generation control issue? Good grief! Anyway, Give your troubles to the One who cares. He never intended for us to make these problems our responsibility. He wants us to trust Him. He loves our kids and grandkids more than we do. Tell other people your story. You’ll be surprised how many are in the same situation, and you can be an encouragement to them.

  11. To Emma, it’s possible your son is showing anger at you although it is misplaced anger. That happens because he can only be angry at someone he know will love him no matter what. He probably is sure his mom lives him unconditionally, therefore you’re a target for his anger. I’m sorry for that, but you are likely a safe zone for him to work that out. He knows who loves him. He has noone else to vent with. If he can understand that tell him that’s ok, but he can’t be disrespectful and of course not physical. Tell him his feelings are valid and he can talk to you, but respectfully. One good way to teach him that is to talk to him respectfully which maybe you are. He’s going to test you. Stay calm and firm. I wish I hadn’t taken it personally when my kids/teens had attitudes! They’re kids.

  12. Emma, and everyone that has opened up on this blog, Thank you. keep reaching out to your son, you sound like you are doing everything to let him know you are there for him.

  13. I have 3 boys. I guess I should say men lol. Their ages are 21,19 and 16. Went through a nasty divorce 9yrs ago. We were married 14yrs. I was the one who filed. So I feel like they have always blamed me for breaking the family up. My ex and I did not get along at all. (things have been good for the past few yrs). The woman he had an affair with, he is now married to her. I was a stay at home mom til the divorce. I handled the divorce badly. I should’ve been there more for them and not dwelled in my own sadness and depression. During my divorce my grandmother died, and a cousin. I ended up drinking a lot, got a dui and lost custody of my kids. It took me a couple of years to accept my divorce and everything. I stopped drinking and have tried to repair my life for me and my kids. Yes I did see my kids every other wknd and have always kept in touch with them. It breaks my heart that I can’t get back the years that I should’ve had custody. Now 2 of them are adults and I hardly ever hear from them. My 16 never seems like he wants to come around. I love my boys with all my heart and I know they love me. They of course have a close relationship with their dad and stepmother and do things with them all the time. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I feel like I’m forgotten. Like I don’t exist. And it breaks my heart. I don’t wanna lose my connection with them.

  14. I have been following this thread via email shortly after it began in 2013 and have commented in the past regarding my own personal experience. I find reading the stories of others who are dealing with estrangement and the support of commenters to be touching and illuminating.

    In case anyone has missed the excellent information posted in the original article hyperlink I highly recommend you read it. Look for …. “We asked some experts for their advice, which you can find HERE.” Click “here” and you’ll find advice from Cornell University and an author of a book that you may want to consider reading. I hope this helps someone.

  15. Parents speak different languages than their kids so they never seem to understand each other. The parent experiences their kid’s childhood as an adult but the kid doesn’t get that perspective. The kids remember how it felt. To me it seems more pronounced, but not exclusively, in what appears to be religious people. You may raise your child in your religion but as we all know that’s no guarantee they’ll believe so when they grow up and don’t believe they don’t have or agree with the context of the parents religion to explain the parents behavior. I think the most obvious example if, Spare the rod. You may invoke a holy book but if they don’t believe in that book they’ve stripped away your reasoning and defense for what you did. It gets compounded when your child has kids of their own. If they disagree with your religion and they disagree with how you raised them based on that religion you may be viewed as a potential contagion and they’ll isolate their kids to avoid exposure. They’re trying to save and protect their kids from what they viewed as something that they didn’t agree with and that damaged them. Also, deeply religious people estrange from kids they don’t agree with with some regularity. Gay kids are very often thrown or driven out of the house and end up on the streets when their religious or otherwise parents discover the truth about them. Some religions mourn the death of a child when they marry outside the faith. In both of these instances the religious communities that the parents exist in agree with and support the parents decision to estrange. No abuse, physical or otherwise, no neglect physical or otherwise, just deeply held religious beliefs.

  16. Naranon saved my life.
    By working the 12 step program for ME, my daughter is being healed–all on her own.
    If your child or loved one is involved in drugs–I urge you to seek a local chapter of Naranon, at the very least you will find support and strength. At the very best you will emerge a new person.
    It worked for me.
    Laura

  17. I have 3 young adult kids and my relation ship with my kids has always been taxed do to my divorce from there mom when they where young. But my daughter who I was some what the closest to through the years is out right horrible to me and her mother and brothers. If you read Proverbs 30 verse 11 it fits her to a T. She sent me a horrid email the other day after I told her to read the periodical son do to her being very angry about me giving her brothers each New PlayStation. Regardless of the fact of me giving here thousands of dollars worth of stuff from a $2300 flat screen TV to all kinds of stuff and paying for her first apartment to boot. She told me she dose not care about me or her son who is almost 2 or any one ell’s for that matter she is going to be focused on her self and what makes her happy no one ells matters. I don’t understand what can make some one this way. She kept me from being at my grandsons birth she kept me from his first birthday she told me she would let me see my grandson for his first Halloween in his costume but then never showed up or would answer her phone. She has over and over agene told me she was going to come by but never shows up and never apologizes about any thing she dose and she gets mad if I say any thing and will bash me to no end. I live with a totally broken heart and now she loves to use my grandson against me any she can and even my x-wife her mother. So what am I doing wrong all I do is give and love and get knifed over and over agene??

  18. I too have my troubles, my adult married daughter is upset with me because, Christmas Day she gave her daughter a gift from her dead grandfather, my X , well I felt hurt, because, you see he was a drug user since I was eight months pregnant with her, and in the 20 years of marriage, I gave him many chances, but it only got worse, he was dealing, so I divorced him, my mistake, I tried to tell he was kind and loving, but he wasn’t, all those years he put me through hell, my daughter seem to think that I am the bad person here, she has told some outlandish stories about me, and now she and my granddaughter have texting e like crazy, and say I need to fix this, and I need to apologize, shame on me for getting hurt, that it’s not all about me, my prayers are with all of you, God knows are hearts, keep praying, His prayers do miracles, In God’s ❤️

  19. I have 1 daughter who is 37 married with the most beautiful and loving 5 yr old little girl.
    My daughter has spent her life before my crul and heartless with me, while my mother was alive there was nothing she would not believe at face value from my daughter, my mother enabled this behavior yet she never saw that my daughter was manipulating her mother into thinking that her cruelty with me was justified. My mom has passed but the cruelty endured
    My granddaughter and I are very close because we are very similar we both wear our hearts on our sleeve. My daughter has now become blinded and Obsessed with keeping my granddaughter on a strict track me schedule she has also filed for divorce behind me son in laws back. She is claiming mental abuse which is not true, my son in law is a good husband!
    My daughter went to a therapist and has them believe that he is abusive but she is the abuser both to him and myself.
    My daughter is narcissistic, selfish and cold hearted. My husband and I purchased a townhouse when she was expecting and paid in full, it under her name, mine and my husband but she has my poor son in law sleeping on the couch and she told my granddaughter that there would be no more family holidays anymore because daddy had to go!
    I think my son in law is a great father and I feel he should have coustody but I’m afraid to get involved because of her!!!! Help! What should I do?

  20. I think most of us can relate that our family gave us a sense of purpose, responsibility and shared destiny. When you find yourself discarded- your purpose in life is questioned, the responsibility that you believed you owed your child and their responsibility to you is somehow gone. Your destiny is forever altered.

    What to do, what to do? So many layers of grief and confusion to navigate. At this point in estrangement I have started to fight back. My worst enemy is myself. I have felt worthless.

    I am trying to train my mind. When I feel worthless, unloved and discarded I push those thoughts out of my mind. When I remember the good times that are no longer there I remember that there are good times in the here and now. Not the destiny I envisioned, but I will never be younger, healthier or my vibrant tomorrow than I am today. Neither will my husband, my other relatives, friends or my dogs. So now is the time to appreciate them. And yes- I am confronted with the fact that they are not good enough. Because I want more. I want my old life back. And that is never coming back. So I need to want different, appreciate different and find joy in today. I need to make today good enough. It’s hard. It’s training your mind to do something it never dreamed possible- to live a life in which your child or children do not care for you but to still live your life as if you have something- anything to offer this world.

    So for me- a year and a half into this I am fighting back against self pity. But like I said it is very hard for me as it is for you. I wish you all peace.

  21. To praying,
    I’m so sorry for you going through this also. I also took my daughters out of our will but grandchildren are to young to put as the beneficiaries. I put our bonus son ( stepson) as the beneficiary to our will. I feel that we been taken advantage by my daughter. It hurts very much.

  22. You don’t know what love is until you have children. I’ve decided that being a parent is a thankless job. My 36 year old daughter uses her children to try and hurt us and I don’t know why. One day she’s going to realize she’s not just hurting us she’s hurting her own children. My daughter doesn’t realize that those little children are asking themselves what they did wrong why doesn’t grandma and grandpa want to see us. It’s going to come full circle the pain she had caused my husband and I is the very pain she’s going to feel her self. It’s going on 7 years now that we haven’t seen the grandchildren. What she all so doesn’t realize is what she is teaching her children, grudges, anger, hatred, and more. Life goes on with or with out you. You have to make the best of a bad situation. I love my daughter and my grandchildren but time will tell, I pray that she doesn’t wait for it to be too late.

  23. January 25, 2018 at 8:02 pm
    I have been estranged with my 42 year old daughter for over 17 years and she has 2 children that I haven’t meant them. She resents me because my oldest son had a stoke at the age of 8 years old. He was in the hospital for a month. I was working full time and going through divorce was not easy. So my older daughter hates me because she says I cared about my son that had the stoke more. That is not farther from the truth but yes I did worry about him. Her father never took responsibility of her when her brother and his son was in hospital. I would get early to do exercises every morning with him and then I went to work. I got married again and had 2 children and I had another boy and then I had a baby girl. Which my ex husband did not want to have a girl, so he really didn’t have much to do with her. I stayed married to him for over 24 years. She always told me that she was going to have her half sister to be matron of honor. I didn’t have a problem but I believe my first daughter did, so I was excluded out of wedding. I have 4 siblings that I don’t talk to because they treat me like crap. All my siblings were invited to the wedding but I wasn’t. I believe it was my older daughter would not the matron of honor if I was going to be there. Two years ago my daughter got engaged which she never told me. She married on July 2016, then she had a baby boy this past August. My daughter in law told me that she had a baby boy. So I texted her congratulate her on the birth of her son. Then ask if she wanted the toy chest and rocking chair that she had as a child, she said yes. She said do you want to see a picture and I no because I’m not going to be in his life that it hurts too much. She said we want you in his life. That was a short live relationship because she sent me a picture of baby. She lives in different state than I do and she came up for Thanksgiving and she stayed at my sister house (by the way she lives 6 miles away). She told me she was going to her father’s house. That was one of First lies and then I knew she was Facebook but she told no. That I would slide on that one but I didn’t want to be lied anymore to me. Her husband told me that it wasn’t her fault. She had to choose between aunts/uncle/ dad/ sister and me. So I was the deleted from wedding list. I will miss my new grandson but I can’t take the lying and no respect for me. I would like someone comment if I was wrong or not.

  24. I can identify with much of what I read.
    Here is a letter I wrote to myself to help me accept and cope with the reality of our situation. I frequently re-read to encourage myself. Perhaps some others might find it helpful.

    Advice to my broken heart

    She has made her choice.
    She is grown now. She is no longer the child you remember and she will never be again.
    You have apologized and attempted to repair the relationship. You have honestly admitted mistakes and humbly asked for forgiveness. You have let her know that you love her and you want a better relationship. You have done all you can.
    Now you must grieve the loss of what could have been. Grieve the loss of the relationship with her as you imagined it would be. Maybe some day she will come around to value you and your opinions, maybe someday she will show genuine love and concern for you, but she may never. You can not change her! You can only change you. Protect your fragile heart. Continue to be open to relationship, but be aware that it is on their terms and not yours. Be ready, willing and able to set healthy boundaries. Do not push contact. Maybe limited contact is best for everyone. It certainly gives them less ammunition to use against you. Do not send unsolicited gifts. Do not be manipulated into thinking you are responsible for providing for them financially. They are capable adults. Stop questioning yourself and wondering what you did wrong and how you could have avoided this pain. You were a good Mom. You did love her and care for her and put her needs above your own. DO not offer any unsolicited advice at all. Try your best not to worry if her needs are being met, if she’s happy, healthy and the person she wants to be. She will share with you if she wants to and she does not want you to ask her questions about those things. She takes them as implying you think she and her husband are not capable of meeting needs on their own.Just do not ask! Do not expect them to want to spend time with you or share their lives with you. It is a sad, painful reality. BUT that is the reality so accept what is. Get busy living your own life.
    DO pray
    DO continue to love from afar and wish the very best for them
    DO praise them in genuine ways whenever you can – they seem to need that
    DO make an effort to find things that you can specifically mention that you like about them
    Do try to engage them in conversations about genuine topics of interest that you both may share
    DO check in occasionally, if possible, and be honest and cheerful in your communication remembering your happiness does not depend on them
    DO encourage them when you see them trying to reach their own goals (Do not tell them what those goals should be according to you.)
    DO focus on all the positive relationships in your life. You have so much to be thankful for and so many good things to be involved in and focused on.
    DO set healthy boundaries. She has said her peace. You have apologized. Now move on and focus on positives. No more preservating about how bad of a Mom you supposedly were.
    DO realize that you will survive no matter what she decides for the future. If she decides to end relationship yes you will be devastated and sad – it will hurt like hell and a part of you will never be the same BUT that doesn’t mean you won’t recover. You can handle whatever happens. God will help you and so will your supportive, loving family.
    DO be kind and gentle with yourself. This is very challenging and many others will never really understand how very painful it is. Do whatever you can to take care of yourself. You will be OK!

  25. I posted on the 15th. So far no contact with my son. I have been diagnosed with PTSD. I am going to take this time for myself. Iam going to a therapist to help me. I am going to live my life. It hurts like hell but you know what? We have a life to live. I know I stopped seeing my own mom also.I remember how she always played the victim. She was always angry. she was always cleaning and too tired.When I grew older I wanted to live my life. I dreaded calling and talking to her because every single conversation ended in an argument. begging me what she did wrong. there was no happy times to build upon. fast forward she has dementia. I cant ever repair the lost time however I get along with her better now than I ever did before. She doesn’t guilt me about not visiting often because she cant remember!. there is a lesson in this. Now i think about seeing her more than i ever did because i can enjoy the time I am with her without all the guilt she used to lay on my shoulders. but sadness also because i know she wont remember a thing i say. I wonder if she didn’t lose her memory but lost the guilt trip behavior if i would have had a closer relationship with her? This is what i dam well intend to do. I intend to fill my life with people who do want to be around me. I will not wallow in this grief. it does nothing to heal your soul. I will let go of this anger and allow my son to make his decisions . And if he does contact me i will be happy and not try to convey how much he hurt me all the time or point out all the things i did for him, after all you give to your children without expecting anything in return so you should not be angry. If you gave too much then stop doing that, you earned your money and once they are grown they have to earn their own money. My son is only 17 now . still too young but I am going to give him his space to live his life . When my dad was his age he was already in the army. think about that everyone. we baby our children. we expect the movie ending. when i was a kid my dad didnt call me every two seconds demanding that he see me. he let me live my life. We dont have to be attached at the hip. you raise them and then you let them go. I know in my heart the more i cling to him the more i become depressed and bitter then who would want to be around me? nobody! it pushes them further away! dont always be home when they call. (even if you are..wink wink) get a hobby, cultivate friends. last week i went out for the first time in so many years i forgot how fun that could be! I came home then realized i didnt think about my son at all that day! Imagine calling your parents and they never have anything interesting to talk about or they nag you? you want to keep in touch with that person. How about they nag you about all your mistakes? If you are still close to your parents ask yourself do they do things that you do to your kids? such as nag interfere or for me what the biggest turn off was the GUILT TRIP! if your kids went down the wrong path in life give them advice if they ask but not like you would your child like you would an adult. after all thats what they are. you have to let them fall so they can learn to pick themselves back up. you cannot take care of them and at the same time expect them to be responsible adults. this is just all that has come into my head today. i hope this helps someone out there. it came from the heart and i know someone needed to hear this today

  26. I am in a situation where I am letting go of my daughter who is 26 yrs , married for a year who was always self-centred and cold. I am supposedly an undiagnosed ADD patient and clinically depressed for over 20 yrs now. I am divorced and have always been a single parent throughout though I was only separated then.

    I always wanted to give what I missed in my life and the best to my daughter. I have undergone something next to hell till date for her. But note the point she was always the same while I didn’t have the nerve to recognise it.

    My only suggestion to all affected parents is just to realise we are someway responsible for their attitude and behaviour. It is our mistake to go beyond our capabilities and putting ourselves back to bring up the children. We have missed the opportunities to either detect the selfish attitude earlier or were in denial about many things. It is never too late to live our lives. The best thing is to let go and find other avenues to give and take love and move on.

  27. I really appreciate everyone who has contributed to this blog. I have two children, my daughter is 21 and my son is 18. My husband and I separated 3.5 years ago. He had an affair and many financial issues he hid from me that were discovered after I filed for divorce. We were married 21 years at the time of separation. My children are two very different people. I always had a good relationship with both of my kids. They were rarely disrespectful and we did everything together. The four of us worked but the two of us (my husband and I) didn’t. My daughter has gradually become more distant in our relationship. I work at a university that allows both of my children to go to school for free. I also returned to school 2 years ago to earn my degree for free. At this point my daughter wants very little to do with me and I don’t understand why. My son and I are close and have a good relationship. I am very hurt by my daughter’s behavior. I will not allow her to be disrespectful towards me. I know she must be hurting and I want to understand her feelings but she will not open up to me. If things are not done her way she becomes demanding and disrespectful. I left my marriage because for years I felt if I behaved a certain way everything would be fine. I got tired of that and I stood up for myself. I am at fault for not doing that all along. After all my family and I went through with the breakdown of my marriage I will not go back on the decision to stand up for myself. I will not let her disrespect me. The pain from her cutting ties with me is very heavy. I don’t know what to do to turn things around. I feel her dad is helping with widening the gap between my daughter and I. I pray for guidance in this situation. Thank you to everyone who shares their stories. I am so sorry for your pain. It is so sad to see all this unnecessary pain where there could be so many great memories made instead. I wish you all understanding.

  28. Oh my heart!
    So many broken hearted Mommys. I feel betrayed by mu baby daughter ,as she was the sweetest kindest, most tender hearted lil thing ever and was always torn because she NEVER wanted to ever hurt her Daddy or myself. ….but even though I had main custody their primary years, their dad did everything in his power to alienate me, the sweet caring Momma who fought for my life and theirs to put them on this earth. Yet he would take them every Christmas and didn’t even celebrate himself, just went to his moms. Even though they had two older siblings his family took evil measures over the court system. YES it happens and still happens at 18&21….though im still hanging on to hope.
    I feel your pain all of you! One day I do believe they finally grow up…..and realize the truth.

  29. Hello
    My youngest girl and I were always close but about two years she started going to bed without saying goodnight or not eating with us.
    She was married this past June to real good man. He even asked my for her hand. But now she has turned her back on us. Me more than my wife. I’ve latterly begged her to have lunch with me, she refused.
    We hear nothing of her new life, but his family is the center of her life. She won’t return calls, texts go unanswered. She won’t have lunch with me but she’ll get up at 5 am to go work out with her new mother in law. Everyone says she’ll be back but I won’t be here for her. I can’t take emotional pain and she has given me so much and hurt me so bad the only way I can deal with it id to be done with her. Any pictures of her are gone, graduation gifts in the trash, the new suit I bought for her wedding in the fire pit.
    I can’t take that kind of pain so she’s gone. I’ll never call, text or speak with her again. its sad and it hurts but only for me. She is off living her dream and me, I spend my life trying to forget her.
    Goodbye Sara, I loved you so.

  30. Hello everyone, this group gave me insight into that the pain I began working through a little over three years ago was not unique to me AND that discovery was one of those discoveries that has helped me in my never ending search for tools that have helped me to heal and find the next step forward. I’ve shared my thoughts with you during the raw and early stages of pain and hurt and now I’d like to share my thoughts with you as time has passed as I am hoping in sharing I may help someone else if even just one of you may benefit. Maybe my personal revelations are unique to me and benefit no one BUT myself for I don’t have the answers just what has felt right for me and maybe one among you can relate and this may just be that kind of support you may need to keep on keeping on.

    Please know in this experience I’ve gone through a long period of countless sleepless nights, feelings of panic and have been to several therapists in an effort to get help working through my emotions. For me finding the right therapist has not come easy and I yet to find one. We all have a budget and I have a very restricted one so for me doing my own “homework” has been essential. The hours of reading I have done are countless and in doing so stumbled on information that led me into other discoveries and then onto more discoveries and along this path began a string of “connecting” the dots which was allowed me some well needed self discovery and also lessons to help guide me. I may never really have the wisdom to understand my daughter’s choices and equally important the manner in which it all played out to be known but self discovery goes hand in hand with healing and through the pain came a lot of discoveries. At least I think so. I discovered that perhaps much of the extreme depth of the pain I have felt so suffocated by and was killing so much of my spirit was for me because of the way my mind had been developed since childhood. I came across some videos by Richard Grannon about narcissism. I realized that my mother and grandmother who both raised me were narcissist and feel both were covert narcissist. From the time I was a child I was “fixing” things in people’s lives and no matter how much was fixed there was always something else. I was made to feel guilty about a lot and that has continued a lifetime. BUT in the discovery of what I’ve learned from his talks I began to realize for myself that “I” was not insane for feeling things had been abnormal and have learned how to place a comfortable distance between the mother I love so much AND learned how not to give her the fuel that she uses to taint things as she does. All of this is an entire world of learning that I’ve begun and will not get into BUT wanted to share should that be helpful to you.

    Finding “answers” are the greatest tools in healing and doing so in a positive way. Learning how to try to reprogram how I process hurt is challenging but I am hoping the education I can find will help me down that path so doors open and not shut.

    Being quite frank and honest with everyone I do have those way in the back thoughts of being angry at my daughter that she felt she had to lie and then push a devoted family to the side to have a life with the man she fell in love with and eventually married BUT for me allowing those thoughts to spoil my bigger need to always be a part of my daughter’s life keeps those thoughts more at bay than embraced. It’s enough to feel that I know that there is right and there is wrong and she can be angry forever that I didn’t pretend to be pleased and angry that I still had my own personal moral compass. I worked very hard to allow the mother who loves her daughter to somehow continue to show that face and not the face of bitterness and anger. I have come to recognize that my daughter took a lot for granted and I’m learning a disciplined practice of conservative “giving” …. I’m not rich by no means but those little things I did that for me were sacrifices for things for myself, had gone to be something for less revered than I thought they had been. So now I try to practice giving in appropriateness. Hard right now learning there’s a baby on the way…I’ve broken that practice : ) but I’m not perfect, but it has served to allow me to be who I am at my roots and it has felt good not to hold back.

    I don’t know what the future holds I don’t know if there will be more that will set things back but for now I am happy to say that there is slow progress and steady progress. I know that she has her perspective about things and I have my own. I decided in the beginning that in order for my pain to be worth the hell I’ve been through that it had to go towards what felt right for me and that has always added up to that I did not want to shut any door of mine on her and despite how right I know she has always felt she has been now at 29 and wrong she has probably felt I had been… I see that she too continues to had decided to keep the door ajar for me. Which I am deeply grateful that she has.

    More than anything all my faith that God would guide me and help me has been my crutch and to HIM I am humbled and to HIM I am so thankful. The blow early on was so horrific and the words that I said to him were disgraceful and I’m so sorry for that. Never feel alone my friends for he does hear and he does listen and love us all. I’ve learned that too. I could not have survived without his love.

    Being a parent is not an easy roll in life and being a son or daughter is not as well. I think stepping back taking a deep breath and learning new approaches is invaluable at least for me it all is proving to be. I think there are ways of making selfish behavior being recognized without it becoming a perpetual divide.

    I wish you all good things and I wish you all peace with your personal quests.

  31. Hey everyone, listen up. Our kids are brats, plain and simple. Who knows why they are the way they are? I’m a great mom, and I am not second guessing myself as a parent anymore. Don’t. We are not responsible for their personality, they are. Does it hurt? Damn straight, but this is on them, not us.

  32. Dear Broken,
    I am so sorry to hear about your situation with your daughter. I too am going to a similar situation with my own daughter. She has made her fiancé the center of her life. I can’t tell her anything anymore and everything I do or say is misinterpreted. She can’t even make a decision any more without including him. He’s a nice guy, just not the brightest guy. I too am distancing myself from my daughter. Best advice I can offer is to focus on you and your wife now. Your daughter is an adult and there will be a few lessons that she has to learn. She will be back and when she does be available to listen if you so choose, but DO NOT LET HER ISSUES DISRUPT YOUR PEACE!!!

  33. Judy, your post touched my heart. I see wisdom in every paragraph. I too have been thankful my son has left the door ajar for me. I shut his phone off last week. I warned him i would, even though I felt that would mean no more contact. i cried in doing so, hyterically at times. I realized if nothing else i must teach him that actions have reactions and consequence. I will not allow him to use me. I realized i wouldnt let a stranger treat me so disrespectfully so why would I let my son? He text me a few days later his new number. No words of anger nothing. So he does want me in his life. if only just a tiny small bit. there is love for me. He is young and must grow. There has been abuse by his father and he has blamed me for it. i have accepted partial blame but the majority of that blame lands on his father and his step mother who he ironically lives with. Hisstep mother only not his dad. They are divorced she has custody of the half brothers to my son. I know he wants to be there to protect his half brothers from his father because he doesnt trust his step mother to do so. I kniow in my heart we will be in each others lives. to what degree i do not know. I just keep telling myself I must invest in my own life as he must invest in his own. We do not own our children we as parents must educate them the best we can so they can live there lives and we dont have the right to exspect them not to live there life. If we keep growing as adults we will not feel the need to be validated by our children. Know that God loves you and this is your life to live with or wothout your children by your side. Every life has meaning. make your life a good one that provides strength and hope for those who need it. I would urge many of you who are in this situation to seek out a counselor with PTSD training. We all have suffered a trauma. the work being done in this field is very helpful to people in our situation. It works with ART and EREM it is doing wonders fr me that years of talk therapy has not. the other nice thing is it is not forever. 16 weeks for this therapy. dont give up get help. the right help can do a world of difference!

  34. My mother acted like a jilted lover every time I had a boyfriend and the focus of my attention was diverted away from tending to her emotional need to be the center of attention, my emotional health be damned. Daughters are worthless and useless if they have the audacity to seek a life outside their mothers was the message I received. My mother died many years ago and I still deeply regret NOT cutting ties with her when I was younger, I would have had a better life.

  35. After a year of the praying, it’s much better for me. Nothing has changed except my son is expecting a baby I expect I won’t have much contact with. I’m okay with that and have kindly expressed my wish to be included, but the difference is my expectations are in check, and I have none. I also am not opening up my checkbook to try to buy affection. I declined buying Tiffany diamond earrings for my son’s wife at Christmas and suffered a little for that, but I weathered it all. I saw my son’s daughter once last year and we live two miles from one another. My daughter’s child I see everyday and am extremely involved as a grandparent should be. I’m always hopeful things will change with my son’s family, but there is not the desperation I had.

    Recently my daughter talked of relocation and while I was extremely sad I would not be seeing my granddaughter everyday, I expressed my support for her decisions. She decided the support she has from me as a single parent is not worth relocating far away from me. I can’t leave my business to join her or I would.

    I’m very grateful to God for seeing me through the wretched despair I had last year. The former in laws are as divisive as ever, but I’ve been healed from caring so much what they do. And I have accepted my son’s decision to spend his time with them. Ironically, after all my suffering, my son told me things are not so happy in that situation, but I felt nothing other than sadness for my son to be disappointed in discovering for himself the truth I endured. My former husband is not involved with our children and grandchildren and that is another long story filled with girlfriends and his new wife he no longer lives with.

  36. Betsy sums it up very well. Our children have grown up with a sense of entitlement and are spoiled brats. My son wanted me to sell my house so that he could afford to buy his own. He also would rather buy his fiancé (now wife) an engagement ring than pay off his loan to me. So I told him that I was calling his loan off and he was thrilled, until I told him that I had written him out of the will in trade and that he could go work and buy his own house. Was he happy? Absolutely not. But people!!! Our golden years are not meant to support our kids, be their free babysitters, or let them physically or emotionally abuse us. They need to be independent and we need to live our lives only for ourselves. And to be happy. These people are miserable and try to drag us down to their levels. How they got there is beyond me, but I’m not doing it. Life is too short and I will do whatever it takes to be happy, and if they can’t be happy for me, then oh well. They don’t want us telling them how to live their lives so what gives them the right to tell us how to live ours, and how to spend our money (on them). Sadly, it seems that gone are the days where our children respect their parents.

  37. Dear ColdTruth- I’m sorry you had to go through that crap while you were dating, and your mom was alive. It sounds like your mom had some psychological issues she neglected to receive help for. You know, we all look back on life and wish we could do things differently..but the good news is, life is a learning experience. You’re going to take your lesson and change so that history doesn’t repeat itself…so that your children wont feel the hurt that you felt, and still do feel. Please forgive your mom, not for her sake, but for your own. Let it go..what she did was HER fault, not yours. It will free you. I know youre going to be a wonderful, FORGIVING mother. All the best to you! <3

  38. Dear brothers & sisters, I was there. I thought my relationship with my son was over. I was a total basket case. I practically begged him to come back into my life. I’m embarrassed how I acted. It was then that I joined this group.
    But I prayed, read scripture, sought counseling & went on a low dose anxiety med. I started taking care of MYSELF. I learned I am the only 1 responsible for helping myself. And that I have issues as well. My counselor pointed out areas I need to work on & that may have contributed to the chaos that went on between me & my son. He also taught me how to cope when my son hurts me.
    That said, my son came back into my life. God changed his heart. And He’s working on me too. It’s a work in progress but we both at least we both have the same goal – to remain in each other’s lives and love each other.
    And because I worked on myself I no longer see a day when he can cause me to be so distraught. He doesn’t have the power to do that anymore. This time I would let him go.
    I continue to go to counseling I continue my meds I continue my faith. Because that works for me. It works for me. And I pray that my son & I stay on track. His hugs are the best.
    I posted all this because I wanted to give hope to the rest of you parents who have lost hope. Who have lost their minds. Who have lost themselves. You can’t fix your adult kids, you can only fix yourselves.
    You extend the olive branch from time to time of course and leave the door open. Le god do the rest.

  39. I was very close with my adult son until he married a girl after six months of dating. None of us knew her. Her lifestyle is culturally different from ours and he rarely sees any of his immediate family anymore. He devoted all his time and energy to his new wife and her children. He stopped seeing his 10 yr old son (with whom he was very close to) and now has given up his parental rights. I am sickened by his decision to turn his back on his son. He now has a baby with his wife and I don’t even want to know the new baby. I’m so appalled as to how he could just ignore his own son without thinking of what that will do to my grandson. I do not know how to maintain a relationship with my son since he’s made these awful decisions. Help.

  40. My sweet little girl who is now 25 years old has slowly but surely become a nightmare to me. A few years ago, I discovered she crept into my room and stole a few thousand dollars and now refuses to pay it back. The main hurt and shock came when she recently said “when you die, can I have your car?”. I have bought her a car because the one she had was too old and dangerous to drive and I didn’t want her to get in an accident. I also helped her with her rent payments here and there. I have not allowed her to live in my house since she stole from me and I changed the locks. I am pulled between caring what happens to her to feeling like a fool for giving to her only to be treated rudely……I feel like a fool. Seems like the more I have done for her, the more unkind she gets. It is difficult to turn your back on a child you have loved and cared for but there is a limit as to how unkindness a mother can take.

  41. Betsey and Minnie,
    I just reread your posts, after I wrote about my heartbreak my daughter slapped me with in her horrible letter yesterday.
    You are right. We parents who did right by our kids, bent over backwards to give them everything and more- they are unhappy, selfish and uncaring as well as deeply unhappy, of their own making. I had a very hard life and I never once blamed my mother for it.
    I will do my best to heal my broken heart. I lived through the death of my son, my brother, my mother, my infant I miscarried and I can live through her estrangement from me. She is 31 Year old who does not date, does not want children, refuses to share ANY of her life with us. I tried and tried to be a good mom. I am done. It is up to her, now. Thank you for your affirmation, Betsey and Minnie.

  42. Hi Betsey thank you for the comment and the kind words. You’re right, history isn’t going to repeat itself, because I never wanted or had my own children. The way I was raised so severely damaged me that I find intimate relationships intolerably distressing and repulsive. My mother did seek help for her problems, to her credit. Unfortunately, it had little effect on her psychologically incestuous behavior. I have forgiven her for my own sake but the damage is done and is mostly irreversible.

  43. Here’s an idea. Don’t psychologically abuse your kid. Maybe also pass on soul raping her. You’ll find this goes a remarkably long way towards fostering more amicable parent-child relations.

  44. There is hope.
    My son & I reconciled.
    I prayed, got counseling, went on a script & prayed some more.
    We are a work in progress but thats ok.
    Keep the faith folks.

  45. In order to help my daughter get on her feet after a bad relationship ended, I helped her find work, loaned her money and gave her a credit card to use in emergencies to avoid having to call me for every little thing that came up, like gas and food. My son moved from Dallas to Buffalo, New York for a job. I let him take a credit card that I don’t really use in case of an emergency that required he return home in a hurry. My daughter ran up seven thousand dollars and my son charged four thousand dollars on these cards, seemingly, without even thinking hard about it. My son told me he was having problems getting paid for the work he was hired to do. My daughter got a job that pays minimum wage, but says she intends to get a second job so that she can begin to make payments on her loans and credit card debt. When I saw the statements, I was shocked to see Starbucks, restaurants, dollar store purchases, health food, fast food joints and other non emergency charges. I talked to each of them and explained that there is no way I can pay their bills and mine too. If they don’t pay for their credit card purchases and pay at least a minimal amount of the sum they owe for loans, (legal bills for tickets that had gone into warrant status, ect.), that I wouldn’t have enough let over at the end of the month to cover my own expenses. Now, I’m broke, in debt and struggling to keep my credit in tact. I’m eating more Vienna Sausage and Ramen noodles that I’ve ever eaten in my life because I can’t afford the healthy diet that I’ve always maintained. My son has stopped calling and amazingly, my daughter still calls asking for help with her bills and everyday expenses. My children and I have always been extremely close and I would have sworn that they would stand on a street corner with a tin cup before they let me suffer this way. I have nothing left. I’m too embarrassed to tell the rest of my family about the way my children are treating me. I’ve thought about getting a second job, but that would interfere with my Social Security payments. I’m heart broken and have seriously thought about just disappearing without telling anyone where I’m going. I’m broke depressed and really don’t care about too much any more. I could really use some advice.

  46. Oh I don’t know where to start , part of me is ashamed by my behaviour, I had a bad childhood but saying that it is not an excuse my only crime is caring to much , I have due to childhood turned into a people pleaser ( I hate this side of me ) I try to get strong but I am weak . My eldest son has told me to stay out of his life . My heart is breaking I want to run away and hide , I want to shut myself away I want to phone him and put things right but I know this would make things worse but this people pleaser inside me is ripping me apart thinking Wat if I made contact I could say sorry ( I never did nothing wrong ) but that is down to my childhood when I was little if I said sorry then my mum was ok with that ( my mum had issues mentally) not her fault so I don’t want her to be ran down she was my mum and I loved her so much . Please help my damaged and broken heart I carnt bear the pain inside of me I love my son very much x

  47. Dear Broken Mom- I’m sorry you’ve had so much heartache in your life. I know how much it hurts to have a child who wants nothing to do with you, for no reason. I wish I understood why these adult kids of ours shut us out. I dont know..but what I do know is that the simple fact that you and I are looking for answers and help, proves we care, and that we love our children very much, even if its not reciprocated. My 88 yr old mom (whom I love dearly) told me the reason our adult kids do this, is because they know we will always forgive them and take them back. Unconditional love. Thats true for me, and I’m sure you’d agree. That makes us wonderful moms right there, no matter what they say! We know the truth. So…like I said..this is on them, not us. <3

  48. I adopted my niece at the age of 9. I had her since she was 4 months old and now she is 19. She dropped out of school . I put her in a GED program , she doesn’t go. Many times she stays out for weeks with no contact or anything. She has been doing this even when she was 16. I went through a lot with this child. She would fight me, and destroy a lot of my things like tv’s computers printers etc. One time she told me that her mother told her that she doesn’t have to listen to me because I’m not her mother. She would tell her friends “ that’s my aunt , I don’t have to listen to her” . I really believe she hates me. It hurts the way she treats me. I’m trying to let go of her, but I’m not there yet.. Before my brother asked me to take her, I was single with no kids. Sometimes, I regret adopting her because itge pain is deep.She has no respect for me either cursing at me .Like wow!!! My heart hurts.

  49. I divorced my husband after 21 years of marriage. He was a diagnosed sociopath and I lived a perpetual hell while raising 2 kids, doing my absolute best to instill in them morals, values and a conscience. My daughter is bi-polar and has broken my heart so many times, I finally decided to cut contact. Now, my 19 year old son is acting out. He lives with me for free. He recently left home because he said I asked to often for him to take the garbage out or to run to the store if we need things. He cussed ne out, called me names and started calling my fiance telling him lies about me. We are stunned by it. I asked him what he was trying to accomplish? To make me look like a terrible mother to justify his bad behavior or to convince people he’s not a bad person for acting so over the top over something so minor? I was laid off 9 months ago and my fiance has been helping me supplement until I find a job. According to my son now, because I haven’t been able to find work and now my unemployment ran out, i dont deserve respect, but my fiance does. I’m baffled and absolutely heart broken by this.

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