Many people who have come to this page are looking for answers to the problem of family estrangement. I’m 
excited to be able to offer an brand new resource. For my book, Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them, I interviewed hundreds of people in estrangements, including those who have successfully reconciled. The book is filled with compelling stories, concrete advice, and strategies and tips for healing family rifts. I hope you find it helpful!
In an earlier post, one of the Legacy Project elders shared her mixed feelings about having children. Loraine,89 , talked about accepting both the joy and the pain children can bring. She stated: “If you don’t have children now, when you have them you will have these moments. When you look at them and your heart – it’s like your heart takes all the pain and all the love for them that you have.”
We just received a comment on that post from one of our readers, who would like your advice:
What about when your children are disappointments? I would like to hear how parents handle situations when their most loved children are cause for a broken heart? Comments please!
We asked some experts for their advice, which you can find here.
Please note that the comments thread on this post is now closed.
I’m too depressed to write much. I’m Bipolar. My son hasn’t spoken to me in 6 months and wouldn’t say why. I called today to leave a message on his cellphone to tell him his grandmother’s birthday is this week (he never answers my calls). This time he picked up. He barked at me. He blames me for his life because “I put him on all that medication when [he] was so little…” and therefore I screwed up his whole life. He says he only is just starting to get on track now (he’s 26) and to just stay the “f” out of his life. He lives with his Dad. His Dad walked out when he was 8. He said he couldn’t handle being a father. I’m sure the strain of my mental illness was part of the problem, but from the time our son was born, my husband could not cope. I did the best I could. I tried to make up for the frustration between my husband and my son. I loved them both dearly. My son had many issues. I took him to a therapist with my husband’s consent. The therapist saw him for a long time. She referred him to several psychiatrists. They diagnosed him and prescribed medications. He seemed to do better when he was on them. I supported him in school. He continued to have problems. At 18, he stopped going regularly to his college classes. I had to repeatedly wake him to make sure he wasn’t late for class, and he was so disrespectful and vulgar toward me, I had no choice but to finally tell him he needed to go live with his Dad. He resented me for it. There was friction. He and his father got in a fist fight. My son, against my advice, decided to quit taking all of his medications at once instead of tapering them off. He was able to get a job and finish college while living with his Dad who made him tow the line. His recent anger came after I had a manic episode at my parent’s while on vacation there with my son. He just stopped talking to me. He’s never been able to deal with/accept my mental illness. He’s never visited me in the hospital. Still, I’m crushed that he blames me for everything. There’s no room left to even explain. He will never listen. He will never understand.
This is a new issue
I have a terminal illness and my husband has numerous health issues, parkinsons etc. Our sons never call to see how we are. In fact our one son has not been to our house for over 2 1/2 years. He lives 20 min. away. Our daughter calls once a week to see how we are.
We have asked them why and the answer is we’re busy, but they aren’t too busy to golf at a course three blocks from our house.
This hurts us deeply. Any suggestions to get past this?
Help! I’m hurting so much. Anyone out there feel the same, from the same experience as I? My son gave up his rights to his daughter, my 1st grandchild when she was 6. They lived 3,000 miles apart. NY & Oregon. I saw & he saw & we me her when she was 3. She is now 10. He begged me to never speak about her. I promised I wouldn’t. I went to Oregon to meet her again after she had already been legally adopted by the childs mothers new husband. They love us & want her part of our family. But now my son will not speak to me & won’t let us see our other 2 grandkids from his marriage. Why does the world have to shed so much pain? looking for someone who’s had the same experience?
I sympathize with all of you and know it is hard to say no more. I was a young mother having one son at 19 and another by 21, divorced and having to raise my two sons by myself without family or financial assistance. I found a job and believe me when I say we had hard times. I wanted a family so badly, that I tried to make the best of it for all of us When they were 11 and 13 years old I remarried and life was much easier for me and I thought for them. My youngest son adjusted to the changes of our life beautifully, but the older son could never adjust. My younger son was Mr. Personality and loved everyone including me. My older son couldn’t get close to anyone. When my husband died I thought maybe the problems were between my husband and the oldest son. But I soon found out that it was me.. I relived the moments in my life over and over wondering what did I do to him?. He is now married and his wife would scream and yell at me and finally, I had enough and yelled back. So for almost 13 years he kicked me out of his family, I tried to talk to him and his wife but he wanted no part of it. If I called he would hang up on me. Now my youngest son tells me he is softening up and might want to make contact. I had to say no that it’s better like this. He was surprised but I feel that i went through two deaths, my husband and my son at the same time (even the dog died at that time). I don’t want to walk on egg shells any longer. I’m afraid he will hurt me again and I just don’t want the heartache . Plus I don’t know my four grandchildren thanks to their parents. My grand daughter is now 18 and I’ve talked to her mom (not the one my son is married to) and asked her for her phone number and email address but never receive it. I really don’t want to get too attached to any of them. I don’t want to get hurt again, it took me a long time to get over him. When I talk to people and they say how many children do you have I say one son and one grandson. So what I can say to all of you is that there is a life after your child leaves you . Be strong and have a good cry and move on with your life, as hard as it can be it will get better,
I’m reading a really helpful book which I ordered from Amazon just after my last post. It’s, “When Parents Hurt,” by Joshua Coleman, PH.D. Other than that, I just pray every day. Good luck to everyone here.
God Bless.
To all who have posted today. I share your heart break and also struggle to understand my situation and all of yours. My remedy is to keep sharing (anonymously because “I feel” identification fuels the fire). Use this site to make a deposit of all the pain and sorrow you feel into a trusted place where you are understood with compassion and acceptance by others experiencing the same, for what often feels like no good reason. Withdraw from the site the peace that you have vented this sorrow and confusion and hopefully feel a bit lighter. Everyday, sometimes every minute can feel like an insurmountable challenge. I can only share what has worked for me and that is to deposit here when I am overwhelmed with my painful emotions and other times: distract myself with things I enjoy, turn to those who ARE present and loving in my life and be truly grateful for them and give to others who want my love, guidance and time. I have often thought a registry that matches adult children who have lost their parents to those of us who want to provide that role and love could be a helpful (perhaps necessary) tool for healing both sides that suffer. Most towns have a CASA organization where you can become a court appointed special advocate for children who need positive role models and families who live on the edge. My husband and I “adopted”, in our own way, a young man we met in Central America one time in our travel to fill this void in our lives. Having so little in his country has made him so appreciative of our sponsorship. I am proud of those who have set boundaries with their abusive adult children. I know how hard this is. There are no words for this pain but we must have enough self respect to do this. I hope today those who wrote feel a little lighter, a little better and not so alone. I know and understand your pain.
I have a son that I was very close to. I would do anything for him. He was diagnosed as having a Bipolor disorder. He feels that we hold him back. Lately he has refused to speak with some members of his family or correspond through email. It is Sad that he wants to throw away his family because they want to help him. He is angry at society because they don’t understand being BiPolor. I try to encourage him to be healthy and to find ways of decreasing his mood swings. I guess he just wants us to leave him alone. It does break my heart
I have learned from the many hurts I have had in life is that the best person to help when we have endured a heartbreaking hurtful situation, whether it be with children a spouse or whomever, is someone who has experienced a similar situation. No offense to the professionals but they are usually clueless. You can only with identify with someone’s pain if you have been there yourself. I have many friends but they all go spend Christmas with their children. I am a widow of 10 years and my son goes to his in laws (more fun as they have a big family) for Christmas and I have never been invited. I was good enough to have in my home and pay for their wedding. I have a hard time the professionals that suggested a way to get through a repeated painfully lonely Christmas is to decorate my house. I knew this was ridiculous but did so anyway, inside and out. Then I sat here all alone only now with a decorated home to make sure I know it’s Christmas. . It was more depressing waking up Christmas morning. The couple of little presents I received (not from my son) I sat here by myself and opened and just cried. A person that has read all the books and has the degrees can’t possibly comprehend what a person feels just because they read it in a book. That’s why support groups are so important. I wish there were more support groups.
After 10 years of trying to help my son stay out of jail and off drugs, it took him accusing me of stealing his pills, then telling others I stole his pills, to make me stop hurting. I finally realized he really only cares about himself and why have I been knocking myself out to help someone who cares nothing about me unless I am doing for him. He has manipulated me, used me, stole from me, lied you name it. I kept hoping he would come back to himself, the way he used to be, and maybe he will, but if I am not around to enable him, what happens will happen. I’m tired, I’m raising his children, one who is autiistic. He’s 35 freakin years old and it’s time to grow up. I don’t have much time in this world left, I choose to live it on my terms not his. I have a daughter the same. way.. The more you do, the more they expect, and the more they feel entitled. I even thought of legally disowning them. And I didn’t steal his pills. He found them later
Mari, Applause to you. Congratulations for making it as far as you did. Self survival kicked in, instead of self destruction.
IF he wants to make amends for all the pain he has caused you, sit back, relax, be calm, and let him begin to try to close the divide he built between you. Let him attempt to dismantle the wall he built, brick by brick. Right now you see through a possible sham, the same one you have probably seen before, he makes a slight gesture and you do all the work to make everything the way it should be, unknowingly only becoming the ultimate enabler.
You will know when the damage has been repaired because you paid the price and bore the agony while he tried to extort so many things from you.
If he’s not old enough to know what he had done was disrespectful and unnatural, then he’s never going to know.
You should be an example to all.
Bravo Mari. Thank you for making the world a better place. Stay on the road to happiness, because life is too short to travel the alternative routes, AND there’s no traffic jams on it because not enough people travel it these days!
Well, I do not like to be in this group of find people. But I to have a son and daughter who wanting nothing to do with me. My heart is so broken words can not even begin to explain. I even had a nervous breakdown and it made them run away even father. I have not even spoken a word to my daughter in over four years. My son when I did talk to him sr ended up fighting. They make it so hard to love them!! They have kept grandkids away as well. MEAN HUH?
I never post on boards but I am hurting so much too. My son and daughter don’t have anything to do with me either. I have been separated from their Mom since 2009 and recently divorced. I beat myself up so much and wish I could do things differently. I didn’t want the divorce and me and their Mom are still on really good terms. I was never abusive or violent or drunk or anything. Still, I know I must have done something. Neither one of them will talk about things and I desperately want to know why they just don’t even care. Part of me wants to blame this generation. My dad did horrible things and I would never even dream of treating him the way they treat me. I have tried so hard… Divorce happened last month and job requiring me to relocate to Tampa by end of March, so praying I will be able to let it go and turn them over and always be here for them but accept things the way that they are. It kind of helps to know there are others out there going through the same thing, but wouldn’t wish this on anyone and hate it for you all. Any advice on support groups out there would be appreciated.
Gynger, can I adopt you? ;–)
I have really had a very hard time accepting that our daughter is not who we believed her to be. I started going to therapy to learn what happened here. I was convinced that somehow I had created this reality. I must have done something- right? It took a very short time to look through my family tree and see all the same traits that my daughter exhibits in my relatives. So many broken lives. I made sure to parent differently- with respect and love. The end result was the same in regards to being discarded. I wasn’t perfect, but in the end it seems that genetics are genetics. My daughter uses people and throws them away, just like the majority of her relatives. It’s not her fault. Genetically she cannot feel empathy. The good thing is because she was raised well she is able to channel her traits for ruthlessness in a business environment. This makes her successful. Many of her relatives, without that benefit have become criminals.
It’s a lonely place to be where I am now. It is going to take time to create a new life for myself and my husband. The world looks the same, yet it has all changed. I have lost my faith in the goodness of my daughter and therefore people in general. It’s sad. But I am not a victim and although my life is different it doesn’t mean there cannot be good in it. Can’t wait to get to a place in which the hurt isn’t so raw. I am sure many of us feel like this.
I have three adult children who are now 25 – Son, 23 – daughter and 22 – daughter. When my oldest was 4, my ex, who had cheated, before and during our marriage, walked out of our lives. He wanted nothing to do with the kids after he left. I raised them, we even lived overseas, I showed them the world. Despite sacrificing everything that I could have had, relationships, a home (I paid for my daughters divorce thus used my savings) a life…they now do not understand why I have said no to their lies, their disrespect…and now my youngest daughter whom I thought I had a close relationship with is being influenced by my oldest daughter who has blamed me for the divorce … they want nothing to do with me. If I text, they do not respond, if I call they do not answer and my 25 year old son who is soon to join the Navy; leaves food wrappers all over, dirty dishes in his bedroom where he hibernates all day, and plays on-line video games. I’m tired of being made to feel that I’m a horrible intrusive mother. I’m told I am the one with the problem and I am so done with all the blame, and done with my three children. Everything I did was for my children…I did nothing for me. I’m nearing 60 and honestly see no reason to live anymore…but, I have to believe there is a better life for me somewhere…I just can’t believe that it is all my fault. I just can’t believe that I will never feel love from anyone again…this was not supposed to be my life…
Has anyone started over, and lived happily because I really need to know that this is not all there is to life…
Its my birthday today and my 12&14 did not say Happy Birthday. I guess I didn’t realize how much they hate me. I’m sad.
My son went too his dads for the weekend when he was 11 years old and never came back , that was 10 years ago hardly any comunications between us , people don’t know the hurt you go through , when your son tells people you have died, he has recently got back in touch with his sister , they are now best of buddies and are being horrible too me life’s not great at the moment trying too get through the daysv
Best of luck to all of you. It’s an ultra tough position to be put in. Hopefully you will not let it diminish your life. This situation cost me an excellent relationship because a good woman’s son was very selfish about many things he expected from her. I tried to protect her and help him make a necessary adjustment with the best intentions for both, but she thought I was too hard on her kid. Reality and society will have to force that adjustment now and that will happen with living life. Society doesn’t adjust to you, you adjust to it, or life can be much harder than it has to be. I do understand her decision, although I don’t agree with it.
It is helpful yet sad to see so many other parents that have the same heart break that my husband and I share over our two sons. Everyone has a different story yet the heart break feels the same when your children are absent from your lives. Our sons are hard working good young men that just happen to not want much to do with their parents. As far as we can tell, we were loving, supportive parents that always put them first. We feel that this may be the problem because we taught them that they were more important than we were. As young adults this is how they are. We don’t expect them to not have their own lives but we only exist to them when they need something from us. They don’t acknowledge birthdays, mother’s day, father’s day, when we have had serious illness’, don’t want to spend Christmas with us, or really just call to say hey how is it going. This is not how they were raised. As they grew up we spent a lot of family time with our parents and other family members. That is just it, we were around family all the time and our sons have no desire to have family other than their friends and my oldest son’s wife’s family. It is not that our sons are awful people, they just simply act as if we do not exist and so we feel we must let go of the fantasy of having them in our lives. Letting go is hard but sometimes holding on to someone that does not want to be held onto is much harder.
Hi. We have 5 children between us. One, my only son over dosed and now I only have a daughter left. None of our living children have anything to do with us. I know I was a good mom and both of us would and did crawl through glass for all our kids. It seems the more we did the more it wasn’t enough until they all just didn’t call anymore. With my daughter, I finally had to confront her and she didn’t like the honest truth about her entire ugly life that she lead and the abuse and disrespect she threw at me. Needless to say it’s been tough and really hard during the holidays. The good side is we are no longer their piggy bank and we aren’t going through our retirement money any long and of course there in no chaos either. So out of the 4 holidays a year, Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays and Easter the rest of the year is peaceful. My son who died 1 1/2 years ago was always very neglectful and he only needed or called when he needed money for so called pain killers and a place to stay because his wife and kids had had enough and the last time I gave him funds he bought and over took his pain killers and his poor wife and two young daughter found him on the kitchen floor. So, the only good thing in this story, if you can call it that, is I don’t have to worry, any longer, for the worst thing in life ” that dreaded phone call,” I don’t know how I survived it, but here I am 1 1/2 years later to tell and write about that horrid event. I do know one more thing….When I was young I worked, as a teenager with my mom at nursing homes, for several years in fact, I notice that the majority of people in these homes had very few visitors if any and the majority were forgotten and it really was sad and heart breaking, it is still like that today. I am now 67 years old and my visits at nursing homes with friends are the same as many years ago and what I have seen clearly shows most adult children are selfish human beings and only rush to visit mom and dad when it’s time to say good bye and collect and that’s when they do their crying and lying to themselves, and boy are they good at it. My husband is very ill and has many health problems and the sicker he became the more distant his 3 adult children became and they are all in their late 20’s or mid 30’s and his son just told him on Christmas day that he likes his wife’s family best because “they are fun and they are his new family from now on,” and my husband’s two older daughters just don’t call. But I know this is how our society is now a days. As long as parents don’t complain, have their credit cards available and buy and pay for what ever they want then your kids and grand kids have some time for you. We have decided when the time comes all of our monies and property will go to some animal foundation and most likely we will not call and tell them when one of us are gone; what happens to us is none of their business any longer.
Hello everyone, I have shared the grief the sadness the agonizing hurdles of the dramatic displacement of suddenly finding myself disconnected from daughter. A juncture in life I never could have seen coming nor would wish on my worst enemy. I am so sorry that I find myself sharing these feelings with you all but am so humbled to have a voice to share our grief. You see, off an on for two years now I have tried counseling but what I find with counseling, at least this is my impression, is that most are exhausted by the end of the day, and the help they seem to think they offer is minimal to say the least. It almost seems like the thought does not cross their minds to refer you to someone whose specialty is more tailored to your issues. THAT is a whole other topic. I did however, want to share this about what I have come to terms with BUT please know in saying this I still go many nights without complete rest that my world still suffers the relationship I had with my daughter and life has never been the same. It is an emptiness in my world that is despairing… now, here are my thoughts. I struggled the entire time to keep communications opened without being forceful, I remain a mother who likes to buy little things to make my adult kids smile and know their mom loves and has them in her heart every day. I continue to do that, I continue to ride the cold shoulder that comes with it but as small the strides have been between us, they are there. I believe as we mature and get older so does perspective. I pray my daughter will one day see that because the choices she was making for herself so beyond what any parent could calmly accept OR put blinders on to the tremendous ramifications she put herself in the position to be viewed due to her marriage to a man who is so far up a family’s behind and whose family to put it mildly are very shady. Your raise a daughter and lived a life not to reflect ill on her and she opens the door to others reflecting negatively on her. I could go on and on and on with the worries. BUT praying and finding ways to heal as difficult and impossible the motivation is to feel good about ourselves is so very important. I feel I still have a role to play and that of a survivor I feel should be one of them. Rising and not sinking are important. Love should be cradled and love should not be lost. Anger and resentment and holding grudges are our enemies. It is beyond hard but find peace. Know that ignorance sometimes can be overcome when the light bulb goes off. Read and explore and keep sharing with one another (I surely will get the book recommended by someone today). Life is short and for me to have a legacy where my daughter saw me stop being a figure in her life, even if it has suddenly become redefined, I am working hard to accept. I hope this may help some of you and I pray for all of us. I know the heartbreak you all share and I know the day to day pain. It is gruesome. BUT fight to be happy dig down hard to rise and not sink. Don’t let the negative of the experience be the captain of your ship, let love and hope and perseverance prevail. I am looking to develop however healthier boundaries AND one would think a counselor would be baby stepping those suggestions for me by now but that isn’t happening. So read read read and find the materials that you need to survive this in as positive a light as possible. God bless each and everyone and know you are not alone. Chin up and work hard to smile. I believe also the smiles and the sparkle in our eyes and faces can be perhaps the best message to send of all and perhaps our best lure to sensibility yet. 🙂
Kathleen,
Yes! I have started over at 53. Though I had one child and saw a cute picture of her today when she was respectful and I started crying. But you know what Kathleen, you have got to let them go. My daughter use to be such a good girl but the last 6 years she is not the girl I raised.
I gave my entire life to her. I gave up so much of my life and than she turns out like this. So guess what, until she changes and respects me I want MY LIFE BACK!
You can too, don’t give up on yourself. THink about you now and hopefully one day your kids will grow up. Until than; stop calling. Don’t be around for them until they respect you. And your lazy son, the one that is going in the NAVY tell him if he wants to stay in your house again, he has to respect your home. Otherwise he can go stay somewhere else. IT’s hard changing but know your worth it and get on with your life. Theresa
I’m going through this too with my 25 year old son. I’ve always been a single mum and I suffer from mental illness. I’ve always done my best for him but I’ve made some huge mistakes as well. I’ve had a a lot of therapy and I feel I’ve made some progress. Recently I had an operation, I thought my son would help me a little once I returned home but I was left completely alone, even after having an anaesthetic, all this can be life-threatening but my son chose to stay with his gf who lives up the road instead of helping. I had to get adult services in to help me, though my son isn’t even aware of this cos he’s never called me to check if I’m ok. I’ve sent him a few emails but he doesn’t respond. I spoilt him too so I feel his selfishness is partly my fault plus he’s quite immature for 25. He’s cut me off before knowing full well that I have massive abandonment issues caused by my abusive childhood. He should know better, I’m seriously considering suicide. I don’t know what to do to resolve this, I’m the one who’s been wronged yet he continues to punish me with radio silence. I feel that not speaking to me is an immature, passive aggressive act of punishing and failing to acknowledge someone who loves you and has done nothing wrong, apart from needing an operation.my heart breaks for all of you experiencing this cruel sort of abandonment.
Unfortunately, we live in a society filled with narcisstic sociopaths aka our children. Where one family raised its children with praises and emotional support with great results, many other families created monsters who have an unreasonable sense of entitlement. We had it in our minds to always be there for our children, only to be slapped in the face once they got in the habit of demanding that we be there. Spoiled? Maybe so. Almost 7 years ago, my daughter got arrested for DWI. Did I bail her out? Absolutely not. Did I pay for her legal representation? No. I cut all ties with her and only recently started talking to her. She will probably never apologize because of the embarassment, but at least her behavior has changed and her boyfriend is not a drinker and is very good for her. My son, on the other hand, was 17 when his father died of a heart attack and in my opinion, I did the best I could to get him through the rest of high school and then college. He joined the Navy Reserves after his first semester of college and has gone on 3 deployments, the last of which I feel “sent him over the edge.” He’s home now, has a girlfriend who is extremely lazy and never associates with me, even though I have had to take off work and taking her to the ER, with no thank you ever. He is a typical millenial who thinks he is Robin Hood — take from the rich and give to the poor. He feels the rich should pay for everyone’s healthcare and education. What he doesn’t realize is that that happens through taxation — so when the government covered his college education, he doesn’t think that his taxes and mine paid for it. He’s blinded to the fact that the government paid for it and that he deserved it for being in the military. He has become extremely rude and disrespectful, and has gotten into it with my fiance who has been like a dad to him. He asked me that I sell my house that my parents left me when they died so that I could give him the money to buy his house. After I stopped laughing, I told him now, took him out of the will and told him that all the money I loaned him that he would never pay back was his inheritance. I have blocked his phone calls and texts and asked that my fiance do the same thing. Tough love! Maybe someday he will realize that he pushed away his family. He doesn’t deserve my love and respect, nor is he entitled to it. Someone told me years ago, and I live by this rule: The best revenge is living well. I am doing that and having the time of my life!!! Many of you have grandkids that your children are holding hostage. Maybe someday you’ll see them, maybe not. But please don’t let your children hurt you like this. They are miserable people and enjoy dragging others down as it makes them feel better than themselves. Let them be miserable and keep remembering how they only think of themselves, not their parents. Be strong.
As I read through these comments about lives being erupted at the hands of adult children, it helps. It helps to have more compassion for myself. Life is difficult, we all know this we have and still are living it. There are so many different scenarios but the same pain we all share. As parents we do not choose mental illness, brain injury or a bad set of DNA for our children. But we do have to come to terms with it to be happy. As adults our children suffer also. Wether they are right or wrong, they too are missing an important part of their life not having us there. The difference is we are aware of this fact and they are not. We do have to forgive but not at the risk of allowing ourselves to be damaged again by their actions whatever they may be. We all need time and a way of dealing with the trauma of our loss. Letting go of what we believed to be our later rewards of self sacrifice. Parenting is a selfless act but we are made to believe that we will receive the benefits in our later years, when our work is done. Yes, this is the way it SHOULD be but sadly for many of us, it is not. I raised three children as a single parent and feel very much like all of you. Like Mari, I had no support while doing this. Raising them is a good thing and and an accomplishment that I feel wonderful about. I will not give anyone permission to steal that from me. Especially not them or their circumstances. It was the hardest job I have ever had in my life and feel successful as a parent in all aspects. I am an honest good person and if my children don’t respect that about me then they have chosen different values than what I taught them. I have always treated them well and have been there for them. One suffers from a traumatic brain injury, one is bipolar while the other is my rock and best confident. I love them all equally but do not like them equally. They as adults have intensionally treated me the way their hearts have been allowed to. I take no responsibility away from them for their choices, they are adults. Children or not, they will give me the respect I earned and deserve or they will not have me in their lives. I appreciate the pain and struggle that you are experiencing, I have been there. It is possible to love your adult children and not like their choices. Ask yourself this. If someone chose to get drunk and then offer you a ride. Would you take it, or call a cab and maybe the police? Don’t allow your adult children put you in a bad situation simply because they are your children. You see detaching yourself from your adult child’s choices is your growth and important to your health. So like Mari you can move on. Loving our adult children is first being able to separate ourselves from them as adults. I know how much it hurts when our children want to kick and scream and put the blame on us. Let them make their own choices. More importantly make them live with them. You don’t have too:) I wish all of you strength and a happy full life.
I think in many cases the root of the problem with our children is self-regard that becomes narcissism. It seems to be an epidemic by looking at our younger “selfie” generation today.
Narcissism has been long been associated with the notion of entitlement, which typically suggests a lack of empathy, a feeling of superiority and a tendency to overreact to criticism.
We raised our son to respect elders, including us his parents. There was no problem until he got married to the self centered girl with the traits listed above.Unless he gives in she throws tantrum. We eventually did not accepted her repeated rude behavior to us, what hurts is that our son is becoming just like her. My husband got tired of those tirades and wrote them letter wishing them good life and that he will not be in contact with our son anymore under those conditions. I am the one who try to smooth things out but it is like putting the hand over the candle to get burned again and again. Love conquers all but it is also 2 way street. I keep our door open, but there needs to be mutual respect.
We can only adjust our attitude not someone’s else. I pray for them that they will discover mercy, forgiveness and God’s unconditional love.
Hello, I am broken hearted and also am ill . My two daughters have pretty well disowned me and I haven’t seen my grandchildren who live in my city in seven months. I was very close to my daughters before they were married but then came the divorce and everything changed. I spent my last birthday, thanksgiving and Christmas. Alone crying. My health is getting worse and I end up in emergency frequently. Yesterday I called my daughter asking her to take me and got her voicemail I haven’t heard a word since. My daughters could care less if I lived or died, I am so sad and don’t know where to turn
I know this is a forum for parents, but I’m a daughter who fears I am drifting away from my own.
My sister and I grew up with parents that were so loving and involved in all parts of our lives. My dad made my science projects, became my basketball and golf coach, and always encouraged me to find a ‘passion’ in life. I was a perfectionist, always trying to please my parents, especially my dad. His disappointment was worse than anything in the world to me.
I’m 31 now and lost. I have a bachelor’s degree and have been working in the medical field for nearly ten years. My passion has always been art, but I chose a ‘practical degree’. I started painting on the side and now have a successful small business selling my paintings and prints. I want to do this full time. I know my dad doesn’t see it as a legit business.
My dad runs a successful business and several years ago, while I was questioning my career in the lab, we talked about starting our own business that would allow me to use my creativity. A few years later, this business is running, but it’s not going in the direction I want. I feel pressure to stay involved in it. I should say that financially my husband and I are just fine, no debt except the house… and we live responsibly and below our means.
I don’t have the heart to tell my dad how I really feel. We used to golf together all the time, and talk about anything and everything. He knows I’m not thrilled about the business, but it’s not what I want anymore. I want my dad back. I’m afraid he thinks I’m a failure and I don’t want to live anymore. I’m just tired of life. I want to sleep forever.
On top of everything, my husband and I have tried unsuccessfully to start a family of our own for three years. I’m a disappointing daughter and I can’t remember the last time I was happy.
Does anyone know what the purpose of all of this is? I wish I had an older mentor or someone to talk to. I haven’t told anyone how I feel.
I felt so alone with this pain but as I read these entries I felt the raw pain of each of you, exactly how I feel each day upon waking until I go to sleep. I thought my relationship with my girls was good enough. I love them unconditionally and they know it. As a single mom, I worked my whole life to give them a home and a good life after their dad neglected them completely. I also gave them emotional support, I thought they loved me. I have been chronically Ill with several diseases but I continue to work through it. This year I became very sick with a parasitic infection. They accused me of being delusional and taking drugs. They told this to everyone. I finally got the diagnosis and I am not delusional or takimntakimng drugs. They haven’t spoken to me or visited in two months and it is destroying me. I raisedf them with love and compassion. Now they are treating me like dirt. I told them they need to apologize and the door is open to come and straighten things out. No reply. This hurts so deeply.
I miss my son every second of every day. It has been almost 4 years and he will be 20 next month, and has not spoken to me or called even once. I would have to write a book to even begin to write down the situation. All I know is that I love him and will always love him, and I will never understand how or why this is the way it is. The hurt is endless and all I can do is keep hoping and praying that he is happy, healthy and comes home one day a happy man.
I am a mother of 6. My oldest turned 18 3 weeks ago. She left 3 day after her birthday. No warning no nothing. She wont have anything to do with any if us. She says we are no longer welcome in her world. She is speading terrible lies about me. I hear she has moved in with a friend and her family. How can a mother do this to another. Now she says this is her mom. Her family. We are beyond heart broken. What is she thinking. How can she discard us like and old pair of shoes. She tells them im a crazy b. N that im a bully and that her father us a coward n weak. Hes afraid of me. Hes been a Policeman for over 20 years. He doesn’t believe in spanking, so i was the disaplanary in the house. I was and i am tough on them. But mean. No! We are just so devastated by her acquisitions she us making. She has her friends laughing n talking about me to other ppl. We luve in a small community n i know a lot if ppl. Im involved in our community. So word gets around really quick.
I was told that she will have us escorted of the high school property if we show up for her graduation. She has blocked me from fb and all social media. She left because i told her that her pot smoking drop out boyfriend was not welcome in our home. She was sneaking around with him.. she was just waiting to turn 18.
Im at a loss.. i just dont know how i am going to get through this.
I share the heartache and tears….counseling is helpful but the pain is still there. Me and my husband have been there in every way you can imagine and in looking back i think we created narcissm. Ive heard many believe this generation of millenials is pretty much this way from most of us putting them before ourselves. And on top of that..my relatives have alot of personality problems which can be passed down in the genes.
I have adult identical twin girls. One definately has mental illness which has affected so many lives. The other has washed her hands of her. She lives in england. We dont hear from the one daughter unless she needs a babysitter. The one in england has gone out of her way to include us in her life and paid for trips to see her and her family. On our last visit she cussed me out for being on my cell phone (christmas day…maybe other people are saying merry christmas?) Since then she has been cold to me and played the game of just sending her dad emails and photos. Hes barely replying knowing shes doing this.
Since age 16 they have both said mean and hurtful things to me and have cold personalities unless theyre trying to impress someone. And impress they can..theyre models and highly intelligent and accomplished. I thought it would change with age but it hasnt so i truly believe its mood disorders not to mention no respect which is probably our fault by not stopping it more when rebellious teenagers. We thought it a phase which would pass.
My husbands feeling is if they dont care about us we must go on and live our lives in retirement and no longer be robbed of our happiness by their behavior. Man– if i had know this was how wed be treated i would never had children. I cant even believe it. Were very close to granddaughter so at least we got her from it.
Easier said than done but what choice do we have in our later years to make our own happiness without them… pretty unfair. I cry alot.. my husband is stronger and can seperate himself more than me….guess its a mom thing…
My husband and I had a son late in life. He has always been such a joy to us. In his senior year of high school he decided 2 months before graduation to quit. That was always the one thing we ask him to do was finish high school. Now he blames us for having to help us so much because we are older and in poor health. I know it’s not the end of the world but it hurts.
My husband passed away unexpectedly 4 months ago. I have one child who is 32 years old, married and has a 3 year old daughter. I’ve always had a close relationship with him, so when I was suddenly widowed with no where to live, I offered to help them buy their first home. The plan was to build a suite in the house for me to live separately from them. I’ve been living with them and the suite is almost finished but today I was asked to leave the house for the day. They’re having a birthday party for my grand daughter and want to “enjoy a day without me”. I said I’d stay down in my suite, but they said that no, they want me out of the house altogether! I feel so unwanted. Yes, I understand that no one likes to live with their mom for extended periods of time, but to tell me to get out of my own part of the house so they can have friends over is hurtful. Am I wrong to feel so sad? Am I that bad to live with that they don’t want me to be there despite the fact that I’d be totally leaving them alone? I have no where to go so I’m going to drive somewhere and sit in my car and read a book I guess…. I tell myself not to think this but, they’d never have this beautiful home if I hadn’t paid for it! Diane
So much grief and heartache here. I wonder how much of this has to do with the age of this generation. I have 5 living children all in their 30’s and they are very similar to the children mentioned in these posts. I have even asked myself if what I fee for them anymore is love. I hate to say this but I fee like my love for them is dying. I hope they don’t have to experience the devastation in their lives that I have as their mother, but honestly the things they have said and done to me are horrifying. I have no idea why they have turned out to be so hateful. Strangely they seem to feel somehow entitled to be insulting and just not care about how I feel about it. So sad.
My grandmother used to say, look at your hand and every finger is different, and so are your children. No matter the size or age they have their own ways. I have 3 children. My oldest daughter is 37, divorced, a lawyer, and is the most loveable genuine person you could ever . (hard to believe a lawyer could be like this). She calls me everyday, and I see her every weekend. We go to lunch and shop.
My son is 35, married and a business man and miserable. He lives 15 min. away and I see him maybe 3 times a year. He hardly calls. Takes
everything I say wrong.
My youngest daughter 22 has a baby and lives with the baby’s father and his family. She loves trouble. One day she loves me and the other she hates me. The day she had my grandson, I told her I wanted to see him and her. She told me I ruined the greatest day of her life and said she would call me when she is ready for visitors. Visitor Really! I bought her everything she needed for the baby and maternity clothes for her. That broke my heart! I have to walk on eggshells around her and while I wait to get a call so I can see the baby, or she will stop me from seeing him I don’t know what else to do. I am sick inside.
It seems like there are plenty of parents here who were misunderstood and may have used poor parenting techniques on their children. Then the children go on to grow up and hate the parents while the parents remain completely oblivious. Of course the people here won’t admit that and chock it up to “the kid is just a jerk.”
My daughter invited me to move into her home as I was grappling with a crushing divorce.
My finances went from comfortable to meager.
After the first few days, she became contemptuous toward me. The respect and affection were gone.
She also began to belittle me and lie outrageously. And told me that I wasn’t myself and she never did that or said this.
She resented the milk I drank, my using her computer, asking for help with it.
I began to try to become invisible, staying in the guest room, be out often.
One evening, after announcing gleefully, her husband was away for the weekend and her oldest son was coming home from college. I was pleased.
Then she became irritated with me. I could hear tone escalate into a danger zone. So I turned away, saying I wasn’t going to this. As I tried to move away, she pushed me, I fell over an ottoman eye level with my 12yr old granson. He ran iut of the house. She then chased me, as I was trying to find a room that locked. She shoved doors at me, hurting my face and arms. Finally she stopped. I ran to the guest room and barricaded myself in.
For the next 3 hrs, I had no thoughts in my head. It was blank. The phone rang and snapped me out of it.
Suddenly my eldest Grandson, having raced back from college, burst through my barricades. Screaming and cursing and threatening me. This was the boy I always called my heart. He was now shouting at me to get out and started throwing my things outside. I was barefoot, no undergarments in a cheap house dress on the doorstep when the police came.
Its been over 4 yrs since then. During this time, my grandsons won’t speak to me.
She will periodically call me often, then not for months.
I’ve come to accept she’s extremly toxic to me. I literally get ill, physically and emotionally. I’m very concern about the toll this has taken on me in every way.
My question is it even to ever recover from this tragedy? Can I ever become myself again?
And I’m afraid for her. About 4 mos before I moved from my home, my ex still lived there. I heard her screaming at him. When I got there, she was threatening him with a huge butcher knife. Her arm was like steel. I couldn’t get her to lower or give me the knife because her body was like iron. Completely immobile.
I know she needs help I can’t give, but she can and has been really hurting me.
If they’re any support groups I’d appreciate any info. Thank you.
Lostdaughter- I would like to reply to your post. I feel concerned that you may be suffering from depression which is treatable with therapy and or medication. Please get help for this so that you will be able to make good decisions regarding your future.
I would bet your father does not see you as a failure and please stop putting that burden on yourself. That feeling of failure may be a symptom of depression. Most of us parents here could care less if our “dreams” of our children’s occupations did not pan out. We can accept that and I am sure your father will be able to accept that your goals are different now than they were when you were younger. We are hurting here because our children for whatever reason have chosen to discard us. Many times without any advance notice and only then did we see that our relationships were very much one sided or that our children kept their feelings secret from us.
You seem like a very caring person. Your father will be lucky and I suspect happy no matter what your career goals are as long as you don’t shut him out. Give him a chance and tell him how you feel. Communication is the key.
To Lostdaughter says
Hi I can’t help but reply. Dear it sounds like your whole life was to make sure your dads opinion of you was more important than your own. My heart goes out to you. This is not your fault by Any stretch of the imagination. Although it sounds like your relationship with your father was wonderful, it was selfish on his part. Let me explain. A parent needs to be involved with their child’s life and interests, but to encourage them with their interests not their own. I’m sure you enjoyed the time and close relationship at the time but was he doing this because you were interested in these thing or were they his interests. It is a parents responsibility to help their child to grow into their own personality not the parents. I wish I could give you a hug. You sound like a wonderful daughter. It’s sad that he has treated you with such a selfish attitude to disregard your interests and personality. Before you can grow you do need to put up boundaries and let him know you are an adult and will not emotionally be coerced into staying in a business that you are not interested in. It is important for your health mentally and physically to stand up to him and be heard. He will most likely ignore you so hang in there and look after yourself. He will come around with a new found respect for you. As parents we cannot keep our children small and under our protection. Children cannot hang onto their parents the same way as they did when they were dependants. A healthy distance emotionally and physically is so important for the adult child and parent relationship.
I see so much happiness for you when you break through this web you are in. Seek counselling this will give you the emotional strength you need right now. Make sure you interview the counsellor to make sure they are the right fit for you. Remember you are paying and this is for you. God bless you
Diana, come on….you know they are wrong. I don’t know who’s behind this but it’s probably the wife….I’ve seen it before. But none the less I know you taught your son right from wrong and he went the other way and has no backbone. Now it’s up to you. Do you have back bone? Are you going to let them get away with this? You know they are wrong. What a silly question to ask of yourself and us. YOU need to take responsibility for your life and money and get a lawyer for elder abuse. Do what you can to either sell the home, or kick them out if your names on the title and even then you can prove it was your money you spent. Embarrass them, call police, tell neighbors, call the papers. Expose them and let society know what monsters they are. Don’t be a victim.
Mia, I carefully read your letter; I think your husband is right. You need to disconnect. I have. It’s much easier that way. Sometimes we bare strangers in our homes. And it looks like most of the parents on this sight gave life to people that never connected with us and as soon as the left they left for good. How often have we read articles about having to endure holidays with relatives? It seems it is a chore for many. After all we can’t chose our family members. Some families really love and like each other, they became friends and stayed that way.Other “love” or so called “love” under compulsion. I don’t want that, do you? Thats what it is . Let them go. The, your daughters will not change. Just don’t reward them when you and your husband die. NO inheritance, it’s crazy but they do expect that; don’t reward them. Give money to orphanages; to foster care, to animal control; living creature that would give their eye teeth to belong. That’s what we are doing. We have 5 children between us and we know that we were wonderful parents and we are and have moved on. Follow your husband’s lead; he’s right.
Wow! I am so thankful that I found this cite. I can relate to so many of the stories that I have been reading. It brings me some comfort and peace to know that I am not just imagining the thoughts and feelings I have been having about my selfish children.
I have four children and all of them seldom call me. One of my daughters who is a doctor told me that adult children should not live with their parents. That really blew me away. I just never thought that she felt that way. My only son contacts me maybe once a year. I just didn’t understand until now what happened to the children I raised. Thanks for sharing it really has helped me.
I read many of these heart-wrenching stories and wonder why we worry about how our grown children feel about us. They can treat us horribly unless they need/want something then expect us to come running to them like an abused dog. Please people, have some pride in yourselves. You did the best job you could raising them, let them grow up. If they won’t want to treat you with respect, why should you be there for all of their beckon calls? The best revenge is living well, so live well. So you have a miserable son. That’s his choice. You have a selfish 22 year old daughter who won’t let you see her baby because you stole her thunder?! That’s nuts. When she needs a babysitter, you aren’t available. We didn’t have our children to serve them, we had them to carry on our legacy. How they choose to do this is for them to decide. My fiance’s son blames our generation on the reason he can’t afford to buy a house. This is a young man who dropped out of college 3 months before he was due to graduate, and that was after losing his scholarships due to laziness and not attending class. So his mom and dad had to pay for the rest of the years. Now he is back and became a massage therapist. So the blame falls on him, not on us. My son wanted me to sell my house so I could give him his inheritance and he could buy his own house. Needless to say, he and his girlfriend are living in an apartment and I proudly have my beautiful house. I don’t feel guilty about failing my children one iota because I didn’t! They never went hungry, had a roof over their heads, and college educations. I cut those apron strings. Please don’t allow your selfish inconsiderate children bite the hands that fed them well. Have some pride!!!
Reading all these heartbreaking stories I know that I am not alone. My son stopped seeing me almost five years ago, six weeks after the death of my father. He felt I had not done enough to fix his girlfriends car after she had an issue with the mechanic even though I was back and forth with them. But, the underlying issue was that when he was 21 I could not have him living with me because he took drugs in my home and continued to do so even after being warned I would find somewhere else to live which I eventually did. He got into so much debt in my home which I paid all of it. He had nearly a £1000 phone bill. I was receiving bailiff letters so had no choice but to pay the debt. I paid for the flat I found for him. He blamed it on the fact I met someone else when I divorced his father and I had put my partner first. But, this was not the case but, he was in denial about the drugs even tough he had got arrested for it. He turned his life around and has a good job. When he stopped seeing me I was distraught daily and had to seek help. The stress had a detrimental effect on my health which caused my bowel to perforate. I had surgery to save my life in 2013 and my son did not care when he was told during the nine hours of surgeons saving my life. The pain of not having my son there when I awoke is worse than the pain of my insides being taken out of me. I have emailed, text and never had a response. I had further surgery a few months later to reverse a colostomy from the first surgery. I feel there was no point to saving my life as to make me continue with a child I brought into this world and gave everything to hate me is hopeless for me. But, I love him and continued to try by emailing now and again. I do not know where he lives. He reported me to the police for harassment because I emailed him so I can no longer contact him. He could have blocked my emails and texts but he did not. He saved them to destroy me further. He was 30 in December. People say forget him and it’s not you but, I cannot and feel it is entirely my fault. But, I can do nothing and will leave this world knowing that he will not care.
my mom say’s i’m breaking her heart. .
I am stunned by this sight. I am not alone. I have an adopted daughter and her husband is military. When he deploys I run to help her with her four children that I adore. When I say adore I mean it!! If we argue she tells me I am not her real mom. She is evil to me!! I of course make mistakes that make her mad. I told her 12 year old daughter about sex. Ahhhhhh how stupid of me!!! I was so sorry. I said I am sorry over and over. She had such a long list of all the reasons that she hated me!!! It went on for over an hour in front of the children I cherish. I cried and begged her to talk later. She said I took her daughters innocence from her and that when she tells her husband he will never speak to me again because he already hates me (she informed me, I was not aware). I am sick. She never wants me around her children again. She will not accept an apology. I know I made a mistake and I was so scared to tell her. I cannot put the toothpaste back in the tube. I will say it is always something. She does this to me all the time. This is just the first time she said I will never see her kids again. ?
There are so many sad stories. They are painful to read. I just posted about my adopted daughter, but thank God I have three other children that love me. This sight is just so very sad.
To lost daughter, your post was so sad. You have to live your own life!! Communicate with your dad. Talk to him in a calm and loving way. I am sure that even if it is hard at first he will get use to the idea. It sounds like he was a great father and would want you to be happy.
My story is too long. Short version, my 30 something son and daughter have been used as weapons against me by my abusive alcoholic ex husband, for 23 years since I left him. He has not stopped manipulating and interferring in my new marriage and my relationship with the children. Once again 5 months ago he started all of the emotional blackmail and crying to our daughter, she rang and abused me. My son rang and started yelling and screaming at me. This time however something snapped, I suddenly realised that there was nothing more I could do to stop the abuse from all three of them. I told them NO MORE, do not contact me, I have stepped away from the abuse. I have not had contact with my Children, Grand Children, Son in law, ex for 5 months. I am concentrating on my life. I finally feel divorced from the abuse, free, I can breathe, I feel as if a dark cloud has been lifted. The time left is MY TIME. You CAN step away, you CAN make a better life. Sometimes you can only do so much and then you need to live your own life.